Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Haraam or halal to have a boyfriend?

marriage nikah halaal halal relationship

I have been meaning to ask this question for a while now, but I couldn't find any good site. I came across this site, so I thought to ask here. I hope anyone here can answer me.

So the thing is, I'm in a relationship with this guy who happens to be my best friend's ex. I've been with him for more than a month. But now I suddenly feel guilty due to the fact that he's my best friend's ex, and because I feel like I'm breaking my parents' trust.

But mostly I feel guilty and bad because I feel like I'm disobeying Allah. I've only met him once, but done no kissing or anything. We don't even talk about anything vulgar, but I feel like this is a sin because we don't know what the future holds. So I want to break up with him, but he isn't letting me because he says it's okay as long as we don't touch each other. I think it still is a sin whether you touch or not.

So please, can anyone tell me if having a relationship before marriage is halal or haram? Even if we aren't doing anything and don't plan on doing anything because we both have our morals?

-fFf013

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , ,

67 Responses »

  1. It is HARAAM there is no b/f, g/f relationship in ISLAM.

    PLEASE DO NOT DISOBEY YOUR PARENTS THEY LOVE YOU REGARDLESS AND WANT TO PROTECT YOU. THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON.

    Break up with him this will only lead you into the wrong path it is a sin ans haraam. Do not listen to him, change your number CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. You don't need him, marry only the halaal way. To me he seem to want to use you for one thing please DO NOT TRUST HIM.

    Lastly he was with your best friend this obviously puts you in a difficult position. He doesn't seem a good person or of a good character. LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY BEFORE MARRIAGE FOR A GUY IS NOT WORTH IT, THREAD VERY CAREFULLY!

  2. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    As sister Samina mentioned above, there is no bf/gf relationship in Islam. It doesn't matter whether zina/touching each other is involved or not--either way, it is still Haram. Allah subhanahu wata'ala says in the Holy Quran:

    "And do not come near zina/adultery (e.g. dating, being in a room/place alone with a non-mahram, or speaking with them alone). It (i.e. near zina/dating) is immoral, and an evil way."
    (Ouran 17: 32)

    As you can see that the above mentioned ayah forbids coming near zina. Many people mistakenly understand that zina alone is what has been forbidden, and therefore it is okay to date as long as zina or touching each other is not involved. No doubt, that is a great misconception. Both zina and dating have been strictly forbidden according to many sources from Quran and Sunnah. Dating (with/without zina) is coming near zina, and it is indeed what has been forbidden in the above mentioned ayah. As there is another sahih hadith which indicates that when a man is alone with a woman (non-mahram) in a private place, Shaithaan is the third person around them--he will definitely try to whisper evil thoughts and feelings into them.

    By now it should be clear to you that the relationship you are in with the guy is unacceptable in Islam. If he wants to marry you, let him approach your family in the appropriate Islamic way. When he approaches your family and seeks to marry you, he can be allowed the chance to get to talk to you, BUT that MUST be in the presence of your family or Wali/guardian.

    May Allah subhanahu wata'ala guide you to what is best for you in Dunya and Akhirah.

  3. Tell him to ask your hand to your father get married make your relation halal...

  4. Sister,

    This fear in you is but by the grace of Allah. Simply tell this boy you can no longer see him. Done. Today there is no kissing but it will only be a matter of time before it happens. Sometimes it doesn't end in just a kiss and there are many stories here on this website that will attest to that.

    No boyfriends in Islam and no, it is not okay like your friend says. He tells you that to keep things going. You control this situation, not him. Put your faith in Allah and do what you know is the right thing to do.

    Salam

  5. If bf&gf are kissed to each other we both should be in relationship or not

    • There are no boyfriend, girlfriend relationships in Islam.

      Salam

    • I have the same story and oh god i just became his gf and i told him if we kiss or so aomething like that or if he forces me to do it i would break up with him and he knows im muslim cause he is muslim too but not very religious so im scaredd should i stay i love him so much and im still a teen

  6. I want to know that if someone is in relation with a boy not physically like both of them only contact each other through facebook or msgs and do nothing physically ever ever so is it still haram? Please tell mein sense of no physical relation ever . Just through chat please

  7. Allah says in the Quran to not take secret lovers. So its 100% haram.

  8. If I leave my bf he thinks that I'm in love with some one else so what should I do in that case?

    • First, we don't have boyfriends and girlfriends in Islam. Second, are you in love with someone else? Third, the way to convince him would be to tell him to bring a marriage proposal to your family.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Assalamulaikum brothers and sisters,

    It is true that having a bf/gf relationship is haram in Islam. We as Muslims should not worry about these things. We must pray to Allah and carry on our lives as fellow Muslims. Allah created us to worship him. What we call the "universe" is just a test. We always want to pray and read Quran. We should follow the ways of the country or province in which we stay in... do not interrupt their lifestyle because they are doing it "wrong." Just carry on with your life and move forward. If girls in your country wear clothing that reveal intimate parts of body, do not follow. make the rightful decision. Also, as we all know, many people (non-muslim) have bf and gf and most probably surround you. Remember to always pray and think about Allah and refer to the Quran. Nowhere in the Quran does it say it is OK to have bf/gf. If you did not know if this before, it is fine but you should always ask Allah for forgiveness of your sins in your prayers/dua. Always remember Allah and if you choose to do something wrong, think of the consequences. I hope this helped you my good brothers and sisters.

    Salam

  10. My dear sister,
    Assalamuralaikum

    First of all boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are totally haraam. This is not the way of muslims. The boy has only one thing in his mind and you already know it, I won't tell you more. What he's doing for now is that he's trying to make you emotionally attached to him, once this happens he can do what he wants with you. Becoz women are emotional. The only thing he wants is sex, then he will dump you like garbage when he will be bored with you and try to get another girl for sex. That's how 99% of the guys do nowadays, I'm a guy and I know what I'm telling you. So plz don't follow the kaafir, I know you have attraction to the opposite sex, its normal at this age. Even I'm attracted to many girls, but I have to sacrifice myself and try not to fall into zina or come near it. Listen to your parents, bcoz once you have sex and love this guy and he leaves you, youll be completely down in your life. Thats why Allah has forbid certain things in life. Its simple use your mind and your logic and you will certainly understand.

    Irfaan

  11. Is it still Haram if you have a relation of a brother to a boy(going to marry with someone else). you call him as your elder brother and he calls you as his younger sister. Not only call but accept it from the core of hearts. And your mama know about it.

    • Ayesha, yes it is still haram. Calling yourselves brother and sister is a lie, since the reality is that you are NOT related. Eventually attraction will grow between you, and at that time you may be tempted into haram. Ask yourself, if your feelings for him are truly Platonic, then how would you feel if he fell in love with another woman? I suspect you would be jealous.

      Either end your relationship with this boy, or take it to the next step, which is marriage.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • no I am not jealous, even girl is also my friend i scarifies many times to save their relations. And i can't marry to him cuz i said him "brother". I can't even think about it.

      • i think you wanna say that even talking to a boy is haram or even seeing a guy is HARAM??????

        • Yes Ayesha , It's not allowed .If there are valid reasons for talk then you can talk with strict islamic guidelines like Hijab, not exposing your body, not talking in a sweet way which can invoke fitnah etc etc .So you need to learn islamic guidelines while dealing with opposite sex .I suggest you to get married to satisfy your physical needs and get sexual satisfaction .

          • Oh please he is my brother i can never ever marry him or leave him i wanna see my bro and friend as husband wife cuz they love each other. I am always in Hijab while talking to any one outside of my home.

          • Ayesha
            Wearing Hijab doesn't mean you can talk to other boys easily .Hijab is good but temptation will be always there .In the same forum we have read stories of Hijab wearing girls going out of control and commiting Zina with their boyfriends as they say thier intention was good and pure initially . My suggestion is to avoid boys (even this guy too) as one thing will lead to other and you will cross limits some day .

    • If Allah wanted gays he would have made Adam and Steve not Adam and Eve

  12. You think that girls only talk to boys for their physical needs or sexual satisfaction what thee shit is this ahhhhhh

  13. And mister he isn't my bf I can't leave him. He is happy with his girl and i'm his only sis(no more sisters). According to you i have to sit in dark room not even go out cuz it might creates the relations with my classmates or other. If you #Temp can see my gmail contact there.

  14. Sorry to say but if you were in front of me i slapped you on saying "I suggest you to get married to satisfy your physical needs and get sexual satisfaction ."
    He is my brother i can't even think about it.

    • I was talking in general for you to get marry to boy of your choice (not necessarily this boy only)..Why slap when advise is for marriage which is halal thing ?and advise is not for haraam things .(like boyfriends etc etc) .

  15. I think you are saying to marry with my bro....and i dislike to marry with anyone

    • Assalamualaikum Ayesha,

      There is no need to be rude to people as there are saying goes in Islam,"Never say mean words, out of anger. But your mean words can scar a person for life. So use kind words or be silent." And another one by our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w had once said, "Be kind for wherever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it, Wherever it is taken from something it leaves it tarnished."

      On second note, what @Temp is trying to say is, although there are some parts that I can say irrelevant, We can hang out with people of opposite sex, yes, but there we also have limits. We have to watch our language, the most important step in 'Do's and Dont's' in hanging out (in Islam), make sure our conversation is 'clean', which mean no conversations that could lead us into hurting someone's feeling or immoral things, wear something not exposable especially in front of guys (there goes another saying "time changes people" in your situation in my opinion) and women (believe me when I said it, because I have a friend that has a friend that is lesbian, personal experience).

      But hey, on the bright side, you can still hang out with boys, regardless of their ages. And yes, for me when you said you treated him as your brother of your own, it is not committing a sin as long as you don't feelings for him, that is all important 🙂

      P/s: All muslims in this world are regarded as one big family, at least that is what I can translate it from my language ;P

      May this increase everyone's knowledge for the better in near future for Allah S.W.T.

      Assalamulaikum.

  16. I wanna know I like a girl she also likes me our both families are agreed to our love but we can't marry because we have not yet finished our education we both have some goals I want to be an engineer from Indian institute of technology and she wants to be neurologist.
    We both talk to each other but she will wear hijab always and we don't meet alone as I have a friend who is a childhood friend of that girl.
    He is like her brother and she calls him and has accepted him as a elder brother since 10years.he also calls her sister fom ten yrs.some times I text her about my day or abt my happiest moments.
    No physical touch and no that stupid kinds of physical touch as we both hate that.
    Sometimes I'll meet her alone means in public places which will not be preplanned i.e; coincidence we met sometimes.
    Wehever we meet always we talk general things and ask abt health family etc.
    No bad words.
    We meet very rarely.but not alone.
    I am not getting proper answer to my question plz anyone answer and send this to zawaj.com
    I want to is my love hram or halal towards her I am not getting were to submit question plzz ansr

  17. i want to ask what does zina means? i used to think it means crossing that one limit only..now a days u knw there are many social apps for professional purposes as well so v get in touch with males and of course v have to tlk with many people but its general no feelings no bad thoughts..still ghunna? secondly i want to ask if u get physical with sm1 by ur will but not crossing that limit of sex still this is zina.. is this is forgive able ? if someone do not do it again ever in life no matter what he has done before..in his life? plz answer honestly about this question in light of quran nad hadit.
    and what u think about that girl who do not wear hijab but prays 5 times..no b.f but only she has to deal with class felows in daily routine because of co education?
    we live in this wrld we can never b perfect.plz ans my questions!
    step by step
    #samina can u answer?

  18. As salam alaikum,
    Actually i got married to my boyfriend. From the beginning of our relationship before Marriage we were sure to get married to each other and now we are finally Married none of our parents have any objection with this marriage. Alhumdulilah, all are happy but i just wanted to know whether what i did was right or wrong. I mean having a relationship before then finally getting married to him, was it right?

    • Salvira, if you were intimate in any way before marriage, or if you spent time alone, then you committed a sin. But that does not affect the status of your marriage. Just make tawbah for the sins you committed in the past.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. I just wanted to ask this question I've had for a long time...so umm.. I'm friends with this guy I've had a crush on since 6th grade and I really like him is it Haram or Halal to have a guy friend or a crush on your guy best friend?
    And is it haram or halal for a girl to have multiple guy friends and is it okay if she hangs out with them and her girlfriends out?
    Please let me know!!!!!

    • Assalamulaikum Ansam,

      Regarding this question, having a crush on somebody and you still like him, it is not highly recommend if you continue to do so (liking him). But if your crush is not leading you to the point it disturbs your life and education, it's still okay. You can still hints him that you like him so he would notice you (*cough* *cough* senpai! *cough*) but until it leads you two of becoming an item, then it's a no-no. In Islam, there is no term such as couple, boyfriend and girlfriend.

      To answer your second question, you can have multiple guyfriends and hang out with them with your girlfriends as long as it does not lead you into doing zina (or dating) and immoral things that even Allah S.W.T forbades us to be involved with in the first place.

      I hope this advice will help you.

      Insya-Allah.

  20. I have holded hands with a guy not knowing it was haram how do I get rid of this sin

  21. I feel really bad because im only 12 and i dated a boy for about a month secretly and then eventually my sister found out, but i was really happy with him but we never saw eachother it was only online he lived far away..and i dont pray because i wasnt raised that way to pray but i am lebenese/arabic and i dont know what to do

    • It sounds like you just need friends. Forget about "dating" someone online. Make some good, genuine friends in real life. Also, try to learn your prayers and do them. It will change your life.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  22. Is it haram if I hang out with my brother and his friends I'm a girl and I also hang out with boys and girls together but we don't touch each other

  23. Please tell me is it haram or not say the truth I have the most lovely bf in the world since I yas 6 years old and every night iam crying cause idk if it's right or no

  24. I don't know what to do like now I have found out having a boyfriend in islam is haram but I told my bf that it is haram he doesn't listen he drinks and smokes aswell can u help me here

    • Hey Ayesha. If your boyfriend won't understand or care then just leave him. If he isn't muslim you can't marry him unless he transfers and if he drinks and smokes then i don't think he will. But there are lots of lovely men out there for you that are muslim. I don't consider dating without being physical haram so you're not being pgysical you're good.

  25. Does your bestfriend know your going out with her ex ?

  26. Is it haraam to fall in love with someone of your own gender because i happen to know a girl who i really like. Please someone give me advice.

  27. Trust me... I have a boyfriend and now regretting it. It’s like selling your soul.... he will own you and if you like get mad at him or yell at him Allah swt will punish you for it. I don’t know it’s the worst! Please stay close to your parents until it is halal.

  28. Love is not haram ,but what u do of that love is important ,how do u keep that love is important weather in a halal or haram state ,said by mufti menk

  29. You are all wrong: all boys dont look at girls to have (it) with them Im a muslim girl following islam and i talk to boys everyday but that doesnt mean We are going to have sex... like

  30. I know having such kind of relation in islam is prohibited... I want to leave him but i cant bring myself to tell him this.. I told him several times that it is A din but he denied and said we are not doing wrong... Can you plz help me to get out of this relation.. I want to turn towards Allah....

  31. So please, can anyone tell me if having a relationship before marriage is halal or haram? Even if we aren't doing anything and don't plan on doing anything because we both have our morals?

    I would like to offer another perspective on this. Not claiming my perspective is Islamically correct at all, I'm just speaking as someone who happens to be a pragmatic person, a Muslim, an ethnically European, and someone who was born and raised in Europe. It can be hard to be a person that is stuck between a culture that's modern, westernised and liberal and a religion that's very conservative and, in some ways, old-fashioned...it's not easy to find the balance where you feel like you're being a good Muslim all while not losing your western heritage and ways. As mentioned, I'm ethically European...I did not grow up the same way as many Middle easterns, Africans and Asians do...whether we like it or not, our culture matters...not more than Islam, but it still matters. That's why I personally think the topic of boyfriend / girlfriend relationship isn't really black and white. In my part of the world, if you don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you simply don't end up married. Simple as that. Nobody here gets arranged marriages...they are considered weird, not ideal and hazardous...and rightfully so. Marriage is a massive deal...it's your life we're talking about. Who in their right mind commits in matrimony to someone they don't even know? Certainly not anybody I know. So yeah, I don't personally don't see boyfriend / girlfriend relationships as a bad thing. NECESSARILY. Because, in the end, it comes down to what you actually do. It comes down to boundaries - do you cross them?

    Myself and my husband were boyfriend and girlfriend for almost two years before we decided we were right for each other. But when I say we were boyfriend and girlfriend, all we really did was hang out together, talk about our visions for the future and all in all get to know each other better to learn if we could be right for one another. At worst he would hold my hand or hug me, but he only did that because he knew I was fine with it. I'm not an extreme, I love being hugged by people. By the women and men in my life - family, friends, colleagues...and again, in my culture, hugs have absolutely no sexual connotations to them. Everyone hugs, and nobody gets aroused by hugs, lol. Same with shaking hands...it's such a common thing to do here that nobody even thinks anything of shaking someone's hand. And if they do, they only think of how weak or strong the handshake was - because weak handshakes are a big no no :P.

    Anyway...my point is...we have to be realistic and acknowledge that not all Muslims can get by without getting into pre-marital relationships - and if no workable and realistic solutions for these Muslims are found, I think it's insane to deny them the right to find a spouse in whatever way it's possible for them to find a spouse. Even if I did believe in arranged marriages (which I don't - but if I did), I would have no one in my life to actually arrange my marriage for me. If I had completely zoned out of the dating game when I was single, I would have gotten zero marriage proposals, because nobody here proposes to somebody they don't know. Not every Muslim is the same...we're defined by our ethnic culture and the environment and society we live in. Let's just be honest about that!

    We also have to look at why we're not supposed to be in pre-marital relationships: It's mainly to prevent unfortunate and unnecessary problems such as pre-marital pregnancies, people being taken advantage of, and whatnot. I totally agree that all of that should be of concern, and it's beautiful that our religion protects us from these malices. But the way I see it, the solution to preventing being taken advantage of isn't to completely isolate and segregate people from the opposite sex. Strictly sticking to some boundaries is very often more than enough. You're not going to get used or get pregnant if you just don't have sex...so...don't bloody have sex. It's really not that hard. And if it is hard, then yeah, don't get a boyfriend or girlfriend. I definitely don't encourage pre-marital relationships to everyone. Some people, sadly, are very weak and ruled by their carnal urges...these people would probably benefit more from either only seeing their partner in groups and in public, or from sticking to the traditional ways of having their marriage arranged for them (if possible).

    • Aslaamualaykhum

      Honestly I wish more Muslims had your outlook and understanding and I completely agree with everything you said. More Muslims need to be like you - not the being blunt to the point of being disrespectful part - but the whole being realistic and pragmatic part.

      As someone who was born, raised and lives in England, what I'm about to say may not sit well with other Muslims but I personally only think SOME aspects of Islam are compatible with modern day Western society and if I followed it 100% then I doubt it get along much further in life.

      Sorry but that's just how I view it.

      • Are you a male or female. Which part of western life that you are so desiring to do that you can’t live a a further life. Dating, hugging, kissing, sex???

        • I don't have to, and will not, explain myself to you. It's my personal opinion and I don't need some random stranger on the Internet speaking to me in a patronising tone.

      • Aleikum salam Asim,
        There are so many Muslims that like you that are born and raised in Western society, and people like me that are Muslim and of European heritage...Islam has to work for people like us as well, not just for the Muslims that are 'lucky' enough to have been born in societies that are naturally very conservative and / or naturally leaning towards the shariah. In such societies, yeah, you can get by with practicing Islam in a more strict and conservative manner...but you can't really do the same when you live in a more liberal, absolutely non-Muslim society.

        • Exactly. I am a born Muslim butility even I agree with you that there are aspects that, to me, are out-dated in Islam. In fact, I will go as far as to say that some rules in Islam simply make life unnecessarily harder such as the gender segregation, inheritance and others that you listed.

      • Salam M,
        I know what the words Islam and Muslim mean, and I know what most popular schools and scholars tell us to do and even believe. But if something does not make sense to me, I don't do it. Just the same as if someone tells me to jump out of a 45 story building without explaining to me what the benefits of doing so would be.

        As mentioned, I don't agree that Islam is so rigid that everything is written in stone. In fact, I know it isn't. Lots of things that used to be haram and halal in the time of the prophet, have since changed and made halal or haram. Circumstances also matter in determining whether or not something is permissable. So you're not correct in saying that we as Muslims are just supposed to unnaturally alter our lives to fit some strict and set ideas - that most likely come from scholars that live in entirely different societies than yourself - of what Islam is supposed to be. And in return be complete misfits in the societies we actually live in.

        Also, I know the reasonings for why men get a bigger inheritance, why sexes are segregated and whatnot...doesn't mean these reasonings make sense, or that I believe they are correct.

        • Salam Lindita,

          Thanks for the response. I am curious as to what was halal and haraam before and is the opposite now if you could point it out.

          I think it's great that you do use reasoning as opposed to blind faith. I recommend adding a fear of Allah as well to gain the ability to discern right from wrong:

          https://quran.com/8/29
          O you who have believed, if you fear Allah, He will grant you a criterion and will remove from you your misdeeds and forgive you. And Allah is the possessor of great bounty.

          What's your plan if Allah holds you accountable for not following Allah's command? How will you explain on the day of judgement that you didn't do what you were asked because you didn't agree with it? Personally I hope you have plenty of good deeds, and the balance shifts in your favor on the day of judgement, I bring this up just out of concern for you since you are here trying to do good. I recommend reading a few lines of the Quran everyday, I think that will help define what is flexible and what is set in stone.

          • M,
            How do you know whether or not I lack fear in Allah? I mean, how would you actually know that i don't fear Allah? What a rude assumption to make :/. What gives you the right to take it upon yourself to give me recommendations based on something you have convinced yourself is the truth? Asshole. I recommend you stop giving people recommendations unless they ask you for them - you are not in a position of betterness or authority...or psychic ability, for that matter.

            As for examples of things that have changed status in Islam...a good example of this is temporary marriages. In Sunnism, temporary marriages are no longer permissable, but they actually used to be halal. I don't really have time to write down more examples for you, but you are welcome to look into the matter youself.

          • Salam Lindita,

            I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I judged whether you had fear or not based on your comments. For example, this one:

            "And in return be complete misfits in the societies we actually live in."

            I am a misfit in society, I make that choice because I hope to be a misfit among the people being taken to hell. Logic is a part of Islam and one is required to use it but one also needs to prioritize the right things and that comes from the fear of Allah. If I fear that Allah will put me in hell then I will not prioritize the worry of being a misfit over the priority of not entering hell.

            Similarly here:

            "it's not easy to find the balance where you feel like you're being a good Muslim all while not losing your western heritage and ways"

            Losing my western heritage or any heritage is not a concern for me as it will not help me as I burn in hell. As such there is no real balance I need to reach. I just need to not be taken to hell forever, and I prioritize that over western heritage.

            For you to make these statements says you feel secure that you will not enter hell, as such you can then make statements like these:

            "Also, I know the reasonings for why men get a bigger inheritance, why sexes are segregated and whatnot...doesn't mean these reasonings make sense, or that I believe they are correct."

            This just blatantly says that despite the Quran stating the inheritance that men get you do not agree with it. That's the word of Allah and you just deny it like it's not a big deal. This kind of thinking can bring you very close to disbelief and is alarming to me. And makes me feel like we could be losing Lindita. And that's why I would recommend a fear of Allah as I think you could turn the ship around.

            I'm not concerned with which one of us is better, it doesn't matter anyway. Sorry for offending you. Thanks for the example, and good luck in your life.

            Salam.

    • Lindita: speaking as someone who happens to be a pragmatic person, a Muslim, an ethnically European, and someone who was born and raised in Europe. It can be hard to be a person that is stuck between a culture that's modern, westernized and liberal and a religion that's very conservative and, in some ways, old-fashioned.................Myself and my husband were boyfriend and girlfriend for almost two years before we decided we were right for each other. But when I say we were boyfriend and girlfriend, all we really did was hang out together, talk about our visions for the future and all in all get to know each other better to learn if we could be right for one another. At worst he would hold my hand or hug me, but he only did that because he kn

      Just curious what percentage of boys 17-21 year olds with exactly same background as you will just hold hands when they date for 2 years?

      • I am curious too.
        And...why did you allow him to hug and hold your hands when in Islam it’s forbidden. Yes, I know it’s European culture. They are too affectionate and exposing in public.

        Why call Islam old fashion? When it doesn’t fit your view of what modern world should be.

        • Tami,
          It's your opinion that Europeans are too affectionate, it's not mine. I can't base my life decisions and ways of behaving on what you think is 'too this' and 'too that'. I base my life on what I know and have grown up with, and in my world there's absolutely nothing wrong with hugging people, or holding hands with someone you care about. As I already mentioned, my culture is European...like, I'm not a Middle Eastern or Asian that was born and grew up in Europe...I'm of Albanian and Russian heritage, i.e European. Please do consider that European / Albanian and Russian cultures are MY normality, MY life. When my culture is European, then yeah, a lot of things about Islam seem old-fashioned, outdated and non-applicable. I already mentioned that the traditionally Islamic approach to marriage is non-applicable and old-fashioned, particularly in Western / modern society. But there are so many other things I could list:

          - Women needing their male guardian's permission to leave the house, travel, work and whatnot. That's old-fashioned and doesn't realistically work in Western / modern society.

          - The strict segregation between men and women. Not realistic at all in Western / modern society...you can't really opt out of working with a certain sex. And you are bound to make friends with both males and females. It's old-fashioned to impose on people to adhere to sex segregation - and honestly, the concept causes more issues anyway. Look at societies where men and women don't mingle...and look into how well both sexes are thriving. Particularly women, that often are targets for sexual harassment.

          - Islamic inheritance laws are outdated, too. We live in a time - at least in Western / modern society - where women contribute financially to their household just as much, or even more than, their men...AND they still do all of the housework on top of it. So why exactly are men, in 2019, still entitled to double the inheritance?

          I could mention many more, but it's not really a debate forum. I personally believe Islam is timeless, which means it can't be a rigid religion that doesn't move with the times. I believe the morals of Islam don't change...but the formalities and mechanics do.

          Why call Islam old fashion? When it doesn’t fit your view of what modern world should be.
          You answered your own question. I call mainstream Islam old-fashioned because it doesn't fit my views, my upbringing, my ways, my culture, etc. That's why I don't follow mainstream Islam...I apply Islam to my life in a way it makes sense for ME. Doesn't everyone do the same, in the end of the day? I mean, unless you are a 100% perfect Muslim that exactly follows EVERYTHING your scholar tells you to follow, you're not any different to me :).

          • 100% agree with you. There are other aspects which I find out-dated as well such as the husband having to take 100% financial burden on household while the wife doesn't have to do anything. That's just unfair in my opinion and makes life harder.

            Then there's the case that it comes across that Islam is against anything even REMOTELY fun - music or dancing etc...

          • Salam Lindita, Asim,

            About your views that Islam is outdated, you're able to think this way because you're viewing Islam as a set of laws and man made laws do change for different times. The meaning of Islam is the literal submission of one's will to Allah's will, it is to do what is commanded of us by Allah. As such, to change inheritance, or to change the 100% financial burden on men is to disobey the command of Allah.

            Allah is asking you through the Quran to do something, and on the day of judgement your only reason for not complying would be that you felt the command did not work well during the life you were given. And that is the test, to see if you would comply when placed in a time when others do not.

            Other than this, there are things that are commands and others that people have figured out is the desire of Allah but not a command. To tell people to do something as if it is the command of Allah is to add to the religion and make it harder for others to follow. Those who start out try to adhere to the command, as they improve they then learn and try to do what pleases Allah by that which is implied but not a command. For the points you've raised:

            Inheritance is a command in the Quran. You must obey, there is no choice.

            100% financial burden on the man is a command in the Quran,so there is no choice.

            Segregating men and women is not a command but it is known to create stronger marriages. You could choose to not do this but you will find that your marriage is weaker, has more arguments and your kids have a worse upbringing. Lindita, you are new to marriage, in 7-10 years people get bored with their spouse and a different spouse starts to become very interesting. Segregation lowers the requirement from "I want the best guy/girl I've ever seen" to "I want a guy/girl" because you can't see any others. And even if you choose not to leave your spouse the knowledge of something better detracts from what you have. It's like having an iPhone 15 only to then meet an iPhone 16 in two months. Your iphone 15 is still good but now it feels as if it's not as good. Women and men age and the younger ones start looking better. This is what segregation does, it's like you never know an iphone 16 was ever released and you remain happy with what you have.

            Men protecting women is a command, women requiring permission to leave is not. The responsibility of taking care of a child that your daughter had falls to her husband. If she was raped then what? You cannot making the male rapist get pregnant and hold the responsibility for raising the child, you cannot hold an irresponsible boyfriend with no money for paying to raise the child. With these issues some men impose women needing permission to leave. It works for the societies they are in and flexibility may work in societies where people behave themselves.

            Islam is not against doing anything that is fun. It is against you wasting your time but that is completely up to you. If you want to waste your time in fun because you need it then that's the level you have achieved and that's ok. You may never achieve a level of faith where you are 100% productive. But to waste all your time in fun to the point you do not obey, and then show up on the day of judgement with nothing? Then you will get this:

            https://quran.com/46/20

            And the Day those who disbelieved are exposed to the Fire [it will be said], "You exhausted your pleasures during your worldly life and enjoyed them, so this Day you will be awarded the punishment of [extreme] humiliation because you were arrogant upon the earth without right and because you were defiantly disobedient."

            If you have more cases and I'm around I'll try to respond. Many people feel as you do that laws should change for the times. But this is the command of Allah, it is a direct order that you cannot substitute with that is something of your own will.

      • SVS,
        First of all, I absolutely don't think people should date at 17-21 years old. People should date when they are ready to get married, and 17-21 is waaay too early to get married in my opinion. Hell, it's not even legal to get married here at 17.

        Second of all, as I mentioned in my post, I only think dating should be for people that CAN control their urges. I also wrote that if people that can't control their urges insist on dating, they should always hang out in groups or in public places to prevent boundary crossing.

  32. Salam,

    This is what you're looking for:
    http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=17&verse=32
    Pickthall: And come not near unto adultery. Lo! it is an abomination and an evil way.

    Your level of faith will determine what is considered coming near to adultery. There are steps you have to take to get to adultery, the first is just talking and liking each other. Next, once you talk enough and fall in love then it will become a whole lot easier to commit adultery. Many people at the love stage convince themselves that they're already committed to each other so that must be the same as being married, even though they're not married.

    Other than the Islamic part you are already getting invested in him and him in you. It's time to involve the parents and see if this relationship can go to marriage otherwise the more invested you get the more difficult it will become to get over it if a marriage does not happen.

Leave a Response