Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting to know a guy for marriage but not sure if we are compatible

Young Couple Seated Back To Back

Not sure if we are compatible

Salam,

About a year back, my mom and dad had chosen a boy for me for marriage purpose, and I agreed to meet him with my family. I was allowed to talk to him personally, during a visit to their house, and what I could understand was he was a  nice person and all that, but he did not have any job.

My mom and dad, after knowing this fact, showed a bit of a hesitation to go on with this. And we kept it postponed.

Meanwhile I was shown a number of potential marriage candidates, but I just did not find them suitable enough for myself.  At that time, which I repeat was a year back, I was 24 years old. Some of the candidates did not like me for the fact that I work, and that I am a little behind my educational perspectives, since at that time I did not even start my Bachelors degree, I was busy working, teaching kids at home, being with myself with several leisure activities and stuffs.

A year has passed since I met that guy who I was talking about in the first paragraph. His mother called quite a few times within the time gap, informing mom that the boy had found a job for himself, at a good company etc.

Some more time passed, and I started thinking. As the boy was nice and now that he has a job, then I can know him a little better. So I got the number from mom's mobile, and called the boy's mom, and she gave me the boy's phone number, and we started talking.

We even went out a couple of times.  And during these trifles, I got to know these: The relationship between his mom and dad is not good at all; infact, as the boy has said, the father has abandoned the family altogether, lives away somewhere else, reportedly at his mother's place, and as the boy has put it, does not provide the family financially. The boy's sisters have been married off, now remains the mom and a younger brother studying Law. The younger bro is too busy with his studies to work, and the mother, when once asked by my mom, said that they do not have any financial problem, because as the father was a retired army officer, so they get pensions, ration certificates and stuffs. But the boy had recently told me that he will not be able to run so many things with his job money alone, and he has been planning to start a business with a friend. These contradictions between the mother and the son were really upsetting, both for me and my family.

He does not have any problem with me working or tutoring students at home. He does not have any problem with me doing my studies, and the reason why I work and do tuitions is because I bear the expenses of my education solely, because my mom and dad can not afford it, and which is around 12 to 16000 every 1.5 months. He did not have any trouble with these issues.

He is not very highly educated, and does not have any high career perspectives. He is religious. But sometimes he loses his temper and says stuffs which he should not, maybe he jokes but he says stuffs like: "After marriage if you try to act too smart I will send you back home to your mother" or "If you do not come back home by 7.30 then I will be really upset, will not talk to you, and will send you home"... sounds funny on the surface, but sometimes they do not sound funny, they seem serious.

He once said I am too career oriented, thats not true actually, but yea I want a sound job for myself. I want to give some money to my mom and dad as well, just as gifts you know?  I want to help out underprivileged people in the later stages of my life.. Yea it is true I have a lot of ambitions, want to do a lot of things in my life, but less for myself, more for others. And he is like, if we survive, that is the most. The rest of the world can go to hell.

Recently I wanted to talk to him about something practical, and he objected saying he wants to talk about something else. When I persisted he said we will talk on the next day, and hung up. You know sometimes I used to get depressed in our previous conversations, and I used to break down into tears, for random reasons. He said he has seen enough of these tears and fights in between his parents all through out his life, and he does not want to experience them at all again. I understood, kept my sorrows hidden from him. So that day when he hang up on the phone, he informed a little later that if all these persist, he will have to rethink, and he once or twice said before that we are not compatible with each other. So when he said he will have to rethink, I became a little upset and angry. and I said then please do rethink.

All these "getting to know' thing persisted for only 3 weeks. Yes only 3 weeks. And it is already done for. I do not have any kind of strong feeling for him whatsoever and i am not suffering. We have not talked with eachother for the last 2.5 days. It has not made that much of a difference.

He has both good and bad sides. I can approach him again, but confused. Thinking it wud be better if i don't. Looking for opinions, please drop in some. Thanks in advance.

-someone


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    If you had said you were really interested in this young man, I would go into depth about all the factors you had mentioned regarding his family and how it has affected him, your goals and how it makes you who you are, and how those are conflicting.

    But since you said you aren't really interested in this person, I don't feel any of that is necessary. Certainly there is no harm in cutting your losses with him here and moving on in meeting new potential husbands. You gave him a fair shake, and it didn't work out. That's nothing to be ashamed of or have doubts about, so feel free to get to know some new young men who may be more compatible with you than he was. It might not hurt to let your parents know what type of person you would feel you would "click" with best, so they can do a better job of scouting on your behalf. Hope it works out for you!

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum,

    From what you wrote, the directions seem different.

    Better is to follow the road of your life you chose - study, employment, family and religion.

    He seems more "okay" now, but from the "not so serious" things like not coming back by 7:30 pm, sound more posessive. So tread with care.

    Choose what seems good and Islamic. Read the Qur'an.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  3. Someone,

    I see red flags all over the place. Move on, there is someone better suited to you out there, have patience. This guy is definitely not for you.

    Salam

  4. salaams
    if this guy is not compatiable for you feel your gut intect and move forward. At least this way you get an idea rather than marrying someone who is never a good match for you in the first place.

  5. Salam alakom sister

    I think you need to hae a long think about this matter because it is very serious. Do salat istikara and see how you feel afterwards. From my point of view he has given you a few things to think about, firstly he seems controlling because he ssays things like "After marriage if you try to act too smart I will send you back home to your mother" or "If you do not come back home by 7.30 then I will be really upset, will not talk to you, and will send you home" and these are all threats!! if he's saying this to you now when your not married imagine what he will say when you are!! and if he finds it so easy to tell you he'll leave you then i would walk away now because this guy seems lke he's not mature enough for a relationship if something as simple as coming home late means he would end a marriage. You seem like a really great muslima and i highly respect you for working to pay for your studies, its not easy but mashallah you do it!! you need to find a muslim brother who is as hard working as you and who will see the beauty in you!! i think you should leave this guy alone because you seem to good for him!!

  6. If he is not willing to listen to you when you want to talk about the practicalities of marriage, as you mentioned then move on. If he is not listening now, he never will. Save yourself from misery in the long run and look for someone better and more respectful.

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