He is very controlling and strict; Should I marry him or break this relationship off?
Controlling relationship
Salam,
My story is a bit long and I'm sorry in advance but I need answers and I need them soon.
Here it goes...
I met this guy in April and we're been talking since. Things started off really good. We met couple times a week for dinner and communicated throughout the day.
After about a month he started to bring up the topic of marriage. Keep in mind I'm 22 and he's 30. He's been married twice and has a 6 year old daughter. The topic of marriage has crossed my mind but not to the extent where he's putting it. I feel as if he wants to marry me by the end of this year.
He talked to my dad to ask my hand in marriage. My father agreed. A month after he talked to my father things started getting a bit out of hand. He started to control who I had a conversation with, who I gave hugs too, control over my phone and everything else I did.
I feel as if I can't even breath cause he constantly is around me and does not TRUST me at all. Keep in mind I never gave him a reason not to trust me.
Once we got into a huge fight and out of anger I told him is this the reason he's been married twice because he doesn't give his woman space to breath? And he flipped out and told me how I was wrong for saying that but it really makes me question on why his ex left him. He's overall a very sweet guy but his constant controlling me and insecurities are getting the best of me and it's driving me aways from him.
He told me once we get married all of this would stop but to me its like why should this have to stop once we're married?
How come this can't stop now? Everyday he has a problem with the way I answer the phone, send a text, or even dress. We live in Alabama where it's fairly a nice weather and he nags about my clothes and how my jeans are too tight or my shirts being to low. I am a very modest person. I don't wear revealing clothes to show my body off. I always cover up. But I feel like he wants me to wear a bagging shirt which is not happening cause I love fashion.
We go out for dinner couple times a week and guys stare at me and he hates it. He yells at me when guys look at me but its not like I can actually do something about it. I wish at times he would just stop putting this constant nag on me and let me actually live my life the way I want too.
I'm 22 years old and he's 30 and he's done many many things in his life and enjoyed his life to the fullest and it's like when it's my turn to live my life I'm being watched over and it's extremely hard cause I don't want to live my life on being extremely cautious on everything I do because of his sake of fighting with me.
I always explain to him that I need to go out with my friends too and I need space from him but his reason behind it is he thinks he's looking after me. When I really do miss hanging out with my brothers and family. He gets along great with my brothers and my parents. I am in just a postion that it's really hard to tell him anything because I'm scared on what he is going to say or do.
I just need my space from him. Whenever he feels that he is getting on my nerves he always tries to buy me things like a Louis Vuitton handbag or something fancy. But his gifts are coming to me every day now and it's really nice to get things on a daily basis but to also have to handle with the way he acts towards me is unacceptable and I should have to deal with his fights with me.
Is he ever going to change? Is he going to always be around me? Is he going to leave me if I do something wrong? Is my age going to become a factor in our relationship? Please PLEASE Please help me!
I pray Inshallah Allah (SWT) guides me and shows me if he is the one for me or not...
-Sarah
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Salaams,
I think your gut instincts are telling you right. I tend to agree with you, these behaviors are likely a good reason his previous two marriages did not last.
Research shows that controlling behaviors like the ones you are describing in fact do NOT lessen over time, but tend to increase, often to the levels of physical abuse.
You're right, if he wants to give you more space, there's no reason he can't do so now.
In my opinion, you should read the signs for what they are worth, and stop things with him before they get any worse. The fact that he's already trying to manipulate you with gifts and that you already feel scared of him are enough to tell you this isn't the way a relationship should be, and no it's not going to magically change with a wedding.
If you do break up with him, and he starts trying to stalk you or refuses to leave you alone, get a restraining order against him. My feeling just from reading your post is that this guy is not to be trusted and doesn't like someone else calling the shots, and may retaliate against you in some way. But it's still better you start cutting him out of your life, than indulging him any further and making it worse for yourself down the road when things get even worse.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The two of you are quite a pair. He is controlling and jealous, while you accept daily gifts from him without any intention of marriage.
The controlling behaviors will not change or lessen. Actually his behavior will probably get worse after marriage. I advise you to leave him.
Frankly, you sound quite immature and not ready for marriage in any case. You don't want to cover up because you "love fashion" (what about Islam's laws?). You say that he had his fun and now it's your turn to "live your life". What does that mean exactly? And you say you need space, but you accept expensive gifts from this poor sap.
The age difference is negligible, but I wonder if maybe the two of you simply have different value systems? Maybe he is more religious than you, and is uncomfortable with your behaviors. I don't see the two of you being compatible.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
exactly keep fashion inside the home. And anyway the prophet SAW told us not to follow and wear what the mushrikeen wear. we should dress the opposite to them. Their women wear jeans and tops we wear khimar and jilbab/abaya do the opposite. Be seen a muslim.
If he was more religious would he date her? would he give her gifts? thats not a religious man at all.
Sarah,
He is going to change...if you marry him, he will become even more controlling. He might throw away all of your clothing and only permit you to wear what he chooses for you. He will most likely cut you off from your friends, and limit your interactions with your family. He will closely monitor your phone, or take it away altogether, he will forbid you to have a job, will check the mileage on your car if he allows you to go anywhere without him, he will escort you at all times and if he can't, then you won't be allowed to go. He will control the money, pressure you to have children right away, stop giving you nice gifts, verbally abuse you eventually because you won't be able to do anything right. If men look at you it will be ALL YOUR FAULT, if you stand up to him he will hit you BECAUSE YOU MADE HIM DO IT. And when you are a shell of a person you used to be, he will cheat on you BECAUSE YOU CHANGED. The end.
Do not marry this man.
Subhanallah! Excellent advice...this is so true..these types of men do change like this.
Going into any relationship thinking the other person will change for you is always poor foresight.
Yep, that's a patriarchal maniac right there. Stay out. Suppose he was being controlling because of religion, that was a different thing, because his intentions were good, but he just did not know how to channelize him.
However, your ideas of 'living life' and 'loving fashion' will not find ground in my opinion because they do not exactly comply with the Shariah rules.
Of course, as humans, we tend to grow up with certain value systems and alhamdulillah, our parents raise us with good values and make us to be good human beings first. However, as time passes, we realize, that though there is nothing we do that causes harm to others, there do exist some things within us that are not in line with the laws Allah has set forth. And we need to bring that change to live a life Allah wants us to live.
To cut it short, sister, our idea of living life must be living a life that earns us the pleasure of Allah. And we can do that through our speech, our actions, our worship, our mannerisms, our dressing.
I just reviewed my above reply and I realized I have hardly said anything about being with this man, because I think there isn't much to discuss about it. Because, sister, find yourself someone who doesn't ask you to change for his sake but for the sake of Allah.
I know there is this common ideology going around that has beliefs like "Love for what I am" or "If he loves me, he won't change me." This is absolutely wrong. If a person truly loves you and has a distant vision, he/she will definitely change you, because he wishes to have your company, not just in this world, but in the hereafter.
And Allah knows best.
If he was such a religious man would he look for a wife who does not follow Islam correctly? would he be so proud to go outside with a woman who doesnt wear hijab. And would he Date. if he was a muslim man. He would fear Allah. Lower his gaze and not go near a woman before marriage. He can only go out with a woman if she is his mahram.
I am afraid to say but he is not exactly the religious type.
i agree you should do things for sake of Allah and at the moment they both doing things for dunya her and her fashion and him and his ego. All wrong
Sulayfah, good points. I had not thought of it that way.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I'm not sure if that is a response to my post?
exactly! i thought the same sulayfa.but you have put it so rightly.
You said,
" I pray Inshallah Allah (SWT) guides me and shows me if he is the one for me or not... "
I will insha'Allah pray that Allah(SWT) guides you. I dont think the man is in wrong. This is bound to happen between a supposedly "religious" man and a " modern-islamist" woman. As you said you " love fashion ", men stares at you for that reason. and then you say its not your fault ??? Try wearing baggy pants no-one will stare at you and that man would be less controlling.
You also said and I quote " We go out for dinner couple times a week and guys stare at me and he hates it. He yells at me when guys look at me but its not like I can actually do something about it. "
He is certainly jealous that other men stares at you and its obvious and YES, if you want you can actually do somthing about it. If you want men to stare at you or not, its all in your hands.
Just saying !!!
“O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) all over their bodies. That will be better, that they should be known (as free respectable women) so as not to be annoyed. And Allaah is Ever Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[al-Ahzaab 33:59]
You asked-
"Is he ever going to change? "
Most most most probaly He is NEVER going to change. He is who he is and you are who you are. NOT compatible.
"Is he going to always be around me? "
Yes once marriage is done, He is going to be around you just what sister Lydia said above.
" Is he going to leave me if I do something wrong? "
hmmmm, he's had two divorces already, thats some job done. difficult question to answer but I think, he would torture you and not leave you when you do somthing wrong !!
"Is my age going to become a factor in our relationship? "
YES YES YES. I highly think that he and you are not compatible with each other. Your views, systems, values etc are very diferent from him. are you planing to marry someone you are scared of ?
You said
" I'm 22 years old and he's 30 and he's done many many things in his life and enjoyed his life to the fullest and it's like when it's my turn to live my life I'm being watched over and it's extremely hard cause I don't want to live my life on being extremely cautious on everything I do because of his sake of fighting with me."
I really doubt that he " enjoyed " his life to the " fullest " lol. He's got two divorces and a child. Its really not " FUN ", anyways, like you said, now its your turn to live your life and I hope its FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH (SWT).
Remember that death maybe few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, away. No one knows when is it, and no one is too young to die. So Insha'Allah you will live your life according to the teachings of the Qur'an and sunnah, do lots and lots of worshiping in this holy month of ramadan and abstain from evil deeds and haram stuffs. Since you are not yet married with this man, STAY AWAY FROM HIM !!! Its a SIN.
You're only 22 and a virgin I suppose, He's 30 with two divorces and a child. You complain so much about him and yet you stay with him. I really wonder that you staying with him maybe because of his wealth and you want your gifts hmmmmm. I really cant see any other picture. So i advice you to leave this man.
Pray salat al istikharra and may Allah (SWT) guide you.
Masalam
uuuuhh I soooo agree with you Ali-bin-Abdullah-Shaikh......
I quote; "As you said you " love fashion ", men stares at you for that reason. and then you say its not your fault ??? Try wearing baggy pants no-one will stare at you and that man would be less controlling".
So your suggesting that he would be less controlling if she dressed properly! :/
are you kidding ?!
okay ...she has flaws thats very clear in her post
However the way he is acting is unacceptable
men who behave the way the man have no excuse.
I got your point...this is a very nice advice that I've never read from others....by the way,.I have same issue that's why...
Don't marry this man he has had 2 failed marriages, this is proberly why he was a control freak & doesn’t know how to respect a woman!! Red flags flying, leave him and find someone else, you deserve better.
Salam sister Sarah,
Hope you are doing okay 🙂
I think you both are two different people, and maybe his first two marriages didn't work out because he married very different women to himself. I wouldn't say he is very religious, coz relgious people don't date-at least not on regular basis-they don't freely hang out together.
What you call modest may not be modest from Islamic point of view. If you are fully covered up yet the shape of your body is apparent (chest, butt, thighs) then that is not considered modest. Modest clothing is loose, opaque, thick-enough garments.
I think when he tells you to wear loose garments, is because it hurts his ego when other guys gazes your body shape. I don't think he is concerned to what Islam says about modesty.
All in all, it is your decision, but my suggestion to you is to leave him.
May Allah (swt) open our eyes and guide us to His straight path-ameen-
Your sister, Parveen.
Asalam waliykum,
First of all, the correct way to court and meet a potential spouce would be to be through parents.
Allah will bless a union if it is done the halal way. If you do things the wrong way do you really expect there to be a goodness in it, any baraka?
So firstly the man should of approached your Father your wali before even mentioning marriage to you, then you should meet with your wali. always 3 even in public becuase you will tarnish your rep if you are seen alone with men. It is totally unislamic again do you want allahs blessings or not? and do you want respect?
It is wrogn what he is doing but you are also doing wrong by going out alone with him and making this thing inot a "relationship" in Islam there is no stage from single life to married. No dating which is what you are doing? So again if you want blessing, and goodness do it the islamic way and do not date him. If he wants to talk to you he has to call you infornt of your family and he has to go out with you and one of your walis and this should only be to make sure you know everything not to flirt and "fall in love".
there are so many things wrong with this situation... i can understand why there are so many problems.
His passed is his passed,Tell you wali how he is treating you. Your father i can imagine will not be happy and cut off the courtinf "dating". I know that any father would not permit their daugther to marry such a man who is controlling and bad tempered.
I am afraid to say it will only get worse after marriage do not think it will get better. Just think before marriage is the bit where you try to make the best impression and after that people let go. So if he is doing this now.. what will he do after marriage?? its scarey to think.
I would reccomend taking time out and tell him its time to walk away from now. Give him space and yourself space to grow. Think about the future... marriage is not about dating and frolicking... its about commitment its about being on the same path to Allah.
What about first building your relationship with Allah. Trying to fullfill all your obligations, hijab and khimar? lowering your gaze, portecting your beauty from these men that stare at you. Sorry to say it your fault they stare. If you covered what allah ordered you to then you would not get looks. Hijab is to be worn outside, an outer garmnet a jilbab worn ontop of your under clothes. Keep your jeans and your tops for the family. even your fiance should not see you without hijab.
When things go wrong you can not blame others what about yourself nad your relationship with Allah.
If you sin all the time do you really think Allah will bless your marriage? I hope you think about that.
Do you really want to marry a pimp? A man who permits his wife to go outside unvieled for men to abuse her with their eyes, commit zina with her, allow her to mix with men at work and parties in islam is called a Dayyuth look it up sis. Al-albani sahih al jami.
Respect yourself, correct your deen and then Allah will bestow a man a mumin who will treat you like a queen. But first you need to treat yourself like one and obey Allah. Without that you really have no one to blame.
Ask Allah for guidance and i pray you start to respect yourself and come back to Islam.
wasalam
If you're calling him a pimp, then you're calling her a whore. Let's not get extreme in our comments please.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
This is not me. It's the prophet saw in his hadith. So please take up your argument with Allah and his prophet. Let me know how that turns out.
Prophet said a man who allows his wife to go out unveiled is dayyuth a pimp. Look up the hadith yourself. Women who disobey Allah with knowledge are doing so with arrogance.
To blame everything on everyone without looking at yourself and fixing that first.
Sorry my comment not extreme.its from the hadith are you calling our beloved prophet extreme?? Authobillahi .... careful at what u say about the prophet saw and his sunnah.
Sister it is the month of Ramadan you should not respond so harshly. When speaking to people you should respond politely. What you say to someone could really hurt their feelings.(you should know that)
P.S. Were is your evidence to this hadith show us please.
The Prophet warned the Muslims saying: "Do not misquote me. Whoever does so will have his abode in Fire".
No, it is not the hadith I am calling extreme, it is you. This woman is not his wife, and therefore he bears no responsibility for her actions. Secondly, your attitude in general is harsh and argumentative, and that's not what we need here. People here need guidance, not condemnation. The Messenger of Allah (sws) was the kindest person one would ever meet.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
agreed 100%
Guidance via quran and sunnah or emotions of people who have little basis in islam?? Huidance you call it... i think its misguidance.
!00% disagreeed. i avalue the opinion of a person when they give me solid evidence not there emotional opinion based on some movie. Sorry doesnt cut it with Islam. Islam is facts.
100% disagree with all you have said. Its all on your own desires and wants. Where is the islamic stance and evidence.??
here is your evidence, very disapointed with people here. They choose emotions over Allahs words and prophets words authobillahi.
Dayuuth in hadith
The Holy Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wasallam is reported to have said: "There are three types of people who will not enter paradise nor will All�h look unto them with mercy on the day of judgement. Firstly, a person disobedient to his parents. Secondly, a woman who emulates men and thirdly, a Dayyooth (cuckold)."
Commentary
a. It means that children who disobey their parents will be deprived of All�h's mercy and they will not be forgiven.
b. A woman who emulates men in dress, speech or appearance will also be deprived of All�h's mercy on the day of judgement.
c. A Dayyooth will also not be worthy of All�h's mercy on that day. A Dayyooth is referred to as a person who does not forbid his wife or daughters from mingling or conversing with Ghair Mahrams (strangers or men they can marry).
Question:
Is Ad-Dayyuth the one who speaks about what passes between him and his wife when they are alone, or who is Ad-Dayyuth, according to the correct view of the true Islamic religion? May Allaah reward you with goodness.
Answer:
Ad-Dayyath is one who accepts sin on the part of his wife, by approving of her committing adultery and does not prevent her from doing so, nor does he become angry for Allaahs sake, due to his lack of honour and self-respect, and weakness of faith. As for one who rebuked her and prevented her from sinning, he is not called Ad-Dayyuth.
Shaykh `Abdul-`Azeez Bin Baz
Fatawa Islamiyah Vol. 5 Page 188
Ahmad related on the authority of Ibn `Umar (may Allah be pleased with them) that Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "There are three persons to whom Allah (Blessed and Exalted be He) has forbidden Jannah (Paradise): the one addicted to Khamr (intoxicants), the impious son, and the Dayyuth who does not deny Zina committed by his female household." Al-Haythamy said in Majma` Al-Zawa'id that the name of one of the narrators of the Hadith was not mentioned, but the other narrators were Thiqah (trustworthy). Also, Al-Tabarany related on the authority of `Ammar ibn Yasir (may Allah be pleased with him): The Messenger of Allah
(Part No. 17; Page No. 198)
(peace be upon him) said: Three (kinds of) persons will never be admitted into Jannah: the Dayyuth, the mannish woman, and the one addicted to Khamr. The people asked: We know those who are addicted to Khamr, but what about the Dayyuth? He replied: He who does not care who comes in to the female members of his family. They asked: Who is the mannish woman? He answered: A woman who imitates men. Al-Haythamy said in Majma` Al-Zawa'id: The Hadith includes narrators whose status is not known, but there are no weak narrators among them. Al-Bazzar and Al-Tabarany related on the authority of Malik ibn Uhaymir (may Allah be pleased with him) who said that he heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) saying: "Allah shall not accept from Al-Sukur on the Day of Resurrection any repentance or ransom. We said: O Messenger of Allah! What is Al-Sukur? He said: He who allows men to come in to their female household." Al-Haythamy commented that among the narrators was Abu Razin Al-Bahily whom he did not know, but the rest of the narrators were Thiqah. Accordingly, the first above-mentioned Hadith shows that the term "Dayyuth" is used to describe any person who does not deny Zina committed by any woman in his charge, whether his wife, daughter, sister, and so on, and whether it is an act of Zina or a means that leads to it, such as revealing `Awrah (parts of the body that must be covered in public) in front of non-Mahrams (not a spouse or unmarriageable relatives), being alone with them, wearing perfume when
(Part No. 17; Page No. 199)
going out, and other means which provoke Fitnah (temptation) and corruption. The other Hadith that are related to the same meaning fall under the generality of the first Hadith, even though they include the previously-mentioned defects. It is known that remaining silent about Munkar is Haram (prohibited). This is so whether this Munkar is committed on the part of one's female household or on the part of others. However, refraining from denying Munkar that is committed by one's charges is more prohibited and graver in sin because the man is the guardian who is responsible for his charges. This silence is indeed Munkar, whether it makes him described as Dayyuth or not, because of the Ayahs (Qur'anic verses) and Hadith indicating this. May Allah grant us success. May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family, and Companions.
The best video on the matter intermingling Sheikh Fiez talks about Dayyuth and how sick it is, being a pimp!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMFWaoR5Oa4
This is all sahih and if you reject it then thats from your own desires. The evidence is all here. look it up read and learn!!
SubhanAllah, I really think there are some people here who type like madmen (and madwomen) without reading the post, or thinking at all. Opinions based on a movie? What are you going on about, Muhajaba? What did I say that you so completely disagree with?
You are quoting all these hadith about the cuckold or Dayyuth. No one doubts the words of the Messenger of Allah (sws), but what is the relevance to this post? Absolutely none. This man is not married to this woman, there is no evidence that they have committed zinaa, and certainly no evidence that she is having relations with other men.
Think and pay attention before you write. I'm putting you on moderated status from here on.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam!
I dont believe that she was calling him a pimp. She was just asking if our sister preferred instead a man who has no respect for Allah and thus did not care what his wife did, wore or was. To me, she was neither on her side nor on his. I dont mean to be rude...but the comments seemed to be all over the place. I believe thats why one can intepret it the wrong way. We are never hear to judge, just provide some help:-)
i really think that you should not marry this man. your instinct tell you to leave...if he is controlling and possessive now, then this will only increase as time goes on. i think that you are young, and have time to find someone with whom you are more compatible with.
do not marry this man end of you've spot the signs early now just leave
Allah has made it easy for you he has shown you that he is not a good man.
Dont blame the man. Well normally that man is neither wrong nor bad. He just got his own opinions and views which is being possesive and protective. many men are like that.
For a fact, her father even accepted his proposal for a reason. It maybe that her father likes him for who he is. Since her father accepted him, it just shows that this man has good qualities. But since sister Sarah has completely opposing views, they are never compatible with each other. I really can't blame the man. We advice sister Sarahh to leave this man not because he is a monster but only because they are not compatible and nothing else. She would hate him after marriage most probably.
But Islamically, they both are wrong and sinned.
In many eastern cultures its acceptable for men to be controlling and possessive
but these qualities are Unislamic and are unacceptable
the brother may not be very religious himself anyway since his out on dates with her.
Salam,
It does not seem like you really love him. Think what love means? You just met this guy and already you feel this way. He is who he is and believe me, he will not change the way you prefer. He will only get worse, especially with your mindframe on everything. Think about it, you love the gifts he is giving, LV bag and probably Chanel on the side with Prada shades and whatnot.. but he is buying you into it. It would be the same if you bought him expensive gifts just to make him calm down a bit. That's not how it works.
Leave him and let Allah bring the right man for you. Don't date people.
PersianBaby,
You say, "He is very controlling and strict; Should I marry him or break this relationship off?" I say, "run as fast as you can from this man and do not marry him." It will be the biggest mistake you will ever make within your lifetime. I hope you will read Lydia's response on this board over and over and hear loud and clear every word she writes. This man will take everything you have emotionally and leave you nothing but a shell of a person.
Ask yourself, why would this man have been married twice and divorced at the young age of 30? There are reasons here and the mere fact that you state "he is very controlling and strict", has everything to do with the fact that his marriages were not fruitful. Save yourself a lifetime of heartache and end things immediately. Do it or prepare for a life changing, life altering state of mind, body and soul.
Salam
Salaams,
I just want to point out, for those who would say that this man's behavior is normal or reasonable, that the poster and man in question live in Alabama USA. Perhaps this kind of behavior is more "normal" in other cultures, but in American culture it is not. Men (Muslim or otherwise) are not typically this controlling in America, and those who are tend to be abusive. From the post, she is not even permitted to visit with her own brothers and family.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes,you are right .This is westernized Islam. Mixture of American culture and Islam.
Salaams,
I'm not sure what you mean. Controlling behavior is not a part of ANY Islam. There are some cultures who think being controlling as a man is more acceptable, but that still has nothing to do with Islam.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister he is only 30 and has been married 2 times,red flag! I guess by the time he is 40 he will be working 5 th or 6 th.you sound like you are not ready to settle down,you seen to want to men to look at u and need that type of attention,I am very beautiful and men do not look at me while I am covered up,u are Muslim and you need to take pride in yourself and have some class ,you should not b hugging guys,unless a father or child relative,I would personally flip if my husband was hugging women,there are a lot of comfort level of control in a marriage my husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex ,I don't go out and hang around the mall and all these things ,it's better to stay home mostly ,and go out when your husband takes you, it works well for us
Sister Sara,
"We go out for dinner couple times a week and guys stare at me and he hates it".
My humble opinion is that you are not ready for marriage. You have the thirst of a little girl that wants to explore and may go "look at me, look at me!".
When you are ready for marriage and I mean truly ready, then you would only crave for your husband's attention....You know why? Because you would be mature enough to value his thoughts, wishes and wants. And vice versa. Once you reach that maturity level, you would appreciate him just the way he is.
I cannot say that he is what you describe him to be for we have no knowledge of his story. But for sure what I can say about him is that he is infatuated with you BUT you are both not on the same page.
I personally think you are not ready for marriage sister. Not because of the age....but because of the lack of understanding of the requirements from a woman who is ready to settle down.
Did you pray Salat-ul-Istikhara? You should. InshaAllah, may Allah SWT guide you both into making the right decision. And remember, 2awakal 3alal-llah.
And Allah SWT knows best.
oops...I think I am waaaaayyy late with my response. Hope it helps anyway.
Sister In Islam.
The sister states, "We go out for dinner couple times a week and guys stare at me and he hates it". She is a beautiful woman and this guy gets jealous and there is nothing wrong with that. However, it is human nature for one to look at something that is beautiful. This sister doesn't need to sit with a paper bag over her head while she is out. If anything, her husband to be should be happy to dine with such a lovely woman and be proud that she has accepted his marriage proposal. He should act his age and get a grip on himself and his behavior. This does not mean she is not ready for marriage, it just means that this man is very jealous and cannot deal with anyone looking this sisters way.
I personally don't think this sister should marry this man today, tomorrow or ever. When she is ready for marriage, I hope to God she values her own thoughts, wishes and wants. To appreciate him just the way he is would be the worst mistake of her life. He is controlling and manipulative and this sister is a fool if she thinks expensive gifts will make things good. Isn't going to happen. Ever.
This man is not infatuated with this sister, he just wants what he wants when he wants it. I personally don't see a problem with the age difference at all, in fact I think it is a great thing for a man to be somewhat older than his wife to be. However, lets take a look at the situation. This man has gone through two wives already! If those aren't huge red flags then I don't know what is! It sounds like he doesn't even value marriage enough to even work at them. Two marriages and a kid and he wants to marry wife number three? Yalla teef!
My daughter is the same age as this sister and if I were this young girls mother I would stand in the way of this marriage ever happening. Never will I allow any of my girls to marry a control freak if I have anything to do with it. This sisters father gave approval for this union based on what? Did he do a back ground check? I bet he knows nothing of this brother because if he did, he would not be in such a hurry to hand his daughter over.
I had a very well known family come and ask for my daughter. Little did they know, mama bear did her research. What did I find? He has been in jail, loves to drink alcohol and loves to party with the women. It pays to do one's homework. I can only pray for this young sister that she will be smart enough to look past all the gifts this man offers her because she doesn't know what she is in for. To live a life with a controlling man is very difficult, even for the best of us.
Salam
dear sister,
you are a young girl.this is your first marriage so u r excited and since he brings gift n all for u so u think he is a nice guy and ignoring thenegative signs he is giving you. i did the same mistake.even i thought after marriage thinks will get bettter and this is just his childish behaviour.right now u r just fantisising the marriage and all but i think the biggest present or gift that a husband can give is the space to his wife.apart from his wife u r also an individual person. u also have some liking , wishes etc.i am not saying that u do things against islam but atleast u shud not feel that this relationship is a burden.if he is doing this before marriage imagine what will he do after marriage when u r his wife and suppose to listen to her.right now he has no right to order you or control u then he is doing this.find out the reason why he got divorce.dont get into this relattionship u will spoil your life and one day u wil also become like him and spoil your aakhrat.you r young and u will get many boys in future.after marriage those expensive gifts will not give u any pleasure at that time u will be craving for freedom and will cry all day.
Hmmm!!! Red red flags he has been married twice you said? Did you ever wonder why his other two wife's left him? Or when you father agree for you to marry this man did he even check his background or ask around If he was a nice guy? Sweetie when I got married to my husband my dad ask everybody about this guy background before he said yes. So my point is your daddy or mommy won't be there to see what is going on when he controls u like that. Honestly he will not change it will get worse and worse and sweetie once your married he isn't going to buy you nice hand bags or what ever he is buying you, that will change I feel like he is buying things for you to stay with him is like a baby crying and mommy is giving him a candy now he is quite and having a good time. No honey open your eyes do not marry this man is not allll about fashion and hand bags, when you turn 80 years old will you care for fashion and hand bags nah you want that man to respect you, love you care for you and your family. And I'm a young muslim girl who get stare at all the time. But how dare me even notice it I would give them the meanest look they would turn the other way. You gotta respect yourself as a real women.At least don't dress so tight for man to notice you. Is not the mans fault is your fault if you want man to stare you then don't get married because your not ready sweetie. Marriage isn't a day or two is a life time. A controlling man will never change that is the worst thing in the world is to be control man and women.
I honestly advise you to leave him. After marriage, he will not change. Instead, he will use his power and "islamic" authority as a husband to control you even more. I know what it's like to have a very strict and controlling husband.
Dear Sarah, I don't believe he will change and it would only get worse if you married. Please end this relationship before he destroys your abilirubin to think rationally. I know this will be hard and you may want to hear something different but I fear you ate on danger. I pray that you will find the courage to escape while you still can, be able to live your life and meet someone who lives you and gives you the freedom you deserve. With Love and best wishes, Rachel xxx