Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Happily engaged, now forced to marry someone else!!

proposal,couple

Marriage Proposal

[Editor's note: Sister, I have had to remove the transcripts of scenes from the TV drama you mentioned, as the copyright status of these is unclear.]

Salaam-alaikum,

I wanted to know if a man and woman happily get engaged, should either of them consider someone else for marriage if their parents/guardians or ANYONE else tell/force them to? Please advise me in the following scenarios:

1) A couple are engaged (exchanged rings, NO Nikkah) to each other and for the 'sake of the girl's happiness' the parents let her do it and everyone is happy and her parents don't have a problem with it. One day, someone else asks for the girl's hand in marriage and invite her and her mother to come to a barbecue venue to see the photo of a boy. The girl was upset; instead of her mother telling them that she is already engaged her mother says to her "What is the harm in seeing the boy's photo? Maybe he might be better than you fiance. After all they are rich and have so much property" The girl was EXTREMELY angry, upset and shocked. She reluctantly goes with her mother to the invited venue anyway. After the BBQ, the girl was in an extremely angry and said to her mother:

"WHY should I consider someone else for marriage, when I am happy with the one I am engaged to. After all, you and dad consented to me getting engaged to him. What is wrong with him now? Is he an abuser? Does he not treat women right? Is he flirting with other women? What is it that he has done to me or anything at all, that was so bad, that now upon the request of some stranger, you want me to consider their proposal? We don't even know them!! He is the cousin of my friend's friend's husband. I was told he is 28, well he looks 38!! Whenever it concerns someone else's engagement/marriage, you always told me there is a hadith that states that if two families are trying to arrange their children's marriage, a third person MUST NOT interfere; If they decide they don't want to engage/marry their children, then another person can step forward. So why are you letting those people interfere with my engagement? Why are you telling me now, "Don't stay on one person. Look else where too". Why should I look else where? Its not like I'm confused about who to marry and who not to. My fiance cares about me soooo much and blindly trusts me. I am the HAPPIEST woman in the whole universe. How will he feel when he finds out I went to a BBQ to 'look at someone else' because you told me to? You have double standards and care more about other people's happiness and what they want, because if my happiness mattered to you so much, as you say, then you would have told those people that I am already HAPPILY engaged and NOT gone to the BBQ; you could have made up some excuse to not go, then I probably wouldn't have problem with you concealing my engagement because I also don't want the whole world to know I'm engaged, but that doesn't mean I appreciate you telling me to consider other guys too. I swear by Allah, if I hated my fiance, you would have told them that I was already engaged so that I was unable to consider a better person for marriage, like you did last year.  Further, if some found out and had asked who I am engaged to? Then you could tell them he lives overseas. You don't have to tell them he lives nearby if you had the fear someone will talk crap behind our backs to him in order to break off the engagement. Why did you agree to this engagement, if you were going to make me look at other guys? Further, you are actually inviting people to come and interfere with my engagement. At the moment, instead of looking at every vagabond in town, we should be making wedding/Nikkah preparations."

Does the woman have to consider this other proposal if she does not want to, considering the fact that she is already engaged to someone else and both her and her fiance have made up their minds to marry each other?

 2) The girl's mother (same one from Scenario 1) regrets and is upset too, now that her daughter so upset with her. She decides to get her act together and actually tell them that her daughter is already engaged considering the fact that those people started to HARASS the girl's family, to the point that the mother of the girl is EXTREMELY angry. They were behaving NO less than miserable, tyrannical oppressors!! They were doing the following things:

*Knocking on the doors/garage SO hard that the windows were vibrating. The girl and her family resorted to NOT open the door. But they were adamant. They opened the backyard gate and knocked on the glass doors of the pergola.

*Turn up at the door step without informing the girl's parents that they are coming to 'visit'

*Call the girl's parents literally MORE than 10 times a day!! to ask "if you guys liked the man, then should we take it as a  yes and when should we bring the ring to mark the official engagement?"

*Continually check up on the girl/her parents secretly (almost stalking) and ask "We saw such and such. what is going on?" (I mean its NONE of their business!!!)

The girl's mother was furious with this behaviour, as she felt that now her family's privacy was being violated. She was thinking "How dare they come without telling first and top of that knock so hard, that the glass is vibrating. Further, whats with all the phone calls and asking "should we bring the ring?" Do we not have the right to think things over. After all, what is the hurry and this stalkerish, checking on behaviour?" However she still asked her daughter, "What if this continues on and we give in to them (ie. engage you to their relative) because of fear that something bad will happen?

Her daughter flew in to an extreme fit of rage and responded "What do you mean something bad will happen????????? I am not a prize that is to be won. It is because of people like you oppressors like them think that this kind of behaviour is acceptable. This is WHY so many forced marriages happen in Islamic countries because of parents like you obeying the oppressors. If you raise your voice at them, then maybe nobody will have the guts to do this. In reality, we live in Australia, I can and will press charges on them for harassment and stalking, whether you like it or not. Even the prophet (saws) said "Bearing atrocities/injustices are just as sinful as inflicting them".....This clearly indicates, raise you voice, speak up and fight for your rights. "

The girl, after cooling off a little bit, then said to her mother, the following:

"This is all your fault. Why did you force me to the BBQ when I told you I was not interested in going in the first place? Further I was already engaged. Even if I wasn't, why do you need to take me to every woman who asks for a proposal for me? These are just two-faced people who when you reject them start backbiting and creating problems. To be honest, I don't even WANT to get married anymore. Whenever I like someone, ALWAYS ALWAYS someone only then is likely to ask for my hand in marriage, otherwise No and when I like someone, you start forcing me to look at someone else too. Now look, these people who you were trying to ruin my engagement for, what have they turned out to be? and look at my fiance, how sweet, gentle and humble he is to everyone and his good looks are just a bonus!! The '38-year-old' looking man does NOT interest me at all. He isn't even good-looking at all, as much as you say he is. I don't care if he is rich. Rich people are rude, arrogant and snobbish anyway who cant treat a woman right. I DONT CARE HOW MUCH PROPERTY HE HAS OR WHERE HE HAS IT. I am not a gold-digger who will ditch my fiance for a rich property owner who happens to be someone I DONT even know. So what if my fiance is younger than me? Prophet Muhammad (saws) married Khadija (ra) when he was 25 and she was 40. When Islam permits men and women to freely choose who they want to marry without being forced by someone, then how do you justify yourself  to EVEN force me to see a picture of someone else? I will NOT allow you or anyone to turn me (or my life) into Nayaab, the character  in that Pakistani drama serial MarasimPeople who play dirty tricks, backbite OR do whatever it takes to break off someone's happy engagement, have no love in their heart. For them it is only about power, control and possession. They are snakes.....so selfish and ruthless. I don't understand you. It means after seeing a old, ugly, rich guy who owns property, you would 'sell me' to him like a lamb being sold by its shephard. You honestly don't care about who I'm happy with, do you? After seeing a photo of that ugly man, you are deliberately now picking faults in my fiance in hope that I will ditch him. Before you had no problem with us getting engaged. " 

From that day onwards, they girl's parents, STOPPED answering their phone and they called more and more and more, then with less frequency until one day completely gave up out of the blue, which was a relief for everyone. ESPECIALLY the engaged woman.

So here my questions are what the engaged girl said to her mother, to what extent is it true? and if the girl's parents gave in to their pressure of those tyrants, can the girl Islamically take some kind of action against it?

What do you all think of this?

Princessalvina11

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1 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Ideally, simply refuse to marry anyone that you are being forced to marry--even if your parents are forcing you.

    Secondly, if someone is harassing you, inform the authorities. If you live in a society where this isn't possible, the other option is to move away to a place unknown to those who are stalking you.

    I wasn't sure if this situation was hypothetical or not, So hope this helps.

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