Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He is honestly not in my heart at all, as my parents forced me

Where is the love, no love, loveless


I have had my nikah done to my distant cousin without my consent. My parents emotionally forced me to marry him, and at the last moment, I agreed, but not with my heart.

The Rukhsati has been postponed but he still has no place in my heart, honestly. I don't like him but I talk to him very nicely and politely and I feel as though I am being fake and faking interest in him--I'm not being the real person that I am.

My mental health is not in the right place, and as a result, I'm also now struggling with my Iman.

I don't know what to do...please reply to this post?


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalamualakum Sister Adeeba,

    You recognize what has happened here, which is the first step. You were basically emotionally blackmailed into this Nikah, but you also have to acknowledge that you have free will, and nobody could have said "NO" but you. You just have a lot of healing to do before you'd have been able to say so and not people-please.

    I would suggest that you not take this any further. Continue being polite and "politely" inform your parents and this poor man that you are not interested in marriage at this time. Don't be scared of your parents...they will have to accept. It's much better that you leave the relationship now than further along into it, because you and your parents are deceiving a good man who can find genuine love elsewhere.

    InshaAllah you will be fine. Pray a couple of Nafl prayers in addition to your obligatory before you have this conversation, seeking Allah's help and protection. I believe in you. You've got this!



    • “Tell them you are not interested in marriage at this time”….She is already married sister Nor. It’s all cultural forced marriage.

  2. Struggling with the exact same thing. Been 4 months since my nikah and things haven't gotten better. May Allah help us.

    • Assalamalekum Dear

      So sad this kind of thing still happening in our culture.Parents.Parents.
      Do IsteqaraH and have the courage to decide. My own educated sister in Pakistan got her 3 daughters married to total strangers. Out of three two appear to be working one got divorced within 2month after ruksati.the one divorced is so traumatised and now she is being treated as if she has defects.

      .please be open about how you feel to this person who perhaps doesn’t have clue that your are not happy..if you can’t say write to him and let him know of how you feel if he is a decent person he will do the right thing ! But before that please do isteqaraH seek Allah’s help either He put love/respect in your heart for this man and remove him from your life without fuss.
      May Allah SWT make it easy for all and guide parents to do right thing for their daughters/sons.

  3. You say you were married but without consent. Then you also say, you agreed but you didn't have your heart in it. Do you see self contradictions in this?

    With all due respect, nobody threatened you on your life or held a gun to your head. You gave your consent willingly and while in your complete senses, when you as the bride were asked, and you affirmed by saying yes. Had you chosen to say no, sure there would have been some drama in the family gathering, some arguments even, soole crying etc, but never the less you would not have been married.

    There is no easy way to say this. Irrespective of any familial, societal or cultural pressures, stop saying yes when you mean no. Stop expecting people to read your minds. I hope you realize that the other only way will be to face the same cultural pressure and emotional blackmail when applying for Khul or asking for Talaq because these are the only two options out of a nikah.

    • As someone who went through this, just because they didn't literally put a gun to my head does not mean I was forced. My parents threatened to divorce each other, told me to leave the house and never come back. My mother beat me up every day. They took all my devices so that I couldn't get help or external advice. They tore me down physically and emotionally until I had no will to live, saying things like "you'll go to hell if you don't accept this marriage, because obeying us is fard on you and you are disobeying us. if you marry someone else I hope he beats you as much as we do because that's what you deserve."

      I understand where you're coming from, but you've gotta be built like a rock in order to keep your stand despite all of this.

      • Asalamualaykum Ammarah,

        You are would need to be superhuman to resist a proposal after what you describe. I'm not sure as to the extent of blackmail inflicted on the original poster, but if it as what you describe, then I see no fault in them for saying "Yes." But now that the person suffering is questioning what has happened and clearly does not love or intend to love the suitor, they should seek divorce immediately and confront their fears and people-pleasing tendencies. Still very difficult, I know.


  4. Assalamualaikum

    I am also stuck into this very similar situation. My rishta was fixed with my cousin 7-8 years ago. I never said yes to it in all these years i have been telling my family that I don’t like him and I don’t want to get married to him. But they always threat of me breaking my family bond, of them dying because of me and many other. I came to know that my grandmother did an istakhara for this rishta and result was positive but i really don’t believe her as she has the tendency of lying too. I also tried to accept this rishta but i just couldn’t. Later in all these years i also fell in love with someone. I want to marry the person i love. I also get anxiety attacks even seeing or thinking of marrying my cousin. I can’t stand the thought of it. No matter how many times i try i always end up hating my cousin and falling more for the person i love. There is not much time left in my marriage and I don’t know what to do. Now all my brother and sisters know that i love someone else and also i have been given a threat to be killed. Please reply to this and help me

    • Asalamualaykum Sister,

      Do not under any circumstances agree to marry this person that you have been arranged to marry if you don't feel like you can put your heart into it. It would be an injustice to both you and him. If your parents threaten you, call the police or law enforcement in your country and tell them you are receiving death threats from your parents. This is all totally unacceptable in Islam! Pray to Allah that He relieve you of this stress once and for all, and provide you from sources you can't even imagine right now.



  5. Assalamualaikum Adeeba sis! Hope you are doing well.
    Ik what you are through is so heartbreaking. I'm going through a similar situation in my life where I'm being emotionally blackmail to accept the proposals which I don't like it's hard for me as I'm an only child and my father has passed away last yr if he was there he would never let thi happen against my will. After his death I have lost hope in everyone I have only hope in Allah I'm struggling with this situation .my mother is also ill she can't take a stand for me and gets very emotional and just ask me to accept any proposal which comes to me .I'm traumatized by this if I so no to the proposal my extended family then say such hurtful words go and search on your own why are being like this no rishta will come to you if you are like this. I'm suffering through it all alone hoping Allah swt will relieve me from my distress and grant me relief.
    I hope you take stand for yourself be brave do not let anyone control you bcz at the end we are the ones who suffer not the people I prat Allah swt guides you to the right decision give you happiness Aameen

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