He’s too open minded, should I marry him?
Open mind vs. narrow mind
Asalaam Alaykum ,
I am in desperate need of advice.
I have been searching for about 2.5 years now and have not found anyone suitable as a marriage partner...until now, I think.
I actually live in the UK and was introduced to a brother from Texas. Before meeting with him, I exchanged a few e-mails with him, which were very brief. Although he seemed like a practising brother (been to Egypt to study Arabic, used to attend khateeb lessons etc.), in my mind I had rejected him as his thoughts about Islam were slightly different (e.g. he celebrates the mawlid, doesn't mind attending a khatam, listened to scholars different to the ones I listen to etc.)
But my friend managed to convince me and I thought there would be no harm in trying. Once I met with him with my friend, I found that we got along really well and his personality was just perfect for me. I left the meeting feeling a little more reassured of his beliefs. I felt that maybe the differences that existed can be lived with and compromises can be made.
But as I spoke to him further over the phone, I began to realise that maybe the differences might be too huge to deal with. (I made istikhara throughout the process from the first day of meeting). I found out that he follows the maliki madhab, which is fairly different to the other three madhabs. (I'm comfortable with madhabs, but feel that sometimes the stronger opinion needs to be adopted to err on the side of caution).
He mentioned that he’s a diverse and complex person, but I wasn’t sure of what he meant. I eventually found out many other factors about him that initially troubled and shocked me (loyalty to the US army, listened to music occasionally etc.) but eventually I got used to them as I believed that these beliefs would not affect me in any way and he reassured me that he would never try to change my views and that they were minor issues in the deen that wouldn't affect anyone in a marriage. He also mentioned a couple who were very different to each other in terms of deen, but after marriage they made compromises and are getting along fine.
I am still communicating with him, discussions about engagement and marriage have also taken place, but I need to make a decision soon as I do not want to lead him into thinking that this is finalised.
My problem is:
1) I’m not sure whether I would be able to live with the fact that my husband is too open minded about certain things
2) Although he has said that he will take his wife’s views into account, allow her to practise the deen the way she wants to and let the children make their own decisions in terms of deen; it is more likely that children will have the same views as the father.
I really need advice on this, I am extremely confused as to what step I should take. On one hand I feel that I have been searching for too long and as I get older (I am 25 at the moment), brothers are less likely to consider me. But on the other hand I fear that I might just make the wrong decision, which could end in a divorce.
I have prayed istikhara about 4 times now (I’ve known him for two weeks), but it seems like the more I get to know him, the more I discover about him, that I do not feel comfortable about. Yet I am reassured that this would not affect the marriage and eventually he might start to belief differently about things (I have been told many times not to expect a partner to change after marriage!)
I will really appreciate your comments!
- tawaqal
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Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh tawaqal,
I hope this finds you well. I am glad to see that you take the decision of marriage very seriously. I am going to write from experience and give you my two sense on the matter; solely through the experiences I have witnessed in life. Marriage , no matter how well 'suited' a couple seems will always need tweaking, and suffer from some intial awkwardness. Even siblings raised in the same home will find that there are differences. However, I do believe that when it comes to religious matters you two should be on the same page. Also, I honestly don't feel you have allowed yourself enough time to make a valid decisions; says she who's done the same thing. I've realized that in life time is the greatest factor to determining a person's sincerity and true character. Because the hadith speaks about being pleased with a man's deen and his character; they very much go hand in hand. Then Islamically, we need to speak to his friends and see who he hangs out with to determine this. This too, is much easier said than done because the 'friends' you are given contact information say the best of their companion (mashaAllah) though leave out vital bits of their personality. It makes it hard to determine what is and isn't there. I honestly feel, it's time that will tell. And that your 'gut' feeling is the BEST feeling. DO NOT, and I repeat..DO NOT ignore that cringing moment in your chest that's like "well....erm.. I don't exactly agree, but we aren't perfect and it's we'll figure it out". No... you won't figure it out. When you get married you'll hit yourself in the head because your desire to find 'the one' was so strong you overlooked the crucial points that did not really make him 'the one'.
If for example you hate listening to music, and he constantly plays it....there's going to be trouble. If he loves movies, and you're trying to avoid it...there's going to be trouble. If you feel that teaching your children to pray with their hands on the side is not a properly accepted view, where as he doesnt....there's going to be trouble. The malaki fiqh allows for dogs as pets, so if you don't agree with this as there is strong evidence about it's saliva...there's going to be trouble. Islam is very much your personalty and character. I'm not saying one or the other is correct .. but when it comes to marriage I've realized before you commit BE PICKY!! If you ain't feeling it... you ain't feeling it. Trusting Allah subhanhu wa tala is also knowing that the right person for you will come along..... right being you are happy with their understanding of religion and their character.
If you are not, don't make excuses. Any one time you're allowed to be judgemental, it's the case of marriage. You have to live with the man, share a family with him, wake up every single day to him. If you start resenting his actions, his thoughts......you will eventually start becoming emotionally detached, wa Allahu Alim.
Be picky, because it pays off in the long run. Marriage is hard enough to get right, start with using what Allah subhanhu wa tala has blessed you with, you 'gut' instincts. You have done istikhara, that doesn't mean you'll find a 'post-it' fall from the sky, it means your heart it being guided to the truth. I'm telling you sis...been there, done that... please follow your 'gut' even if you feel sad that maybe you're being picky etc and he's perfect in every other way; it's not good enough! I learned the hard way.. you don't do that, 'kay? 🙂 InshaAllah
May Allah subhanhu wa tala grant you a spouse that will be a coolness to your heart, a coolness to your eyes, one who will aid you in this world and the there hereafter, may He make things clear for you, and bless you with the understanding you need... Ameen.
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Couldn't have said it any better!!
Read over , again and again and again and THINK over what sister Umm Abdullah has said here.
Subhanallah, its amazing that some things are SO similar ...My reply would've been exactly what sis Umm Abdullah has said to you...been through it, done that and learned the hard way. You DONT do the same please... Trust me...
U havent been through it so we cannot possibly expect u to fully understand it however, just accept the advice of those who have been through something and are warning you against it.
These "petty" things that dont seem to matter now WILL matter after marriage...they will come up everyday as you will be living with this man.
And to be v honest, although hes saying to you now these issues are not issues and that he can overlook the small differences...I dont believe it, and neither should you. I know you 'want' to believe it but dont deny the truth (coz in ur head, u know whats right but ur heart is leading u towards him)....otherwise ull only be hit harder in the future.
Dont rush it. When I was reading ur post I thought uve known him for atleast a few months yet was surprised when I reached teh end to see all this and only in two weeks? Give it time...maybe try asking for a break..cut contact completely with him for a few days or week or two and in that time, focus only on asking for guidance - Istikhaara. It will help clear your mind and judge better.
Was salaamu alaikum
Sister, you have received a very excellent response from Umm Abdullah. Some of the sisters here have even crossed the 4-0 but still wait with tawakkal Allah, because they know that when Allah will bring the right person, it will not be SO hard to reach a decision, inshAllah. Keep praying istikharah and tahajjud and asking for His guidance.
One thing I will add to the above: his friends will only tell you what they know of him as a 'friend" and not things that one would take notice of if they were looking at him as a potential life long partner. I had the same thing happen to me, and when we spoke, the guy started asking me to make sure I would not got part time after marriage bec he wanted the combined income so we could have nice home/cars etc and showed a very materialistic side, and also admitted to me taht he had had many sexual relations with nonmuslims girls- none of all this his friends who introduced us were aware of. It was my istikhara and trust in Allah that saved me from that guy, and that was 10 long years ago, but I keep waiting as Allah may be testing me and may have someone wonderful for me in the afterlife inshallah - trust me, I know it is hard and I am much older than you, having just turned 40!
Walalikumassalam Warahmathallahi Wabarakthuhu,
Personally, i think this marriage will not work out. Marriage is a very important commitment and so need a lot of though before hand..theres no need to rush because you're getting older Allah(swt) will show you your future spouse when he thinks you ready.
Nonetheless, the reason why i think this proposal will not work:
1) Like you have mentioned already, the kids are more than likely to follow the father. Remember, he's the man of the household, so we should choose someone who follows the quran and sunnah of our beloved prohpet (pbuh). You mentioned he listens to music ( which is haraam) and obviously, you both practice the deen in different ways so in the future, it is likely to cause problems regardless of him saying that he will let his wife do what she want even if the problems are minor.
2) Sis, just because someone else's marriage worked out fine even with their deen difference, that doesent mean yours will aswell.
3) in some ways, him being open minded is good in someways as there will be alot of communication between you and him however, he mind end of saying which may hurt your feeling but i think it depends on how he carries the problems across to you.
Sis, i get a feeling that you're rushing the marriage. You're not feeling comfortable around him now, so do you think its likely to change in the future??
Allahu Walim sister..so i suggest pray more istikhara before you take this any further with this brother.
Inshallah, i hope it works out for you sis and that Allah(swt) will give you a virtuous husband.
Aameen.
sister may the almighty make everything easy for you,Pick a suitable partner for yourself but also make sure that you are also compatible for your partner.
. Hadith: A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) after seeing a woman for the purpose of marriage and said 'She is of good Deen but her father refuses' He (saw) replied 'did you look to yourself?' (This man never went for jihad or was see among the men of Medina ). The man replied 'Ya Rasuallah, verily you have spoken the truth".
Dear SLMuslimah,
Please do not say that music is haram. You have no right to dictate what is halal or haram. This is a long debated issue.
Hello music instruments is haraam except for drum and I forgot d Ada one my proof....the prophet saw said I'll knw the hour is near when musical instruments will bcome rapid
I mean u'll
Asalaam Alykum warahmatullah wabarakatu to all my Sisters in Islam,
Jazak'Allahu khairan for your responses..I really appreciate the time and effort you took to post your replies.
I did give it some very serious thought, it was at least 1.5 months and I came to the decision that I would no longer consider the brother. MashaAllah he has many good qualities and was a true gentlemen (which you rarely find), but I realised that these differences would have been a huge issue after marriage; I was also advised by many of my friends of the same.
I am still searching and actually turned 26 last week, alhumdulillah. It has been a very long struggle and pressure is building, from family as well as from outside. At times I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel and wonder when will my search ever end....but I have to keep my trust in Allah (swt) and always know that it will happen when destined. It doesn't help when I hear of so many other sisters who have almost reached their 30's and are still searching.
I have tried informing friends to keep an eye out and have tried a number of options myself, but I seem to come across too many brothers who don't really fit my criteria. Any advice you can offer? What other options are there? I guess discussing it with someone who has been through it really helps reassure me. So I will really appreciate your help sisters.
Jazak'Allahu khairan!
Wasalaam. XxX
What can single sisters do? This era is so different. There are slim chances of meeting the right person for marriage now. There's nothing else you can do (after going on matromonial websites, single events, or being introduced by friends/family) but lastly ask Allah. We have to try to move on with our life, and think that if we don't get a husband in this duniya then we'll get one in the hearafter inshAllah. I never thought that I'd reach my late 20's and still end up single. I have thought many times to become less religious, so I don't scare the guys off or will show more interest in me. I am not event that strict with my religion. I have a good balance between deen and duniya. I am attractive, cute, smart, but i don't wear a hijab (iA, I may take up on in the future).
Asalaam alaikum,
I'll just state the obvious: maybe wearing and observing hijab is your missing puzzle piece to finding a pious husband.
True professor I've met alot handsome guys looking for wives but they want her to be in hijaab and read salaah and well islamically inclined..... And none of the girls I knw are like that so staying unmarried stll searching
What can single sisters do? This era is so different. There are slim chances of meeting the right person for marriage now. There's nothing else you can do (after going on matromonial websites, single events, or being introduced by friends/family) but lastly ask Allah. We have to try to move on with our life, and think that if we don't get a husband in this duniya then we'll get one in the hearafter inshAllah. I never thought that I'd reach my late 20's and still end up single. I have thought many times to become less religious, so I don't scare the guys off or will show more interest in me. I am not event that strict with my religion. I have a good balance between deen and duniya. I am attractive, cute, smart, but i don't wear a hijab (iA, I may take up on in the future).
Women with bad past marry , women who are materialistic marry , women who are prostitutes marry , women who are porn actress marry .
I don't see why a good muslim woman have any slim chances .
Saying that this "era is different " or " I cannot find mr.right " or " there are no good guys any more " is a self-defeatist approach.
I disagree .... If ur not married yet that's simply ur fate wait till Allah chooses the best time for u....there are alot good guys out der just as there are alot good girls and it's so easy to marry u make it hard say a ugly poor guy comes to propose but he has a good heart wil u say yes?
Is this comment directed towards me ?
My dear. Final interpretation of Quranic laws lies with central authority of islamic State. Rasool was the first Central Authority to give interpretaion and By-Laws of Quran. He gave such By-Laws according to civilization, traditionsl, customs and psyche of people of his own time. When he passed away, this central authority automatically shifted to Caliph, who was considered to be the caretaker of Rasool or his Islamic State. So now every body was supposed to follow caliph after Rasool. So there was space for sects, school of Thaughts, or Imams. Caliph's duty was to give By-Laws with consultation in the light of basic laws of Quran.And every body's duty was to follow his orders in whole of Islamic State. the concept of Imams, molvis, theorocracy came when idea of Islamic State and his Central Authority vanished. System of Islam changed into just religion. Islam was System and constitution of Islamic State, but unfortunately it became just a composition of creeds, rituals, individual ethics. So do not get into problem with mazhab. it is our compulsion to follow what our forefathers were to follow, until Ismaic State again established.