Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel I have no reason to live

 

guilt sins forgive

I really hope someone can help me. I've reached the bottom of my life. I feel like I am dying little by little every day. The pain is killing me. The doubts are worrying me. I don't see any future. I'm scared and confused.

I wrote about my life story in the first post, (He can’t get over my past; Is it ever going to work? - August 25, 2013) about the things I went through and the suffering I had. I really had hope that my boyfriend would forgive me and we would move on. He agreed to give a try on that. Not even 1 day passed, and he said it's better to try forget each other. He said "how I will tell my children that you had men before". He said even if we stay together, in the end he won't marry me and other things, which just shocked me. He never told me such cruel things before. I guess because it's Ramadan and he was fasting, he couldn't lie.

Now please, I can't understand how he can act this way and pretend a good muslim, when he is hurting another person so badly. How he can even fast??? He was always telling me that I am from very religious family, and I follow religion. Then please could you explain to me? Since he came here and met me, he said that he was looking only for fun. Is that called a good muslim? He always says he wants to marry a virgin, but yet he committed a sin with me?? He is not a virgin and now he wants a virgin? He says 'how I will tell my children that you had men before". So I am wondering how he will tell his future wife that he was with me for 1 year?? Actually, since he came to my country, in the beginning he was going to clubs a lot and drinking with new classmates. Since he met me, I kept him away from all this.

He usually was telling me: "do you know what sacrifice I am doing?  That I'm being with you?" I never got it really. And what sacrifice I was doing for him? I did everything for him. Why he was lying for me for so long? He knew everything about me. I asked him to leave if he couldn't handle it when I was still not so into him. He stayed. He was making me suffer so much. One time he was so nice with me, then so cold. He was full of doubts but still keeping me next to him.

So please, I am confused, from the beginning he knew that he won't marry me, but he was still being with me? He even made me meet his father. So it's just a total mess. I can't get it. He was always pointing out that if not for my past, he would have gotten engaged with me long ago; and if not for my past, he would love for me to carry his baby. How many promises he made and never kept. He gave me hope, and in the end, I can't describe my pain right now.

I was always happy the way he is, even though he had so many things in his character that I didn't like. And he was always complaining about anything I did. God knows I wasn't guided and some things that he wanted me to do (like stop going out, dressing differently and others) was hard for me in the beginning, because he was raised differently, and I was raised differently. Despite all of that, I was doing it all for him. Even if I do the smallest mistakes, he always says "oh, I told you not to do this or that, not to dress like this or that, and you still did it". Some things looked bad to him, but to me I never really realized anything bad in it. For example, to go out in the day time with my girlfriends (they would come with their husband or boyfriend) to play bowling or go to the cinema. Once I did that, he got totally angry saying that he can't trust me. He said what I shouldn't do. What's the saddest thing is that he wouldn't come to join, and he didn't let me enjoy it either.

Since he left me, I feel I have no reason to live. I really put so much hope on this guy. I always think of such an example: if there were 2 groups of students and they had exam in coming days, one group was guided by my wonderful teacher, who taught all the things, and other was learning on their own, which group would get better grades? Of course the one which was guided. This guy, as he said, is from a very religious family, was guided in the right way since he was young, and he still did haram sin, even though he knew all the consequences.

So he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he still did it. God sees, I never truly understood what I was doing. If I knew all the consequences and pain I would have in future, I would have never even looked with an eye corner to a man. Now since he left me, I blame myself so badly, and I blame my parents. I just feel terrible. If I gave so much heart to this person, and he still did this to me, than there is no point in living anymore.

This guy he is so proud of himself, so self confident. He always points out that in Islam there are main things, which are the most important. One of them is religion, and also reputation. Reputation??? So mainly how it went was, each time we went out and saw any Arabic people around, he asked to go another place, so they wouldn't see him drinking. Each time we walked in somewhere and he saw some of his friends, he asked to chose another way so they wouldn't see us (he said why get problems, when those people are gossiping so much, it's better that they won't see and we don't have any problem). When a person you love acts this way, it's just heart breaking.

So mainly they hide bad things they do, and get a good reputation and that how it goes?? And people like me who are honest, they just judge and destroy their lives with their dirty tongues? Some people even invented fake stories about me. Since my boyfriend- sorry, ex boyfriend- left to another country, I was told that the same day he left I was seen in the shop holding a guy's hand and hugging him. That was just -I don't even know what to say. And why are people doing like this? I asked the person's name, but my boyfriend didn't tell me. He said next time if I will need something, he won't say it for me. Can you believe it????

Now I feel like my life is not worth anything. Since he left me I don't have any self confidence; he made me feel as if I would be worth nothing,  and that no matter how hard I try, I won't be happy. I am totally depressed, and I can't forget my past. I am so angry at my parents. I told in my first post about how I lost my virginity, but there are things I didn't mention. The man took a video of us. He was telling me if I won't make sex with him he will show everyone.

If my parents were looking after me, I would have never met this guy. I met him on internet, I had a profile there. For God's sake, how could my parent's let me have such a thing when I was only 15?? And what's worse, I told my mom I wanted to meet this guy. She didn't say anything about it. I can't forgive her.

This guy, only God knows what bad things he told about me to his friends, that they started writing me and asking me to meet. My mom, she knew I usually tell her if I want to meet a guy. Now when I asked her "why didn't you save me from all this?" she said, "but how did I know you did those bad things with those guys?" I just have no words.

God knows, I was going a totally wrong way. I imagine everything opposite than it is. I thought if you do everything for the guy, he will fall in love and stuff. Now I feel so sorry for myself. I didn't know a thing about men and their bad intentions. I never had bad intentions. I never meet any guy because I wanted to please myself. Why did this thing happen to me? I hate my past, but I don't know how to get over it. I blame myself, and I blame my parents. I don't want to blame my dad because he died some time ago. I don't know really, my parents didn't show me a good example. They didn't even seem happy together.

I lost all my hope, and I don't want to live anymore. I lost all my happiness in this life. Even I gave all my heart to this person, he still did this to me. I just feel terrible. I don't even want to meet my friends, I don't want anything at all. I can't sleep or eat.

I am so scared of God, will He ever forgive me? Why did He let those bad people spread bad things about me with their dirty tongues? I prayed so much that He would save me from such thing. One of those people even told me, "everyone knows about what you did, and the only option for you is to go to another country where no one knows you". Can you imagine, those people made my life a nightmare, plus they are much worse than me.

When my ex-boyfriend bought me a gift for Valentine's day, his friends pointed out: "why do you buy anything for this girl, she is European? Why spend money on them?" How cruel. Those people are even doing temporarily marriage. They invite a girl to their flat, they pray something from the Koran, than they ask a girl to repeat some words in Arabic. After they have sex they give a present or something back, so they think God will forgive them this sin. Sorry, but what the hell??? And these are real Muslims? The ones that judge others for their sins? It's disgusting!

Please, how do I forgive those all people that did this to me? How do I forgive my parents and myself? I can't forgive my ex boyfriend. I wish God pays him back what he did for me and for all those people who destroyed my life. Now in the first place is God. I just hope He can forgive me. Please, I really need help, if I don't manage to calm down myself, I will get ill. My health went really down, and I am really scared.

Thanks for reading, I hope to get a reply as soon as possible. It's really urgent for me because I am getting worse and worse 🙁

God bless all people who are suffering and are in pain 🙁

-Daisy


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11 Responses »

  1. May the peace and blessings of God be upon you Sister, and may He descend tranquility and His mercy into your heart.

    My dear Sister, I really felt your story very deep inside my heart, and I wished I could help you, but I realized that it's only God who can help you. God loves you so much more than any human being on earth. Just stay calm and give your heart to God, He will cue it for you smoothly ok. Just ask Him to forgive you, and He will forgive and guide you ok.

    Now that you have understood that, what happened in your life happened unknowingly, it's now the time for you to open your eyes and face the world with the guidance of God. I know how you feel, because it's hard to believe that someone you sacrificed your heart for has eventually betrayed you, but the thing is he is just the loser, because he won't find again someone that will give him the kind of heart you gave for him. Your heart is a really kind and special one, and it deserves a better place (not like him), and the only One who can help your heart to get to that special place is The Almighty God. So please start from God, and don't believe those who tell you that, there are no hopes in life left for you, in deed they have lied because no one knows anything about the reality of your life (from birth to death) except your Only One Creator.

    God created you and brought you on this earth in order for you to worship him, and then you got lost as soon as you got on the earth, but now (thank God) you have found your way and have realized the purpose of your life (which is to worship God), so just follow this purpose gradually, and you will see that the life will begin to be smoothly for you and your enemies will become ashamed because they didn't believe you could make it again, but your God proved them wrong.

    God says in the Holy Quran: "I did not create the jinn and the humans except to worship Me. I need no livelihood from them, nor do I need them to feed Me. God is the Provider, the One with Power, the Strong." Quran 51: 56-58.

    My dear Sister, think about your Creator and think about how to do good deeds to please him, if you do that He will think of you more than you do for Him. Just think with your heart while talking to God, you will feel like God is telling you, """O' my servant come closer and give your heart to Me, I shall forgive you and wash your heart with my mercy and tranquility, and then I shall make you like a new born baby and then make your life a better life""".

    My sister, don't you believe that if God makes your life a better life that He is capable of sending to you a special Man, who will understand the importance of your special heart, and who will honor it and protect it from breaking, and then love you the way you wanted to be loved??? This is how you wanted your boyfriend to be like, but unfortunately he couldn't because God created your heart for someone better than him. Just relax and get closer to God, start worshiping Him daily, and pray to Him, you will eventually see what I am saying.

    As for your parent, it might not be their fault that you went through all this; perhaps they were not guided as well, so it's possible that they shall be guided through you when you give your life completely to God. So do not blame them for anything, just focus on your own self for now ok.

    Below is a chapter from the Holy Quran with 8 verses that I would like to share with you my Sister, even though you are not a Muslim yet, but it's ok if you could just read it sometimes when you are free, and I believe God will calm your heart by that.

    Sometimes when I am weak and feel like to lose hope in life, I just read it while meditating in it meanings, and then I get strengthen again, and then I feel like there are still MORE hopes for me in life, because their meaning feels as though God is actually talking to me and comforting me.

    Here we go my Sister, God says in the Holy Quran:

    In the name of God, the Gracious, the Merciful.

    1. Did we not soothe your heart?
    2. And lift from you your burden?
    3. Which weighed down your back?
    4. And raised for you your reputation?
    5. With hardship comes ease.
    6. With hardship comes ease.
    7. When your work is done, turn to devotion.
    8. And to your Lord turn for everything.

    Quran 94: 1-8.
    http://clearquran.com/quran-chapter-094.html

  2. i agree with sister issah nice response.Daisy i think you should convert to Muslim maybe it will make things much better pray 5 times a day read koran daily and read ayatul qursi when ur in a situation like this inshallah things will go well for u sister daisy.

  3. DEAR SISTER-
    if I don't manage to calm down myself, I will get ill. My health went really down, and I am really scared.
    SEE THIS IS THE STATE OF YOURS BECAUSE YOU ARE CARING FOR THOSE WHO DIDNT CARE FOR YOU-
    LEAVE THEM ALONE THINK U WENT IN A GROUP OF ANIMALS AND CAME OUT WITH YOUR LIFE SAVED AND NOW CARE FOR YOUR LIFE LEAVE THEM ALONE THEY ARE STIGMA ON THE NAME OF MUSILMS-

    DONT EVER THINK A MUSLIM CAN DO WHAT THEY DID-ISLAM IS DIFERENT BY WHAT YOU SAW IN THEM AND YOU TASTE THE FAITH BY ATTACHING YOURSELF TO ALLAH YOUR LORD AND MY LORD-
    Tazkîyah in the Arabic language means purification of something (from adulterants), its growth and development and to bring it to the height of its perfection.Tazkiyah: Purification of the Soul........IS YOUR SAVING FROM THE SITUATION-It was the guarantee for our survival and the nectar of our life.......
    Renouncing materialism (Zuhd): Zuhd means giving priority to the after life. Preferring the material world is severely condemned by the Qur’an.
    “Tazkiyat an-Nafs is the basis for development and improvement of the personality. It is a long, pro-active, and uphill task. It is not an easy esoteric rite or overnight formula. Misunderstanding of Tazkiyah manifests when people look for quick methods of becoming better.
    Human Efforts Toward Tazkiyah
    The human can do a lot to refine the soul (Nafs). The Qur'an talks about humans who purified themselves and about human efforts toward refinement (35:18). Humans have been described by the Qur'an as clean (19:19). Some human self-refinement, Tazkiyah, involves: correct and firm `Aqidah, fulfillment of acts of worship, avoiding the forbidden, generally being conscious of the Creator, and constant meditation about the creation. This is followed by personal development and improvement, which consist of a good character and behavior; assertiveness, and self-confidence. An individual may not succeed alone. Living in a righteous community surrounded by others is necessary to motivate and encourage refinement. Islam is a practical religion. Achievement of purity is through action. Good behavior, avoiding bad behavior, and being strong and assertive in making correct choices is the practical way to purity.
    Preliminaries of Tazkiyah

    Good intentions: Tazkiyah is not accidental. It is a pro-active process. It must be based on the good and sincere intention to please Allah and draw near to Him. The process ofTazkiyah can not be sustained if done for other reasons.
    Vigilance against Satan: Satan is an enemy of humans. A human who wants to stay pure must be vigilant against Satan's influence. Satan has limited influence over human action. He causes waswasah (Satanic whispers). He leads astray. Satan is never away from humans.
    ITS HIGH TIME U TURNED TO YOUR CREATOR -THIS IS ONLY OPTION FOR YOUR SURVIVAL-
    REGARDS

  4. I won't advice you I will paste one quote

    A flower can only blossom if it has the right amount of air, light and water. Don't expect your imaan to blossom without the rainy days.

    Hope you will understand 🙂

  5. Thanks for the comments and advises, I really appreciate that. God is great! I feel really better at the moment. I believe that God really loves me. I went trough so many things, and my heart still full of love. Specially for the God. He helped me to go trough the hard times. Now I am ready to blossom and never stop blossom 🙂

    • I am so glad to know that you feel so much better now, my Sister Diasy. May The Almighty God continue to bestow His mercy and tranquility into your life and heart!!!

      Peace

  6. Dear sis
    let bygones be bygones,your past will never be changed coz its already gone my dear focus on your future cozz it holds alot for u.dont let your past life destroy u.its good u understand dat GOD is always there to help us up whenever we fall down and let me tell u one secret lil sister dat in life we got ups n downs and islam solves all d problems and it is d true salvation dear,dis world will pass away dear but d word of Allah taala will never pass so dear try to read d quran ponder over it and i swear u will realise d difference,may Allah guide u,protect u and make your life easy dear sister

    cheers

  7. Sister, I don't know you at all but one thing I can say with 100% guarantee..that guy was not worth even your little finger.You should thank Allah for sending him out of your life.Remember one thing sis, every body sins.Some more than others, but nobody is perfect.NOBODY.therefore nobody has the right to judge you.How dare these people spread these rumors about you with their filthy tongues?how dare that guy judge u on something he indulged in himself?But dearest sis, remember, Allah is the Almighty, the Just.Such people usually get what they deserve in this world, and DEFINITELY in the hereafter.Allah will take revenge on your behalf,don't you worry about that.Now sis I want you to get one thing in your head and keep it there.You are NOT dirty, you are not tainted,you are NOT impure,you are NOT a bad person.everyone sins in one way or the other,so everyone is a sinner.but a BAD person is one who sins against others, uses them and hurts them.You come across as someone who wouldn't even hurt a fly.the only person you've sinned against is yourself, and Allah is Merciful , Forgiving.you never had any clear guidance of right and wrong and it looks like you're repenting with a sincere heart, so insha'Allah Allah will wipe u as clean of sin as a new born baby.Can't say the same about this guy and the gossip mongers though.And you are way more of a better Muslimah than these people.keep telling yourself that and believe it.Try to change ur circle of acquaintances.Say Salat regularly,recite the Quran with translation, remember Allah at all times while happy and sad.are u a student or do u have a job?throw urself into ur career and advance yourself.be good to everyone you meet, give charity, try to help others in any way u can,so people see that there's more to you than what the gossips say.Take up a good hobby.Read,paint,cook.There is so much in this world to learn and explore.Try and learn more about Islam.And in the future do not be dependant on anyone for your emotional needs except Allah ( and insha'Allah ur future husband).I know you're hurting so bad ,right now.Your head feels like its gonna explode any sec from the sheer pain.but trust me, it will pass.IT WILL PASS.you give yourself all the time.you need to heal.Cry,curse the guy in your heart,beat ur pillow to a pulp.this is part of the healing process.And remember,Allah always listens to the prayer of the oppressed.but just don't give up.there are people here who are praying for you and want to see you get over this and make a success of your life,hard as it may seem now.Best of luck, dearest sis.

    • Hey sweety, thanks for your care and support! You wrote a really wise sentence...how dare that guy judge u on something he indulged in himself?
      I just finished my studies this year. Now I'm looking for a job, hopefully soon I'll start working, that will make me even more busy.
      Thanks again for your reply, best wishes 🙂

      • Glad I could be of help, sis.I've been praying for you ever since I read your post.Insha'Allah this time of pain will pass soon.Best of luck with finding a job, and insha'Allah you will reach the top of the ladder, professionally and personally too!!!

  8. Dear sister Daisy,

    I am commenting here cuz I felt like u resemble me a lot except sum differences. There was a lot of ppl I trusted and wrongfully trusted expecting love and I got nothing out of it. I commented on your other post too and will tell u that this is a sign from Allah. He is taking you away from this bad person sorry to say. You may have been honest and sincere but ur ex was not. He was worried abt his pride, and just was time passing. I have been there and I know exactly how painful it can be to hear all those fake lies, promises and then not be fulfilled.

    I know its hard my dear sister. Im going thru a lot rite now too and I find some peace when I come here on this site. But Im so glad you are here like me and have made the effort to write your problem and alhamdulillah you are getting support. Yes you made mistakes, and sumtimes we dont have guidance but we have to be the bigger and better person to forgive especially our parents. I know you cant change the past and whats happened has happened but Im only telling u this cuz guilt and anger will only make things worst towards your parents.

    As for ppl that have hurt you you have every right to be upset at them and yes Allah will take care of it trust me Ive seen it. If sumone hurts sumone they do get questioned and will not be saved from Allahs punishment. As muslims it is not nice to gossip even if we do kno sumthing bad abt sumone. I think the community ur ex was in was a big influence on him and these ppl well lets just say Allah will take care of them my sweet sister. I know it hurts, ppl are just so good at talking abt others its like they have nothing better to do but u know wht be strong u are a good person, u have to face them. When we have Allah we can face anything.

    I know its not easy getting over a breakup as Ive been there myself. But the best medicine is time and of course asking God for help. I myself have noticed one thing over the years. I may have tried to find friends that cud listen to me and everytime I did that they turned their backs on me or was just so rude. But just today, I am starting to pray again alhamdullilah and I hope I stay this way and I pray you get better soon and may Allah make u strong and give you someone that wil give u the same amount of care and love you deserve.

    Please take care of yourself and feel free to talk anytime,

    Noorkh786

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