He compares me to his ex-wife, I hate intimacy now
Salam alaikom, I am a young woman (24) who got married 8 months ago. I am a shy person and did not wish to speak to anyone about my problem face to face, so inshallah I hope to get some good advice about my problem on here.
I was a virgin when I married alhamdulilah and during these 9 months I have been unable to be fulfilled sexually by my husband and this is distressing me a lot. It was such a disappointment to me and he sees me as "not normal" because I am unable to clim*x. My husband was married before to a woman with whom he has a child, I accepted him based on his religion and compatibility with me and he always compared me out of frustration in the beginning to his ex wife, saying my ex never had this problem, women in general don't take this long to feel anything, you're not normal, you need to see a doctor etc and it put me down so much and depressed me. Bear in mind that his ex was not a virgin when he married her so the situations are different.
My only problem is not being able to enjoy sex, he has convinced himself that I have a problem,he is happy to just fulfill his needs and walk off and I have to accept this and believe that the problem is not with him. I have been patient and made dua for months now and it has got to the point where my iman is becoming weak.
I have spoken to him about how he makes me feel, but he really can't be bothered and gets so frustrated with me. I make the effort in beautifying myself for him often and it doesn't change anything. He can't even be that bothered with foreplay. I hate intimacy now, it's not fun and I don't look forward to it at all because instead of enjoying it with him, I feel so used. I resent him all the time for comparing me to his ex wife and how he was able to please her easily, especially because I love him so much and get so jealous over him. As a woman who saved herself for her husband, it has emotionally damaged and hurt me. Apart from this, he is great in every other aspect in our marriage and I am happy alhamdulilah.
Please note that I went for a medical examination and I have no medical or physical problems that could be the cause alhamdulilah. He always says he loves me so much (as I have questioned this many times). Please advise me on what to do I'd really appreciate it.
My 2nd dilemna is about the child he shares with his ex, she takes her child to his parents house where he sees him there under her supervision every 2 weeks (they divorced on very bad terms) and I am not allowed to be involved in this at all or to be there. His parents sit with him and his ex wife, however he doesn't see it appropriate that I be there incase it causes a problem and therefore I am not involved at all in the childs life. Is this ok? I mean is this something normal that I should accept and not get upset over or is this unacceptable for my husband to be like this? Jazakom Allah Khair I really hope you respond.
- rima
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Sister,
Your husband is wrong to compare you to his ex wife, especially in bed. Seriously, what human being...male or female for that matter wants to be compared to the ex? If you aren't reaching your clim*x, your husband needs to work a little harder or...maybe you aren't able to achieve it because of his constant comparisons and how it makes you feel. Further...if his ex was so great, why isn't he still with her?! All this said, don't give up on things just yet. Take initiative to go out on the weekends if you both can, stay at a hotel...make things fun for both of you. Let him know that you will not tolerate being compared to his ex. Furthermore, next time he compares you to his ex...ask him how he would feel if it was you who had been married before and you compared him to your ex? He wouldn't like it one little bit.
As for him being at his parents house whilst his ex is there, I can understand you feeling uncomfortable. I don't know of a single woman out there who would be comfortable with this...at all. There may be some sisters out there who have been through this that can comment or offer you some good suggestions. I have never had to deal with this type of situation and I know for me too it would be very difficult. When I say difficult...it's not because he has the ex or a child with her. It's knowing that he is sitting there with his ex and their child. My worries would be that feelings may be rekindled and I personally do not see it as a healthy thing for your marriage. He can see his child however, why is it necessary for his ex to stay there with him at his parents house? Is it not better for her to leave the child for a period of time and return later to pick the child up? I don't think that is being unfair or unjust at all. What is unfair here is how you are supposed to be quiet about all of this and just accept it.
Inshallah you both can work through this and it might not be a bad thing to have some marriage counseling. A counselor can show you both a better way to deal with the issues at hand and possibly not only save your marriage, but make things much better for both of you.
Salam
Sister,
It has been said that all difficulties in life are given to us from above. It is not because you deserve to suffer, but perhaps THE ALMIGHTY sees great potential in you, and there are things that need to be cleared. This will take you a new level.
The reason why your husband compares you to his ex is because he is feeling hurt, as his masculine prowess is in question, and he reserved to a self-protective stance even if it comes at the price of hurting you. If you will find it in your heart to forgive him, it will come back to you in kind. He actually just hates the fact that he does not do it for you, but he cannot explain it. Remember, that the sex is a mind thing.
I hope this helps. There is much I can tell you, but may be the public forum is not the place.
Salam,
Aida
P.S.: May all this suffering be the steps that will get you closer to cleansing.
Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim,
Assalamu alaikum sister Rima! I agree with Aida. I think that this is a defense mechanism of his to shift the blame on you. I think that he is feeling inadequate because he hasn't been able to satisfy you. InshaAllah the two of you need to establish real romance and intimacy in your marriage.Try smiling, laughing and being your husband's friend both in and out of the bedroom. Once you develop a close bond with each other then you will feel comfortable in being more open in all aspects, including sharing your likes and dislikes in bed.
For your part, try to relax and just enjoy being in your husband's arms, sharing kisses, hugs and closeness. Not every woman is the same, we like different things and not every woman climaxes every time. Many women don't climax at all through intercourse. Reassure him that you are enjoying the moment just being with him, even if you don't climax. If you both feel less anxious and frustrated about his performance and about expectation of climaxing then it may take away a lot of the guilt, anxiety and frustration away from the whole experience. Above all, the both of you must realize that sex is more than just a physical release. It is an expression of love between husband and wife.
May Allah swt grant you both happiness and bless your marriage.
Jazakom Allah Khair sisters I really appreciate your responses. It definitely is in the mind because I cannot help but think of all the things he has said (in comparisons) each time he comes near me, no matter how hard I try to not think of them. The fact he feels hurt is something I am a bit skeptical about because he was like that from the very beginning, i.e. not making the effort, not putting in the time, not being understanding etc so naturally a man who is like that is not going to get any results if you see what I mean? I am just really fed up and the only thing that's holding me back is the fact he's ok in other areas like providing, good company etc, however intimacy is very important to me and is the cause of my unhappiness. In regards to his ex wife, she doesn't want me there when she takes the child to see his dad, she says her child is none of my business and she doesn't want me to be there. On top of that when she goes to take him and sits in my inlaws house she dresses up, make up, tight clothes, high heels, everything (his mother was criticizing her about this) and I have to shut up and accept this. She stays for ages and she's like this because him seeing his son is on her terms only, as their marriage ended badly. My husband says that I have to trust him and if I don't then it's my problem.
Marriage is such a headache. Alhamdulilah.
Sister,
Marriage is one of the most difficult things in life, because there two people that were raised in two different micro environments with their own idyosyncracies and rituals, and mind sets, and defense mechanisms. It is a long and grueling molding process. Most young couples go through first years grinding their differences and molding a unique micro environment of their own. It is as unique as unique can ever get. There are really no golden recipes for a happy marriage. However, there are some wisdoms that are universal, that help to cut through all this. It took me rather some long long time to learn this, but MASHALLAH for wisdom HE passed to me through women I know.
1) One of the first ones I learned that helped me tremendously is that ALLAH, the most High and Compassionate, has chosen this man for you, and without this man you will never achieve your self-realization. It was never meant to be easy. Every couple out there has some issues. It may not sound that way to you now, but just to make you feel better - comparing to some other problems your case can be helped.
2) ALLAH, the Most High and Glorious, has also given you authority of your husband through the prayers. You cannot change your husband, as it is not up to you to do that. However, you were given an ability to have power over the enemies of your husband. His ex is obviously very needy and not such a confident woman. The more she is revealing herself, the more desperate she seems in the eyes of her ex-husband. She is trying to get him back or at least to make things so difficult for both of you so all goes to hell, and yes, she wants you two to part your ways. The sad thing is that she probably does that just to hurt others because she hurts inside. I bet she will not even take him back after she is through with her plan. Please, pray 5 times a day. Our life has algorithms that constantly takes us back into a rut and wants to destroy you, only if you pray with your heart 5 times a day then you can be safer. Please be open your heart with all its vulnerabilities in your prayers and seek what you need through it. Only prayer can help you. This is very powerful gift beyond any appraisal.
Remember: Whatever wants to destroy you, wants to destroy your marriage. You have to stop looking at your spouse as the enemy. Life is very difficult and you need him and he needs you to fight it together. It will take time, but you will fuse into one beautiful couple.
They say we can forgive if we can understand. Please understand that man are different from women, and we cannot use our logic to explain their behavior. I understand that you are skeptical about him being hurt, but let me tell you that this is how it is. His actions are screaming out this. Who knows, perhaps, this was one of the complaints of his ex? This is a possibility. So, when you was just beginning to hint that way, it probably brought an ocean go emotion to him. Unfortunately, he has a long way to mature. He needs your help. His past dictates him a lot. I think he needs a lot of work to do as well, and not act like a selfish superior. I think if you will find a muslim counselor through mosque will be ideal. Good luck trying to convince him to go through it, though. Men like him see it as a sign of weakness to consult a counselor. If he says yes, then you have got another chance. If he says no, then it is the end of the world.
Learning by comparing is a typical brain process through which we learn and build templates or schemas. He compares to his ex to ward off the guilt away from himself. He does not want to be responsible for not satisfying you in bed, because nobody else is complaining. If there was a thing I can advise you with this it would be to not be afraid to invite him as a guest into your world of sensuality. If you are full of that sort of energy he will follow you. Woman has strong power over man. His words hurt you and you are holding it against him. Lose the expectations. Do whatever you want, and if is not a game then it is his loss. He will come around the corner sooner or later.
The shortcut to resolve your issues is really working on yourself, even though it is not your fault! It is not fair, I know. However, as women we have been given a lot of power, and that comes with the same amount of responsibilities. You may find me rough, and I ask your forgiveness, but I wish somebody else did that for me when I struggled like you in the beginning.
I will make a prayer for you.
Marriage is difficult, but with ALLAH, the most HIGH AND GLORIOUS it will turn into your growth and will be a blessing. Alhamdulillah!
P.S.: I also wanted to add, that it is very difficult but you do need to trust your husband. He does not want her anymore than you want her. If possible, you may want to flip the communication with his ex and try to make friends with her. You know the old adage has it, keep your fiends close but enemies closer. However, I believe she won't go that way because she hates you. I bet you he many times told her that you are pure and out of this world woman. She was not pure and she is desperate. One advice, you need to swallow the pain and ignore this problem as if it does exist. Every time you honor this woman with a word from you, you make her more appealing to your husband. Every time you ignore her like a fat zit on somebody's face you make him want to do the same. You should even say sometimes things like: What a great father you are, because I see how you are putting yourself through having to see her (yak!) to be able to see your son.
My brother has always said the nothing gets a man as a confident woman. Every time you get jealous or picky about that ex, you lose. NExt time he goes there, act happy and find something fun for you to do seriously. Go to beauty parlor, so when he is done with the stupid custody time, he comes home to find one confident hottie all polished and reeking feminine power.
Please (!) don't get hung up on this. IT IS NOTHING. Let him go see his kid. It is all about the child. Your husband will be a great daddy too.
I know this from the experience. He gets only nausea if nothing else. The more you feed it the worse it will get. You are the one who is empowering her. DONT! Ignore her. Invest in yourself. Every time you want to talk about her, go pray, go pamper yourself. Don't sulk in the negativity. Please!
Also, my husband used to always compare me to his ex women. All the time. It hurts, but only whilst I allowed it to hurt me. Now, I laugh at it and say, I know she was. I am pretty bad, I know.....but that tells me how much you love me. Because you are with me, despite the fact i am not perfect. 😉 WORKS! He stopped comparing me at all. It took few times, but now days he does not say much. I also sided with all the girls that he was with, and that completely killed it for him.
Now, when he wants to hurt me, he tells me he cheated on me. LOL. I can see now how desperate he is to find to soft spot to control me. MASHALLAH that did not work, because with the power of my belief of all predestined I accepted that. However, that was not truth. He is faithful man, but just is very difficult. Anyway, the moral is he will continue comparing you if you continue reacting to it. Man don't love perfect, they love interesting. I am sure you are beyond interesting to him!
Salam alaikom Sister Aida,
Jazaki Allah Khair for your second response to me and for the time you took to write it, it really meant a lot to me and made me smile 🙂 I guess you're right.. I will take on board what you have said inshallah and see if it works. My husband is young (just turned 28) and does have a lot of maturing to do. I always say to myself that this is the man that Allah chose for me, however my mum says that Allah also gave us a brain lol and we should know when to exit the cage when the lion wakes up - as in you put yourself in a difficult situation where you feel stuck and find it hard to escape.
I will use Ramadan inshallah to make a lot of dua and start again after. I have just completed 1 year of marriage. It bothers me so much that in a whole year, the year that's supposed to be the time when you're all over each other etc it's been dull and grey. It doesn't bother him at all because his needs are always met (alhamdulilah). I always make an effort for him, always. I feel like I have been married to him for 40 years and the thought of getting pregnant now seriously scares me because I don't want this situation to go on. I know once a woman has a child the majority of her time is taken away and won't have much time for the things she wanted to before having the child. I guess my expectations just weren't met and now I have hit rock bottom from the disappointment. I asked him if he's happy with me etc many times but he always says yes and hates the mention of separation or the very thought of it.
Anyway I will make a lot of dua inshallah and for you sisters as well who so kindly replied to me. You made me feel better may Allah reward you in this blessed month xxx
Salam Alejkum Rima,
Thank you for your kind wishes and your prayers! This is beyond sweet of you.
I am not the one to thank of course, though. All praises are to ALLAH, who loves you for your purity and eagerness to keep your family intact and enriching, as you are reaching out and keep believing your husband. I am only sharing and passing along the knowledge I was given so kindly.
Your mom is right, we were given brains. However, it is much more powerful to use that brain to tame that lion. Imagine what that will make you. With your brain, would you choose to run and look for the perfect man that does n o t exist or would you tame a lion and make him rule the world...at y o u r command? For that, you need a belief and the rest will follow. You need to wake up and go to bed believing that it will be as you want it, and it will.
My mom always tells me to get out as well, because I am her baby and in her mind I deserve the best. However, I learned that as Lihtenberg said once, "If you have less than you want, then you should probably know that you have more than you deserve". Humility goes a long way. I am glad I don't follow her advice to leave my man.
In this Holy month, you will fast and pray for it and pray for wisdom. INSHALLAH, your family will be a jewel. It is all up to you. I wish that your fasting and prayers will be accepted.
It is true that when babies come there is less time for you, but it is temporary. It is always up to you, how you spend your evenings while kids are sleeping. I have three kids. They are down to sleep at 7 or 8 pm, and my husband and I are free to do whatever we please. Lately, it is all in front of TV. LOL.
May ALLAH guide you and give you strength and patience, the right word, the right move, the everlasting light into you that can help you overcome all difficulties of marriage.
Salam,
Aida
P.S.: Kids never spoil family life. It is parents that don't manage well their lives that are to blame. You can juggle it all, as there is always a way, if there is a will.
Thank you so much Aida. Allah has blessed me with sisters who have made me feel better alhamdulilah. I was seriously in 2 minds about leaving him because of how he made me feel. I would like to ask you one more question if it's no bother inshallah, maybe you can offer some kind advice on this too?
To add to my problems, my family (mum in particular) really don't like my husband and I feel torn between the 2. My husband is a very private person and when mum comes to stay with us (she lives abroad) she likes to stay for at least 2-3 weeks in our home and sometimes my sister comes with her. My husband was brought up on different principles and so finds it very hard to accept them there for more than 1 week. During the time mum stayed at our place she noticed some things she didn't like in him and she confronted him about them and since then he can't stand my mum and she can't stand him because he answered/shouted back and told her to stop interfering in his life and he went to stay with his parents so he's not under the same roof as her.
My mum is very proud and wouldn't ever apologise and neither would he and she has told me many times if you stay with this man I will not step foot in your house or be a part of your life even if you have kids, however if you're happy then I wish you the best of luck. He doesn't want to apologise for shouting at her because he feels that she provoked him. It's been months and I have tried to make the situation good but it's just not happening. My mum is depressed because she pretty much hates him and it affects me because every time I speak to her that's all she talks about, how I deserve better and that I am wasting my life with him etc. She finds it very offensive that even after he shouted at her I still stayed with him (many women leave their husbands over things like this even if they love them) and if I chose him over her it's a problem and if I choose her over him it's an even bigger problem so at the moment everyone is separated. My siblings don't want to visit me, he leaves the house for 3 weeks when mum comes to stay and it's just so depressing for me because if this situation carries on then even if I have a child inshallah he has openly claimed that as long as mum is around he won't be, even in that situation.
I have explained to everyone how I feel but no one is willing to compromise and he's not willing to let his pride go for the sake of Allah, especially because mum was extremely kind to him before and she lives abroad so he could just let it go for the sake of everyone being happy and living a peaceful life. My brother and sisters disrespect him when they speak to me saying things like I am desperate to stay with him and he's not a man etc. They want nothing to do with him at all, no one asks about each other or picks up a phone to even say Ramadan Mubarak. We don't have iftar together or go out together.
In a time where finding a good man is so hard I just accept things, especially when I hear about sisters who get abused, beaten up, raped, disrespected, dealing with drugs/drinking problems, cheated on, men not practicing, out all night and other things by their husbands, alhamdulilah he is nothing like that, so I didn't think leaving him was the solution. My mum says to me she dreads the day I tell her I am pregnant and "get out before you have a child or you will be stuck" this is something that has a mental affect on me everyday and obviously I tell him none of this but it does make me wonder if mum is right and if I should leave if he's the type to hold such a grudge for ages. I listened to a lecture by Sh. Khalid Yasin and he said even if a sister has half a man as a husband who fulfils the very basics (home, food and clothes) Allah has blessed her with enough. The rest can be worked on unless it's really bad like he's on drugs, committing zina etc and its affecting her very badly etc.
His parents stay out of it and don't act as mediators and because of this mum dislikes them too, saying what kind of family is this etc and there are better men out there, despite the fact I get along very well with his parents, they just keep themselves to themselves. Mum doesn't call them anymore because she thinks they are rude to not speak to their son and tell him to apologise for shouting, she is happy to just cut off from them and him completely.
I believe there is a lot of reward in marriage, as it is half your deen. If it was easy Allah wouldn't make it half (Allah alem) but because a lot of struggle is involved a woman is promised paradise if she dies and her husband is pleased with her from any gate she wishes. When I tell mum this she says it's better to be single than to live with a difficult husband because we are all responsible for our choices and Allah made divorce halal when one is unhappy. She said I chose a man who isn't the best and I am responsible for that choice, I can either leave and move on, find someone better or sit here miserable and put up with it and whatever the outcome of this marriage is I am to blame for my choice.
"Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee" – Umar bin al Khattab.
I read this and believe in my heart I married this man for a reason and even if my life at the end turns into one big nightmare with him, alhamdulilah. Better to have the punishments and hardships of this life to erase sins than the next. Your last message reminded me of this jazaki Allah khair.
So, going back to the problem, please advise me on how to deal with this situation. Mashallah you're a very wise sister may Allah protect you and I hope anyone reading these comments can benefit too inshallah. Thank you so much for your time.
Assalamu alaikum sister. There are some things that you mentioned in this particular post that jumped out at me. You said that you were thinking of leaving him because of how he made you feel. Even you admitted that the intimacy problem and his related insensitive comments was the only issue. Is this really worth even contemplating leaving your husband for when it can be worked on? You said that the man is a good provider, he's kind in all other respects and he is faithful. So you really want to throw that away???? Part of surat an-Nisaa 19 says, "If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good." Now this verse was addressed to men regarding their feelings on their wives, but it could be also apply as vice versa.
I understand that you may feel torn between your husband and your mother, but I have to say this: push comes to shove your loyalty is with your husband. What right did your mother have to confront this man in his own home? If she had any issues with him she should have addressed with you in private so that you could gently advise him as his wife. I really can't blame him for getting angry and although you feel that he was being rude, he was reacting to blatant disrespect of him in his own home. Sister you left your parents' home to be with this man--he is your husband--your provider, comforter and lord of your home. You should NEVER appear to be taking someone else's side above his, not even your mother's. If anyone should be urged to apologize first it's your mother for challenging him in his own home.
It seems to me that your role in this mess is not making your situation with your husband any better. From the way you talk it sounds as if you are on the side of your mother. I don't understand how you could allow her to disrespect your husband in that way, talking about him like that in your presence. I'm not saying that you should disrespect your mom but once she starts backbiting your husband you should remind her that this is your husband, that you will not listen to this kind of talk about him and that she should fear Allah swt and cease the backbiting. The same goes for your siblings. You need to stand up to them and let them know in no uncertain terms that disrespect of your husband will NOT be tolerated. Only a foolish woman would even think of leaving her husband because of an argument between her parents and him. It shoudln't even be a doubt in your mind sister, you choose HIM over them because you married him. It is critical that your husband knows that you respect him and put him first in your life. If you fail in this it will cause irreparable damage in your marriage.
I also believe there is a lot of reward in marriage and this is why it is half the deen. However marriage isn't just something that you get into expecting everything to be all peaches and cream. Marriage is a garden, it must be cultivated! Love, respect, trust, all of those things must be worked on by both parties, it doesn't come just like that! As women we need to remember Allah swt never designed a man to meet all the emotional needs of a woman. He is supposed to meet some of them, but there is not a man on planet Earth who is wired to meet all the emotional needs of a woman.
I will make duaa for you inshaAllah.
Salam Alejkum sister Rima,
May ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High give you strength. I hear you are in-between two fires. I feel your torment and have prayed so you will be given patience, wisdom, and guidance to deal with this very old problem. It goes as far as human history. It is in bedded in our code. It is a very natural process because, ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High, gave you a seed of love for this man, so you can endure all the difficulties, but your family don't have that very strong and powerful bond as you do. Please accept my humble opinion, but do keep in mind that it is my opinion only. It is always up to you to choose the right advice.
1) You mentioned that the notion of choice boggles you, and you are having doubts (which by the way drain life out of you…not good for you) about the right choice. You have given the chance to choose when you was proposed to marry this man. You have made your choice. It was the right choice. It was the choice that was blessed by ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High. You was given love in your heart, which by the way, is the most miraculous feeling that can only be given by ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High. You must at all costs remember that there Saytan wants to overthrow those who get closest to ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High. You have kept your purity, you pray, you are a good and wonderful woman, who has strength to discern between strong familial bonds (your mum and sisters pressures) and your obligations to ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High. It is a hard thing to do, because the relatives are of flesh and in the close proximity and the ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High is more powerful but not of flesh. Please choose right. You are right to say, ""Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee" – Umar bin al Khattab. " Please follow this wisdom.
Prophet Muhammad, May Peach be Upon HIm, said:
"Do what you should do when you should do it.
Refuse to do what you should not do;
And, when it is not clear, wait until you are sure"
You say that you are not sure, and I think the right thing to do here is to stay with the man given to you. If I were you, I would pray to ALLAH, the Glorified and Most High, to open your heart and your eyes and your ears to be able to see and appreciate all the blessing HE has showered you with. Please do not follow this bad human tendency to seek the negative at all costs. Please beg HIM to not take it away. Please ask HIM to give you ability to cherish each day with your man. It is hard to do - to love a man, that acts like a toddler, who yells at a mother, who does not have respect, who cannot repent. It is a damn hard thing to do. Especially, with all the pressure you have from your mom. BUT. It the right thing to do. Please do it. Swallow it.
To deal with the anguish to pleasing both sides, I think, will be helpful to see the deep down needs of both mom and your husband. Understand that your mother is vulnerable because she wants to the best for you. She feels helpless, because you are far away and to her you seem naive and helpless. She started reading into his different ways, and that came out as a threat to her. Please forgive her and understand her. She is blinded by the pride, by failed expectations, by a gap in cultures, by so many things. She is afraid for you. OUr beloved prophet Muhammad said, " Happy are those who find fault with themselves instead of finding fault with others." Think about that…..If mom will follow this wisdom and will somehow see how she has misinterpreted the son-in-law by mixing the messages and using her own life experiences to explain those messages, she will repent for what she has done. Both mom and husband followed their nags or lower self urges to protect themselves. They say, "those who are controlled by the lower self must serve it; those who control the lower self serve others. If mom and husband will serve ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most High, they will both repent and smooth the relationships to help you. Don't they love you? Don't they see how hard it is for you? Note: Please keep everything I say to yourself, please do not bring it up in the conversation. It is for your understanding only. You need to keep silence and pray. If it gets hard, tell that you are not feeling well, wash up and pray. Complain and open up to one and only. Show your vulnerability. I guarantee you you will be saved from it. Sooner or later, either your mom or your husband will do something to make it easy for you. You must do this. You can confront mom or your significant other at any rate about this. Tell your mom, that you have promised to ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most HIgh to protect your family at all costs, and that you believe that he will mature and come around. With your husband, do not demand anything. You take away his manhood when you ask him to apologize to her. You are asking way too much. He has done a mistake. To help you forgive him, you must consider that his wounds are too fresh. He may have previous pains associated with mother-in-law interfering. He may have read into her confrontations too much because he is hurt. Its way too soon. He does not want to be reprimand by your mother, because that makes him a smaller man in your eyes, and in his eyes. Please help him to become the man you want him to be. Please forgive him this imperfections, understanding that he acted out of desperation.
In a nutshell, you mustn't say anything but endure and be patient. Pray. Everything you want to say to mom or husband, all pain - all of it - let it be known in your prayers. When you do please ask for wisdom, love, and patience for your mom and husband. Please ask ALLAH, the Most Glorified and Most HIgh, to forgive them for acting in such a way.
It is your duty to protect your family. You must protect your husband. Do it with utmost respect to other, but diplomatically remind them that it is your highest duty to please the ALMIGHTY, which means you have to please your husband at all gates.
If it will help, you may only extent compassion to both sides. Tell mom that you understand how she feels, and it is justified. However, remind her that it is your duty and you are thankful that she raised you such a good muslim woman. Tell husband, that you understand how he feels too. That's it. Do not try to fix anything yourself. PRAY.
I hope ALLAH, the most Glorified and Most HIgh, will allow you to open your heart for this wisdom: Endure patiently, protect your family, and pray. This is the most powerful gift and protection we were given ALHAMDULLILAH!
Aida
P.S: Forgive my misspelling and grammatical errors. With three kids, I have not time to edit. I wish you the most heartfelt prayers that permeate all and reach ALLAH, THE GLORIFIED AND MOST HIGH.
Remember: Do not confront or try to fix anything by trying to mediate between mom or your significant other at any rate. The only thing you can do is to extend understanding and recognize the hurst and needs they both have. The rest must be said and done in prayers. Ask ALLAH, the Most Glorified and the Most High, to pour light onto your, mom's, and husband's nafs or lower self.
I also wanted to send you a poem by Rumi, which sometimes helps me to look at things a little lighter.
Rumi - Guest House
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
You made the right choice by marrying him, just stay the course and ask for guidance from above in all daily dealings.
Salam alaikom,
Khadija jazaki Allah khair for your comment. At the end of the day people post their problems on here in hope that they may find some good advice inshallah and alhamdulilah your post has reminded me that my problem isn't that big compared to many others and it's not worth leaving him for. I didn't want to leave, it's just the doubts and confusion in my head from being constantly put down by mum and family and shaytan whisperings. I try my best to keep the good ties of kinship as a Muslim, however me staying with my husband is a problem for my family and this is the only thing that has made our relationship worse than it was before, because contrary to what you said (i guess I didn't explain it properly) they disrespect him and I don't take it so we end up arguing because they feel I am taking his side even after he disrespected my mother who spent all these years bringing me up. They don't call me much anymore for that reason alone - they always question me and how I can stick up for him and stay with him.
My mother has been divorced from my father for over 8 years so she is always on guard in terms of noticing certain characteristics. When mum confronted him, she did so on the basis that she saw things here and there that bothered her that were repeated and she spoke to him as her own son. Please bear in mind that the things she noticed he knew were not right, for example coming home after 11pm at night because he'd rather avoid the family (not because he didn't like her - he just doesn't like his space invaded) and she was very offended by this. So when she confronted him she demanded to know what she had done to him and that he's not a family man and she doesn't feel welcome etc etc etc and what is he doing so late at night anyway, where is he going, you shouldn't leave your wife alone like this, do you do this a lot etc? Obviously I wished the ground had swallowed me before mum spoke such words to him but the damage was already done, especially when he just couldn't bottle his feelings inside and shouted at her - "auntie you're an arrogant, ignorant woman. Stop interfering in my life. You need help. Stop trying to ruin my relationship with me and my wife, we are happy and at peace when no one butts in. I am not like her dad stop taking your anger out on me. You're like this because of your own experience". Oh my God. When he's angry there is no stopping his tongue, even if he doesn't mean it. I just mentioned what he said to her so that you can have a better understanding as to why she severely dislikes him, because in Arab culture especially it's EXTREMELY rude to answer back to an elder even if they are wrong.
Aida jazaki Allah khair once again for your comment.. I will take it on board inshallah and leave the situation, accept mine and keep praying. I spent a couple of hours yesterday on this site reading through some peoples problems and subhanallah i pray for them. Alhamdulilah mine is not bad, even though on a personal level I feel it is. I will try my best and pray hard to get this resentment out of my heart inshallah for him in terms of intimacy especially - because when a woman gets married for the first time and for months and months she watches her husband fulfil his needs and walk off happily, without sticking around to even cuddle after, happy to believe the problem is with his wife it builds up in the heart so much to the point any other problem added on top of that is enough to let the shaytan in to confuse you and wonder if there are better men out there who care for their wives needs and go out of their way to put in the effort and not even dare compare her. It's something that has damaged me emotionally, especially because he reminds me that he's never had this problem in his life where the woman isn't pleased with him. Whether that's a lie or the truth, the fact he puts it in my head that he had with another woman what he doesn't have with me is emotionally killing and a total put off.
I used to fear that if I leave him I may end up with someone worse because I was ungrateful to Allah for not being patient, so I am patient with him because he does have some great qualities to him mashallah that are hard to find. I posted my problem so that I would get a solution on how to fix my marriage instead of taking the easy way out and leaving, as I wanted to know I did everything possible in my power to make it work because I do love him very much and am very attached to him.
I will pray inshallah and make dua for you too.. thank you soooo so much you have opened my eyes and I will try my best at this marriage and encourage him in the ways you told me. I hope in time things will get better inshallah and that Allah will heal the rift between the 2 families. Believe me it's not easy picking up the phone to call mum only to get the same lecture again and again (and even when I tell her to stop talking about him, change the subject and that I am working on it - she goes cold with me and all formal). I am very close to my mum and in my family and in our friends circle we have witnessed wives leaving their husbands because they disrespected her parents, so for them it's normal, which is why mum finds it hard to swallow that I am still here and for her it's a statement. Her ultimatum, as mentioned before, is that if I am happy, to stay with him but she has no relationship with us at all or his family and any kids we might have. I hope that changes inshallah because that would break my heart.
I hope you have a productive Ramadan inshallah and know that you have helped a sister feel so much better in this blessed month alhamdulilah and have helped to lift her spirits and iman.
Salam x
I am very close to my mum and in my family and in our friends circle we have witnessed wives leaving their husbands because they disrespected her parents, so for them it's normal, which is why mum finds it hard to swallow that I am still here and for her it's a statement. Her ultimatum, as mentioned before, is that if I am happy, to stay with him but she has no relationship with us at all or his family and any kids we might have. I hope that changes inshallah because that would break my heart.
‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) asked Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam): “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her husband.” She asked, ‘And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He said, “His mother.”12
A woman came to ask the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.”13
P.S - I will take on your advice Khadija inshallah in terms of just enjoying the intimacy instead of having expectations maybe that will change my psycological state of mind? He doesn't compare me anymore because he saw the damage it did to me, it's just one of those things that sticks with you for ages after. I look forward to applying the advice given to me inshallah! Jzk again!
Salam Alejkum Rima,
You are loved so much by the ALLAH, the Most Glorified and The Most High, just look at how many great posts you have. I have never done such a thing and have never visited this site before. It is first time, I was compelled to write a post online. I think there was reason from above. You have throw all doubts away, don't let them suck the life out of you. You need the energy for other productive things in life. You have a promising life ahead of you, which you will never have unless you would at all costs protect the holy union between your husband and you.
I understand the power that your mum has over you. To help you to be strong when picking the phone, I will share my story with you. My mother as well was divorced. It is well known fact that when parents divorce, they leave their legacy to their children. This means you and I have to work extra hard to fight the urge for easy way out. It is always easier to divorce then to stay and work out the problems. However, if you want to have a good life here and in the Hereafter you must achieve a certain level of personal growth, which is only possible when you are cornered into a relationship that is designed to polish you soul. It is natural to want to escape it. It is wise to stay and be nimble, be flexible. It is hard because one never knows if it is time to be flexible or it is time to be firm. That's why one needs to make the Koran, our precious gift from above, the manual for this life. IN your specific situation, it is clear that you need to stay and to make things work make changes to yourself. Don't let that be a threat to your Self. It is only a healthy modification.
I know I don't need to tell you to be respectful to your parents, as it is encoded in you. However, I do know that when one gets emotional it is hard to manage. I want to ask you to try to manage your thinking in a way where it helps you. For example, when mum calls and is upset. First, acknowledge that you understand her because she does not deserve such treatment. To help you to calm down, remember that everything happens for a reason, and you are not alone in this. Say the prayer that help you while she says things, and ask to help your mum in this difficult time for her. Remind her how much you love her, and how much you respect her for trying to help her. Also, say this prayer a lot:
"Allah is enough for me for my religion. Allah is sufficient for my wordily matters. Allah is sufficient for everything that concerns me. Allah is sufficient to take care of anyone who causes aggression against me. Allah is sufficient for me against anyone who is jealous of me. Allah is sufficient for me against anybody who holds evil intentions against me. Allah is sufficient for me at the time of death. Allah is sufficient for me during the questioning (by angels) in the grave. Allah is sufficient for me when my actions are weighed in the balance on the Day of Judgement. Allah is sufficient for me when I have to pass over the Sirat Bridge. Allah is sufficient for me as there is no god beside Him; on Him have I relied and to Him do I turn." (taken from The Accepted Whispers by Munajat-e-Maqbul.
Remind her that you always put ALLAH, the Most High and the MOst Glorified over your family, cold water, or anything else. You can tell her that he has to mature and you will help him to do that. One has to go through humility before gaining honor. Neither one of them wants to do it, because they are vulnerable. Please accept that the feud has its reasons and its place and try to work around it. Help your husband to understand that mum is scared that you are far away and helpless and started reading too much into things, and considering that she lost trust in men it is hard to start trusting again. Assure your husband, that you always are there to protect his needs and interests. You can break a tear saying that it is hard between you two, but your ultimate protection over his needs.
Back to my story, when I was married to my ex-husband, my mum always said to get out. She was acting like your mum, reminding me that he was disrespectful towards her and how can a person like that be any good. Listen, both mums did something that provoked the behavior of the husbands. We did not marry saints, but human beings. They react so passionately, because they have fears and they are really afraid to lose their wives. Any man out there knows what strong hold mother has over the children, because their own mother has strong hold over them. He simply panicked. He was probably expecting to hear something more of a gratitude for making her daughter happy, as he tried very hard.
I got remarried again, and the problems you have with first multiply and mass produce with the following. Stay where you are, please and cultivate the good in it, and work around it. Change yourself.
Good news for you, is that having a child enhances intimate time while the pregnancy and even after. There will be day when you will remember this and smile. (Also, men don't like to talk at all after being intimate that is how they are wired by nature). As a matter of fact, the best compliment you get in bed is if the man is completely out and does not say anything. It is funny and counterintuitive to women, but in the world of man it is how it is. Women love to talk for the sake of talking, men only talk if there is a need from outside. Why would he say anything to you when topped any expectation or desire by far. In future, if he says thank you or you was nice, its not because you got worse but may be because he is maturing and tries to play by your rules.
I really respect you for your courage to withstand the power of your mum. You mum is a wonderful woman who raised a daughter like you. Although, she is still inferior to the wishes of ALLAH, the Most Glorified and the Most High, for his servants.
Salam,
Aida
P.S.: You know, there is a book called Men Whispering by D. Sozio and S. Brett. It will teach your communication approach that gets man to want to be nice. It does not go against the muslim ways, but only teaches how to find the common language with the man, as they understand and speak Man-ese only. In a nutshell, it is like a liaison between the differences between sexes and their different perceptions and style of communications. Please discard whatever is weird to you and read with a grain of salt, but there are some things that can be helpful. Essentially, what I am trying to say is that you need to master a power that a woman has over man, and it is not through nagging and asking but by wise style of being. It helps a great deal in understanding, but still secondary to praying. The reading of such books only helps your understanding, the power is still behind the prayer. It is still good though to expand your thinking and understanding to help your prayers, so you can make your heart soar in prayers.
Aida, thanks so much for visiting this website, and for writing this very thoughtful response, and sharing your own experience.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalam Alejkum Wael,
I find joy in helping. I thank ALLAH, the Most Glorified and The Most High, for allowing his care for Rima to flow through these messages.
Thank you for making this website possible. You are helping a lot of people. May you be blessed and may your prayers be granted.
Salam,
Aida
Salam Aida,
Mashallah what a beautiful response, I cannot thank you or pray for you enough, everything you have written makes so much sense and I agree 100%. I look forward to logging on here just to see what you have written and I read it again and again. Subhanallah I prayed istekhara a while ago in regards to my problem because I was so depressed and I decided to join this site and post my issue. To be honest I never expected to get a response due to the high volume of issues posted on here, but I thought I'd give it a go and I feel like this is the result of my istekhara. The very thoughtful comments I have received back and the time taken to write them has really touched me. You have given me responses I have never had from anyone, as anyone who knows my situation (from mum complaining about my husband to a couple of friends) have told me to leave straight away and I have never been comfortable with that and always hoped for a solution. Thanks so much Aida for sharing your story, may Allah increase your wisdom and bless you with a very happy marriage and family, indeed Allah must love me for alhamdulilah my mind is so clear now and I am not confused anymore. This site is great mashallah may Allah reward those who have set it up.
I will take on board all your advice, from everyone who kindly posted on here, and may you have rewards for any good that comes out of my marriage inshallah and I hope anyone in the same situation reading my post will benefit. You can't imagine how at peace I feel now alhamdulilah. Jazakom Allah 1000 khair, really means a lot!
Salams 🙂
Hmm....so... forgive me, but if we can't speak honestly on the internet, then where can we speak honestly? I'm going to be very blunt, because you've asked for advice & if anything I say has a CHANCE of helping your marriage then it's worth it.
First off, there's a song by British singer Lily Allen called "It's Not Fair"...you should look up the lyrics on the internet it is basically a woman calling men out for not caring in the bedroom! It will hopefully make you laugh & realize you are soooo not alone!
It's very common for women to have trouble clim*xing via intercourse. You are not unusual in this in fact many women have this problem & tell no one because they are afraid they are weird. Even worse, many women fake clim*x to satisfy their husband's ego. In my eyes, faking clim*x is a terrible lie, but most women do it at least once in a while. I don't lie, I am honest with my partner, and I don't clim*x every time, and it doesn't bother either of us because we both understand that it's ok & normal! We changed our expectations so that clim*x isn't the goal when we get into bed, but rather intimacy & closeness is the goal. Clim*x is just a bonus if it happens. Also, I have rare climax & have been married to my partner for 2 years now. I'm not worried b/c with time it will get better, and my partner cares about satisfying me. (Read: my partner hasn't given up hope on satisfying me like your husband has lost hope. Part of this is teaching my partner that I don't need to clim*x every time & that if I don't climax it is not his fault! Male ego secretly thinks bad sex is always his fault!)
It sounds like your husband says such mean things to you & compares you to his ex because I think deep down he is terrified that he can't please you. The only way he can feel confident in himself is to think "well, she must have the problem" because his male ego can't handle that he could be the problem. Men frequently DO NOT understand how gentle & soft you have to be with women for them to reach clim*x. ALso, intercourse is often the wrong strategy. Try something else. Buy a book with instructions. Secretly go to a couples sex retreat together! I know they have those in the U.S. & Europe all the time. There is no shame in doing whatever you have to do to make your marriage work! Be assured other couples are doing it too but they do it in secret!
Also: DO NOT tell your husband this it will kill his ego & confidence, this is for your ears only, but: I HIGHLY doubt he satisfied his ex all the time. ANY man who says he satisfies a woman EVERY SINGLE TIME is a liar or is being lied to!! Women are built differently, it takes longer (average 20-30 minutes for a woman to reach clim*x. Men average 1-10 minutes!) & also women don't reach clim*x every time. Only men are built to reach clim*x every time through intercourse. (It sounds unfair, but remember: only women are designed to be able to have more than 1 orgasm in a row! Men can only have 1 while women can have 3, 5, or 10 at a time!
Perhaps try other ways to reach clim*x. Women who have trouble w/ clim*x in intercourse often find that reaching clim*x in other ways helps them to reach clim*x in intercourse later. As you said, you were a virgin and before your body will naturally clim*x from intercourse with your husband (and trust me, just bc it's not happening now doesn't mean it won't happen in the future!) it will need to accept clim*xing from your husband in other ways, whether it be by his hand or mouth. (Sorry to be so forward about marital things, I'm just trying to be honest as another woman & help inform you for the sake of your marriage. I hope you are not offended & my sincere apologies if you are.) Consider buying a vibrator & if you're comfortable teach your husband to use it on you... whatever makes your marriage work is worth it! Or buy it in secret & teach yourself to climax, then bring what you learn to the bedroom with your husband. Virgins must 1st learn to climax before they can attempt satisfying intercourse.
& If the only way your husband will change his ways is if you say "But the Dr. says so!" then why not just blame your own ideas on the Dr.?
Salams 'just another girl' your post made me smile 🙂 it's true what you say and no I wasn't offended don't worry. Like Khadija said too I will try and change my expectations.. I guess I wanted to see what all the fuss was about in regards to sex and was just disappointed. I know not every woman climaxes, that's not what bothers me at all because I know alhamdulilah there's nothing wrong with me.. what bothers me is just the lack of effort on his behalf.. many men go out of their ways to try different things, take their time, being understanding and patient, creating a nice romantic environment etc... when your husband is looking at the clock, telling you you're not normal and most girls climax by now and have that face on that has got frustration and impatience written all over it and reminding you during sex that he has work in the morning and he can't go on forever and this has never happened with him before it's a total mood killer and it does plant resentment in the heart. Sorry to be blunt but that's how it is and I have put up with that for a whole year. I have put up with it because as mentioned before in my post he is great in other aspects of marriage alhamdulilah and I do love him. It gets to the point where when he wants it I am thinking oh no in my head and really don't look forward to it. Men are supposed to protect their wives and their chastities.. if it was the other way round they wouldn't think twice about getting a 2nd wife or a divorce just to get their needs satisfied. When a woman gets male attention (even if she doesn't seek it) day in and day out and she goes back home to her husband, only for him to be like that, it's dangerous. Alhamdulilah. Yes I heard that song it's funny 🙂 Rima
Sister Rima,
MASHALLAH! May ALLAH, the Most Glorified and the Most High, reward you with wisdom, health, and unwavering faith in that everything that happens happens due to HIS will. Jazakom ALLAH Khair for your kind words and your prayers. Everyone needs them, and it is beyond wonderful to extend them to me for something I can not credit myself. It is true that you are loved by ALLAH, the Most Glorified and the Most High.
I wanted to ask you if you could teach me how to make istekhara? I thank you in advance, and I hope this will not be a burden.
May your prayers be heard and your fasting accepted!
Salam!
Aida
Salam Aida, Thank you for your message. Of course it is no burden at all. The following is an excellent summary of istikhara x
The description of Salaat al-Istikhaarah was reported by Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said:
“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur'aan. He (saw) said: ‘If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make, (or in the version narrated by Ibn Mas'ood as: ‘if any one of you wants to do something…) then let him pray two rak'ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say:
(O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa'i, Abu Dawood, Ibn Maajah and Ahmad).
Ibn Hajr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth:
“Istikhaarah is a word which means asking Allaah to help one make a choice, meaning choosing the best of two things where one needs to choose one of them."
Istikhaarah is done when a decision is to be made in matters which are neither obligatory nor prohibited . So one does not need to do istikhaarah for deciding whether he should go for hajj or not. Because if he is financially able to do it then hajj is obligatory and he does not have a choice. Similarly one does not need to do istikhaarah for deciding whether he should give up smoking or not because smoking is haraam and must be given up.
But istikhaarah can be done in all kind of other permissible matters where a choice needs to be made such as buying something permissible, taking a job or choosing a spouse etc.
There are many misconceptions attached with Istikhaarah such as:
Many people think that Salaat-al- istikhaarah can only be prayed after 'Ishaa prayer following which the person should go to sleep. This is a misconceptions, as in fact one can pray istikaarah at any time of the day and night.
Istikhaarah can also be done after two rak'ahs of regular sunnah prayer for example those prayed after zuhr, or after two rak'ahs of any naafil prayers whether they are regularly performed or not as long as one makes the intention to pray istikhaarah at the same time as intending to pray that particular prayer.
Some people think that one has to have a dream after Istikhaarah regarding the matter in question, this has no sound basis.
Doing istikaarah once is enough for one matter contrary to the belief of many people who think that one needs to do istikaarah constantly until they get a result.
It is also important to understand that doing istikaarah does not mean not doing any other efforts. Instead one should take every other possible action such as researching and investigating the matter to one's best ability, as well as seeking advice from knowledgeable and experienced people.
The du'aa' of istikaarah can be said either before or after saying salaam.
The purpose of the du'aa' is to seek guidance by virtue of Allaah's knowledge, power, generosity and His decree to make the matter easy for the one who is in need and is weak and unaware of unseen.
The secret is that one's heart should not be attached to the matter in question, because that will result in a person becoming restless rather one should be content and pleased with Allaah's decree.
We ask Allaah to help and guide us to do all that He is pleased with and his Peace and blessings be upon His last Prophet Muhammad.
I hope that helps. If you'd like it in Arabic let me know and I will post it for you inshallah.
Mona 🙂
Jazaki Allah chair my dear Rima. I apologize for not getting back with you sooner, as I was not able to check my emails. I thank ALLAH in you for teaching me doing this amazing salat. I am a witness of how powerful and effective it is.
I would so love to have that prayer in Arabic as well for my mum. I use the translations and original prayer, but she only uses ones in Arabic. I wanted to give it to her too. I would love to email you, but your email is concealed. I am going to give you mine: *************** I would love to hear from you every time you have difficulties and just need to vent. I will help with what I can. Note: We cannot read Arabic, so the prayer in Arabic would have to be transliterated into English. I am sorry for such trouble. If this is too much please forgive me for asking and don't worry about it at all. I am very very happy with what you have sent me beyond what words can say!
Salam,
Aida
(Email address deleted by Editor)
Aida you can contact me directly on the personal email facility on this site if you like. Rima
Salam Aida,
Thank you for your message, so sorry this is late have been so busy. Unfortunately I cannot see your email as it has been concealed on this site by stars ***** and I cannot write to you directly either 🙁
Arabic Istekhara:
" اللهم إني أستخيرك بعلمك ، واستقدرك بقدرتك ، وأسألك من فضلك العظيم ، فإنك تقدر ولا أقدر ، وتعلم ولا أعلم ، وأنت علام الغيوب . اللهم إن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر - ويسمي حاجته - خير لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري فاقدره لي ، ويسره لي ، ثم بارك لي فيه . وإن كنت تعلم أن هذا الأمر شر لي في ديني ومعاشي وعاقبة أمري عاجله وآجله فاصرفه عني واصرفني عنه ، واقدر لي الخير حيث كان ثم أرضني به " )) . [ البخاري ]
English Transliteration: 'Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika, Wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, Wa asaluka min fadlika al-'azim Fa-innaka taqdiru Wala aqdiru, Wa ta'lamu Wala a'lamu, Wa anta 'allamu l-ghuyub. Allahumma, in kunta ta'lam anna {hadha-l-amr} Khairun li fi dini wa ma'ashi wa'aqibati amri (or 'ajili amri wa'ajilihi) Faqdirhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li Fihi, Wa in kunta ta'lamu anna {hadha-al amr} shar-run li fi dini wa ma'ashi wa'aqibati amri (or fi'ajili amri wa ajilihi) Fasrifhu anni was-rifni anhu. Waqdir li al-khaira haithu kana Thumma ardini bihi.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQeph4bxLjY&feature=player_embedded#at=29
Hope that helps inshallah.
Rima x
P.S Please don't hesitate to ask me if you need help in anything too I am very happy to help
Assalam Alejkum Rima,
I hope this message finds you well. It is unfortunate that we cannot maintain the correspondence and I am sorry for not replying sooner. I was away on a trip.
Jazaki Allah Khair my dear Rima for you sending me the prayers, and I hope that for that your problems will become easy for you.
I appreciate your sharing the knowledge about istikhara beyond any gratitude!
Salam,
Aida
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