Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He has asked for my hand and says he knows in his heart “ALLAH” has answered his prayers and blessed him with me

so close so far, heart, with my heart in my hand

By "GOD'S " grace and mercy I learned that each person needs to spend time alone, to know ones own self,  and I learn this is especially true if you have come out of a marriage or relationship, that was never the "ALMIGHTY" plan for your life in the first place.  I believe that "GOD" let's us know and see somethings clearly whether for our good or our bad and  "ALLAH" knows every heart & soul and  the end from the beginning.

A little over a month ago, I  joined an online  Relationship and Dating site,  for months maybe even a year or more I felt a desire to do so, especially when I saw or heard the one for Christians that said find "GOD'S" match for "you".   I first thought nothing of it, in all the time, I've been by myself, I did not feel lonely, I was learning to be happy and I resigned myself  to the possibility that maybe it is "GOD'S will for me to be single.   I joined the site, I knew in my heart I specifically would like meet and become friends with a great guy who first and foremost loves "GOD" and I wanted to know and learn about different cultures &  their traditions.   From, day one, received plenty of emails from guys of all nationalities  and religions  whom appeared to be very nice, but there were also some guys who were strictly on that site looking to pick up women for lets just say dishonorable deeds, because of that I decided to delete my account completely.   On the fourth day I was trying to find instructions to delete my profile when I came upon a message from a man, and for some reason I was very drawn to him, from the start he told he wanting to get to know me , when I read his profile, I saw he was a Muslim, due to ignorance and a major lack of knowledge  about Muslims and Islam, being  a Christian I was immediately afraid, to even read his profile, let along become his friend.  While I was contemplating, he sent me  several messages as though, I had already accepted his friendship I purposely did a very short and to the point no nonsense profile.   I had not  ever even given him a first reply.    I reply to him a day later  and told him he was moving too fast for me, and  explained my reason for believing in trying to build  friend ship, with him first. There was  something about this man made me feel at peace, so on the second day,  we became friends.  On the third day we met on Skype, after about  twenty minutes of talking with me he told me he loved me, because I am the woman "ALLAH" has  chosen to bless him with, he said he knew it immediately when he saw my picture on my profile.  He said, he had just joined the site and they first profile he opened was mine and that it was the only one he ever opened on that site.  I removed mine because  I  figured out "GOD" doesn't need my help, if I  am a mans mate.  He removed  his  as well because he says "ALLAH" has answered his prayers,  says he knows without doubt I am the woman created for him, I asked how does he know, he said  it is a knowing deep down in his being.

I have been trying  to figure out whether or not he is being truthful, I have wondered if  he is seeking U.S., citizenship, because on day three he also asked for my hand in marriage.  A close friend works are also Muslims and they said they do not date or have girlfriends She said  both bosses knew they were blessed with the right woman and so they choose to marry.     The  thing is as I was praying some months back before I met him or even saw that "particular" site ... I prayed and asked "GOD" about a mate, and I clearly heard "Middle Eastern, in my ear,  and whenever  I even wondered if I'd be alone, I could hear the same Middle Eastern.  I heard  Middle Eastern again, clear as day in my ear, so when I talked to him I asked him if he is Middle Eastern and he told me yes.  he has told his family and friends about meeting me online, and would like to present me to his Mother and Brother (as his Father is deceased) and would like to meet my siblings as both my parents are deceased, we are both close to 50yrs. old.

He wanted to come there and marry,  but as I have  a real fear of parts of Africa,  and thought he was trying to get  visa he said he would  live wherever I chose to live.  I have been learning a little of his home and culture and I am considering converting to Islam.  He recommended that I read about "Ramadan"   as I do so I am not only learning about his culture I am also understanding and gaining more love and respect for this man and  the order and decency  in how he conducts not only for himself but as he represents his people,  I am truly overjoyed,  to be the recipient of  this man's love.   I hope this man is real and speaking the truth.  I will appreciate your thoughts and opinions , and  will let you know,  one way or the other.


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6 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    There is no way for any of us, or for you, to tell how sincere this man is so early in the game. Only time reveals the truth about a person, so time is what needs to be given to your situation.

    I can say it is a positive thing that he wants to introduce you to his family. Most dishonest men will not even consider the idea, or run from the suggestion of it. However, that in and of itself is not enough to let down your guard about things.

    Even though Muslims tend to marry fairly quickly to reduce temptation, sincere individuals also care about proving themselves as needed and making their potential mate feel secure. You both are older, so the fortunate thing is that you've both probably been in relationships and had experiences that has given you some ideas of what to look for in someone who is being honest. You aren't young and hormonal, so it's just an issue of taking the time to get to know one another until you also feel this is the step you want to take.

    If I were you, I would not plan on marriage in less than a year's time. If you throw that out there and he seems reluctant, that's a concern. A man who is trying to rush marriage against your feeling comfortable with it is either out for something more than just a wife, or he is completely lacking in understanding about your needs or cultural background and would probably not be an ideal spouse for you anyway.

    At any rate, if this is meant to be it will happen as God wills it to. The big issue here is the fact that you both will have a lot of challenges culturally, religiously and personally to sort out, and I advise those be ironed down to mutual satisfaction. If, several months from now, you still have misgivings about certain aspects, he may not be the right person for you.

    One final thing- don't give up on yourself. Just because of your age or other aspects doesn't mean you need to resign yourself to being single for the rest of your life. This isn't the only man God may have for you- He may have several that would be suitable. You don't have to settle on what you believe is the only choice. There are many men out there who are looking for someone like you, so there is not just one option here.

    -Amy Editor

  2. OP: A close friend works are also Muslims and they said they do not date or have girlfriends She said both bosses knew they were blessed with the right woman and so they choose to marry.

    Citizenship has to be one of the important factor. Make sure he is not already married.

    Islam does not allow dating or girlfriends, but many people do date secretly.

    Ask him how is life in his country as you would like to live there. You have to be very careful.

    I agree with Amy's advice to take it slowly.

  3. I was honestly going to write that this man is fraudulent, lying to you, after you citizenship , or money;until you mentioned that you're both close to 50. This put me at ease, because I can't imagine that some one in his age would be playing these sorts of games .... Again this is what I would like to think, could be wrong. He could very well be longing for a marriage because he had a bad experience with another. Either way I think for your safety and protection you need to know him more. Him saying that you're the one so quickly with out knowing any thing about you is weird, off , and alarming!!!!!

    Find out why he's rushing?
    Find out about his previous marriages, if he had any, why they ended?
    Try to assess his motives?
    How strong is his faith?
    What's his relationship with his family like?
    WHERE does he live? U.S or Middle East?

    In other words you need to know more!

  4. I would be concerned. There are many organized groups of people working in Internet cafes in Africa. They represent themselves to be middle aged men and they target lonely middle aged American women. They are seeking money, citizenship, etc.

    You should verify everything about him. If he is located in a west African country, I would be especially concerned because Internet scams and fraud are prevalent there. Love scams that target middle aged women are very common

    He could be legitimate but you should NEVER send him money (no matter what he says is the reason but especially if he's been "detained" or "needing money for a work project" or "stranded while traveling" etc). Also, live video conferences via Skype are essential. He should show his face, his home and everything else.
    He should be ready to pay for you, not the other way around. And if you choose to meet him in his country, learn all the laws about how marriage could affect our legal status and any other potential dangers.
    The Internet is a dangerous place to date/meet men. Especially the dating websites are full of predators. Be careful, go slow and use extreme caution.

    It seems like you are very suspicious of him already. If you have any doubts, do not proceed and never ignore your concerns.

  5. You can also use google to reverse search any photos of him that he sends you. If a reverse image search reveals that his name and/or location/biographical information do not match what he told you, you should not believe him. Stolen photos are the hallmark of a love scam.

  6. I would say to be very careful as Internet is not a safe place to meet a spouse. To make an initial connection may besok but it is important to meet the person in real life with other family members or a friend. People can be very fake on internet. Many men use women for visa and other selfish purposes. It is common these days and there are many predators out there. I am married and now in the home country of my spouse trying to find a way out. It is not so easy to get out once you are in but I will find a way. In many countries people are in deep poverty and they do not care to use anyone who is vulnerable to get what they want. We as women need to be educated an knowthe danger signs Follow your intuition as well and do not be so trusting. If he is trying to get to marry you so soon he probably is shallow and has another agenda for you to fullfill his purpose. There are other older spouses for you. So do not think its your last chance. It is much better to be safe as well and alone. Do not buy into the idea that older women can not find a spouse. They can with Allahs help. Having the right spouse is what is important and not ending up being used or abused. Make lots of prayers and dua and May Allah bless you with wisdom.

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