Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Finding it hard to forget and move on the early years of our marriage

as salaamu alaikum.

i have been married for  almost 7 years alhamdullilah  but, i am finding it difficult to understand my husbands love as he never gave me a very good impression of himself at the beginning year or years of our marriage. im from the uk and originally wanted to marry in this country but my family suggested we just broaden our options and go abroad. alhamdullilah, i was very practicing at the time, never had a boyfriend in my life, was a shy girl and saying no to a man came easily from my mouth altho at times my heart probably knew that not all of them were bad and i wanted to say yes to at least 1 of them.

my dad had religious connections and found a man who was not only an alim but a hafiz/qari. i married him with the intentions to learn more about my deen and better myself so ultimately get a higher station in paradise with him??? i had a lot of love togive and to be honest i only knew my imediate family all my life and had a few friend so was also excited to have "relatives" and also be loved as i went through most of my life with a rough hard shell because of the trials life brought me. i knew little religious knowledge about intimacy in marriage as i had no source to learn though and was too shy to ask so i didnt think it would matter if i married a religoius man as he would teach and guide me and tell me what to do. but he never. he never encouraged or encourages me with any aspects of religion altho he's happy to guide others. in the 7 years my husband has not listened to my quran recitition ever even tho i mentioned it to him several times and told him in the 1st month of marriage if he could make me a qari which he said he would. he hasnt.

on the first night of our marriage he made reference to why something was the way it was with my  body which knocked my confidence and made me think i wasnt the first girl he has seen naked. in the first week of marriage whenever his phone would ring he would joke and say its his girlfriend. i didnt laugh. it made me think "what have i done?". ever since i was 4 my dad would make sure me and my sister didnt mix with guys so not many people even women have seen me altho my dad is well known in  the community. so after my wedding my husband would make me greet his male friends altho i told him i didnt want to and was not comfortable or happy to and have never in all my life been infront of men.

i felt disrespected and it made me think even more and doubt if he loves me or is going to love me ever. after three weeks my parents and myself were due back to britain but my husband insisted i stay and i told him if i stay what would i do and what about his religious works, would he have the time for me? he said that he would take me to exotic locations in the country and mentioned several and said that he will take time off work becase he can. i stayed for four months in the country and my husband did not take me to any of the locations except one local one which i feel i threatened him to. he also did not give me priority over his work. he left me in the village with his family and even sometimes when he was with me, he'd leave because someone else needed him or cut me off when im talking about my hurt to answer his mobile.

at the begining of the marriage after the 1st week i wanted to test my husband and see how he was with money so i gave some of my money to look after but just befor my parents left he brught gifts for my siblings with it and made it look like it was with his money. i at this point distrusted him very much and requested my parents infront of him to sent some of my money thru my cousin sisters account as i wont get th money if they send it thru his. he laughed it off and assured me he will infront of my parents and as soon as he sees the money he will put it straight into my hand. he never, even after i begged him as i wanted to buy some stuff including stuff for his parents and nephews and nieces. he even tried to shut me up by telling my own mother in law that i keep asking for money and left luaghing.

I straight away tld my mother in law that its my own money that i was asking for that he promised to give me. may i also note that my mother in laws mental state is child-like after a stroke she had in the past so she could have mad me look bad or interpret it wrong or fall ill. but alhamdullilah, my mother in law was concerned and told one of her children and then he said that he will give me half of it now and rest later but that later was just before i had to leave and so used that money again to buy stuff for my family in this country so it looked like it was with his money. he also can talk hours on end with other women over the phone yet with me he has nothing to say even when i moved back to the u.k. and we were on different ends of te planet. he'd talk max 5 minutes. i didnt feel like a couple in love.he doesnt talk to other women anymore but i feel like the damage is already done.

whilst i was abroad in that four months my husband had an ankle problem. he asked me for a massage and i tld him after our nap i'a will. he got up after he couldnt sleep and i heard him telling his mum about it and she suggested a women give him a massage. he went with this women by himself in the hut opposite the house and was getting his whole leg massaged. i went in and saw and was disgusted as it was just haram and the way that i was brought up, what i witnessed was near enough to committing zina. i was disgusted and immediately asked to go to the city and stay there. i felt bad for my father in law as he kept saying dear, forgive us if we have done anything wrong. my father in law died five months after my wedding and i do truely love him and my mother in law like my own parents. my father in law loved me like his favourite daughter and its also becuase of them and the rest of the family and also the fear of allah (swt) that i tried to have sabr and stick it out.

after i came back my father in law passed away, my big sister who was like my twin fell gravely ill and died from a illness in her stomach which spread to her eyes also her cancer came back and spread. it was a testing time for us all and i stayed with my sister for a whole month before she passed away and never left her side. i slept in a chair and altho i knew she couldnt see i would hide and eat and cry as she was not alowed to eat and i felt guilty and only ate to keep my stregnth up to look after her. may allah forgive me as i still am gilt ridden over it and over denying her her favoutite food she wanted as i knew it would bring her death nearer. allah put me through a testing period. after her death i was left with her little orphan children to bring up which sadly and ironicaly was a dua me and my sister made a few years ago, to look after an orphan. they call me mum and my husband dad, he loves them without reserve alhamdullilah. becuase of this i also learned to supress my other negative feelings.

After my sisters death my sisters ex's family wanted to take the kids for their financial means and also to get visas in to the country as one of my kids has a long standing illness and is reciept of government allowance for the illness. i fought a court battle for 3 years on my own with my husband working in a diferet town through most of it. i was a mad woman and thought i was super woman and did all the jobs of a mother, a father and a wife whilst my husband watched all this and didnt offer or insist on doing duties that couldve made things easier for me. i went through the idea of loosing the kids and it would bring fear into me. i found it hard to read my namaz, bath or do anything except beg allah through my heart to make things better. my husband is not aware of it but i have been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and recently have decided to talk to my doctors about it and recieve professional help. i am getting closer to allah but everytime im around my husband i feel futher away from my deen. his stuff becomes priority, his bath, his food, his namaz, everything has to revolve around his and the kids timetable. i pray eshaa and read quran and i sincerely repent for what i lack in the evenings as by then my husband is in bed.

we have bust ups becuase of the past stuff i cant filter out and i dont know how. i want to love my husband but we have been living the past 7 years like room mates with benefit. i have started talking more and more about how important it is for me to feel loved and that i want to feel secure in all aspects and not be the one worrying on my own about everything. recently he told me during an argument that he loves me with all his life and he didnt realise how it touched my heart and almost felt like it was going to turn to honey. my husband is a good man who does things selflessly and would help anyone out and has helped my family so much but i would like a slice of that love everyday and the more days that are going by the more i feel he has to make up for the previous ones. i know im probably wrong in my thinking but the home is the foundation and charity should start from home.

i live with so many forms of guilt everyday that im getting lost and i feel like the last person i can turn to is my husband as he seriously is from  a diffent planet i feel. i wish to turn to allah and i want to be devouted to him yet i want to feel close to my husband. how do i do this? i feel like i made a huge sacrifice and i knew i could have gotten the love through my other marital offers i had but i also wanted the deen side and in a way i feel starved off both. am i being punished for saying no to my other marital offers or no to this one guy i felt immediate attraction too? i really feel bad and im really sorry for all the people ive hurt intentionally and unintentionally. please can anyone give me any good advice on how i can make my husband be more supportive and loving for the sake of our dunya, graves and for the sake of our akhira????

may allah bless and guide us all and make things easy for everyone. aameen.


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6 Responses »

  1. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu..

    You said that " i feel like i made a huge sacrifice and i knew i could have gotten the love through my other marital offers i had but i also wanted the deen side and in a way i feel starved off both. am i being punished for saying no to my other marital offers or no to this one guy i felt immediate attraction too? "

    you say - > i knew i could have gotten the love through my other marital offers how do you know ?

    SubhanAllah, you say that you have been married for almost 7 years, and you can still remember that one guy whom you said NO.

    What if those guys who came to propose you for marriage were just not good for you. ?
    Allah knows best about them. I can't judge them.

    Sister in Islam, you should know that many guys seem to look very innocent and of good character before marriage but only after getting married they show their true colors.

    Sister in Islam, be thankful to Allah. Allah loves us. Allah knows what is good and what is bad for us.
    This life is temporary. May be your husband was better than those guys who came to propose you.
    Allah knows best.

    You need to stop thinking about those marital offers that you had got. This could be the wishpers of the Shaitan.

    Allaah warns us against obeying the Shaytaan, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “O Children of Adam! Let not Shaytaan (Satan) deceive you, as he got your parents [Adam and Hawwa’ (Eve)] out of Paradise

    [al-A’raaf 7:27]

    Because the enmity of Shaytaan towards mankind is so clear and obvious, Allaah tells us to beware of him and to declare war on him and to show enmity to him, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Surely, Shaytaan (Satan) is an enemy to you, so take (treat) him as an enemy. He only invites his Hizb (followers) that they may become the dwellers of the blazing Fire

    [Faatir 35:6]

    Allaah has told us to seek refuge with Allaah from the outcast Shaytaan every time we think of sinning. He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And if an evil whisper from Shaytaan (Satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allaah. Verily, He is the All Hearer, the All Knower

    [Fussilat 41:36]

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  2. salaam

    brother you have to understand that he put this dought in her minde

  3. ASA sister,

    i would like to say how sorry i am to hear about the death of ur beloved sister. May Allah grant her jannah and re-unite u with here in the hereafter. ameen!

    I think you should forget the past, b4 marriage, and also the past of the initial years of ur marriage. AT the beginning all marriages have trouble.. its natural as its the time u truly find out who uve married, their moods, personality etc. The comment your husband made about your body, the massage he took, the money one is perfect and before marriage everyone has many expectations, that are often unrealistic (including u and ur husband)...but overtime, and as years go by real love sets in and i believe that he truly loves u now as u said urself..wen u love someone despite their imperfections etc...its real love..its easy to fantasies abt what cud have been might have been etc when ur unhappy in ur marriage...but sister don't let the shaitaan fool u...some of ur expectations haven't been u thought he wud be more 'pious' then he turned out to be but it wud be the same with whoever u married as there is no perfection in this world..there is much good in him..the way he loves ur sisters kids as his own..not many men wud do that..and now Allah has placed real love in his heart towards u...
    make sincere dua to Allah to place love in ur heart towards him and him towards u...make the most of this marriage and u will find what ur looking for...forget the past...all of it and live for the future..shaitaan is very clever and is making u miserable and whispering to u and reminding u of the past...dont let him overpower u...turn to Allah and work on ur marriage by making dua for it not against it.,..

    be well and take care

  4. Salam sister,

    I feel really sad to hear your story. Unfortunately it is a regular occurance, you never know the person until you have lived with them. I have heard of many sisters who have married men that appear to be religous and deeni, but later learn that they do not follow Islam properly. In your case it is disturbing that he is a 'qari' a very religous person and still communicates with non muslims and has massages by a women!! Is he only a qari for show.? Just to gain self respect from people?

    I myself married a man who appeared to be religous and of good character. I was not attracted to him but married him for deen and thought the marriage will be a happy one as he is religous, I have never also spoke to any guys or ever thought of having relationships just waited for a good husband. but how wrong I was. Later he did all the haram things imaginable.

    We cannot see anyones heart before marriage. We can only judge by what they appear as.

    But mashallah your husband isn't that bad. He has some good points too. You have lived with him for 7 years now. Forget about what happened in the past and focus on the present. The past will just bring you sorrow and resentment.

    Speak to your husband and let him know how you feel. Uphold your rights as a wife. It is his duty to clothe you and feed you. make it known to him. He is religous so show him the relevant ayats from the quran to show that it is your right. Help each other to be good muslims. If he talks to other women tell him its haram. Fight for your rights do not let him take advantage.

    I think the best way to see your husband is as an object. Do not expect anything back from him. That way you will not be hurt. We women are so emotional and have so much love to give and we sacrifice everything for our husband and would do anything for them, but sadly some men just give us a kick instead and don't care about their wives.

    Just love him for the sake of Allah. Make him happy for the sake of Allah, to seek rewards from Allah only. This life is temporary. maybe we should not seek any pleasure from this life or from our husbands. Instead use the husband as a means to get to paradise.

    I have heard many women in the olden days practised this. They hated their husbands as the husband was treating them badly and had no love for them. So the wife emotionally disengaged herself from the husband. She felt no love for him and did not expect anything from him. She just obeyed him for the sake of pleasing Allah. She used her husband as a wordly object in order to reach Jannat. That way she was never hurt as her ultimate mission was to please Allah. But this is very hard to do!

    I pray everything works out for you

  5. Assalamualaikum sister,

    Your intention was good and I pray that Allah Rewards you for it.

    To be honest, a practicing Muslim man would dream of a woman of the nature you mentioned of yourself. A woman who is religiously driven and would love to obey her husband, love him and even correct her Qiraa'ah from him. This sounds like a "dream girl", seriously!!!

    I am sad that your man has not seen the romantic part of you. Or perhaps he has a personality type that is slightly different from how you have understood him. Seven years is a time enough, but one misunderstanding may lead to loads others and the original intention or the original attitude may be buried under the pile of misunderstandings.

    It was WRONG on his part to introduce you to his male friends. Any practicing Muslim man would hate it, because his woman is his and he is jealous cncerning her. He has something called: Gheerah. Due to this, he protects his wife from any other man. It was also WRONG for him to have his legs massaged by a woman (I am supposing she was not his Mahram).

    What surprises me is: your post makes me think that your husband rarely gets angry. That is a very very good quality. This saves a person from a lot of problems.

    Sister, does he not provide you with food and clothing? If he does, then do not make his "loan" a big issue. You are his wife for a lifetime and you can take it back anytime.

    He seems a less romantic person, opposite to your personality. You can actually turn your charms on and make him feel romantic. Use the qualities Allah Has Given you to get from him what you expect. Allah Is with you, do not worry.

    Do not imagine things, that will lead to suspicion,.which will in turn lead to a lot of problems.

    And you know what, you are in a much better position that many of your sisters. Be thankful to Allah and be hopeful. Be optimistic... And never think that other options would have been better. No! This is the best because Allah Chooses for us what is best. We must be patient and compromize at times. We don't get everything we want, we get only what is good for us. Ans sometimes, in order to get what we want, we have to compromize on certain other things.

    I see that he does have some mistakes. The thing that is disturbing you is that he did not match your expectations. Sometimes, Shaitaan makes us forget and we donot be able to deliver on promises.
    When this happens, you should remind yourself and the person who has forgotten. When your husband promised to listen to your Qiraa'ah, he failed to deliver it. Take some time out when he is free, bring the Mushaf and recite to him. We also know of situations when Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam recited the Quran when he had placed his head in Umm al Mu'mineen 'Aaishah Radiyallahu Anha's lap.

    Insead of complaining, make best of what you can. In sha Allah, you both can together work towards the Jannah.

    Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allâh ﺻﻠﻰ اﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ said: ``May Allâh have mercy on a man who stood up to pray at night, and woke his wife up, and if she did not (wake up), he sprinkled water on her face (to wake her). May Allâh have mercy on a woman who stood up to pray at night, and woke her husband up, and if he did not (wake up), she sprinkled water on his face (to wake him).'' ( Abu Dawood - Hasan )

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  6. Wallah, I got tears In my eyes from reading your post about your sister because I have four sisters and I love them more then anything.insallah she is with Allah and a better place. Just please be there for her kids is so so sad losing a mother and leaving her kids behind. And about your husband give him a chance forget about the past you never know what about if u married someone else and he was worse? Just thank Allah for everything hr has giving you.

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