Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Still haven’t left an unbearable relationship

Can you recognise the cycle of abuse?

Can you recognise the cycle of abuse?

I posted my concerns two years ago on this same forum about being in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband. Now two years have passed, but I am standing at the same point as two years ago, or worse.

My husband is emotionally abusive, and he tries to control and manipulate me. At the time of my marriage he and my in-laws lied about his education and job. Later on I found that he is merely completed his high school and did not hold any graduate degree, and no one in his whole family or folks is educated; whereas I and my whole family are at least graduates, post graduates, doctors, PhDs. Despite the ugly truth I remained with him, but he constantly used to abuse me and my parents/family and has been extremely controlling. There have been several times (15-20 times) that I consulted his folks and my folks to resolve the issue. Each time he would get so humble, apologize for his behavior, promise me it would not happen again and that he will be good to me. But later when I returned to him he would start doing the same things again, and when I would remind him of his vows he would completely deny he said any such thing, or would blame me for things going bad.

His spending habits are so weird- sometimes he tells me he is financially strong and other times he would give me impression that he is totally broke. He would never share his bank accounts or earning details with me, and kept me in the dark every time. He spends endlessly on other people and on himself, but only gives me around 2% of his whole salary for my whole month of expenses (that too I had fought much to get, as he would not give me a single penny before that). Hence I have to ask my parents for money. Even when he gives me money, he usually gives it by saying insulting things and later on say that he was just kidding about it. An example of this is when he bought an extremely expensive laptop recently, but refused to give me my few bucks of pocket money by saying that he does not have the money right now. Also he made a fuss about my child's treatment when he got really sick few days ago, ad constantly whined about the money he spent on my child's treatment.

He is also an irresponsible father and has the same instability in his personality. He would not care about my child's doctors appointments etc. I have to take my daughter myself to the hospital, or ask my old father to accompany me.

Now after four years of marriage, I hate him so much. Also there is a huge difference between the education and financial status of his family and mine. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I talk to him because of his lack of education and knowledge, whereas I am much more knowledgeable and wiser than him. Still he disgrace me. There is absolutely no match between he and me. I hate him so much that sometimes I wish he would die (forgive me Allah, but I have no control over my emotions). I hate it when he touches me. He also suspects me and spies on my cell phone/laptop, and feels jealous of my colleagues or classmates. This hurts me, as I have been honest with him and have only very limited contact with my male colleagues or class fellows. I observe hijab and stay limited with men. I do not suspect him either, but he puts passwords on his cellphone and laptop, the reason for which I do not understand.

The only reason I have stayed with him was my child, who is now 3 years old. But now when I see him not taking care of me as well as my child, I think I should leave now. I know my child needs a father, but a father like him? And would my child be okay seeing a depressed mother all the time or disconnected parents, who either fight or would not speak to each other for weeks? Or would he be better off?


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18 Responses »

  1. I think it's important for women to be very clear with men about their boundaries right from the start, so that the men will know that the women won't tolerate whatever they do and put women through. It sounds to me like you failed to do so by remaining with this man even after finding out he and his family had lied about something that is very significant. This man probably thinks you will tolerate anything, because you accepted his big lies to begin with. Seeing you have remained with him despite abusing you, on top of lying to you, has not done you any favours whatsoever. In this man's eyes, you appear to be weak and within capacity to control, fool and do whatever he pleases with. That's never a way a husband should view his wife.

    I'm not sure why you are asking for advice again if you have done it before, but remained in the same abusive situation for two more years since asking for advice. Do you really want to change things profoundly around now? In my opinion, there's no way of dealing with a stubborn, abusive, controlling man. And it's certainly not healthy for your children to grow up in an environment where the father is irresponsible, abusive, lies and is stingy. Nor is it healthy for a child to grow up seeing its mother tolerate lies and abuse from her husband. I would advice you yo get out of this marriage as soon as possible.

  2. Salaams,

    I remember your previous post. And most of what you included in this one is a repeat of it.

    From what it sounds like, the only thing keeping you with this man is your child. If that's the only thing, it's not enough- and here's why:

    Since your child is a girl, she will be learning from you that the way you are being treated is normal. She will grow up thinking that a man treating a woman disrespectfully and abusively is OK, and has a very high likelihood of marrying a man who will treat her the way you are being treated by her father. She will have low self esteem, low confidence, and let people treat her in ways she won't deserve. Not only that, but as your daughter gets older your husband -her father- may start abusing her as well.

    Is this really what you want your daughter growing up like? Do you want to be comforting your daughter in roughly 20 years after abuse has taken place? Could you live with yourself to watch her, at age 12, being told how ugly or pathetic she is by her very own father, knowing you could've prevented it if you had made the right choice before? Or would you rather take control of the situation now and stave off such outcomes? I think the choice is pretty clear cut, when you look at it from this angle, as you should.

    I think deep down you regret you haven't left sooner, and trust me- that regret is not going to go away but only get stronger with time. That's why you should leave now, before this situation gets any worse, and before you have another several years of regret to face in yourself.

    -Amy Editor

  3. You need to leave this man for the sake of your children and your own mental health and well being InshAllah. May Allah make it easy for you. Aameen

  4. Assalaam ou alaikoum,

    I was in the same kind of marriage, and I didn't have the strenght to leave. It is very difficult if you are always alone in your marriage, not having someone to depend on. The person is there, but of no use to you. He doesn't support you and you feel like you're married to a hollogram. I think these people have a real personality disorder and I don't think there is hope for them to change. Their only input is emotional abuse and trying to control. It's a very lonely path you're travelling on, and it takes strenght not to fall apart. But I chose to stay and it nearly destroyed me. Alhamdoulilah in the end it made me stronger. Would I advise you to stay? No, I don't think it's worth it. You can tame him, but you can never make a real man out of him. If you can't look up to your husband and respect him, then what's the use? But with 3 children i found it difficult to leave. I was afraid of the life that lies behind a divorce. The void looked very scary to me. And I would have had to go work for an income and have no time for my children, right after their life was ripped apart by divorce. I chose to stay and fight. I defended my children if i needed to, i was always talking to him, telling him right from wrong, standing up for myself when he was (verbally) abusive and controlling. I didn't let him get away with it. And because I knew all the tricks in his book there was nothing left for him to manipulate. It's a constant struggle but this is the path that I chose. At least he supports us financially and is a handy person to have around. He can fix stuff, he is not laizy, he prays and fasts, he's religious and he doesn't cheat. I think of him as someone with a defect that he can't fix even if he wanted to. And he has changed a lot since the first years of our marriage. But if he didn't work or support his family, if he drank, didn't practice his religion, was physically abusive or was a womaniser, I surely wouldn't have stayed. If he doesn't have anything to offer you, there is no reason to stay.

  5. As-salamu alaykum

    I'm in the same kind of marriage. My wife calls me all kind of names in the book, she want me to change in her own way and I resisted her vision of change that's when the name calling and false accusations start and after that every thing went down hill. I don't work now just lost a business and she always accusing me of having money. Only God knows how I pay the basic bills. Financial we are bankrupt. She is mad if I say we don't have money, she want us to go to honeymoon but we don't have any money so she either on denial or just pretending and know how grieve is the situation. When we married she promised to change and stop wearing pants and cover her hair but change her mind and now she expect me to change for her.
    She is on the Facebook all time putting her new pictures up, even if we go to dinner she is taking pictures of the food and her self to posted them on Facebook, this really gets me annoyed. But I never give up, we have very good or bad days and I'm working on to sit with her and maybe reach some kind of agreement or start point for both of us make some changes.

    I think the problem lays with compliant because I sense a lot of resentment to towards her husband. "At the time of my marrige he and my in-laws lied about his education and job". I think if she let's go of her resentment and high expectations, she will reach him better and communicate her feelings in plane level. The question we need to ask our self's are can we work with someone who see us less then them and answer is NO. People usually destroyed a good relationship or marriage because it doesn't agree with their dream marriage which is a fictional character not real. What a lot of people don't understand is they are married to this individual and if they invest on them they can transformed them into the character in their fictional dream. But it takes time and know how to do that...

    1. I would advice you to have patience.
    2. I would advice you to let go of your high expectation.
    3. Let him know that you are proud of him and respect him no matter what.
    4. Please No name calling to cross you point.
    5. Stop asking money from your parents.
    6. Do small surprises to win him back.
    7. Don't demand but show him a direction to better his life and if he fail don't be frustrated just keep trying and at end he will succeed and you will too.
    8. Please let go of your fiction demands. You are not him and he is not you, your family is not like his family so what.

    • It's hard to be a helpmate to someone that isn't going aren't working?....been long?...maybe she doesn't see you trying?....stuff to think about. That's why I have negative feelings towards my husband.

  6. As-salamu alaykum

    I'm just saying don't expect any thing from your partner, don't keep any fictional character or life in your head prior to the marriage. Both of you work hard, give each other unlimited and unconditional support and honor each other. That's why they say opposite attract and forget what could have been, how things are right now or if he was like Obama or not. Because behind those closed doors you don't know what Mrs. Obama is going thought.

    Trust me on this if you do this your wife or husband will climb Mount Everest for you. We are all good to short cut, undermined, create havoc, waste time in our family potential and then we turn around and blame on others for our failures.

    What would make me think if I fail this task now I will fair better next time around. The answer is I won't, Then why some people find the next time around they fair better? Is because they become more careful not to short cut, undermined, create havoc, waste time and most importantly keep their fictional character or life in closet with other toys. Who's to say your new partner won't dig in the closet and bring those fictional nightmares back, now days people get married 2,3,4,5 times until they run out of energy/money to sustain this constant change of building and destroying mood.

  7. OP: Now after four years of marriage, I hate him so much. Also there is a huge difference between the education and financial status of his family and mine. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I talk to him because of his lack of education and knowledge, whereas I am much more knowledgeable and wiser than him. Still he disgrace me. There is absolutely no match between he and me. I hate him so much that sometimes I wish he would die (forgive me Allah, but I have no control over my emotions)...My husband is emotionally abusive, and he tries to control and manipulate me.....I hate it when he touches me.

    Use your wisdom to control your emotions. Wishing your........husband death, shows lot of hatred. Actually this kind of thoughts are harming you more then any one else. One can be happy with hugh differences of education and financial status.

    Your husband is probably insecure and tries to feel superior by abusing and controlling you.
    For how long you felt happy after you got married?
    I hope you have friends and families with whom you can talk and get some support.

  8. I'm community head of islamic marriage counselling in Doha

    Actually what have you written, all are negative things of your husband, Your every single word strongly smells your EGO, Selfishness, aggressive and argumentative behaviour over your husband. neither you have written your situation/state with your husband.

    There have been several times (15-20 times) that I consulted his folks and my folks to resolve the issue. Each time he would get so humble, apologize for his behaviour, promise me it would not happen again and that he will be good to me. But later when I returned to him he would start doing the same things again, and when I would remind him of his vows he would completely deny he said any such thing, or would blame me for things going bad.

    Above line shows that He wants you and cares you most that's why he apologized again and again. Remember nobody is perfect either you are not perfect. you said you remind him all of his vows, it is obvious that when you guys are in state of fight so reminder wouldn't be in a polite way etc thats shows you abused also one to one.

    Also he made a fuss about my child's treatment when he got really sick few days ago, ad constantly whined about the money he spent on my child's treatment

    So he is the only person who spent money not you and your family? right? so what more you want. he is spending on his child, whining doesn't matter if he did. So you the one who Stated this whining issue here in your problems that is not an actually issue to get divorced. Also your post shows your arrogance pride complaining demanding behaviour and how disrespectful thoughts of yours about your husband. you actually cares about yours education career more than your husband. be remember these are just worldly things but what has Allah ordered to us that all are same , no one has pride over another but who has more TAQWA. Did you disrespect your husband over education ever? If yes so repent Allah

    Now after four years of marriage, I hate him so much. Also there is a huge difference between the education and financial status of his family and mine. Sometimes I feel so frustrated when I talk to him because of his lack of education and knowledge, whereas I am much more knowledgeable and wiser than him.

    As you stated here and claim yourself Wiser than him so the intelligent, wise woman can change many of her husband’s habits and interests; what matters is that she is trying to fulfil her duties towards him, treats him kindly take good care of him fulfil his desires and does not cause annoyance for him.

    I read every single line, your only problem is you have set some kind of fantasy world in your head. (as you wish he die... استغفر الله واتوب اليهـ ) . It also seems , you are not giving him love, respect, care, honour which he deserve rather fighting complaining and demanding behaviour.

    In daily life there are lot of problems brought to me and all are same. Remember one Rule Give and take. First give love honour respect and care to him and you can take everything from your husband. I don't see anything worse in your case but just understanding issues. you have to win you husband heart rather taking worse decision.

    If your husband is serious about his religion, prays regularly and avoids haraam things, then he is a righteous husband and you should stay with him, take care of him, and help him to perfect his righteousness.

    Hence Islam does not allow seeking divorce except in cases where there is a valid reason and hardship that calls for that. Abu Dawood (2226), at-Tirmidhi (1187) and Ibn Maajah (2055) narrated that Thawbaan (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

    As for thinking about divorce and thinking that it is an easy way out, this is a mistake that stems from hasty and wishful thinking. Perhaps the woman may get divorced and not find the husband that she is wishing for, or she may end up marrying a man who not as good as her first husband. In addition to that, seeking divorce is a kind of ingratitude for blessings and harming the husband and his family.

    What appears to be the case from your words is that there is no reason that would make it permissible to seek divorce. So fear Allah, may He be exalted, and treat your husband kindly. Deal with the problem between you and him before it gets out of hand, and be content with him as he is a righteous man, even if he falls short in attaining the level of perfection you were hoping for.

    We ask Allah to help and guide you.
    And Allah knows best.

    • Salaams,

      Did you read her previous post?

      "He takes care of me and my child financially, prays five times but is dishonest and lies to me in several matters. He is also into several bad habits such as dirty abusive language, pornography, staying up with friends’ the whole night and sleeping the whole day and masturbating, even in front of me."

      Doesn't sound to me like a righteous husband who deserves what you are advising her to do.

      -Amy Editor

  9. I believe there is some good in him becos Allah has chosen him for you that lead both of you together regardless of education background?

    sumtimes, difference compliments each other. Ever thought what if your husband is as really superior than you? Maybe he won't be as caring husband as it should be. Since you already choose to marry him, then why let these bother you. Is it very important that he must be superior than then you feel that he is a real 'man' or husband? I have seen many cases whereby man earning much more and much more superior than the wife. But so what, they fool around outside, sleeping around, too smart then wife dont't even know for close to 10 years.

    Ofcourse our concept to think that husband should be having a better career than wife is still in us, but who cares? I believe you married him becos you know that he is a good family man not becos he is earning higher or more superior than you.

    I read all the things and my story is quite similar to you, my husband and myself also have great difference. I'm a degreed holder whereas he didn't even complete secondary. he is willing to upgrade himself when I asked him to, I can see that he is working hard for the family despite not having a high qualification, at least he bothers to work hard for the family and brings home as much as he can and he care and love us alot (which i cant see from some of my friends' husbands)

    I was like you when i was younger, I thought man must be more superior. But now, my thinking change. I'm thankful that he's a family man. In fact most of the time I had to push him out of the house to go out with his friends. He work for his parents and come home straight after work, so his life practically evolves around work and family. He even help other people. I am now a stay at home mum of our 3 kids while he goes out to earn the money.

    You chose to marry this man, so the good and bad comes in a package, whether or not you signed up for it. he fulfill his basic responsibilities as a husband, being very caring and is at home most of the time and I should look at his good points before I get angry, like everyone says. (i learn a lot from all of you!) So the next time when we start to complain again.. maybe we shud stop ourselves and try to think of the good once in a while .

    I think it's time for a good talk with him. Put aside the educational background and earnings. Just talk about how you feel that he needs to be a good role model as a daddy and husband. It's ok if he don’t have degree. It's ok if he dont have super high paying job.

    Remember, dont put him down, just tell him how you feel, and what you expect him to do. Men need SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS. Whenever we want to bring the kids out my hubby will just sit in front of his PC on the bed and wait for us to be done before he changes clothes. But telling him to "help me out" isn't enough cause he dont know how he can help. I have to tell him, "can you come and change their diapers & clothes for me while I pack the bag?" & even so I will need to take out the clothes that they need to wear. Remember both parties are from different background and upbringing, have to learn to compromise, and things that dont really matter just turn a blind eye to it.

    You can win him back by loving him, make him feel proud and respect him regardless education differences because Love and life is more important than career. And its good news that your husband willing to listen, accept mistake and make apologize for mistakes again and again. It seems he wants to be changed but the one who could do this to him is you. If a husband is willing to work, willing to save for the family, he will make a good husband even if he earns lesser.

  10. I am currently ending a horrible marriage, with a man who lied and manipulated me for months. Eventually I found him committing zina and cheating on me!!

    With your situation I guess there are children involved, it seems it's been a few years and he has shown no signs of improvement. Perhaps consider counselling, sometimes it helps to speak to an independent party to help acknowledge and resolve underlying issues.

    I think you should do whatever it takes to help him improve as a person and try to make your marriage a success, however if despite all this he still continues to lie, manipulate and abuse you then I guess you need to make a decision. Do you accept him as he is and stay in the marriage or leave him and focus on a better future for yourself and your children.

    Make sure you pray istikhara.

  11. As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,

    The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Shaytaan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him” (Sahih Muslim and narrated by Jabir Ibn ‘Abdullah).

    Sister, None of us are qualified to say go divorce him. And its BIG sin to interfere or separate a man from his wife and wife from her husband. Only shaitan tries to separate wife from her husband vice versa, NOT A MUSLIM WHO BELIEVES IN ALLAAH.

    Allah tests us in different ways, there isn’t a single house where there isn’t the smallest problem, you will only see that when you’re actually married, for now just look at your own family (Parents,bro/sis), small problems never occurred? Let me ask the married ones on this platform, how would you feel if your husband/wife came on the internet and seeks advice because "your faults" and people told her/he to DIVORCE, when the problem could have been solved in the right direction with the right people. He/She divorce for small issues that could have been solved and the advice they take from the wrong people on the internet unfortunately.

    as Allah says in the quraan; “And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, that you may find peace in them, and He put between you affection and mercy. Verily in that there are signs for those who reflect.” [30, 21]

    husband and wife can forgive each other mistakes, but cant accept their mistakes it doesn't mean they cant forgive. sure HE/SHE can change if Allaah wills and when they get the right advice from the right person.

    Lets just say hes or shes ill but dont we live each other when ill and healthy or is it just when healthy only and leave them when they fall ill and divorce them to satisfy our own needs so we dont fall in sin? but havent we learnt to have patients didn’t Allaah teach us those are patients are best amongst people. Aren’t we suppose to live in good times and bad times, or good days only?

    Sister, Home takes years to build, seconds to break. As there are children involved you should have to take every measure to reconcile your issue because its not the matter of only yours life but also your daughters life too. Life will not be easy for both of you but definitely will be like HELL for your daughter ...

    custody disputes sometime even gets worsted, your daughter will be confused if you both get married again so she will have two father and two mother, spoiled emotions of hers, stressed from early age, she will have disturbed family or belongs to a disturbed family, continuous depression, deep impact on school life as well as on social life as she have not a normal family like others, rebellious behavior especially in teenage that is very common, and so many etc.

    Marriage is to sacrifice from both men and woman, if one is unable and gives up the other sacrifices for the sake of Allaah alone and waits patiently for his reward. there are times when we cannot see our spouse face or speak to them thats how angry/upset we are with them, and there is times when we cannot live without them. Don’t rush into Divorce. please don’t let your bad times destroy your marriage.

    The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

    So better you should involve your friends and families member who can talk to him. Don’t let your emotions decide divorce him.

    It would be better if you talk to him directly and have a One to one meeting. If he shows you to be willing to change and repentant it would be best to go back to him and save your marriage.

    May Allah give you wisdom enough to Save your marriage and protect from Shaytaan's harmful misgivings and delusions. Ameen!

    Walaykum salaam warahmatullahi wabaraktuh.

  12. Salam sister Shaista711,

    Separation/divorce could be devastating for any person (husband or wife), especially when children are involved. Thousands if not millions like you from the sub-continent and Indo-Pak region have gone through such arranged marriages. Believe me sister, more than 75%-80% of them have worked. You are seeing things differently, but even you did not put your foot down when it would have mattered. For Marriage both the parties have to make all efforts in making it work. Even the westerners have major problems of keeping their marriage intact. At times men or women are in emotional distress and cause of emotional distress needs to be found out and corrected to save a marriage. So fear Allah swt and give your marriage a chance to succeed as it is not matters to you only but matters to your daughter’s too. Don't spoil your life making things difficult for yourself by thinking about divorce. It is better to reconcile and clear talk to your husband than going through the court and waste time and money and making hell your daughter’s life for lifetime. Think sister, is it worth all these headaches. Sincerely advise you to make all efforts to save your marriage.

    Under the circumstances you are in sister, the best thing is that you forget the past and start making an effort to be a good wife to your husband. I believe that love amends even the most corrupt person. It'll take time and a lot of patience but you should break the ice between you and your husband dont put up walls between each other... try building a bond with him which will enable you to get your message across to your husband. Which is harder but probably the better option, condisdering this is dunya and Allah swt sees everything insha’ Allah everything will work out for you. Might take some time or maybe not but remember one day things will change for the better he'll be open to listen to you. dont lose hope even if it’s as thin as the hair strand on your head one of the first things you need to do is learn all over again how to communicate, how to be with each other. try to reconcile with your husband and Almighty Allah swt also liked cordial settlement between husband and wife. if i were in replace of you, surely i'll do whatever in my power to save my marriage life and i suggest you to do whatever its take to save it. Try to involve some elders from your family to solve this matter peacefully.

    May Allah swt! bless mercy on you. Amen.

  13. Asalaam alaikum sister,

    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

    If you are contemplating divorce, then stop right where you are. Nothing will make the devil more happy than to see you throw in the towel, but do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Remember, Satan is on a mission to “kill, steal and destroy” everything that is created by Allah swt and that includes the marriage union. Persevere in prayer and be the best wife to your husband. Don’t be fooled by the enemy; one person can save their marriage alone.

    Allah swt will for you and your spouse is to love one another and have a joy-filled marriage that glorifies Him. HE hates divorce. we can see that Allah swt is strongly against divorce. Know that it will greatly be a great sin when we separate what Allah swt has put together. If there is even one-half of an ounce of friendliness left in your marriage, take each other by the hand, look at each other’s eyes and then remember of the love that brought you together in the first place. You can find constructive ways to move their husbands to be more responsive. Satan does not want us to be at peace, does not want our marriages to be restored and does not want us to find victory and spiritual restoration. So, very possibly, right at the time when a breakthrough is about to take place, he will whisper doubts in our minds. He will suggest that we focus on something to discourage us, something to make us conclude that everything is hopeless so we will take some action that will put a halt to ALLAH swt momentum forward.

    The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, it is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. You couldnt really just split a family down the middle, mom on one side, dad the other, with the child equally divided between. It was like when you ripped a piece of paper into two: no matter how you tried, the seams never fit exactly right again. Just want to share my best friends experience in words “If I had known before I get divorced how bad it would be, I would have worked harder at saving my marriage.” Remember the “Forgiveness Sentence” and it works well in relationships. Whenever I and my husband fought each other, after he realize he worded his request to forgive him, it seemed me to stop everything from escalating matter.... My husband and I have never considered divorce ever... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

    Divorce rips a severe wound not only in our own life, but also in the lives of countless others (spouse, children, family, friends, and many others for generations to come). Everyone within the sphere of our influence hurts from the effects of divorce.

    In your case, Immaturity is a problem, Women today generally marry at 25; men, at 27. Young couples may be together months, not decades, as divorce occurs progressively earlier. If you had an emergency, you broke a bone, you wouldn’t hesitate to go and have it fixed?. You need to realize you have many families in crisis including your daughter. You have your marriage in danger of disintegrating which is much worse than a broken bone. You need to take emergency measures to combat that, which can kill the marital relationship. You must know there are so many good reasons to reach out and get help and save your marriage for your child and for your own sake as well.

    Please read more at:

    May Allah give us the ability to understand the seriousness of this subject and guide us to the straight path and save us from the mischief of estranged groups who peddle misunderstandings and lessen the severity of Divorce. Ameen

    • Salaams,

      I don't agree with you that one person can save a marriage if the other person is contributing significantly. If that were the case, there would not be the number of posts we get on this site asking for help when one person is doing all they can and the other is doing nothing. They would be successful and wouldn't need advice.

      You're giving advice based on two people who have good intentions, that are able to be humble with one another. For someone (as you say) who asks for forgiveness or apologizes if they've done wrong. If this woman is married to a man who isn't like that, or who is selfish and deceitful and devaluing, then that advice won't get her very far. He's not going to care what she does, he's only going to take what benefits him and leave her to carry the rest of the burden. There are people where the "love conquers all" philosophy has no effect on them.

      -Amy Editor

  14. I understand what sister Muslimah wants to say. People rush too quickly into divorce. Marriage can be a very difficult undertaking. I think once you are married you both have the obligation to try to avoid divorce at all cost. A lot of people that do get divorced don't end up better then before, on the contrary. We have an image in our head of how mariage is supposed to be, but in real life it turns out to be something completely different. I think it's the duty of both the husband and the wife to hang in there, as difficult as it gets, because I believe in the seriousness of such a commitment. These days that responsibility is no doubt taken to lightly by many couples. Of course there are situations where divorce is the only option (in the case of for instance physical abuse, drinking, cheating,...)
    But we have to let go of the image of "soulmates", "eternal love", perfect partner",etc. This is what every girl dreams about. But once married, after the honeymoon phase, she is brutally woken up out of that dream. Because it is just an illusion. There is no such thing as the perfect man. Our nature as people is that we are flawed. Man and woman are not brought into this world to eternally love eachother. We are here to learn some valuable lessons, to understand the purpose of life, to understand what's important and to worship our Creator. I don't believe "there is a certain man that will make me happy and I just have to find him". That's what the devil wants us to believe. After divorce you will marry another man, and he also has flaws, just like your previous man, just like you. And then the problems start all over again. What ever happened to fighting, to hanging in there, to leaving no stone unturned? We people want a perfect life, we are easily disapointed and we give up easily. Even if everything was perfect we still wouldn't be happy. People aren't made to be happy. We don't realise that we learn the most from the hardships we endure in life. That's what makes us grow, makes us open our eyes, makes us see the Creator behind everything. Once I gradually realised that, I stopped regretting, I stopped hating, I started forgiving,I started treasuring the valuable lessons behind suffering. It is a blessing disguised as hardship.

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