Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Have I made the wrong decision?

decision making, two directions


I was considering a guy for marriage. We had several telephone conversations and met up four times. I had my doubts as he was very different from me personality wise and appeared to be a little immature but thought that he was from a good family, I was getting older. He was religious and he liked me. I thought in time that I could grow to like and eventually love him, and can overcome my doubts so I said yes. However immediately after I had said yes it felt wrong very wrong. I became filled with fear and began to become irritated and angry with him. He began to show sides to his personality which I disliked he was argumentative and stubborn. We began to have arguments and disagreements. I'm usually a very patient person however I began showing a very impatient side. I found this very upsetting as this was not who I am. I started to find him extremely immature and difficult to talk to. I did not want to say no after already saying yes, as I know I would not like it if a guy had done this to me.

I decided to perform istakhara as I recall that sometimes we dislike what is good for us and like what is bad for us. I performed it for 7 days. I continued to feel negative about the proposal, so after a while I decide to say no to the guy.

I am now fearing that I may have made the wrong decision by saying no, that I have not followed Allah's guidance correctly. The reason for this fear is because I am now thinking that maybe I was harsh, I should have given it more time and tried to be more patient. After all he is religious, and I believe he is a good person who does care for me.

I am now unsure about my decision, I do not know if this is genuine or is it just guilt for saying no.

I pray that Allah guides me onto the right path if indeed I have made the wrong decision. Guidance and dua will be very much appreciated.


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18 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Once upon a time there was a young girl who loved God so much, and wanted nothing but to find a husband was religious. She met a man who impressed her with how religious he was but she struggled with feeling attracted to him. They made plans to marry, and as time went on toward the wedding she started to notice several serious flaws in his character and she still was not feeling entirely attracted to him. However, she felt that because he was religious and so was she, God would not let their marriage fail and she trusted in that.

    After they married, things went from bad to worse. The character flaws she saw before the marriage became more frequent and intense, until the marriage became completely unbearable for her. With time, it became clear that his "religiosity" was just an illusion and not something he was truly sincere about in his heart. She was not willing to raise their children in a home like this, and the marriage ended after 5 years.

    Even then, she wondered if she had done the right thing. After all, they did have children together and children want their parents to stay married. As the years passed after the divorce, she watched her exhusband deteriorate into a bitter shell of a man who could barely make his own life for himself. She realized then, that she and her children were much better off without him and that the decision she made was best, although it probably would've been better if she had done it sooner.

    Does this story hit a nerve? It's the story of my first marriage. I did the thing you are considering doing, and tried to be patient and trusting hoping that the good things I thought I saw in him would be enough to turn around all my misgivings and all the red flags. Reading your post, it seems like your intuition is telling you to walk away. Your istikhara is telling you to walk away. The way he is bringing the worst out in you and not the best, and your conflict with one another (before marriage, even!) is a sign to walk away. Why would you do anything else?

    I think that you are feeling guilt that you seemed to give a commitment and now you are taking it back. For people who feel that they should always keep their word, this is a hard thing to work through even when it's the right thing to do. There's nothing wrong with changing course when a fog lifts, instead of sticking to a course that is going to head you straight off a cliff. If you stick to the decision you made by letting him go, with time you will see that it was in fact the best decision for you and you will feel confident about it inside and be glad you didn't waver. Trust me, there are plenty of guys out there who are capable of caring for you, but you will know someone is the right one for you when you feel at peace inside about him and he helps you become a better person instead of what you described....and of course, the istikhara should confirm that he is suited for you as well insha'Allah.

    -Amy Editor

    • wow Amy a lot of people can learn from your story sometimes we think the religious guy is everything but its actually whats in his heart which is the most important thing just out of curiosity did you ever remarry! again!

    • Asalam Alaykum sister,

      I just read this post and lot of things are starting to make sense about my own situation. Forgive me to ask but is it possible communicate confidentially. If not then I understand. I have few questions and I want to confirm my own views.


      • Fes, we do not do one-on-one advice through email or phone, because of the volume of questions we receive. You can submit your own question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

        Wael Editor

  2. there are other men out there he isn't the only guy out there!

  3. Great answer Amy!

    I have trouble submitting my question...its still pending can anybody help?

  4. Dear Fatema,

    I think you have made the right decision, as you said your personalitys were different and you said even after you did istikhara you had negative feelings. You did not feel good about it.Therefore you did not make the wromg decision and you are feeling gulity and you should not feel guilty because I cannot see that you have done wrong. Please move on from this and rest assured there are plenty of other suitable people available.Life does not end or stop here.

    You seem like a nice person and you derserve the best and please read surah Mariyam after Fajr Prayer and then read do dua for a suitable person to enter your life. You should do this for 41 days.Inshallah you will find a suitable partner.

    Please get back tome and tellme what happens.

    Allah Hafiz.

  5. thanks amy, it helped me too. jazakallah

  6. Salaam

    I wonder if anyone could help me in a similar (although not same) situation.

  7. Hello

    I need some advise, can you help?
    Thank you

  8. Salaam
    I want to understand the meaning of Dua and marriage as I have read several versions and it has only confused me

    I am a muslim sister at the age of 30 wanting to get married. I met someone (family friend), we wanted to get married, did istikhara and there were mixed signs, mostly negative. Both of us were heartbroken but we were told circumstances can change therefore istikara can change over time, so we held onto that. Apparently black magic/Nazar can have an impact on the ‘feeling’ you may get during istikhara. What if this is why we feel negative we questioned?

    We both have tried for marriage for years historically & it never seems to happen. This time we both were convinced we are made for each other, yet again it’s the same old story…bad feelings. Has someone created marriage restrictions for us both?? via to Black magic/Nazar? We are both 30 why at this age this is happening?

    For this reason we went to see a Maulana who gave us extracts to read from the Qu’ran. He said if you are affected by any bm/nazar then this ilaaj will eliminate it. Allhamdulillah we both felt calm and positive after this treatment. It made a world of difference. He experienced strange shakimgs during the night etc so Allah knows if he was affected. He has been to see people in the past for nazar
    Simply reading extract directly from the Quran helped us both. Maulana said if we both agree to dedicate our lifestyle towards deen, then nothing can affect our marriage, so we both very positively went forward with this mindframe.

    Families met, we were setting dates, marriage was due next year.

    However he started feeling scared & doubtful as time went on. His worries are based on a 100 things, some so irrelevant but he worries about them. I can’t change that. I tried but a persons heart cannot be influenced. He decided to go Ummah for peace and guidance during Ramadhan. He came back and within 2 weeks called it off. He felt uneasy. That was his reason. He was unhappy for months he said.

    As you can imagine I was heartbroken. With no real reason, my rishta broke? Unhappiness & doubt can come from the shaitaan too right? He said he tried and tried to find peace and couldn’t. He was unhappy. Some of it was due to our silly childlike arguments & as he is so sensitive with words, this added to his unhappy feeling. In marriage these arguments will happen for fun, you need to be strong and fight the whispers from the shaitaan. My family are upset, more due to the way he’s committed to me then called it off. They don’t want him anywhere near me.

    Allhamdulillah since he’s back from Umrah, his deen has changed dramatically. He says if it is written then nothing can change it. But he can’t go ahead with his unhappy feeling. He does sometimes question what if he’s making a mistake but its still a no.

    My question is can my dua have any impact on this situation? My heart is telling me he has made the wrong decision. I have cried endlessly because I have lost someone based on no valid reason. And I make dua to Allah to make him see and bring him back. Is my dua wrong? How does dua work vs marriage? Because Allah has already written our fate, but then dua can change this?

    I know most people will give me the same advise I’ve heard a million times, and with the above yes I’d say the same.
    But my question is towards how can my dua have any impact on my future with him? I am heartbroken hence I am trying so so hard for this. I don’t want to lose him. Allah knows best. My heart keeps saying this is not right. He made the wrong decision

    Jazakallah Khair

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