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Worried about getting married whilst my grandma suffers dementia

2 Responses »

1. 

   Sister A

   September 7, 2010 • 12:24 pm

   Wasnt This Posted Once Before..* =S ??

   x

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2. 

   wael

   September 7, 2010 • 12:26 pm

   maryam, you "jumped the gun" by posting your question as a comment on the "Suicide in Islam" page, and you received extensive replies there. So I am moving all of those replies to this post, and closing this post to further comments:

   *****

   maryam315
   August 23, 2010 • 2:20 am
   Salaamalailum...thoughts of suicide happen to my grandma. Its hard because im sometimes so overwhelmed o gey confusrd if i should agree wit her that life is tough and why deal witj it but then immediately i hear a voice saying " dont get sucked in evil such thoughts are haram and musloms are peaceful & God fearing". alhamdulilah my faith is forever living in my life and heart.

   My situation is the following:

   Im 30 yrs old living with my 61 yr old mom and 87 yr old grandma. My grandma raised me since i was 3 mths old. Shes my second mom. My mom was in the picture but played a more passive role and my grandma dominated the situaton and took over raising me, sort of say.

   My grandma always has been very attached to me and through the yrs of taking her to all appointments, monitoring her health, making sure she takes her meds and being there for her panic attacks i became her caretaker. I pay most of her bills, spend all day keeping her from feeling depressed and crying, talk to her and play games with her to jog her memory. This is because its the summer before school starts and i have time and am not working. At the current age of 87 she forgets alot of stuff and asks alot of questions. She has very early stages of dementia.

   For the past month my grandma was getting extremely bad panic / anxiety attacks. Ive witnessed all of them and took her to ER twice because i thought she was going to die in my arms. The doctor put her on klonopin 0.5 mg daily and most of the time shes sedated in the beginning but is able to cook, clean etc on her own but she doesnt like to b alone, gets very emotional and i dont feel comfortable leaving her unsupervised. Shes very depressed as well.

   My problem is that if i want to go out to school (pursuing my 2nd degree in nursing), to my future in laws home etc... my grandma sometimes feels like im abandoning her and she gets really anxious and really mad and threatens to kill herself and throw stuff in the house etc. Other times she just cries and expects me to come back really fast. Her anxiety and nervousness continue even while being on klonopin.

   Alhamdulilah i'm scheduled to get married next yr june 4 inshAllah. But i am scared that my gran wont be able to attend, i am scared telling my gran of the wedding because im afraid of getting her more anxious, fearful and/or upset. Also im scared that my responsibility with my grandma will cause me to feel torn between being with my husband and being with my grandma....what am i to do....?

   InshAllah you can help me see this complex stressful situation more clearly.

   Assalaamalaikum

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   wael
   August 23, 2010 • 3:59 am
   Maryam, wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmatullah,

   You're in a difficult situation and I really feel for you. You want to do right by your grandmother, but you also have your own life to live.

   If you can afford it, I think you should hire a home nurse. You will still see and take care of your grandmother, but the home nurse can help and can watch her when you are not home. Your grandmother panics when you are gone because she feels alone and she has no one to care for her. Maybe if she has someone else to keep her company, she can handle your absences.

   Maybe when you get married your grandma can live with you and your husband. I know that will be a hardship, and your husband may not like it. Perhaps it will help to remind him that it's a temporary situation. Forgive my bluntness, but your grandma is 87 and will not live forever. So although this situation is difficult right now, be patient with it and fulfill your obligation to her, and ask Allah to give you the strength to manage it.

   Don't you have any other relatives who can help as well? Siblings, aunts, uncles? And what about your mom? Why is she not helping more? They need to step up and share more of the burden. This should not fall on you alone.

   Wael
   IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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   maryam315
   September 1, 2010 • 12:34 am

   Brother Wael - Salaamalaikum - InshAllah this responds finds you in good

   health!!

   Alhamdulilah for your response - its reminded me that I too have a life to

   live and at times I forget and feel very discouraged that i'm not able to

   go on with my life due to my situation.

   Unfortunately my grandma is 87 yrs old but is totally capable to

   deny home health aide help and make decisions for herself. Therefore she

   doesnt qualify for a home nursing to come in...but i do call her sons and

   daughters to visit her on weekends and they have started to visit little by

   little which is a good sign but most of the time they dont come. when they come all my grandma talks about is me...how good i am...how she misses me and cries... My mom is at

   home always with her too but my mom too has a Obsessive compulsive disorder and they drive each other

   crazy, argue to the point they both beat themselves and then they both

   simmer down and act like nothing has happened...Seeing and living through this

   is very tramatic... I tried to go to the doc with my mom but she has a

   temper tantrum and tells my grandma I'm trying to harm her and embarass her

   when I just want to help her. My grandma at times when she is in her right mind

   set tells me that she is fine and doesnt need help but then the next

   minute she is in tears feeling guilty because she brushes me off when im helping her and feels

   angry and has her now often angry attacks.... Shes very very strong for

   her age still....very scary because she can knock down a door in my

   apartment if i dont intervene...

   But the bulk of the problem I think is me! she is also suffering from borderline personality disorder, depression, bipolar, etc. shes very attached to me since she raised me since i was born and im her only caretaker.

   when family members tell her that there their children are going to get

   married - she tells them that I am very much needed and she misses me when I go

   out and starts to cry hysterically. She states she will kill herself the day I get

   married because she will be so sad that I'm will be a married woman...
   Its like she doesnt want me to full grow up or maybe is.afraid that she will lose me despite that ive reassuref her that i will never leave her alone.

   She loves my future husband. He comes over to bring her flowers and get her

   used to him. She respects him when he is home and speaks fondly of him.

   But states she will not live with us because she is her own person and not

   old...(too funny she is at times). My future husband is very patient and

   understanding Alhamdulilah. He has agreed to allow me to live part time with

   him and part time here home with my grandma and my mom. He has agreed to stay

   over in my home with my grandma until things ease down a bit..but I'm

   afraid seeing the problems I deal with home will hurt our relationship....i'm very stressed...

   My grandma is on week 2 of taking her mood stabilizing medication and

   InshAllah when she hits 4 weeks she will be okay for me to tell her the truth

   that I am getting married because she doesnt know yet...which its killing

   me....lately the medication is making her memory worse but she.refuses to go to doc and explain herself but from one minute to the next shes angry or complete in her right mind set...im so confused with that plus her behavior is a bit strange but i feel at times like giving up and letting her cry her eyes out and letting her sleep with her legs dangling off the bed, etc. I feel like im too involved but then i see how my aunts and uncles just dont care and my gran basically just has me to care for her....i feel its my obligation but feel that when i get married i will be torn between my grandma and my husband....

   May Allah have mercy on me...
   Salaamalikum....Maryam

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   SisterZ
   September 1, 2010 • 11:09 am
   Dear Sister Maryam, Asalaamualaykum,

   I completely sympathize with you as I know how difficult it is to be the carer of someone who suffers from a mental health illness. First of all I want to make a dua that may Allah(swt) reward you for taking care of your mother and grandmother, especially under such difficult circumstances. Secondly that you also deserve to be taken care of by someone too. Being the carer of two loved ones who suffer from mental health issues must take its toll on you extremely. You are emotionally and physically drained out, but you love them immensely. So, when you feel like giving up, remember the blessings that these two women have brought to your life and be hopeful of Allah's reward.

   I do not know which country you live in, but in the UK, mental health patients normally have a nurse assigned to them. The nurse visits the patient from time to time which helps to build a rapport. If there is any such nurse, she/he could help you when breaking the news of your marriage. Also have you thought of arranging for home care? Again, in the UK, carers can arrange for an outside carer to come in a for a few hours a day. It will no doubt take some of the burden away from yourself.

   You are blessed that you have the opportunity to care for your Grandmother and can InshaAllah be hopeful of Allah's reward through this. But it is wrong and unjust of your uncles and aunts that you are having to carry such a weighty task alone because they are not fulfilling their responsibilities towards their Mother. They need to be reminded of their duty towards their Mother and also that this is all affecting your health and well-being too. Could you not have a real heart to heart with one of your uncles or aunts? Pick the one who you are closer to with the hope that they will understand inshaAllah. Tell them that you love your Grandmother, but need help in caring for her. Further remind them subtly that it is their duty combined to care for their Mother in her old age and that they could be gaining so much reward in doing so. Maybe you could remind them of Allah's Words in The Glorious Quran, Surah 17, Ayah 23/24:

   "Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."

   May Allah ease your difficulties and give you the eemaan and strength to balance all your praiseworthy tasks successfully,

   SisterZ
   IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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   maryam315
   September 6, 2010 • 4:05 pm
   Salaaimalaikum Sister Z...

   I live in New York and unfortunately because my grandmother can carry a conversation and is able to share a logical conversation many times with her neurologist and primary care, they state at this point in her life she will not accept a home nurse and therefore will not qualify for the home care because she will refuse it which voids the request of home care to help her and myself out.

   Its unfair because many times my grandmother is okay at the doctors office but since I'm home full time - it's a totally different story ...

   Unfortunately the family shows their face when they feel like it and I have had heart to heart conversations with them. They show their faces once and thats it, then once they see my grandma happy and well for that day - they assume she doesnt need to be visited because she is well.

   I'm being accused by my aunt that it's my fault my grandma has mental illness and that I am beating my grandma because she states i want to kill my grandma so I can live my life... I've done everything to help my grandma and have never laid a hand on my parents and will never...She states if she sees any marks on my grandma or finds evidence she will have me arrested. She states that if I tell my grandma I am going to get married she will die and I will be the main cause of her death...This is nuts!!!!!

   What if they fabricate stuff against me? How can I protect myself when i cant tell my grandmother what is going on because if I were to tell her - this would cause my grandma to have more mania attacks... I believe my aunt is jealous because I am able to educate myself and she wasn't allowed when she lived with my grandma and got married to get out of the house because my grandma had her always home and she wasnt able to go out or work.

   Its very draining for me to continue to calling my family constantly when nothing is going to get done. I'm all alone with this and this is just stressing me out. Its affecting my health because I'm so stressed and anxious in giving my grandma her medication on time and persuading her to take her meds at times that I forget to take my own medication. I'm unemployed and go to school for my second degree in nursing and have no health insurance. Talking to you is my only way of therapy to try to clear the confusion in my head.

   At times seeing how aggressive and how my grandma obsesses over finding e.g. a blanket and go nuts fighting, arguing and always wishing death upon herself...makes me just go crazy crying and just makes me feel like I want to run away or take sleeping aids to not hear the problems going on. I feel that one day I should trying taking a sleeping aid to zone out and just sleep without hearing the screams, the tears, etc that goes on home...Is it wrong to think this way?

   Its a great blessing to care for my parents and Alhamdulilah Im greatful to have them alive but its so hard when they resist my care and me seeking ways to help them because they believe they are well. BUT I'm tired of leaving home to school or to visit my future in-laws and feeling my heart torn between spending time with my in-laws which I love and my problems home. I feel bad that I leave this place I call home when in reality its like I'm in jail in my own home.

   On the good days if I express such concerns to my grandma she will feel that she is burdening me and sends me to destress and behaves well for a day but just drives me nuts crying...i dont like to see her cry but she cries for anything to be left alone, if I go to my room and she stays in the living room alone, she doesnt watch tv, she doesnt want to do anything at times just cry. It drives me nuts! It drives me nuts to see people who just want to give up in life - it hurts me so much! I read her the quran at night time and talk to her that her punishing herself is not allowed by Allah. Unfortunately it goes in through one ear and comes out the other...

   Here I'm planning a wedding and my future in-laws alhamdulilah have been so supportive and helpful but I feel bad because with all these problems and 9 months InshAllah to my wedding just overwhelms me.

   Literally I'm afraid to marry - I will be torn between home responsibilities, my husband and helping his parents and then with school....what to do to make everyone happy????....

   Very Anxious but praying that Allah shed his blessings upon me and guides me to the right path...

   Maryam...please advise...

   *****

   SisterZ
   September 6, 2010 • 6:45 pm
   Dear Maryam, Asalaamulaykum,

   The challenge of caring for your Grandmother is enough without the added frustrations of your selfish family members. It is clear that they are not going to help you. Being in such a situation can drive anyone around the bend and back, BUT inshAllah you will get through this difficult time. Allah promises that after every difficulty there is ease, and I think your time for ease is nearing Sister.

   Your family: There is no quick fix solution to this situation, it is not going away and you are not getting any help from your family. So, for your own sanity, completely blot them out of your mind. I do not mean don't meet and greet them etc, because it is an islamic requirement do maintain good family ties. What I mean though is to change your mind-frame so that you have no expectations of them whatsoever. If you have no expectations of them, they can't let you down.

   When your selfish family, taunt you, ignore them, Tell yourself that these people are ignorant and maybe going through momentary insanity; so it is better for you to ignore them and not to stoop to their level. Infact they do not realise that they are the fools, as they are losing the chance of gaining hasanat through their behaviour.

   Your marriage: With regards to your marriage Maryam, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be taken care of aswell. Your Grandmother is extremely frightened at the thought of being left alone, but keep reassuring her that you will not leave her alone and that in fact your in laws are happy for you to continue caring for her after your marriage. MaashAllah, you are fortunate that your in laws are being supportive; I pray that continues inshaAllah.

   If anything, I think the first time you speak to your Grandmother about your marriage, her reaction may be difficult, but with time even she will get used to it. Think of it like this Maryam, when you get married, your husband will be there to share your responsibilities with you inshaAllah :O). You will inshaAllah be happier and hence will feel lighter and less burdened. This will reflect positively in your caring for your Grandmother and Mother. At the same time, I cannot see it being practical for you to always stay at your Grandmother's house after marriage, (unless you and your husband moved in with her); so when you are not there, your family will be forced to come in and help.

   The bottom line is, you cannot make everyone happy. While you continue to stay in this same situation day in, day out, your family will never ever step up. But when you get married and move out, they will be forced to come in and help. As long as you know you are doing your best to fulfil you Islamic roles as a daughter, a wife, an individual, you have nothing to worry about. Caring for your Grandmother and Mother is an obligation and so is your marriage. You need the latter for your sanity and well being. You cannot do everything.

   Your rights as a full time Carer - Maryam, you said that you cannot get home care for your Grandmother because her condition is not deemed 'bad enough'. But what about you? You need someone to help you cope and bearing this in mind, I think you should speak to the health authorities again; or do you have an equivalent of a local councillor? It is so frustrating, when such matters are ignored by the authorities, because your mental health and well is being affected in all this. Try to keep in touch with your friends; even an hour of seeing them every few days will help you feel lighter inshaAllah.

   All this aside, dear Sister, try to look forward to your wedding, you have absolutely nothing at all to feel guilty about. Things will work out, trust Allah. He(swt) can see how much you are striving, so do what you have to and keep marching in Allah's way :0).

   Allah(swt) says in The Glorious Quran in Surah 65, Ayahs2-3: "And for those who fear Allah, He prepares a way out. And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if anyone puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him".

   During these last few nights or Ramadaan, I pray from the bottom of my heart, that Allah makes this difficulty easy for you soon - Aameen. Feel comfortable to write here whenever you need an invisible shoulder to lean on, thats what we are here for, by the Grace of Allah. May Allah(swt) reward you for all the effort you are putting into caring for your Grandmother and Mother and may it weigh heavy on your hasanat on Yawm al Qiyaamah, Aameen.

   SisterZ
   IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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