Islamic marriage advice and family advice

It’s so hard to find good Muslim men if you’re me

Crying Muslim Woman

I'm currently 15. Yes I know that's young but before you make your judgements, I've always wanted to marry at age 18. I love the idea of getting married early because it just feels right, and I want to complete half my deen early, is that wrong?

Anyway, the reason why I'm looking for a good muslim boy to marry at this age now is because it will give me time to create a friendship with him first then marry him. I go to a girl's school so it's so hard, I never even talk to boys because I don't really know any. And the boys of 15-18 are either taken by other girls, non-practicing, unislamic or just marry girls that are from their country.

Many girls who wish to get married at 18 who are muslim too can find a guy so easily. but with me it's so hard.

I'm a british born black girl,  and I was never taught any language apart from english so I don't know any arabic or any language from my parents. My parents are Ugandan and many people who consider marrying me would love to, but due to their parents only wanting girls from their country, I'm just pushed aside like I don't belong.

Love has no color, but many traditional parents don't seem to understand that. Most of my family is christian. My dad, sister and I are the only muslims in our family because my dad converted to islam when I was a baby and I was born muslim.

But then it's like no one cares how much of a good muslimah you are anymore, if you're not from a certain place or if you're not white or asian or arab it's like you're pushed aside. I don't practice my tradition because I just like religion only, and when people divert to their culture things end up becoming less easy. It's hard being a black muslimah and having parents from Uganda because there's like no one like me. It's really rare. No one even recognizes your iman, it's only your skin color or nationality.

I just wish to meet someone who will like me for me. I'm quite lightskinned for a black, so I get mistaken for arab but then when I say I'm not it's like no one cares anymore. And many parents only want people from richer countries, and Uganda used to be one of the 5th most poorest countries in the world. Anyone, pray for me please.


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5 Responses »

    because it will give me time to create a friendship with him first then marry him
    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
    As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
    Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.

    All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?

    He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
    Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
    The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
    And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
    So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
    The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
    Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.

  2. AsSalaamu Alaikum Little Sis,

    I understand completely your focus on marriage. I was the same way when I was your age. I think it's normal. Insha'Allah, Allah will bless you with a good husband and in the time that is best for you. You mentioned the issues you are having in looking for a husband. It seems like there is only one thing that is really hurting you since you wouldn't really consider the "boys either taken by other girls, non-practicing, (or) unislamic." It sounds like the real trouble you are facing is the unfortunate prejudice that we encounter among Muslims. I know it hurts to see yourself as one of the Family, the Ummah, and just like the other girls, but to be seen by some people as an outsider. I understand the need to be loved and to belong is very strong, and rejection and being ignored is very painful. These are growing pains. Take the good lesson from it, and let it make you stronger and better, without compromising your Deen and your dignity as a young Muslimah in the slightest.

    We always say Islam is perfect, Muslims are not. It is true. And since Muslims are not perfect, and they are battling sins like the rest of the world, you cannot rely on them for a sense of completion. Even though you know someone is your brother or sister, because of the state of their heart they may not recognize you as their sister. You will see it many times over the course of your life. This is probably not the first time you have been disappointed by human nature. The lesson and the benefit in these disappointments is to draw you closer to Allah. The true love and completion you are seeking is in your worship of Allah. Go to Allah with all the love you have in your heart for your future husband. You will find your happiness waiting for you with Him, and He will give you your perfect man, Insha'Allah, when the time is right. And the blessings of Allah are gifts that exceed our imagination.

    In the meantime, stay consistent and devoted in your Ibada (worship). Close your eyes to the girls and boys who are dating. The path they are walking is the path to destruction. Everything Brother Youssuff wrote above is true, and worth further study. Look for the Sisters who are dedicating themselves to obtaining the pleasure of Allah. The fact that you do not talk to boys is something for you to be proud of and maintain. Keep it up. It is like you have gold, but you don't know what it is, so you don't understand its value. Do not mix with boys and maintain your chastity-hold on to that metal, until you have the opportunity to realize the value of the gold you possess. You are in a good position. Stay there.

    May Allah bless our parents who converted to Islam, and raised us in this beautiful religion......I know it can be hard to be the daughter of a convert. While many of your friends have an entire network in their native country through which marriage is made easy, it is very hard to know if your parents know what to do to help you get married, or if they even know that they should help you. My first and favorite lecture series on marriage in Islam is Fiqh of Love: Marriage in Islam, taught by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. Maybe after listening, yourself, you can share it with your Dad. He may even have to buy it for you since I have never seen it for free online. It is worth the cost.

    Also, I don't know much about Uganda, and I know you said you are British born, but you should look into the history of the spread of Islam in the African continent. I am ashamed to tell you that I don't know much about it, but Insha'Allah I won't be ignorant for long. I do know that the history of Islam in Africa is rich, and something to be proud of. Knowledge of your heritage and cultural claim to Islam (even if your Dad converted) can help to strengthen you against ignorance and racism. Faith in Allah is the greatest strength.

    You are in a good place, Little Sister. Stay there. Stay away from boys. Educate yourself. Surround yourself with young sisters who have the correct focus PLEASE. I love you for the sake Allah, my young sister in Islam.


  3. Brother, Ali Yousuff, to say that she’s making her own Islam is too much and extreme.

    Mashallah sister , you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, for being so young.
    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking marriage at a young age, especially if one is trying to keep themselves out of haram behaviors; you just might be too young. I understand your reasoning for trying to look for a husband now, so that he’s there when you’re ready for marriage. However, that’s pretty much another way of paraphrasing dating, which is haram. You might counter my point by saying that you’re a strong muslimah and hopefully you won’t make mistakes in this “friendship”, but humans are weak and flawed. My advice to you is to focus on your education, and deen, and pray for a respectful Muslim man.

  4. AsSalamu Alaikum my little sister,

    If not because you mentioned that you are 15, I would have assumed that you are far older than 15, and this is because your thinking about your Deen is very strong, Masha Allah. Keep it up, and may Allah assist you!

    I understand your intention is good about getting married soon, but as I can see that others are advising you to wait a little more. However, I can see the wisdom behind the waiting. Perhaps, you could have much time to focus on both your secular and Islamic education, especially on your Ibadah (worship) side.

    You may need much time to learn to understand well, about your purpose of life, and what roles and responsiblities are for you in your future marriage home, in addition to what your rights are (knowing your rights is very important). This may take you few years to achieve Insha'Allah.

    I think getting married between the age of 18 and 21 isn't bad. Just make sure that while you are trying to improve yourself through your Islamic and secular education, you are at the same time improving yourself in your Ibadah, and praying to Allah for a good pious Muslim husband in the future. And I believe that if you continue this way without going near boys in any haram relationships, Allah will suprise you when the right time comes Insha'Allah.

    Allah the Almighty says in the Holy Quran, "…And whoever fears God—He will make a way out for him (or her). And will provide for him (or her) from where he (or she) never expected. Whoever relies on God—He will suffice him (or her). God will accomplish His purpose. God has set a measure to all things…..Whoever fears God—He will make things easy for him (or her)."
    (Quran 64: 2-4)

    This is just what I suggest for you my Sister, May Allah be with you, and may He bless you with the most handsome pious Muslim brother in the future, and may He grant you delight in your future husband and children, and make you a good example for the righteous, Ameen, Ameen, Ameen!!!

    Allah swt says in the Holy Quran:

    "And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us delight in our spouses and our children, and make us a good example for the righteous.” Those will be awarded the Chamber for their patience, and will be greeted therein with greetings and peace. Abiding therein forever—it is an excellent residence and destination. Say, “What are you to my Lord without your prayers? You have denied the truth, and the inevitable will happen.”
    (Quran 25: 74-77)

  5. Walikum Salam.....

    Well, sister I know how it feels to be neglected by people and all that...... And I really love the idea of getting married early because you get to enjoy your young and enjoyable years with your life partner and all.

    In sha ALLAH ul aziz You'll find true Islamic hubby 🙂 when it's the right time

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