Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Giving up hope of marriage because real Muslimahs don’t exist.

confused hijabi

I am in my late twenties living on the east coast of the US, fairly successful, and decent looking alhamdulillah. I worked hard my entire youth to make sure I could afford marriage soon so I never fall for haram. Many opportunities came, but I avoided them so I don't end up doing something haram.

Now when it is time for marriage, I analyze potential girls and the ummah around me and I see nothing but people who are having or had premarital relationships. All of my Muslim friends (men and women) that I have been close to have been involved in premarital relations, some were even Hijabis; and I don't know what they wear hijab for if they have boyfriends. After looking around I am extremely disappointed that I don't see any women who remained chaste their entire life.

Although a very few real chaste sisters do exist, their looks, family, culture, and education also matter.  I used to be so happy that I would marry a muslimah and love her till I die. That isn't the case now because whoever I will marry will have her ex-boyfriends in her heart and mind, who left them after having fun with them to poor guys like me who dedicate their entire lives to their wives.

I feel like killing myself when I even think of the possibility that other men would have seen my wife naked or touched her inappropriately, let alone zina. I will feel like a fool and cuckold my entire life. Therefore, I am thinking of having a girlfriend myself now because that would give me the peace that I have never had in my life, but fear of Allah keeps me from doing that. I am extremely confused, depressed, and devastated. Marriage was the biggest wish in my life. I have desires and need for a loved one too, but I feel like I will die alone miserable and dejected. I have lost interest in everything now.


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206 Responses »

  1. ASA!

    First of all I'm happy that you have been strong and staying away from sin! But don't give hope brother! If you have worked this hard why give into temptation now? Inshallah you will find the girl that is right for you! Give it time, if not here in the US then try going back home and looking for a girl there. Doing something bad wi not give you peace of mind, in the long run it will come back to tortute you!

    Best of luck! And keep faith!


    • ive heard that response before but I don't want to get married late in life I too want a virtuous wife but I don't know if I`ll ever find one I feel the same way that brother feels sad

  2. I need to ask I feel the same why the brother feels but how am I ever going to find that kind of woman who is virtuous I dnt wana marry late in life

  3. Assalamu Aliakum Brother,

    As soon as I opened your post it made me really sad, you can't say there are no decent Muslim women around, yes some ladies have sinned in their lives and regretted and asked forgiveness and have made an effort to change their lives, and yes there are women who have no had relationships but may not be perfect in other ways in terms of what your looking for, but that is the point, no-one is perfect and you will find no perfect girl, but as you have been in no relationships there are also ladies who have not.

    You can not give up and rule out all women because you are upset with there being 'no decent women in the ummah there are plenty of women who can do you justice, just as you believe to be a catch for another sister. The worst thing you can do is rebel on your own self and decide to have a girlfriend just because you believe that no such lady exists, that is the worst thing you can do as it is only yourself that you are hurting, this is your test brother, and you need to keep patient and continue in duaa and being positive for your future spouse, when you meet her and are married to her you will completely feel everything you struggled with was worth it, keep patient and use this as a motivation to make more duaa as Allah swt loves those who ask, beg and need him as he loves to give!

    Please also note there are women just like you who feel that there is 'no guy that has no have relationships in his past' and that is also a decent man, fears Allah and follows Allah swt and our rasul (saws) as well as have all the perks of having a good family, looks, job - as what some parents like to base their search on. What about the women who are the same as you and feel this way? this is not all one size fits all, everyone is struggling and no situation is perfect because simply nothing is in this dunya, you may end up getting married to someone chaste but has committed sin in her life but that doesn’t mean you would have been better off, or that the grass was greener on the other side, you future spouse has been written near your name already, time and place will all be in sync when it happens, keep positive and keep patient, there are women who want to please their husbands and live a good life in this temporary little world of ours.

    You also mentioned that you hate the thought of someone touching your future wife let alone anything else.. and that your afraid she will be thinking of him, you are very right to feel that way but are very wrong that she will think of her ex person of whatever, that is not true, girls are not as evil as you think decent girls want their husbands and only their husbands despite their sins in their past, that would actually distraught a lady if you would say that as past sins are something that people do not want to think about, they are passed their life sins if they have repented and seek the please of Allah swt, her husband and her family. You need to find a practising Muslimah that is in love with Allah so that she will be in love with you and show you the goodness of her heart and you will be utter awe inshAllah, please don’t loose hope, as we need it otherwise sometimes everything can be that extra bit bitter… but with hope in Allah swt and using something that someone struggles with or wants, we can use that as a good thing to ask more through duaa, pray more, do better as what is the point of making everything so negative? We will just loose ourselves and head to worse issues.

    Try also to extend your horions a bit, if your stuck on one region, then expand a little.

    Please don’t loose hope, smile and may Allah make your search easier for you Ameen..

    In the darkness... seek the light… your future lady is near inshAllah.

    Smile HOPEFULL Brother!!! Not allowed to say hopeless 🙂


    Sister R

    • shukran that gave me hope shukran

    • The issue with women is that they are emotional beings. Once they fall in love with a guy they have feelings for them forever. They might try to love their husband but they never forget their exes. I have read many threads on islamic forums of married women thinking about their ex bfs when things get a little shaky In their marriage. Moreover, no man likes being compared to other men let alone someone who has never been with a woman. Men are territorial, it is more of an honor issue. Women cannot comprehend what it feels like to a man.

      • I agree with this statement brother: "Moreover, no man likes being compared to other men let alone someone who has never been with a woman. Men are territorial; it is more of an honor issue. Women cannot comprehend what it feels like to a man."

        However, I do not think all women would be like that, especially if she is a good and practicing Muslimah. Also, I believe that part of the reasons why a woman might be thinking of her ex is when she is not treated well in her current marriage, and she feels her ex marriage was better than the current one. Also I think this can also happen even if she has never been with a man before (and has fulfilled all your four expectations completely), and she is not being treated well in her marriage, she might want to think of how others are successful in their marriage, and this might invite fitnah in her mind. So there is no harm if you are focusing on the side of her commitment to Allah, and then doing the rest with the help of Allah after the marriage.

        Also, your four expectations about the virgin Muslimah is so high. And it might take some time to get all those five expectations in one person at once. And you seem to want to take a dangerous track if it doesn't happen soon, which is why you should consider that you remained chaste for the sake of Allah, and therefore you can't ruin everything now for the sake of anything else other than Allah. If you would want to have patient again for some time while you continue to pray to Allah, this would be better, but if not I will advise that you accept the will of Allah.

        • May Allah grant him all four and an incredibly chaste virgin Muslimah.

        • What if I am not happy with the marriage. Who would I think of then I have no exes. And my expectations are valid given I dont care much about her education, family background which most people care about. On the other hand I am everything most women desire, a young good looking tall millionaire who drives a ferrari Alhamdulillah. I can get the hottest women the haram way but I dont because I fear Allah.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            While some women may find themselves attracted to good-looking millionaires with fast cars, those women tend not to be ones who are devoted to their religion, and pious women tend not to be impressed by material aspects but by faith, good character, and modesty. Personally, if I had to choose between a materially wealthy man and a less financially secure man to marry, I would choose the man who had greater deen and character - whether he could afford nice things wouldn't factor in to the equation at all, as what good are those things when we stand in front of Allah?

            Brother, it seems as though you are very caught up in the physical aspects of this Dunya, and maybe need to rethink this prior to marriage. I'm also concerned that your descriptions of women seem somewhat objectified - phrases such as "I can get the hottest women" aren't phrases most Muslimahs would want their husband to be saying or to have been saying prior to marriage.

            Physical appearance and material wealth are transient. When looking for a spouse, we should be looking for someone with whom we can become closer to Allah, and forge a meaningful partnership in this life and the next, inshaAllah.


          • "On the other hand I am everything most women desire, a young good looking tall millionaire who drives a Ferrari Alhamdulillah."

            Subhaanallah, this statement really shocked me. It made me doubt if he is truly one of us. Because the type of training one gets to be able to reach the level where he/she can stay chaste or be a good Muslim/Muslimah, could have been enough to prevent such a person from uttering a statement like this.

            Are you younger than the Prophet (s.a.w.s) when he first got married to a widow who was 40 and he was 25?

            Is your good looking better than the Prophet (s.a.w.s)?

            Are you taller than the Prophet (s.a.w.s)?

            Are you richer than the Prophet (s.a.w.s), whom when Allah asked him to turn the mountains into gold for him, he rejected it by saying he wants to feel hungry today and eat tomorrow?

            You drive only a Ferrari in this Dunya, are you better than the Prophet (s.a.w.s) who drove people with the light of Allah to Islam in this Dunya, and then drove them to Jannah with the mercy of Allah on the day of Qiyaamah?

            "I can get the hottest women the haram way but I don't because I fear Allah."

            So if you won't do the haram because you fear Allah, then what are you really asking us to tell you for God sake???

            Are you expecting us to tell you to go do the haram or what???

            The choice is yours, if you want to do it or are already there, it's up to you. But Allah has witnessed that everyone here advised you not to go for the haram.

            Allah says in the Holy Quran:

            76. Quaroon belonged to the clan of Moses, but he oppressed them. We had given him treasures, the keys of which would weigh down a group of strong men. His people said to him, “Do not exult; God does not love the exultant.
            77. But seek, with what God has given you, the Home of the Hereafter, and do not neglect your share of this world. And be charitable, as God has been charitable to you. And do not seek corruption in the land. God does not like the seekers of corruption.”
            78. He said, “I was given all this on account of knowledge I possess.” Did he not know that God destroyed many generations before him, who were stronger than he, and possessed greater riches? But the guilty will not be asked about their sins.
            79. And he went out before his people in his splendor. Those who desired the worldly life said, “If only we possessed the likes of what Quaroon was given. He is indeed very fortunate.”
            80. But those who were given knowledge said, “Woe to you! The reward of God is better for those who believe and do righteous deeds.” Yet none attains it except the steadfast.
            81. So We caused the earth to cave in on him and his mansion. He had no company to save him from God, and he could not defend himself.
            82. Those who had wished they were in his position the day before were saying, “Indeed, it is God who spreads the bounty to whomever He wills of His servants, and restricts it. Had God not been gracious to us, He would have caved in on us. No wonder the ungrateful never prosper.”
            83. That Home of the Hereafter—We assign it for those who seek no superiority on earth, nor corruption. And the outcome is for the cautious.
            84. Whoever brings a virtue will receive better than it. But whoever brings evil—the evildoers will be rewarded only according to what they used to do.

            (Quran 28: 76 - 84)

          • Who told you you are everything most women desire? Was it your mommy? Or did you conduct a survey of all women to determine what they were looking for in a spouse?

            Virtuous Muslim girls do not care one bit for ferraris or millionaires. I'm sorry if you thought that was your ticket to a virgin. As long as you live your life with this expectation, you will not get what you want. You sound like a spoiled, conceited rich boy who has always got what he wanted, and is now crying because he has encountered some difficulty.

            Sorry if I sound harsh but this last comment of yours really spoke volumes. Just remember that most young, sweet hijab-wearing virgin Muslim girls from good families will go running away from someone like you, because you have arrogance written all over that Ferrari.

          • Precisely brother!

            You can get the hottest women with these material things but not the good muslimas! Thats your problem then you with these attributes you only attract the "bad girls" who will just want your money and looks and then leave you once a more richer guy comes along.

            If you want a good muslima then first become a good muslim man with your appearance and character then you will be everything a good muslima desires! Then you won't be complaining that there are no good muslimas around. There problem solved!

            : )

          • What if I am not happy with the marriage?

            Who told you that, you won't be happy with the marriage? Is it your insecurity? If so, most women do not desire men who are not secure in themselves. So follow the footsteps of the prophet (s.a.w.s) and his Sahabahs (r.a) you will be secure, and then will all women desire a man like you.

            Who would I think of then I have no exes?

            Think of Allah and about the day you shall meet Him, and then be grateful to Him for any condition in this world.

            And my expectations are valid given I don't care much about her education, family background which most people care about.

            1-When you make things difficult for yourself, Allah decrees for you the hardships of its consequences. So seek forgiveness of Allah and turn to Him with a clean heart.

            2-Considre everyone better than you, regardless of whom they are.

            3-Open your heart for any good practicing Muslimah, regardless of whether she is a virgin or not. (If Allah loves her, why can't you love her too?)

            4-Keep on praying with a good heart, Allah will listen to you!

            The Almighty Allah says:

            8. God knows what every female bears, and every increase and decrease of the wombs. With Him, everything is by measure.
            9. The Knower of the Invisible and the Visible; the Grand, the Supreme.
            10. It is the same; whether one of you conceals his speech, or declares it; whether he goes into hiding by night, or goes out by day.
            11. He has a succession; before him and behind him, protecting him by God’s command. God does not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves. And if God wills any hardship for a people, there is no turning it back;, and apart from Him they have no protector.

            (Quran 13: 8 – 11)

          • This is incredible arrogance. Absolutely vile and disgusting arrogance. Know that a person with even a mustard's seed of arrogance in his heart will not enter Paradise.

            Forget about getting a virgin girl. You have become arrogant and ascribed purity two yourself, two things that are horrendous in this deen.

            You don't deserve anything. Allah is your Lord and he will give you a wife if he wants to.

            But I think you've shown your true colors. I was trying to be understanding and give you the benefit of the doubt but subhanAllah, what Muslim talks like this?

            Know that the companions of the fire will not have a moment of relief, no virgins and no sex at all, and not companionship except with Jahannam.

          • Exactly same like u brother. I am also in my twenties, let me tell u brother u r in the US, well i am here in Pakistan a much much more conservative country but believe me even here its very difficult to find someone with no premarital relationships, like u i also abstained myself from these evils no gfs no nothing even at the cost of my career ( a move not even muslim women take today) which is still in doom after i left a high ranking university due to coeducation. I am struggling ever since and yet what i find around myself is not worth it. women with premarital relationships, yes even with their hijabs on, what is even more depressing is that they use hijab with the naqabs to actually hide their identity from being recognised. On the other hand when i get depressed and decide to give up hope of marriage for the rest of my life, i am reminded by my friends about the hadith of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that " He who has the means of marriage and does not marry is not amongst us ". I am left speechless. Although i am not financially able yet but things will only get worse as the time progresses. I would also like to say that dont take the word from any sister on this matter brother as they cannot imagine what it is for a man to accept someone with a bad past. Sometimes i regret being born in this age.

            Anyhow i am posting this comment to give you hope that there are brothers like u elsewhere as well and you are not alone. Lets hope for the best brother.

          • OmG! R u for real bro? Seriously dont count all your chickens before theyre hatched. Not All women r infidels or have pasts! U sexist person! How can u say dont listen to the women for advice! How do u think we feel when we think no man is a virgin? We dont cry over it, we thank Allah for what he had planned for us instead of crying over it n hello this isnt a male only advice place! Seriously grow up! Atleast we are mature and non judgemental. Btw.. Dont dwell on the idea of getting a "virgin" u will just go mental! I dont know where U live but where i m in the UK nobody in my area is lie that, open your eyes n stop acting all woe is me! Read namaz n pray for self and focus on big issues around the world rather than spending time stressing about your so called virgins.. Focus on your test if Allah finds worthy ul get ur woman Inshaallah, who knows how long were going to live focus on ur test rather than us "women"

          • Mods, please delete Aisha's incredibly rude and unhelpful comment.

            Aisha, just to let you know, female virginity is stronger in a males psyche than male virginity. Why do you think female virginity is prized around the world?

            It's natural to hate the idea of getting married to a woman with a past. There is nothing wrong with that. Please take your own judgmental opinions elsewhere.

    • Salaam I have read your post and know exactly what your going through I am a Muslim female married to my husband for 18 years and have done everything I can for him and his distinctional family I put with everything because I thought my husband had clear of such deeds of premarital see but recently I found out my husband had such intimate relationships and where I had never, I had kept myself sacred for the my husband as a good Islamic girl is expected to
      Now finding this out it has hurt me very much and don't not know how will I ever emotionally recover from this and what to do, the thought my husband had sex with some one else literally so painful its crippling me... And I feel that I really didn't know my husband at all..... I pray for patience and understanding .... God pls Me through this pain

      • Sister, if your husband has been faithful to you for 18 years then I suggest you not worry about what happened before the marriage. He chose you and he loves you. Leave the past in the past.

        Wael Editor

        • Why forget the past? It is not a joke, brother Wael makes it seem like it's no big deal. The pain of putting up with the unislamic past of a spouse is like a cancer that only grows. Especially to men because our women is our honor to us.

          • Of course it's not a joke, but if a couple have been happily married for 18 years, do you think it's worth destroying that because of something that happened far in the past, before they met?

            You said that the "pain of putting up with the unIslamic past of a spouse is like a cancer." You are mistaken. Actually it is the obsession with the unIslamic past of a spouse that is a cancer. Or obsession with one's own past mistakes, for that matter. The past cannot be changed, and the future cannot be controlled. One can only choose his actions in the present moment. The potential to be happy, to be kind, to forgive, and to worship Allah well, exist in every current moment.


      • Sister, yes its painful but its life. I used to argue on this topic a lot but now i think its the same a sin is only a sin when someone catches it as they say, you are only sinful when you're caught. So be patient that's all we can do verily Allah is with the patient ones.

        As for the brothers and sisters who say that you can be blamed for not marrying a non-virgin, i say everyone has their choice. No one can force you to get married to someone. Yes its been said that when a person repents he is free from his sins and i agree with it. But he is free from his sins in the sight of Allah, the other spouse still has his/her choices, yes he/she can also forgive but forgiveness does not necessarily mean he/she has to stay with that person for the rest of their life.

        If a person thinks that he/she cannot continue their relationship further, then they have a choice to depart rather than torturing themselves and other person further. Similarly its not obligatory for one to marry a non-virgin at the first place.

        • Brother Farhaj, did you get married yet? What are your plans in terms of marriage. I think you were in pakistan so I guess it must be alot easier for you than me to find a pious girl. Although i do realize the ills of westernization in Pakistani society.

          • Please remember that a pious girls you are looking for marriage is not only the girl who has kept her chaste but also a girl who has slept with guys before but has repented sincerely later .

            After sincere repentance her sexual past is cleared so again she is pious now ..So be clear about this part else you will get upset after marriage as in islam we are not supposed to confess sins and those repented girls needs to be present as a chaste ..

            So if you are still intrested in a girl with no history then you need to directly ask her that you are looking for a virgin girl with no past and definitely she will back up without confessing her sins if he had some past ... If you don't ask then you might not get what you want

          • I can't tell if you're serious or being sarcastic. Any man would prefer a chaste girl over one who has "slept with guys", as you say. But you are correct that if you want to know, then you have to ask. Though a truly chaste girl will probably find a question like that offensive. Personally I think the best one can do is to make a judgment of a woman based on what you can see of her personality. Does she pray, wear hijab, and seem like a kind person? Then marry her, and do not pry into her past.


  4. salam aleykum brother

    so if i understand you, you are saying because women have done wrong in the past you are going to punish yourself by committing 2 harams:

    1) not marrying is haram - The Prophet said He who does not marry is not of us

    2) committing zina yourself - think about this for a moment - you can't find a woman to marry because they have committed zina so you are going to commit zina. really?

    and you say you are fairly successful? but where is the success if you commit haram? Allah said in An Nawawi 40 hadeeth of a man who is imploring Allah but whose clothes, money and food are haram "So how can i help him?" asks Allah.

    You should apply to your local mosque for zawaj marriage service and you should yourself regularly attend, learn your deen and live by it and you will live through it and Allah will give you everything that is good for you.

    not by doing zina

    • I have been living by my deen and still am hence I have never committed zina. However, I am extremely frustrated now because I have desires too and there is no solution to this problem. Marrying a girl who has been with other men would be like suicide to me so I was considering alternatives.

      • SubhanAllah, you think pious virgin Muslimahs don't exist? Then you think wrong. Stop looking at this situation through the wrong lens. You haven't looked far enough.

        • By the way even if they do exist how do you find out? I know brothers from forums who have been lied to and found out later and their marriages were devastated

      • Brother, sometimes I abstain from talking about what I did in my life for the sake of Allah, fear of falling into Riya (being proud of myself or making others feel bad in some way). But I think it is ok sometimes in the state of giving advice to others-I seek refuge of Allah from Shaitaan, and I ask Allah Ta'Alaa to forgive me.

        I myself had had stayed chaste like you until I got married (never did zina). My family is a good Muslim that is respected by the whole community. However, during my early adult life, after I came across the story of the three brothers (the one I mentioned in my first comment), I took many lessons, and it helped me understood the purposes of staying chaste. And then when it was time for me to get married, I wasn't expecting anything more than a good practicing Muslimah. My family told me to give the permission, and they will find me the best four virgins (and there were many invitations), but my thinking was beyond that. I decided to marry a lovely beautiful widow (a year ago), who is a good practicing Muslimah (and I am always proud of her Alhamdulillah). My case is very similar to what the prophet (s.a.w.s) did when he was 25 with Khadija (r.a). I am now exceeding my mid-twenties, and I still get wonderful invitations to marry virgins (and my wife wants me to marry them because she says "others need you"), but I reject such invitations because I know I am not the type of man who can really have much time for more than one woman, let alone to be able to do justice between them.

        So through my experience I have understood that whenever you overlook something and expect anything for the sake of Allah, the more everything becomes closer to you. It won't be a suicide thing if you manage it carefully Insha'Allah.

        • Masha'Allah

        • Salaam brother.I have been reading your responses to this posts for quite some time and your way of explaining things is so eloquent Masha'Allah.I'm trying to learn more about Islam in a way comprehensible to me, and listening to people like you make me proud to be a Muslim.Plus your life story about how you met your wife, and what you expected in a wife was so beautiful, and it is so, so touching that she is God fearing enough to want to share her husband with other wives, so that you may help others.May Allah grant you both Paradise in this world and the Hereafter, Ameen.I pray I attain such level of faith as well.

          • Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister "Calm_Soul"

            May Allah reward you for your kind Du'a for me and my wife - we pray the same for you and more, sister "Calm_Soul".

            Masha'Allah, we are glad to know that our sister somewhere is proud to be a Muslimah, just as we are too, Alhamdulillah. And it's good to hear that you are trying as much as you can to learn more about Islam. My wife and I are doing the same Alhamdulillah.

            Most importantly (in our learning) what we should always be aware of is the purpose of our creation. Allah created us to worship Him, and the purpose of worshiping Him is to attain His love and pleases, and the consequence of attaining the love and pleases of Allah is His forgiveness and mercy; through in which we attain the eternal happiness.

            The heart desires and need the eternal happiness and it searches for it in everything it touches in this Dunya, and then when the world seems to fail it in the end, it gets hurt and disappointed. But why is it like that? It's because, the path towards the eternal happiness has been diverted to the wrong direction and has been limited to the transient joys of the Dunya, and the only way out is to begin from the basic, which is to learn to follow the Quran and Sunnah (practice Islam well according to the -Shari'a- Islamic laws). Allah Has set an example for us in the life of the prophet (s.a.w.s) and his wives (r.a) and companions (r.a). And any brother could learn something from the life of the prophet (s.a.w.s), and any sister could also learn something from the wives of the prophet (s.a.w.s).

            As to the trials of Allah that we may encounter in this life, we must fear Allah and rely on Him, and then learn to accept His will, for He tests us in many ways to distinguish between the honest and the dishonest among His savants with clear proofs.

            I will end up with a saying of my grandfather, he said: "the best way to get whatever you want in this Dunya and it joys without getting hurt and disappointed in the end, is to take Dunya out of your heart and then place it on your palm, and then let Allah be in your heart. If you do so, you will control Dunya on your palm and can have what you desire from it, and then leave the Dunya itself whenever you want, as long as Allah remains in your heart, you won't cross the limits of Allah. But if you keep Allah out of your heart and then keep Dunya in there, the Dunya will control you and you will never be able to leave it as long as it still remains in your heart, but in the end it will just disappoint you."

            May Allah bless and guide you and us all, and may He help you and us all attain the three levels (Islam, Iman and Ihsan)

          • Thank you so much brother.Your words are like balm to some one who is struggling hard to maintain a good, honourable life in a society that tends to view sincerity and honesty as foolishness, and literally eats such people up.May Allah guide us all, and keep us under His protection, Ameen.And my regards to you and your lovely wife.

        • Widow is no problem for many as she lost her virginity in a halaal way .Some brothers have problem if girl they want to marry has lost virginity in haraam way before marriage ..

  5. I was going to give advice that I thought would help. But really I think your too closed minded to the possibility that the woman Allah may have chosen for you may not have the background or past you would have liked. I am a revert and I may not have had the best up bringing but i would consider myself a good muslim and if Allah can forgive my past then others should also. Be more open minded I'm sure there is a beautiful loving devoted woman out there looking for you also.

  6. Wooooah bro! Not all girls r "touched" i think ur obsessing seriously! Allah has made a person for wveryone and when ur time is right Allah SWT will guide her ur way! There are so many decent girls outthere, wether back home or here some ppl have a past.. It helpsto do bkground checks prior to giving tge go ahead, my bro wanted some1 from back home czgirls here are "social" the girl frm back home we foundou was married..! Sly lol
    No seriusly.. Do ur math not evry1 rides same boat. INSHAALLAH ul get the girl of ur dreams go in with clean mind.

    • @Aisha you are right, I strongly agree

    • That's the problem who can you trust? How do you do background checks? Especially some one from back home. By the way, I heard things are pretty bad in muslim countries too now. Many people engage in premarital relationships. Does anyone know around what percentage of people do?

      • This world is a test.. Ur not getting a partner yet as Allah SWT had the best in mind for you.. How do u know u dont fall in love with a divorcee whos personality attracts u? U will get what Allah thinks worthy of u n beneficial for u.. Allah SWT knows best, good things come to those who wait with patience.. Have faith.

  7. Assalam alaikum brother,

    I am sorry to hear how you feel--but the good news is that the way you feel isn't reality.

    You say you have close friends who are both boys and girls who have been in relationships. First off, you shouldn't have close friends that are girls--which makes me wonder if the crowd of people you are involved in might not be for you. Please consider the environment you are in, because it is not normal, even in the USA, or Canada or UK or any other Muslim atmosphere to openly have bfs and gfs. YES, there are opportunities, but not any more or less than any other Islamic country.

    I would say, try to get involved with your Muslim community more and hopefully from there, opportunities will arise. Maybe even some closer neigboring cities.

    I have read a few times that people suggest a girl from back home--I never really understood this. Suppose a person marries a girl from back home, then has his own daughter...isn't it offensive to suggest that she is immediately no good because she was raised in the West? I don't think there any guarantees if this is the solution.

    Honestly, brother, when you talked about looks--I had to smile. Some mothers make their daughters dress to NOT be attractive, YET when you see those girls in a female only environment, they look amazing.

    I know you feel negative, but don't give up hope and don't turn to sin. This life is a challenge for everyone. None of us are perfect in looks, personality, wealth and so on--perhaps you have high standards, but some of them might not be practical. I don't think you should lower your standard, but when you have a very negative attitude, it will be difficult to find the right match--and just because you like someone, she might not feel the same about you. This really is a two-way street, so please have an open mind, be positive, make lots of du'a and May Allah give you the perfect wife for you, Ameen!

    • How do I make my attitude posiive?

      • You make your attitiude postive brother by knowing that Allah answers all dua's.

        Inshallah I hope Allah will give you a rightous virgin like you are looking for. But even if it doesn't happen . Don't worry, life is temporary and nothing good or bad last forever here.

        So even if you don't get a good wife here, you can get the pure virgins of jannah which is the real reward and eternal happiness.

        And if you get a good wife, Mashallah its only a snack till you reach the best in jannah. ( which could be her made into a virgin again and more beautiful.)

        Bro, I was in the same situation like you, just hopeless but now i been married for 4 years now and got used to married life and mostly satisfied and sometimes disappointed but i don't give up on life because I know this life is just bullshit always, the only happiness I will truly enjoy as much as I can is in jannah.

        So be positive by having hope to reach Jannah and get the Virgins of Jannah inshallah.

        • I think brother MUHIB has answered the best and very fair answer, and it should be able to solve your problem Insha'Allah. In summary of his comment, I understood that you should make your attitude positive by learning to be in the middle of all situations, where you could be able to accommodate hardship and ease, where you could be able to accommodate people with perfection and people with less perfection, where you could be able to accommodate the will of Allah, be it good or bad.

          This is the way the prophet (s.a.w.s) lived his life. Despite the fact that he was/and still the best perfect and complete man in life, he stood in the middle where he was able to accommodate all types of people (in addition to all types of women) with different backgrounds in his Heart, home, and in Islam, until Allah said to him:

          "In fact, you will have a reward that will never end. And (this is because) you are of a great moral character. (Quran 68: 2-3)

          If you continue to live your life a better one and continue to follow the footsteps of the Prophet (s.a.w.s), believe me no one will ever regret living with you or having you in their life. Especially the women, regardless of what history they have had in the past, and regardless of what relationship they have had in the past, if you are good and can manage their mind carefully, you will win their heart completely. And also, should they be the most perfect pious beautiful virgin Muslimahs (like the ones you wish for), if you can't treat their mind well, you will lose their heart forever. This is why any woman who ever got the chance to marry the prophet (s.a.w.s), never will think about any other man around or any other man from the past. A woman in such situation would be thinking that you are the best she could ever have in her, and she will honor you well.

          Through my experience with my beloved wife whom I always adore and love so much, I understood that: "Just as women can be emotional, women can be forgetful, and a woman who is loved well by her husband, will forget everything else"

          Allah Ta'Alaa says:

          "You have an excellent example in the (life of the) Messenger of God; for anyone who seeks God and the Last Day, and remembers God frequently." (Quran 33: 21).

          You are just insecure, that's the fact. And the key to solving the problem is within you-so examine yourelf brother.

          I think you really need much time to be with yourself for now, and to analyze your situation before you take any steps. So this would be my last comment Insha'Allah.

          May Allah guide you take the best decision.

          • A woman in such situation would be thinking that you are the best she could ever have in her "life", and she will honor you well.

          • To expand a bit on the idea of positivity; the only happiness we can successfully seek in this life is spiritual happiness. Indeed we have earthly desires, but seek the Pleasure of Allah, and let Him take care of our worries and our desires. Have faith in the Limitlessness of Allah's Mercy and Knowledge of His creation. He will give you what you truly want, and then He will give you more than you could have ever imagined, both in this life and the next.

            Also, this is a message more for my sisters than the brothers (I am sure it is a topic interesting to many eyes). Allah has made blessings in women, that only He fully knows. That is something for all Muslim women regardless of age or situation to be happy and grateful for. Our Beloved Rasul s.a.w.s. truly loved and enjoyed women and their differences because he was blessed with knowledge of many of the secrets of life. All women desiring marriage should proudly seek marriage, with full confidence that Allah has placed precious gifts in your hearts, minds and bodies, to be discovered by your future husband. You can be a virgin, a mature woman, humble or vivacious, But- It is the Deen that will rank you among the best of women, and will make you irresistible to the best of men.

      • Allah says in the Quran Surah Teen (95) "We have certainly created man in the best of stature. Then we return him to the lowest of low, except for those who BELIEVE and do righteous deeds, for they will have a reward uninterrupted. So what yet causes you to deny the Recompense? Is not Allah the MOST JUST of judges?"

        In the eyes of Allah, the ones who do righteous deeds will have a reward uninterrupted, and btw, Allah is the best of judges, I hope that you acknowledge that.

        Reading some of your comments and othe comments on here about let the zaani marry the zaani's is frankly sickening. Are people supposed to now go around wear labels "chaste virgin" or "chaste divorcee" or "chaste widow" or "unchaste nonvirgin" or "unchaste virgin" (yeah those exist too)--maybe you can develop a questioner for your future wife, along with a lie detector test, or better yet, get the FBI to do your matchmaking for you--Simply, everyone has to accept that fact that they don't know the unseen and we are here to DO AND TRY OUR BEST! And as for men being terroritial--first off, women are not property. Secondly, if all men were that territorial, they wouldn't leave the women they had fun with (as you put it)--they'd stay with them and "keep their property." You can't have it both ways.

        As humans (because that is what we are!) we can ask and interview the person we will marry as much as we like, but at the end of the day, what hasn't happened in front of us, will remain unseen to us. You don't have to like it, but that is what it is.

        The problem with your thinking goes beyond any girl having a past--it seems you would sincerely have a nervous breakdown if you found out that your wife even had someone in her thoughts before she even met you. You can't stand competition, maybe cos you can't compete? I don't know. But it isn't normal--it is cultural cultural cultural. If you want to be Islamic, then YES, follow the way of the Prophet (pbuh) rather than make excuses that that bar is too high for you to cross. Having an ego, btw, isn't normal--except if you use certain cultures to make that statement. And judging from your statements, it isn't difficult to guess what culture you are from.

        It is extremely sad that you wrote what you did about the sisters, mothers, daughters of Islam. I can't beleive any man would want to hear that. Then after people are telling you to marry a girl from back home--WHY? So you can marry her, then have a daughter with her in the US only to have her reputation dragged through the mud because of the land she was born on, but her actions having no bearing on the matter? Talk about painting everyone with the same brush. I can't believe how easily we write people off and assassinate their character.

        Islam is a way of life. Islam is the solution for human kind. That means, we don't categorize people when we DON'T have knowledge of the unseen. Allah is the BEST judge. No wonder some Muslims fall off the deep end when they feel that after they have sinned, all is hopeless and over--why would anyone want to try after that? BUT thankfully, Allah is the ONE and ONLY who can see everything and is the Judge for our deeds on the Day of Judgement. We have a Day of Judgement, as I am sure you know, because this world does not always have justice served in it--so please be practical, live where your feet touch the ground, not where you think you can fly.

        I don't know what is so great about Ferraris--but I do know that women like a strong personality in a man who has an Islamic character, gentle, kind, and fair. If you can't find those girls or you think you are far better looking than them--I don't think you are ready for marriage. You have a LOT of growing up to do. You are very judgemental probably because the crowd of people you are with is engaging in the relationships you mentioned. The thing I don't get it is, HOW does anyone know that the guy/girl they are interested in is or isn't a virgin? If you are going based on gossip--that in itself is HARAM.

        You mentioned in one of your posts that you read about marriages breaking up after the husband found out his wife wasn't a virgin? How would he know that? Virgins might not bleed if their hymen was broken (intercourse not being the cause). So you could potentially marry a virgin who doesn't bleed and then sabotage a perfectly wonderful marriage because of your immature and insecure thinking. OR let's say you marry someone who isn't a virgin, but still bleeds on the first night and you live happily ever after never knowing the truth because you don't know the unseen. I mean, how are going to know? You can't. And if based on that, you are going to either committ suicide or take a girlfriend, I think you have to seriously question your motive for remaining chaste. If you sincerely fear Allah, brother, then FEAR ALLAH. You have NO right to say what you have about women, one of Allah's creations. Please be careful. And again, how would you feel about someone saying these things about your daughter one day, or your sister or any girl in your family for that matter? Those words, make me doubt, in a way that a fellow Muslim brother could have such a low opinion of his fellow sisters. Very sad.

        On the authority of Abu Saeed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah say, “Whoever of you sees an evil must then change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then [he must change it ] with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so, then [he must change it] with his heart. And that is the slightest [effect of] faith.” (Recorded in Muslim)--so what have you done to change the evil that you are reporting here? Did you stop your fellow male friends who used women? Did you tell the "female friends" that they were being used? Did you feel bad in your heart? From your words, it seems you feel superior rather than sorry for what you have seen. Sorry to be so judgemental, but I just feel incredibly sad to read that a fellow Muslim Brother put his sisters down, rather than elevate us in a public forum. It is one thing to share a personal problem, but another to slander all Muslim women.

        Also, if you want to kill yourself because someone else sinned, you are abstaining from sin for the WRONG reasons. We pray to Allah, we worship Allah, we seek Allah's pleasure. That is why we remain chaste--not so we can feel superior to others (Shaitaan's trap). What is the reason you are remaining chaste? You said you are thinking of getting a girlfriend because why? Because someone else sinned? Do good and prevent evil for Allah's pleasure--FIRST--before you think of anything else. Otherwise, you might be doing the right things, but for the wrong reasons, and surely Allah knows our intentions and our intentions will be used either for ur or against us on the Day of Judgement.

        Remember: Allah says in the Qur'an:

        "O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah, verily, Allah is The One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful" (Qur'an 49: 12) A lot of what you are saying is just pure suspicion without any solid evidence.

        Funny (ironic really!) how lowly you think of women, but you give women so much importance that they would be reason for you to decide to disobey Allah. Are you giving them more importance than Allah swt? Watch those thoughts and watch how shaitaan is playing games with your mind.

        I sincerely hope you take time to sit and pray to Allah. Watch your thoughts. Ask Allah for guidance. Ask Allah to help your heart and soul. Ask Allah to prevent you from having negative thoughts. You have recieved some wonderful advice.--it isn't a shame when we miss what we do not see, it is a shame when we ignore what is clearly right in front of us.

        Remember, at the end of the day, we might be lucky to have our good deeds outweigh our sins, but it is by the MERCY of Allah that we will attain Jannah. Oh Allah, please forgive us and grant us Jannat-ul-Firdous. I pray that Allah guide me, guide you, guide us all, to not worry about trivial matters, and to put our trust in Allah for important matters after we have attempted our best. Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

        • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

          I am not the OP and I have criticized him for a comment of his.

          Your advise seems good. But I don't get whats wrong with marrying a girl from overseas. Generally they are raised in extremely conservative culture which is good.

          What on earth does this paragraph mean?

          "It is extremely sad that you wrote what you did about the sisters, mothers, daughters of Islam. I can't beleive any man would want to hear that. Then after people are telling you to marry a girl from back home--WHY? So you can marry her, then have a daughter with her in the US only to have her reputation dragged through the mud because of the land she was born on, but her actions having no bearing on the matter? Talk about painting everyone with the same brush. I can't believe how easily we write people off and assassinate their character."

          • Wa alaikum assalam wa rehmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

            There is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying a girl from back home, but I do not agree on the reasoning when it involves slandering girls who live in the West (which is why a lot of times this decision is taken). In the West, Muslims are doing their best to build Islamic schools, create an environment to allow children to be exposed to an Islamic community. If some people are not involved in that, it doesn't mean that others are not. It isn't always very easy and often there is a LOT of discrimination that communities can face depending where they are--it is a constant struggle.

            I don't want to debate about East vs. West because it is mind-boggling to me to claim the East is better while so many are ready to flock to the West.

            I know of a woman who always talks badly about the girls in the West and says they will never marry their nephews to girls in the west. After listening to this woman carry on, I asked her who does she expect to marry her daughters to as they are being raised in the west???? I hope you see my point! It is a flawed argument. Men who marry their definition of "chaste" girls from back home and then raise their daughters in the West have to realize that chastity isn't linked to where you were born.

            Finally, the community I live in is in the West, yet, when I visit my home country, I find there is more free-mixing of genders between cousins than there is here in my community between non-relatives. I saw a lot of warning signs and I come from a very religious family! So, I dont agree with the conservative families being "better" or for that matter "worse." The differences I find between girls living in the east and west are cultural rather than religious. I also find that the younger generation is just better at fooling their parents back home because their parents have no idea what text messages, fb accounts etc. are all about.

            I guess it comes down to intention. Two people can an identical good deed, but if one does it to please Allah and the other does it to please the people, the deed is no longer the same in the eyes of Allah.

            Finally, the point about this brother saying that no good Muslimah's exist is horrible because Allah says in the Quran 24:4

            "And those who accuse chaste women and then do not produce four witnesses - lash them with eighty lashes and do not accept from them testimony ever after. And those are the defiantly disobedient,"

            Here is this brother saying this about not just one girl, but all Muslimahs! I find that the attitude of this brother is of superiority, but ironically he is very very insecure. I wouldn't suggest that he is ready for marriage. I sincerely believe this brother should step into the Muslim community and spend a lot of time working and helping others and of course seeking guidance from Allah. Attitude can make or break a person.


          • Look, even I couldn't possibly stand the thought of marrying a woman with a past(even if she only kissed another man!!!). If I found out I would immediately divorce her. So that's not a problem with this brother.

            But I agree with you sister, with all of what you said and that the attitude is the problem.

            Akhi, you really need to get over your arrogance and boasting. It does not befit a Muslim to speak the way you have on this thread.

          • Assalam alaikum Brother Mahmud,

            Maybe I am wrong, but do you have any Islamic grounds/basis for saying you divorce a woman for something you found out after (like even if it were 10 years and you had 3 children???)

            I understand why a virgin man would want to marry a virgin girl. I, even understand why a virgin girl would want to marry a virgin man. This isn't something that is only feelings a man would have--just in case some of you think so.

            If a girl posted here saying she "found out" that her husband wasn't a virgin and her husband lied to her after a peaceful marriage of many years, would you advise her to divorce? OR would you advise a brother to divorce his wife if he "found out" the same (and in your saying even a kiss is enough grounds as I read it)? I still dont know what "found out" means when we dont have knowledge of the unseen.

            If there is no Islamic basis for this (and I am not sure) and divorce is the most disliked haram thing--then we should be careful about publicly displaying an opinion which is purely based on feelings and not what Islam says.

            I remember a lot of things I said some years ago that I would or wouldn't tolerate. I find that as time goes on, we can be tested--so we should be careful about what we would definitely do or definitely wouldn't do. We should be extremely grateful to Allah for the protection we get from Him, for the sins we do not commit and for the courage/strength to avoid haram, for the good opportunities that we get to do good deeds, for each and everything we can see and all that we can't.

          • wa alaykumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

            Yes, even if I had kids with the woman and a good marriage, I would divorce. I think your talking about "unIslamic" feelings is unsound. It's only natural, and even more natural for men(which is why the girls virginity is prized all around the world) to hate the idea of being cuckolded or marrying a woman who has been with other men and then settled.

            Islamically, it is recommended to marry a virgin. If for some reason I found out(and I don't know where you are going with this unseen business because obviously when I mention that I am saying there must be some reason I found out years later, may Allah never let this happen to me) then I obviously would divorce her for a virgin.

            I'm certainly not the only man with this opinion. Men are far more strict about this than women are.

            As for what I would advise other brothers and sisters, I don't really know-the decision is really up to them.

            But I would divorce straight away. I would be so utterly enraged that I couldn't stay with such a woman.

            Furthermore, obviously there would be a method where I found out as I do not know the unseen.

            In any case, it's about a man's self respect. I'm not going to have some woman disgracing me. I'd divorce her and find a virgin Muslimah who didn't do something in the past.

            Divorced parents can be just as good or even better than married parents.

        • Ameen.

          Well said.

          • We should not try to measure our sins and think whose sins are bigger/smaller. We shouldn't think "Oh I didn't do that sin, I am better than so and so" - Allah knows our intentions and he knows our thoughts--what is our purpose in this world should be the main reason which propels us forward everyday into doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong.

            Allah would not have had mercy for us, if he knew that we absolutely could be perfect--Mercy exists because ___________ <- - - finish the sentence as you like....

            May Allah forgive us.

          • What arrogance are you talking about bro mahmud. I am not being arrogant i am stating facts it is easy to get the same muslim women and dump them like most guys do let alone non muslim women. Since their past guys don't marry them, and when their parents pretend to do it the islamic way they put a million requirements as if their daughter is something never been touched before and is very precious. Now only a fool would take all this crap and go ask their wali for their hand. On the other hand you can get as many women you want the haram way. All men like variety and 4 wives are halal. By the way these so called muslimahs never forget their exes either despite being tricked they always have a soft corner for the players that use and dump them for pious men like us. Another fact is that they all become repentant muslimahs after break ups as if they are fooling the almighty nauzubillah. Even non muslim women don't feel like being in a relationship after a break up.

          • @hopeless brother : from your comments it seems that chaste you may be, pious you are not.I pray with all my heart that Allah give you self awareness enough, that 10 years down the road, you may come back on this site, (hopefully happily married and with kids), read your own comments and say to yourself, 'Man,did I really deserve a good Muslimah with an attitude like that?'

          • Men are not far more strict than women are when it comes to accepting/rejecting a non-virgin who has had premarital relationships (if that is what you meant). It is just that women often do not have a lot of choices and are told they should just keep quiet and be grateful they have a roof over there head--especially in certain parts of the world.

            My point with the feelings was that the OP has read up on forums about failed Islamic marriages and I don't think "feelings" this way and that will help--he needs some solid Islamic justification. Just my thoughts.

            I don't think it is bad to share a person's feelings, but if it leads to the possibility of breaking up a family potentially, I would probably not share it--or if I didn't think my decision for me was a good decision for someone else.

          • HopeFULLbrother,

            Assalam alaikum,

            You have two choices. Trust in Allah or trust shaitaan. Right now, shaitaan is messing with your mind. he is using your chastity to make you believe that there are no good Muslimahs or that they are not good enough for you--or that you are no fool. he is building your ego that you will surely drown in it sooner or later.

            You wrote:

            Now only a fool would take all this crap and go ask their wali for their hand. On the other hand you can get as many women you want the haram way. All men like variety and 4 wives are halal.

            Whatever rules Allah has set for us in this world are the best, whether we understand them or not. Allah's existence, our death, the Day of Judgement, are all things that do not change based on our "feelings." If a wali is needed for a girl, then a wali is needed--do not make a mockery of Allah's rules and say that you can get as many women as you want.

            Allah created men and women differently and do not blame women (or for that matter men) for how their nature was created. If you want to marry 4 women--then go ahead and do that--if that is what makes you happy.

            Essentially. your decision comes down to faith. Have faith in Allah. Have faith that all will turn out. Have faith that this world is merely a test and you will be rewarded for your sincere efforts beyond your imagination as Allah does not lie to us.

            May Allah ease your difficulties and reward you for your sincere efforts and guide you .


          • First of all I understand your pain as a western muslimah who unfairly gets generalized by under the assumption that muslimahs in the west are more promiscuous than from back home. The reality is that things are pretty messed up in muslim countries too now, I may be too pessimistic but that's what it seems like to me.

            I didn't mock the rule of asking the wali for a girls hand. Instead what I am trying to say is that it is pointless to do so nowadays since their daughters have already had boyfriends without their permission. And most parents don't do anything about it despite knowing their daughter or son is comitting a grave sin. When someone innocemt like me asks for the same girl's hand the halal way they ask a million question and get really picky. So it is foolish to go that route considering what the world has become now, but ofcourse I can't go the boyfriend route because it is haram. So it is a lose lose situation for a pious person and win win for the boyfriend because neither does he get asked any questions from the parents and he switches on to another girl once he gets tired and bored of her. In the us polygamy is illegal while having multiple gfs is legal. If you go the islamic route first of all you have to commit to these sluts and if things don't work out which 60% of the time don't. A divorcee leads to the man losing half his wealth and life long monthly alimony payments to his ex wife. Under these circumstances only an idiot would want to get married in the US. Especially if you are well off and make your wife a house wife the islamic way. I don't think anyone can counter this argument.


          • Bro Issah now you have accused me of being a munafiq. If I were one, I wouldn't be wasting my time here and doing the haram. First of all, in your post you added words to my post which I don't appreciate and is not what I meant. The purpose of this post is to find a solution of finding a chaste and pious muslimah and ensuring I don't get defrauded. I can't take a chance since I value my life and time very highly alhamdulillah. I tried to state the facts and explain the current situation of our ummah in the west which is very bleak. I can't do it the haram (risk free) way since I fear Allah (but it is very tempting) and I can't marry the islamic way for all the reasons I mentioned above. If i knew the solution I wouldn't have even made this post. To me there seems to be no solution. If anyone can provide me one I would really appreciate it.

        • Sister Saba, remember?

          "Be tolerant, and command decency, and avoid the ignorant." (Quran 7: 199)

          • Salaam Sister Saba, again do you remember???

            "He has revealed to you in the Book that when you hear God’s revelations being rejected, or ridiculed, do not sit with them until they engage in some other subject. Otherwise, you would be like them. God will gather the hypocrites and the disbelievers, into Hell, altogether.
            " Quran 4: 140)

          • There are two ways that the enemies of Islam use in fighting the Islamic good way of life:

            1-The direct way, which is without hiding their real colors.

            2-The indirect way, which is by hiding their real colors (hypocrites/acting like true innocents).

            After gathering all the comments and analyzing them word by word, in addition to the smartest gradual changings and the holding backs in them, and plus other things all together, the point has become very clear to me, and the message has been delivered. I can't even mention the deepest things I have understood, fear of getting misunderstood. However, everything is there for good analysts to confirm. But here are some of what he said:

            The OP said:

            "I didn't mock the rule of asking the wali for a girl's hand. Instead what I am trying to say is that it (the Islamic way of life) is pointless to do so nowadays since their daughters have already had boyfriends without their permission"

            And one of his smartest statements is:

            "So it is foolish to go that (Shari'a) route considering what the world has become now (so no more Shari'a), but of course I can't go the boyfriend route because it is haram (smart)."

            And the smartest ever is:

            "In the U.S polygamy is illegal while having multiple gfs is legal. If you go the Islamic route first of all you have to commit to these "sluts" and if things don't work out which 60% of the time don't. A divorcee leads to the man losing half his wealth and lifelong monthly alimony payments to his ex-wife. Under these circumstances only an idiot would want to get married in the US. Especially if you are well off and make your wife a house wife the Islamic way. I don't think anyone can counter this argument."

            In some of his comments, he seems to agree that he won't go for the haram, but the question he has not yet answered is: "then what is the purpose of his post?"

            The Almighty Allah's response to the OP:

            "They want to extinguish God’s light with their mouths (words), but God refuses except to complete His light, even though the disbelievers dislike it."
            (Quran 9: 32)

            And say, “The truth has come, and falsehood has withered away; for falsehood is bound to wither away.”
            (Quran 17: 81).

          • Br. Issah,

            Assalam alaikum,

            JazakAllah. I sincerely appreciate all the reminders.

        • Wa Alaikum Salaam Sister Saba, you and others have tried your best to help for the sake of Allah, Mash’Allah, and your rewards fall only on Allah.

          Also as you said:

          It isn't a shame when we miss what we do not see; it is a shame when we ignore what is clearly right in front of us.

          You don’t need to respond to this. Ma’AsSalaam!

        • Mash'Allah to Sister Saba. You said so many true things. What Muslim women suffer with in the communities is no better than how non-Muslim women are treated and sometimes worse in uneducated areas/countries. The basic problem is the way SOME men treat women as disposable or useful only to fit a need in their life such as virgin, breeder, temporary fun. Instead of seeing her as a human being.

          In the comments is already the awareness that the poster's attitude and lifestyle is probably at ODDS with what pious women would look for. They would run away after seeing the lifestyle, the fast car, the almost fantasy expectations whereas the bad women will flock to the "handsome", tall guy with fast car. Pious women might find the poster a little superficial as well as they look for someone with a good heart who will treat them kindly.

          Lots of pious men and women are marrying and happy. We only hear the problem situations on this (wonderful) site. I advise the poster to take the advice of the comments and become aware that his "image" is opposite to the type of Muslimah he desires.

  8. past belongs to Allah swt ...

  9. Can I tell you something? Many muslim girls feel the same way about muslim men. We obey our parents, don't date, stay chaste, while our male counterparts freely talk and socialize with the opposite sex and have girlfriends.

    In my experience, there are far more chaste muslim women than chaste muslim men. When I was 37, I talked to an Egyptian man on the phone for marriage purposes. He was fairly religious and I met him on an Islamic website. He had been married to a Hispanic American woman and married her because he felt guilty about "all the haram they were doing". After divorce he became more virtuous as he had learned his lesson, so I let it pass. Then, when I told him I had never dated or had a boyfriend, he was shocked to learn that I had never had a boyfriend all these years and basically made me feel like a freak for not having my needs fulfilled -- even though he clearly had had a dysfunctional marriage and his child was now moving back and forth between two divorced parents, one muslim, one non-muslim. I never spoke to him again.

    I also have noted that a lot of hijab-wearing women may be a little more "simpler" on the outside - i.e. they don't wear full-fledged make-up and obviously their hair is not coiffed. Of course, they are beautiful and frankly the hijab really emphasizes their clear skin and eyes, and inner beauty. But, I am reading a sub-text in your post, and that is that a religious hijab-wearing girl is not enough. You want everything -- "looks, family, education, culture", and you don't want to get married late in life, and you want you want you want you want.

    You can't have everything. That is life. I am in my 40s and I have managed to stay chaste --therefore so can you. Find a nice hijab-wearing girl, and marry her. It is also possible that your immediate social circle consists of men and women who like to fool around - and those are the types of muslims you are exposed to. I could be wrong about this, of course, and perhaps the main problem is no one is meeting your checklist.

    • Sister Precious Star,

      Masha Allah, great advice. May Allah bless you and protect you ameen.

    • Totally agree with Precious Star. I can speak from both experience and observation that there are many "Muslim" guys/men who are going around doing all the haram things but then they turn around and put lots of expectations on the girls/women. Not only that, some of them carry on with harams even after marrying the good Muslimah. It is very discouraging and something that Muslim women have been dealing with for too long. So I think the women have much more to complain than the men.

      For my age, and especially as I was not born Muslim, I led a very clean lifestyle and look very young for my age. I had a lot of men chasing me throughout my life and even now I can see that guys even 10-20 years younger than me are leading dirty lives (or have much baggage already) which does not match me. I met a wonderful guy younger than me & we corresponded for 1.5 years but his culture/society got the best of him due to age difference even though he really wants to marry me and vice versa. Only Allah knows if we will reunite or someone else comes for me. Sorry telling my personal story but really, some of us Muslimahs will not have much sympathy for people like the poster as we deal with worse problems than you have - such as insane prejudices of cultures that break our hearts and "Muslim" men who use us for time passing or fun.

      I do know many good, decent Muslim men. They are real guys, hard working, respectful, and also chaste in lifestyle. But they are different from the poster in that they see woman as people like themselves - not so much as a trophy wife. Problem is if you DO get a rich, beautiful, chaste Muslimah there is a good chance she may be as arrogant or superficial as some comments suggested you might be. May Allah grant us all spouses who soothe our hearts.

  10. AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother

    First of all congratulation (Masha'Allah) for being able to reach this level in Imaan, and I can really assure you that if you try just another step you could reach the level of Ihsaan Insha'Allah. We always hear Ihsaan, and we think it's really hard to reach it, but it really takes little efforts in oneself or little sacrifices to reach it. I pray to Allah that He guide you to continue to pass all the tests on your way to Ihsaan, Ameen! Ameen! Ameen!.

    There is a story I believe to be true in reality, it's very similar to yours and it's a very long story, but I would try to make it in a way to deliver the message in it whiteout going into details Insha'Allah. Who knows you might catch up some lessons, Insha'Allah.

    There were three pure brothers, they encountered a lot of temptations since their early adult life till their late twenties (just as you did), but with the help of The Almighty Allah, two of them were able to overcome those temptations and they were guided-Alhamdulillah.

    There was one particular thing that really helped those two brothers, which was about understanding the purposes and results of living a kind of pure life in which they were living. Previously they thought that living your life as unadulterated person means that your future life partner must also have the same background history. And then when it appeared to be hard for them in finding such a life partner, Shaitaan started tempting them and whispering into their brains and hearts, which made them started thinking and questioning about many many things, and even about themselves and their religion. They also thought justice and fairness were not considered in their case. They started getting weak little by little in their Imaan, and finally they wanted to be like other misguided people. They wanted to swim in the world and in its beautiful pools, but not so long did they realize they were at the wrong pool- and it was the sea of deviation.

    Two among the three brothers got scared and did not go into the sea, but the other one enjoyed putting one of his legs inside the sea, and then the other leg gradually until (one day) when both legs got used to the water, he dived himself into the water, and unluckily he dwelled in that sea of deviation. However, he got saved by some experts and he is still being treated due to the many effect on him from the sea, and he is recovering little by little with the help of Almighty Allah. Though up till now he never stopped cursing himself for what he did to himself (he lost his pureness with a very very loooooow cost).

    As for the other two brothers:

    1-They asked themselves: why should we live our whole lives successfully over the past 2o years with pure background history, and then just mess up everything today in just 20 seconds?

    2-They realized they were not keeping themselves pure for the sake of their future life partners but for the sake of Allah alone.

    2-They realized that they have to do things wholeheartedly for the sake of obeying Allah's commands to gain His love and pleases, and not for the sake of seeing themselves as better than others.

    3-They saw the need to save others who wanted to be guided, and in doing so they didn't mind ending up with a repented Muslimah in marriage.

    4-They started learning much about Islam and practicing it well for their own selves and also for the purpose of being able to educate others or their future life partners for the sake of Allah (And they did well Masha'Allah).

    5-They kept on praying night prayers (Nawaafil/Tahajjud) a lot plus fasting on Mondays and Thursdays (in addition to their regular daily prayers and fasting in Ramadan-And Alhamdulillah they were even able to make it to Hajj and Umrah).

    6-They asked Allah to bless them with (a wife) what is best for them in this world and in the hereafter (be it a virgin Muslimah or a repented Muslimah or any woman in need of Islamic guidance). Allah heard them and many choices and opportunities were made available to them, there were many women with different backgrounds. One of the two brothers chose to marry the virgin Muslimah who was in need of more help in some way, and the other brother also decided to marry the repented Muslimah who was also in need of more help in another way (Both brothers testified that they really made the best choices and that, that was really what Allah has decreed for them long ago before they were born, and they still live with their wives and love each other for the sake of Allah- and Alhamdulillah for any situation He may put us in).

    Now the question here is, those brothers actually married two women out of those many women that were made available to them, and there are still other women like them left unmarried, whom are also in need of more help, if we didn't make our intention good and marry them for the sake of Allah (and not for the sake of our own priorities or selfishness), who will marry them? If we make it sound like if she is not a virgin, we won't marry her after knowing she has repented or she wants to repent to Allah, what do we expect her to do? Let her lose hope and maybe even end up going back astray? Why don't we be strong in Allah, and then take them as they are, and then help them improve while we await Allah's blessings and mercy in them, plus His rewards for us?

    Just have a look at our beloved Prophet (The leader of all pure men), his first wife (r.a) was married twice before him (and she was 40 while he was 25- Just around your age), and so was all his wives with the exception of our beloved mother Aisha (the leader of all pure women), not only him (s.a.w.s) alone but his companions as well.

    When the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and his companions (r.a) emigrated from Mecca to Medinah, some women (whom some of them were engaged in prostitutions before, and some of them were already married to the unbelievers around mecca at that time) later on also emigrated (to medinah) after they saw the light of Islam, and some of the companions tried unaccommodating them, but Allah descended an Ayah warning them not to do so, instead they should test them in some way to find out whether they were really truthful about Islam, and were not just spyes on Muslims, and then when it turned out to be that their intentions were good, the Muslims may marry them if they wish so. So they married those women.

    They who are better than you and me married such women, whiteout thinking about what men did to them during prostitution or while they were with their unbelievers ex-husbands, what about us who want to reach their rank, won't we sacrifice our pureness to gain Ihsaan brother???

    Allah Ta'Alaa says:

    10. O you who believe! When believing women come to you emigrating (to medinah), test them. God is Aware of their faith. And if you find them to be faithful, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for them, nor are they lawful for them. But give them (the unbelievers) what they have spent. You are not at fault if you marry them, provided you give them their compensation. And do not hold on to ties with unbelieving women (among your wives who left you and Islam to marry the unbelievers), but demand what you have spent (from the unbelievers), and let them demand what they have spent. This is the rule of God; He rules among you. God is Knowing and Wise.

    11. If any of your wives desert you to the unbelievers, and you decide to penalize them, give those whose wives have gone away the equivalent of what they had spent. And fear God, in whom you are believers.

    12. O prophet! If believing women come to you, pledging allegiance to you, on condition that they will not associate anything with God, nor steal, nor commit adultery, nor kill their children, nor commit perjury as to parenthood, nor disobey you in anything righteous, accept their allegiance and ask God’s forgiveness for them. God is Forgiving and Merciful. (Quran 60: 10 – 12)

    (And to our Sisters who might be reading this, please bear in mind that all what I have said above is actually a vice versa thing, as I believe there are many pure Muslimahs out there too, who are disliking to be married to repented muslim brothers who have had bad history)

    May Allah help you brother to make your intention for the sake of Allah, or perhaps your intention is already for the sake of Allah, but there is something you would want to know about doing things for the sake of Allah, especially the purposes and results, and Insha'Allah Allah will help you understand. May Allah help you and us all reach Ihsaan with just the little sacrifices we make for His sake.

    Ya Allah, Yaa Allah, Yaa Allah, have mercy on our beloved dear brother and help him through his situation, for we indeed love him for your sake, and we seek the best for him from You, Yaa Allah!!!

  11. The Prophet Muhammad married women with "pasts" did He not? Some were widows were they not? Did He obsess about their pasts? Did He obsess about the fact that obviously a widow was touched/seen in the past by another man? Did he hold these women's past experiences against them? He certainly didn't require that each and every one of his wives be virgins now did He? And He WAS A PROPHET!!! I'd dare to say He was a lot less picky choosy about the pasts of his wives and looked more into what was in their hearts when deciding upon marriage. Yet, here on this blog of late we have mere mortal/non prophet men putting more emphasis on virginity and pasts of women, and less emphasis on the deen of these women. This is NOT the example given to Muslims by the Prophet(PBUH). IMHO

    • Isnt having a clean past a sign of the devotion to their deen? As I mentioned before no man on earth likes to marry a woman who has been with many men whether in the past or present. A normal man is weak and has honor and ego issues, it is very difficult to get to the prophet's level.

      • Isnt having a clean past a sign of the devotion to their deen?

        My brother, having a clean past isn't the only sign of devotion to the Deen, but a sincere Tawbat is also a sigh of devotion. And a Muslim/Muslimah with a clean past has no superiority over a tawbat Muslim/Muslimah, nor does a tawbat Muslim/Muslimah have any superiority over a Muslim/Muslimah with a clean past except by virtue of piety (Taqwa). The Almighty Allah says:…" The best among you in the sight of God is the most righteous. God is All-Knowing, Well-Experienced. (Quran 49:13) And the love of Allah for both is the same. Allah says:… "God loves the repentant, and He loves those who keep clean.” (Quran 2: 222). And the Prophet (s.a.w.s) said: "A person repenting from a sin is NOT different than the person who never committed any sin". And he (s.a.w.s) said again: "The Tawbat (repentance) wipes away any past sin"

        If you really want to understand this concept well, just look at the Sahaabahs (r.a) and their past before Islam, most of them had the worst past that can't even be compared to Zina, but yet Allah forgave them and they became the best of all Muslims till now, and some of them even become leaders of all Muslims after the Prophet (s.a.w.s).

        As I mentioned before no man on earth likes to marry a woman who has been with many men whether in the past or present.

        This is not true, as the best of all men (the prophet s.a.w.s) married women who have been with many men, and so did the Shabahs, and so did many righteous men in the world-and I did the same as well Alhamdulillah.

        A normal man is weak and has honor and ego issues, it is very difficult to get to the prophet's level.

        I might be weaker than you brother, but I am really trying so hard to reach at least close to the prophet's level, so you can also try it ok, the way is very smooth and very enjoyable!

        But this will really depend on what you prefre most, the transient joys of this Dunya or the eternal joys of the Akhira?! If you choose the Dunya, you will have it alone on eaith, but if you choose the Akhira, you will have both the Dunya and the Akhira all together in this life and the next.

        "You have an excellent example in the (life of the) Messenger of God; for anyone who seeks God and the Last Day, and remembers God frequently." (Quran 33: 21).

    • You are conflating halal loss of virginity with haram loss of virginity. Please do not do so as it isn't helpful when the OP has to clarify what should have been pretty clear.

      • You are conflating halal loss of virginity with haram loss of virginity. Please do not do so as it isn't helpful when the OP has to clarify what should have been pretty clear.

        Brother Muhmud, if you really want to understand well what this brother is all about, please ask him, if he is ready to marry a widow or a divorced woman?

        In the end you should be able to understand that he is not interested in any woman who has been with a man before, regardless of whether it was a halal loss of virginity or a haram loss of virginity.

  12. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Don't let any of these comments get you down. Don't let anyone make you feel bad that you demand a virgin only Muslimah.

    SubhanAllah, I can't tell you my incredible rage if I found out that my wife had men in the past. I have the same feelings as you have minus the girlfriends part. I don't want to be some cuckold who marries some woman who had her wonderful fun with all those men in the past then settled with me because I act like a nice guy!!!!

    These posts here make me shocked and scared that there are no nice virgin Muslimahs. I've been hearing this of late, that they are hard to come across in America. SubhanAllah, that doesn't make me give up. I will definitely get a lovely, pious, chaste, virgin Muslim who hasn't touched another man and an excellent marriage too inshaa Allah.

    You are totally, 100% right to have these feelings, trust me brother, there is nothing wrong with this.
    However you are completely wrong to want zina and go with a girlfriend!!!

    Brother, do not give up! Seek help from Allah aza wa jal and find a girl who has never been with another man. Inshaa Allah you will receive that!

    • Why would you not marry a widow or a divorced woman? Are they less chaste and pure than a virgin?

      • There is nothing wrong with a widowed or divorced woman in my eyes. Even though they were with another man, it was halal and thus it does not arouse the same emotions in me. However, I am a young man of 19 years old and so divorced and widowed woman are generally older and not looking for me. Furthermore, my mother wants me to marry a young girl(probably one who has never been married before) and so a young virgin Muslimah who has never been married before is the only option for me.

        I don't think I am being "arrogant." This is a simple requirement like five daily prayers, and my requirements are not great. I don't even require great looking, wealth or lineage or anything. Plain looks is fine, I just need to know I will be able to have a healthy relationship.

        But subhanAllah, just the rage and anger and feeling of humiliation when I even think of marrying a woman who has been with previous men-it's a mental block subhanAllah.

        There are plenty of chaste Muslim girls in America and everywhere. I always assumed that the majority were but people everywhere are saying differently which is unfortunate.

        Anyways, the thread is not about me however it seems I'm the only one who can empathize with the brother here as I feel the same way. If you Muslims cannot understand this feeling, please do not call us arrogant. We are just normal Muslim brothers who can't stand the thought. This was the norm years ago, so why should we be blamed for demanding what was guarenteed to Muslim brothers and sisters years ago? A virgin spouse. SubhanAllah, I don't think that's too much to ask.

        The bolded in this paragraph is something I can totally understand(and I think this bro needs someone to understand):

        " I used to be so happy that I would marry a muslimah and love her till I die. That isn't the case now because whoever I will marry will have her ex-boyfriends in her heart and mind, who left them after having fun with them to poor guys like me who dedicate their entire lives to their wives.

        I feel like killing myself when I even think of the possibility that other men would have seen my wife naked or touched her inappropriately, let alone zina. I will feel like a fool and cuckold my entire life. Therefore, I am thinking of having a girlfriend myself now because that would give me the peace that I have never had in my life, but fear of Allah keeps me from doing that. I am extremely confused, depressed, and devastated. Marriage was the biggest wish in my life. I have desires and need for a loved one too, but I feel like I will die alone miserable and dejected. I have lost interest in everything now."

        • These posts here make me shocked and scared that there are no nice virgin Muslimahs. I've been hearing this of late, that they are hard to come across in America. SubhanAllah, that doesn't make me give up. I will definitely get a lovely, pious, chaste, virgin Muslim who hasn't touched another man and an excellent marriage too inshaa Allah.

          O my beloved young brother Mahmud, don't get scared because of those speeches you saw in this adult room ok -lol- they were actually directed to the original poster targeting a particular level. I don't think it's fair to discourage you in any way. You are a good devoted brother-Masha'Allah, and you deserve that respect. You are still young and still on your way, but the other brother has already passed your level. So we were actually talking about the same matter "but" in his own level and not in your level ok.

          And the fact that finding something was hard for someone does not mean it will be hard for you too. I know how it feels to be in your position because I know someone that has been in your shoe before, and he eventually got what he wished for. So take it easy and feel free to desire what you want, and work towards it with the help of Allah - May Allah help you brother, Ameen!

          There were three doors available for the other brother (the original poster), and then he closed the first and second door, and then (it seems like) the third door also got closed due to that and seems hard to be opened. And now he does not know what to do, so we were actually trying to help him open the other two doors that he closed, and perhaps the third door might also get opened through that, and he can then decide to walk through which door he likes. And even if the third door did not get opened, he could still be ready to walk through any of the two doors.

  13. Brother,

    There are far more pius muslimas then muslim men! This is a dilema most women face. You should'nt have a problem finding a good muslima. I think you just don't want the good muslimas. You don't find them attractive. Good chaste muslimas will dress very plain and simple as not to catch mens eye. They will be quite and shy with men.

    This is why they don't catch your eye or if they do you find them ugly or their simple islamic modest family is not good for you.

    My brother does the same it drives us mad! Whenever we find a good hijabi simple girl he says she looks like freshi or shes ugly! Whener we find a preety modern outgoing girl then oh shes everything I want but her characters bad! Aaargh! So as you guessed his still looking for miss perfect.

    The fact is you have to compromise. You cant have everything in your wish list. If you find a good girl but shes not all that preety or not ideal culture. You have to draw a line with what you can live with.

    Stop looking for "fatima" in "Tina" and stop looking for "Tina" in "Fatima". ( If you get what I mean) A truly pius muslima will look and live the part in every way. But if you don't find the plain simple muslima attractive then the problems in your perspective not the womens.

    Inshallah you'll find Miss right! : )

    • "There are far more pius muslimas then muslim men!"

      Maybe this is a good sign for me.....I also feel anxious for those pious Muslimas who are incredibly unappreciative? Where are you virgin pious Muslimahs! I appreciate you all!!! I think you are so valuable I should preserve my virginity because you deserve the very best!

      • sorry, I meant incredibly unappreciated!!!

        • Where are you virgin pious Muslimahs!

          Their right under your nose! I have seen so many pious muslimas. But the problem is the guys don't want them! because these girls are too shy, quite plain and boring. They do not know how to socialise with guys because they have never spoken to one!

          I know of a girl who has never even spoken to a non mehrem male as she is so pious. But when it came to marriage no one wants to marry her because she is not so preety and has a dark complexion and is petite. I felt really sorry for her.

          So I really don't get it when brothers complain that there are no pious muslimas! I think they are looking for a Drop dead gorgeous model under the burka who happens to be a virgin pious muslima too! (Impossible)

          • I'm ok with darker complexion and petite. Heck, I even have a bias towards petite. As long as I look at her and know I can have a healthy relationship with her I am fine. So I'm not in it for the drop dead gorgeous looks. I JUST NEED MY GIRL TO ONLY BE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

            But SubhanAllah, aunty I need to be in contact with you aunties so you can show me some of these shy virgins because I couldn't take anything else. I just couldn't stand the thought of my wife having been with other men. The OP needs to be in contact with good aunties like you! The OP needs to know this crucial bit of information as it is the best answer to his problem! Not, "get over it, you are being arrogant, it's ok to marry a woman who did zina while you remained chaste."

            Please tell fellow aunties to search out for the young men who are good in deen and character(whether or not they are doctors or engineers or of the right desi caste) and get them married to the pious virgin Muslimahs. The zani Muslims and Muslimas can go ahead and marry each other.

            And I mean aunty in an honorable sense. You guys are the butt of so many jokes unfortunately however how do Muslims get married the right way except through you?

          • Sister this is exactly the case with good islamic men. Women also find them unattractive and boring!.

          • Sorry but of course no one wants to marry her because "she is not so pretty". Muslim men have desires too, why would anyone want a girl that's not pretty. Why can't a pretty muslimah be chaste and pious too?

            "Drop dead gorgeous model under the burka who happens to be a virgin pious muslima too! (Impossible)"

            If one is pretty she doesn't have to follow Islam? This is ridiculous!

      • Salam Uncle Mahmud,

        Are you trying to insult me or cracking an unfunny joke! Just cause a women is divorced with kids doesn't classify me as your Aunty! I got married really young. I dont think im a generation older then you!

        Well neverthe less there is no point in showing arrogance with youth. Youth never lasts. Use your youth wisely!

        There are girls my age who are pious and not married yet. R u gonna call them aunty ji??? Age doesn't matter to me. If the person is nice and will treat me well and love me unconditionally then I dont care if they are 15 years older then me. Same goes if they are younger!

        There are piuos sisters over 25+ but I guess not your type since you will be calling any one a year older then you Aunty ji! Lol

        • Hahaaa lol
          You go girl thats what u call a modern young pious woman who can standup for herself and has her priorities and self respect in check. Im all on team aunty! Uncle mahmud has lost it!

        • Sumaira, I think you're oversensitive about your age. I did not get the impression that Mahmud was insulting anyone.

          Now could you make me some cookies and milk, and tell me a bedtime story Auntie?


          • Brother Wael.

            I wasn't being over sensitive. These days some of the teenagers are really ageist. They think they are superior because they are so young. They think they know it all and mock anyone a bit older then them who stay anything different.

            I was just explaining there are other brothers n sisters in the same boat who are much older. Now if they are called Aunty ji and Uncle ji then they will feel so bad that people see them as so old and they are not married yet. I was just explaining age, looks and the past are not the most important factors. Its personality and character that comes above all.

            And brother I don't know why my comments are now always awaiting moderation? I don't recall saying anything offensive in the last few days??

          • Yes, I know what you mean. I'm in my 40's and if some youngster calls me "granddad" I think I'll be quite annoyed, lol.

            I don't recall why you are on moderation. Let's give it a week or so and then I'll take you off, Insha'Allah. Remind me if I forget.


          • Assalam alaikum brother,

            I am having the same issue as sister Sumaira. My comments are all awaiting moderation as well and I don't recall anything offensive thing I said or any warning.

            Can you clarify?

        • Oh no, wallahi I thought you were some older woman who had a horrible husband and then divorced.......wallahi I meant no offense by it.

          Sorry for the misunderstanding.

          I also didn't mean any arrogance by youth or anything. Life is super short and youth is even shorter....wallahi I meant nothing but good sister!!! I just imagined in my head you were one of those countless desi women who got abused by their husbands and then divorced after like 20+ years! You are really reading way to much into it, nothing was on my mind except what was in my post!!!

          • Brother Mahmud,

            Yes I did have a horrible husband and got divorced but not after 20+ years! thankfully much less then that Alhamdullilah!

            But thats ok no offence taken. Maybe I was reading too much into it!

  14. "Do not (contemptuously) turn your face away from people, nor tread haughtily upon earth. Allah does not love the arrogant and the vainglorious." 31:18

    Brother, you need to check yourself, before you wreck yourself!!!! Seriously you sound like you'd marry yourself if you could!!.....

    • It's unfair to call people arrogant because they say "I stayed chaste, why can't I also have someone who stays chaste!?"

      That's not arrogance, it's natural human feeling and natural indignation. Please do not be so judgemental.

      • "I am in my late twenties living on the east coast of the US, fairly successful, and decent looking alhamdulillah....Although a very few real chaste sisters do exist, their looks, family, culture, and education also matter."...... seriously I couldnt be the only girl that cringed when she read that...

  15. I agree with Sister Precious Star & Sister Sumaira

    "Many muslim girls feel the same way about muslim men". I have been in same state. "We obey our parents, don't date, stay chaste, while our male counterparts freely talk and socialize with the opposite sex and have girlfriends". I had wanted to love only one man to whom i will be married. But from teenage onward, i find Muslim both girls as well as boys involved into boyfriend/girlfriend business. It was so shocking for me to experience that whatever Muslim boy/man approached me had merely wanted either to become their girlfriend or just have physical pleasure.

    even for marriage, some guy had wanted me to work after marriage but his family had wanted a home maker. A guy wanted this and that but his family especially his mother expected something different from their daughter in law. it was like a guy liked me but his family didn't. Like you expect every good thing from your future wife - "looks, family, education, culture". But as a matter of fact, you cant get everything in life. so one has to compromise in 'this' or 'that'.

    and yes, you should give up the thought of having a girlfriend, if you do so, may it bring you some sort 'peace' as you mentioned but ultimately you would end up regretting it and no doubt, you will be punished in hereafter for doing this sin inspite of knowing well that it is haram.

    you have all my praise for not committing that sin (zina) and i pray for you that you may get a good 'virgin' girl as wife.

    • Honestly!!! Go to northern iraq( Kurdistan) they have good girls all better be virgins I'm from
      There !!! Cook
      Clean cook afther husband kids!!!there all over USA Canada u name it..that's the way we were raise lol lol just sayin

  16. Assalaamualaikam

    I can empathise with your frustrations, but I think we need to be careful not to over-generalise, and not to get preoccupied with material aspects. Physical appearance changes with time and life, money and possessions come and go, and the only cultural issue that has lasting impact is "Is this person Muslim?" - Islam is more important than our culture of birth.

    It may be that you need to re-evaluate the people you socialise with - if the people you see around you are engaging in premarital relationships and sexual activities, then this group may well not be helpful in improving your own practice of Islam or in helping you to find a spouse who is practising and chaste. If this is the case, why not get more involved with your local community projects or study courses?

    Another thing to consider is that a person may lose their virginity without it having been due to haraam action on their part - divorcees, widows, reverts... If someone has conducted themselves in an Islamically appropriate manner, maybe try to keep an open mind?

    Midnightmoon editor

  17. Reading your post made me very sad.

    As a woman, I can say that we too feel the same about men. Men fool around before marriage And then expect to get married to someone who is chaste. Our mulsim brothers even take the virginity of sisters, who don't realise that this will cause them issues later on in life. Islam is such a simple beautiful religion if everyone followed it in the correct manner we wouldn't be in this predicament, if all brothers and sisters kept themselves to themselves ....but that's only a sweet dream which we will never see in this Dunya. May Allah forgive us.

    Brother, everyone makes mistakes. As a Muslim we should forgive and not seek out ones past as it could spoil what could be a good future. What you should look at is whether the person has repented and left that sin. I got married only to find out on the first day of my marriage my husband was sleeping with someone that I knew right up until the day we got married (the girl knew we were to be married). I was a virgin and he knew this and used it to his advantage to fulfil his dream of marrying a virgin but not controlling his own desires. Alhamdulillah. Even after two years I don't think I will ever get over what happened as my whole world crumbled down before my own eyes. In sha Allah I will get a better husband soon. However because of this not only am I divorced - this is my qadr - but not a virgin anymore.

    You may be thinking why am I telling you this? What's the point of it? My brother, things happen in life which are beyond our control (I'm not saying we can't control jumping in to bed with someone because we can), our desires lead us to roads which lead to darkness. Some we can control, others we cannot so try and have more of an open mind, look for a pious woman to marry and one that will increase your imaan. You may marry a virgin but find she's not pious, doesn't pray five times, is argumentative etc whereas someone who isn't a virgin may be the best woman for you and fulfils all other criteria. Please, for the sake of Allah do not spoil yourself by getting a girlfriend now, the shaitan will get the better of you eventually and you may end up doing the thing you are very clearly against. Keep yourself pure; Impure men are for Impure woman and pure men are for pure women. Have faith and trust Allah SWT.

    Wa salaam.


    • "Men fool around before marriage And then expect to get married to someone who is chaste."

      You say that as if ALL of us men do it though...

    • Dear Sister Asa:

      So sorry to hear you went through this horrible experience with such a man. This is a good example of something that happens to Muslim sisters to shatter their dreams, then taints them in the eyes of society or future husbands. It's grossly unfair. May Allah bless you with a much better husband and marriage!

      To Brother Mahmud:

      I am extremely disturbed by the many exclamations of murderous rage you have expressed over the idea of your future wife having had any experience prior to yourself. The way the universe works is that your rage will surely attract the very thing you are despising. I am also worried for the woman who marries you as you are showing a strong temper at such a young age.

  18. Oy aunty k bhanje? Trust in Allah SWT. N woah m probly younger than u! Lol
    Serious note.. Have faith n dont ask us questions kneel in sajdah and ask Allah

  19. Wow that is really unfair brother, not only to all muslim girls but to yourself too. Though looking for a chaste muslim woman is ok but getting depressed and blaming all muslim women cuz you cant find one is wrong. I know its hard for you because you have kept away from zina and expect the same from your wife but you have to remember that everything is in the hands of Allah SWT and Rasulallah SAW has said that a woman should be married for her religion primarily. We are humans and we do slip up sometimes, very few can claim to be pure, some sin in different ways but forgiveness is ultimately in the hands of Allah and He knows who is best guided. If you are only stuck on finding a virgin chaste wife than you might miss out on a pious muslimah who is close to God because she has faced hardships and learned from them.
    Its shaitan thats messing with your head to make you think bad about all women who have sinned more or less, you need to concentrate on your own nafs and think why is it truly that you deserve a chaste women, is it that you think you are better? Because there are many dimensions to a person, if you are going to give priority to something that can't be changed then you are on the wrong track. Are you going to go around asking any girl you meet whether she has had relations before?? No right? Then why bother. The present and future are more important. Though looking for a virgin wife is important its not everything, what's more important is whether she is religious and practices her religion well. Try to be among the one who deserves Allah's mercy and blessings and be more humble

  20. Salaam Hopelessbrother:

    I feel like your writing this as if your speaking my mind, I feel the same way about not being able to find a suitable partner. I think ur analyzing too much? What matters is a good muslim grl, with a gud character, and whos willing to be honest and compassionate with you. I understand its hard to accept someone with a past, but these days who doesnt have a past? We live in this day and age that everyone unfortunately has liked someone, dated and or been in a relationship. Unfortunately, its just the society we live in and western society.

    When your looking for a partner you should ask yourself does this person have a good heart, a good character?Yes there should be some physical attraction but we shudnt judge sumone based on their past cuz u nvr know they cud be a gud person later on.

    Me personally, Im divorced and 27 now. I havent found a suitable guy for a while. Most judge me based on the fact that Im divorced, or just have a past. In Islam, it doesnt say anywhere that one cant marry a divorced grl.But unfortunately, there are many guys that will not even talk to a divorcee cuz she has a past.

    Plz be more open to your options. There are gud ppl in this world, sumtimes ppl make stupid decisions and it may not be there fault, or end up in a marriage that was arnaged or done at an early age. I hope things get better for u may Allah help us all brother. Ameen

  21. If I were divorced I wouldn't have a problem marrying a divorcee because she did it the halal way. The issue is trusting someone, when it comes to rishta all girls become innocent and act like they've never even seen a man. So if you marry the Islamic way the odds of getting defrauded are very high. How do you figure out that the girl you are considering is really a good girl? On the other hand if you date someone you start figuring them out as time passes but it shows that they must have dated others too because they won't date you otherwise. Most importantly dating is haram and it is haram because it protects women from getting defrauded by men who use them for sex only. After all, all men desire sex with more than one woman. In short, good islamic men end up no where.

    • Wow u just seem so judgmental.
      The prophet (pbuh) set an example of marrying a divorcee for us to follow. No where in the Quran does it say one cannot marry a divorcee, or he had to be one himself before. I feel sorry for your thinking.
      Girls can say the same thing about a guy, how do we know a guy us really gud? But being as pessimistic and just over analyzing things doesn't help either. We shud leave important decisions like this to Allah, and if it's in our favor it will proceed. But guys aren't perfect either!
      Well you obviously want to to "get to know" them, I guess dating isn't the best way to put it but you're not gna just blindly marry someone either. I Dnt support dating either, but i do think one shud get to know a guy or grl with moderation, especially these days where marriage has become so difficult.
      You seem like u really over analyze, and are so critical of grls. If you want perfect, well sorry to break it to u that doesn't exist cuz no ones perfect. But u shud seriously reevaluate your thinking and see where you are wrong. I know grls cud be wrong, but guys aren't any better and think they are just always superior over women.

    • "So if you marry the Islamic way the odds of getting defrauded are very high. How do you figure out that the girl you are considering is really a good girl?"

      I have a question for you. How do good, chaste Muslim girls make sure they are not defrauded by men who have had relationships before marriage?

    • You wrote:

      Most importantly dating is haram and it is haram because it protects women from getting defrauded by men who use them for sex only.

      You seem to imply that it is haram only because it protects women--IT is haram because you are using your body, that Allah gave, in a haram way. That goes for the woman AND THE MAN.

      It doesn't matter who is using who--in fact, even if they are engaged to be married and end up marrying, it is still haram.

      The more you over analyze this the deeper you get into this depression and feeling of hopelessness.

      Remember, shaitaan matches our thinking/intellect. He knows how to play us. I would be worried more about being played by shaitaan than a woman.

      • I understand it is equally haram for both genders. However, I meant that in worldly context it is more harmful to women than men.
        I really liked your being played by shaitan thought.

    • Brother I want to let you know that human beings make mistakes and the girl who has made the mistake of giving her love to someone else before marriage but had sincerely repented, doesn't she deserve to get married too? Everyone wants a virgin but the reality is that some people are and others are not. Try to look at the woman's character because if she does have an ex then it is her ex and she is not required to let out a sin that Allah has concealed. Once she gets married to you, inshAllah if she is a righteous woman she will love you for as long as Allah has willed.

      I know society and some men look down at these women but they could even be our daughters in the future (May Allah protect them). They could even be our sisters because we do not know the secrets of the women in our lives. Maybe a mother at her young age have had her heart broken and used by someone who she genuinely thought she was going to get married to. Try to start fresh with someone, because you never know, maybe your wife may have doubts about you being a virgin too. May Allah protect us all from this.

      A Muslimah is a Muslimah and Allah loves us all. People change all the time, how they were in their younger years may not be how they are now. Sometimes we just have to trust in Allah and not overanalyze things. Are you attracted to her? Check. Is she pious? Check. Does she want to marry you? Check. Does she put Allah first? Check. And just leave the rest to the Almighty.

  22. 1-The issue is trusting someone, when it comes to rishta all girls become innocent and act like they've never even seen a man.

    "…And whoever fears God—He will make a way out for him. And will provide for him from where he never expected. Whoever relies on God—He will suffice him. God will accomplish His purpose. God has set a measure to all things…..Whoever fears God—He will make things easy for him."
    (Quran 64: 2-4)

    2-So if you marry the Islamic way the odds of getting defrauded are very high.

    “…God knows and you do not know. (Quran 2: 216)

    "These are the bounds set by God. Whoever obeys God and His Messenger, He will admit him into Gardens beneath which rivers flow, to abide therein forever. That is the great attainment." (Quran 4: 13)

    3-How do you figure out that the girl you are considering is really a good girl?

    Brother, Allah has not overburdened you; do not burden yourself with the unrevealed.

    "...God knows the dishonest from the honest. Had God willed, He could have overburdened you. God is Mighty and Wise." (Quran 2: 220)

    4-On the other hand if you date someone you start figuring them out as time passes but it shows that they must have dated others too because they won't date you otherwise.

    I am confused here brother. But if the woman dating you means they must have dated others before you, doesn't that also mean that you yourself dating them must have dated others too before them, since both of you are dating each other???

    “…These are the limits of God, so do not come near them. God thus clarifies His revelations to the people, that they may attain piety.” (Quran 2: 187)

    "Whoever makes a breach with the Messenger (of Allah), after the guidance has become clear to him, and follows other than the path of the believers, We will direct him in the direction he has chosen, and commit him to Hell—what a terrible destination!" (Quran 4: 115)

    5-Most importantly dating is haram and it is haram because it protects women from getting defrauded by men who use them for sex only.

    Dating is haram and it is haram because it leads men and women to immorality and evil ways (Zina).

    "And do not come near adultery ("near" is "dating"). It is immoral, and an evil way." (Quran 17: 32)

    6-After all, all men desire sex with more than one woman.

    "Adorned for the people is the love of desires, such as women, and children, and piles upon piles of gold and silver, and branded horses, and livestock, and fields. These are the conveniences of the worldly life, but with God lies the finest resort." (Quran 3: 14)

    7-In short, good Islamic men end up nowhere.

    "Moses said to his people, “Seek help in God, and be patient. The earth belongs to God. He gives it in inheritance to whomever He wills of His servants, and the future belongs to the righteous (for good Islamic men and women).” (Quran 7: 128)

    "That Home of the Hereafter—We assign it for those who seek no superiority on earth, nor corruption. And the outcome is for the cautious (for good Islamic men and women)."
    (Quran 28: 83)

    "...These are some stories from the past that we reveal to you. Neither you, nor your people knew them before this. So be patient. The future belongs to the pious (for good Islamic men and women)." (Quran 11: 49).

    • After all, all men desire sex with more than one woman.

      Also, (I think) "desires", "need" and "want" are three different things that do not always gather in a man at the same time. A man may desire something but does not need it, and a man may desire something but doesn't want it. But in the case where these three things gather in a man at the same time, Allah has made a halal way out. If you desire something and acknowledge the need for it, and then feel you really want to go for it:

      "…then marry the women you like—two, or three, or four. But if you fear you will not be fair, then one, or what you already have. That makes it more likely that you avoid bias." (Quran 4: 3)

  23. sorry i'm new to dis site and i was wondering how do i post my own question cause for some reason is not showing up?

    • Deerpark, you need to log in (register first if you haven't done so already) then write your question as a post, and save it. The link to log in or register is on the right side of the home page.

      Wael Editor

  24. To the OP,

    You are far smarter than me--with all your calculations and formulae.

    I will say a few things and then peace out.

    shatiaan's arrogance stood before his obedience to Allah even though he worshipped Allah, even though he KNEW the truth, even though Allah commanded him to prostrate in front of Adam (AS) who he considered inferior to him.

    What does it mean? The most amazing thing. Knowing the truth and at some point being a good worshipper guarantees nothing. Endurance in doing good, not creating false logic and beleiving in Allah's rules and commands over anyone else's will be the true test of time.

    Hopelessbrother, you are not looking for answers, but an army to confirm your theory and thoughts.

    All the best to you and most of all, your attitude--because your words for some women is simply unacceptable and extremely disturbing for a person who claims to be chaste.

    • This post is pointless now, its becoming more of an "argument" rather than coming up with a resolution.

      To the OP:

      Maybe working on urslf before approaching a grl or thinking abt marriage wudnt be a bad idea. Clearly, ur not gna be going anywhere far with that attitude.

  25. @Aisha
    ok first off my comment was intended for my brother not for you as a male i can better understand his situation. but if u felt offended i apologize as i think i went too far myself. Having said this i dont think there's anything wrong for a pious man to look for a pious woman and vice versa.

    Everyone have their sensitivities like yours that made u reply to my comment, if u think i'm crying than fair enough i can give u links where women are crying for as petty matters as why does a man gets 72 virgins in jannah while they get nothin of this sort.

    You referred to me as a sexist(yet u r nonjudgmental) what would u call them? and by the way we all know who like to cry more. Then u said that "we women" if u dont have a problem with men past it doesn't mean that every woman thinks like u. I would personally not want a 'man' with a bad past for my sister as well.

    Secondly u've used the word "Virgin' as a source of my obsession, i never used this word
    in my comment as i dont have a problem with a divorcee or a widow, u can check my previous comment because i know they have gone through halal means. One thing i did wrong was to use the broad term 'women' where i could have used 'most women' which is a fact as good women are hard to find, just like good men are. For your kind information i'm a bigger critic of men for using women but this was not the place to brag about that.

    Lastly i don't need ur advise to pray etc as i am well aware of my duties towards ALLAH(SWT) and as far as
    concentrating on bigger things is concerned, well lady if u think that my matter is small why did u bother
    to reply? why dont u keep busy with ur bigger things in life than wasting ur precious time on a post like this, as i did not specifically asked u to interfere.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Good reply Farhaj. I think Aisha's comment need to be deleted.

      • Thanks bro

      • Brother Mahmud:

        When you keep asking the moderators to delete Aisha's comments (because you do not agree with them) it seems very controlling. You have expressed a great deal of passion and anger about the potential past life of your future wife, and many of us may not agree with the level of anger in your comments either.

    • Thanks for understanding my situation brother Farhaj. I was considering going to Pakistan to get married but I am scared now. I thought things would be better there since it's a Muslim country. I heard Bollywood is having a serious impact on people there.

      • Yes its quiet true. But i think Muslim countries are still better than the west like in my country there is some level of strictness and a cultural difference. The culture here itself doesn't promote free interaction between the sexes, ya no handshakes, no nothin. I hear in the west the non muslims consider it a disrespect when a muslim man or a woman refuses to shake the hands of the opposite sex. Since handshake is considered as a greeting gesture in their culture irrespective of gender. The young generation here doesnt have the liberties which u find in the west. If a couple is found doing inappropriate things in the public, they can find themselves in trouble, and this culture was way better a few decades back.

        This is until the media broke in. The american and indian medias are the major medias here. They promote vulgarity, obscenity, tons and tons of negative propaganda against Islam, they encourage bf/gf culture to find your life partner rather than the islamic way which is shown as old and outdated. Yet people watch it and even get inspired by it specially the younger generation.

        Second reason is the educational system, The most prestigious and high ranked universities of the country are also the most vulgar. Same is the case with the modern cities of the country
        like the one i live in.

        But still there are good families here that require searching. A much better situation is in the rural and not so popular cities of the country who dont quiet have access to the media crap. But these are dangerous places to visit due to security issues at the moment.

        • Assalam alaikum Br. Farhaj,

          You wrote:

          I hear in the west the non muslims consider it a disrespect when a muslim man or a woman refuses to shake the hands of the opposite sex. Since handshake is considered as a greeting gesture in their culture irrespective of gender.

          I have lived in the west and spent a lot of time in the east as well. I can tell you that I have met many non-Muslims who actually DO NOT even extend their hand to shake a Muslim woman's hand because they know about our religious/cultural expectations.

          The country you are born in will not save you in the hereafter, because good and bad environments are found in all countries--Rather, our faith in Allah, our actions, and our sincerity when we do Tawbah will in fact save us in the end.

          • Assalaamu'Alaikum ,

            After reading most of the comments what I felt missing is,

            1.The brother looked too close minded. I myself being a young unmarried man can imagine and feel your perception of marrying a pious virgin is. Its legit for the most part but the problem what I felt is that, you seemed to be taking it too serious (the virginity thing) than you actually should.

            I think the best any of us could do is, to keep ourselves chaste and then pray and be hopeful of Allah Swt.

            2. What I fear is, because you are stressing too much on the virginity criteria. It can cause serious problems for you down the road.

            If you get married in near future to pious virgin muslimah, its surely a dream come true isn't it ?... But what if, she doesn't bleed(its a sign ..and thats what most men presume about a virgin girl) ...It doesn't 100% mean that you've been lied, betrayed. In fact its a known fact that Hymen can broken accidentally because of many common physical activities, let alone sexual intercourse.

            If you happened to encounter this situation, there is a possibility that shaytan can whisper in your heart and arise serious doubts with regards to your wife's chasteness, which then leads to unhealthy relationship and slandering etc..

            Like you may start asking your wife and digging her past. Are we allowed allowed to do that ?.... as far as I know by reading a bunch of fatawas that we're not because the basic ruling is that


            It is Allah Swt who have concealed all our sins, we absolutely have no permission do dig others past whatsoever. And muslims confession should be only to Him.

            Abdullah Ibn Masoud (رضي الله عنه) related, ‘A man came to the Prophet and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.’ Umar Ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه) then said: ‘Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret?’ [Sharh Muslim]

            3. What's due on you part is as mentioned earlier. keep yourself chaste, pray and stay hopeful, look for a good practicing muslimah and the rest is your Qadr(destiny)..

            May Allah Swt grant us all pious spouse.

            Brothers and Sisters, please correct me if I'm wrong .

            Jazzak'Allah Khair

  26. Salam Brother Hopeless,

    You made a comment back to me saying

    "Sorry but of course no one wants to marry her because "she is not so pretty". Muslim men have desires too, why would anyone want a girl that's not pretty. Why can't a pretty muslimah be chaste and pious too?

    "Drop dead gorgeous model under the burka who happens to be a virgin pious muslima too! (Impossible)"

    If one is pretty she doesn't have to follow Islam? This is ridiculous!"

    So what about these girls who are not phisically attractive. Do they not deserve to be married? They desire a companion too! Is marriage only to fulfill phisical desires and nothing else?

    There are many women who may be preety and pius too but maybe they are not from a good family or not educated. So you will always find one thing and not the other, because nobody is perfect.

    I meant a lot of people expect a model in the burka. But a model will not wear hijab, she will only be concerned about her looks and nothing else. Pius muslimas will not have time to go to the gym 24/7 and eat rabbit food! They will be more concerned about spending their time islamically.

    This is life this is not heaven so you cannot have everything you want! In the life of this world you have to settle for less. You have to compromise. So I do not understand why people expect the perfect wife or perfect husband in this world. You have to understand life is a test. Life is tough. You may get somethings and you won't get others. Remember:

    "Your life may or may not go as you planned but it will go exactly the way Allah planned"

    So even if you got this perfect wife how do you know that you will be happy with her? How do you know she won't change later on and cheat on you or take all your money and run away? so then what use was this perfect wife?

    The truth is we don't know. We don't know what will happen in the future only Allah knows. So we have to put our trust in Allah and pray for the best in everything. You shouldn't become fixated on something. People often say "oh he has to like this or she has to have that" etc etc and then they never end up getting married until they are old and grey because they are looking for the perfect one. Then they have to settle for much much less!

    All this nit picking will get you nowhere brother, Rememeber:

    "You may dislike something which is good for you"

    I know of a brother just like you who wanted Miss perfect he was looking for 10 Years! by then he was 37. But when he eventually found miss perfect, guess what she didn't want him! because he was too old! now his married someone with none of the attributes he initially wanted as he was desperate so he settled for anything!

    So don't let good proposals pass by you because she is not 100% perfect. You may regret it later.

    • "Sorry but of course no one wants to marry her because "she is not so pretty". Muslim men have desires too, why would anyone want a girl that's not pretty."

      I was pretty floored by this comment, too -- not because I expected more substance from the OP, but because he was comfortable in being so blunt about it. This is a boy/man who unashamedly has told us that he is good looking, is rich, drives a Ferrari, and therefore any girl would want him. And then he wonders why all the good Muslim girls stay away from him.....

    • The purpose of this entire thread was to point out that real muslimahs don't exist where I live. All I want is a decent looking girl who has never had a bf and won't take my money and that's what I am having trouble finding. I am not asking for a good family background, high education, or good job. I am not nit picking. I have the most basic demands a Muslim man can have and I have yet to find "a decent looking girl who has never had a bf and won't take my money".
      The reason why I mentioned those facts about myself is because if I can control myself despite being able to get any single woman why can't other people?

    • And for the "not so pretty muslim women," they should look for a "not so good looking or successful muslim man" so it would be a fair match and they can live happily. A win win situation for everyone.

      • Compatibility in marriage is NOT based on looks, young man. That is not how marriage works.

        You say you are in your late 20s but you sound like a 15-year old teenager.

        • Although compatibility is the most important thing, you cannot find that out unless you live with someone which is haram in islam before marriage. That is why i never mentioned that. Looks on the other hand are the second most important thing to men much more important than it is to women. In the islamic way of finding a wife that is the only major control variable I have. By the way, visuals are very important to men of ALL AGES, if that weren't the case there wouldn't be a multi billion dollar make up industry, women wouldn't be spending tens of thousands of dollars on all kinds of plastic surgeries, there wouldn't be a male centric multi billion dollar porn industry and some of the most visited sites daily wouldn't be pornographic. So please don't expect a man to think like a woman. As for the men that never talk openly about this as they get older is because they learn that women hate this fact and they adjust their personalities just to cater women's thinking and get accepted by them to get the same thing indirectly.

          • Hmmm...actually a man's looks ARE important to women. They certainly are to me. I agree that people like to match up in looks too. But what is attractive to me will not be so to my sister. Same for men.

            However, your justification for this based on a porn industry and the sexual objectification of women that happens in Western cultures and is spreading around the world is misdirected and (sorry) rather pathetic critical thinking. The porn industry, like the arms industry and the drug industry has specific aims. It is NOT serving men's needs. It is actually inducing unhealthy and empty addictive behaviours in both men and women for the sake of profit. The cosmetics industry is basically the same - made for profit. Also keep in mind that many of the custodians of the cosmetic and fashion industries are GAY MEN who are the ones determining "female beauty" in our cultures, which is sad!!

  27. Brother Wael,

    I am still on moderation and its been over a week now?

    • Oddly enough I can't find your email in the moderation list. You're the second person recently whose comments are awaiting moderation despite not being on the list. I'm not sure what's going on. Perhaps it will get cleared up with the next WordPress update.

      Wael Editor

  28. Salaams,
    I want to say to you hopelessbrother, please keep praying that you find yourself a decent muslim woman and ask Allah to give this to you with someone who has a pure heart and the right intention to be worthy of you.

    MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING, everyone can be successful with money. There are gold diggers out there regardless ones gender, but remember materials things don't matter, its the heart that counts. It doesn't matter what happening in Pakistan, India or round the world, its you who make the decision or can change your faith.

    I myself was set on finding a man who is a virgin BUT let me tell you something harsh reality its not going to be perfect, it is really hard and the only thing I have managed to do now is leave it in hands of Allah and be patience only Allah knows for the better Inshallah.

    People are different we are not all the same, we are here to learn the path given to us by Allah and its up to you as a person to see how much a good person you are. Wish you the best

    • I also want to say there are decent muslimahs out there, you haven't looked enough, just because you seen the bad around you or the culture your in, it doesn't mean all muslimahs are like this. You need to trust someone who is worthy of you to get respect and love back, because the things Ive seen you written sound to me you are really insecure so work on that, don't let the environment or the society your in give into shaitan (evil). Keep your cool and work on being a better person then it will come to you.

  29. Salam brother,

    If you are still looking for a sister for marriage, let me know. I have been living in east cost Canada my whole life. I know of wonderful practicing sisters who have never been in previous relationships, and are steadfast (may Allah protect them Ameen).

    But brother, I do recommend to not make assumptions about girls who had sinful past. Allah may guide them in the future and they might be among the women of Jannah. Allah knows best.

  30. I really dont think there is anything wrong with wanting your future spouse to be good looking, pious and a virgin. I dont feel hopeless brother is being unrealistic or demanding. Some of the women on this forum have been very judgemental. My son and i have also been looking for the same qualities but it is very hard. I do agree it must also be very hard for women as well in this day and age. My sons also feel the same as hopeless brother at times. What i say to them is to be patient and keep looking, when it is gods will it will happen and not before.

  31. What about these hadiths from Sahih Bukhari

    Vol 7 Book 62 Number 14
    Narrated by 'Aisha

    I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Suppose you landed in a valley where there is a tree of which something has been eaten and then you found trees of which nothing has been eaten, of which tree would you let your camel graze?" He said, "(I will let my camel graze) of the one of which nothing has been eaten before." (The sub-narrator added: 'Aisha meant that Allah's Apostle had not married a virgin besides herself .)

    Vol 7 Book 62 Number 16
    Narrated by Jabir bin Abdullah

    When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?" Jabir also said: Allah's Apostle said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you might play with her and she with you?'

    If i am not wrong according to these hadiths it seems that Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) also preferred to marry virgins.

    • I'm not arguing on what is said in the Hadith, but it is not haraam to marry a grl who is not a virgin.
      Obviously, situations then were quite different from what they are now.
      According to ur statement that based off what u hVe found in the Hadith that the Prophet pbuh wud recommend to marry a virgin, then why did he choose to marry divorcees and set an example for Ummah to follow.

      Sorry but if men can be so picky and discriminating against women like this, then it will definitely become more and more difficult to get married. Almost everyone has a past, if Allah is most forgiving and merciful then who are we to judge someone like that?

      It's sad how shallow some of the commenters state certain examples. Makes me wonder what will happen to future generations.

      • According to your statement that based off what you have found in the Hadith that the Prophet pbuh would recommend to marry a virgin, then why did he choose to marry divorcees and set an example for Ummah to follow?????

        Good question Sister Noor. If a virgin girl is what the Prophet (s.a.w) preferred, he would have married many of them before/after his marriage to Aisha (r.a), and it would have been very easy for him to do so, as everyone (Muslims and non-Muslims) were ready to offer their best virgin girls to him, had he allowed it. But he (s.a.w.s) did what was best for the Ummah in his time, and the same thing should be the best thing for the Ummah in our time too. He married many non-virgin women to teach us that, the matter does not necessarily has to be a virgin for the Ummah to move forward (that it takes ONLY a good practicing Muslimah -virgin or non virgin- for the Mummah to move forward). If a virgin is better than a good practicing Muslimah, he (s.a.w.s) would have said, choose the virgin girl over the practicing Muslimah, but he didn't say so (when he was talking about who to choose), instead he said, "...Choose the one who is religious and you will prosper" (Bukhari, Muslim and others)

        As to the hadith, where the prophet (s.a.w.s) asked Jabir bin Abdullah, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?" This does not mean he was was saying he should have married a virgin. The question could be understood in this way too, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them, or did you do this because you saw me (s.a.w.s) doing the same?" This is how I understand the hadith.

        • As-salamu Alaykum,

          The above hadeeth has different versions, one of which is as follows and shows the Prophet's (PBUH) approval of the marriage:

          Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with them) reported: 'Abdullah died and he left (behind him) nine or seven daughters. I married a woman who had been previously married. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: Jabir, have you married? I said: Yes. He (again) said: A virgin or one previously married? I said: Messenger of Allah, with one who was previously married, whereupon he said: Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you could sport with her and she could sport with you, or you could amuse with her and she could amuse with you? I said to him: 'Abdullah died (he fell as martyr in Uhud) and left nine or seven daughters behind him; I, therefore, did not approve of the idea that I should bring a (girl) like them, but I preferred to bring a woman who should look after them and teach them good manners, whereupon he (Allah's Messenger) said: May Allah bless you, or he supplicated (for the) good (to be) conferred on me (by Allah).

          This hadeeth shows that every situation is different. Sometimes it is wiser to marry someone with more maturity and life experience.

          • This hadeeth shows that every situation is different. Sometimes it is wiser to marry someone with more maturity and life experience.

            This is also true Sister Amel, as it makes sense in many situations. In fact, we can really find examples of all types of lifestyle in the Sunnah.

          • Salam,

            This is the version that I have heard too. Too me the verse is showing a passing comment from our prophet SAW. The man who got married seems to be a young man. So the prophet maybe suprised that he married someone older ( a divorcee or widow may be older then him) and in those times people got married young. Most unmarried people were refered to as virgins as people were more pius.

            Naturally if my friend married a much older man I might ask her, why didn't you marry someone the same age as you so that your thoughts and interests will be common etc. As a young girl being virgin or not can still play or sport regardless, but an older person may have less stamina. So therefore the prophet may be referring to compatibilty in terms of age as all unmarried people were young and virgins. Therefore a younger girl will be a good match for a young man and vice versa. This is my understanding of the verse.

          • Yes, the Prophet (sws) often tailored his advice to the specific person in question.


        • Thank you for clarifying brother Issah

      • Noorkh786
        Why do u keep bringing divorcees and widows while replying to me, i've already made it clear in my previous comments that i and many other men have no problem with them.

        • Farhaj,

          First of all, I didnt keep on bringing up the divorce or widow thing. Secondly, you may want to look at how you come off you sound like u are abt to start a fight or sumthing lol
          There is a way to come across and this is definitely not one of them so calm down.

          I ONLY replied to you once and I dnt remember replying to you more than that so plz get your facts straight.

          You may want to work on your interpersonal skills if anything. 🙂

          • Thanks sister for your advice but i didn't asked for it. Secondly i agree u replied to me only once but it was u who started it. I personally found ur comment rather sarcastic and intended for me as it was in reply to my comment. If u would not have specifically replied to me i wont have complained about it.

  32. Asslamualaikum

    Wow so many replies to my comment, but the point i was trying to make was that it is also not wrong for a person say like hopeless brother to look for a virgin. I never said marrying a widow or a divorcee is bad either. Most people are referring to the second hadith and making their assumptions that it was necessarily not intended so as to prefer virgin over the non virgin. I agree but what about the first hadith? Anyhow i think this debate can go on forever. What i feel bad is how the hopeless brother has been discouraged for his halal wish throughout this post.

    Well he's not open to widows and divorcees which i do not approve of, but at the same time it is not necessary for him to marry one either. My intention for posting these hadiths was to also highlight the importance of the word virgin which is there in many other hadiths too.

    One of the sisters commented that "Most unmarried and young people were refered to as virgins as people were more pius." i agree this is the reason why the insecurities that we have today were not present then. So it's natural for one to be insecure in this age, it does not mean that he is mentally disturbed or something.

    • Assalam alaikum Br. Farhaj,

      You wrote:

      What i feel bad is how the hopeless brother has been discouraged for his halal wish throughout this post.

      I am sorry that you feel that way. I am not sure you read what hopeless brother wrote above:

      October 6, 2013 • 4:59 am
      First of all I understand your pain as a western muslimah who unfairly gets generalized by under the assumption that muslimahs in the west are more promiscuous than from back home. The reality is that things are pretty messed up in muslim countries too now, I may be too pessimistic but that's what it seems like to me.

      I didn't mock the rule of asking the wali for a girls hand. Instead what I am trying to say is that it is pointless to do so nowadays since their daughters have already had boyfriends without their permission. And most parents don't do anything about it despite knowing their daughter or son is comitting a grave sin. When someone innocemt like me asks for the same girl's hand the halal way they ask a million question and get really picky. So it is foolish to go that route considering what the world has become now, but ofcourse I can't go the boyfriend route because it is haram. So it is a lose lose situation for a pious person and win win for the boyfriend because neither does he get asked any questions from the parents and he switches on to another girl once he gets tired and bored of her. In the us polygamy is illegal while having multiple gfs is legal.

      If you go the islamic route first of all you have to commit to these sluts and if things don't work out which 60% of the time don't.

      A divorcee leads to the man losing half his wealth and life long monthly alimony payments to his ex wife. Under these circumstances only an idiot would want to get married in the US. Especially if you are well off and make your wife a house wife the islamic way. I don't think anyone can counter this argument.


      I don't beleive that anyone has tried to discourage him to not find a virgin. Instead we have tried to encourage him to have a positive view.

      1. I do not think it is appropriate to say that virgins can't be found among the females of this Ummah and to refer to any of them in a derogatory way (as he did in one of his posts).

      2. Islam does not permit us to lose hope--hence an issue with being hopeless, or hopelessthinker, or to want to committ suicide if life doesn't work out his way.

      “Say: O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Sûrah al-Zumar: 53]

      3. As for the Hadith you pointed out, did you for a moment think why the reason the man married the older woman was mentioned? The point could have been made to marry a virgin without hinting at the advantage of marrying an older woman--could it not?

      4. Islam is a solution for all people of all time. If every man would marry a virgin, what solution is left for divorced/widows? If men don't want to marry them, fine, but don't say there are no good women left.

      5. There are hadith in which the Prophet pbuh gave advice to 2 different men regarding kissing their wives while fasting. To one he said it was permissable and to the other he said no. The Prophet, knowing both of them, gave the advice based on the fact he knew that the one man could not control himself after kissing his wife and therefore it would lead to intimate relations during fasting. This was his wisdom. I can post the hadith later (as I don't have access to them now, if you like). The point is that, YES, men can marry virgins, but no where does it say don't marry widows/divorcees.

      6. It is interesting how some men want to marry virgins because of the Hadith, but don't want to follow the example of our beloved Prophet pbuh--I think both are equally important.

      Anyways, I hope that you don't think we have discouraged the brother from marrying a virgin, but rather to have a positive attitude, trust in Allah, and find a wife by not giving up. shaitaan became astray without the help of anyone but himself. shaitaan knows the truth and yet he is astray and leads other astray. So, please, let us not think that our knowledge is our defense--indeed it will be our humlity and asking Allah for forgiveness while we strive to do our best.

      May Allah grant spouses to each and everyone of us that fulfill us with happiness and joy beyond our expecatations, Ameen.

      • MashaAllah Sister Saba, good response.

        Also, Br. Farhaj asks about the hadith concerning Aisha (r.a).

        He says:

        I agree but what about the first hadith?

        I am sure everyone was silent on the first hadith because, it is actually testifying against people who are focusing on marrying virgins only. If the Prophet (s.a.w.s) was saying to Aisha (r.a) that she is the only virgin among all those 12 or 9 wives, then what do you think that means to you???

        Also, if the Prophet (s.a.w.s) meant he would prefer a virgin, then it is because Aisha (r.a) is known to be the type that would want to hear such words coming from the Prophet (s.a.w.s). She wanted to feel that she is special among the wives of the Prophet (s.a.w.s), and there is nothing wrong with that, as this is natural in all women. Khadija (r.a) wasn't a virgin, but yet (according to testimonies by Aisha r.a herself) there wasn't any woman who was more dear to the Prophet (s.a.w.s) than Khadija (r.a), among his wives.

        As brother Wael said above, "the Prophet (sws) often tailored his advice to the specific person in question." So Aisha (r.a) was the one asking the Prophet (s.a.w.s) in the first hadtih, so he gave he what is best for her according to her manner, even though she was aware of Khadija (r.a).

        So the thing is that no one here was actually against marrying a virgin who is religious, but since we were trying to defend the right of a non-virgin who is religious, this is how it may look like to people, especially to people who just came in at the end, and then didn't take the time to read all the comments and understand every point that has been made already.

      • Yes i agree with u sister hopeless brother did use very foul language in that comment and its very disappointing, he could have conveyed his message in a better way. But i think if i am not wrong someone also referred to him as a hypocrite and its also a big statement to make. That person should also have been criticized but i dont think he was.

        Secondly u have defended the divorcees and widows throughout ur comment. I think it was unnecessary as i have nothing against them which u can notice by my previous comments and for which i also got into a sort of a heated argument with one of the sisters. My point of posting those hadiths was to make a case for virgins but was not intended to say that dont marry a widow or divorcee.

        Man can actually marry both or even 4 of them at one time but then again this does not go down well with modern women including many muslimahs who love the idea of a widow or a divorcee marrying a single man but cannot afford to share their husbands with other muslimahs.

        • Assalam alaikum Br. Farhaj,

          I am not defending widows and divorcees (*only*). I am defending Muslimahs in general as per the title of this post. I am sorry you missed my point on that--the silliest thing is that some people actually believe that some of us are against virgins--that isn't the point at all. I do not believe that real Muslimahs don't exist. No woman should be called by the four derogatory letters regardless of her creed.

          As far as how many women can men marry, that isn't the discussion and I had to lol at that when Hopeless brother's whole point is that he can't even find one.

          • Or maybe he wanted more than one wife, but the country he lives in does not allow polygamous marriage, and the sisters cannot tolerate it either, which made him worried and thinking of many things (like to find the most perfect one or to do it the other way), as I can see he mentioned the desire for many women. However, he could have conveyed his message clearly and nicely if this was the case.

      • Salam Sister,

        you are right. Conceal what Allah has concealed for you.

  33. Thanks bro Farhaj you absolutely understand my point, I have nothing against divorcees or widows either but since I've never been married I want someone who's never had that experience either. I have no problem marrying a rape victim even though she wouldn't be a virgin.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Same here but my reason for not marrying widow/divorcee is because my parents are against it.

      Marrying a virgin is mustahab and no man can be blamed for it!

      • Salam,
        you can be blamed for it.

        They are allowed doubled stated answers: I never commit zina or had boyfriend (They had not, because they rependet and they are clean like a baby).
        Therefore someone who has rependet is like virgin and the same goes for cheaters.
        The baby of someone else is for the owner of the bed.
        I didn't want agree all this, but after I read a story of the second caliph, I don't have any other chance than agreeing.
        Therefore, everbody knows it for itself. Brother the Prophet Mohammed just one virgin and that was Ai'sha.

        I don't agree my own words. If someone sincerly repends, than this sin will be concealed in the day of judgement, therefore repend.

        Yeah, this may sound unjusticeful, but the mercy of God is great.
        Therefore Allah will conceal it, but this is not a Fetwa.

  34. One more thing i like to add is that brothers and sisters who are saying that when a person repents he is free from his sins. I agree but how can we know if Allah has forgiven a certain person or not, its a matter purely between Allah and that person. So we cannot really make our decision on this assumption.

    So I believe every person has their choice to marry who ever they want. Whether it be virgin or non virgin.

    • Actually in Islam we are to assume the best of our brothers and sisters. That means if you know that someone has repented and they appear sincere and have changed their behaviors, we must assume that Allah has forgiven them and that their sins have been washed away. Islam teaches us that doubting others' sincerity and intentions creates fitnah and suspicion in our communities, which ultimately tears at the fabric of our societies. Therefore if you know that a girl committed sins but appears to have changed her ways, as a Muslim you must assume that her repentance is sincere and accepted by Allah. If you don't want to marry her, that is your choice and you have the full freedom to make it, but you cannot justify that choice by doubting the sincerity of her repentance.

      • I agree with u brother and i will not justify my choice on the sincerity of anyone's repentance, because I cannot, its a matter between Allah and that person. I made this comment because one of the sisters said u can be held responsible for not marrying a non virgin based on the fact that she has repented. I simply think that every person has their choice to marry whoever they want and they cannot be held responsible for it. I mean no where does it says that u should not marry a vigin.

      • I came back to this page after a year and a half just to see if anyone responded. The logic of sinning and repenting is the biggest reason for the existence of sin in our society because everyone would wants to have fun, then repent. Repentance is the excuse I get from most sinners, and now after a long life of major sin free life I too feel like I am going to start sinning after this ramadan because I still couldn't find a suitable match. I was engaged to a girl for a while who seemed pious at first but after talking to her I am really suspicious of her and have ended my engagement.

        • A long life free of major sins? Hopelessness is a sin itself. "Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins (except shirk): for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'" (39:53)

          You keep claiming that people commit sins with the intention of having fun, then repenting. That's a lie. I have been editor of this website for many years, and what I see is that people are drawn into sin by Shaytan, usually a bit at a time, until they find themselves in a lifestyle that they are ashamed of. Even if they're not ashamed, they often find a sinful lifestyle to be empty and unfulfilling. Finally one day they make a sincere tawbah and try to return to the path. If they fail, they try again. Fortunately, Allah is forgiving.

          "And it is He who accepts repentance from His servants and pardons the evil deed and knows what you do." (42:25)

          By the way, denying any of the names and attributes of Allah is also a major sin.


          • Just a question , I have been pondering about for a while , do you know where the word "muslimah" comes from? I have never read this word in the quran? why don't people just use the words muslim women? if muslim women are called muslimahs what are muslim man called?

          • Muslimah is the female form of Muslim in Arabic. I'm pretty sure it's in the Quran, certainly the word Muslimat is, which means Muslim women plural in Arabic.

          • can u reference any surah , a hadith or anything of that nature where the word is used.

          • I'm not sure what you mean. It's an Arabic word, the Arabic form of "female Muslim." So for example you would say in Arabic, the Muslim and the Muslimah must obey Allah, meaning the Muslim man and the Muslim woman.

          • Great response Brother Wael, maa shaa Allah.

          • @Brother demise,

            There is a reference regarding the term ''Muslimah'' from the Holy Quran--please see below:

            ''Indeed, the Muslimoon (i.e. the Muslim men) and Muslimaat (i.e. the Muslim women)...'' (Quran 33: 35)

            The term ''Muslimaat'' is a plural noun in Arabic, and its singular noun is ''Muslimah''. See surah al-baqarah, the noble ayah 128,

            ''Our Lord, and make us Muslims [in submission] to You and from our descendants a Muslimah-Ummah [ i.e. a Muslim nation in submission] to You. (Quran 2: 128)

          • Brother it is easy to blame shayatan rather than taking accountability of any sins ?

        • Since you're still coming back to this post I'll say this: I am a young woman living in the West, and Alhamdulillah I have never been in a relationship and have been blessed with a good family and good education. From what I've read here, I wouldn't marry someone like you. I hope that in the past two years you've matured somewhat, but you should know that your attitude is getting in the way of what you want. As a chaste Muslim woman, I would never marry a man who goes around saying that there are no chaste Muslim women anymore. I would never marry a man who thinks of himself as extremely good-looking - and believe me, you don't have to say it, girls can smell that attitude from a mile away. There is nothing less attractive, to me at least, than a man who thinks he's attractive. I would not marry a man close to my age who has a Ferrari - unless you dropped out of college to invent Facebook, I doubt you bought that car with your own money. A man looking to get married should be supporting himself, not driving an expensive car on someone else's dime. I would not marry a man who refers to a woman, any woman, as a slut, and especially not if he uses that word to refer to Muslim women. I would also not marry a man who prefers a beautiful woman to an educated one, nor would I marry a man who expresses the belief that less attractive Muslim women should marry less successful Muslim men, as though success and beauty are somehow correlated or that only the beautiful deserve success. I would not marry a man whose primary social group consists of women and men together, especially if they are known to be engaging in haram relationships and especially since you apparently would not consider me marriage material if I were a part of that group. I would not marry a man who seemed obsessed with my past. You come off as a very suspicious type - I don't know what your fiancé said to you to make you doubt her, but you seem like the type of guy who would make a huge fuss if I so much as bumped into a male college mate and was friendly to him. And yet you don't seem to hold yourself to that same standard. I would also never marry a man who acts as though his staying chaste is a favor he's doing to the Ummah - if you want to have a girlfriend and illicit relationships, go ahead! You're not hurting anyone but yourself. And although it is extremely important to me to marry a man who is chaste and a virgin, I would rather marry a man who has made mistakes - even zina - and repented sincerely and become a kinder, gentler, more understanding person because of that experience, than l would a man who makes me feel as though his spotless past is a favor he did for my benefit. The thing is brother, your perfect past is of no good to your wife if you use it to make her miserable in the present.

        • Assalam alaikum,

          The biggest reason for the existence of sin is humans. Repentance is not an excuse. Allah swt gave human beings the ability to make a choice between wrong and right and Allah swt made humans weak. Allah swt knew that weak humans would err just like you have confessed that after this Ramadan you will start sinning because you couldn't find a girl to marry--which by the way is a sin. Boasting about sinning and that too on the Internet. You are weak. You are human. Just like the rest of us. You keep calling yourself chaste even though you have posted here before saying that it is normal for men to look at women (on another post)--yet you claim chastity. That is your prerogative.

          But remember one thing. Our purpose is to worship Allah swt and Him alone. We are here for that and only that. Along the way, we forget, we get distracted and we make mistakes as we fall prey to shaitaan's traps. Amongst those traps are things that are evil, but amongst those traps are also our own philosophies that we are better than the other person or that "real Muslimahs don't exist." Some of us elevate our selves before Allah swt through humbleness and accepting our faults, while others among us elevate ourselves in our mind by putting down others. IT all depends on how you want to elevate yourself.

          You can keep hiding behind the cloak that you are pure and chaste and that no good Muslim exist, but let's say you get married and have a daughter living where you are--rememeber, that another hopelessbrother will come along and say what you are saying about your daughter and clump them all in one. I am deeply appalled at how some are quick to put down sisters and say the things they are saying--do they not have mothers, sisters or daughters?

          In our serving Allah swt here in our lives, even our chastity, our breathing, possessions, our everything would be to serve Allah swt. If you claim to be chaste but you carry it around like a burden only to spill if you don't get your way or because you have become hopeless, remember that your chastity is only there to serve you, here, and now. It is not for Allah swt, it is exclusively for you.

          Please read the following. You will find that even Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, continued to ask for forgiveness and he has been promised Heaven.

          Quran [2:94-95]
          Say, [O Muhammad], "If the home of the Hereafter with Allah is for you alone and not the [other] people, then wish for death, if you should be truthful.
          But they will never wish for it, ever, because of what their hands have put forth. And Allah is Knowing of the wrongdoers.

          So, who among us wishes for death right here and now? It is ridiculous to utter that those who sin only do so for repentance, because repentance is not guaranteed when life is not guaranteed. For such people, they are just gambling with their lives.

          Narrated Al-Mughira (RA): The Prophet used to offer night prayers till his feet became swollen. Somebody said, to him," "Allah has forgiven you, your faults of the past and those to follow." On that, he said, "Shouldn't I be a thankful slave of Allah)?" (Bukhari, Hadith 4459)

          Narrated Abu Huraira: I heard Allah's Messenger saying." By Allah! I ask for forgiveness from Allah and turn to Him in repentance more than seventy times a day." (Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5832)

          Ibn 'Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said:
          The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not."

          [Abu Dawud].

          Thauban (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
          Whenever the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) finished his Salat (prayer), he would beg forgiveness three times [by saying, 'Astaghfirullah' (3 times)] and then he would say: "Allahumma Antas-Salamu, wa minkas-Salamu, tabarakta ya Dhal-Jalali wal-Ikram. (O Allah! You are the Bestower of security and security comes from You; Blessed are You. O Possessor of glory and honour)." Imam Al-Auza'i (one of the subnarrators) of this Hadith was asked: "How forgiveness should be sought?" He replied: "I say: Astaghfirullah, Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah. I seek forgiveness from Allah)."


          Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
          I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earthful of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth."'


          So, if you are hopeless and you carry your chastity that you claim you have, but have no such certificate from Allah swt, then those are your burdens. Don't project them on the Ummah and cast any members of the Muslim Ummah aside, be they female, male, child, adult or anyone. Not a single Muslim should stand for this type of dialogue.

          May Allah swt forgive us. May Allah swt grant us Justice along with His Mercy. May Allah swt keep us focused on our own sins and keep our sight away from being obsessed with others. May Allah swt grant us spouses and help us through our trials. May Allah swt make us successful in our trials as we acknowledge that this world is not without trials. Ameen.

          Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
          The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "By the One in Whose Hand my soul is! If you do not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah will certainly forgive them."


          • Very good response sister Saba, may Allah reward you.


          • Excellent responses by both sister Saba and sister NE. JazAllahu khair al-Jaza.
            @hopelessbrother, how can you ever be hopeful while you are making yourself hopeless?!

            Could you please tell me why you kept your chastity? Was it for Allah, or for a woman? If it was for a woman, then it makes sense why you are still suffering and feeling hopeless--this is what you get when you do things for the sake of the world. However, If it was for the sake of Allah's pleasure and love, then why are you trying to break it now, just because you claim you can't find a chaste woman like yourself to marry?

            Rather than planning of sinning after Ramadan, maybe you should plan on how to dedicate yourself to the worship of Allah, even after Ramadan, to reach Ihsan (i.e. excellence) in your chastity. Being only a virgin doesn't mean that you are chaste, for there are many Idol worshipers who are virgins too. Chastity is about devotion to Allah and being righteous wholeheartedly for His sake alone, by following His rules..

            Allah the Most-Merciful Has made it easy for us to attain strong Taqwa in Ramadan through simple religious practices, out of His mercy, and due to that our individual Shayateen are chained in Ramadan by the Taqwa. The doors of Jannah are opened to us in Ramadan by the Taqwa. The doors of Jahannam are shut down in Ramadan by the Taqwa. Therefore, our focus, especially in Ramadan, should be on striving to attain this less-expensive Taqwa. If you found yourself already planning to sin after Ramadan, then you should really examine yourself and your fasting, because it may be that you have already set free your Shaitaan--get him chained again. What kind of fasting are you observing? And what do you spend your time doing in this blessed Month? Allahul-Musta'aan.

          • Planning a sin is very bad as Muslims should not think about it ...everything like keeping chaste also should be for allah per getting good muslimah it depends on luck should openly tell a girl you want to marry a Virgin girl only and there is nothing wrong with that and it is not arrogance can divorce a woman if she had sex before like in case if she lies n marries you ...

  35. Sister NE you said you don't want to marry some one who will make big fuss about your male friend ...please note having male friend is not Islamic and he will be non mehrem to you so husband has right to tell wife not to have male friends ..I think you lack religious knowledge about Islamic concept of mehrem and non mehrem ...please get yourself educated .. also you said you want to marry some one who has done zina but remember he might pass you sexual diseases so do t intent to marry zaani as it is not good ...try for the best and not worst ..

    • You have misunderstood my comment. Firstly, I absolutely did not say I wanted to marry someone who committed zina. I want and hope and expect to marry a virgin like me. I said that a person who has sinned and repented, and has become a kinder person as a result, would be a better husband than someone who has remained chaste but is arrogant about it and lords it over his wife as though he did her a favor.

      Secondly, I did not say I have male friends. I said a college mate, meaning someone I attended college with. Like most people I went to school with boys and work in an mixed environment. In the course of that I have met many men with whom I am polite and friendly - that means I say hello, ask polite questions about their health and families and so on. They do the same. It's a basic courtesy and does not imply any kind of meaningful relationship. I don't know your circumstances and perhaps you are able to study and work without seeing or interacting with anyone of the opposite sex, but that is not an option for most people.

      • I think if some one who kept himself chaste and looking for virgin girl is not arrogant .
        If some one says openly to a girl that he had kept himself chaste and now looking for a virgin girl then it should not be called as arrogant but it will be a straight talk to get what he wants ..
        Because if he don't specify it then it will be assume from the girl that he is fine for adulterous girl who has repented now .Because of this straight talk she might back up without confessing the sin ...So it is wrong to say arrogance here ...

        I see this argument "Arrogant" is taken too much to degrade virgin chaste muslims and keep high other non vrigin girls saying they might be better because of repentance ...

  36. And the debate continues and will continue. The main problem is intermingling that we as muslims cannot avoid. I ask my brothers and sisters that as muslims how much do we care about it? If we avoid intermingling issues like what hopeless brother and many others have wont exist. Do we do jihad in this matter? No we dont, we just go about things. Everybody does jihad in things he himself dislikes but not in the one he likes. Many of us dont dislike intermingling so we dont care.
    I think i dont need to give any hadiths or anything to say that how bad intermingling is. Can anyone argue here that intermingling is not bad? Then be honest to urselves and ask urselves that how sincerely do we avoid it. The answer is we dont. because its an integral part of our system today and we cant fight with it. Allah forbids zinna in the quran but also says that dont follow the footsteps of the devil i.e dont even get close to things that may lead to zinna from which intermingling is the starting point. The hijab is nothing in situations where u regularly interact with non mehrams. And the brothers and sisters who say that I am arrogant or something than I say that if they cannot digest what I am saying than they are equally arrogant. As muslims we should strive to create separate educational and vocational institues for both sexes to avoid any problems, how serious r we in this matter?
    I was taken to the cleaners in my very first comment on this post by one of the sisters when i consolidated with hopeless brother and admitted that I have ALHAMDULILLAH avoided top co universities and now workplaces in my country to avoid intermingling at all. This is how rude good muslims are I ask? If brothers like hopeless and I are arrogant than I say all the others are arrogant too.
    Just consider this link that i found on the internet about how bad intermingling and where it can lead to

    • I AGREE with you Farhaj .sisters so hijab n keep taking to non mehrem in mixed environment ..what's the point of hijab then ..I don't think you guys are arrogant ...this term simply they use to degrade good brothers and put up adulterous and then repented sisters brothers by some people .

      • Thanks brother, one thing we fail to realize is that hijab is not just covering up, its the way you speak, the way you behave, do u have hayaa in these things too and it applies to both sexes. Allah says in the Quran in one Ayah to wifes of the Prophet(PBUH) our Mothers in Islam, i dont remember the exact wording but it was something like this

        "That dont even speak in light manner with the non mahrams but speak with firmness and just way, so to avoid from any diseases that there may be in their hearts."

        Although this is said to wifes of prophet but we can all take heed from it. Now in today's environment and corporate cultured world, first you have co environments and on top of that you need to interact with the opposite sex in a very friendly manner for the businesses to exceed
        or you can stay home. Same is in the universities.

        Hijab has now become a license for sisters to go out, whereas its main purpose was to divert attention and wear it when you had a very important job or an emergency. Its even become a fashion statement where u have models advertising for the hijab. yes u get to see sisters wearing hijab, how convenient!

        After all this if u have suspicious brothers and sisters today, then dont be shocked first implement the sharia in the right manner and then criticize us.

        • But we dont like sharia do we? You know some people say it is like going back to the stone age. But its not all you have to do is create a parallel and separate system for males and females in our case but even this is too much for us. They fail to realize that this is the beauty of our religion(Islam), that it not only provides hadayaa between good and evil, which every other religion also does, but also gives u a system (a means) to act on it. You impose the right system and you get the results. Just like u need a system, a certain discipline to exceed in any field of ur life. Like if u want to become a doctor u will device a plan, a certain workload or schedule to help you attain your goals. You just cannot think in ur heart that i will become a doctor and become one.

          Similarly in order to properly practice Islam you need to impose the sharia(a system). It is like a well oiled machine in which everything makes sense and solves the puzzle. So in our case first it gives u the means to establish a chaste society by observing proper hijab, not the one we see today, and then if someone exceeds the limits then he is at fault.

          But we dont have this system do we, we dont even have a glimpse of it. So then when you have rampant zinaa and fornication and all kinds of evil in the society, then u will certainly have another evil of growing Suspicion too in the society. It is not rocket science, it is just a vicious cycle that repeats itself. So if u say that we are weak and prone to zinaa, and we r not angels than dont expect brothers and sisters who are suspicious to just let go everything and be angels too. We are also weak and humans not angels, we also have our desires of marrying someone chaste(which is not even a bad thing) and yet we face heavy criticism even more than the repents.

    • You know brother, if you honestly believe that the vast majority of Muslim women are unchaste you will never find a chaste Muslim woman. You will create a self-fulfilling prophecy where every woman you meet is suspect and her every action and word a cause for your suspicion and doubt. Look at the brother above, he was engaged and could have been married and lived happily ever after, but his attitude about women stands in the way of his happiness. It's actually quite saddening and would be a lot more understandable if you were engaged or married to a woman who turned out to be unchaste and the revelation was devastating to you, but that is clearly not the case with any of the brothers who have commented on this thread. I have to wonder where this attitude of yours comes from. You say that it's the result of a corrupt society but I don't think that's the real cause - I see Muslim men openly living with women in sin or dating them, I hear about men who's addictions to porn have completely distorted their image of women and sex, and I come hear and read about abusive husbands who make their wives lives a living Hell. But despite all that, I have no doubt in my mind that Allah will respond to my prayers and give me a husband who is a chaste virgin man, who is kind, loving and respectful and with whom I will lead a happy life on this earth and be reunited with in Heaven, inshallah. So your attitude doesn't come from society's corruption, it comes from inside you, and I think it comes from your belief that your personal honor and your self-esteem as a man in your society is directly linked to the behavior of your wife in the past and present. You believe that if your wife has known other men, YOU will have no honor in front of people. You probably feel the same way about your sisters, female cousins, and if Allah blessed you with them, your daughters as well. This attitude does not come from Islam and is in fact the exact opposite of what Allah teaches us in the Quran, that each person is responsible for his or her sins alone, and that the sins of one person do not reflect upon his relatives - was not Prophet Nuh's wife a sinner and drowned in the flood? Does Prohet Nuh lose respect or honor in your eyes because of his wife's behavior? Astaghafirullah, of course not.

      I hope these words have some effect on you, and I urge you to use this time during Ramadan to reflect on yourself and your beliefs, and know that your honor and respect come from inside yourself and from your behavior, nothing else. No person on earth can take away your honor if you sustain it. And you should also examine why you're so angry at the universe for not providing you with the perfect wife the minute you decided you were ready, because ultimately it's another demonstration in your lack of faith in Allah and what He has decided for you.

      • I agree generalizing all the Muslim girls as bad or sinful is wrong .There may be some good muslimahs in all parts of the world and also there will be many with bad character .

        But i still don't understand what is wrong for some one to desire for a virgin wife ? It is a choice .
        If you follow Islamic principles where you don't try to degrade some one , hide their sins and don't feel pride about themselves then it should be fine ..

        When some one desires virgin wife but after marriage he comes to know that she was not a virgin then obviously it will be set back for him ..And this is not arrogance but disappointment ... It is not about honor also .It is about your preference ..It is about bad experience .You guys keep talking about human being weak when did zina so why here some body needs to be strong to accept such wives?

        One example If you want to hire a driver where you have two cases
        1)A driver who never caused any accident in his whole life
        2)A driver who caused accident some time back but after his mistake he has learned much better driving

        Then most of people's choice will be to hire First driver ..

        So it is absolutely fine to desire for a virgin chaste girl compare to non virgin chaste wife .

        • Your reply indicates you have not read the entire post OR that you don't understand the comments made.

        • I don't accept that anyone should say "there MAY be SOME good Muslimahs". The correct and Islamic thing to say is that MOST Muslimahs ARE good. Also, I think Sister Saba is right, you have not read all the comments written by these men, some of which are incredibly immature and rude.

      • I would like to rectify my sayings on both the hadiths i quoted in a hurry. firstly I quoted that "There is a hadith were Prophet (PBUH) said that verily I would not blame a person for killing his wife if he found her with some other man in a compromising condition."
        Now i read this saying of Prophet somewhere a month ago while going through the topic of ghaira and severity of the crime of adultery, but now i cannot find the source. So I disregard this quote of mine and I apologize for posting it without reference and for hurting anyone's feelings due to it. I should have properly researched this heavy quote first and then posted it here so I apologize.

        Having said this I still stand for a man's Ghaira that makes him rigid. Secondly i also quoted " "Merily in the end of times men would have to tie their women in order to abstain them from going out and about, and the last to suffer from the evil of dajjal would be women, who would think they r on the right path but they will be not."

        Here too i did not properly quote the hadith because of not going to the actual refernce,
        So here is the reference. Here the list of followers of dajjal is given and it is being said that why women are prone to follow dajjal. It is being that "With regard to women, this is because they are readily swayed, and because many of them are ignorant. It was reported that Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The Dajjaal will come to this pond in Marriqanaat – a valley in Madeenah – and most of those who go out to him will be women, until a man will come to his mother in law, his mother, his daughter, his sister and his aunt, and will tie them up strongly for fear that they will go out to him.” (Narrated by Ahmad, no. 5099). You can read the complete article here

        Here too i quoted differently from the source, so it conflicts the source for which I apologize again. But the sheikh i used to listen to said that this actually is happening rite now where women are working in co-environments and intermingling jobs without real necessity but for which the fitnas are great. Rest Allah Knows best.

        • One again, I cannot allow anyone to make such sweeping declarations against Muslims, men or women, and let it stand unchallenged. I will not discuss this with you further because it's clear your mind is made up, but I hope that you are very confident about the accusation you make against your brothers and sisters, that the majority of them are unchaste, because you will be asked about it on the Day of Judgement.

          • Sister we could be asked a lot of things on the day of judgement. And its my opinion based on my experience, you can agree or disagree with it.

          • Lastly if u think sister that my definition of unchaste means that I consider that majority of muslims have committed zina, then ur wrong, yes i agree that the majority of muslims have not committed zina. But the majority of muslims do engage in useless intermingling that in my opinion has no place in Islam. Women doing unnecessary jobs that require intermingling. You have male female friendships, where is it ok to have opposite sex friendships in Islam? You have brothers and sisters commonly gossiping, laughing, cracking jokes with each other even on Islamic Forums. Is this frankness right I ask? And due to all this finally some muslims do commit zina. They were firm in their minds that they would not commit it when they started their relationships but eventually due to following the footsteps of the devil some of them even commit zina.

            Now be honest to urself and tell me that isn't the majority of muslims engaged in all these useless activities or is it the minority.

            So I'll be straight in this matter, and say that i cannot even stand all this and this too comes in my definition of being unchaste. And I believe that its only the minority who actually also abstains from all this.

  37. Three categories of patience:

    صبر على طاعة الله
    وصبر عن محارم الله
    وصبر على أقدار الله المؤلمة
    وتجتمع الثلاثة في الصوم .
    ابن رجب | لطائف المعارف150
    Patience is of three types:

    1) Patience on obedience to Allaah

    2) Patience from disobedience to Allaah

    3) Patience on the painful decrees

    And all three are combined in fasting.

    [Ibn Rajab, Lataa'if al-ma'aarif pg. 150]
    Ahlul Ilm (Kibaar Ulema) have said:

    That the least toughest kind of patience is “patience on disobedience to Allaah” ie.. Refraining from following desires, yet we suffer the most with this type of patience.

    And most toughest is “ patience on obedience to Allaah” ie.. Carrying out acts of worship consistently, seeking knowledge etc

    Subhan'Allaah, the way you've planned and posted here on Internet, that you're planning to get indulged in Zina after Ramadan says a lot about you.

    It is as if so far you were doing a favour upon Allaah Azzawajal by refraining from Zinaa?

    What are you trying to prove, seriously?

    It's a serious thing, these sorts of statements my probably make worst than those who are indulged in Zina in front of Allaah Azzawajal.

    Someone who has committed Zina could be a million times better than the chaste virgins before Allaah Azzawajal because of his/her sincere repentance.

    Go ahead and read about sincere repentance, all the verses, Ahaadeeth and the txts from Salaf, you seriously need it.

    And there are far more important things that we need to take care of before we leave this limited world, not everything revolves around virgins and sex.

  38. This is my last comment on this post, I also have far better things to take care of. I would like to apologize if I hurt the feelings of anyone, I was just saying what I have experienced, since I got into my professional life. So one can agree or disagree with me. Its not a Fatwa or something neither do I stand in a position to give one.

    Lastly I would like to address the brothers and sisters, who in the name of repentance are trying to justify the act of zinnaa, one of the biggest sins in Islam. And I hear many brothers and sisters who say that zinnaa just happens, I cannot understand how such a heinous and filthy thing just happen!! It is not an instant act that just happens.

    So if any future young muslims come to this post and take this act easy because they know they can repent later, and actually commit it, then the one's who justified it for any reason, could also be held responsible.

    Lastly I would like to address to the OP that he also does sabar and not plan on committing zinaa, lest he would become someone that he hates for now.

  39. soon brother wael may disable comments on this post

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