Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m giving up almost everything for him, it’s never enough

A young Muslim couple, you and I,

Salam sisters and brothers
I want to know if it is Muslim way how my husband is treating me. We married for a year and 3 months now and got converted the same day. The 1st 3 months i can say im on adjusting stage and on embracing the changes. I am born and raised christian and alhamdulila I´m Muslim now and with the influence of my husband and I am very much happy and contented with Islam. But one thing is bothering me if my husband is acting islamically or not.

For one year now we are apart he is in jail due to credit, loans etc. In short due to financial crisis. It was really devastating because we'd spend time as married couple for 3months only but I can say that it makes our love and relationship become more stronger. Before we got married he told me i dont have to practice the religion, but still I change for myself. Then almost every week we had fight for small things like wearing the hijab and abay, looking down when we are outside, don't talk to men, don´t watch television without him and I can only watch cartoons or shows for kids with his nephew and niece.

One time my dad travel from our country to here in middle east just to see me and meet my husband but when my dad arrived he was in jail already and that time he didn´t want my father to come in my sister house and seat with me. I even told that to my mother in law she told me it was wrong because he was my father and he came here to visit me so what I meet my dad without my husband knowledge I know its wrong to keep or lie on my husband but I know Allah knows I´m not doing something wrong.

Another thing he always thinks the people around me was not good at all because they are christians, since we are in financial problem now I have to stay with my sister in a sharing accommodation. We use to fight because of the girls way of living. They play music, celebrate birthdays and special occasions and I spoil some of their small gathering here in the house because of my husband. As if he owns the house as what they always tell me.

Sometimes I feel like I am verbally abused already, he cannot control his temper but I understand it is because of his bad situation in jail now. For the past 1 year this is the 1st time I feel like I am nothing, my self esteem become very low, and I feel like I become stupid/ignorant. He use to tell me harsh words when were fighting, like; stupid, idiot, brainless, useless woman, dirty woman, a shit like my mom, bitch etc. things like what he use to say about christians and many times when we are fighting he always want a divorce maybe I can say he had threaten me 100 times already and one time I came to the point that I just want to give up. Before we got married I send him an email telling him that I can take physical abuse but not emotional abuse but now I feel like I am emotionally tortured.

One time my sister talked to me on what she had observed with me, she told me I really change and one thing that caught me, when she told me that keep some respect for yourself. Although I know I still have respect for myself but sometime I feel like I´m not getting the respect I have before from other people but I used to tell to myself I don´t need other peoples respect they cannot understand me or maybe they just cannot accept the fact that a change for the will of Allah and I am now married and muslim.

I don´t know if it´s me who has a problem or it's just my husband thinking wrong about me. I admit I had done too much haram things in my life before when I am still christian but from the day I met my husband till now Alhamdulilla I´ve really changed and never looked back on my past. My husband knows everything I´ve been honest to him and told him everything, and he also did the same he told me everything what ever he had done haram in life. But we use to fight because of my past he always thinks that I am still the same girl that he never been meet (the old me).

I don´t know if its still correct the way how I live now. I don´t work and just stayed at home in my sister's house for the last 1 year since he's not allowing me to work my sister use to spend for me, my husband cannot provide for me because he is in jail and doesn't have any income. I dont go out of the house without his approval and everytime I will go out of our room I have to wear abaya and hijab even we are all girls in the house but they are christians and it's like he wants me to hate christian people.

But I´m trying to change his bad habbit specially using bad words and thanks God it was lessen already. I explain to him that I´m not use of hearing and using bad word and I don't want to hear it from him specially when we will have our child.

In some ways he's working out to change himself but sometimes I don´t know if his ways is still right. He wants me to go far with my family specially my mom, because she is not good influence for me, I´m only allowed to communicate with them 1 or 2x a month and when his not talking to his mother he also dont want me to call her or any of his family, and when they start to ask why i dont call and telling that I don´t have initiative to call just to say hi, he will tell them that im busy, or I´m in tension and crying because of our problem or he will just say he didn't know  and when we fight we always end up like its always my fault and he doesn't want me to reason out.   I am soft spoken person I don't want confrontation and I don't want to be harsh with my words towards anybody but he wants me to be little harsh specially when someone from my family talks about us and I  will defend myself but not in harsh way.

Most of the time i feel like he is using my past to make me feel bad about myself. He use to check on me almost every hour, what im doing and if don´t talk to any girl in the house, if i don´t watch anything etc. and make me swear 3 time. and sometimes he will think something wrong about me and start questioning me why I took shower 2 or 3 times  and for me it's my nature to keep my self clean all the time. But for he's thinking I did something haram thats why I take shower.

And since were from different culture, tradition and religion things are little hard and new for me, and I´m trying to fit in with this new life/road i took but if i did something wrong he nags on me and use to tell me a 7 yrs. old child is better than me and sometime he will tell me I´m brainless. All of this hurts me but i have to understand him that his brain is up side down  because he is in jail.

I´m trying my best and i give up almost everything for him but it seems like it's still not enough. He also use to tell me he given up 3 girls for me. He had wife before and their on 3rd divorce already when we got married and before marriage he has 2 more girlfriends that I didn't know and all of them he left them for me,  I´m really thankful that I was not one of those girls that he left. I love him so much that I cannot bare to loose him but also I want to know if his way of treating me was still correct in islam perspective.

Can somebody tell me how does a muslim marriage life should be? Do i really have to follow my husband even it's out of my will? Do i really just have to say yes all the time and never argue or reason out? In short how can I be a good muslim housewife? What are the do's and donts in muslim marriage specially for the wife?

Thanks.

aziza


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17 Responses »

  1. @ Sister Aziza,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    If your husband did not inform you of his first wife, he kept it hidden, which is not right. He should fear Allah and for His forgiveness and yours as well to keep you in dark about it.

    Regarding divorce,

    Rules are simple in Islam:

    Divorce should be announced once, then wife should wait (iddah) for three monthly cycles.In between husband may take her back again and continue marriage -->If he does not take her back by this time of three monthly cycles, he should make announcement of second divorce --> after this announcement wife has to wait again for a period of three monthly cycle, he make take her back as wife again during this period --> and if he does not take her back now and the divorce is announced for the third time, after this the wife becomes "unlawful" for the husband.

    So if he has divorced her two times and he goes back to her, she is still his wife and will be unlawful for him only when he annouces the divorce third time.

    You may confirm the same from the Qur'an and also from a local mosque.

    If you cannot share your husband, and you would not like to be in this marriage, you have the option of divorce open for you. Although, if you can make peace and live, it is better than divorce. But if you find no peace in life that way, you may seek divorce and Allah will provide you of his abundance, Insha Allah.

    128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
    129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
    130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah An Nisaa.

    227. And if they decide upon divorce (let them remember that) Allah is Nearer, Knower.
    228. Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. - Surah Al Baqarah.

    230. And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge.
    231. When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. - Surah Al Baqarah

    If the wife does not agree to divorce, the matter goes to a judge who sees if the reasons given for divorce are valid Islamic reasons and there is no injustice done to the husband and the wife and then it is legally decided between them by the judge.

    Hope the advice helps.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

    • Salam Brothermuniib...

      Thank you very much. I don't want to be separated/divorce to my husband... I love him so much.. I have read Surah about divorce but I cannot understand how is it, as I am still learning about Islam I know less. I let my husband explain it to me but it's not sinking into my brain and have doubts. or maybe Im not getting the right answer from my husband. But now It's little more clear to me now.

      But Im feeling like I am selfish for wanting a divorce between them. My husband told I should accept it because it is allowed in Islam. and the last word he gave me is no need for me to worry because he doesn't love her anymore and he doesn't want her.

      Im praying that Allah will give me a big heart and understanding in all of this. Insha'Allah I can accept whatever Allah's will for us.

      Thank you very much and may Allah be pleased with you.

    • Brother Munib, your explanation of how divorce works is not exactly correct. If the husband announces divorce once, and the iddah (waiting period) passes without reconciliation, then the couple are divorced. They should not live together anymore, and are free to marry other people. There is no need for second announcement of divorce. They are divorced.

      If they choose to re-marry, they can do so, but they must have a proper nikah and follow all Islamic requirements for marriage.

      However, if they get divorced three times, then it is irrevocable.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • 229. Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrongdoers.

        Brother Wael, I understood the process from the above verses, however, I open translations now and they have different translations from different people and the verses get a different meaning altogether, this is why Insha Allah, I want to take up study of Arabic and get a clear understanding of words.

        However, Insha Allah, I shall get back in to the details of two divorces and third for my own understanding with clarity of the whole process.

        Thanks for informing me with this point. It looks minor, but is a major point, Insha Allah, I shall look in to again.

        Salaam,
        Your brother.

  2. Salam Brothers and Sister....

    I just have one quick question. I mentioned on my earlier post/comment about my husband has an ex wife or should I say 1st wife.

    My question is, are they divirced already? my husband told me he divorced her by saying talaq 2x about med. of 2009 but they're still not legally divorced. I also mentioned that he stills call her. Since my husband lied on me many things about his wife Im having this lots of question in my mind. I did ask him but I feel like he's not telling me the truth. My mother in law told me they were divorced already but when this big trial in our life came his family start telling me that he's ex was still his legal wife. I cannot understand how divorce work in Islam? Me and my husband were married by Mullah, and still were not able to file it in the court, but I know were married already. We have 2 witness, I can even say 8 witness was there 2 friend and some of his family was there. His whole family welcomes me and treat me as my husbands wife. But there is something bathering me if I am really his wife? Is this acceptable, I mean our marriage?

    Second my husband told me once he will be out of jail he will divorce he's ex wife legally. What if the other party didn't agree what if the ex wife doesn't want a divorce? what will happen? Do I have to be a second wife and share my husband? I know in Islam it's acceptable to have up to 4 wives, but I cannot accept it? I never dreamed of sharing my husband, I didn't even know my husband was married before.

    Im trying to patient on this things, to just wait and have trust in Allah. I even praying for this that what ever Allah will's I will accept it. But when Im thinking about it my tears start coming out. I believe that what ever Allah will it'll be for the good of every body and He knows what will be better for us.

    Please give me a clear explanation about divorce in Islam and how it should be.

    Thanks and My Allah blessing be upon you.

  3. Salam Brothers and Sisters....

    Please give me dua for patience... Im really depressed now... I learned my husband is still calling his ex wife and I didn't know, as I have told you he is in jail. I asked him many times but he keeps on swearing that he's not calling her anymore. Then the other day I learned he called her 6-7 times. He confess on me that he's calling her, just to let her calm and not to complain about him. He needs to give her 70,000 for their divorce but since he was in jail he cannot give the amount to her. He lied to me and hide thing many things on me about his ex wife. And now it's eating my brain. Half of me is telling not believe on him anymore but I love him so much. I don't know why Allah's punishing me by this. I was trying to be a good wife to my husband following him even it's out of my will, and in return of it all I'm hurting... I want to trust him but he breaks my trust many times. Please help me, is there special prayers to make our marriage strong and for me to be strong enough to fight with my emotions.

    Thanks very much...

    May Allah continue to shower his love and blessing to you.

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Aziza,

      You will only get the love, care, honesty, and happiness from the marriage as much as is written in your destiny, not anything less not anything more than that. Insha Allah.

      Regarding husband and his lies. Allah knows if he gave you true reply or lied again, He is best aware of the hidden and the proclaimed and of the secrets of hearts.

      The best du'aa is what when you call Allah with a surety that He is seeing you and listening to you and you say only the truth in your du'aa.

      So my advise is in the night time, wake up, peform salat 2 by 2 rakah if you know how to and recite Surahs of Qur'an if you know.

      Even if you know that or not know, one of the best ways to communicate to Allah is to be clean, wear good clothes and after wudu fall down in prostration on the floor at the night time. Begin with Glorifying Allah, then ask His Forgiveness, then Thank Him and then ask Allah for Peace upon our beloved Prophet and all Prophets and believers and righteous slaves of Allah and then begin your communication with Allah. Put forward all your complains to Him, ask Him all that you would like to ask and Insha Allah you will get all that you ask of Him.

      Be patient and keep praying regularly. You may read the Qur'an and Insha Allah it will teach you patience. Allah commanded Patience to the Prophet again and again when the revelation of Qur'an was in early years and when the proclamation of faith by him was giving insults and denial from the disbelievers.

      One of the ways to Patience is : Submit yourself to Allah's commands and not obey any sinful person who tries to intefere or tries to come in between your following Allah's commands.

      You will know in the Qur'an what He says, so if you try to practice it, Insha Allah, you will be fine.

      I happy finally someone is talking about Patience. Because almost all people here want quick advices leading to quick results. Where as for everything there is a term fixed and we have to wait with patience and keep praying to Allah.

      As far as your husband is concerned, trust Allah and pray to Him to make your husband caring and truthful towards you, be kind to him and keep updates about his activities in jail and when he is out, try to work out your marriage all over again and begin with love and kindness.

      Staying away from each other does cause communication problems and in case of husband and wife it may turn ugly sometimes. So as you said : Start practicing Sabr.

      I pray for you and Insha Allah, you also pray as I said and if you need any further advice, let us know.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  4. Salam Brothers and Sisters.

    Thank you very much for all your advices, It really makes my worries become less. I am really overwhelmed that I found this site and reading other peoples problem and advices with regards islam. Although I know my family cannot understand my way of living now still there are people who spend time on helping our sisters and brothers whose facing difficulties. I really feel now that somebody understand me, that despite I am the only muslim in this accomodation everytime im in this site and reading i never feel alone.

    With respect to my problem or situation, things is clear to me now. But i don't know why I feel like I have fear of confronting my husband and discuss things with him. Because one time I tried to explain to him something we just end up fighting. and honestly Im not good in verbal confrontation.and he knows it. I always end up being quiet and just agreeing to him. But lately Im trying to read more about Islam and Quran, because i notice when I will say something and I will base it on what the Holy Quran say he will listen.

    About Abusing that I mentioned, I know physical abuse was a BIG NO for any relationships. But I already had long time when were together but what I try to let him know by my statement of "'i can take physical abuse but not emotional abuse"' what I mean here is at least physical wound will heal in time but verbal, emotional and mental abuse will scar personality, my confident, me and I don't know if it will still heal. I can say Im already on the border line of becoming mentally unstable. I am a nurse that's why I know and I have symptoms that I never thought it will happen to me. I did try to kill myself many time not because I am angry on my husband but I am angry on my self for being like who I am.(stupid, feeling useless, worthless etc.) And sometimes im hating my self that even how bad he did sometimes and hurt me I cannot get angry just upset and getting more angry on my self.

    About Family, I want to be clear my husband wants me to be far from them because my family was not muslim, my parents are separated and they are totally far from being a good example. They don't know what is haram and Halal, and when Im trying to tell them that what they are doing was wrong or bad they usually think I am over reacting, or they will tell me they are not muslim. And it's breaking my heart, cause I know this world change each of them, when I was young our whole family was once a good example of a good family. But I don't know what happened. My mom use to tell us be a God fearing person, pray always, trust in God only, Do good, alwyas be humble and take each rpoblem as God's trial. This things was what my mum used to tell me. But this things one day was forgotten my my family. I did try to talk to my mum about Islam but she's thinking opposite. So now Im working with a letter for both of my parents not only about Islam but what ever I want to tell them and I don't have the Guts to tell them. and InshaÁllah this will help.

    Another Issue that I want to clarify was my faith. I am Muslim now and I am happy that I feel more closed or more stable as a person with regards to my religion and faith. I Change my self not only for my husband but more on for my self. I can say 25% for my husband and the rest to please Allah. I only I can Go out of the house if my husband will allow me I really like to go to this Islamic center near my place now but he's not allowing me. so I try to learn by my self. searching and printing out. I don't want to go back to my old life, everything is wrong around me. I already made a promise to myself that whatever will happen I will continue my Faith and will never stop from praying and worhiping Allah. And about wearing Hijab and Abaya, lowering my gaze, i have no problem at all. I just want to know about abaya and hijab, like now I am staying in a flat with all christians, not my family but their all girls, I am not also allowed to remove my abaya and hijab in front of christian girls?

    I don't want to make my husband like a bad monster here, personally he is a good husband, good provider and he take cares of me and loves me so much. Is just that sometimes how much you love a person and try not to see his mistakes and not to complain in one point or another you will get fed up and start thinking. With his love and care I have nothing to say he gives everything.

    Brothers and Sisters thank you very much for your advices, it open my mind on how a wife, woman should act as Muslim. May Allah bless you all.

    Thanks.

    • Assalamu alaykum Sister Aziza,

      Masha Allah 🙂 You entered Islam and are a Muslim is more beautiful thought and better news than anything else. May Allah guide you life long and help you adhere to the path of Islam.

      I am very happy to see that by the grace of Allah and His mercy you are able to see a way ahead. Insha Allah if you read Qur'an more and more, Allah will give you courage to speak to your husband on different issues and make you a confident person, which you already seem in this message than your previous one. Masha Allah, the change is good and very positive.

      Keep repeating this du'aa from Surah 3, Al Imran,

      8. Our Lord! Cause not our hearts to stray after Thou hast guided us, and bestow upon us mercy from Thy Presence. Lo! Thou, only Thou art the Bestower.

      If there are women only, you may not wear abaya, but if there are chances of men being present and seeing you when they should not, better is to wear it.

      31. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigour, or children who know naught of women's nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that ye may succeed.

      As far as going to mosque or Islamic center is concerned, your husband should allow you.

      Tell him that Allah does not forbid a woman from meeting other women and gaining knowledge of Islam and it is absolutely halaal and permissible for you to do so as along as it does not hurt the rights of any individual.

      If he understands when you explain by the Qur'an and listens then you may like to present some ayats to him and read them out to him:

      Surah 11 Huud:

      18. Who doeth greater wrong than he who inventeth a lie concerning Allah? Such will be brought before their Lord, and the witnesses will say : These are they who lied concerning their Lord. Now the curse of Allah is upon wrong-doers,
      19. Who debar (men) from the way of Allah and would have it crooked, and who are disbelievers in the Hereafter.20. Such will not escape in the earth, nor have they any protecting friends beside Allah. For them the torment will be double. They could not bear to hear, and they used not to see.
      21. Such are they who have lost their souls, and that which they used to invent hath failed them.
      22. Assuredly in the Hereafter they will be the greatest losers.

      Surah 14, Ibrahiim,
      3. Those who love the life of the world more than the Hereafter, and debar (men) from the way of Allah and would have it crooked: such are far astray.

      Surah 16, An Nahl,
      88. For those who disbelieve and debar (men) from the way of Allah, We add doom to doom because they wrought corruption.

      Make your husband this fact clear in a kind way that you are advancing in Islam and want to move ahead on the way of Islam, so please allow you to do that and not debar you from the way of Allah.

      Regarding feeling down and suicide: Human nature is such, even the strongest people feel weak and shaky when the circumstances surround them with stress and confusion.

      We being Muslims have the Qur'an and it has answers to all our problems as I said before.

      You seem to be a very good woman and an obedient wife sister. Life live for Allah.

      Remember the Prophet and sahabas were in great stress and persecution and they still continued to live and die for the sake of Allah.

      If they had said: I feel like suicide and would have done so, would we have got Islam? Would we have this beautiful faith?

      No sister. It is after sacrifices, innumerable, and bloodsheds of martyrs that we have got Islam by Allah's help. Let not Satan cause you to be ungrateful to Allah.

      Thank Allah for bringing you in to light from darkness and showing you a road to be a good Muslim.

      256. There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm hand hold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower.
      257. Allah is the Protecting Friend of those who believe. He bringeth them out of darkness into light. As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. - Surah Baqarah.

      May Allah bring more happiness and joy in your life and give you a secure life in dunya and gaurd you from the punishment of the Hereafter and accept your life's work and make you enter Gardens of Eden.

      Do keep writing to us, updating us and seek more knowledge and ask us more questions as and whenever you need to. Do not hesitate.

      Salaam.

      * * *

      Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  5. Regarding Hijab and Abaya:

    Different scholars of Islam have given different interpretations of the verse I mentioned above from Surah 24, An Nuur, verse 31.

    Muhammad Asad's " Message of the Qur'an" is a major English translation with explanatory notes and is one of the few English translations which try to explain the verse above.

    We may not believe it as certain truth or prefect interpretation of the verse, but he has put forward his view based on his research of older texts related to the subject.

    If you would like to read it, I have quoted the same here as below:

    And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity, and not to display their charms [in public] beyond what may [decently] be apparent thereof; [My interpolation of the word "decently" reflects the interpretation of the phrase illa ma zahara minha by several of the earliest Islamic scholars, and particularly by Al-Qiffal (quoted by Razi) as "that which a human being may openly show in accordance with prevailing custom (al-adah al-jariyah)". Although the traditional exponents of Islamic Law have for centuries been inclined to restrict the definition of "what may [decently] be apparent" to a woman's face, hands and feet - and sometimes even less than that - we may safely assume that the meaning off illa ma zahara minha is much wider, and that the deliberate vagueness of this phrase is meant to allow for all the time-bound changes that are necessary for man's moral and social growth. The pivotal clause in the above injunction is the demand, addressed in identical terms to men as well as to women, to "lower their gaze and be mindful of their chastity": and this determines the extent of what, at any given time, may legitimately - i.e., in consonance with the Quranic principles of social morality - be considered "decent" or "indecent" in a person's outward appearance.] hence, let them draw their head-coverings over their bosoms. [The noun khimar (of which khumur is the plural) denotes the head-covering customarily used by Arabian women before and after the advent of Islam. According to most of the classical commentators, it was worn in pre-Islamic times more or less as all ornament and was let down loosely over the wearer's back; and since, in accordance with the fashion prevalent at the time, the upper part of a woman's tunic had a wide opening in the front, her breasts cleavage were left bare. Hence, the injunction to cover the bosom by means of a khimar, (a term so familiar to the contemporaries of the Prophet) does not necessarily relate to the use of a khimar as such but is, rather, meant to make it clear that a woman's breasts are not included in the concept of "what may decently be apparent" of her body and should not, therefore, be displayed.] And let them not display [more of] their charms to any but their husbands, or their fathers, or their husbands' fathers, or their sons, or their husbands' Sons, or their brothers, or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their womenfolk, or those whom they rightfully possess, or such male attendants as are beyond all sexual desire, [I.e., very old men. The preceding phrase "those whom they rightfully possess" (lit., "whom their right hands possess") denotes slaves; but see also second note on verse 58.] or children that are as yet unaware of women's nakedness; and let them not swing their legs [in walking] so as to draw attention to their hidden charms [Lit., "so that those of their charms which they keep hidden may become known", The phrase yadribna bi-arjulihinna is idiomatically similar to the phrase daraba bi-yadayhi fi mishyatihi, "he swung his arms in walking" (quoted in this context in Taj al-Arus), and alludes to a deliberately provocative gait.] And [always], O you believers - all of you - turn unto God in repentance, so that you might attain to a happy state! [The implication of this general call to repentance is that "since man has been created weak" 4:28, no one is ever free of faults and temptations - so much so that even the Prophet used to say, "Verily, I turn unto Him in repentance a hundred times every day" (Ibn Hanbal, Bukhari and Bayhaqi, all of then, on the authority of Abd Allah ibn Umar).]

    Hence, some Muslim women only do head covering and wear over coats and some wear a full veil leaving the face open and some wear a full head to toe veil, covering even their faces.

    Also, if you feel like changing, change for the sake of Allah for His pleasure. This is why I repeatedly emphasize in all my answers to questions " Read the Qur'an a lot and ponder upon its verses" and know for yourself what kind of life you are required to live as Muslims.

    If you change for your husband under pressure or on insistence and you do not like doing it, you will feel it is a burden. If you change for Allah, you will change by your own choice and you will enjoy doing it expecting rewards for it from Allah and seeking His good pleasure.

    My advice is Make Allah your goal. Automatically other things in life, Insha Allah will fall in place.

    Hope you do not feel alone. You can ask as many questions as you like to us on different matters in Islam and we would be more than happy to answer you.

    Salaam.

    * * *

  6. pls this will serve as a rejoinder to what i opined in the beginning.... i want to say something concerning wearing the hijab and abay.... as far as dis is concerned, wearing d hijab is mandatory upon you. this is to protect your integrity and moral values. you will gain more respect from people [since you dont look that cheap as compared to old you].. but wearing the hijab becomes exceptional if you are within the 4 corners of your house or when you are in mix of islamic sisters or your muharrams [ your close relations]... ... sister aziza, you have to know that ALLAH has done a grate favour upon you by reverting to religion of peace [islam]. i will advice you not to miss-use this opportunity and treasure given to u by ALLAH... you have the keys to paradise in your own hand and the only way you can open it is by obeying ALLAH [ ie doing what ALLAH said you should do and abstain from what HE forbids u from doing....]... i also want to say something which is out of your question; [something just between me and u]...... why not u convince your parent and ur relatives to accept islam..... i know it will be a very hard task but why not u give it a try..... try to explain 2 dem d beauty of islam verbally and also let dem see it reflecting in u... if they need any kind of proof as regards d authenticity of d religion or d massengership of d prophet [SAW], pls dont hesitate 2 contact us here... may ALLAH guide and assist u in process of carrying out your task....... we care for u just for d sake of islam.................................................................... Mohd

  7. Salaam sister aziza.. Sister z have given an excellent approach in favour of answering ur questions... Mine is just 2 give some finishing touches.. . Really i felt very bad when i read ur story because i felt ur husband is totally wrong in virtually all what u wrote about him.. '''he use to tell me harsh words like stupid, idiot, brainless, useless, dirty woman, ' A SHIT LIKE My MOM' etc'''... I don't think dis is d quality of a good muslim as d prophet has never made such a comment on his wives.. It is true dat atimes there may be some little misunderstanding btw couples but dat does'nt give room 4 such abusive words... What islam encourages in such instances is 4 d couples 2 sit and resolve d problem by speaking 2 each other on a high intellectual level.,not mistreating each other..... Ur husband is also wrong 4 him wanting u 2 go far from ur family., may be he think they will influence u since u are just a new revert and u are just trying 2 adjust 2 d system.. Ur husband soppose 2 b free with ur family so dat they can see d beauty of islam from both of u and may be they may come 2 know d truth about d religion and consequently embrace islam.. Anyway nobody is above mistakes but ur husband is also wrong by not allowing ur biological father 2 stay with u when he visited u...... It seem as if u are depressed sister but u have 2 know dat islam denounces all bad and inhuman act.. May be u think rightly(4 d fact dat he is in jail) of which inshaAllah he will change when he is released from dat bondage. . . Also by ur du'aas(prayers) and also try 2 involve those dat u think he will listen to..also try 2 reason with him about dis issue of work since islam has not given any restriction 2 it, infact d wife of d prophet(SAW) "khadija" is a business woman and she assist the prophet in taking care of d house..... .d best ur husband can do is 2 follow d life history of d prophet(SAW) and 2 take him as his role model. . .....,,... . "" do i have 2 say yes all d time and never ague or reason"".. sister, islam encourages u 2 reason together on a common platform, not 2 ague (which will result in quarrel and fight).. U have 2 love and respect ur husband when he is doing d right thing, but u should'nt obey him when he disobey's Allah.. Sister, i think what u should do is 2 sit with him, talk 2 his in a nice way and explain 2 him how bad u feel.(i trust he will listen 2 u) ..., reason with him and let him understand dat he is not showing good example as a good muslim (considering d fact dat he exposed u 2 islam) ... . Try 2 involve those u think he will listen 2 so that they will talk 2 him (base on spirit of understanding). . . I think 'sister z' has done justice 2 d question "how muslim marriage live should be? ". . . I will like 2 stop here and i trust someone will explain 2 u in dis forum how 2 become a good wife..., and also d do's and dont's in muslim marraige specially 4 d wife. . . We care for u sister, take care of ur self

  8. # ADDITION

    Why you say before you said you could bear physical abuse but not mental?

    No one has any right to do wife bashing. Not in the Religion of Allah at least. You should act rightly and if you are on the path of Allah no husband has any right to accuse you or abuse you.

    Never even think of accepting abuse, be it mental or physical.

    I see you have a humble heart and not like disputes and fights. But be strong sister. Be strong for God's sake. Do not let anyone dominate your life except Allah.

    Salaam.

    * * *

    • Sister , the problem started after you revealed your past . Brothermunib ,have shared some great advice .

      Also do check other questions of similar problem like yours on this site . They also contain some useful advices .

  9. Assalamu alaykum Sister Aziza,

    Sister, Masha Allah, I am very happy to see your efforts towards moulding yourself in to Islam/ your readiness to do things to please your husband and also your willingness to learn more about Islamic married life.

    Sister, let us discuss your point in three parts:

    1. Your husband & his restrictions
    2. Your current situation & dealing with it
    3. The way ahead

    1. Your husband & his restrictions:

    Just today me and Br. Wael, editor of this site, were putting forward points about not revealing the past to husbands and it's consequences. See sister, when you told him of your past, he still thinks you are the same as before, he is still suspicious about you even after your willingness to please him as he likes. And you on the other hand, even after knowing about his past, trust him and love him and do as he likes.

    He may be loving you a lot, but he is putting too much restrictions which are not a part of Islam. It is not your duty to do anything your husband wants you to if it is not prescribed by Allah and goes against your own will as well. My advice is : Read the Qur'an and you will Insha Allah know for yourself.

    Allah says in the Qur'an, in Surah 24, An Nuur,

    30. Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is Aware of what they do.
    31. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigour, or children who know naught of women's nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that ye may succeed.

    Your father is allowed to see you, meet you and be alone with you as well. So there is absolutely no need to listen to your husband in this regards.

    Most problems crop up due to ignorance of Islam rather than knowledge and so people in their ignorance create problems for themselves and for others.

    Being a Muslim, you have to please Allah, do things He mentions in the Qur'an, if you do things pleasing to Allah, any sane Muslim husband would also be pleased to see you do so.

    He may be in jail and so he may be over possessive about you, he may think I am here inside since one year, what if she meets someone outside, what if she thinks of leaving me. A man may have such fears and this may also be the reason he may be acting like this.

    Allah calls Christians and Jews a lot of times as : People of the Book and no abusive language has been used for them, though their false beliefs may have been brought to light by the Qur'an.

    Allah even praises Christians at an instance in Surah 5, Al Maidah:
    82. Thou wilt find the most vehement of mankind in hostility to those who , believe (to be) the Jews and the idolaters. And thou wilt find the nearest of them in affection to those who believe (to be) those who say: Lo! We are Christians. That is because there are among them priests and monks, and because they are not proud.
    83. When they listen to that which hath been revealed unto the messenger, thou seest their eyes overflow with tears because of their recognition of the Truth. They say: Our Lord, we believe. Inscribe us as among the witnesses.
    84. How should we not believe in Allah and that which hath come unto us of the Truth. And (how should we not) hope that our Lord will bring us in along with righteous folk?
    85. Allah hath rewarded them for that their saying. Gardens underneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide forever. That is the reward of the good.
    86. But those who disbelieve and deny Our revelations, they are owners of hell fire.

    We pray and hope Insha Allah you will be among the dwellers of Gardens underneath which rivers flow.

    So one should refrain from thinking all people are the same. Yes, most people may be living evil lives, but not all are the same. Allah knows, we don't.

    2. Your current situation & dealing with it

    As far as your current situation is concerned, my advice is: Seek company of knowledgable Muslim sisters, go to a near by mosque where women meet in halaqas and ask them to provide you with translation of the Qur'an in your language if you find Arabic hard to understand.

    Pray to Allah, He listens to every caller when he calls out to Him. He is the knower of the hidden and the proclaimed. So call Him Day and Night for help. Surely He will ease your life for you.

    Being a wife now. You are required to be loyal to your husband. He is required to provide for you, it is his responsibility. As a wife your duty is determined on the situation in your life. Different women take up different roles: Some run the house, do household work, bring up children and look after the family. Some women work and earn and also look after their family. Someone women just enjoy their stay in the house and servants do the rest of the work. So in terms of work, it depends on husband and wife, their understanding and how they want to move ahead with marriage and what are the roles they expect from each other.

    Yes, faithfulness to husband is required at all times and avoiding company of non - mahram men as well. You have to provide him with love and affection in all ways within your capacity. There are not one on one guidelines - rather it is all very mutual, depending upon each couple how they adjust, fit in to their roles and how well they help and guide each other in living a steady married life and building up a family. It all works with mutual support.

    So if you and your husband live with understanding of each other's needs, Insha Allah, there would not be a problem.

    3. The way ahead

    Now this is your life. Past you know, present you know. Future none knows except Allah. So a few things are to sit and decide what you want to do.

    Read the Qur'an and seek knowledge of Islam and ways of worshipping Allah.

    Try if you can, to help your husband come out of jail if laws and legal options allow you to do that in the country you reside.

    Masha Allah, I see you are very keen and enthusiastic about Islam, so I believe Insha Allah you will learn about Islam quickly.

    Insha Allah, you will get advices from more sisters on this website. So take the ones which you find helpful.

    But read the Qur'an a great deal and keep to patience. Patience is very important Islamic virtue.

    The Qur'an is your primary source of getting to know Allah and what pleases Him and what earns His displeasure. It is a blessing from Allah for Muslims. So read it and Insha Allah you will find a way ahead.

    1. Praise be to Allah Who hath revealed the Scripture unto His slave, and hath not placed therein any crookedness,
    2. (But hath made it) straight, to give warning of stem punishment from Him, and to bring unto the believers who do good works the news that theirs will be a fair reward.
    - Surah 18, Al Kahf.

    Surah 3. Al-Imran
    1. Alif. Lam. Mim.
    2. Allah! There is no God save Him, the Alive, the Eternal.
    3. He hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture with truth, confirming that which was (revealed) before it, even as He revealed the Torah and the Gospel

    We also pray for you.

    Salaam.

    * * *

    • Pls i wish 2 make some clerification on verse 3 of suratul al imran just 4 d benefit of our sister dat reverted (sis azeeza). . . "' IT IS HE WHO HAS SENT DOWN THE BOOK TO YOU WITH TRUTH CONFIRMING WHAT CAME BEFORE IT. AND HE SENT DOWN TORAH AND THE GOSPEL'" ... Pls d torah and d gospel dat Allah speaks here does not refer 2 d present day bible we are having. . ..., it refers 2 d original torah dat was given 2 prophet moses during his life time and d original gospel given 2 prophet jesus during his life time.. . ... . . Not d books of d old testement dat was written many many yrs after d death of moses.. Even d book of deutronomy(d last book ascribed 2 moses) was writen after his death. . .(see deut chapter34 verse 5 onward). . .and also not d book of d new testement dat was writen by people(who claim dat some holy ghost inspire dem 2 write it) many yrs after jesus left d world.. . . So pls take note

  10. Dear Aziza,

    Its very sad to hear that you are being treated like this. Its a grave misconception that a Muslim wife cannot speak or have an opinion. The truth couldnt be far enough from this. If you want to know what a Muslim marriage should be like, we should take examples from the best of mankind and hence look towards the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammed(saw). A Muslim woman is encouraged to play a positive active role in her family life. The Prophet(saw) used to discuss important family matters with his wives before deciding things. His first wife Khadija(ra) was a confident and successful business woman, she also took care of the Prophet(saw), she supported him in all his affairs. The Prophet(saw) loved Khadija(ra)'s family immensely and even after her death he(saw) kept good relations with them. His youngest wife Aisha(ra) was probably his most beloved wife after Khadija(ra), he(saw) taught her so much and she maashaAllah narrated many of his(saw) ahadith to the world. She was also a scholar woman.

    The Quran describes Marriage as such a beautiful, intimate, pure and peaceful institution. It is a gift from Allah to us to live together with our spouses in a good manner and to attain protection and security. Allah(swt) says about marriage in the Quran: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts]: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Qur’an 30:21)

    Allah (swt) also says in the Qur’an about the treatment of a husband to his wife: ". . . live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." (Qur’an 4:19)

    The Prophet (S.A.W.) admonished all men, saying: “Treat women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

    Furthermore, he(saw) also said: “The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women;” and “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, there will be others that do please him.” (Muslim)

    A good Muslim husband respects his wife, he is gentle with her, he never says anything to hurt her (let alone swear words). He loves her and her family, he supports her, he helps her develop her personality, he helps her with house chores, he discusses family issues with her, he takes advice from her, he treats her as his equal, not as his servant. A husband and wife are garments to each other, meaning they cover each other's faults, they protect each other and give each other peace and tranquility.

    ***

    So dear Sister Aziza, it is not right for your husband to be mistreating you at all. This is not from Islam.

    I apologise I cannot write more at the moment, as I am due to leave for work shortly. Insha'Allah someone else will write in with something more specific to your case.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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