Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He finally came around but I’m now engaged to another!

guilt regret female


I'm a 24 year old woman and recently got engaged to a guy out of revenge for another guy that left me due to minor issues we had. We were in a relationship, he did propose a few times, but each time there would arise a disagreement either about his religious beliefs and him forcing me to exactly practice it or else he would break up with me. Two years like that off and on again.

However, the last time he did that, I just got tired of it and got really hurt when he blocked me. So I decided out of anger to get married to some other proposal I had, to a guy I now am engaged to. Our Nikah has been done, however there hasn't been a wedding yet.

On my night of Nikah, the old guy texted me that he would do everything to be with me and that he would accept me the way I am, but I shouldn't go through this marriage at all...all things I wish he had said a year ago. I tried to stop it but it was too late as people had already gathered and I couldn't say no then.

Now I am really unhappy and I do not wish to get married to my now fiancé at all. Should I break it off so I can marry the other guy? Please advise as I am going through a mental breakdown, crying day and night without eating. I am thinking of dying quite a lot because I feel I have made a terrible mistake for which there is no way out. JazzakAllah



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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam

    Are you ignorant or what? You shouldn't and cannot marry a non-muslim. Allah is saving you from a disaster, you want to jump on it?

    • Asalamualaykum P.

      What I gathered is that the inquirer's love interest is Muslim. He was practicing and she was not, and he wanted her to practice "exactly," as she said in her post. She was not ready for that level of observance, so he broke up with her.


      • Asalam alaikum sister I'm not sure if you're aware or if it's a culture thing, but in islam you are considered married once the nikkah has been done, not engaged. So you can basically be intimate with your husband. I think by wedding you mean the walimah, that is a recommended sunnah. Anyways, you are married once the nikkah is done, not sure if you're aware.

        • Asalamualaykum Lug,

          Not sure if your comment is for me or the original poster. In any event, thank you for your desire to clarify. I was referring to the poster's original love interest...the one that she did not do Nikah with.


    • Honestly, what a mess.

      You should not have married, when you were on a rebound. Revenge or anger is not a reason to marry. You married for completely the wrong reasons. Why did you have to involve a another guy and his family in your drama?

      I say married, because you are not engaged. It's shocking, you dont know that nikah is marriage. You are now married in the eyes of Allah. Mutual conjugal rights are now halal. You and your husband can sleep together, live together, travel together, create a family and everything together. Welcome to married life.

      Engagement is a cultural norm, which means you accept a marriage proposal (also known as engaged TO BE married) but the nikah/marriage has not taken place. Either party can verbally decline to proceed with the actual nikah and walk away and the engagement will be off. There are no contractual obligations. But once the nikah has taken place, it is different.

      "I tried to stop it but it was too late as people had already gathered and I couldn't say no then."

      No, it was not too late. That is why you were asked to give your consent, by saying either yes or no. You chose to enter this nikah. You chose to say yes. You chose to marry yourself to a man who has no idea of your intentions. And now you most likely can't do justice to him or this marriage. This is so unfair to him. If he finds out your true intentions, he will be hurt and even embittered. If you carry on, you will never be his in spirit, and may become resentful and embittered and not a good wife.

      You and your ex seem very immature and when you have been on and off for 2 years, he blocks you, he doesn't involve his parents and it takes him you marrying somebody else for him to want to marry you, then you are not really a great match to begin with. He had 2 years to get his act together. The way he wants to practise is still a problem lurking in the background. IF he marries you, which at this point is a big IF, he may demand you practise his way AFTER you are married and if you wont, again divorce is the only option, making you twice divorced (see what wrote on divorce below). Even if he says now, he will accept you as you are, he may not honor this verbal promise later. It would be different, of course, if this was a clause you added to your marriage contract in writing, and he signs off on it in front of the witnesses.

      Also know, in order to marry him, you will have to apply for Khul, unless your current husband agrees to give you Talaq. Talaq and Khul will involve both you, your husband and your respective families. Khul can drag out for months, even years in courts or at the local islamic council or mosque, depending on your country and culture. Talaq is given by the husband, unless he refuses to, which is when Khul comes into play.

      I hope you realize this is not a very easy process. In many muslim countries and cultures the process is deliberately made difficult and expensive for women, and divorced women are often socially stigmatised, which is why, many families won't support their women in pursuing divorce due to its effect on their reputation.

      Also you must consider that your ex has never and still not sent a proposal your way. Proposals in Islam only counts when both families are aware of it. Your family don't know of his existence. If you go through the process of Talaq or Khul, you have no guarantee of knowing he will actually send a proposal or even marry you. Who knows, maybe he is doing it out of his own misguided sense of revenge. There is also the prospect of his family refusing to "let him" marry a divorced woman and him caving to their demands. You can assess your situation better as you presumably know your country and culture better than we do.

      If you feel or know you cannot do justice to your husband and be faithful (ceasing all contact written, verbal or digital with your ex immediately) with what your describe as mental breakdowns, then the logical and only way out is to ask for divorce. But if you think you can somehow move on and give this marriage and your husband a chance, then do that. Who knows maybe your husband will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you and you might actually be happy with him. This could be a blessing in disguise. Only you can find this out.

      Either way I don't think your ex is a wise choice. You are both young, emotional, immature and in the throws of your volatile emotions. This is why marriage should be taken seriously and why parents should educate their children on what marriage and relationships are in Islam, what they entail, and how the only way out is divorce.

      Also ask yourself, if your ex had not contracted you on your website wedding night, then what? How would you feel about being married to your now husband? Would you still divorce him or would you have carried on? Think very carefully.

      Also stop thinking about dying. You die for nobody. Life is given to you by Allah. Do not throw it away for some guy who broke your heart or because you made bad decisions. Learn from your decisions and mistakes and use them to improve your life for the better. No human is worth taking your own life for.

      I hope Allah grants you the wisdom to discern good from bad and weigh all the pros and cons to make informed and rational decisions.

  2. Dont go back....what if he leaves u again ..u will be in total is long please go for this arrange marriage your life will be peaceful later stage

    You will not regret.....

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