Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He wants me to follow his haram desires

cheating affair husband

Asalamwalekum,

I am a married for a period of one year now, from mashallah a good respectable family background. Currently staying away from my family in abroad . I am the only kid to my parents and my parents are pretty old now.

I  found that my husband is using social networking sites like FB, GTALK, SKYPE to get in touch with other women. When i learnt this for the first time i had discussed this with him and he apologised for doing so and even second time also when i caught him he said he will not repeat and he promised on his parents, this time i was sure that nothing would happen since he has promised on his parents and i know that he respects them.

But now of late i found that every time he crosses his limits to extreme, now is using the same social networking site not only to date but also seeking for a sexual relationship. I was very shocked and hurted to know this, but yet i did not loose my temper ( he was not aware i knew that i am spying him) and spoke to him so that he can speak his heart, he says that we need to add spice to our married life and we should do something different and says we have to have cam sex, couple swap, threesome and he wants me to accompany him with his wild and haram thinking. I was literally horrified and asked him would he feel good if i bed with someone , he says for fun it is fine.

I am very hurted is this the same person whom i married .....I told him that i would not accompany him with his thoughts firstly because my Islam would not encourage this and secondly because of my values and ethics what my parents have imbibed me. He says that i am not supportive and would be force to do things alone. And again when i checked his account he is dating again on these sites with women saying that he just got divorced and no more a couple and want to experience threesome.

I dont know what to do, i love him a lot and he is also good to me but cheating me from behind. Every time i forgive him he is crossing his limits, till now doesnot know that i secretly having count on what he does because i want to know inspite of me warning him is their any impact. Now i am seeking your advice what should i do:

  • Should i tell him that i was spying him and happen to read his account and undesrtand what he wants from our married life now- But doing so i feel he would apologise again and change his PW and continue doing so again and i would not know the truth later.But still seek your suggestion on this...
  • Secondly should i get away from this marriage.
  • Thirdly should i involve this parents to take it foward...but for that i need to back to my country and show his parents the truth. Because he is very smart enough and cheating his parents as well and they have a very good impression about their son. But after this please advice me as i dont know how good relation we would have later because by disclosing this sensitive issue in front of his parents this would surely hurt his ego.
  • Or should i accept what he is doing and leave with it and agree what he says just to save my marriage.

I am really clueless and very hurted, why this happens to people who are good and only expects true love and caring.Now i am also worried thinking that how my parents would react after knowing all this, should i tell them?

Looking foward to hear from you soon..

Jazakallah..

Hurted Wife

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25 Responses »

  1. Walaikum assalaam,

    Sis, I hate to say this...but if you don't have children, you may want to exit this relationship fast. There are other brothers available, as this one is causing emotional, sexual, and spiritual harm to you. Not to mention, if he is having these desires that make him forsake his religion and wife, then what good is he to you? You don't know how far he's gone, and who he has gone there with. Men would never accept this behavior from women, so why do we stay in these toxic relationships? He is committing zina of the eyes, tongue, and who knows what else. What if he gave you a disease? He is already threatening to have sex without you in haraam relationships with kuffar women. He is already confessing to you he will not be a good husband unless you commit zina with him with other couples. That is gross and unbefitting a practicing muslimah. Shaitan has got a strong hold on him, and your tears won't help him.
    To be as Islamic as possible, you should consult the Imam at your nearest masjid, demand counseling. I would be careful about telling him you snooped. He lies about changing, so you may want to just ask for a khula to protect yourself from his harm. May Allah make it easy for you and correct all of your affairs.

    Love,

    Me...

  2. Husna, As-salamu alaykum. You need to divorce this man. I don't say this lightly. I know divorce is a serious thing. But this man is spiritually sick, and he does not have the character of a Muslim. His behavior is sick even by the standards of the disbelievers.

    You should go back to your parents, tell them the truth, and divorce this man. There is no need to tell everything to his parents, unless they ask.

    You asked why such things happen to good people. It's unfortunate that this happened to you. Everyone is tested in a different way in this life. Some are tested by hunger, some by tragedy or the loss of loved ones, and some by failed relationships. The important thing is always to keep Allah in mind, be devoted to Him, and behave like a true Muslim.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. RUN..!!!! sister, if you were to have children What kind of role model would he be. just RUN out that door,

  4. Praise be to Allaah.

    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my beloved sister in islam,

    I ask Allah swt to keep you steadfast.

    "My Lord! The Lord of the Seven Heavens and The Lord of the great Throne, our Lord and The Lord of all, The Creator of plants and trees: I seek refuge in You from the evil of all creatures; You are the First; Nothing is before You. You are the Last; Nothing is after You." (Muslim)

    Husna before i give you my humble advice i want you think about a few things:
    -does your home symbolise a devoted muslim family house?
    -is Allah swt mentioned a lot in your house?
    -do you listen to Quran in your house?
    -is the prophets (pbuh) sunnah embedded in your house?
    -do you and your husband attend islamic lectures/gathering?
    -do you and your husband pray, fast, give zakat etc?
    -do you and your husband ever sit down and talk about your faith, e.g. give each other advices about certain issues concerning islam?
    -do you attend islamic class?
    -do you visit the mosque in a regular basis?
    -do your friends remind you of Allah swt?
    -do you know your husbands friends? are they a good company?

    Allah swt says: "Whatever reaches to you of good, is from Allah, but whatever befalls you of evil, is from yourself " [al-Nisa’ 4:79]

    I am reminding you of this verse only to allow you to track back your steps to see what lead you and your husband to this stage, you can get a divorce and this might seem to be the ideal thing to do but getting a divorce might not be the ultimate solution. as much as you describe your husband no one will know him better then you if you think there is a little hope he might change one day then you take that chance but and only if it doesn't cause any harm to your emaan. therefore you need to focus to better yourself as a muslim better your relationship with Allah swt, supplicate to Him, cry and ask Allah swt to help you in this calamity wake up for fajr, pray your prayers on time, listen to Quran/recite it, allow your house to be filled with noor and barak. make dua for your husband, wake him up to pray with you, tell him to lead you in prayer.

    This test could be a wake up call from Allah swt to turn to Him!!

    Both you and your husband need to attend islamic classes to learn more about your religion.
    Speak to your husband and ask him what is it thats making him turn to such evil acts and commiting such major sins, ask him if his happy with your relationship in bed (this might be hurtful but its always good to bring things to light) how can you better or spice your relationship..ask a shiekh what is lawful and what isn't lawful to do.

    In the end if your husband continues and does not listen to you then by all means leave him because wallah you do not want the father of your children to be such a person.

    May Allah swt make the road to Him easy for you, and May Allah swt put hidayah in the heart of your husband!

  5. If you don't have to tell his parents, I wouldn't. He might have them fooled too well and they might not believe you.

    You should *definitely* leave the marriage! His behavior is injurious not only to you feelings and your marriage, but it can potentially be hazardous to your health. I you willing to get AIDS or some incurable std for this guy? I hope not. I'm not even sure if he's lawful to you at this point. The pure for the pure and the impure for the impure, right? And do you really want to deal with any illegitimate kids he could have from any of the random chicks he bangs?!

    If you're leaving anyway, I doubt it makes a difference if you tell him you were spying on him.

  6. Salaams. . . . Sister, u ve come here for advice and mashaallah u ve received many positive response to ur questions. . . U should leave that man asap because he does'nt deserve someone like u. . . . Narrate everything to ur parents and if possible his parents. . . Leave this man asap b4 it becomes too late. .

  7. my sister, i dont really kno if ur husband is a Muslim..if he's not, u have to leave him..he's possessed..but if he's a Muslim, tak him to a respectable Muslim leader, probably one of those present at ur nikkai and relate d whole story to him..but u av to see dis person first b4 then..dats about d 2nd chance..get ur parents involved too..if symptoms of bad behaviour happen again, then u av to stop loving him..u shud love a man for Allah's sake alone, not because he's handsome or rich..and make sure u do ur Istikhara regularly on dis issue to seek Allah's guidance..
    Just be sure u're not going to loose, whichever way it turns out thereafter,even if u leave him..u'll get a BETTER MAN, just beliv in Allah.
    -Bashir

  8. I say leave the marriage. Your sexual desires are too different & they will always be different. He will always want "more" & you will feel wrong trying to please him by doing things you don't enjoy or believe in.

    I probably wouldn't tell his parents w/o his permission. No sense in ruining their relationship, I think this would only devastate your husband. His parents judgements will shame him but ultimately they will not & can not change his desires. Besides, his parents might side with him & then where would you be?!

    Find a husband who wants the same marital relationship you want. Find a man who wants monogamy too. I promise there are plenty. Just like there are women who want the kind of sex life your husband wants. I have a friend & her husband likes her to be with other men & she enjoys being with other men so that is what they do. I don't understand it, but it seems to work for their relationship...so far, at least. Only Allah knows the future.

    This is a legitimate reason to leave a marriage if you ask me, of course be sure you keep your reputation in tact & can say to friends & family that you tried everything it just couldn't work. In the U.S. this is called "irreconcilable differences," and it is considered a good enough reason to end a marriage.

    • Kate,

      I find your comment strange. This is because in other comments you have written, you appear to be have Allah close to your heart. But here in this comment - you have not condemned the filthy desires this man has at all. Instead you have implied/suggested that if any couple mutually agree to and materialise these filthy desires, then its ok - as long as they are happy.

      ***
      This man has disgusting desires and he wants his wife to engage in this haraam with him. Your friend maybe partaking in this, but it is absolutely haraam and if you do not condemn her actions and instead continue to befriend her, then you are supporting this disgusting behaviour as she is.

      Allah knows the future. He(swt) has also made clear to us what is halaal and haraam.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Thanks all for your response!!!!!

    Few days back i again had a discussion with my husband and expressed my opinion on the same. Now looks like he has stopped but just praying allah that he should leave this. But also having a doubt in corner of my heart that is he stopped because of Ramzan? hoping for the best from Allah, i want to try all the best possible ways to change him and bring him to right path. I love him the most, also cannot neglect the fact that we have spent very good and memorable moments together and even he loves me.

    To answer to one of the questions my brother asked, yes he is Muslim and not converted. He is muslim by birth and we recently did our Umraah together n Ramzan also.

    I am just praying Allah that he should change, is their any special prayer for improving husband and wife relationship? please suggest so that i can seek Allah's blessing.

    Regards
    Husna

  10. Sister the change has to come from him, HE needs to come back to the right path, how a husband can say such things to a wife iam sorry but reading your first post actually made me sick, may Allah reward your patience and understanding you are a better women than me.

  11. Oh my goodness.

    Honeslty, as someone else commented, he has already said that he will change, but ofcourse this is all false! dont you think he said that just because you caught him and questioning him?

    I would seriously think twice about staying with this man.

  12. This is an addiction, sexual responses come from the base level desires, once they are corrupted one can only get sexual arousal and satisfaction from certain thoughts. I have seen people who have come onto the straight path and yet, sexually they can only get aroused or satisfied from haram acts, once you enter the extremes its almost impossible to come back to normal. This is not your fault and....is most definitely something that happened a long time before you married him. Get out of it, or else you will become part of it, its a world of mind control and manipulation. How do I know...I am from that world. 🙁

  13. if there is nothing tying you down to this man, save yourself, NOT from him, but from Hell Fire, before it is too late. Someone once said, Sin is Sweet, but this sin, is addictive and it can be addictive from taking just a small taste. I will be held accountable on the day of judgement for what I type on here, and I say save yourself from the hell fire. This is something you don't want to play with.

    You cannot love this man more than you love Allah, and if your love for him doesn't allow you to leave, try playing ruqiyah ayats on him, he is in a state where his blood stream is the devils themepark, Rukiyah may help, even though it is normally for magic/jinn removal.

    imagine if you go ahead with his demands, and you are videoed? and the video's are sold? or put online? then what?the people involved in this business enjoy this, yet those with iman would rather die than go through what he is proposing. I would like to say follow your heart, but they will also say this to you, especially in a state of seduction. keep remembering Allah i everything you do.

    I'll post youtube rukiya link in the post below if the forum admin allow it.

  14. Ruqiyah : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zznyq688BD8&feature=related

    Also play surah Baqarah in your house. Just to be on the safe side.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

  15. Greetings

    I came across this forum because I was searching for threesome in Islam.
    Recently My girlfriend converted to Islam and I want to do the same, however like "Been There too" posted... I am of the addiction to sex, and find it very difficult to curve my addiction. I want to married my girlfriend however I don't want to do anything that would defy my newly found religion and in extension bring sin onto my "wife to be".

    We had threesome twice before but that was about a year ago and since then she found Islam and things changed. She is no longer the freaky girl that I knew but now I've be tempted to ask her if we can have another threesome.

    I did my search to see what people were saying about threesome as there would be the possibility that i will get tempted to bring this action in our marriage.

    • DBZ, First, a Muslim must only have sex with his/her spouse. Not outside of marriage. Second, a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man, so if you do not convert to Islam there's no way you can marry her.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salam aleykum B & Sisters

        I came across this forum, cause i am looking for a second wife to marry. Going through your comments, i am realising how selfish some women can be! Every single women wants to be the one and only, exclusive halal doll to her husband! What about mens right to marry a second wife? Most of the sisters advising this unfortunate sister will never accept another halal partner in their couple.
        Lets give a chance to this brother obviously addicted to adult stuff to come back to reality and leave fantasy world.
        My advice sister is for you to make istikhara ( prayer of advice) and second to remind your husband that anymuslim men who donnot feel jealousy for his wife and behave like those pervert swingers will never enter paradise.
        Please sisters and brothers dont talk about divorce as if you are talking about weather forecast!
        Divorce is a terrible thing! Anyone who never experienced divorce should think twice before pushing others to divorce and fear allah!
        Sister be patiente temptations are part of the deal we made to save our souls from hellfire!
        Just make duaa and talk openly and frankly to him as if you would talk to yourself if you were to be in the same situation.
        May Allah bless u and your husband
        Amin

  16. Assalamwalaikum sis as I read ur story I felt no floor under my feet I wish no women has a husband who not only cheats but even ask his wife to swap wit other men ridiculous actually my opinionto u is make him regret by leaving him alone for a while so he nos what he did and spoke was wrong make him know ur value Giv a gap don't go wit other man but just tel him u r interested in some man ignore him to the core don't feel bad for any thing he does care a dam about him b happy like u don't care he wil get the same feeling as u got in shaa Allah later wen he regrets u can tel him u were just wanting him to no how u feeling nd how u would hav felt he tells u it's k we need to add spice because he thinks u will never do so that's the reason he told u to hav it's k simply because he nos u will never do so but show it as u following his guidance he will shatter if he gets to no u doing the same as he is doing but u don't really do so but simply pretend like so till he is in ur position if this doesn't work sorry yo say u have to leave him Allah will Giv u a better person then u want try first option r just thinking of Allah leave him for sure Allah will present u someone who really is only urs but u need to leave him thinking of Allah

    • This is bad advice. What if he believes her pretense that she is with another man, and then tells her friends and family? Then her reputation is ruined and she is humiliated.

      In any case this post is four years old and hopefully the sister followed the advice I gave her at that time and divorced the man.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Assalamu alaikum,
    Maintaining this relation will be like promoting vice. Hence, Divorce is the only option left

  18. If you don't have a kid yet, get a divorce and start afresh. A man who's not protective and possessive of his own wife, what good he would be to his childrens? Keeping apart every haram halal also, is this a right thing to do? Like having desires for other woman when there is a loving wife in your own home? And does that means he loves you anymore? Beside, when you'll be having childrens, do you want them to be like him? Cause, Allah forbid, but some of his genes and character will obviously pass to them as they will be the child of "both of you". And would you want a role model for them like your current husband? What if you have a daughter and those thing from his father passes to her? That will be dangerous! So, you need to get a divorce and marry some other guy, who will obviously be better than him.

  19. Wa Alaikum Assalam
    Sister these types of desire in man not suddenly occur
    These types of desire generally occurs when someone is dreaming and fantisizing this types of life for long time by movies , article and chatting with someone who is already in this types of life style.

    For normal people it's weird to see his wife with someone else but for some it's pleasing to see wife enjoying with other .

    If I come to answer your questions my only answer is to always choose what Allah wants from you.
    Do not care what other think, what will happen if you reject proposal always do what Allah told us to do even by following Allah is our relationship break.

    Creste good relationship with Allah

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