Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He has no family

I am divorced mother of 8&9 year old girl and boy.

i left my ex husband 8 years ago due to his addiction to drugs and abuse. I allowed him to see kids, but drugs came first.

i worked 2 jobs and studied, and have put my kids first always. Now Ive pondered on the idea of marriage.

i met a few guys from the same South Indian country where I originate from. They disgusted me.

i recently met a guy, from my neighbouring country of origin. Divorced with 2 kids aswell.

his history is sad, parents who abandoned him, raised himself, and is striving to be a better Muslim.

 

he doesn’t want anything but to make me closer to Allah swt. He wishes for Nikah before Ramadan and to take me umrah in Ramadan.

He has cow to my parents house alone, gifts etc and everyone likes him, physically aswell as how he talks.

 

now my parents initially said it’s my choice, overnight they said it’s not a good idea because he has no parents or relatives, if something goes wrong Who will help reconcile? My parents said he has to prove what assets he has and do registry.

he had initially said no, I explained they need reassurance and he said it’s fine his happy to do so.

my parents are concerned about my kids, but my kids love him, his kids and vice versa

he ia respectful and giving no pressure, but I know in my heart his a good man with a dark past.

What should I do? He has given me 12 weeks to decide as he doesn’t want to be hurt by prolonging any meetings together.

Please advise me what I should do?

 

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6 Responses »

  1. I think you should go ahead and marry him. You don't need HIS or your own relatives to act as mediators when you go through problems, you just have to openly and honestly communicate with one another. Marriage is supposed to be a union between two people...when it comes to your personal marital problems, you should honestly never get third parties such as family members and religious heads involved. The only third party that should be involved, if necessary, is a professional therapist that genuinely just wants to help. Family members and religious leaders always make things complicated and very biased.

    I understand that your family are worried about a man with no relatives, but what can you realistically do if you don't have any? It's a bit of an unfair thing to reject someone one for...

    Also, with all the people that have severe marital problems due to intrusive family members, maybe it's actually a good thing that he doesn't have family that will interfere with your marriage...

  2. Do Istikhara if result is positive then go ahead and marry him,if negative then don't marry him because it's good for you.

  3. Things to think about: Be certain that this man is who he says he is. Be sure that your children and his children will be able to get along in the same household. It might be a good idea to find out why he and his wife divorced. You don't want to be Ex-Wife No. 2 with three children. The issue of his parents sounds strange. [Who abandons their children? ] Regardless, not having family is not an important matte. Most of us have absolutely no control over how many family members we have. Some people have family ties and some people do not.

  4. Hello. Think hard. Does it matter if he has family or not? Some people have family and do nothing to help reconcile a couple. Go with your gut and do istikhara. You know what to do deep down

  5. Salam,

    What's his dark past? What's the reason for his first divorce? One reason your parents may be worried is that he has no references. Usually families can find out about other families but with this man it's as if he was dropped from the sky. How do you judge if he has good skills for relationships, his character, anything that would say what he is like when he is trying to look his best? If you can get some references for this guy and even better, talk to his ex wife and find out what happened it may help you and them in making a decision.

  6. Assalam.
    Last week itself I attended a workshop of elders regarding pre marriage and post marriage counselling where I learned much more , Alhamdulillah.

    They said you should not trust everything from one side. So ask your friend to give details of his first wife number or address, get to know about him of his past behaviours and character and his deen. I think you cannot ask directly to the person rather you can say parents willing to know. Later it may be helpful to choose your decision InshaAllah.

    Second He has dark past, ok agree a person willing to change his personality and moved closer to Allah, May Allah bless him steadfastness. Here in workshop i heard a girl has every right to keep conditions before marriage. Like “asking not to marry again after me or by giving divorce”or you will make me learn Quran” or “ Even asking like more amount of Mahar and keeping condition the Mahar amount will be double or triple when you give me divorce” May be this is new , but in shariat Islam has give many civil liberties and conditions to women.

    And lastly Don’t loose hope from the mercy of Allah, May Allah make it ease in your challenges and Offer Istiqhara prayers and know the meaning of dua, Masha Allah very powerful dua to have complete tawakkul in Allah and put your confusion in front of Allah. May Allah make it easy for you sister.

    Regards
    Farhan

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