Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel hatred for my husband for no reason

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Salaam Alaikum Everyone,

I always ask myself why I am like this, but I can’t get an answer for myself, therefore I came here to share my pain. I always pray to Allah to help me get through it may Allah accept it.

Anyway, here is my story. I love my husband SOOO much. He is my first love and marriage but sometimes I hate him for no reason. I don’t want to see his face at all sometimes. He is a very good husband to me. Sometimes, I say to myself “you don’t deserve him” and that true.

 We went through tough times together and now when Allah has finally brought us together I became bad with him.

MY ATTITUDE GOT WORSE AFTER I GAVE BIRTH

I’m a very kind and understanding person I but I have this thing where if I get mad I don’t know who you are and I think bad of you but that feeling goes as soon as I become OK.  What’s worse is that I don’t even trust my husband at all. I don’t even care what he says, I just want to live in agreement for the sake of my daughter.

I think the Shaytaan is whispering in my ear, he can’t see us happy.  There is a saying that if a couple is really good to each other, one becomes bad and I have become that one.

Please help.

Yusra


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17 Responses »

  1. i feel i want to kill him when he spoke like that to insult me.

    really ridiculous.
    If he doesnt like to let me to expose his lie, then why he lie?

    • If you dont mind, how did you meet your husband in the first place ? I mean, were you in a relationship before marriage or was it family arranged.

    • Sister L,

      Please read the comments above, which may apply to your case. If you think it is different, please post your question as a separate post after you login.

      And please, don't translate your anger and your ignorance into a crime in the eyes of Allah and in the eyes of material law. Have patience and control your anger, which will do nothing but destroy you.

      Just say "A'oodhu Billahi Min ash Shaitaan ar Rajeem" whenever you get angry, in order to gain control on your behavior.

      Your husband deserves your love because you are his wife. You are his legally wed wife, he has right over you. He maybe having some expectations from you and not finding you supportive, because you were overreacting.

      For any further help, I request you to post your question separately, with some more details, as we shall be able to advise you better in this way.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you very much.
        I appreciate for your words and advice which seem to be useful and helpful to a person who is in the middle of anger and disappointment. The mind becomes cool with tears when reading those.

        I am sure you are right and it proves another thing that I wont commit any crime or sin by making true those angry words. So I am still knowing what I am doing but forget what I was saying when I am angry.

        Yes he needs my support in life and work, so thats the reason why he use lie to make me say yes? And i am overacting cause I shall be silent at any time when these happen,right?

        Now I am a muslim and in this biggest muslim family, I forgot everything when I was irritated. But even you didnt get much information from description, you support him and point out my anger and ignorance. So really obviously it is my fault and worng and sin to write here to express an anger to husband.

        I am really sorry for you if any trouble or unpleasant occured and I am sorry for myself to decide to post any comment without thinking.

        I appologize and I thank you all.

  2. I hate him and we fight again today. He lied for one thing. I cant aggree and suffer so I explore him. You know what he did then? He dared to curse me as bitch in front of other two persons.

    Really I am fedup of this kind of life.

  3. Dear Sister,
    Salam.

    Actually I have the same problem between my husband and me.

    I am sure I love him so much and so does he. And thats the reason why I ignore all and marry him in Islam.
    But after some days of new marriage, i found myself hate him for no reason and easily get angry.

    If we are just friends,not couples, I may feel he is very good friend and person. But as husband, I saw so many faults and lack of reality and life.

  4. i dont know whats happening to me either, i feel the same way but i think its the fact that he usually mistreats me but not in an abusive physical way, its an abusive verbal kind of way, it frustrates me to the fact that he is always screaming at me and telling me he doenst want me to visit my family, its that that makes me want to hate him at times i dont even feel like talking to him but then i go into my own world and cry all night, and i dont want that because every time i cry its in front of my baby, but shes asleep but i know she still feels me crying and i dont want to continue any more like, this, today i've tried all my best not to call nor text him cause i want to be strong in that matter of way!!!!

    help me ? what should i do..were legelly married and i dont want a divorce@__@

    Reply

    • Aileen, please log in and write your question as a separate post and we'll try to advise you Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Salaam,

    I can relate to your problems to some extent. I understand what you are going through and I think the issue stems from fear.

    Sometimes we fear that we may lose something we love so much because it causes us joy - we subconsciously then try and detatch ourselves so we can reduce the dependency on this external subject.

    I've studied Psychology in great depth and everyone is different but sometimes our resentment to men in particular maybe a reflection of our relationships or lack of relationship with a father figure.

    I have noticed behaviours in myself which anyone would deem as sure fire ways to have a break up - such as refusing to live with my husband when we first got married and keeping a distance. I realised in the end that it was fear, i wasn't allowing myself to be happy because i was scared i would lose the happiness so even before experiencing it, I would destroy it - in case I got dependent.

    Read namaz, meditate, do yoga and take bach flower remedies - I think Holly is a great one.

    Inshallah be positive and look for happiness

    xxx

  6. Salaam sister.

    Are you sure there is nothing else agitating you? Are you going through a stressful time or having financial difficulties? Has there been a big change to your life? This may have caused you to be irritable towards him. But all of the options above may be valid. You have to ask yourself some questions to try and find the root cause.
    Also definetly check your calender when you are feeling bouts of anger- It may be due to hormones. Maybe keep a 'diary' to see if there is a correlation between your feelings and the time/ your diet at the time etc.

    Protect yourself from Sihr - eat seven dates each morning. Say Surah Ikhlas, Falaq and Naas after each salat and 3x each after magrib, fajr and before sleeping. Say Ayah 255 of surah al baqarah at these times too.

    When you get cross or feel angry/resentful - take some time out. Seek refuge from Shaytaan. Drink some water slowly. Try to catch a minute alone. Sit or lie down and breathe slowly and deeply. Do tasbih. Try to breathe the tension out if you can.

    I just noticed - I think you mentioned on another post about your husband being friendly with his ex wife? Correct me if I'm wrong. I am not sure at what stage these posts were written, but do you think your anger for him stems from that? It is certainly possible.

    If you truly have no reason to be angry with him, then I definetly recommend a therapist as Brother Wael said.

    Whether you have a reason to be angry with him or not - try not to shout at him excessively or be aggressive. Even if he is in the wrong, shouting wont get you results. Be firm if necessary but not aggressive.

    I pray that Allah swt helps you.
    Ameen
    Sara
    Islamic Answers.com Editor
    x

  7. Sister Yusra, wa alaykum as-salam,

    Reading your post makes me wonder what kind of household you grew up in. What was your parents' relationship like? My guess is that they used to fight, or the relationship between them was rocky and volatile, so you have grown up expecting this. You don't know how to handle a calm, loving relationship.

    The fact that you tell yourself you don't deserve him, reinforces for me that the problem is not your attitude toward your husband, but your attitude toward yourself. I think you have some deep issues of lack of self-worth.

    I strongly recommend that you see a therapist or counselor who can help you explore your past and discover how you ended up this way, and then teach you a better way of relating to your husband.

    I also recommend that you try to be very regular in your salat (prayer) and dhikr (remembering Allah), as this will help to balance you emotionally. Be grateful to Allah and thank Him for His blessings, and realize that your good husband is one of those blessings.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. It maybe your hormones playing havoc with your emoyions as you state you have had a baby.Have you noticed when you feel more hatred for your husband I suffered from a similar problem and kept track of my moods and noticed that around the time of my menesration I couldn't stand my husband if that is a similar problem to mine then you should go and see the doctor.

  9. Sudden hatred for ones spouse, without reason, is a reknowned form of Sihr, black magic. It is one done to break up a couple and one of the popular sign is that of feeling hatred for ur spouse for no apparent reason and feeling extreme discomfort around them yet at peace and happy without them.

    Perhaps you should consult a reliable RAAQI who can find out if you are affected by that. Make sure it is a reliable AUTHENTIC raaqi and not another magician who will be trying to cure u through 'white' magic astaghfirullah.

    Was salaam

  10. As salamu alaykum Yusra,

    Alhamdulillah, thank you for opening your Heart. You have a strong pain as I see, if you don´t have any reasons to suspect of your husband, then you should give up your attitude, it is not healthy, build up trust with little things, communication is a good way, be there for him and ask him to be for you.

    The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has taught us some strategies for dealing with anger. For example, he said:
    --------------- “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.” [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 4, No. 502] "Audhu billahi misnash shaitani Rajeem"

    -----------------And he said,
    “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766)

    ----------------Abu Dharr narrated: The Apostle of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4764]

    --------------- In another hadith, the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said: “If one of you becomes angry then he should be silent.”

    --------------- Narrated ‘Abdur Rahman bin Abi Bakra: Abu Bakr wrote to his son who was in Sijistan: Do not judge between two persons when you are angry, for I heard the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, saying: “A judge should not judge between two persons while he is in an angry mood.”

    Related to food, please avoid coffe and black tea and all this kind of drinks that overstimulate the nervous system, you need to eat balance and take care of yourself. Try to sleep well and if you have a bit of time when the baby is sleeping you can record the next text and listening to it, it is a beautiful and comforting relaxation, that I hope it may help you, insha´Allah.

    http://islamicsunrays.com/islamic-meditation-for-relaxation-and-spiritual-comfort/comment-page-1/#comment-7690

    I am sure you will try your best, insha´ Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Hi,

    I am sorry things turn out this way but did you try getting help from a shrink. Or you can read about how mind works and see why are you overreacting. I think it hard to not to get angry with someone or the way that the things are but maybe you can cope with your anger if you know what are you overreacting to specifically., And maybe you can discuss this with your husband . Maybe he is doing something triggering your emotions. You can find out what it is and ask him to be careful on his manners and not do that. Meanwhile, you can red about historical figures and how they controlled their anger. Hope everything will go back to normal. I guess finding out your weaknesses and try to train your brain in a way which will help you to lead a better life would help.

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