I hate the idea of going to school and being a career woman; also how can I find a suitable partner?
Salamu aleykum,
I'm an (almost) 26 year old Muslim woman who was born, raised and live in Europe. For some years now, I've been feeling extremely bad, tremendously pressured and, at times, very depressed, over something most people might think is weird. I absolutely hate school and the idea of ever having to work. I'm a very smart and intelligent person, but the whole concept of school, and the competitiveness and the sucking up, in the job market doesn't apply very well to the kind of person I am. As a result, I have since 2007 been enrolled, and quit, University 3 times and quit 2 jobs (which I only had for maximum 5 months).
This year, I'll give University my 4th try and I'm really scared that I will end up quitting again. I have that fear, because my family and society expects me to get a degree and a good job. But the thing is; I don't even want to work. I'm not the sort of woman who's carreer-minded and wants to excell in her job. I'd much rather just get married and look after my husband, kids and home, and engage in my own hobbies. I realize that as a Muslim woman, it is my right to stay at home but, how come I still feel so wrong and bad and guilty about wishing to stay at home instead of going to school and creating a carreer for myself? Do I have an Islamic reason to feel bad about not wanting to work? Am I a horrible Muslim for wanting to be a stay-at-home wife/mother instead of a carreer woman? Am I too spoiled for wanting 'the easy life' where my husband looks after me?
Also. as mentioned, I live in Europe. I'm not part of any Muslim communities or any mosques. I don't have a large circle of friends (just a small one of good friends), family and acquaintances. So, I haven't really had the chance to meet someone suitable whom I could get married to. The friends I do have, have already gotten married and have babies. I feel like I'm getting too old and none of that has happened for me yet. I'm getting very impatient and more depressed about being alone and getting too old to have children. What can I do to speed up the process? I'm not a shy person, if that's any helpful information in terms of your advice.
Dina.
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sallam
a career isnt for everyone. just like how some people want to work and dont want to be a stay at home mother (this isnt a bad thing) likewise wanting to stay at home and not work (is not a bad thing).
its your life and you need to do whats best for you! what works! being a stay at home wife is not easy either you have to do housework cook clean etc!
if your intrested in uni go for it, if your not dont waiste your time or money. uni is hard and you need to do something your passionate about.
its good to get married mashallah but life has alot of ups and downs say your married and unfortunatly your husband passes, how will you support you kids? im only mentioning this as it happeend to my grandma however she was educated and supported her kids and got them married mashallah.
just wade your options and dont stress so much. im 26 too and marriage isnt right for me right now but that doesnt mean it isnt right for you. but make sure it something you truly want. just becuase you freinds have a good experiance with it doesnt mean marriage is easy !! and you not old at all 26 is young!!! focus on why you want to get married and what you want out of it and the potential partner you want you cant just marry anyone!
Allah hafiz
sallam
read salatul istikara and inshallah you will be guided.
Allah hafiz
As Salamualaikum,
My sister, yes, your age is passing by, and you should seriously consider marriage.
Mention this to your parents who can look for a Righteous man for you.
No one in the entire World has the right to force you to work. A woman is considered to be the queen of her house. Though her working in a suitable environment is not forbidden.
No one has the right to enforce it upon you. Perhaps you can identify your interest first and then mention your interest to your parents so that they can let you follow your interest.
You can probably consider an Islamic School or a Madrasah (hopefully you find one) where you can learn Deen and become a good Muslimah, until you get married. After that, you are the queen and you have all the time in the World, at home, to learn and practice Deen.
My advise is that you mention this to your parents and convince them somehow that they allow you to do this (and also look for a man you can marry)
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dina,
I am here to tell you that there is no such thing as "the easy life". No matter what we do in life, we have to work for it. I was like you...I didn't want to go to school. I just wanted to be a mother and care for my family and so forth. Big mistake. Many years on and six kids later, I find myself in a marriage that at times I would like to end but am unable to do so as I am financially dependent on my husband. My husband is abusive verbally and physically at times but I am the one who has to suck it up. I don't have the education to survive nor take care of our children on my own. I continue to seek guidance and patience from Allah every day.
I have three daughters and encourage each and every one of them to get a good education. It is imperative that you are financially stable and do not need to depend on anyone, including a husband. Without a good education you are limited in your capacity as to what you can do in the work place not to mention the earnings you will receive over the span of your lifetime.
My advice to you dear sister is to work your butt off on your fourth try at Uni. Quit looking for an easy out...it will be much better for you to work towards a degree if at all humanly possible. Allah willing, your husband is out there...he just hasn't found you yet. You can do it, you just need to believe in yourself.
Salam
I really don't understand now days people talk about depend or independent:/ I really do not understand the word people use independent. To me my opinion I think we all humen need to depend on eachother without that we can not live. For example when we born we have to depend on mother to feed us when we toddler we need to deepen on parents when we teenage we need to depend on parents teachers when we get married
We need to depend on spouses, when we old we need to depend on age care or children, when we die we need to depend on people to buire us we need to depend on children or people to make dua when we in grave even we need to depend on Allah to forgiv us and make our way to Janna.
Well sister Dina even you do your study and earn good money still you have to depend on your husband yes if unfortunately if your marriage dosent long last then you can support yourself but still you need to depend on someone. We humen can't live independent.
I am not saying I disagree with sister najah she is indeed right that you will be limited but that won't stop your life. Sorry I am in rush , may Allah bless you sister pray to Allah and inshallah Allah will answer your prayer if you are sincere.
Salam Nrh,
When I use the word independent, I mean it in the best of ways. What I am saying is, it is not a bad thing for a woman to have a skill or a trade of some sort. To be totally dependent on anyone is in my opinion, is not wise.
Take my friend for example. Her husband is dying of terminal cancer and is in the last stages...he is not expected to live for more than two months. By the grace of Allah, she has a degree in teaching and will able to support her children. Although she has her degree in elementary education, she never used it until two years ago. She wanted to work to help her family out. Even if a woman stays at home to care for her family, it is not a bad thing for a woman to have a degree under her belt. My friend will be able to keep her home for her children and not end up in the street. She will be able to feed them and clothe them. She has no family and no one to provide for her. Because she does in fact have a good education, she will now be the provider for her family. I can only see that as a positive thing.
It is through my own life experiences that I can only view an education for a woman as a good and positive thing. Yes, many would like a woman to stay at home to care for the family...including my own husband. I see nothing wrong with that at all. However, I do believe it is in any woman's best interests to seek knowledge and a higher level of learning. It is only to her advantage. Allah hu alam.
Salam
Most women use this "independence" to get out of marriages whenever they want.They will give you numerous excuses and would blame everything on the spouse. With money,comes power, with power comes ego and pride and these things make humans selfish .
Nevertheless, I would still recommend you to work hard in your next attempt.At the same time, do try to learn about Islam from authentic sources or if possible from a female scholar. Do not rely on internet sources.
If you do go to university,please keep yourself separate from the bad influences of non-muslims in every way.
Yes sister, give yourself one last chance with the University. Try to work hard and see if things work out.
Naturally, in Islam, it is men who are expected to work and earn the bread for the family. Hence, you need not worry about that.
As far as the discussion about dependancy is concerned, there is something called Trust in Allah. If a woman is not obliged to work, she isn't. Simple...
"If" she faces any situation such as separation from her husband, then Allah is Her Lord and insha Allah, He will take care of everything, provided she Trusts in Him for all her affairs.
He is ar Rahmaan Who has Mercy on all His Creation and provides them from sources they can not even imagine. And He is ar Raheem, Who Will Show His Mercy to His believing slaves on the Day of Resurrection. Insha Allah, I will be of them. Insha Allah we'll all be of them.
So, the question of being independent sounds silly to me. And Allah Knows Best.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@ brother Muhammad Waseem you are absolutely right there is nothing called independen, it's just a word in dictionary. I am a women , most of my friend laugh at me because I say to them I don't understand why we say want to be independent? And the same example I gave it to my friends then they say I am being silly.
Allah knows best
Nadia
Sister Nadia,
When you trust in Allah, it is between you and Him. All that is good for you, Allah will insha Allah make it happen with you.
And then, you need not pay heed to anyone who mocks the Mercy of Allah and His Bounties.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am a married 31 year old revert from the US, married to a Muslim man from the mid-east. He is highly educated and pressures me to do well in Uni, but I do want my degree anyway. Not so much so that I can be a career woman, but so that I'm not terrified by the thought of anything happening to my husband and leaving me to raise our daughter with a low income situation. My husband says 'once you get your degree you can sit at home all you want, but just graduate with that degree'. I so agree with his reasonings and honestly excluding some courses have really found that my ability to hold a conversation with people on the level of education as my husbands is better now that I've been in Uni for a while. So not only does it make me more compatible with his collegues (sp?) and friends, but we can talk more extensively about not just things that interest me, but also things that interest him like chemistry and history.
You said 'Allah Hafiz' which makes me guess you're pakistani? Let me tell you many women from your part of the world are in the reverse situation! They all want to use their degrees, but find their families want to marry them off once they get their PhD or finish their post doc because it makes them more 'sellable' to a good family. Maybe you should think about this and turn your situation in your favor... get your degree and turn the woes of other poor women in your situation to a blessing for you, for your only objective is to find a good man who can financially support you, and let me tell you that most men like that want a good educated woman. Furthermore, most men that meet your high standards for supporting you and allowing you to engage in your own hobbies and support children and so forth have very picky mothers who want a good educated high-class woman for their sons! So go get that degree, then find a man and sit on your butt for as long as you want.... but without that degree you're less likely especially at your age I hate to say due to cultural issues, to find what kind of guy you're looking for. Take care, Allah's blessings
Dear Dina, Walaykumsalaam,
I understand what you are saying - completely. Most probably because like yourself, I live in the West where it is the norm for women to work, have a profession and 'be something'. If they are not working, they are looked down on by many - including Muslims and including 'one own self' too. But the truth is, we should not feel the need to be defined by the ways of the West. If we are secure in our stance as Muslimahs, this will become our first and foremost identity and everything else comes after it - regardless of what society thinks.
I do however want you to understand though, that attaining a good balance of worldly and spiritual education is recommended to us as in Islam. Do you know the first word of the Quran is 'Iqra', meaning 'Read'? And one can attain any level of education, but it does not have to be done in order to pursue a career. It can be done just because attaining knowlegde is a good thing and opens one's mind. At the same time, no-one is saying that you must have a degree. You have tried and dropped out three times, so why are you forcing yourself to do something that is not necessary and something you clearly do not want to do? Not having a degree or a profession does not make you any less of a person and it bears no reflection on your intelligence either.
But I understand, that you feel pressure from your family and community, right? This is something that you will only overcome when you yourself let go of this standard that has been set by your community. When you break free of this imprisoning mind set and reaffirm your identity as a strong Muslimah, you will not care what anyone says or thinks - because you will already feel secure in your identity as a Muslimah! You will know that in the next life, Allah will not reward you for how much worldly education you attained, nor if you were in a high flying career. But He(swt) will reward you for whatever halal deed you did with a pure intention. So if you became a doctor, with the intention of saving lives and nearing yourself to Allah, He(swt) will reward you for that; if you did voluntary work in an orphanage with the intention of nearing yourself to Allah, He(swt) will reward you for that; if you work in an administrative role or in a supermarket because you have the opportunity to do dawah amongst your non muslims colleagues, clients and customers for the sake of Allah, He(swt) will reward you, aameen! Likewise, if you want to get married and want to love and support your husband to build a good Islamic home and raise your children as pious Muslims, then Allah will also reward you for that - SubhaanAllah, it's truly amazing!
So no, you are not 'a horrible Muslim for wanting to be a stay-at-home wife/mother instead of a carreer woman'! It is the husband's duty to look after and maintain his wife and although some men now want their wives to work, there are still many who prefer their wives not to work and they want to pamper them and look after them financially - so you need to find a husband who thinks this way because it matches with your way of thinking.
***
As it stands sister, you are still single and you are living with family. Until you get married, I assume you need some income to support yourself financially, right? If you quit work, will your family support you financially? If not, then take up a part time job just to pay your way and at the same time figure out what you enjoy doing as hobbies and find where you can do them. If you enjoy working out, join a women's gym, paint, draw, read books, teach yourself how to cook some interesting dishes, join Islamic study classes, learn your deen! And at the same time, join some marriage bureaus to find yourself a husband. Make clear what you expect from marriage and what you can offer, be confident in what you want - there is nothing wrong with it. You appear to be a perfectly normal, loving person - don't let 'people's' ideas shake you off your path.
Remember Allah at all times, find confidence through your identity as a Muslim, take steps to achieve what you want with confidence. And make hearty dua, as everything happens only with the will of Allah!
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sisters you maybe feeling guilt because you have so many opportunities that are coming your way and your taking it for granted there are many muslims in the world who are impoverished but have so many dreams and aspirations that they'd like to achieve but they can't because of their economic situation. Thats because it says that Islamically a women should stay at home doesn't mean that she can't work or study. Allah gives certain people skills and attributes for a reason, just think with the ability you have you could maybe help children in poor countries to learn and educate.
I'm a white, secular, American woman and I hate school and carreers too. I've dropped out of college 3 times and had about 25 jobs that I've hated (I have 2 jobs now, and I'm a full time University student currently & I get good grades and earn money but hate both). The truth is: you're screwed! No one gets to stay home with their kids anymore. Men are too lazy to support their families knowing women will do it. Good luck; at least you're Muslim. If I were you I'd find a Mosque. There's got to be a man who can help you. Trust me there's no 'modern man' who will do so. If your man dies, you can go back to what we have always done: sit in traffic on the freeway, argue with jerks in the boardroom, just like a man except in disgusting high heels and pantyhose! Oh, and to Najah... You seem to have picked the wrong man, and just because someone does not enjoy working outside the home does not mean that person doesn't have the skills to do so. Also, no one thinks raising children is an "easy way out". I don't trust the institutions that are in place to care for our offspring and want to teach them truth not allow their heads to be filled with propaganda. -nothing easy about that. I hate leaving the house each day because I cannot control what happens in my absence, and I hate school because most of it seems like lies. Very expensive lies.