Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I have to choose between my mother and the guy I love



"Paradise lies under the Mother's feet"

Dear Brother, I badly need your advise on a very urgent matter. I am 45 years old and still unmarried working as a lecturer in a university, my father died in my childhood and my only brother who was 16 years older than me died 3 years back, mother is very old and she is also suffering from arthiritus.

Throughout my life I faced my problems in all walks of life but the major hurdles that I received was regarding marriage matters, i consulted many religious people and they told me that I have a very strong bandish on me due to which I am unable to get married, I read many wazaif for the past 5-7 years but bandish was always there but now Alhumdolillah it is all clear but before clearing it has given me a very tough time, I loved someone for the past three years but suddenly he changed and got married to his cousin in last september and I was broken internally, all shattered and hopeless and depressed but about a month ago I met someone who happens to be my student as well more than 15 years younger than me belongs to a well off family but he has a problem he is paralyzed due to an accident happened one and a half year back, we become good friends pretty soon as he lost his love recently as well, and I was planning to turn friendship into relationship and I felt that he want the same but now I have a much much more bigger problem than I can even think of.

When I talked to my mother about that he wants to come to our home she said ok but then she asked me do I have some feeling for him as well and I told her the truth hoping that she would support me, but against my expectation she become so rebellious that he is paralyzed and all that I said I don't have any problem in that and tried to convince her that it is from Allah and He may cure him and all the Anbiya-e-karam were put to trials as well and only their wives hep them at that time but she shouted so much so I had to tell him not to come and I showed my anger on him but he is such a nice soul he become so much depressed as he is already suffering and bearing so much in life.

Now I am totally lost I don't know what to do, I want to marry him because I love him so much even I can wait for things to get clear, I am already 45 and I don't want to lose such a nice and helpful guy at this age, but I don't know what to do about my mother as I cannot leave her as she is dependant on me for everything and I don't know how long she will live. I need someone in my life to at least be there for me and support me as well and the guy can do that as he is from a well of family.

So brother please guide me, if I accept my mother's decision than I will be left alone and if I take my own decision than would it be hurting and disobeying my mother, so brother please guide me in this regards as I really love the guy and my mom both.

- Pakeeza

Sara's answer:

Assalaamu alaikum sister. I do not usually answer in text, but I have been through your situation some years back. I feel now Alhumdulilah I can view the situation objectively and I just wanted to give my opinion. MashaAllah you have a very big heart my dear sister, and I am sorry to hear what you are going through. First of all sister, in Islam pre-marital relationships are not allowed, so all contact you have with any non-mahram should be within islamic bounds. Also if you certain that are not able to marry him due to your mother, despite your age it is better to let him go. Otherwise it will hurt you a lot more later on. Do not be too angry with your mother as well - her reaction is not fair to this guy, but try to look at things from her point of view. Your mother naturally wants someone who can look after you easily and probably fears you will simply have to look after him. I am not discriminating against paraplegics in any way sister, please forgive me if it seems so, but choosing one as a spouse is a hard choice. May Allah have mercy on them. You have to deal with their daily pain, which is only natural and their pain is your pain. There are also a huge number of restrictions in a relationship. So take care to think things through carefully before you take any decision. Be aware of them. Also if you are able to do it islamically, discuss with him future plans - make sure you want the same things. I.e. does he want to adopt. Beware of expectations, avoid them so be thorough in finding out.

Also please ask yourself do you actually love this guy, or are you just in need of emotional support? I know you are worried about your age and marriage, so are you just so keen to get married? Nevermarry in a haste due to age. Assess your reasons for wanting to marry him and make sure they are good reasons. On hindsight, I realise that I had an emotional void in my life and he provided me with support. We relied on each other too much. Never love someone because you need them, you should need them because you love them.

It was only a year later I realised that void was due to me being less close to my deen. So work to get closer to Allah swt, and improve your relationship with Him. Do your salat, ask Him to give you the best spouse for you, make dua. This is so important! Remember when love of something or somebody exceeds the love you have for Allah, it becomes bad.

If you really are sure about marriage to this man, and he is happy then the best thing is to try to convince your mother after a bit of time. Have a heart to heart with her, assure her you love her and will never leave her and ask about her concerns with you marrying this guy. It could be that she feels you won't be looked after. Or she may even be worried you will no longer look after her. Reassure her and be nice to her, even if she gets annoyed. Give her some time to adjust. You could try to get someone influential and pious to speak to her. Make sure you do istikhaarah beforehand - and trust in Allah. He has a plan for you dear sister and He knows whats best for you and for this guy. Please read the istikhaarah links:

Istikhara in the Light of the Sunnah

Salat Al-Istikhara in Arabic

May Allah swt give you whats best for you, have mercy on all brothers and sisters in this guys situation and make us thankful for the blessing He's bestowed upon us.


Sara Editor

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2 Responses »

  1. Dear Pakeeza, Walaykumsalaam,

    I agree with Sara, she gave a very balanced and thoughtful reply maashAllah.

    Sister, you know this brother more than I or anyone else on this website. So if you believe that he can fulfil the role of a husband to you now and in the future then give it serious consideration. A few questions to ask are:

    - Can he financially maintain you and a family? Or can you both do something together to secure a regular income?
    - Is he God fearing?
    - Is he a striving Muslim?
    - Does he want to try for children? If neither of you can have children, due to age or health reasons, do you want to adopt/foster? If yes, is he willing to do this?
    - Are you attracted to him mentally and physically?

    If the answer to these questions is yes, then try to convince your mother, use an Imam if you have to. Even if your mother is not happy, its time for you to think a little about yourself now. Its hurtful when we do not have parental support, but sometimes, we need to think independantly. Do you have any other family support? If so, ask them to help convince your mother. If you dont look out for yourself, you will eventually lose the drive and spirit to do anything and as time passes. You will more helpful to your mother as a happily married woman than a lonely unhappy single woman.

    You are not doing anything wrong by looking out for yourself. If this is right for you, prove to your mother that it can work.

    ***Ask someone to act as your Wali - an paternal/maternal uncle or an Imam. They can help you to do determine all the answers to all those questions. Having a wali will help you feel protected and secure.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. assalamou alaikom
    i ask allah to help u sister

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