Do I have to get pregnant right away after marriage?
As'salamu Alykum everyone 🙂
It's that time where I'm starting to think about marriage... My sister recently has gotten married and is already pregnant. (mashallah) However, when I sat down and spoke to her I joked around with her saying "Whoa your already pregnant!! It's way to soon" and she rolled her eyes basically saying I don't know any better and I should keep my mouth shut.
Well today I guess it all came out and she told me, when a women gets married its considered nasib (fate) if she gets pregnant or not, and can't control it... So I mentioned birth control, and she said no if a girl takes birth control before her first baby she'll have problems getting pregnant! So I guess I brushed it off, until she continued saying..
"When it's a girls first time with her husband it'll hurt really really bad!!! And it'll take a month for her to get used to him."
I'm very modest and extremely shy girl, so I didn't reply I just kept my mouth shut...
Basically what I'd like to know is two things, is there anything wrong with getting on birth control? I'm not against having kids, in fact I LOVE kids, but i don't want to have then soon 🙁
My second question, when it's a girls first time I read (in islamic books) that if there's foreplay is involved it won't hurt. (any advice)
I'm sorry if I was being too graphic but I would like islamic advice on these two questions of mine.
Jazick Allah.
- modest101
(Note from Editor to those who comment on this post: Let's keep the responses non-graphic, please. It's possible to answer without using explicit sexual descriptions and terms).
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Salaams,
Your questions are completely understandable, and we welcome questions like these so others who are curious but too shy to ask can still find the information they might be looking for. We shouldn't be ashamed to talk about things that are natural and common to anyone who is married or thinking about marrying.
I'll start by answering your question about the "first time". To be honest, every woman (and man's, probably) experience is not the same. Some women have no discomfort at all, and some have extreme discomfort, so much so that the consummation is not completed. There really is no way to tell what the experience will be like for you, despite what it may have been like for your sister. Some of the factors which are going to play a role are your physical attraction to your husband, how nervous you are at the time, your physical structure, and of course, foreplay. Without trying to sound gross, some women are naturally built with more space than others, so needless to say some women are already going to have a challenge with discomfort based on that. Most of the time, though, any "space issues" are usually resolved with time, experience, and relaxation.
When you have your wedding night, you should try to get into as relaxed a state as possible. This is where foreplay helps. When I say foreplay, I'm not talking strictly about kissing and petting etc, but about conversation, flirting, just spending time with each other in a comfortable way. Your husband should not be taking things to the next level until you are feeling ready to go there, because that ensures the best experience for both of you. Sometimes it helps to not make sex the first thing you have to do after getting married. You have years and years to have plenty of sex, so really there's no reason to do it the first day or two if you are still feeling very uptight. Even though relations are a marital right, Insha'Allah your husband will be understanding and caring enough to be willing to sacrifice a couple more nights to help you feel more at ease. As you get to know one another sexually, you will find out what helps you get relaxed and "in the mood", and you can communicate these things to your husband so he can help make you comfortable and, insha'Allah, satisfied.
Now, as far as babies....yes, it is entirely possible to get pregnant on your wedding night. Allah has ordered these things according to His decree, so there's really no way for us to say, "it's too soon" or "it's not soon enough"! If we are submitting to Him and His plan for our lives we accept any children He gives us, whenever He gives them. However, in His mercy He has given the option of coitus interruptus (when the man removes himself from you before he ejaculates) if you are trying to space your children out a little. As far as I know, that method is the only halaal form of "birth control", and if used in conjunction with monitoring your fertility, you could hypothetically avoid pregnancy for an indefinite period. By the way, by monitoring your fertility I mean getting to know the signs of when you are fertile (cervical position, cervical mucus, basal temperature tracking) so that you can avoid relations during that time. Knowing your cycle in depth will also help you conceive a baby easier when you are ready to get pregnant!
I tend to agree with your sister about steering clear of synthetic and hormonal birth control. It is true that they could cause problems in your cycle once you go off it, and there are other health risks involved as well. Anytime we put extra hormones in our bodies we are telling it to shut off the natural hormone system that Allah designed for us, and that tends to cause confusion for those systems and they don't know what they are supposed to do or when to do them. It's almost a way of making ourselves sick just for the sake of convenience. We are making ourselves infertile, which is a true medical condition, just because we think we know what's better for us...and sometimes that infertile condition remains long after the pills or what have you are discontinued. In fact, it can also extend to affecting your thyroid function (which regulates your menstrual, sleep, and metabolic cycles) which can in turn cause a domino effect of other health problems.
Bottom line, it's just not worth it.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I recently married and may Allah forgive me for what I'm about to say. But my wife was in exactly the same position as you are now regarding both elements.
I stated that no parent ever regrets having a child, none, so do not stop yourself from having one. People however do always regret and think hyperthetically when they don't try to have a baby.
As for the intimacy, most men are understanding, but to a limit. It will hit you hard at some point within the first few days, the thought, if I don't allow him to have his intimate rights, then what will he do, what if he divorces me, finds someone else, because lets face it, along with finance and children, it's right up there in terms of importance in a marriage.
So sure take yoru time and I'm confident your husband will understand, but know that every man has his breaking point and if he's waited his entire life for that and you keep denying him, how do you think he'll feel?
Good luck with your marriage and enjoy your wedding.
Sister,
These are my own personal views in regards to your question of birth control. I don't think there is anything wrong at all by using birth control and getting to know your partner better before starting a family. Rather than rush to have a child with someone whom you haven't even gotten to know very well, I believe it best to get to know them on a deeper level. Spend time together, learn one another and plan for your family. I believe by learning about one another beforehand, together you can build a strong foundation. Those are just my own thoughts on the matter. Of course, a future husband may or may not agree with birth control so it would definitely be something you would want to talk about and not left to chance.
As to your wedding night, don't over think things and just let things happen naturally. There is no right or wrong, it just is.
Salam
Asalaam alaykum,
It is true that taking birth control pills will alter your internal functions and may make it more difficult to have a child in the future if you continue to take them for long periods of time. Islamically, it is permissible to use contraceptives, so you may also be able to use the "morning after" pill. Having said that, a future husband could always wear a condom to lessen the likelihood of conception. I have never heard as conracetives being haraam, since it is the wife's decision as to whether she will become pregnant from the view of Islamic scholars I have referred to.
It's important to talk with your gynecologist and educate yourself on all options available to you. Also, for an internet resource, WebMd is one of my favorite sites since it is fairly thorough and you can always reference it again and again to recall what your own medical doctor will recommend to you.
http://women.webmd.com/guide/birth-control-facts
Now concerning the first night and first attempt at sexual intercourse, we cannot forget how many problems and possibilities of emotional hurt stem when either partner is inconsiderate in this moment. One sister posted about her problem in the following post...
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/husband-rushing-to-intimacy/
....and we can see that this topic is largely ignored or not given the consideration it is supposed to be given in the light of Islam. For it was non other than the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) that gave numerous hadiths regarding the sexual lives of Muslims, so while we need to be tactful, there should be no shame in discussing this topic with newlyweds couples and among respective spouses.
Having said that, sexual eagerness by the male on this night is understandable since he has been waiting for this moment all his life, especially if he is a virgin, but he may be quite inexperienced to handle himself properly by falling into an aggressive state that the young bride is usually not ready for. While she had been dreaming about the ceremony, dresses and the events leading up to it, a lot of males have only been thinking about taking off the wedding dress of their new wives for a large part of their lives concerning this particular night. This is not wrong per se, as the sexual desire is completely halal between two spouses, but the anticipation of wanting to fulfill his pleasure with his wife often makes him forget that she is a very gentle creature who wants more than just a close encounter. For an analogy, he is the microwave and she is the slow cooker, but they need to compromise and turn it into an oven where the bread gets baked. Sorry for the lightheartedness. 🙂
Islamically, it has been said that a woman's modesty is supposed to disappear when she is alone with her husband. Here is her chance to express her inner desires. Doing so will naturally make her husband feel warmly loved and desired by his bride and this is paramount for the new husband in developing his long term attraction and love towards his wife. So the new couple can begin this exciting time by the first night when the wife is not afraid to talk openly to her husband, express her nervousness and then take initial control of the encounter. Any mentally sane husband will be happy to have his wife be so ready and expressive in this way.
I also refer to this hadith in which many lessons are to be learned and sexual innuendo can be inferred within the elegance of what the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) was instructing towards his companions.
http://muslimmatters.org/2010/05/27/sex-and-the-ummah-series-the-hadith-of-jabir/
Lastly, since mutual pleasure and fulfilling the wife's need is often described as charity, this should provide another perspective when we consider the act of copulation between spouses in Qur'anic verses, as well.
New husbands should ponder over this verse and the sexual perspective in conjunction. What is "loved" is the bodily pleasure, but charity in the way of Allah (swt) is taking that which we love and fulfilling another person's need, in this case, firstly in the respective bride's pleasure in consideration of her curiosity, her virginity and her aloofness.
I would encourage you Sister Modest101, to talk with your mother and read a few Islamic books on the rights of the wife, which undoubtedly will cover the sexual aspects, as well. Pursuing Islamic knowledge in this regard is virtuous.
"Blessed are the women of the Ansar. Shyness did not stand in their way seeking knowledge about their religion".
ProfessorX , if you don't mind . Can you please tell me , whether you are a brother or a sister ? . I still cannot figure it out .
Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullah,
Is it a compulsion to indulge in sex with your spouse soon after marriage??what if the spouse says she doesn't want to have children at least for a year or two years or so??today's generation girls(not intended towards everyone) basically want to enjoy their life(as they say) for at least a year or more before they start handling the responsibilities of a mother. Is this allowed??
JazakAllah
Salams. I am also a newly wed, almost going to be a year. I haven't been taking any pills but rather he would withdraw from me before ejaculation. We both arent ready for kids as we want to spend time together. We both love kids though. my in laws tell me that I should make a baby before I will not be able to get pregnant or I would have Difficulties. Once again saying I do not take any sort of pills We just go natural. my question is ... Is it true about what my in laws tell me? They also add up by saying Allah will get angry and not allow me to have a baby... I am left speechless but in my heart I make dua that Allah never gets angry at me for this. jazzak Allah
maliha, if you want detailed advice you must submit your question as a separate post. But I'll make two quick points.
1. The "natural" method of birth control is unreliable. There's an old joke: What do you call a man who uses the withdrawal method of birth control? Answer: Daddy. So if you truly are not ready for children then you should use proper birth control.
2. You are not doing anything wrong, so there is no reason for Allah to be angry with you. Of course children are a blessing in Islam. But to delay having children for some period is not haram and should not cause any difficulties later, unless you wait until your late 30's or 40's, when getting pregnant becomes increasingly difficult.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please will you tell me that is sex is important for a birth of baby or child of we want to be pregrant so sex is important for being pregrant
I know this question Is wrong but please will you tell me
Ayesha, are you saying you do not know how pregnancy occurs?
The answer is yes, sex is important. During the act of sexual intercourse, the man releases semen which fertilizes the woman's ovum. That is how pregnancy occurs.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikum, Maliha
I have been married for almost like 5 years & i only have on child
me & five spend 3.5 years enjoying time touring here & there as myself i really enjoyed that moment. the thing is time the most valuable time for everyone in the world.
In your case
enjoy as much as u can with ur husband but look at the time as well because the maxim women that can get pregnant is like 40's so take ur time. when u feel like now is time to have a baby so go for it.
Best of luck
Regards,
DR.Charlie
Marine Medical Crops
PHD Psychology