Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I had Haram relationships with a boy; who threatens to disclose it to my family

unexistent relationship, shadows,

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am 21 year old Muslim girl and when I was 10 years old my family wanted to arrange a marriage with my cousin (aunt’s son) when I become 18. It didn’t work out because he was in jail and for some other reasons. 5 years ago when I was in high school I met this kid during Ramadan in the library. We started talking and became very close. Our families know each other from a long time ago. 1 year later when I was in my senior years; my mother heard rumours that we were talking and my mother took me out of school. I still kept in contact with him because I thought I was in love. In summer he went overseas but we still kept in contact; our telephone bill went up high and I had gotten into trouble again. My mother talked to him several times and that still didn’t stop us. I felt extremely bad for my mother but I couldn’t help it.

I kept asking Allah to help me; I prayed and prayed then, he came back and we got in contact again. This time I would go and see him in person and it lead to sexual things which I am very ashamed of (I really feel guilty, Alhamdullilah I am still a virgin though). Every time we saw each other we did something sexual, I regret it so much and hope that Allah will forgive me and my family for what I did Insha Allah. Then the next summer came; I went overseas but it didn’t stop us from talking and I got caught up once again. My mother gave me mixed signals; one day she would tell me to ask the boy to ask for my hand and she will be happy to accept but next day she will change her mind saying; he is 2 years younger than me. His mother and my mother don’t get along well and now my mother wants me to marry my cousin (mother’s side). When I said; I don’t want to marry my cousin; she says, it is haram; don’t say it as he is orphan (his father died).

I have made up my mind that I don’t want to marry any of these guys (my cousin and the boy I have been seeing for 5 years). But now, the kid I have been seeing for 5 years is very upset and will not leave me alone, whether it’s him passing from my house, calling or texting me or talking to my friends. Especially, one thing that really upsets me is that he is threatening me that If I don’t love him anymore then he will tell my family what we have been doing together. I don’t want to let my family down; I don’t want to let Allah down (even though I already have which I truly regret and Insha Allah hope that; He (swt) will forgive me.

Now I do not know what to do? Please I need your advice on what to do? Please don’t judge me on what I did, I really feel guilty.


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8 Responses »

  1. ASA sister!
    Dont let anyone make you feel like you have to do something for them in order for them to "cover" up something you did! This guy is just using you... he knows you are scared and will use any little thing to keep you with him! Make him know that you are not scared! Tell him that! Cut any contact with him... Be strong and if you have to come clean with your family!! I hope my advice somehow works. Take care

    Your sister ,
    Amira 🙂

  2. As salamu alaykum, sister Yasmin,

    Thank you for sharing, it seems to me you have everything clear in your head now, Alhamdulillah.

    There is a post where you will find a beautiful, excellent reply from Sister Z, will be of help insha´Allah.

    I am noone to judge, I will advice you to turn to Allah(swt) in the most sincere way that you can and try to look for Allah(swt)´s guidance.

    You have a link on tawbah on top of the page, will help you insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María Editor

    • Sister Yasmin, what worries you the most is the fact of this man talking to your family, in the worst of the cases, Allah(swt) forbids if he does it, your family will turn to you to ask for the truth, once you have broken you relationship, you have done tawbah, true repentance and you stop sinning, your past should be between you and Allah(swt), but the fact here is that what is done is done, and you cannot stop living because you fear this man.

      If he talks, assume the consequences, but be strong and firm about keeping yourself straight and not communicating with him anymore, only this way you will let all this situation be a part of your past, insha´Allah.

      This man will understand that you aren´t the same woman you were before, stay strong sister and don´t give up to his threatenings, insha´Allah.

      Fear Allah(swt) more than you fear this man, and trust Him(swt) overall, insha´Allah.

      María Editor

  3. well if the boy tells your family, you deserve it. You lead this boy on for 5 years and then out of no where you say that's it I don't wanna love you. I'm not judging you, its just the truth. Try to get engaged with your cousin, sometimes loves comes after

  4. Assalamu alaykum,

    What is done is done. Now what?

    * Turn to Allah in true repentance, as you did already and even more.

    * Read the Qur'an a lot, try to understand it and even more, try to live it's teaching in life.

    * Fear Allah and not the guy.

    * Try to become a good striving Muslima.

    * Remain chaste until marriage - Insha Allah - whomsoever Allah marry's you to.

    * Keep seeking refuge of Allah from Shaytaan who is always laying traps to turn us away from Allah.

    Take all this seriously. Insha Allah you'll be fine.

    Your brother.

  5. s.A sister..
    im sorryy to hear this.. i am also in a similar situation.
    i had been going out with a guy for a year.. but broke it off.. because i relaised what i was doing.. was completely haraam and wrong. but aswell as this.. i do believe that this deinetly happened unknowlingly. and the reason for this is the shaytan.
    i am also in a difficult situation becuase, becfore i started dating him.. i reallyy and i mean i reallyy liked my cousin.. like completely loved him.. but i hear one or two things that he did.. which got me upset.. but they were that extreme.
    but because of this.. i think it lead me to being angry and upset.. and because of this emotional feeling of mine.. i ended up doing something really bad. and that is going out with another guy which was a friend. for a year. i feeel completely and totally asshamed of my self.. and i hope ALLAH (swt) can forgive me for my sin. I try avoiding it day by day, but sometimes in comes back in the form of ' I REGRET' it soo much.
    But now i found out that the cousin that i have loved.. was innocent all along.. now i am talkin to him.. because i know he is the one and i truly do love him and only will.. but i am in a dillemma. do i tell him about the 1 year dating relationship that i had.. or not?
    i i do tell him does, will it cause any other problems?
    i reallyy do regret going out with this guy.. but i seriously don't even know how it lead to a year... please help me..
    i need advise..
    please.. do i take my self as to being a slag?
    or should i just avoid the past and try to forget about it.. and act like nothing like that has ever happened.
    and never tell the cousin that i love. because we will be getting engaged sooon.
    i reallyyy love him though. but do i take this as cheating on him?
    because he lives in pakistan and i live in the uk. and we had no contact whatsoever for upto 5 years.. and this 1 year relationship happened between the 3rd-4th year .. from the 5 years i had no contact with my cousin.
    please help me.
    thank you for your time.

    • As salamu alaykum sister An,

      Please log in and ask your question as a separate post.

      María Editor

  6. Your story is so similar like mine but I met my guy online on skout and we talked for like a month or two and then he said he wanted to meet me so I called him and we met eventually the thing is I never actually had a bf he was my first and I was so excited that I found a guy who loves me and is white and American Arab cause I am south Asian well we caught hands and he touch me like inappropriate places like thighs n all n he kissed my hand n my my forehead and we hugged n eventually we kissed French kiss I did all this when my patents weren't here in the country n eventually my brother caught us and then we broke up and then I realised that he was a player never serious about me and I became depressed used to cry for no reason I stayed like that for like for four months and then I got over it and now alhumdillah Allah is guiding me to the right path sisters and brothers stay away from all this it's the Shayatan who tells you do to this all things we are Muslims and we shouldn't do what Shayatan says us rather we should be strong and hold steadfast the rope of straight path and obey Allah and ask for Hannah and that Allah protect us from the punishment of grave and from the punishment of fire kaha am Ameen

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