Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Had fight with brother, can’t control my rage

Salaam aleykum,

Yesterday, due to a simple misunderstanding, I got in a nasty fight with my brother. I began cursing at him, broke something in his room, and my father eventually came over. It was bad. My father began crying at the situation, which he has never done before. I am so frustrated and I still angry with my brother and I don't know if I will be forgiving him anytime soon. Much of fight was my overreaction to a simple issue, so I am the culprit to be blamed.

Over all, there is much anxiety, panic, and anger in my life. I cannot control any of these at times. I have chronic anxiety and my panic symptoms come up. I get fast heart beat and something feel like I am going to die. I prayed to Allah so much in the past to remove this aliment from my life, but so far I have not seen much change.

I am worried that Allah may be punishing me and not wishing to answer my prayers deliberately. I worry that Allah may never forgive no matter what I ask for. What should I do? How do I seek forgiveness? I am damned for the rest of eternity?

Jazakullah Khayr

- serkan25

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4 Responses »

  1. Dear serkan25, As-salamu alaykum,

    First let me say that it's good that you recognize you have a problem. Too many people have these problems of anger, or abusive behavior, or lack of emotional control, and they are damaging all their relationships but they don't realize that they have a problem, or they take no steps to change. So Alhamdulillah, it's good that you are aware of your problem and that you want to change, because that is the first step in becoming a more peaceful and happy person.

    You asked how you can get forgiveness. You are asking the wrong question. Instead you should be asking how you can get better. You really, really need to see a psychotherapist on a regular basis to talk about your anxiety and panic attacks, and get to the root of the problem. There may also be prescription medicines that can help control the panic symptoms, but I do think it's critical to talk to a professional who can guide you to a more peaceful way of behavior.

    You say you have prayed to Allah to relieve you of this ailment. But Allah says in the Quran that "Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves." If you want help then you must take steps to deal with the problem.

    I am quite sure there is something in your childhood and your past that is responsible for your rage and anxiety. But you have not mentioned that and have not give any background, so I cannot speculate. But you are clearly causing pain to your family, and your behavior toward your brother is verging on emotional abuse.

    I don't know what you mean about being damned for the rest of eternity. That's nonsense. People who say such things clearly have very little understanding of Islam, as Islam is a religion of forgiveness and compassion, and Allah is a God of Mercy. There is no sin that Allah will not forgive if you turn to Him in tawbah.

    Sister, another element of receiving forgiveness is that you must forgive others as well. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "Whoever shows no mercy will receive no mercy." (i.e. whoever does not forgive others in this life, cannot expect forgiveness from Alah). You say you are the culprit in the recent incident with your brother and that you overreacted to a simple misunderstanding, but that you will not forgive your brother. That doesn't make any sense.

    To summarize my advice:

    1. See a professional therapist who can help you deal with the underlying issues behind your anxiety and rage.

    2. Continue praying to Allah and asking Him to guide you to a better way of behavior.

    3. Stop holding grudges against other people and try to forgive. Holding grudges only hurts your own soul, whereas forgiveness opens your heart and eases your spirit.

    By the time!
    Indeed humankind is in loss;
    Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

    - Quran, Surat Al-Asr

    May Allah help you, guide you and make your path easier.

    Wael Editor

  2. Br Wael, that was a beautifully timed reminder of Surah Al-Asr.

    If only we all just followed the simple advice in this Surah...

    Value time by: believing, doing good deeds, advising others to the truth and advising other's towards practising patience.

  3. Salaam my Brother,

    I am going to speak to you now about anger and where it comes from.

    Anger comes from lust. What happens to us as people is that we want things. For some people what they want is respect, for others it is money, for others it is power. For some, what they want is an easy life, or they want to be able to do things without conflict or trouble: it an be anything at all - but basically we become so attached to what we want that this desire for it acts as a powerful lust inside of us. Our desires are in a constant state of change - and what we are lusting for at any period, changes from moment to moment. Wanting something more than anything else in the world is what I am referring to as "lust". I am now going to refer to this thing that you want / lust as "the object".

    Anger comes when our ability to have the object is interfered with. A husband that wants to watch the football, for example, at that particular moment: is lusting to watch the game. The game becomes (at that moment) more important than anything else in his life. Everything that interferes with that then becomes a barrier between him and what he lusts for, and he will react in anger. So if his wife starts to hoover for example, a normally calm man, may rise to anger because of this interference between him and the object of his lust (the football).

    Lust comes when we give the object of our desire qualities and attributes it does not have. An example of this is that a woman who has had a hard day at work, can see a warm bath as the solution to all of life's problems. As she meditates on this, she begins to give the bath magical powers of relief which is does not have: the bath is nothing more than a large bowl full of warm water. Then, when she comes home and the water does not work - she becomes very angry because she has lusted after the bath to such an extent, that the bath is now a solution to her problems and the interference with her mind's creation pushes her to rage and anger. She may even cause damage over it.

    Anger, then, becomes something that is either fighting against barriers to what we want or protecting what we want. Again, life and consciousness is fluid like water and changes from circumstance to circumstance and not being able to identify this within us is what causes anger.

    Constant anger, can come from wanting something badly - that cannot be achieved. For example, one may desperately want to have a different past to the one they have: and then become angry and not being able to change the past. Or someone may desperately want to have a certain type of relationship with their mother, and then become angry when their mother behaves in ways that threaten this.

    The way to solve your anger, is to identify what is the big, major, and very important desire in your life. What is that thing that you so desperately want that is constantly being threatened for you?

    It can be anything: it can be that you wanted a different life, a different childhood, a different job. It may be that you wanted to be taller, or shorter, or more successful. It could be as basic as you desperately want to have respect from other people - it can be absolutely anything.

    Once you can identify what this thing that you want is - you can then start to understand how your desire for this thing is affecting every aspect of your life and creating pressure for you, and this pressure is resulting in anxiety and anger.

    As you begin to understand that what you want is lust, and as you understand that lust is the process of giving what we want extra abilities and qualities than what it truly has, and as we connect with the reality of things, we find that our anger begins to diminish.

    The truth of things is that it does not really matter what we have and what we don't have, what kind of family, life, or past we have, what money or intelligence we have or don't have - we are all able to live peaceful and happy lives. All we need to do is let go of wanting things desperately, and move to making things happen naturally, and asking for what we want, and being what we want instead of waiting for our environments to deliver it to us.

    Replace any desire you have in yourself with the desire for God's grace, and peace. If you switch your life's desires in this way, and starting desiring something good and healthy: you will a significant decrease in your anger and rage, and inshaAllah you will find the peace, harmony and love in yourself that will stay with you and the people around you forever.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. Hello,
    Sorry this is so late as I have only just read this post today for the first time. All of this advice is nice BUT I noticed your symtoms and read in Weals response that you are a female.

    Okay first if you're female, women who are in pregnancy can become this way and it is uncontrolable by them. All kinds of emotions come out of you very fast this way. Great anger is one of these. That is one physical thing it could come from. As I do not know your age or marrital status or if you are or are not pregnant I wanted you to know this in case it is relavent. In that case there is nothing wrong with you. It is a physical phase that WILL pass.

    Second BEFORE any counseling you should be aware that what you stated is also signs of possible tumors of the brain. You should see a physical doctor FIRST and tell the doctor what has changed. It sounds as if it is a drastic change in your personallity that freightens you. I had problems such as these and I have a tumor in my brain. Mine is benign(non-cancerous). So you should get physically checked before going to some psych doctor. You can never tell in this kind of situation what it could be. It is better to be safe then sorry.

    Get a physical check. If it is nothing physical then by all means go for some help emotionally. You can also look into meditation for helping to calm your mind and body. It was a great help to me. My tumor got smaller so I no longer have those issues. But I still meditate and it is calming everyday.

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