Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He keeps throwing my past in my face

Muslim woman praying at the Blue Mosque in Turkey

"I have become more on my deen because I know that's the only thing that will be on my side when I die."

Question:

I recently got engaged to a man I have loved for a long time. We have known each other and talked before we got engaged.

we both knew each others past's and knew we needed to work on things. we both had long relationships with other people and a few other things in our pasts. he seemed to have a hard time dealing with my past because i had a relationship with one of his friends which i understand but he had one with my cousin..

But nevertheless we worked on things and were still very much in love. our intentions were pure in our relation while talking. we knew that we wanted to get married and after some time his parents asked and my parents kindly gave. our families were very good friends before so it was not an issue they loved him and they loved me.

We have had many issues in the past which caused us to stop talking and it all came back to my past that i was the only one who did haram. i was a foolish young girl and am disgusted with what i have done and repent to Allah countless times a day and started praying  a little over two yrs ago. i have become more on my deen because i know thats the only thing that will be on my side when i die.

But still after our engagement he kept throwing my past in my face that people had talking about me and that everyone knew my past and that he couldn't handle people talking about us. he said that i would embarrass his family if they heard anything about me. i have tried so hard to show him i am a better person, and that the girl i was is never coming back, but he has made his mind set.

Also he received an email from a fake address clamming that i am a bad girl and that they have proof and other obscene words. which i am almost 100% sure my cousin is behind it because he hates me. that was the final straw and now he wants to call off our engagement and wants me to do it. he said that he fought hard to ask for me and that i should break it off because thats the only thing that will make him happy.

i love him so much and i can't let him go. i say duahs to Allah praying for guidance and to help us though this but i think its too late.

Please help me i dont know what to do.

- Amal

Sister Z's Answer:

Dear Amal, Asalaamualaikum,

Its hurtful when someone you consider to be so dear keeps taunting you about your past. It feels like you are re-living the mistakes of your past over and over again and that no matter what you do, you will never be cleansed.

Its so confusing for you - he claims to love you, but he can't let go of the past. He says things to make you feel loved, but then every so often taunts you about the life before and each time it feels like a stab to the chest. You cry out each time that you have changed but he doesn't listen. If he would just let go, things would be so rosy between you both - or would they?

Amal - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

If this guy cannot let go of your past - this maybe due to his own insecurities or maybe, there are too many reminders of things because his friend was involved and theres too much overlap. Having said that, if he was a strong person - I mean really strong, he would understand that we are all human and make mistakes, sometimes terrible mistakes, but we can all improve our characters with effort and repentance. However, some men feel no compassion when it is most necessary, because they let their ugly egos get the better of them.

You have repented and the matter should be between only you and Allah - not him and not his family.

Amal - if this guy is feeling this way now - at least he is being honest about it. I know it must be hard for you to contemplate being without him - but if he wants to break the engagement, the choice is being taken out of your hands. You may decide to fight - but fight for what? A man who does not trust you and has no compassion for you?

A marriage with no Trust and Compassion has no foundation and will inevitably turn very ugly and break down.

It seems to me that Maybe Allah(swt) is looking out for you and saving you from entering a marriage which could become very messy.

Amal - you may already know all this but you do not want to admit to it. You may want to find a way to make him listen. All I will say now is - 'nature is taking its course' in this person wanting to break the engagement. Please try to find strength and sabr in Allah and allow this to happen. It seems to be for your best and if he wants to break the engagement - tell him to go ahead and tell your parents himself, why should you do his dirty work for him?

Allah has also blessed this earth with men who are not judgemental and are very compassionate maashAllah. When you meet one of those men, he will not make you feel cheap, low or terrible about your past. He will understand that your life experiences, as drastic as they may have been, made you the beautiful natured practising Muslimah that you are today.

Allah says is Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 216:

"But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. GOD knows while you do not know."

We do not always know why Allah plans our lives the way He does. But we as humans will always speculate.

So maybe, He(swt) has put you through this in order to test your level of faith - do you turn to Him when experiencing so much pain or do you fall weak?

Remember, our deeds should be both 'correct(within Islamic boundaries) and sincere(for Allah's sake/for pure reasons)' in order for us to be able to present to Allah. And maybe you have made mistakes; so this pain you are going through now will be an expiation for your sins.

Whatever the reason is - Allah knows best. Allah(swt) is testing you and by doing so He is giving you another chance to prove your eemaan to Him. Allah(swt) tests those He loves - so take comfort in knowing this.

Trust in Allah my dear sister - and let nature take its course.

Sister Z
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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102 Responses »

  1. Dear Amal, Asalaamualaikum,

    Its hurtful when someone you consider to be so dear keeps taunting you about your past. It feels like you are re-living the mistakes of your past over and over again and that no matter what you do, you will never be cleansed.

    Its so confusing for you - he claims to love you, but he can't let go of the past. He says things to make you feel loved, but then every so often taunts you about the life before and each time it feels like a stab to the chest. You cry out each time that you have changed but he doesn't listen. If he would just let go, things would be so rosy between you both - or would they?

    Amal - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

    If this guy cannot let go of your past - this maybe due to his own insecurities or maybe, there are too many reminders of things because his friend was involved and theres too much overlap. Having said that, if he was a strong person - I mean really strong, he would understand that we are all human and make mistakes, sometimes terrible mistakes, but we can all improve our characters with effort and repentance. However, some men feel no Compassion when it is most necessary, because they let their ugly egos get the better of them.

    You have repented and the matter should be between only you and Allah - not him and not his family.

    Amal - if this guy is feeling this way now - at least he is being honest about it. I know it must be hard for you to contemplate being without him - but if he wants to break the engagement, the choice is being taken out of your hands. You may decide to fight - but fight for what? A man who does not trust you and has no compassion for you?

    A marriage with no Trust and Compassion has no foundation and will inevitably turn very ugly and break down.

    It seems to me that Maybe Allah(swt) is looking out for you and saving you from entering a marriage which could become very messy.

    Amal - you may already know all this but you do not want to admit to it. You may want to find a way to make him listen. All I will say now is - 'nature is taking its course' in this person wanting to break the engagement. Please try to find strength and sabr in Allah and allow this to happen. It seems to be for your best and if he wants to break the engagement - tell him to go ahead and tell your parents himself, why should you do his dirty work for him?

    Allah has also blessed this earth with men who are not judgemental and are very compassionate maashAllah. When you meet one of those men, he will not make you feel cheap, low or terrible about your past. He will understand that your life experiences, as drastic as they may have been, made you the beautiful natured practising Muslimah that you are today.

    Allah says is Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 216:

    "But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. GOD knows while you do not know."

    We do not always know why Allah plans our lives the way He does. But we as humans will always speculate.

    So maybe, He(swt) has put you through this in order to test your level of faith - do you turn to Him when experiencing so much pain or do you fall weak?

    Remember, our deeds should be both 'correct(within Islamic boundaries) and sincere(for Allah's sake/for pure reasons)' in order for us to be able to present to Allah. And maybe you have made mistakes; so this pain you are going through now will be an expiation for your sins.

    Whatever the reason is - Allah knows best. Allah(swt) is testing you and by doing so He is giving you another chance to prove your eemaan to Him. Allah(swt) tests those He loves - so take comfort in knowing this.

    Trust in Allah my dear sister - and let nature take its course.

    Sister Z
    x

  2. Dear Amal, As-salamu alaykum,

    I agree 100% with Sister Z. I know this is easy to say and hard to do, but you should break off your relationship with this man and find someone else, Insha'Allah.

    He has already given you the answer. He told you that he cannot handle your past. Believe him, and let him go.

    Some men are extremely jealous, and cannot stand the thought that the woman they love has ever been with another man, especially if it was done sinfully. This guy is one of them. Even though you have repented, his jealousy will never let him accept you. That's not going to change, no matter how much time passes.

    I believe that his love for you is genuine, but he will never leave you in peace because of your past. Who wants to live with that kind of emotional harassment?

    I would suggest that you open your mind to the possibility of marrying a convert. Because many of them have come from a jahiliyy (ignorant of Islam) lifestyle and have accepted Islam and purified their souls, they tend not to care about something you have done in the past that is no longer a part of your character.

    • Wael, jazakAllah for adding that, especially about the jealousy.

      Its so very true, I have seen that usually jealousy does not leave with time.

      It goes only with understanding/hikmah/experience - and only Allah(swt) knows if one will aquire either of those.

      I agree, this guy probably does love Amal, but his 'love' can only go so far. Its due to weak character.

      It takes a man of strong eemaan to be as you described: 'they tend not to care about something you have done in the past that is no longer a part of your character.' But Alhumdulillah - they do exist.

      May Allah protect and guide us inshaAllah

  3. Assalamualaikum,

    Brother Wael have a point in saying that marry a convert....it doesn't mean that start hunting for only converts... but ALhamdullillah, we converts was with the very bad past and when we knew Islam,,there is no loooking back,,,not in anyway...

    I also have bad past...should i say...worst...that became also the problem why my husband never told his parents about our marriage.....

    but what is just coming to my mind....I am different now..I don't know and I don;t care what all the people may say...as long as Allah knows what's inside my mind and my heart.....we are not created to please other peple...we are created to praise Allah...and we are living for Allah to know where we are going..it's our choice..we may lose the one we dearly love...but our faith will lead us to where we will go in the hereafter...

    Let go sister Amal...it is difficult...but if you choose the right way of letting go...you will never go astray.

    ma salam

    (Sister Z, please kindly remind us of the story of the guy who was a sinner and killed a lot of people in his life,,,and when he want to know the truth, he died... i just heard it from my teacher and i am not sure.)

    • Asalaamualaikum Sister Fatima,

      I think maybe you are talking about the same story that Br Wael reminded me of a short while ago.

      Our Prophet (s.a.w) said that from amongst the men of Bani Israel there was a man who had murdered 99 persons. Then he set out asking whether his repentance could be accepted or not. He came upon a monk and asked him if his repentance could be accepted. The monk replied in the negative and so the man killed him. He kept asking till a scholar said yes but advised him to go to another land where the people were devoted to prayer and worship. So he left for that land but death overtook him on the way. While dying he turned his chest towards that village and so the angels of mercy and the angels of punishment quarrelled amongst themselves regarding him. Allah ordered the village towards which he was going to come closer to him and ordered the village which he left to go far away, and then He ordered the angels to measure the distances between his body and the two villages. When he was found to be one span closer to the village he was going to, he was forgiven [Bukhari & Muslim]. Note that this story illustrates that:

      a) Allah forgave the man, even though he had killed 100 people, because he had sincere repentance.

      b) To change your ways you must remove yourself from the source of evil and surround yourself with good practising Muslims

      Taken from: http://www.jannah.org/articles/dorm.html

  4. Assalamualaikum,

    Jazakallahukhayr...

    As per my own opinion...eventhough we haave sinned the most...Allah will knocked in our heart for some soul-searching...its happening... we must think why..how...then we will begin what to do...as i heard with Brother Yousef Estez when he visit Dubai recently...it is of the following:

    C - Choice...We all have a choice in evrything..and ou life depends on that choice we made.
    A - Acceptance... wether it would be good for us..or it would be the other way around.
    R - Reality...life is a reality...dreaming sometimes lead us to fairy tales which never exist..Its not always .... And they live happily ever after.
    E - Excellence ... if we choose the right path..all our decisions will be right.

    ALLAH CARES ..but it matters MOST how we care for him... true is Sister Z when she mentioned... are we turning to Allah if we are experiencing troubles in our life.... or to our family and friends...and when we found out that what they suggest will not be accepteable to our own feelings,,,then we will turn into begging for Allah...

    We must think that above all... Let Allah be the first and always on our list... for he will never lead us to destruction...

    Sister Amal, as per my own experience,,when im grieving,,,im reading quran...the more i read,,the more i will cry...because it will always say,,,sabr...don't let this world be your permanent residence...whatever sufferings we are having will be replaced with a bountiful llife in the hereafter Inshaallah...ITS A MATTER OF CHOICE...

    masalam

  5. Salaam dear sister, he is not letting go of things that cannot be changed. It is one thing to get upset about the here and now and be angry with your wife about it, and a totally different thing to be angry and upset about things past and unchangeable.

    Many immature people use below the belt comments and tactics to hurt the other when fighting - arguing to cause pain rather than to solve a problem. There are many girls and guys out there who had a bad past , turned themselves around and yet enjoy loving and healthy relationships today.

    Dont take what he says on board, he is the one with the problem not you - and you cant fix him. YOu can only begin to make him responsible for his own words, and by that I mean each time he throws it in your face ask him - "what do you want us to do?" and ask him for a solution and push him for a solution. He needs to be in charge of his own thought process and he needs to be aware that words have consequences, often more so than actions.

    It may be that you seperate for a short time, however in my experience, this doesnt often happen. I believe males would do anything to avoid divorce. They would rather live in misery for 10 years than divorce, with the exception of having another woman to run to. So really you have time and potential to grow this man up and make him an adult.

    Go for it, what have you got to lose?

    Peace,
    Leyla

  6. Dear Amal.

    I am you 5 years later. Only I never told my husband (we have a 3 year old) I begged every day for Allah to hide my sins in dunya & akhira. I was told never to reveal your past sins that you have repented for. However a "dear cousin" knew things she shouldn't have (I never spoke of my sins so I guess my X open his dirty mouth disgusting:!!) and out of what passion I really don't know but she told my husband true and untrue things. But really intimate details that even I would never speak of with anyone (even if it wasnt my story). He said nothing for years because he wasnt sure that she spoke the truth.. but 2 yrs ago everything broke. He told me that he know of my past that I wasnt a virgin (i had concealed it by saying that i have done alot of sports in my youth) and he knew everything about my sins. Ever since it's been hell and he has acting as I have cheated on him. In my mind everything that is in the past is my business and especially when I have repented from it and it keeps me awake at night.. even without his comments and hate. I allready hated myself for my sins .. now I have to deal with him hating me aswell. I dont have the courage to speak my truth and explain to him that what I did before I married him is between me and Allah (and maybe my parents) and I should be concentrating on making peace with Allah and hope for his mercy. I have done everything to be the best wife I possibly can.. beyond possible. But I cant change the past and what I did in the past dont define me today. Anyways this isnt about me.. this is about you. You have the possibility to avoid living this way. You have a choice.. you're not even married yet. Dont do it. Yes you're in love.. but you will fall out of love and in in love again. I promise you. This is about your health.. cause my situation is getting my health.. my spirit and all of me.

    My dearest sister I'll make dua for you because I dont wish anyone to be in a relationship like i'm in not even that evil cousin of mine (May God guide her).
    Make dua for me please.. because i'm at a point where i am dreaming of divorce.. to have a peace of mind.. but my son loves his dad and his dad loves him.. they have so much fun.. i dont want my son to pay for my sins.. what to do what to do..
    Love xo xo Deena

  7. Salaam,

    My wife also has a past that she shared with me few weeks ago, since then I am working on myself but I cannot stop myself from taunting her, from reminding her that i am a chaste person and she is unchaste. I have been praying, fasting, and begging Allah SWT to help me and let me accept her past and move on because she has repented. But the thought of she was touched by a nasty person hurts me and bring tears in my eyes.

    My wife is trying her best by listening to what I say and then I realize that I am not right by taunting her but then next day I am saying things back again. I am very scared from myself and don't know what to do because I am already praying all the time.

    Now sisters you can imagine what this pain is even though it's your past but it hurts a true loving husband who waited for you to come in life with chastity not with past of some evil touching you. Please always think before going for zina what are the consequences of this sin, you will be hurting your future husband the most.

    • Assalamu'alaikum Brother Akbar,

      My first questions to you are this. Is your wife a revert or was she born Muslim but not raised in a very Islamic home environment?

      I ask these questions because for those of us who come from either of the two examples above, most of us do have a past. We were part of the dunya until Allah(swt) guided us to Islam or for those who were born Muslim but did not practice were somehow guided to the correct path again.

      What you should think about is how did you feel about your wife before she disclosed her past? Was she a good Muslim before she told you about her past and is she still a good Muslim now. Remember, when one takes Shahada, Allah(swt) forgives all of our sins. When one makes toubah Allah forgives us also.

      Brother Akbar, some of the best Muslims I know have a past. They did thing's in the dunya that they are not proud of , including myself, but we have asked Allah(swt) for forgiveness.

      What I will tell you is continue loving your wife and lead your family as a good strong Muslim man. Follow the way of prophet Muhammad(PBUH) and be the best of husbands. Stop taunting your wife about her past, remember she didn't have to tell you. Ask Allah(swt) for strength and move on together as a strong Muslim family. Don't look at the past, look at her character now and how Allah has guided her to the right path of Islam.

      Your Brother in Islam

      Abdul Wali
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaamualaykum Akbar,

      I agree with Br Abdul Wali.

      I also want to add that if it hurts you so much to know that your 'wife was touched by a nasty person' as you put it; then know that your taunts and lack of understanding are probably hurting her just as much.

      Alhumdulillah, that you managed to remain chaste, however it would be better if your chastity did not cause you to become arrogant through your mocking her about her past.

      Remember, some of the Sahaaba had pasts; they ended up being the closest companions and helpers of The Prophet(saw).

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

  8. As long as your spouse is a good Muslim and will remain faithful to you, you should at least be grateful for that.
    Living in the past is inviting the shaytaan to torment you. If you persist in taunting your wife and torturing yourself, expect your marriage to crumble.

  9. Salaam,

    It has been few months since my last post. Alhumdulillah, I am still with my wife and now I have almost stopped saying bad words to her. I don't have the same feelings what I used to have for her before she revealed the past and also I don't have that much respect for her, however I am trying my best to play my role as a good husband. If I talk about herself then she is a good wife that I was always looking for. If she didn't have this kind of past then I could call her an ideal wife.
    I am still going through the pain but I believe in
    World is not a place of heartly affiliations
    This is a place of heed, it is not a jest…
    I have to live my life, I am trying to be a better person because there is nothing in this life except to go through test after test

    Thanks to all brothers and sisters for their advices

    • My husband is in your position. And it gets me so mad, so mad. He keeps everynow and then reminding me of the past. Even before I met him I've seeked for Allahs forgiveness and Rahma.

      Yet he keeps bringing me back to a period in my life that I've tried to forget. I can't move forward.
      He's a good man but he thinks that I should be greatful that he stayed with me. I'm a pretty strong lady and I know that I could make it alone. But I chose to stay with him for the sake of Allah and my son.

      I know what I did was / is wrong. I know the punishement. I know I'm aware of the chance that God maybe will Not forgive me however i believe in his mercy. And I prefer thinking that Allah will give me mercy. I must live with that hope. But what my husband doesn't know was that I was molested as a child around 6 and 7 by the teacher that taught me arabic after school. Since I have had a lack of confidence and it ruined all kind of relationship I would have outside my family with friends, co workers.
      What happend to me is a part of that and it changed who I am I know it. Because I had blocked it out for 25 years! Blanked out of my mind. And my husband doesn't know this and noone does and i could never tell him.

      So why am I sharing > You don't know what made your wife make these choices. You dont only God does. And only God should judge us. How can you not respect your wife? You have to see how she is Today , since you married you.
      You can't keep her stuck in the past. It's not fair. If I didn't have a child I would ask my husband to let me go.

      • As salamu alaykum, Deena,

        Please ask Allah(swt) to ease you the path to forgive that teacher, your husband, yourself and all of those who were supposed to take care of you and avoid that terrible situation you went through as a little girl.

        May Allah(swt)ease you the Path to Forgiveness.

        Thank you very much for sharing.

        All my unconditional Love and Respect,

        María

    • As salam alaykum, akbar qamar,

      Your choices in life gives me Hope. Thank you very much for sharing.

      Jazak Allahu Khairan.

      All my unconditional Respect,

      María

  10. Wa-alykum asalaam wa rehmat ullah Sisters,

    Sister Deena, I can understand your pain what you are going through but at the same time I can also understand your husband's pain what he is going through because I am going through the same pain. You were little at your age, so your husband should understand your situation and he should forgive you on that basis instead of keep taunting about that.

    My case is little different since

    My wife is a born muslim and she committed zina in her 20s because of bad influence of friends. and she continued this for number of years.

    Is it easy for me to let it go and move on in life. No, it has been another month and day and night the filthy thoughts are going in my mind about her filthy act which lasted for years...

    What's my fault? why in this world I have to go through this pain? I prayed all my life for a chaste/religious wife and what I got., where should I go to show my wounds... I have to live with this

    So, I am just trying my best to accept her and move on in life not because I am any better than her but because I know at least in this life t here is no solution to this situation except for accepting her by killing my nafs. I don't care if I get reward or not because I have already said too many things to her but I am going to try my best to just kill my desires, believes, thoughts, and etc to cope up with this marriage.

    Life is pathetic and it sucks :)....

    • As salamu alaykum akbar Kamar,

      You sound much better, for sure, that smile helps.

      If you alloud me a question, what do you mean when you say "...just kill my desires, believes, thoughts,.."? I just don´t understand it.

      My Unconditional Respect,

      María

      • Wa-alykum asalaam,

        i used to believe that the girl with whom I am going to get married is going to be chaste like me, who was created only for me just like i was created for her. Allah won't bring any unchaste girl in my life because of my chastity and my perspective was "all fornicators are for each other, and the marriage won't be valid if married to a chaste person".
        I hope that answers your question

        • As salamu alaykum akbar kamar,

          Thank you very much for answering my question, I really appreciate it.

          You made this questions:
          "What's my fault? why in this world I have to go through this pain? ........., where should I go to show my wounds......" May Allah(swt) ease you the Path of Understanding to answer all these questions, insha´Allah.

          You make a difference in my life choosing to be your best despite all the obstacles that you have found in your Path, Alhamdulillah.

          All my Unconditional Respect,

          María

  11. Akbar Qamar,
    Did you know about her past before you decided to marry her? If you have already accepted her before, then it shouldn't bother you so much now.

  12. Of course, I didn't know about her past before marriage that's why I felt deceived. If she should have told me about it then at least i had the option and most likely i wouldn't marry her with that option :).
    It is hard for me to give respect to those people who don't think about others and just want to enjoy their lives.

    • Dear Brother,

      I guess i didnt explain well. Yes I was abused as I child, but I also did zina in my 20s (God It's so hard to write and admit). But i mentioned my abuse ; because the trauma had the effect on my persona. my selfesteem, my beeing. Now I'm not blaming it, i take responsability, but it had alot to do with it.

      Me as your wife didn't tell my husband bcause in deen you're supposed to NOT tell your sins that you have repented from sincerely. Someone (i dont know how she knew) told my husband and I had repented I still repent everyday. So normaly you should not see her as a sinner If she has repented.

      "Except those who repent, have faith and good deeds, those Allah will charge their sins for good deeds. Certainly Allah is most forgiving and merciful."

      Verily good deeds erase evil deeds. this is a reminder for those who remember (their Lord)"
      (Qur'an 11:114)

      What I had learned was NEVER to tell you sins from the past to anyone, ever. That it's between me and Allah.

      I understand also that you're disappointed that you were chaste while she wasnt.
      But it seems like it's the only quality that you're looking for in a wife? So you marry a chaste woman but then it turns out that she is not that chaste during the marriage? I mean Allah created the human to sin. No human dies without sinning. Allah loves our tawba. Now this ofcourse doesn't mean that we shouldnt strive to be sinfree.

      I see this way> I know for sure that since the day I married my husband; I changed my life 100%. I changed my friends everything. I treat him well. And chaste or not chaste before mariage I just have to concentrate on NOW. Yes i did a big big big sin. But I have to move forward in becoming a better muslim, person, wife and mother so that Allah Inchallah will accept my repentence. If I think of my evil deed everyday I might aswell check in a mental hospital.

      If you continue to punish your wife for a stupid choice she did BEFORE she met you, and she has repented, & treats you well, is kind, honest etc. then I really dont think that you are any better. Sorry to be so harsh. But It really isnt fair at all that you punish her when it's supposed to be God that punishes her.
      Let her deal with her past with GOD. And judge her by the way you knew her and by the way she has been since you married her.

      Now you are senticing her to life in prison. and yourself.
      Open your heart, trust God. We did something bad yes but we are doing our best to become better muslims why can't you just try to forget.

      My husband and I fight and then we also get back to normal. I try to ignore when he's that evil person that cant forgive me. I cry, i pray and the i cry alot more. But the next day I forget or try to forget.
      We have made a promised to do hajj togheter very soon to maybe help us get out of this mess.
      Alhamdoullah. somedays we are doing GREAT somedays real BAD. But I think that sometimes we get hooked on dunya and forget akhira.

      If i was harsh, I'm sorry. I hope iNchallAh that you and your wife can find love and trust again.
      You're a good man to stay with her. If you're hurting as much as you say you are maybe you should seek help. Maybe a schoolar or something.
      Allah maekum

      • Sister Deena,

        I appreciate you for taking out some time to help me go through this trauma in my life.

        No, I am not hurting my wife that much but still sometimes I say something to her. How in the world she could be doing that.... and then deceiving me by hiding this from me, she should have told me all this before marriage or perhaps look for some other fornicator who might have repented.

        You said, I am also not a good person by having these filthy thoughts but then my question is who brought these thoughts into my mind. Did I get marry to hurt my wife like this, NO, I got married to have a peaceful loving life, where we both can give each other love and respect. But guess what she chose this kind of life by giving herself to filthy man and what's left for me NOTHING.

        About her committing sin, well I know that's between her and Allah.

        But what about my rights she had no rights to give those away to somebody else and since she did, so I believe she shouldn't complain even if I say anything to her... who gave her the rights to punish me... why the heck she didn't think about her husband and thought that evil was going to get married... I didn't ask her to give all that away that's her choice

        I still want to give her true respect and love but then for that I will have to look for a 2nd wife to satisfy my needs, feelings and desires BUT I am sacrificing myself from doing that.

        I apologize if I have said anything bad on the forum

        • Aoa brother
          After looking at ur story? Iam just thinking that men will still blame the woman for everything. Alhamdulillah I was always a virgin but I had a little physical like kissing n stuff with my ex. Iam still very very resentful of that . Whenever I think about it, it makes me very sad,depressed and reminds me of the pat that I want to forget. The thing with my husband is that when he met me he was my classfellow I'm school, he himself proposed me knowing about my past, as he was a friend n I used to share with him. Knowing each n everything, he himself proposed me, Infact he said to me that I'm not one of those low life ppl who taunt ppl of their past. We got married, it's been 9 years, I have a 7 yr old daughter and till date he fights with me on petty things, and in every fight it always comes to my character. When he's abusing me I tell him to fear Allah of the words he uses for me like bitch etc and the answer is always oh shut up don't give me moral lectures I even doubt if ur a virgin.
          Brother as I said u felt deceived by ur wife not telling u the truth before, it doesn't make a difference, my husband to whom I told everything clearly and knowing everything he approached me, still he doubts me! And keeps reminding me that u don't have a character n who knows wht you've been doing. Just tell me what good did I get by being truthful? ppl always used to tell me never tell ur past to ur husband to be but I always had the perspective that one should be honest when starting a relationship but still if ur being doubted for things u haven't done then what good is the truth?
          He doesn't even think tht all tht he's saying to is his child's mother. When I say u do t respect me he says if ur deeds were respectful in past I would respect u . After marriage I don't even talk to any male fellows and am a righteous person who prays and gives time to child n kitchen still he's always irritated by me he would start argument n screaming on little things. I just feel why he proposed me in first place ?id he had doubts he shouldn't have married as I already told him the truth but still if he didn't trust he shouldn't marry. Now I feel so miserable and depressed when in every other argument he does character assasination.

          • He is being a jerk husband. That’s not love. He enjoys hurting you by calling you a bitch. Get families involved. Stand up for yourself.

  13. She has corrupted my thoughts, and believe. I am not taking any revenge and taking care of her as I wanted to take care of my wife but....

  14. "so I believe she shouldn't complain even if I say anything to her.......I still want to give her true respect and love but then for that I will have to look for a 2nd wife to satisfy my needs, feelings and desires BUT I am sacrificing myself from doing that"

    You are hurting your wife Akbar. Are you being a good husband in the eyes of Allah? Why don't you be a good man and find ways to accept her for who she is right now, instead of saying that you have every right to disrespect her. How could you say you want a 2nd wife because what your wife did in the past which she repented to Allah already. How do you know your second wife will be a good person after marriage. If virginity is so important to you why didn't you think to ask her before marriage.

  15. Tammy whatever I said up there, all that was in anger but in reality.... neither i am hurting my wife nor i am going for a 2nd wife. I am taking care of her and giving her the love and respect that she wants. and i have also stopped saying things to her some time ago. i dont have any other option except for forcing myself to do this to maintain the healthy relationship.

    but it is also a fact that my wife punished me with this reality and i have to live with this pain. i go through this pain 24/7, just control this in front of my wife, so i won't hurt her.

    if i talk about myself then i don't like MY LIFE :).

    • It really really bugs me when a male cant let go of a females past. Mistakes happen. And really its not upto u akbar to be judge and jury. You could hav a way worse woman who lied on every front and was a virgin but horrid in character. The only reason id be bothered if i was u is if my wife has feelings for this past person now. If not u seriously need to get over it. Im sorry to be blunt but stop thinkin bout what u deserve or wat u shud have got. Thats upto allah so deal with it. Shes not cheating on u is she? So be big enough to accept her apologies n stop poisining ur mind. N if its so bad let her go. Cz i for sure wdnt want my husband to be silently suffering in a pretence all his life, harbouring bad feeling. And akbar i urge u to look around at others marital problems n think urself lucky u may not have sum of those. Move on n stop feelin sorry for urself.

      • Again i am very sorry to be harsh but i hav to stress if she has repented and is living her life for u now its not fair how you are thinking. That is the overiding issue to which i hav answered. It must hv been hard to find out but in the grand scheme of things u need to overlook her past which im sorry u cant change.

        • What do you think, I don't want to get over her past? Everyday and night I want to run away from it but it has stuck in my mind and eating me inside like a termite.
          I believe I am doing the wrong thing by discussing about my suffering like this on the internet because only a person who is going through this pain and suffering silently can understand this whether that person is a man or woman. Rest can only either show their sympathy or can just say things bluntly because they don't know how it feels.
          Thanks for all of your advises.

          • Dear Brother,

            I think its great that you are talking about it. Talking is healing. And here nobody knows you so you are safe and so is your wife.
            Because discussing openly about your sins is Haram.

            I agree with Aliya25 > It bugs me that my husband (just like you) are stuck with my past.
            Why is virginity so important to you? Is it because God talks about the importance of beeing chaste, is it the muslim in you? or is it your Ego?
            And what I dont understand in you case if you dont have any kids with her then why are you staying with her? To suffer togheter. Divorcing is not an option in most case, but I swear to God if I dont had my kid and I love and adore my hubby. I would beg him to let me go. Let him go find happiness with a virgin. Because the only thing I lacked from was just that. I'm kind, honest, greatful, respectful with his parents, with him. I have taken care of him for 6 years and what it all comes down to what did you do 10 yrs ago, before I even knew he existed.
            And I guess If I was a virgin when we married, but then was a real bitch, lying, sneaking behind his back and not caring for him at all I would be worth more.

            Brother, I understand that this is hard. But it's shaytant that is playing with your mind. If you strive to be a muslim you have to see this the islamic way. What happend before you were married has nothing to do with you. And having a wife that is virgin is not a reward in dunya. Having a loving wife is. Honestly you have stop obessesing with this. You are playing the victime.Stop that, unless your strive is to be unhappy.

            And as i told you before If you can't get over let the sister go! Let her Go!! If you refuse to be happy and can't get over this victim status. Oh ppooor me poor me i was a good boy and this is what i Got then get a divorce. Your wife maybe the best thing in your life but you're sooo blindsided that you cant realise it. She may be a gift from Allah subhano but you're stuck on one detail that you're letting it slip.

            Are you expecting her to be perfect? No. Good because nobody is. So is it the sin itself that you can't except?
            I also tell my husband atleast my sin I did it to myself. I didnt hurt anyone, i didnt harm anyone, I didnt ruin anything for anyone. What I did i hurt myself.
            You have no right to hurt for my sins. I own my sins.
            Brother GET OVER IT. Start living your life.
            If you do get over it I am convinced that Allah will be sooo pleased with you. I promis you that. And you can be happy; just convince yourself.
            Take her out to eat, go on a trip. Lie to urself at first. I am happy,; i am happy, visualise it and then you will be happy.

            When those images come to mind seek refuge in Allah. Aodobillah meen shaytannii rajzeeemmm. over and over and over.
            God never puts you through more than you can handle.

            But keept his in mind you deserve to be happy, but so does your wife.

            Ok brother i am sorry once again if i'm beeing harsh.
            But this is sooo personal. Its my life too.
            But i am urging you to let this go.
            This is how I'd like to adress my husband but I cant I dont have the strenght.

            We have our ups and downs. Now we're doing good. But next week maybe not.
            And we have a child and he deservs his parents to be with him so I put my trust in Allah and I am happy. Alhamdoullah because my husband is a good man. He takes care of me, never has laid his hand on me, he works, he listens. What more can I ask for?

            Take care

          • As Salaam U Alaikum,

            There is a verse in the Quran which says, the Fornicators are for the Fornicators and the Pure are for the Pure.

            The fornicator shall not marry any but a fornicatress or idolatress, and (as for) the fornicatress, none shall marry her but a fornicator or an idolater; and it is forbidden to the believers." Sura of The Light. Verse 3

            Could it be that this verse was revealed for the very reasons we are reading about in this question? I think any man who cannot clear his wife's history (if he finds out about it) should divorce her. Rather than being bitter and evil towards her, just divorce her and let her go on in peace.

            I know many of you think Akbar and the OP's husband should forget their history and move on. But do you know how a man feels when he's led a clean life all his life to end up with someone who's not a virgin? In this case any of these can much around to and repent later.

            The solution to this problem is pretty simple, marry the unchaste women to unchaste men, it would save so much headache.

            So my advice to you brother Akbar, divorce your current wife, it's been months and it's still tearing you apart, you'll be at peace if you let her go. Then decide what you think would be justice, marrying a fellow divorcee perhaps?

  16. Sister,

    Divorce is not an option otherwise I would have already divorced her as soon as I found out about it regardless of how nice she is to me. I am not the one who takes advantage of stupid girls and then leave those alone because they deserve that. I am a committed and a devoted person who respected other girls because they strive hard to be respected. I myself strive hard to be respected. I have always refrain from bad as much as possible, of course I am not perfect I might have done other kinds of sins from which some I know and some could be hidden which only Allah knows.

    I loved my wife a lot because I thought she is my wife of course finding out that she used to be somebody else's wife and she hid that is shocking. It is just like i go out and marry right and left and don't worry about my wife. Prophet Mohammed PBUH asked Sahaba to marry virgin why? So it is not about virginity it is about what we have learned in Islam. It is about the rights.

    You said what if I ended up marrying a bad girl who might be a viring. You could have also think what if I might be ended up with a girl who is as good as my wife and also virgin. Also if I take it the other way, I was a virgin but that didn't give me the license to go out and do the wrong things. So why look at this from the negative perspective, why not look at it with the positive.

    Don't worry I am not bad with my wife as you are perceiving from my post. I am striving hard to become a good husband for her and give her all the rights even though I know she couldn't give me all the rights that I should have gotten from her. I just have to sacrifice myself here in this world for the akhirah, I am working towards that goal :).

    Why am I hurt? come on what kind of a question is this? and also before enjoying her life she should have thought would she accept a person to be her husband who might have gone through all that in past. If she really loves me then she should be after me for my happiness to get me a 2nd wife whether I want it or not. Is she sacrificing herself for that? No, that's called selfishness 🙂

    • Deena asked you why being a virgin is soo important! Obviously you can see people like her dont give value to being chaste clean, staying a virgin till after marraige..no wounder they give it away soo easily! Makes me sick.

      • Salaam sister muslima,

        Its sad and you dont see it, Deena was merely saying it shouldnt be the only thing on a mans mind. I bet there are a lot of things that make you sick and dont worry about other women and their virginities you worry about yourself and if you are chaste than good for you but being chaste does not only mean being a virgin, many things stems from the word, being a good non-judgemental muslim included.

        Salaam sister may Allah forgive you for your ignorance and rude behaviour

      • Muslimgirl, u Know what makes me sick? Ppl that
        Judge people! That believe that they r without sin, that
        Believe Jannah is awaiting u, that are mean, that
        Have no mercy on their fellow muslims, that say words
        That hurt, that dont forgive! My sins are between
        Me and my Creator! I repent to Him so your sickness have
        No meaning!
        May Allah soften ur heart! Salam alaikum

      • I am just replying to all these comments. I came online to look for help, because I am going through the same thing. My husband says hes religious and prays, and during our engagement revealed that he slept with girls for years, traveled vacations with them and he even once called me his exes name when she was having a baby. What makes it worse in this day and age is I found out that he took her on all these lavish trips on social media. He would display pictures of them kissing and write things that are honestly not for the world to see.

        He never took these things down even during our engagement until I told him it bothered me. As a man of God, why make your wife suffer by leaving images up. I remained chaste for my whole life, and yes people make mistakes but if you keep making it over and over is it really a mistake. You are not a child in your 20's and know right from wrong. You can work hard and put your head down and study to become a better person or work hard or have fun. But there are consequences to premarital sex. ESPECIALLY, if you marry a virgin. You will not understand the pain someone who wants to share their body and learn with a person, unless you have been through it. Akbar, I have images everyday in my head of things I shouldn't think of. You are not alone. Yes, we have made mistakes, but honestly I havent made a mistake to hurt my husband. He did. He didnt think of what real sancitity is for a few misnutes of pleasure over and over again. Its not ok, man or woman. I have come to relaize though, through depression and losing so much health that the only solution is to change the way we think. If you dont, the only other way is divorce to free your mind of negative thoughts. There is a reason that god told us not to drink, not to kill, not have sex- especially zina because it affects other people not just yourself. you create bonds that are not real, they damage you and your thinking in the end.

        I make comments all the time about his past, and I know I am wrong, I do not recognize myself anymore. Yet, its the sin of premarital sex that really does take a course. People have to understand that. No matter what you do for the rest of your life you will be grateful for your spouse and try to love them, but something will be missing. It is undeniable. You have a right to your husband and a husband has a right to you, if they did that before marriage they carry others in with their mind, especially if they were a practicing muslim. My husband told me he would pray then go do these sins. How can I understand this. I am very young too, so i dont understand why I feel this way, especially when everyone around me are having sexual relations. I believe fornicators are for fornicators, because they understand what they did and wont judge. But the person who had past relations must work harder for their spouses love, because they id things that came in the way of their relationship now.

        All I say is God give us strength to frogive and forget. You can forgive, it is what a good muslim does, but as a human is it that hard to forget? the pain cuts like a knife. None of us are saints and we have emotions. It is not wrong to have them. Yet ,do not hurt your wife/husband if they made mistakes. This may be the hardest test in life, but I hope I can be happy again.

  17. I just want to apologize for being aggressive in my previous post. I am just going through waves of emotions which sometimes drive me to insanity.

    • I actually dont understand ur sitiation because you first implied she had a past and i thowt maybe shed had a boyfriend or sumthing? But now u say she had a past marriage? So how did that fail? N how did she marry u? N ur saying she did not tell u of her previous marriage? I need to no these things before my comments can be correct.

      • And also was ur marriage arranged, are you two born in the same country??

        • i was talking about her illegal marriage (zina). the beauty of zina is that you are married without nikah
          our marriage was arranged
          yes we both were born in the same country

  18. Dear Brothet,
    no harm taken. And at least ur takin out your anger in words and not on your wife. I think that it can be a kind of therapy; you can lash out here and maybe get it out of your system.

    I was thinking about what you said; that why couldn't had been that you'd married a nice and a woman without a past. And I see that you're a good man and I really think that you deserve that, I think that my husband deservs that. But you have to get that no one is perfect. I really don't think that you would have found a nice, virgin, wonderful wife without any flaws. I really don't. And I once read somewhere that when we start thinking maybe, what if, etc it's really shaytan.

    And Do you have a child with her?

    And why dont you want to get a divorce if you're unhappy? I know that divorce is not the best option, but it is an existant option and its not haram. And i really dont like divorces but sometimes it could really help.

    • i still don't believe that i wouldn't be able to find a better wife than her. if she could find a husband like me then i could have also found a wife better than her.

      Same thing goes with you, in my opinion you shouldn't look at his anger or taunt, just try to look at that with this way if you would be ok if he is nice with you but go for a 2nd wife.

      She has repented and trying to live a better life, not only that but she is just like you taking care of me in a good way. and then there is no guarantee now that i will find a wife with all the attributes because i am a married man now not a bachelor. so i have no option but to accept her with that. it is not easy to take her past out of my mind, so i have to deal with it.

      This pain is from Allah, so I believe there might be some sort of good for me in it that either I don't know or I don't want to see.

      • Brother,

        there is noway my husband is getting a second wife.

        It's like you're punishing your wife, and really your not intitled to punish her.

        you're against divorcing her, so you're suffering and your letting her suffer.

        Its all very unislamic.

        And you're being a bit arrogant, because you're really saying that she she has made a mistake and repented (and that is what asks us to do) yet you wont accept that even tough many hadiths and ayas say it over and over again. One that has sinned and then repented is like one that hasnt sinned. Yet you a human (yourself) created by God can't find it in yourself to either accept, forgive & forget or let her go. I just dont get it, you keep on saying that you're a good man, a good muslim. And i'm sure you are, but your actions arent. And this situation you're in has maken you arrogant and not so nice. So why hang on to something that isn't workin for either of you.

        Is it a cultural thing? I mean are you thinking what ppl might think about you? If so, that is just shaytan.

      • Assamu-Alekum,

        Brother, I think I cannot even imagine how difficult this situation is for you. And perhaps you are thinking why this has happened to me. I am sure my words are not even enough to console you but perhaps this hadith can help you:

        Prophet Muhammad s.a.w (peace be upon him) said: “He, who relieves a hardship of this Dunia (world) for a believer, Allah will relieve (from him) a hardship of the Day of Resurrection; he who makes easy an indebted person, Allah will make it easy for him in the Dunia and the Hereafter; he who covers a Muslim (meaning his mistakes and shortcomings), Allah will cover him in the Dunia and the Hereafter …” [Sahih Muslim]

        We are all sinners, and none of us want to have their sins be publicized. Perhaps this is something which Allah has put you through to cover your sins and give you higher rewards in aakhira. I am just saying that perhaps there are bigger rewards for you in aakhira if you keep her cover. I also think keeping the cover also means not to punish someone or remind someone. because God forbid, while reminding her of her sins somebody else listens than you have not kept her cover. As you cannot guarantee who else is listening to you. [ Look at the technology around us]

        Also, I think your wife telling this to you, is something which shows how much she trusts you
        and how much she loves you, that she is ready to share her every secret with you.[I am hoping she didn't flaunt it or something instead she entrusted you with her secret].
        When something bad happens to me in this duniya, I try to remind myself that there people in this world who are in the worse condition than I am and its Really Really difficult. In your case you might have a wife who does not love you or keeps secrets from you, but brother she has put everything (i.e. her respect in your hands). And I think its upto you that you punish her for something which she has no control or help her get out of her problems by not reminding her and treating her well.

        Again, I cannot understand the amount of pain you are going through but I hope it can help bring two hearts together.

        May Allah help you in this difficult situation.
        regards,

      • Dear Brother,

        You are holding yourself prisoner and EVERYONE on here is telling you to let it go. You cant keep feeling sorry for yourself. Allah has rewarded you with a wonderful wife, she has a bad past, many of us do.... Instead you should be thanking Allah for who she is now and how great she is treating you as her husband and life partner.

        I get that your angry and upset that she lied and I think thats the root of the problem. She didnt give you the choice, but as you stated had she revealed her past to you you would not even consíder marrying her. Its sad, a man of strong faith would not think in such ways and be thankful he is leading a good life with a good woman and should be grateful she is not making his life miserable by not fulfilling her duties as a wife. To be completely honest, she didnt have much of a choice to be open with you since it was an arranged marriage, one can not trust everyone and from what i gather everything was peachy until all past broke out. In our religion one must not talk about past sins for the stay between (us) and Allah. In our culture women are forced to hide things in order to protect herself and her family from shame, but always remember when a heart is pure and repentance is seeked Allah is oft forgiving most merciful. The heart that Allah touched no man can break. Read that out loud over and over if Allah can forgive, His prophets were so pure and could forgive, you should follow the ummah....

        My end here is that everyone is telling you the same thing. Get over it! I am going through something similar with my fiance and I can imagine what you are going through because I know how hurt he is but he says he needs to relieve himself by talking about it and abusing me verbally is not fair but I am coping with it and he says to me once we are married it wont happen and believe me I use to be a very bad example of a muslim woman, a woman. I have repented and Allah knows all and I seek refuge, and mercy, and forgiveness from Allah, and I pray Allah softens my fiances heart. He is also like you and believes I should put up with everything he puts me through becasue of my past and what I did to him, I dont think its fair but its a healing process and I am letting him vent but you are married, my brother, it is haram - soften your heart and restrain from making any sins by taunting her or better yet rescue yourself from this misery and learn to move on with love from within. Stop toruring yourself or you will explode, and Allah puts in our lives things that which we can handle and many are tests, dont fail this one brother, it is not worth risking paradise over it......

        WOW!!! That was long and I sound like your shrink. Forgive me brotheer if I have crossed any lines and upset you, just speaking from experience and my mind.

        May Allah grant you peace within yourself and a happy blessed marriage with wonderful muslim children.

        Salaam

        • What if after telling your fiance about your pasts, and after marriage, he brings it up always and hurts you, abuses you emotionally, physically etc ? What then ? What if he spreads it and destroys your life ? Therefore, I think its best for you to conceal your sins and don't reveal every details of it and instead just don't marry this man if he's having trouble about your past. Yes, he might say that, he just wants to know to relieve himself and he wouldn't bring up after marriage, but whats the chances that he is true to his words ? Surely, its difficult to imagine a women was touched, slept with other men and if your fiance has that mindset, the chances are, it'll stick there forever and he might not overcome it and he might cause you double trouble. Anyways, I guess, I'm late. Pray istikhara and do whats Islamic. You just put up two verses which talks about concealing sins and not dicussing whats filthy if done and causes distress. Do obey it. Don't let yourself be abused in the hands of a man. Life is already a test and its difficult, so don't make it harder on yourself sister. Stay in happiness and peace and don't accept abuses as also when children comes in the picture, you really don't want them witnessing these evil acts.

  19. Dear Brother, you are letting your ego get the best of you. and Ego in Islam is Haraam
    Getting 2nd Marriage in Islam for the sake of satisfying your ego and taking revenge on your wife is also haraam.
    By befriending your ego, u are befriending shaytaan... you are therefore, at this current moment further away from Allah than your wife is.

    Please realise that Shaytaan is installing this ego within you ... understand this and get rid of it..
    see your wife for the beautiful person that she is.. she is only human and all human makes mistakes.. thats how Allah has made them. But your lucky.. that your wife is one who has repented and loves you very much.

    Please stop tormenting her, even emotionally, for you are sinning.
    Be thank ful to Allah and ask him to guide you and give u strength and patience.

  20. Salaam Akbar,

    I felt compelled to write to you, as I can see you are struggling with this quite heavily.

    First thing I want to say to you is that you are absolutely justified in the anger and upset that you feel, which I believe is the anger and upset of being deceived. That deception led you to make a decision which you may not have made had to you known before hand. The pain you are feeling is not really that your wife has a past, but that you were denied some information that was of paramount importance to you. This particular issue is very very important to you, and you did not know of it. Of course, you are beside yourself with anger. And if I found out tomorrow that everything I held true about my husband and made me choose him was false, I too would feel betrayed and deceived and angry.

    So the first thing that I want to point out here is what is actually going on:

    1.) Chastity is of paramount importance to you and something that you feel very powerfully about
    2.) You were deceived about this
    3.) You made a major life decision around it
    4.) You found out that what you were led to believe was false
    5.) You are now fighting with yourself to accept what you have always found unacceptable.

    This is the inevitable consequence of being mislead. We all have things that we hold in paramount utmost importance. For me, it is honesty - nothing will break my heart more than lies, and when I find that someone is lying to me - I see them in a very very bad light, and I cannot feel anything positive towards them. For you, you feel the same way about chastity and you are more than allowed to have that emotion and feeling about it. All of us have a set of qualities that we need in our lives, and make our decisions by. A simple example is when many women say they cannot accept polygamy. They feel strongly about monogamy, and a change to that is unacceptable and they cannot live with it. So I hope by this stage of my writing here, everyone can understand what chastity means to you and how big of a betrayal this discovery is for you. It's absolutely massive.

    In order to move forward in this Akbar, you must sit down and make a conscious decision as to whether you want to get over it or not. Whether you can or not is a separate issue: we can get over anything we want to get over, as long as we follow the steps - but only if we want it. What you must think about it whether you want to or not, and be very honest with yourself, even if that means that you need to admit some things that may sound bad to an outsider.

    As you are deciding, try to not focus your anger and hatred onto your wife and make her suffer. It is better to come to a decision and then recruit her into that decision than to offload all of your agony onto her on a daily basis. For one, it will not make you feel better. For two, she will begin to suffer this roller coaster that you are on.

    In most marriages - the issue is something that both parties can work at: for example, one party may gamble, or swear, or have bad habits - together these things can be changed.

    In your situation, this is not an issue that can change. This fact will remain for the rest of your life, and so you have to come to decision within yourself about whether you want to get over it or not.

    The way to come to a conclusion is to ask yourself about your wife, and what she is to you and what she means to you. Is your marriage to her worth saving, is there something there that can result in the peace, love and mercy that marriage can bring? Can you find enough good in her to let this pass.

    Another factor to consider is that she could have kept it from you until death - and you would never have known: is there anything in her act of confessing to you that you can seek any goodness in?

    There is a lot for you to think about, and your anger is natural and I can understand it, and I really do identify. This fact, this incident will remain true forever.

    Do you want to get over it or not? Take some time, and have a real think about what you want, and then we can move forwards with you.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Leyla,

      As I'm in the same position as the brothers wife, i must stress the fact that I had gotten the information from well informed scholars that You should never reveil your past sins to anyone.

      It was for this reason that I never told my husband, because I had repented (I continue to repent) and for me it was no longer a part of me or who I am.

      My husband also told me You should have told me before marriage. But for me it didnt make sens. It still doesnt.

      I never told my husband, someone told him and I dont even know how that person knew. And when he asked I had to admit because I am a terrible liar. I hate lies. But for me hiding my past isnt lying.

      • Salaam Deena,

        I truly do feel the pain that you are going through, and everything you have written here is true. No, you are not a liar, and I agree with you about that. We all things we do not share, good things and bad things, and your husband should not torture you on a daily basis, nor should he abuse you verbally or in his actions.

        Every situation is different and it really depends on the couple, where they are and how they feel about things which dictates their reactions to what is happening. Sometimes, we are fortunate, and the things we are ashamed of, do not seem the same to the other person.

        An example of this is my husband. I will not say what the things are, but he once sat down with me to "admit" details about himself which he believed would send me running in the opposite direction. Actually, when he admitted these things I gave him a hug and told him numerous stories in my own life and in the lives of the people close to me which mirror his own stories, and told him that he did not be ashamed of such things, and that I don't mind these things that he has shared with me - and in fact, I loved him more that he felt so bad about it and felt the need to admit it to me. I asked him why he didn't tell me before, and he said he feared that I would judge him or not want him because of these things. When he said this, I recognised what a massive act the admission was for him and I appreciated that, and the conversation went on, we had a cup of tea and a chat and everything was calm and serene.

        I know another couple very well, and the husband came into the marriage with a mountain of debt which he hid from his wife: it was in the tens of thousands. He never told her because he felt like he was dealing with it and it would not affect her - that it was not really her responsibility and that he could protect her from it by keeping it to himself. However, the wife (being a good wife) noticed the sleepless nights, the stress and strain, and the lack of money coming home. The situation came to a head one day and he admitted to her that he was in a lot of debt and it was getting out of control and he didn't know how to handle it. Her reaction was: "why didn't you tell me earlier so that I could help you?!" the first thing she did was jump to his aid, and help to relieve his burden. She was not upset or angry that he kept it to himself: she understood why. I know another couple, in exactly the same situation - and they had a massive 2 month fight about it, and the wife still cannot come to terms with it and speaks badly of her husband and treats him with disdain up until this very day.

        It's just a matter of the relationship, the elements within that relationship, the philosophy of the two parties, their independent experiences and levels of understanding, and their perspectives of how to deal with problems and hear them, and manage them.

        With Akbar's situation it is very clear to me that he has always held this particular issue as paramount to him: so discovering it is not there has caused this massive reaction in him which we need to work with him to manage and move through whilst minimising the pain, and encouraging a state of peace with whatever is going on, or whatever it is that needs to happen.

        I think, inside all of us is an innate preference for, and desire for peace - and none of us want to feel these horrible feelings: so our role to each other is to provide the steps that lead a person to that place, one step at a time. Peace can sometimes be achieved just by people wanting it, other times we need a helping hand to get there - other times, its just not possible: many mediators and conflict resolution experts say that it's not always about the people - sometimes the relationship just doesn't work between two characters, especially when what they hold as valuable begin to conflict.

        It is important for me, as part of understanding to put myself in his shoes and have a look at what he is seeing, and what he is seeing a massive gigantic boulder of a knowledge-burden that he cannot navigate. He has anger, rage, pain, heartache - all of these things. So what I am doing he is asking him what he wants: and then inshaAllah, we can move forward from there.

        Its very very easy to know what we don't want - "I don't want a wife who...", "I don't want a husband who..." and so on. But now we are smack in the middle of a situation - it is important to ask ourselves the question: what outcome to we really want here? And then work together to get ourselves to that place, without force, and with authenticity, so that when we let something go - we let it go in peace and in good time, so that it is permanent and long lasting forgiveness or departure.

        Peace,

        Leyla
        Editor, Islamic Answers

      • To be honest i have seen loads of qs about wether u shud open up about ur past to ur husband, and everyone advises against it. Not to be sly. Just bcz u shud conceal ur sins if u hav repented. So its a lose lose situation if u have sinned and repented. This is wat i feel after reading Akbars posts. Wat about girls who keep themselves pure yet sometyms end up marryin ppl with pasts. I say the same to them as i do to u. Its a mistake n if the partner has repented and actually is making it upto u then it shouldnt be judged. Yes its hurtful. But not to the extent of breakin a marriage. She cant change her past.but together u can change her future. We r talkin bout her like this, she cud have the purest heart now. Only allah can see inside us. I do think with men ego comes into it too. Which is wrong.

  21. Sister Leyla, you are exactly talking about what I am going through.

    As per others, I may be arrogant and doing haram things with my actions.
    Let me ask you something
    would you accept your spouse if you find out that he/she was a criminal but has repented and living a peaceful religious life as a true muslim?

    If a girl has repented and living a good muslim then I will still give her respect and make sure not to taunt her for her past and also help her, so that she can live a good muslim life, however I will not marry her.

    what if I find out after the marriage would I accept that girl as my wife? I will try to cope up with the relationship as much as I can. But I have to force myself to accept her.

    Although my wife has become a good muslim but she has turned me into such personality whom you are calling bad. If I had the same kind of past as my wife then I could easily understand that was a past mistake and it is ok to let it go for future.

    The way some of you are talking, I feel like you are justifying her past actions, which is making me upset and I really desire to have khilafah, so at least people like me won't be suffering because of people like her. At least then we know what is right and what is wrong.

    People who commit wrong acts for whatever reason should have to understand that people like me also have a life and we want to live a happy, loving and peaceful life that they ruin because of their past life. When they are seeking help from people with good past then they should also provide help to the people with good past so they won't go astray.

    Only exception to that is a non-muslim who didn't know about her wrong actions.

    • Akbar Qamar,

      I have only just your entire conversation here and I must say I am really quite shocked. I agree 100% with Leyla and I agree with much of what the others have said too. But I am shocked at you, because nothing anyone has said has melted your heart in the slightest.

      In one of your earlier posts, you have said you are better than your wife. In your last post, you have blamed your wife for 'turning your personality into such that is being called bad'. Your initial anger is very understandable but your continuing anger is not, it seems to have become arrogance and excuse making for a second wife. What is the 'exact tangible thing' that a second wife would give you that the first can't? Sorry to be graphic, but an amazing wedding night where you see the proof of virginity? The 'intangible gain' will be a stroke to your ego?

      The only thing that is ruining your life is your inability to forgive. You keep talking about 'Respect', but you pretending to love your wife but harbouring these very strong bitter feelings underneath is not respect, it is a lie. A good marriage entails 'Mercy' from both spouses, as Allah says: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).

      Brother, chastity is important and I completely understand that. BUT, chastity is not just a 'physical' thing. It goes deeper than that. If your wife is good - count your blessings and let yourself move on.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Dear Brother,
        Remember this, that Allah has written our destinies, He plans All.
        He has made your wife your mate, Allah knows your wifes past and yours too and yet ..made her for you... have you ever thought why?... in anger and frustration have you sometimes questioned Allah .. why did he he have to give you a wife with a past?

        Think with a clear mind... delete everything and realise... things happen in our lives because Allah is testing us. He puts us through these difficult situations to test us ... do we turn to Him or do we result to things like Anger, jealousy, REVENGE, ego, pride?

        Allah is testing you. And right now is seems to me like you are failing. You are letting Shaytaan to enter your heart, Forgive your wife and Allah will be Forgive your sins. and you cant say that you have never sinned. You are sinning by tormenting your wife mentally. and Allah is watching.

        Allah tests the ones He loves, He loves you so dont Fail him by letting your ego take over.
        Forgive your wife.. Allah wil forgive you.
        Pray, be at peace, show your wife mercy and Allah will show you mercy on the day of judgement.

        Mehv

    • We r humans we all sin. How can u liken this to a criminal? Ppl commit all sorts of crimes it depends on wat theyd dun. U wantd sumone whod had the same pure intentions as u had wen u wr not married. Dont we all want that. But i guess ppl cannot understand the sheer depth of the feeling u hav n how it is making u feel u cannot love her fully or treat her as if she was a virgin wen u had met. Ppl are urging u to move firward productively not dwell in sumones past. No one can comment on her actions. No one is stikin up fr her either. Its a scenario u are in. Wat to do about it now? That is the question. Personally i feel yes she did a gunnah, no she ddn hav to reveal it to u and she deservs a happy life. My dad always taught me not to judge ppl u think are wrong. Bcz one of ur own actions may one day or may have already earned you the displeasure of allah. Tell me one thing. What if allah has wiped her slate clean and what if then, u are in the wrong for not understanding this?? If i was in this situation i would not divorce sumone or live life in a state where i was not happy, if i honestly felt my husband had changed and was with me 100 per cent id thank allah for my lot and pray for both our sins to be forgiven. That is what love is. Being each others garments and protecting each other, increasing love and tolerance. Trying to reach jannah together. Ppl hav pasts, fell into wrong crowds. I find with ppl like yourselvs, who havent commited a particular sin, they judge those who hav sinned. And i struggle to see why. Bcz one slip of fate, one wrong move that cud hav been you. One wrong choice. We shud be humble and not look down on ppl who sin bcz ultimately u dont no wats round the corner. With ur own sisters, daughters etc. If ur daughter made that mistake would you like her husband to look down on her forever for it or withhold his full love from her?
      I understand its hard for u. And i do get why u are disappointed, i wud be too. But i think u need to pull urself out of this pit of despair.

    • Salaam Akbar,

      I understand, I really do. All of the language and descriptions and metaphors that you are using indicate that you feel massively betrayed: robbed, that a crime has been committed against you. The analogies are telling me what you are feeling, and I understand all of it. This is how you feel: whether it is right or wrong is a judgement call - and I am not here to judge you. Your feelings are real and genuine and I get that. You are sincere in your emotions and you have come here for help, and I recognise that too. I also feel that most of what you are saying come from a desire to punish for the pain you are feeling - however, punishing is not giving you the peace and feeling of retribution that you want to feel, and so you think of taking a second wife, and these other things: but really, you do not want to do any of it. You are hurting badly and all of this is the result of that pain. The reason that you are feeling pain in the first place, is because there is a strong attachment there which has been threatened and damaged. But we can get to the root of this later.

      There is a difference between how we feel, what we believe and what we do. Feelings and thoughts can be separated. Many times, we have a strong reaction to something: this connects to our thoughts and generates a pile of imaginings and thinkings that support the emotion and help it to grow. There is a way out of this - there is healing from this process - but in order to do it, you must have the will to. The desire to. You must want to.

      So before we move forward I need to hear from you whether you want to be happy with your wife?

      I need to hear this answer from you so that I can help you move forwards.

      Peace,

      Leyla
      Editor, Islamic Answers

    • I really don't agree with you when you say that she as turned you in to a bad person. You are responsible for you and your actions.
      The fact that she repented to Allah means that she understands the bad she had done. She has taken responsability for her actions, you refuse to. I dont think that it has with chasity, i think that you're having a problem that she wasnt a virgin. Like the sister said; i know a lot of virgins that are NOT chaste.

      You say that you're not hurting, trust me when you are not loving with your wife you hurt her. No wife wants her man to be nice and nothing else. She wants a mate, a lover someone to talk too, laugh with, share emotions etc.

      And i really think that this is not a religious dilemma for you, I really think it's about your "manhood" and ego. Because if it was religious you would show Rahma and with rahma i dont mean staying married to her, because believe or not she could marry a nice man that would take care of her even though she was divorced. With Rahma I mean forgiveness, they way you wish Allah will forgive you, they way you want someone you hurt would forgive you. Cause u're acting like you're gonna live this life with out ever doing something that would hurt someone. Never sinning. I'm sorry to say it again but I think you're beeing a bit arrogant when it comes to this.

      What if Allah has forgiven her (arrahmani raheeem) and now you're the one that is sinning by not forgivng her.
      I think you should really take sister Leylas advice. She wrote well about you accepting or not accepting this life. Alhamdoullah Allah subhano gave us choices, we can change and choose our destiny. We are free to do so, and if you cant not be the husband that she deservs and she can not be wife that you'd wish for then I dont understand why you insist on suffer and let her suffer. I just dont get it!
      Especially if you think that she is turning you into a bad person. Is that how you want to be?

      I will pray that you find love and peace with your wife, because God is capable of all things.
      Please pray for me and my husband aswell.

      Take care brother.
      allah maek.

  22. Dear Brother,
    Remember this, that Allah has written our destinies, He plans All.
    He has made your wife your mate, Allah knows your wifes past and yours too and yet ..made her for you... have you ever thought why?... in anger and frustration have you sometimes questioned Allah .. why did he he have to give you a wife with a past?

    Think with a clear mind... delete everything and realise... things happen in our lives because Allah is testing us. He puts us through these difficult situations to test us ... do we turn to Him or do we result to things like Anger, jealousy, REVENGE, ego, pride?

    Allah is testing you. And right now is seems to me like you are failing. You are letting Shaytaan to enter your heart, Forgive your wife and Allah will be Forgive your sins. and you cant say that you have never sinned. You are sinning by tormenting your wife mentally. and Allah is watching.

    mehv

  23. I believe it is a crime to hurt someone's feelings with your wrong actions... especially when I have to pay for her wrong doings... that's why I do not want to hurt my wife but sometimes I cannot control on my emotions.

    Just to clarify I do not want a 2nd wife period.

    I want to live a happy and peaceful life with my wife but I am not able to that with the current situation

  24. I know exactly how you are feeling Brother. But time is the healer of everything. Be patient, Pray and forgive your wife, she is going through alot too seeing your pain. and i know you are paining alot too.

    What happend was the past and it had nothing to do with you or her love for you. cos she didnt even know you. She made a mistake and is really sorry for it... she must have suffered after it by the guilt. she strayed.. but she is just Human.. Leave that to Allah, He knows peoples intentions, He is All-Knowing and most Merciful.

    i know you love your wife, but love is nothing without trust, respect and COMPASSION. Dwelling in the past is letting Shaytaan to torment you and take over your mind.

    See your wife with a loving eye.. see all the lovely things she does for you, how she cares for you, see her heart, and how much love she has for you. You are blessed, Be thankful.

    I wish you Peace and happiness Brother

  25. As Salaam U Alaikum,

    Brother Akbar, the females can never ever understand why this is so important for a man. Allah created us differently and what a man wants in a spouse is not what a woman wants. What a woman wants from marriage is often not what a man wants.

    What was the famous saying? Women desire love and affection, but men desire respect and peace?

    SisterZ posted a Verse from the Quran about couples living in peace and tranquility. I'd like to post a verse about this issues addressed in this question.

    "The fornicator shall not marry any but a fornicatress or idolatress, and (as for) the fornicatress, none shall marry her but a fornicator or an idolater; and it is forbidden to the believers."

    From The Chpater of The Light, Verse 3.

    Could someone explain why this verse was revealed? I think it's quite a clear statement that we should encourage the fornicators to marry fornicators to avoid the rough scenarios that are mentioned in this thread.

    Brother Akbar, many of the Sisters will never understand just how much chastity means to a man. Just why it's so important to us. Often we would give up many other characteristics just to find a virgin/chaste wife.

    However I do understand your pain and I'll give you the best advice I can. It's been months and you're still not over your wife's history, it's a sign you must end it with her, you must let her go. Do it honourably though. The other posters will say, stay in marriage and try to work it out, but it won't, you're a man similar to me, you just won't be able to clear it out of your mind, so the best option is to let go of her and find another wife when you are ready.

    Akbar, don't be arrogant, don't speak like you deserve this or you deserve that. However do speak of what is right and what is wrong. It is wrong for you to be with her if you cannot be just to her.

    Both Muslim men and Muslim women have got to go out of their way to try and marry someone with a similar history. I highly doubt Deena would be in the situation she is in, or Akbar's wife, if they had married unchaste men. I also believe that is why that verse was revealed. Yes hide your sins, but surely marry someone who's got a similar past?

    I also don't see the justice of a man/women who's never had sex before marriage, marrying someone who's had sex maybe once or several times with one or more partners, repented for it.

    Just as women want men to understand their emotional needs, perhaps the Sisters should also realise how important chastity is for almost all men.

    Akbar, I wish you the best. May Allah help you out, cause it's a horribly situation for you.

    • Dear brother,

      “Avoid this filth that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever does any such thing, then let him conceal it with the concealment of Allaah.”

      “O ye who believe! Ask not about things which, if they were made known to you, would trouble you.” (Qur’an 5:101)

      I am familiar with the quote you have stated, but in light of your whole summary you somehow fall back on "Sisters will never understand just how much chastity means to a man" This is not in Islam, it is Ego, perhaps it stems from culture a bit but its mainly ego and Im sure as a muslima you are aware of how ego is looked on in Islam my brother. My words come harsh but the heart is pure, please forgive me if i have offended you.

      Brother Akbar

      Everyone deserves a second chance and divorce should be the last thing on your mind over something that happened long ago. If the woman is vile and mistreating you, you have all the right according to the shariah to let go but our brother here is mostly speaking of pain and anger and do not make suce decisions when the shaytan is playing mind tricks on you brother, but when in a clear head you think and come to such a decision you better analyze your life, her life, oh and keep your ego in check brother or it could destroy something very special you have and might never get it back, youve spoken nothing but good things about this woman in your life minus her past. You need to pray more and read Quran, perhaps it will help warm your heart and open your eyes to see how grateful you should be to Allah for blessing you with such a wonderful wife.

      • Assalam'alaykum,

        I agree with what brother John Fisher said.

        Anyways, you said,

        "Sisters will never understand just how much chastity means to a man" This is not in Islam, it is Ego, perhaps it stems from culture a bit but its mainly ego and Im sure as a muslima you are aware of how ego is looked on in Islam my brother.

        This statement is totally false and it is solely your opinion and I won't blame you for possessing this opinion as, you know why. Do you actually think that if a man desire a chaste woman, its his ' EGO ' ? It seems as though you've made both chaste and unchaste people as having the same viewpoints. Know that, chaste people will have a desire to marry chaste woman and vice versa. And as bro John Fisher said, I can't agree more

        "I also don't see the justice of a man/women who's never had sex before marriage, marrying someone who's had sex maybe once or several times with one or more partners, repented for it."

        It is just normal for a man who remain chaste all their life by fearing and obeying Allah to want a woman of similar stature and vice versa. Chastity really means alot to us chaste men and so to say that chaste men who wish to marry only chaste women is due to his ego is an absurd statement, no offence. This is the very reason why Allah said that fornicators should marry fornicatress and vice versa and men of purity should marry women of purity and men of impurity should marry women of impurity. One wisdom is that, if the opposite is done or the rule is breached then most probably severe problem would arise as is evident in this thread. And this is the very reason why our beloved prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said to marry VIRGINS in a hadith. Is it ego now ?
        Just think about it, if a man who has never had pre-marital relationship and remained chaste till marriage, is it fair to marry a woman who slept with 1 or 2 or more men ? Surely, if her past is revealed by some means, thats it, disaster would occur. Its impossible for pure men to overcome the idea that his wife or wife to be has slept with one or more men and vice versa and so this sort of marriage should be discouraged or else bringing up past to mock one another will happen etc Therefore, I also agree with what bro John fisher said

        we should encourage the fornicators to marry fornicators to avoid the rough scenarios that are mentioned in this thread. And Both Muslim men and Muslim women have got to go out of their way to try and marry someone with a similar history.

        on the othe side, if unchaste men desire chaste women or vice versa, then I agree with you that its their 'ego' and they are evil. But this is minority.

        • salaam dear mad at the world...lol...

          calm down, i never said that its false and never based my opinion on his ego based on that statement. Chaste women for chaste men, yes this does help create good healthy relationship only by Allahs will. He is alraedy married to her and its his EGO now that is not letting things go, not religion as religion tells you to see the good in your wife even if u find a flaw. He claims his wife is good to him and yet he is thinking of leaving her, thats a sin to my brother....

          when you soeak to me please, back up with religion and not your up bringing or culture. I highly know the importance of being chaste in our religion but i know many other things around it as well, perhaps you should study a bit further and open your mind as Allah always forgives.

          salaam

          • Alaykumsalam,

            Culture ? What culture are you talking about ? Fyi, I've been in this forum for years and none of my comments in this forum was ever based on worldly culture but purely Islamic culture.
            Anyways, you want to talk about religion and so I'm more than happy to do so, lets go ahead,
            Firstly, you said, you know the importance of chastity in our religion and yet when a chaste man went crazy after finding out that his wife is unchaste, you call that his "ego" ? If chastity has importance in Islam as you know it, how come its related to 'ego' which is solely 'self-esteem' or 'self-importance' 😀 ? It makes me wonder, how much do you know about chastity in Islam and what does it signify ?

            He is alraedy married to her and its his EGO now that is not letting things go, not religion as religion tells you to see the good in your wife even if u find a flaw.

            You said, This is not religion but his ego ? Well, Islam has been careful to distance people from their animalistic desires and Satanic manners.
            Allah says,
            “And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah enriches them of His Bounty.” (An-Noor 24: 33) you see how strict the order of Allah is ? Allah also tells, “The zani marries not but a zaniyah or a Mushrikah and the zaniyah none marries her except a zani or a Mushrik. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers.” (An-Noor 24: 30) subhana'Allah, Allah FORBIDS marrying a zani/zaniyah and so ofcourse if a chaste man finds out that he married a zaniyah he naturally would go mad and its not his "ego" sister, its purely natural as he is SHOCK. Also Allah tells, “ don't commit illegal sexual intercourse – and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide there in disgrace. Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds…” (Al-Furqan 25: 68)
            He also says,
            “And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a transgression of Allah’s limits, and an evil way.” (Al-Israa’ 17: 32)

            Sister, I believe you know all these but how come you can't understand the importance of chastity for chaste men aswell as chaste women and you refer to it as 'ego' if found out after marriage ? Do you have any Islamic proofs to prove your statement about 'ego' without disregarding my proofs ? I bet you can't.

            Do you also know that,“When the fornicator is committing fornication, he is not a muslim” (Bukharee and Muslim), subhana'Allah this is not just " a flaw ", this is transgression at its highest sister.

            Allah said “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze, and protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze, and protect their private parts.” (An-Noor 24: 30)

            Now this is about chaste people,

            “If a woman prays five times daily, and fasts her month (of Ramdan), and guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her, ‘Enter Paradise by any door you like.’” (Bukharee)

            “The first three to enter paradise were shown to me: A martyr, a chaste person, and a slave who perfected his worship of Allah and remained faithful to his master.” (Tirmidhi)

            See the difference ? Now do you see why chastity or being pure is extremely extremely important in Islam ? Allah has on many occasion order us to be pure and he gave a stern warning for the impure of their fate in hereafter if they don't repent. And our prophet himself advised "Why don't you marry a virgin" (Bukharee)

            Yes, bro Akbar's wife may have repented and Allah may have forgiven her, but he going mad about it now is understandable and not his 'ego'. Maybe you'll never understand what chaste means unless you struggle experiancing it which is impossible now.

            To explain it in simple term, many of us men/women are religious, pure virgins (which is a great jihad in this corrupted generation, so much sacrifices needed), righteous etc we fear Allah much, we obey Him much, we obey His messenger, we love our parents, we fought our lusts etc and so its impossible to accept a person who is not righteous, who follow his animalistic behavior, who took heed to satanic wisphers, who followed their lusts, who dis-obeyed Allah, who ignored prophet sayings, totally ignorant people, basically chaste and unchaste people are completely opposite to each other.

            Do you know what being chaste also means ? Being 'chaste/virgin' also defines a person character and religion (which we are advised by our prophet to seek, for marrying a person), it defines his/her obediance to Allah, it defines his/her self-respect etc.

            Perhaps you've got much studying to do and next time you comment, let there be Islamic proofs of your statement made.

        • Salam,

          Dear brother, I understand what you are saying I really do and I agree with you since this is the our Islamic law and right. I never stated marrying virgins were wrong, Im sorry for the confusion. However the matter at hand is that he is already married to her and this is where I speak of ego forgive me for the misunderstanding, to my knowledge she is a good wife and for him to leave her for such a reason is sad to me. He will obviously be upset and has every right to be and no doubt if he is patient Allah will reward him. May Allah give them peace and comfort in their home. I do realize how important it is to be chaste now, I strayed a long ago and am turning my life around, I did not have guidance and I have now understood my religion, better late than never right brother. All I am saying is that it is unfair that she is a good wife to him and he would want to divorce her for her past sins. I just cant make sense of why someone would want to divorce one because of their past, especially if they are a changed person and Allah has forgiven them but we as slaves find it very difficult to deal with, but these are also tests for us in life is it not true brother? I feel bad that the brother was lied to but in all fairness read below, itsnot as if she had commited a sin whilst married to him now, that would be a different case all together..... I am sorry if I offended you in my last post and do not take this as a personal attack I am just giving my advice, I never stated what I know or said were based on facts.

          “Avoid this filth that Allaah has forbidden. Whoever does any such thing, then let him conceal it with the concealment of Allaah.”

          “O ye who believe! Ask not about things which, if they were made known to you, would trouble you.” (Qur’an 5:101)

          Everyone makes sins, everyone gets punished for them, the believers in this life and perhaps the hereafter depending on the sin and if the repentance was genuine or not. I am no one to judge anyone and nor do I like to be judged, only Allah may judge.

          Salaam

          • Slaam brother,

            I do know what chaste means, I was simply stating in one of my earlier posts that being chaste does not only mean being a virgin. I am not a virgin and I have a past a very bad past. I have repented for my sins brother so there is no need to open the wounds as they bring tears to my eyes and the way I was shown the light was at a hard time but I pulled through it, and believe myself to be a good practising muslima now and am proud of it, with the help of Allah I will grow stronger day by day InshaAllah.

            I pray for you my brother in Isla. I like your passion for the discussion on here about religion, I admire and respect that a lot. Thank you for enlightening me with your wisdom.

            Salaam

          • Alaykumsalam,

            Talking in general, yes, its unfair for a man to divorce his wife after finding about her pasts but as she might have repented and changed her ways for the best and is now a good muslimah but we advise the man to divorce her not because of her pasts but because of his inability to forgive the betrayel of the chastity of his wife where she would most probably face sufferings emotionally and physically, if and when the man constantly hold her guilty of her past sins even after she repents or he might negate her rights, abuse her etc, therefore, no one should go through this, no one should suffer in the hands of a man and no one should play god. Therefore, its best if she is left at peace than to suffer. Life is a test, we should not make it difficult on ourselves.

            Secondly, I never intended to hurt your feelings sister. Forgive me. But just one thing I need to point out sister, I believe you are also under the username "HELP", and since you said you've repented for your sins and changed your ways, in your other posts you said, you are with your fiance, living with him, not married to him and away from your families. Sister, are you aware that you are still living in a life style similar to your past filled with transgressions (a zina lifestyle) ? By Allah, I'm not trying to attack or hurt you again, I was only making you aware that for the repentance to be accept by Allah, there is a procedure and conditions and one of it is to stop the evil as so its as though you havn't repented as Allah said, "Of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil, until death faces one of them, and he says, "Now have I repented indeed;" nor of those who die rejecting Faith:for them have We prepared a punishment most grievous" (4:18 Quran). And family ties is extremely important in Islam, parents is our gate to paradise therefore our Prophet said to either hold on to it or leave it. Parents is of high importance in Islam too where we would be thrown in hell fire for breaking family ties. But those who break the covenant of Allaah after contracting it and sever that which Allaah has ordered to be joined and spread corruption on earth – for them is the curse, and they will have the worst abode.” [Quran 13: 25]. Sister, I only want good for you as I want good for myself as so its not fair for you when your 'fiance' is playing god. Your best Islamic course of action would be to leave him inorder to leave that which is haram and fix your ties with your family with hard works and sacrifices and have patience and ask Allah for help with SINCERE repentance.

            "And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith to your Lord and submit to Him, before the torment comes upon you, then you will not be helped.

            "And follow the best of that which is sent down to you from your Lord (i.e. this Qur'an, do what it orders you to do and keep away from what it forbids), before the torment comes on you suddenly while you perceive not!"( 39:54-55 Quran)

            "…Indeed, Allaah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves.” [Quran 2:222]

            Again, its not an attack but an advise.

            I'll pray for you insha'Allah.

          • Dear brother,

            So i blew my cover, "seriously" is my strength and "help" is my weakness....

            Im not offended nor upset with you brother, you shed light to the truth and to be honest i think i was in need of all this guidance but further more someone who would listen as i cant talk with friends or family, i do not wish to upset them or burden them. Your post brought tears to my eyes and to be honest i have told him everything you have mentioned and i know all of this but it feels like we should marry now because its the right thing to do and because i love him. Your point was well said when you mention better a divorce than to make one suffer for life but could this be a test brother? After everything i have been through it took someone like my fiance to beat me, spit at me, verbally assault me to finally get that the life i was living was so haram and i resent him for it but in some sense i want to thank him because perhaps if not for him i might have continue to do what i was doing
            and thinking Allah will forgive me everytime..... i have even told him when it comes to me and my feelings he tries to play god and it provokes him and all he wants is to know the truth about my past.i have lied to him so much now he wont even believe what i say but to me ive worked it out and repented and am trying to move on but he wont let me. I know living with him and making zina is haram ive told him to leave me alone until hes ready to make nikkah but he wont. Hes selfish and harming me and himself and refuses to see it. I cant leave him brother i love him and my family right now my father and brother are not speaking to me for what i did and who ive chosen but my mother i am trying to keep her happy and i speak to one sister, if i leave they will disown me for what i did to their name.i convince myself its not making zina and hes my husband and no man will ever touch me but i know this is haram. I even told him im venting about our relationship to fellow muslims and he got mad and said they are not scholars they are not giving you proof and he gets mad at me for trying to find a solution he wants me to be completely submissive to him and ive told him i dont worship man but Allah n he fights with me over my past boyfriends. He has not the right person in his life that will sit with us and talk to us.

            Im just full of complaints about my life these days and i just want a healthy normal relationship but i cant have it with this man until i tell him in detail about my past
            Im afraid to sleep before he does sometimes cause i think he will wake me and fight with me over my past.

            He says i make him hate himself and life, i feel the same but he is making us suffer because he probably thinks we deserve it his life train of thought never makes any sense to me

  26. Dear Brother, i do not agree with you when u say that a man who is unchaste wont have this problem if he married a woman who is unchaste.. This is untrue..
    Most unchaste men want to only marry Virgin women because it is not a threat to their ego.
    I dont think Divorce is the way.. as it is the most HAted by Allah..
    Allah discourages divorce and encourages Forgivness
    Akbar Brother, you must first rid of your ego, practise Forgiveness, Allah will be pleased with you.

    [25:43-44] Have you seen the one whose god is his own ego? Will you be his advocate? Do you think that most of them hear, or understand? They are just like animals; no, they are far worse.

    [45:23] Have you noted the one whose god is his ego? Consequently, GOD sends him astray, despite his knowledge, seals his hearing and his mind, and places a veil on his eyes. Who then can guide him, after such a decision by GOD? Would you not take heed?

    [4:128] If a woman senses oppression or desertion from her husband, the couple shall try to reconcile their differences, for conciliation is best for them. Selfishness is a human trait, and if you do good and lead a righteous life, GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

    If you then feel that this is impossible, and you are still hurting inside and so is your wife.. then after all this.. divorce may be the better option for both of you.

  27. Salaam Akbar,

    Thank you for writing that.

    I need to identify the area which is generating your sense of betrayal. Is it that your wife had a relationship before marriage (i.e: the fact that she was not a virgin), or is it that you feel like you were deceived (the fact that she did not tell you before marriage)?

    If it is because of the chastity issue: then the direction to go forward is one way.

    If it is because she did not tell you - then this is a different issue.

    Are you able, Akbar, to identify and isolate the specific part of this knowledge which triggered this reaction in you so that we can focus on that specific event and move through it.

    It is difficult on a forum like this, as really you need about 36 hours of training to be able to discipline yourself in this way: however, we can certainly have a good try.

    What I need you to do is isolate the exact part of the information that set you off on this emotional roller coaster and try to verbalise it for me, and example of this is:

    "My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and the reason that this is torturing me is because it means......"

    There can be many meanings here, and you don't have to share them here.

    Examples:

    My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and that means that I cannot trust her

    My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and that means everything I loved about her is no longer there

    My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and that means that she is not who I thought she was

    My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and that means that she is a fornicator

    My wife told me that she had a relationship before marriage and that means she is a fraud

    If I forgive my wife, that means I am condoning relationships before marriage

    Once you have been able to express your feelings in this way, you are able to check for accuracy - this time, take only the meaning:

    Meaning: I cannot trust her
    Question: Is it true? Is she really untrustworthy, has she demonstrated elements of untrustworthiness to you - have you seen her lie, cheat and steal, or break promises, or let anyone down?

    Meaning: She is a fornicator
    Question: Is she? Has her description of the situation she was in, really the definition of fornicator? and so on...

    Meaning: Everything I loved about her is no longer there?
    Question: Is her chastity all that you loved about her? Is chastity simply the act of being a virgin, or is chasity a series of things - which she may actually be right here and right now

    Meaning: She is a fraud.
    Question: Is that truly the case...

    Meaning: I am condoning sex before marriage
    Question: Are you really?

    Slowly, as you think in this way: you should be able to begin to separate the meanings you are attaching to the situation to the actual situation - and once you have taken all of the meanings apart, you should be able to then exert some manner of control over your emotions, and some kind of mental discpline that inshaAllah, will reduce the waves of anger, and hard-heartedness that are taking over.

    The benefits of this is not so that you can begin to think clearly, outside of your emotional reaction. The emotional reaction is one of absolute torture because our mind and body is interlinked. If you look at fuzzy picture (for example), your brain will fill in the gaps to make it a complete picture. This is why, when we see something out of the corner of our eye: we see "a dog" or "a man": your brain fills in the details that are missing for you - whether those details are really there or not. Your brain "makes sense" of what you are looking at. The way this relates to your situation is that when your body has a reaction - such as one of anger, fear or disgust - your brain will create the support needed to make your reaction "make sense". An example of this is the way children will run down the stairs, because they fear something is running after them because they feel scared (even when there is nothing there at all). Your brain feeds information through itself in a "loop" - which means that information that is not making sense will continue to go around and around until it reaches a conclusion. Once it reaches a conclusion - that information can be laid to rest in your memory. An example of this is when one hears a noise in the house: they will interpret it (for example, they may think someone has broken into the house), and then they will tiptoe. Straight away, the brain is working: presenting images of what to do next, presenting images of your would-be attacker. As these images are produced: heart starts pumping, muscles get tense. You tiptoe to the kitchen, and it's a cat. Conclusion. Body calms down, brain starts creating new images and the conclusion is reached - the experience gets filed away.

    What is happening to you is exactly this. You have received information and had a strong reaction. Your brain is now taking that reaction and creating the imagery and thoughts that it needs to make that reaction make sense. It is producing imaginings, and visions and thoughts to support your emotions. Because emotion and thoughts are so connected, those thoughts then feed your emotions - and before you know it you have a reactive loop occuring inside of you. The way this will feel from the outside is that one minute you are OK, then FLASH! an image, then anger, then image, then emotion and so on and so forth. You have not reached a conclusion yet, and you cannot file things away. The loop continues to torture you.

    The natural defence that you are exhibiting against this is to repress your emotions entirely which will be experienced inside you as "coldness" towards your wife: like you have turned off your feelings towards her. The reason you have done that is because the emotions that accompany closeness are too painful for you and it is actually safer for you emotionally to stop caring altogether. Whilst you stop caring, what you feel is a burdensome feeling of bubbling hatred which feels "heavy" and upsetting for you - it feels like you are "full" of this coldness. It does not feel nice at all, and you feel alienated from yourself. This is your will pushing those feelings down so that you can be a good person. This is how good you are - this is how hard you are trying.

    The cost of this however, at the end, is all of the positive feelings that you can feel and have felt at some stage in your life for her.

    The first step for you is to try and reconcile your emotional journey with the emotional destination that you want to end up at. If you want to end up in a happy relationship with the woman you are currently married to, then you must be willing to take that journey. If the destination you want to end up in is in a relationship with a new wife, whom you haven't met yet, then you must be willing to take up that journey.

    So - back to stage 2, which is to make your list of your meanings first. Take a break. Then come back, and assess those meanings for accuracy. Recognise whilst you are doing this all of the emotional reactions and thoughts this brings up for you - and realise that this is your body doing the loop-de-loop that I described earlier. Become very aware of yourself as a completely interlinked being whose reactions take over the mind and body entirely. Then try to exert some discipline over it.

    Once you have done all of that - give me an update on how you feel. The target feeling we are aiming for is what I would describe as an emptiness where the anger and coldness was, and you should feel some "space" inside you.

    This space that you will create with in yourself will give you the freedom to assess a conclusion and make peace with it. The conclusion you come to: is our choice. What you truly want may be to walk away, or it may be to make it work - I don't know. But whilst your emotional loop is driving you - you will not be able to make a sane decision that will give you the peace that you desire, and you will carry on, trapped in this loop endlessly.

    The peace has to come first, the decision second. Let me know how you get on.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Brilliant analysis Leyla. I would really like it if you would put this together as an article titled, "Jealousy toward past relationships" that could be a permanent resource on this site.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear sister,

      I was wondering if you could help me..

      I am in a relationship with my fiance and I have been wanting to marry him for a few months now and we are even living together although I know this is haram. My family thinks we have made nikkah and are married its complicated. I have a past and although I told him he need not know everything he has this need to find out every detail about my past including who i slept with how and who was best. To me its strange and unacceptable but he says its the only way he can cope with it and work it out in his head. so i told him. i also cheated him when i was away from him in our early stages of our relationship, i dont want to make excuses for myself but i wasnt happy and wanted to end things because when i first met him he abused me physically and verbally because i had drank alcohol, i dont do that any more.... but this had an impact on me, im not the girl who gets beat up by her man but ive become such a woman, he swore he wont put his hands on me again but he has done it a number of times and he thinks its just physical pain but ive told him im scared mentally and those ones are harder to heal than the outter ones. anyhow, so he has stopped beating me but abuses me verbally for my past and what i did to him. i know he loves me because he is accepting all of this, but is he really? and he says some real foul things to me which i can not repeat and i was just as bad as him but ive changed, im stronger in my faith now and am not cursing and want to move forward in the right path and this is one of the reasons he said he wanted to marry me because he said he knew i had a good faith i was just lost for a time. am i enabling him by staying quiet when he throws tantrums and rants on about my past and how bad i was or how bad i would be if we married? i know hes scared but hes no angel either...... i love him dearly. but his way of thinking gets to me.. he says if we marry and i cheat he will kill me, and he says islamically he is allowed to do this. i wont cheat but i mean come on who says that, he means it by the way. he also gave me choices the other day and said to me if u love me you will choose one of the three to prove to me you love me more than the others ..1. do drugs 2. i become ur pimp. 3. i beat the living day lights out of you... i didnt wanna pick any but we were both aiming for the third one since i had no other choice and he didnt beat me but ust him giving me those choices make me sick and sad too. he thinks i should put up with everything he is putting me though because i deserve it and im slowly starting to tear apart and maybe this is a punishment from Allah but im scared of him and i hate this. the answers are so clear the signs of me leaving are so clear but the signs of me staying are clear too.... like since i have been with him i pray often and am learning to read the quran and this is so big for me but do i put up with everything because of all of this, i dont know if this is a test to stay or leave and im scared i dont want to ruin his life or mine and hes always wanted a virgin wife too like everyother man and i dont want to take that away from him because i feel he will throw that in my face for ever.

      • Assalam'alaykum,

        I don't see any clear reasons of why do you want to marry/stay with this man. You guys are no match for each other and if you continue living together, I can only guess that one day you'll come here complaining extreme loss. Your only solution is to leave this man. Period. Easier said yea, but its for your greater benefit. If you don't, worst will happen. And you should anyways pray often and read Quran as it is your duty given by Allah, and with or without this man, you MUST perform your duty. There shouldn't be any obstacle with regards to you obeying Allah.
        You have done many greatest sins like fornications, alcohol etc which you need to repent seriously and sincerely or else the punishment of Allah will inevitebly come and you will not be helped by anyone and there will be no refuge. You'll also have to face the consequnces of your actions and so be patient and make lots of tawbah. Learn about Islam and stop all these u evil deeds. Ask Allah for blessings, mercy and guidance. You should focus on your life and fear Allah and don't think of that non mahram man's life, his deal is with Allah.
        Lastly, you need a wali (guardian) to marry and for the marriage to be valid.
        Just leave these unislamic acts, leave this man and get back to your family as they hold high priority right now.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Sister, you need to get away from this man as a matter of urgency. For a man to beat you severely, and attempt to get you on drugs or into prostitution is abhorrent - and a sign that you are in danger.

        Speak to your family and arrange to leave him. If you are in a country where it is safe to do so, I would urge you to contact the police - you may not be the only woman he treats in this manner, and they will be able to help keep you safe. Most cities have a women's shelter, and cities where there is a large Muslim population often have specific organisations that are experienced in helping Muslim women.

        Regardless of any sins you committed in the past, nobody has the right to treat you this way. Your sins are between you and Allah, and not to be used as an excuse to abuse you.

        I hope that you are able to leave this situation and find happiness. Keep praying and reading Quran, and ask Allah for forgiveness, strength and help - Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful, and inshaAllah you will find the strength to remove yourself from this situation and heal.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • Good day sisters thank you for your reply.

          Everyoneissaying leave him, and thats the thing, if I were reading this about someone elses life i would say the same thing but since im the one going through it it is tough. I love him, the family name, there has been a lot of damage done because of us to the families and he has fought for me since his family didnt want me and not so much cause of me because but things from the past between the families.

          The whole thing about prostitution and drugs and abuse was a "test" from him to see what I would answer back so he says, I dont think he would ever do that to me, although i believe he might beat me again. He forced me once to put my hand on the quran and beat me right after cause he knew i was lying and said i got the punishment from Allah because of my lie and i believed him, am i sick? I never use to be this girl. I had a bad past and just like he sees the good in me i see it in him too, i changed so i believe in him too. I cant go back to my family, i have disgraced them and they wont accept me back even though i live in the west. i cant fight to go back, with no face anyway...

          I have tried leaving a few times but something always brings me back to him and its mainly love but everytime he Prays to Allah when i have left him he finds me even though im tryin to leave the country and even with me i see the good sighns but the bad ones are there too and i have made istikhara a few times and sometimes i feel good about it and other times ive felt bad and this is why i am so confused, i know this is a big test from Allah but i have trouble thinking if i should have left or its right to stay. i dont want to ruin his life either since he will need the peace of mind to study med school. oh by the way, im in my very late 20s.... my self esteem has been broken but this man showed me who i was was a big threat to me and my hereafter and i thank him for it, the way he did it was wrong but i am no longr drinking and such well except living with him and thats the part that alwas gets me he wants to help mebut he commits sin with me and ive asked him to leave me alone until marriage but he refuses..... Now he wants to make nikkah asap.....

          Thank you so much sisters for reading

          • Sister, this man is abusing you both psychologically and physically. A man should not test his family in this way, and his behaviour is manipulative and cruel. As a woman, I would rather be unmarried than with an abusive husband.

            Finding faith again is wonderful, but does not bind you to this man. You are a free person and your past sins are between you and Allah.

            Pray istikhara and ask Allah for guidance and help. I pray that you find peace and safety.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com

    • Wow this is amazing MashaAllah - really insightful and deep!

      • salam sister midnightmoon

        thank you,

        well we are not married and its been over a week he hasnt beat me and i dont think he will anymore but the psychological abuse continues.... people change, right sister? i mean its been three months but i have changed a lot and want to do better. hes affraid that i will go back to my old ways cause i have fallen from the path before but i believe otherwise...

        i hate myself for who i was and even now he tells me he hates his life and i changedc because no one else shows me love but Allah and now even when things are bad i dont get mad at Allah towba but i know he is testing me. this guy has good too not just bad, like him loving me and his faith and acceptance of me for who i was and am

        thank you sister for your advice i pray for you and may Allah reward you for your good deeds

  28. Wasalaam Leyla,

    Your post is very helpful to me. I am going through it again and again, figuring out things and trying to work through those. You sound like either you are a student of psychology or you are already a psychologist. However, I cannot discuss this issue further on the forum. Although I still need help but I don't want to publicize this further.

    I appreciate all brothers and sisters who are helping me out to get over this. I appreciate you all for sharing the verses and ahadith

    Now the question is what I want

    All I want is to accept my wife with respect and love....

    • Salaam Akbar,

      I appreciate that you don't want to publicize this further and I am happy that this is what you want. I will write here what is supposed to come out of these exercises and inshaAllah there will be something in there that will be of help to you, perhaps when you come back after you have gone through the exersizes: writing them down will help as you can see your thoughts in black and white and revisit them when you have had some time off to cool off.

      Once we have recognised that the offence that we feel comes from the meanings that we attach to a situation, and once we recognise that those meanings are questionable meanings and not necessarily the true meanings - we are then able to separate the-meaning-we-attach from the-meaning-that-is-really-there:

      My wife told me that she was in a relationship with someone else before marriage and what that means is that my wife was in a relationship with someone else before marriage.

      That's it. That's all it really means Akbar. All of the other meanings are coming from you, and the pain that those meanings are generating is coming from your mental and emotional loop. Things happen. Sometimes good things, some times bad things - but our lives and decisions are more complex than the most complex of things - but the most important thing is where we are now and where we want to be. It is our intentions , and our deeds right here and right now that define who we are - not our regrets and mistakes.

      The pain that you are feeling is coming from the meanings that you are attaching, and the mental and emotional loop that it is creating for you. Your cooling off is a defence mechanism: we are no more likely to let ourselves feel close to something that has hurt us emotionally, then we are to put our hand back in fire after it has burned.

      To trust, after trust has been broken: is a risk. As humans, we are naturally risk-averse - preferring grantees to risks every single time. The aversion you are feeling to forgiving your wife, is risk-aversion. You do not want to make yourself vulnerable to this pain again. What you need to recognise is that every step we make towards personal or professional growth requires an element of risk, in order to get the return on our investment that we seek.

      In order to get the peaceful and loving relationship with your wife that you want, you must take the risk of trusting her and forgiving her. Many times we worry that if we forgive someone for hurting us, what we do is risk the pain occurring again. Therefore, we feel that by remaining distance and angry - we are actually guaranteeing that this pain will not occur again. We are avoiding risk: the risk of being hurt, the risk of being let down. Staying angry - is playing it safe.

      Letting go of it and moving forwards is a risk. Now. You know your wife to be a good wife, an honest wife and a decent wife - and to move forwards with her and have the relationship you want you must risk trusting her, loving her and allowing yourself to be close to her again, and take the risk and invest the trust and the forgiveness. The return on this investment will be a loving relationship.

      The way to achieve this is to go out with her to a nice place (it could be a park, a restaurant - somewhere serene and beautiful), where you are not in the same environment that you are in day in and day out and actually make some investment into the love part of your relationship and make a conscious decision to invest in some time to bond. During this time that you are together, turn the conversation to what it is that you love about each other and what it is that you are to each other. Focus on the good things and ask her to tell you about the good things about you, and tell her the good things about her. Slowly, the ice should start to thaw and you can allow yourself to get close.

      When you get home, be affectionate with her and give her a hug, and take time to get close, and inshaAllah, as soon as it clicks inside you who she is right here, right now is the single indicator about her devotion and character, then you will find peace in yourself and you will enable yourself to love her like you did before.

      I don't know which country you are in, but some excellent resources for marital counselling in the UK are Relate, and there are more resources here: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/relationship.html you can go alone, or as a couple.

      For what it's worth, I think you will be OK if you follow through the exercises. Thoughts are like demons - they can possess us, blind us and overpower us: releasing a negative thought cycle is like being exorcized - the release, the sense of freedom that follows from letting go is so powerful that it is like flying.

      I will pray for peace to come to your heart, and for you to access that peace swiftly inshaAllah.

      We are always here if you need us.

      Peace,

      Leyla
      Editor, Islamic Answers

    • You obviously love her very much and you both deserve to be happy. no more stepping back but moving forward my brother. InshaAllah everything will fall into place, maybe not now but time heals all....

      Salaam

  29. Let me say one thing to all you girls. Islam is a complex religion with many different rulings. Remember more women are in hell due to their nature of back biting etc. Alongside that make sure not to lie to your Husband, how would you like it If he lied to you. Be honest in everything you do like Muhammad (pbuh) did in his time. Honesty is the best policy.

  30. Assalamualaikum dear sist,

    Reading your post is just like looking at myself. I can really understand how it feels cuz I had ever been in your position. I had ever gone astray but Alhamdulillah Allah gave me chance to turn back to Him through someone. I extremely regret what I did in my past, at time I promised myself to never go back to that world again, I mean to never repeat the mistake I did in the past and I also sincerely repented to Allah.

    That someone who helped me to turn back to Allah was a guy I loved and we both had a serious plan to marry but he didn't seem to accept me fully. He also always took me to my past and it always hurt me cuz he didn't ever seem to give me trust that I'm now really changed. We fought quite often over the matters of my past, something that I cudn't help. Indeed that's just so true, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to be good now, he just wud never be able to leave my past. I always tried to explain and convince him till one day I was really fed up with us fighting over the same issue. It was going nowhere cuz it was my past, I wanted him to accept me as how I'm in present but he cud never leave my past. Till finally we broke up. Indeed this is so bitter but just trust in Him sist. Allah must have a better plan for us. "Fighting (in the cause of Allah) is prescribed for you, although you dislike it. Yet it may happen that you dislike a thing while it is good for you; and it may happen that you love a thing while it is evil for you; surely Allah knows, and you know not." (Al Baqarah :216). Whenever I remember this ayat, I feel stronger sist. Just trust in Alllah fully dear, He loves us and He will never let us down. May Allah bless you and give you a strong faith. Amin. remember me in your prayer sist.

    • Dear sister,

      Reading what you wrote brought some tears in my eyes. Its not fair, you know how men are. My guy is in a battle with himself and his religion he mostly follows his way and he says hurtful things to me like I deserve to die, and I am the worst woman in the world, and I should appreciate I have him in my life because I can never get better. I love him but he is too blind to see that, he mainly sees the negative and when you and your guy fought idontknow how bad it was but my fiance goes into detail with things and even throws low jabs like he makes an argument out of something non-existent. He calls me names and forces me to answer questions I dont want, and if I dont he will either beat me or threaten to beat me or insult me more and he has no idea how painful it is. But he gave me a chance to be in his life and believed in me and I believe in him, the problem is, Ive changed a lot and he still swears at me, his language is extremely vulgar, like mine use to be and everytime i want to talk to him about my feelings he tells me im being selfish for feeling the way i do and am not appreciating him. He forgets that i left my family, my friends, came to a different county and dont even know the language, his paretns hate me for the things which they heard and its a family fued thing too so its not mainly me casue when they first met me they all loved me. My father and brother think im a floozy now and they wont speak to me even though i was so close to my dear father, i have ruined his reputation and my brother is just mean but i can understand why hes hurt. My family wont accept me back except for my mother she calls me once in a blue and my one of my sisters and i ask myself this is the test i am going through because its rough, and my guy doesnt understand my pain he just adds to it.he kept me here for 3 months and wanted to see how it would be to live with me, and i told him it would be haram but i had no choice once i came here i couldnt force a nikkah. now he sees our troubles and wants one... i love him sister

      • Assalam'Alaikum sister,
        Committing oneself to reforming some1 drastically like in ur case is a huge responsibility Ur boyfriend should have known (ideally). One of the reasons y one would make such extreme efforts to reform/transform some1 is so he would b able to fit within the realms of normal world, in our case normal is islamic and i dont think he is a good muslim. I would first of all congratulate u for changing so much from what u were, but sister i feel great concern for u. U r in a very dangerous situation.
        Do u really think this man is a good muslim? Y hasnt he married u then? How can the 2 of even feel at peace if u do zina on regular basis (im sorry i assumed that coz u live together). Y does he beat u to punish u like he is carrying out God's job? He just reminds me of a freaky character from a novel i read ages back about this guy who loves his wife to extreme ends and then beats the hell out of her under the pretence that he had to purge her from her sins for jesus christ. I think he just wants to control u.
        Sister this man is not normal. Do u have an abusive childhood for ur past? A lot of ppl who were abused end up in an abusive relationship coz they accept it easily. Sister learn to love urself first and then thatz when the definition of love will get clearer 2 u in ur mind. If ur problem is more technical like u dont know where to go then u can take some time to figure out how u can escape and to where but meet a muslim counsellor and discuss ur problem in the mean time.

        His actions r questionable. He has to build trust in u b4 u can trust him coz he is the one who
        is reformed according to him and ppl with problem ( which is u according to him) have to
        trust the reformer first especially if he claims to love u. He cant just beat u up and say its a punishment from God.

        Both of u r confused but u r the one who could b killed in this confusion so b careful.

        My prayers r with u my dear sister. Take care.

        • thank you sister,

          we are making zina and it makes me feel so bad but sometimes i just brush it off and make it seem like its ok because he is my husband.... i know reality check, ive asked him to leave me until he decides to marry me but he wont. its been three months since i changed but i know this is the person i am suppose to be but hes scared that i will fall back into my dirty lifestyle, and mind you i did cheat on him 3 months ago because i thought he was and it hurt but thats in the past to me now since i ve been with him for 3months n have no contact with friends and barely family. he hasnt hit me its been a week n a half or so but when he did it he said it hurt him more than me...now he just throws everything i did to him in my face and makes me feel bad he even jabs at me with low blows and argues with me over nonexistant things.... sister there is good in him like he believed the good in me and i love him but i have told him i dont respect him but fear him. my dad abused me but when i was a kid, i had a friend that was abused n stop talking to her after 12Years because she wouldnt leave her abusive husband. i was never that girl and now im accepting things i never thought i would but he says the same he never thought he would love a nonvirgin and such a disgusting person like me but here we are today wanting to get hitched. sister you are right about the marriage part it confuses me also but he excuses himself by saying he doesnt trust n respect me,which i can understand but i cant understand why we have to live together. im an attractive girl 28 hes 27 i look younger most think 20-25 and with him i feel so old cause hes constantly said he can get younger and a virgin. i feel so ugly inside out. my family is angry with me and he blames me and them for my upbringing and says they should thank God a good man that will be a doctor soon and is good looking will marry me. he always puts me down and when i open up to him he makes everything about himself and fights with me saying im unappreciative. he took 6 months off uni so he can work n support me, he is paying for lawyer fees to keep me in the country as my visa is expired due to him not marrying me legally in this country,he is paying for language courses, and hes borrowing the money but throws it in my face. he tells me he hates his life because of me...but he wont send me back because he loves me. just yesterday night i told him my back was hurting and he accused me of touching myself and was disgusted with me, i of him for saying it and how he said it....sorry for the novel i wrote u sister

          i will pray that Allah give you all you deserve for your good deed

          • Sister Help,
            Please don't post anymore comments on this thread as they will be deleted; if you have any question then log in and write your question as a separate post.

            Thanks.

            Muhammad1982,
            Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  31. If you want more advice, you're very welcome to submit your own question and it will get answered in turn, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  32. Oh dear sister help! I had to type so much in order to help u see the grave danger u r stuck in and the possible solutions but they deleted it since we were communicating on sum1 elses post. I understand. I hope u ask ur question as a seperate post so that ur problem can get the exclusive attention and expert advices as it deserves. I have really prayed for ur ordeal to end sister. Im sure the editors will also see the urgency in it and publish it sooner.

    U take care and stay strong.
    My motherly instincts make me feel concern for u. I will remember u in my prayers.
    Assalam' Alaikum

  33. Ok I understand brothers and sisters. i just now get that i am posting on someone elses problem with my own..opps.. forgive me,

    i will post seperate under HELP.

    thank you everyone

    • Aoa brother
      After looking at ur story? Iam just thinking that men will still blame the woman for everything. Alhamdulillah I was always a virgin but I had a little physical like kissing n stuff with my ex. Iam still very very resentful of that . Whenever I think about it, it makes me very sad,depressed and reminds me of the pat that I want to forget. The thing with my husband is that when he met me he was my classfellow I'm school, he himself proposed me knowing about my past, as he was a friend n I used to share with him. Knowing each n everything, he himself proposed me, Infact he said to me that I'm not one of those low life ppl who taunt ppl of their past. We got married, it's been 9 years, I have a 7 yr old daughter and till date he fights with me on petty things, and in every fight it always comes to my character. When he's abusing me I tell him to fear Allah of the words he uses for me like bitch etc and the answer is always oh shut up don't give me moral lectures I even doubt if ur a virgin.
      Brother as I said u felt deceived by ur wife not telling u the truth before, it doesn't make a difference, my husband to whom I told everything clearly and knowing everything he approached me, still he doubts me! And keeps reminding me that u don't have a character n who knows wht you've been doing. Just tell me what good did I get by being truthful? ppl always used to tell me never tell ur past to ur husband to be but I always had the perspective that one should be honest when starting a relationship but still if ur being doubted for things u haven't done then what good is the truth?
      He doesn't even think tht all tht he's saying to is his child's mother. When I say u do t respect me he says if ur deeds were respectful in past I would respect u . After marriage I don't even talk to any male fellows and am a righteous person who prays and gives time to child n kitchen still he's always irritated by me he would start argument n screaming on little things. I just feel why he proposed me in first place ?id he had doubts he shouldn't have married as I already told him the truth but still if he didn't trust he shouldn't marry. Now I feel so miserable and depressed when in every other argument he does character assasination.

  34. Salaam,

    I was searching for some helpful information on internet and I found this website...I've read the posts of Amal and Akbar and felt it's really similar to my situation.

    • Daisy, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will advise you in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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