Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Guidance on Marriage – Please Help

marriage

Respected Sir/Madame:

Asalamu-Alaikum,

I am in a big problem. I am 18 and I want to marry a woman of 25. I know her and I like her religiosity. I do not talk to her, because its gunahh. I am not attracted to her from any point of view. Yes, she is beautiful but for me she is some sort of sacred angel. I like her character and religiousness. Beauty is a secondary character for me. There are girls a lot of girls who are beautiful but not religious. I don’t love this women, I only like her because of the things I have discussed so far. It’s been 9 months since I first met her. But when I saw her modesty and observed other characters I lowered my gaze. Now I haven’t met her or seen her for the past 3 months. I could contact her but I don’t want to. I want to follow Islam. MashAllah, I have started complete 5 prayers. At first, I always prayed that “God, please I want her to be my wife”. But now I don’t pray such things I only pray “O Allah, if she is good for me than marry me to her. If not give me all the characters she likes”. An important thing to be noted is that I don’t pray all the salat and do good deeds so that I can marry her or I can pray Allah to marry her. I want to connect to Allah and attain his blessings that is why I offer prayers and do other deeds.

Only my mother knows about this matter. She was very worried for me because due to this women I didn’t talked to anyone, ate only little and always locked myself in a room crying and thinking about what I could do. But one day mother came to me and asked me about the problem. After repeated requests I told her everything and I told her that I like her not because of her beauty but modesty. I have abandoned nearly all the pleasures of this world for the sake of Allah only. I left TV, music, internet, hobbies, nearly everything. Now I only talk to my mother, eat, study, shower, pray, and sleep. I want to become a perfect Muslim. All the day I think about her. I only do the stuff that’s required for me for example: studies, food etc. I don’t spend life, my life spends me. I don’t like to do anything, all the day I either study in a locked room or cry or sit idle. I have no social activities, no friends, nothing. You may ask me to come out of this problem but even if I make friends even if I spend my life normally, I am not happy. I am stuck. That’s the ultimate problem.

One day my mother called this woman and asked her to meet her. She agreed. In a few days my mother will meet her. Should my mother say anything about me to her? Should she tell her that I like her? I really like this woman. I have tried to forget her but I can’t. You can imagine that I haven’t heard her voice and didn’t saw her for 3 months and still I like her. Now I don’t even want to forget her because, people always marry, I am not requesting anything that is not allowed in Islam. Age, still is not a big factor (refer to the marriage of Muhammad (S.A.W) with Hazrat Khadija R.A). I only want to marry her. I don’t want any friendships. I am hasting marriage because I don’t want that she marry someone else. Currently she is studying. I think she won’t marry until 3-4 years. So I have time to grow up and propose her. Now I always study so that I get a degree and I can get a fancy job. I can change any aspect of my life for her.

Some days ago I read from the internet about some “wazifas” about marriage. I started compiling them. I haven’t started reading them. These wazifas are for marriage of choice and attraction and a lot of other things. Should I start those wazifas or should I only pray to Allah to grant what I want/need? I have complete faith in Allah. I know that we can only request him. Just to connect to Allah, I have changed myself to a great extent. I have started memorizing surah-Yasin, regularly read Quran etc. I pray Allah to forgive me. Now, the love of Allah is my first priority everything else (including this women) is secondary. I am not blind in love or something. I can’t forget her because I could not find even a single bad thing about her. Marriage of choice is not disallowed in Islam. I love the way she puts scarf on her head. I love the way she respects people, talks to them, respects other, and teaches. I like every aspect of her. In the past I have liked and “loved” ladies. But this is not love it’s something else. This woman is a good teacher in my university. So what should I do? She doesn’t know that I like her or want to marry her. I avoid her. Should my mother discuss this with her?

Please guide me along the straight path. May Allah fulfill your every need and have mercy on all of us.

yttrious


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3 Responses »

  1. Salam brother,

    I know how attractive this woman looks to you, because she is beautiful inside and out, and in no way am I discouraging you because of age but....the thing is that you are mentally too young for her. She is a teacher, probably supporting herself already, already sure of herself, already secure. You are a mere boy student with a crush, living with mother, sensative and crying, just getting into Islam, no job, not done with school, ect. You have a lot to learn before you get to 25 years old. A lot.
    I know it's hard to imagine, but she is a world apart from you, and either you need to step up your efforts to provide for such a woman, or you need to wait and do istikhara until you can marry her. You can certainly have your family approach her now and ask, but please brother don't put all your hopes into this one woman. If you are so shy, she may not even know you well enough to take the risk of going with a younger man.
    Keep your heart guarded brother, that's all I'm saying. If it works out then Alhamdulilah!!!!! Just keep up the good work growing in Islam and growing personally, and inshallah you will have some progress.

    Salam
    Shereen

  2. Asalaam alaikum. You say you are getting closer to Allah but you are still pretty depressive in that in your spare time you are not living your life as if marriage to her will all of a sudden grant you completion and happiness. It's not like that at all. Your intentions are good but I feel you have observed her as such and put her on an unrealistic pedestal and fallen in love with an idea. sure, she may be a great woman but people have faults and marriage is based on compatibility after mutual discussion between two people, not an idea or dream conjured up in our mind because we liked what we saw. that is how the initial attraction begins not a serious relationship. For one, love does not exist between you two at all besides your fantasies as you do not know her feelings at all. More seriously, if you make her everything besides your religious duties you will be sourly disappointed even after marriage. marriage is work, patience and more. I would allow your mother to discuss it with her but I think there is also something bigger here, you are not living your life which both people in order to have a healthy relationship need to do, if she says no what would you do then? continue to cry for eternity? you are infatuated- which happens to us all - its a learning curve in life. but you need to schedule time to see brothers, go to the mosque, attend jumuah engage in halal pleasurable activities like sport etc. nobody wants to feel the pressure that they are your only source of happiness. become the best version of yourself and then regardless of if she says yes or no you will be a better person from the experience and have a greater variety of women to choose from in the future. remember age doesnt matter but you are still very young and have a lot to get through. try to rationalise your feelings so they are not so intense that you are consumed by them. also many of these 'wazifahs' are not based on anything in the hadith. please read about QADR so you can have a better understanding of your current situation, you can pray istikhara for guidance and pray tahajjud for something you wish but - A lot of muslims have some faulty idea that Allah will always give us what we want if we keep praying enough, no, sometimes Allah withholds at times to test us and sometimes because he/she or that job/whatever desired thing is simply not good for us. imagine for example a sister is interested in a brother and he says no she cries for years wishing they had gotten married but not realising had they gotten married he would end up being abusive to her and Allah had prevented that for her? so you see there is wisdom behind things so yes ask Allah, but then be prepared to listen to the answer He gives you. there are too many people on this site who waste months or years some even resorting to haram methods of black magic, (not saying you are such a person Im just explaining). In sha Allah All goes well for you

    • " For one, love does not exist between you two at all besides your fantasies as you do not know her feelings at all."
      Does it mean that in order to truly love a person they have to love us back?

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