Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Has the sun already risen from the west for me?


Assalamualaikum WrWb,

I am Jasmine. I would like to ask a few questions and also I would like to tell my story here.

When I was a child, I don't remember exactly how old I was, a housemaid from my home used to tell me a lot of stories about sex. I wasn't actually understand everything she said but she used to gather a few children from my neighbour including me and tell us these things. I, as a child, like to listen these things as just stories. She use to do that for a very long period of time and I don't remember how many times that she did that to us. Now as I becoming an adult I am starting to understand that whatever she did to us was "child abuse". This abuse thing has a very huge impact in my life until now. I had these fantasies about sex in my whole childhood and adolescenthood. I had these imaginations about sex fantasies all the time. I always knew that I should not keep doing that but I never couldn't stop these imaginations which consuming me all the time. I had very few friends at school but I was always straight A student and always on top my class. At the same time, as I become an adolescent, I start to pray five times a day and I believe that this is what Allah give me to overcome these stupid fantasies. My family is not a religious family. As much as I pray Sholat five times a day, I still never able to overcome these sexual thoughts. If you look at me at that time, you will see me as a very bright child with great integrity. But I am not, I have this dark side of me, this dark side is so dark that I cover it up so that no one can see it. I also had this thought about suicide all the time and I was so sure that I will definitely kill myself if I didn't accept in a university that I want. I had all the planning about suicide but Allah saved me at that time and let me live.

I still remember the day that I decided to fulfill my sexual fantasies at the time I graduate from my high school. After the high school graduation, I got a scholarship which let me to study in abroad. I decided to come to this country and actually this country is a muslim country. And I meet a guy while I am in abroad. He was a nice guy and we met at a university. He was seemed to be a religious person but I was not sure if he had a dark side like me when we met. He had studied at a religious high school before he come to abroad. I was the one who started to seduce him to do Zina. We had a lot in common. At that time, I still praied five times a day and had a dark side meanwhile he is also seemed to be very religious student and probably had the same dark side like me. He is a man, and of course he would come to Zina when a girl like me seduce him. We did Zina on a daily basic for almost a year. We both know should stop doing that yet we never able to escape from zina. Before he met me, he used to tell his junior students to never go near Zina even if in a relationship, and he make sure every junior know how to be in a healthy relationship which Allah allow. But may be because of that Allah tested him through me. Allah let him meet me and see if he can be strong enough to withstand to Zina which he tell other people to not do. He failed. For me Allah tested me through him to see if I really fulfilled my fantasies. We both failed. We were so much in love when we meet but at the end of the relationship we hate each other so much. I hate him as much as he hate me. I swear I will not ever look at his face untill the judgement day where we both will be called to stand in front of Allah. We broke up after a few years and he married to a girl. For me, I couldn't study at my university, my grades are all falling and I had no friend at school which make me very depress. I leave school for two years and I also tried to kill myself by cutting my hand. Actually I cut my hand to punish me because I was so lonely, so depress and I couldn't think like a normal human being.

From the time I stared doing Zina, everybody around me, hates me. I can see that. I don't have a lot of friends but they never hate me like now. I am in a position where everybody treat me disgustingly, I alway had these embarrassing moments where people intentionally treat me like they never treat that to anybody in their life. Every religious person can't even stand me. Every person who suppose to love me turn out to hate me and disgust me. These are the punishment I am suffering right now.

It has been almost four years after the break up. I asked forgiveness from my God everyday and in every prayers. Now I pray five times a day and I wear hijab and cover my body. I am not in any relationship. I know the break up is the best thing that Allah give to both of us as a favour because we both couldn't stop doing Zina no matter how many times we promise to not do it again. Now I don't do any kind of Zina anymore. It has been four years I had been clean myself including the sexual fantasies. I go back to my university and continue my study. I am not sure that I will ever be loved again. I feel like the "break up" is the "rising sun from the west" for both us because we both still doing Zina untill the break up came to us. Allah exactly told us HE will not going to forgive anybody anymore once the sun rise from the west. There are also proofs that Allah didn't forgive Fir'aun who accept Allah at the end as he was drowning in the red sea. Mohammad (PBUH) also mention in a hadist that there will be a group of people who will exist at the time near at Kiamat. Allah will not forgive these people because they run from the war zone and leave Imam Mahdi alone in the middle of the enemies. Quran also mention that Allah will not forgive the people who had entered Hell no matter how they shout and cry for the forgiveness of Allah. Allah will just ignore them in Hell forever. So there are situations where Allah never forgive his servant.

So my question is

(1) is it that the sun has risen from the west for me? Because no matter how many time I cry for forgiveness, I am still being hated by everyone. I feel like it will last forever.

(2) is it possible for a muslim like me to walk away from the punishment of lash which I deserve? I wish I could be punished with lash or stone rather than being hated by Allah.

(3) will the people who do Zina like me will ever be forgiven and release from the punishment of Dunia like the shame I had now. Is there any example?

(4)what the punishment we can see in dunia for sinners like me?


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3 Responses »

  1. Allah forgives every sin. He loves the human who ask forgiveness .do touba and leave sins. Allah loves you. He loves you!

  2. Dear Jasmine,

    Please listen to this:

    Dear sister, you have repented to Allah swt and that's the only thing you should care about. As for people, take no heed. Live your life as a good muslimah. Do lots of humanitarian work - help the poor, help the old, help the orphans, he the disabled, help people. Because there are loads of people who needs your help. And trust me by being obedient to Allah swt and very kind to his Creations, Allah swt will In Shaa Allah shower you with contentment. Of course there will come moments that you may feel totally down and feel sorry for yourself but that's OK. Take it as opportunity to worship Allah swt more. Cry to Him and seek for his forgiveness. Allah swt is often forgiving. And in Shaa Allah you may feel content again and in Shaa Allah Allah swt will give you the best in hereafter for every tear of forgiveness you yearned from Him.

    Also sister, when a good Muslim brother comes along, marry him. Make family of your own with him, in Shaa Allah. And in Shaa Allah you will be a very good wife and amazing mother to your future kids.

    Don't give up. Continue focusing on your studies, worship Allah swt, help all Creations of Allah swt, get a job, get married and always be content, in Shaa Allah.

    Loads of love,

    - Me

  3. My heart cries for you sister. Put your trust to Allah, ask for forgiveness. He will forgive you coz he is the most merciful and he loves the one who asks for forgiveness. After all you were abused as a child. Allah will inshallah grant you his mercy and surprise you with his blesings. I will Dua for you.

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