Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I allowed to take Khula because my husband loves his other wife more?

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There is a solution to every problem

My husband married again 2 years ago. He met his other wife at work and liked her. He then told about her to his older sister who was delighted to hear that he liked another woman besides me. His older sister insisted to my husband that he should remarry because all that I ever gave him was our blind son.

I had earlier sold all my jewellery that I owned so that my husband could setup his own business. He now has a successful business and we moved into a larger house. His parents passed away a long tome ago and his older sister had raised him so he was very obedient to her. When his sister got divorced (she is now 40) 3 years ago she moved in with us with her daughter. My husband could afford another family.

So my husband and his family sent me to my brother's house without telling me about what they were about to do. I slept at my brother's house but I had a bad dream so I woke up and panicked and told my brother to drop me back at my house. It was midnight when I returned home with my son and I saw that my husband was getting married again! I screamed and cried but no one was listening.

My sister in law and her daughter told me to leave with my son and never come back. But I refused to go and my co-wife who is a revert took some sympathy on me and requested my husband to let me stay. So I stayed. But my husband loves her more than me. He had twin sons with her who are now a year old and everyone loves them. But no one loves my son. Not even my husband.

He takes care of his financial needs but gives him no affection in comparison to his other sons. He does not even take pity on the fact that he is blind. My husband always favours his healthy sons from that other marriage. He hosted an Aqeeqa for them but when I asked him to host an Aqeeqa for our son he refused. He treats us equally financially but he always takes the other on trips and takes me no where.

He openly displays her photographs around our house (its a house which we both share, she has the bottom portion and I have the upper portion. My sister in law and her daughter live with me.) but doesn't care about me. He wears his best clothes when with her but normal plain ones with me, he even buys her much better quality jewellery, saying that he doesn't need to treat me fairly in this regard as I already have enough.

Just a month ago when I went shopping with his other wife he came pick us up and he greeted her lovingly and completely ignored me. He expects me to act as a handmaiden for her. I have to tend night and day to his older sister who still lives with us while his other wife stays shut up in her own room.

Ever since he married again I have felt no joy or peace my life. My son asks me about why his Papa doesn't kiss him like he kisses his brothers and why he isn't always there for us like all his friends' dads, but I stay silent and cry. I have nowhere to go.

My brother can't afford to keep me as he already has 5 mouths to feed including my two younger sisters who he needs to marry off. My mother passed away a year ago as her health was already bad and only deteriorated further when she heard that this all happened to me. My father had been in a coma since before my marriage 5 years ago as he had a car accident.

Alhamdulillah he is beginning to show some signs of recovery. Am I allowed to seek Khula because he loves her more than me? Is it a legitimate reason because I do not want to be deprived from Jannah's fragrance? I was told that a woman who asks for a divorce without a good reason to will not smell the fragrance of Paradise.

~ Ruqayya_25


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65 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum sister Ruqayya,

    I am feeling sorry for what you are having to see. The following words you said brought me to tears: My son asks me about why his Papa doesn't kiss him like he kisses his brothers and why he isn't always there for us like all his friends' dads

    My dear sister, I highly encourage you to give your son the wealth and treasure of Islamic Knowledge. Send him to a major scholar of our time. Remember that Imam Bukhari Rahimahullah was blind initially, but his mother's du'a brought his eyesight back. Remember that one of the greatest scholars of our time - Shaikh Abdul Azeez bin Baaz Rahimahullah was blind, yet the most knowledgeable - the grand mufti of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia until he died, even in the presence of the likes of Shaikh Nasiruddin Albani Rahimahullah. Look at the current Grand Mufti - Shaikh Abdul Azeez Aal ash Shaikh, he is blind, too. He still delivers the Hajj Khutbah and is one of the most knowledgeable scholars alive, and may Allah Preserve him - Aameen. Sister, also look at Shaikh Saalih bin Sa'd as Suhaymee, may Allah Preserve him. He is a major scholar held highly among other scholars alive.

    My dear sister, when Allah withholds one blessing, He Gives some other. He tests the parents of the child and also the person himself/herself to see whether they have patience or they do not. To see whether they thank Allah and do the best of what they can or they become angry with Allah and are displeased with Him. May Allah forbid this from coming to you.

    I am sure you are pleased with Allah, but sister, be a good mother and give your son what others have not recognized - give him the treasure of Islamic Knowledge.

    Concerning your husband, he is unjust in what he is doing with you. I know you have waited long enough and seen enough, but I don't know if you have shown him what will happen to him if he continues his attitude. If you have not, then read the following and find a good time to read them to him also:

    And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan­girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice. (al Maaidah, Aayah 3)

    And in Sunan Abi Dawood, Abu Hurayrah Radiyallahu Anhu narrated that the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: When a man has two wives and he is inclined to one of them, he will come on the Day of resurrection with a side hanging down [i.e. paralyzed].

    Ask him to remember that Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala Sees everything we do. He dislikes dhulm (oppression). He is oppressing you by not treating you equally. Yes, he provides you and your son financially. But that is not all. For example, Allah's Messenger Sallallanhu Alaihi Wasallam used to draw lots to see who will accompany him on journeys - finance is not everything.

    Please mention these to him. If he still acts the same way, ask him to divorce you, because as you have seen in the above evidences, what he is doing is wrong, and this is very much valid as a reason for divorce. This may put him in his place and he MAY correct his behavior. But if he does not change, nor does he agree to divorce you, you may take Khula. And sister, do not worry, you will not be falling under the following hadith:

    Narrated Thawban: The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: If any woman asks her husband for divorce without some strong reason, the odour of Paradise will be forbidden to her. (Sunan Abi Dawood) You have a strong reason, sister.

    (Please do not consider this as a fatwa. It is my understanding from very little knowledge I have)

    You husband has been an oppressor by ignoring your son for his other children. According to a Hadith in Abi Dawood, Nu'man bin Basheer Radiyallahu Anhu narrated that the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Act equally between your children; Act equally between your sons.

    Also narrated from him, Radiyallahu Anhu in Abi Dawood: "My father gave me a gift but 'Amra bint Rawaha (my mother) said that she would not agree to it unless he made Allah's Apostle as a witness to it. So, my father went to Allah's Apostle Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and said, 'I have given a gift to my son from 'Amra bint Rawaha, but she ordered me to make you as a witness to it, O Allah's Apostle!' Allah's Apostle Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam asked, 'Have you given (the like of it) to everyone of your sons?' He replied in the negative. Allah's Apostle said, 'Be afraid of Allah, and be just to your children.' My father then returned and took back his gift."

    But sister, after all of this, I am concerned about what you will do after divorce. You said your brother can not afford to have another member (in fact, two), though he might readily accept you into his house. Sister, look for getting married to someone else after you spend the Iddah after divorce, if you happen to get divorced (even through Khula). You can look for sources of earning from halaal sources in halaal environment, where a Muslim woman is allowed to work. You may even look for "work from home" options.

    And again, please consider my advise on teaching your son the deen: Aqeedah, Manhaj, etc. from major scholars alive today. Can you tell me where you live, so that I can see if there are chances to find such a sound scholar in your place.

    Many scholars, in fact, many Imams of the old have been so great Imams because of their mothers' struggle and their tarbiyyah. Please read the stories of Imam Muhammad bin Idrees ash Shafa'i Rahimahullah, Imam Malik bin Anas Rahimahullah, and many other Salaf whose mothers played a vital role in their pursuit of knowledge. May Allah make your son a great scholar from whose knowledge Muslims will benefit - Aameen.

    I pray that Allah makes it easy for you and gives you strength.

    Abu Abdul Bari,
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Salaams,

    I would say to you, you are not allowed to take khula because he loves his other wife more than you, because men cannot help who they favor when they are in a polygamous marriage.

    However, you are allowed to take khula if your husband is not treating you and your co-wife equitably. To me, this is what's really going on. A man, if he has two wives, is naturally going to prefer one over the other. The one he prefers may remained fixed, or it may bounce back and forth from wife to wife as time goes on. It's almost impossible to have the exact same affection for both wives at the same time because of so many different factors. That being the case, however, the man is NEVER supposed to give any indication of who is preferring at any time. Both wives should be treated in such a way as to feel that they are the favorite, even if it's not technically true.

    Your husband is showing preferential treatment, and it isn't in an "accidental" way it seems. He is not even trying to keep it balanced. It is an unbelievable shame that he has allowed this to carry over into the treatment of his own blind son. I want to assure you, sister, that your son being born blind had nothing to do with you, nor could you have prevented it if Allah willed it this way. Your husband should never have taken this out on him by giving him less love and attention, and he is (in my opinion) very sinful for doing so. Allah will surely hold him accountable because I believe Allah's mercy is more with the disabled than the healthy.

    Your husband should not be putting up pictures of his other wife in your home. I was briefly in a polygamous marriage and one thing our marital counselor told us was that the husband needs to maintain separate residences for his spouses. That doesn't just mean physical residences, but emotional ones as well. That stuck with me. When a husband brings photos of his wife into YOUR home, talks to her on the phone in front of you in YOUR home, or brings her over to YOUR home without YOUR permission, he is not keeping a separate emotional residence for both of you and that is actually a hardship for both wives, and very selfish/insensitive on his part.

    The fact that he has shown so much of his relationship with his other wife to you by not keeping it guarded has betrayed his unequal treatment to you. You are seeing that he is not being as affectionate and caring when he should be. I doubt he will change now if it's been going on for two years, so if you really feel that this is too much pain for you to bear I believe you can request khula on the grounds outlined above.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Subhanallah! We also see in the life of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. All his wives lived in separate residences.

      I also forgot to mention this hadith about pictures:

      Narrated Abu Talha: I heard Allah's Apostle Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam saying; " Angels (of Mercy) do not enter a house wherein there is a dog or a picture of a living creature (a human being or an animal). " (Bukhari)

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I have a question, as the writer of the post has mentioned, that she invested in her husband's business, by selling her GOLD...so if she gets khula, would she get her gold back, as she invested in it??

        • Salaams,

          In khula, the wife gets back her dowry. So if her gold was given to her as dowry, she would get the value of it back if it couldn't be replaced directly. Otherwise anything she has given in the course of the marriage is not considered returnable; it's more like a gift or charity to her husband.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Wassalam
            ok, dowry meaning what she brought with her, when she got married. or meaning what she was given by her husband's mother.... confused...
            sorry question might sound stupid, but i won't sound smart if i don't know the answer!!
            Thanks for help!!

        • Salaams,

          The dowry is what she was given by her husband when they married. Any thing she had that was hers before marriage, that she brought into the marriage, is hers anyway unless she gave it away by her own choice.

          -Amy
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I would say to you, you are not allowed to take khula because he loves his other wife more than you, because men cannot help who they favor when they are in a polygamous marriage.

      I am sorry but I do not agree with this statement sister. The Hadith that brother/sister Lawaris has provided indicates that if this was a good enough reason for a Sahabbiya to ask for divorce then it is good enough for us.

      Malik Muwatta, Book 28, Number 28.22.57:
      Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab that Rafi ibn Khadij married the daughter of Muhammad ibn Maslama al-Ansari. She was with him until she grew older, and then he married a young girl and preferred the young girl to her. She begged him to divorce her, so he divorced her and then he gave her time until she had almost finished her idda period and then he returned and still preferred the young girl. She therefore asked him to divorce her. He divorced her once, and then returned to her, and still preferred the young girl, and she asked him to divorce her. He said, “What do you want? There is only one divorce left. If you like, continue and put up with what you see of preference, and if you like, I will separate from you.” She said, “I will continue in spite of the preference.” He kept her in spite of that. Rafi did not see that he had done any wrong action when she remained with him in spite of preference.

      Wassalam

      • Salaams,

        The Hadith you gave is talking about equal treatment, not equal emotions, in my understanding. There is also a Hadith which states:

        `A'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allah used to treat his wives equally and proclaim,

        O Allah! This is my division in what I own, so do not blame me for what You own and I do not own (referring to his heart). '

        This was the wording that Abu Dawud collected, and its chain of narrators is Sahih. This is also the Hadith I had in mind when I said what you quoted from me above.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalamualaikum,

          Sister Amy is right. We know that Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam loved his wife 'Aaishah Radiyallahu Anha more than his other wives. During the last stage of his life, he asked his other wives and stayed with her in her house, where he breathed his last breath.

          Abu Abdul Bari
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • The man in question here was a Sahaba. It is not reasonable to think that he was being unjust-in other words not treating them fairly. [Astaghfirullah].

          It says 'preference' so it probably means preference of the Sahaba's heart, not preference in treatment because no Sahaba would ever be unjust to his wife in something that he could control [i.e treatment].

          My only point was that yes it is correct that a man is not accountable for his emotions in relation to both wives, but if a woman knows that her husband loves her co-wife more than her and it hurts her, then yes it is permissible to ask for divorce as was the case with this Sahabbiya.

          • so why is a woman accountable if she is emotionally hurt and doesn't want to live with that person?

          • why is a woman accountable if she is emotionally hurt and doesn't want to live with that person? this is so unjust that all you want to tell is stay with a non interested callous husband because its not allowed , where as islam is not that unjust and callous towards woman . A sshbia actually asked prophet pub if she can leave her husband as she dint like her husband and she was allowed

  3. ASA sis ruqayya,

    Sister if you want a divorce get it. You do NOT have to live your life in misery and pain. Period. ALLAH swt is merciful truly, there is an example of a woman that went to our prophet saws and asked a divorce for a petty reason and got it. To women that would say YOU cant get a divorce shame on them. You should not ever subject yourself to your husband whims if he could careless about you. He doesnt deserve you. This is an example of the abuse of polygamy and some men who use not an obligation but a privilegr and use it for their own whims. Sister, i am a second wife, my husbamd treats us equally eventhkugh i have more kids with him and have always had a separate home.He never is affectionate when we are in each others presence. Some men really disregard their wives feelings. If my husband did half of what your has done esp in regards to yor lovely son id divorce him in a second without a second thought. We all deserve respect . Sister move on.

  4. ASA sis also
    If you do get a divorce request alimony and child support. You are not a doormat eventhough so many women accept disrespect and ill treatment bcos they see it so much. We teach people how to treat us.

  5. May Allah's curse be upon this man and his sister, if they do not mend ways. I pray Allah gives you patience and make your son the source of peace and tranquility for you. Indeed, as someone said above, Imam Bukhari was blind too, initially. And of all the people in the world, he chose him to be amongst those people who will come together in preserving the life of Prophet (salallahu aialihi wassalam). What a noble gift that is.
    Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. You may consult a reputable scholar and ask him to talk to your husband and explain to him your rights and the wrath he is entitled to receive from Allah, if he fails in fulfilling them.
    It is very important that there is a mediator between, more so, a scholar, because they have knowledge and wisdom both, so that will really help.
    I understand it must be shattering for you. If he however, carries on like before, you may seek khul'a (if scholars deem it permissible) and pray from Allah for the best.

    • Saud, there is no need to curse them. You can answer without cursing anyone. Wouldn't it be better to ask Allah to guide them and place love and mercy in their hearts?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. http://www.gowister.com/islam-answer-9069.html
    Dear sister:
    I feel so sad for you, and hope all the best happens in your life.
    I am giving you this link to follow it is an answer to your question asked by some other sister in Islam, who is in the same situation as yours, her situation is 100% like yours. May ALLAH shower his blessing on both of you and the other woman who are in this situation.

    some of the facts from that site which I thought are useful and might help you understand your situation more. please take a moment.

    Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2128 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

    The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man has two wives and he is inclined to one of them, he will come on the Day of resurrection with a side hanging down.’

    Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 3 (part):

    3 If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice two, or three, or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one.

    (Quoted from the site i have given link of on top of comment)::
    Your Question: ….If i take first option to keep my marriage in the name of Allah and on behave of my 4 innocent kids, I see so far he treat us not fair, he more prefer on his second wife, and his new son than us. Mostly I have been ignored and so are my four kids. Kindly pls reply me on this , so i can put my self in proper ways according to the syariah of islam rule.

    Respected sister, if your husband is indeed unfair in the allocation of his time and his resources between his two wives, and you honestly feel that he is more inclined towards his other wife, you have the following two legal options:

    Bear the injustice of your husband, for the sake of your marriage and your children, in the firm belief that your Lord Most Just will take full account and recompensate you in full for your patience on the Day of Judgment.
    If you cannot bring yourself to bear the injustice of your husband, you are well within your rights to approach a Shariah Court and demand a permanent separation from your husband through divorce. Under the circumstances there would be absolutely no blame or sin upon you.

    Please refer to that site, your question is answered more clearly there.

    With lots and love, prayer, and good wishes:
    ANNA

  7. here are some rights of women to take khula and in what situation... http://islamqa.info/en/ref/1859

    Praise be to Allaah.

    I put this question to our Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and he answered as follows:

    If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].

    If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.

    If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.

    If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.

    If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse), or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.

    And Allaah knows best.
    Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen

    • sister anna, i always like reading your reples because you always hit the nail at the point. your advice are all good and you provide links (sources) that are also useful. this suggest you make alot of researchs to learn the deen. and with a positive mind.

      may God bless you for taking your time to help others.

      from my observation, reverts tend to be more religous than many of the muslims that are burn into islam.

      and from your name, i think you are one of them?

      or you are yet to be one of them?

      • Salam

        Thank you so much for appreciating my posts, I thought people where offended from me alot, as I am mostly stricken and straight forward. Alhamdulliah by the grace of ALLAH, I am a Muslim, from birth. I have been doing a lot of research on polygamy, khula and divorce these days due to my own personal interest, I am not in a polygamy relationship, I am just learning about these topics so I know what to do if I end up in a polygamy relationship and what my rights are going to be as a first wife.. 😀 I see nothing helpful as all wives get equal rights no matter how long they are married for to the husband.

        I am really glad that you enjoy reading my post, I try my best to make them as accurate as possible. Please remember me in prayers.

        My real name is not Anna 🙂

  8. Jealousy and grief from your husband's second marriage is a valid reason to ask for divorce or seek Khula. Whatever hurts a woman is a good enough reason to seek Khula.

    Had it been Haram the Sahaba would never have allowed Sahabbiya to seek divorce from their husbands who had taken second wives. Here is one Hadith below:

    Maklik Muwatta, Book 28, Number 28.22.57:
    Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab that Rafi ibn Khadij married the daughter of Muhammad ibn Maslama al-Ansari. She was with him until she grew older, and then he married a young girl and preferred the young girl to her. She begged him to divorce her, so he divorced her and then he gave her time until she had almost finished her idda period and then he returned and still preferred the young girl. She therefore asked him to divorce her. He divorced her once, and then returned to her, and still preferred the young girl, and she asked him to divorce her. He said, “What do you want? There is only one divorce left. If you like, continue and put up with what you see of preference, and if you like, I will separate from you.” She said, “I will continue in spite of the preference.” He kept her in spite of that. Rafi did not see that he had done any wrong action when she remained with him in spite of preference.

    Note that the wife of this Sahaba, Rafi ibn Khadij, had begged for divorce on two occasions, only agreeing to living with her polygamous husband when there was only one talaq left. Had it been haram then the Sahabbiya would not have begged for divorce twice.

  9. Btw Ukhti/Sister I feel really, really sorry for you. You have been though a lot in your life. Its depressing to recap.

    -Your father went into a coma before your marriage.

    -You made the biggest mistake of your life when you gave your own valuables to fund your husband's business. This was goodness and charity on your part.

    -You gave birth to a blind son (May Allah SWT have mercy on him). And to top it all off his father and paternal family doesn't even appreciate him in spite of his condition. They have no hearts. Its all stone in their chests.

    -Your husband could not keep his gaze lowered, hence he liked another woman from work. Astaghfirullah. Rasulullah (SAW) told us that if a man is attracted to another woman he should go back to his wife and have relations with her to drive off the thoughts of the other woman.

    -Your husband and his evil and horrible sister deceived you.

    -Polygamy. This may not be an injustice in the legal sense of Shariah. But its merely a permissible act in and of itself. Its neither encouraged nor discouraged. Just permitted. A Muslim man can marry a chaste woman from the Ahl-Al-Kitab (People of the Book) for all I care, but that does not mean men should stop using their Aql.

    Polygamy can be good in some cases and bad in others. Each situation should be evaluated differently. I mean if you have a good wife who loves you and you have no need to practise it, then why do so, however permissible it may be? You see when a woman is widowed, she has a right to be maintained in her late husband's residence for another year, after which the in-laws are under no obligation to keep her. But that does not mean the in-laws harden their hearts and do not act kindly to their dead son's widow.

    On another note yes it is allowed in Islam for you to seek Khula on such grounds as indicated by the Hadith I quoted above.

    -Its very concerning that your husband and his family were prepared to kick you and his child out onto the street on his wedding night. How pathetic.

    -Your husband and in-laws are quite brutally open about their preference for your husband's other wife and her kids. Plus your evil sister-in-law and co-wife are treating you as their housemaid. You have no obligations whatsoever to serve them.

    -Your husband does not have a heart worth the name of the organ. I mean when one has a child with a disability you are obviously going to be tilted towards that specific child (in the sense of exercising extra care, love and attention). Instead your cruel husband prefers his other healthier sons, in spite of your son's blindness and his apparent understanding of the situation.

    -Your mother's death. Of course life and death is only in the hands of Allah SWT. But you yourself said that watching you go through this led to a "further deterioration" in her health.

    Sister you have been through too much in your life. May Allah SWT grant you ease and comfort.

  10. Sister you do not have to live in this pain and misery. Please leave this selfish jerk of a husband.

    Allah azza wa jal is the sustainer. He is our source of Rizq. You do not need to worry about how you'll surivive after leaving your husband, for Allah the exalted will take care of you and provide for you.

  11. What right did your husband have to 'like' another woman whilst married to you? How could his heart stray from the woman who contributed to the success in his life. Why do good women all go to silly and selfish men?

    May Allah grant Shifa'a to your father. You said he is recovering slowly. Alhamdulillah. I will make dua for you and your father, sister.

    Your story has really touched my heart. And give your son a kiss from me.

    Wassalam

  12. This blog may be of help to you:

    http://polygamy411.com/

    It has helped a lot of sisters cope with living in polygyny.

    • Why are you recommending a Quranist blog to this sister?

      The owner of that blog, Ana, has no idea about real Islamic tenets which are inclusive of the concept of freewill. Due to her ex-communication of a basic Islamic principle she fails to hold her husband accountable [or any other selfish husband on that blog] for the grief and devastation she and her female followers have experienced. She believes everything in fate [Al-Qadr] has already beet determined by Allah SWT [which is true, but we humans still have freewill. We have the ability to differentiate between right and wrong and choose the path which may seem suitable to us]. But she takes her beliefs in a particular set of Islamic fundamentals [that too at the cost of other Islamic principles] too far and as a result she absolves the men from the blame of having hurt their wives and put all the responsibility of the blame of being hurt in polygamy solely on the wives involved, since according to her they have diseased hearts who can’t accept divine decree.

      Most husbands on that blog have cheated prior to becoming polygamous, thats why I do hope that these women step out of this ''test from Allah'' mentality as I don't know how anyone can ever live with a cheater. Ana herself admitted that her husband is possibly not even married to his ''other''. Once again due to her rejection of free will, she displays her utter contempt to take divorce in even such a context. And what is sadder is that women on her blog have been brainwashed into accepting her worldview about predetermined fate, freewill and divine decree. Ana rejects Hadiths and as a result can't recognise the effort the Prophet put into keeping his own daughters' marriages monogamous.

      I have tried posting on that blog but my comments never get published. I hope the sisters from that blog get out of their self-hurting mentality. I feel sorry for anyone who calls this abuse a test from God. The whole purpose of a test from Allah is to get out of it with your Iman intact. Sadly the sisters on that blog are making life harder for themselves.

      • Daagh, thank you for the information. However, the following you said was false/misinterpretation/misinformation.

        "the effort the Prophet put into keeping his own daughters' marriages monogamous."

        The prophet did not prevent polygamy for his daughters. The only indication people get of the contrary is the hadith in which he said "what hurts Fatimah hurts me". This hadith is taken out of context when used against polygamy for Ali bin Abi Taalib Radiyallahu Anhu.

        The reason for Fatimah Radiyallahu Anha being hurt was not polygamy but the reason was that Ali Radiyallahu Anhu intended to marry Abu Jahl's daughter, Abu Jahl - the bitterest enemy of Islam and the Fir'oun of this Ummah. In another hadith, Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has clarified this by saying that "the daugher of Prophet of Islam and the daughter of enemy of Islam can not be married to one man". This was the reason for Fatimah Radiyallahu Anha being hurt. This is agreed upon by all the scholars.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalamoalaikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatahu

          I deduced my inferences from the following commentaries that Truthseeker had posted on this site earlier.

          Ibn Hajr observes in Fath al-Bârî (7/86):
          The words “He spoke to me and he was truthful” could be that he made a promise on himself not to marry another woman beside Zaynab. And the same was done by `Alî. Otherwise, it could be that `Alî had forgotten that condition and that is why he proceeded with that engagement to the second woman. Or, it could be that he assumed the condition did not apply to him since he did not pronounce it himself. However, he should nevertheless have respected this condition as something understood, and that is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) blamed him.

          Ibn al-Qayyim writes in Zâd al-Ma`âd (5/117-118):
          If a man agrees to the condition that he will not marry a second wife, he is obliged by that condition. If the man breaks his promise, the woman will be entitled to terminate the marriage contract.

          It is mentioned in the hadîth that what took place is hurting Fâtimah and therefore hurting him. It is known for sure that the Prophet (peace be upon him) let `Alî marry his daughter Fâtimah on the condition that he does not hurt her or her father, even if that is not mentioned in the marriage contract. The Prophet (peace be upon him) brought up mention of his other son-in-law to incite `Ali to do the same.” The Prophet’s reproach of `Ali was on account of `Alî’s heedlessness of this condition.

          Well I will quote Truthseeker here:

          ''The above texts correlate with the marital history of the Prophet's son-in-laws:

          Ali: He was monogamously married to Fatima. After her passing, he married a number of wives [eight in total] and also took concubines, but not whilst married to her.

          Uthman: He had two wives prior to Islam. They left him when he reverted to Islam. He then married the Prophet's divorced daughters Ruqayyah and Umm Kulthoom consecutively in monogamous marriages. Only when Umm Kulthoom died, did he pursue multiple marriages again.

          Abu Al Aas: He was monogamously married to Zainab, despite being a disbeliever for most of his marriage to the Prophet's daughter. Yet this was the same son-in-law who was praised by Rasulallah [SAW] for being a good son-in-law ''who fulfilled his promise'' by the Prophet during the incident between Fatima and Ali.''

          And the main reason was that Fatima was hurt, hence the Prophet [SAW] said ''I hate to see her troubled'', ''What hurts her hurts me'' and ''I fear she will face trials in her religion''. Our Muhaditheen and commentators have concluded that this was about jealousy. This is why Imam Bukhari put this Hadith under the title of: باب ذَبِّ الرَّجُلِ عَنِ ابْنَتِهِ، فِي الْغَيْرَةِ وَالإِنْصَافِ [Attempt to prevent the daughter's jealousy].

          The fact that the woman Ali proposed to was the daughter of Abu Jahl was only a contributory factor, but not the main reason. This is evident from how this was mentioned by the Prophet [SAW] at the very end of his speech after alluding to his other son-in-law's promise and the fact that his daughter would be hurt.

          In fact if you see the entire statement it read:

          ...I do not make a legal thing illegal, nor do I make an illegal thing legal, but by Allah, the daughter of Allah's Apostle and the daughter of the enemy of Allah, (i.e. Abu Jahl) can never get together (as the wives of one man).

          The Prophet prohibited the daughter of Abu Jahl and his own daughter from being married to the same man at the same time. This is evident in the second half of his statement. This is because this was just a factor, but not the main reason. The fact that the Prophet mentioned it in conjunction to the fact that he can't make polygyny illegal is proof that not wanting to live in polygyny was indeed a main factor, hence he mentioned that. Otherwise the statement would have been paradoxical as that would amount to concluding that the Prophet was talking about one issue in the first half of his statement and then issuing a contradictory phrase on an unrelated topic in the next half.

          And Allah knows best.

          • Nice response to ana daagh! I just read her blog and i am thinking about staying away from it, because it will not help me much, if my marriage ends as polygamy, because I am in the favor of it. Alhamdulliah my husband has never cheated and is not willing to do so anyways, but if ALLAH wills he will marry a widow with or without children, or a divorce lady with or without children, because we have not intentions of having an illegal affair. (cheating behind first wife and marrying the second home wrecker to safe his first marriage or hide his affair). We are actually planning on this because, we are not having kids as of yet. it has been a long time but i have posted a post and it is waiting to be posted. I hope you can help me then when the post is posted and you will be able to know more about my situation there.

            I just need the right guidance as i have many of it, i have told my in laws, my family all about the situation and alhamdulliah they only worry for me and no one else :). remember my husband an i in prayers.

  13. How can anyone say a sister is being selfish for wanting to marry an already married man? You people, how you impress me.

    So the woman living happily the married life, with all provided for her, is the innocent victim. While the Muslim sister who is left to fend for herself with a child alone in this cesspit of a world and these times of fitnah, is somehow being "selfish" for seeking out a man via halaal means Allah (swt) Himself has ordained?

    All men should marry and marry again, this is the Prophet 's recommendation. There is no one on this planet the word "selfish" applies to more than the woman who would deny her sister out there marriage to her husband.

    To any sister who claims she cares about her Muslim sisters (and we have a lot of these on here constantly championing women's rights and so on), if you do not accept your husband help another woman out, outside of exceptional circumstances, you're a hypocrite, plain and simple. Or at least admit to the world you don't care about your sister in Islam.

    • I was tempted to delete your comment because of the "you're a hypocrite" statement. Just avoid the extreme rhetoric in the future.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I am not going to linger long over how you described women unwilling to live in polygyny as being selfish since its not like most divorced and widowed women are desperate to remarry or become second wives in the first place and its not like marriage is the only way to help a woman [most widows would prefer financial assistance over remarriage anyway].

      All men should marry and marry again, this is the Prophet 's recommendation

      There are cateories of Sunnah. There's Sunnah(Wajib) and Sunnah (Mustahhab) and there is Sunnah (Mubah).

      According to Al Subki, Sunnah (Wajib) and Sunnah (Mustahab) are the proper Sunnah in Istilah (religious context). Sunnah (Mubahaa) is the Sunnah in linguistic context and includes any action of the Prophet and his companions. These actions are not Sunnah but if one performs them with the right intention of fulfilling a Sunnah, he will get reward.

      The Ulema have stated that marriage takes the five different rules of Shari`ah, i.e. obligatory (fard or wajib), recommended (mandub or mustahabb), permissible (mubah), disliked (makruh), prohibited (haram)

      *It is obligatory for the one who fears committing fornication while financially capable to afford it.
      * It can be recommended in some cases.
      * It is permissible for the one who does not need it desperately.
      * It can be disliked in some cases.
      * It is prohibited for the one who does not need it, cannot afford it, or believes he can not be just toward his potential wife.

      The rules of multi-marriage take a similar structure to single marriage.

      However , this is the default rule of first marriage (Bold):

      * obligatory (for the one who fears committing fornication while financially capable to afford it).
      *recommended
      * permissible (for the one who does not need it desperately).
      * disliked
      * prohibited (for the one who does not need it, cannot afford it, or believes he can not be just toward his potential wife).

      And this is the default rule of plural marriages (Bold):

      * obligatory(for the one who fears committing fornication while financially capable to afford it).
      * recommended
      *permissible (for the one who does not need it desperately).
      *; disliked
      *prohibited (for the one who does not need it, cannot afford it, or believes he can not be just toward his potential wife).

      The Sunnah (recommended) is to get married once. When one gets married the first time he fulfills half his deen and does not need to worry about re-completing half his deen. It is no longer Sunnah (recommended) for him.

      Choosing to stick to one wife (monogamy) or having multiple wives (polygyny) is Sunnah (Mubahaa). If you do either of these two with the intention of emulating the Prophet (SAW) then you will earn reward in both the Dunya and the Akhirah. But they are not Sunnah [recommended]. That is why the scholars I have read from [these scholars are the most respected scholars of their time] say that the practises are not Sunnah in and of themselves and that the first marriage is Sunnah and deen by default whereas subsequent ones [if done without a reason] are just Dunya.

      Note: The above was the default ruling. If a man can not be just then polygamy can be Haram/Makruh for him.

      If a man is in genuine need of it then polygyny can be recommended or even fardh for him (and this means he will have the opportunity to fulfill the Sunnah of marriage and finally complete half his deen which was otherwise incomplete with the first marriage). But if you were lowering your gaze as the Quran commands you to or coming back to your wife to release your physical desires if you are attracted to other women [as the Prophet advised men] then you most probably wouldn't even be in that position in the first place.

    • "So the woman living happily the married life, with all provided for her, is the innocent victim." With respect to this statement, please remember the OP sold her gold: "I had earlier sold all my jewellery that I owned so that my husband could setup his own business." And tell us please what this woman wasn't providing to her husband that he needed to go and marry another woman? And treating his blind son differently is just?

      It isn't about the 2nd marriage--it is about the unjust treatment between two wives. Btw, I have to completely disagree that she has all provided for her. If her husband provides her shelter, clothes, and food that isn't enough. A father could provide those things. A brother could provide those things. A husband on the other hand has to provide her with love and care that a father and brother couldn't! Many women would be happily married with less financial perks to a husband who adored them, compared to a marriage with a man who gave them all financial benefits but no love.

      Also, you have no idea whether women here are living in polygamous marriages or not. I also find it hilarious to imagine that these men are running out to help the women that become their 2nd wives. If he is so keen to help out his 2nd wife, he would certainly not treat his first wife with utter disregard.

    • I guess you are using the want for "your sister what you want for yourself" phrase huh? If that's the case this sister doesn't want her husband to have a second wife and doesn't want polygyny. And this sister is not wanting for your sister what she wants for herself. You all act as if monogamy is not part of Islam when in fact it is. The Prophet (SalAllahu Alayhi waSalem) was married to Khadija bint Khuwalid (radi Allahu 'anaha) for 24 years before she died. And this was a monogamous marriage. Believe me there are plenty of muslim men to go around, but women are so obsessed with competition with other women you don't want a husband on your own. To each it's own. But sister you are selfish too for wanting another women's husband.

  14. Your story brings tears to my eyes sister :/

  15. My dad married a second time when I was younger . I don't think he asked my mom because i know she wasnt happy . I only knew it when he got a son from that woman . The boy is 6 yrs old and I am 15 . Of course we don't live together and I see my 'brother' very rarely but my father and mother are still married and he is not always home . I don't love him like my mom and i HATE that other woman although I only saw when I was little she was my dad 's secretary . Think my dad has another home and he likes his other family better makes me feel unloved .

    • It seems the people who dislike polygamy are also the ones who expect men to think of women as collector's objects. The root of anti-polygamy is jealousy, and jealousy is not like gheera, jealousy is selfishness and both men and women feel it for different reasons.

      If Allah Himself said marry one, two three or four, then brothers are allowed to marry one, two three or four. If a man is afraid he can't do justice then he should only marry one, but if he is positive he can do justice nobody has any right to condemn him or think less of him for taking two women into his household. In fact he should be praised for his generosity; he is satisfying the financial, emotional and physical needs of two of his sisters when most men are selfish enough to only take care of one woman.

      • Al Quran
        4:3
        "And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]."
        4:129
        And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.

        Polygamy has been practiced by other religions and cultures and Islam is the only one that put a limitation on it (max 4 wives)--it is in the Quran and not a man-made restriction. Furthermore, it also says that you should marry only one if you cannot do justice. None of the people that are complaining here are complaining about polygamy, but more about the treatment. I would say that if a man wanted to marry another woman and his current wife had no problem at all with that, he might wonder if she really loves him,lol. It is natural for a woman to have feelings of hurt if she feels that her husband is more inclined to another woman--but the test is not just for the wife, but also for the husband to balance this and make sure he considers feelings of all his wives.

        Also, fathers shouldn't be inclined towards their healthy children or their sons--so if a child is blind or a child is a girl, he should treat all children equally. If a man is fulfilling the financial, emotional, and physical needs of all wives, great! However, this poster doesn't seem to think her father loves her and the OP of this page certainly doesn't sound like she is fulfilled emotionally. Her husband took her gold and puts up pictures of his 2nd wife and they all live in the same house. Sorry, but this is not how polygamy was supposed to be practiced in Islam. The rules are stated because people do not follow them, NOT because they do follow them.

        Men who marry only one woman are not selfish. Maybe they are realistic that they can't be just and do not want to face Allah's anger for being unjust to one wife. We should praise them as well.

        • I agree with saba, the situation of this ruquyya is different, as she is being mistreated and her son is too. her husband just inclined himself towards the healthier kids and the wife who gave him healthier kids. it is unjustified, and since he couldn't treat the first wife and child as equally as the second then she shouldn't have have married. but when a man makes his mind set on something he does it, even if it will take him a fortune. and in her case, he wanted to marry so he married and mistreated the first one. I hope our sister get peace in her house, and joy from her son. May ALLAH bless her son..Ameen Anna

        • heres the thing, islam is a complete way of life, Allah ta ala left nothing from it, and perfected this as the way of life for mankind, polygyny is a part of that deen. Now people can say well its "its not fard" etc etc but bottem line is, ur husband may at some point want to take care of another woman, as his wife and if he can afford that well then its his perogative, we are muslims, thats how we roll..

          We actually have in this ummah some women want to wipe out this part of the deen, who want to pretend it doesnt exist, who will find any argument they can to make it extinct. seriously i have known sisters who have told their husbands to tell my husband to not bring me to their home again, only because we were discussing islam and this topic came up and i dont disagree with it.

          Thats how serious it has become you cannot even discuss it as a topic amongst muslim women without them slating and hating on you for it..

          you wouldnt marry a man unless he feared Allah ta ala, and was just and kind and fair and all of those things kind of things insha Allah,
          .

          • It seems you live in some kind of utopia where all Muslim men are true and just believers. Most men are unable to be just with several women. Thats the bitter reality of life. Even in monogamous marriages women are kicked, abused and burnt all over the world and they still marry such men. Its not in their hands. Its been written in their fate. And no woman has any possible way to know if her prospective husband is just. Many a time even those men who are outwardly pious are really not so pious inside.

            And as much as we'd all like to believe that our husbands could 'help' another woman by marrying her, then thats not the case usually. Most men do not marry divorcees/widows nor is it a necessary prerequisite in Islam for polygamy, hence the Quran says ''marry women of your choice'' in the verse where polygamy is permitted.

            And polygamy is not an encouraged act in Islam. It most certainly does not reflect on the taqwa of sisters who wish to be no part of it. Its mubah [optional], not mustahab [recommended]. Its not a virtous act in itself.

            And just because something is permitted in Islam does not mean its a matter of necessity or an article of faith. Polygamy is not the sixth pillar of Islam.

            I mean I see so much bashing of women with this line of argument that they are unable to accept this 'part of the deen' when in fact we do not see this line being used against the mainstream and conservative older generation who is unable to ''accept' the ''part of the deen'' that allows Muslim men to marry chaste women from the Christians and Jews. If my brother is uncomfortable with the idea of marrying a Christian or Jewess, no matter how chaste she might be, does that make him a bad Muslim?

            Anyway, do you know that if a woman's husband promises her that he will not take a second wife then fulfilling that promise becomes obligatory upon him? Yes, even after the Nikah contract.

            The woman could go up to her husband on any random time and ask him to promise her that he won't take another woman and then if he makes a promising statement then it would be required of him to live up to his oath, as Allah SWT asks us for fulfilling our oaths.

  16. Sisters, to avoid all catastrophes, write in down in your marriage contract that you don't want a co-wife!!! [If you don't want to be in a polygamous marriage].

    • @ Daughter of Adam,

      Earlier you said "Even in monogamous marriages women are kicked, abused and burnt all over the world and they still marry such men. Its not in their hands. Its been written in their fate."

      So does this mean that women have no 'choice' in choosing a marriage partner because only Allah chooses ones partner ?, or in other words, Did Allah choose an abusive husband for these women ?

      • So does this mean that women have no 'choice' in choosing a marriage partner because only Allah chooses ones partner ?, or in other words, Did Allah choose an abusive husband for these women ?

        People do have a choice. Allah SWT has given us freewill. But at the end of the day only Allah SWT's decree goes.

        We can plan and plan but Allah SWT is the final decider.

        And yes it is true. Women can never know if her prospective husband is just or of good character, he may be only outwardly good.

        • People do have a choice. Allah SWT has given us freewill. But at the end of the day only Allah SWT's decree goes.

          So doesn't it contradict the purpose of 'free will/choice' ? If we are given the ability to choose our own spouse but at the end of the day, Allah chooses for us, then where did our 'free will' disappear ? Therefore, to tell you about marriage and freewill, we are given absolute choice in selecting our marriage partner, we are also advised on how to select our marriage partner and whom to marry and so if we end up with someone terrible, then surely, the blame is on us and no one else. We cannot blame fate, since the choice was ours, it was in our hands.

          We can plan and plan but Allah SWT is the final decider.

          Not entirely true.

          • Man has free will but it is also true that Allah has already made our fate in advance. He also changes our qadr as he wishes. eg our conduct. if itis good and we strive we go to heaven and when we make wrong choices we go to hell. Allah knows where we r going to end up eventually. We are tested coz he is fair and wishes to give us a chance to strive and change our qadr. Or if u r destined to go to an ordinary paradise you can work harder for jannatul firdaus. That is y freewill is given to mankind.

            when we choose a partner we end up choosing him coz Allah planned it that way. Irrespective of what you wish for or what you want, your spouse brother Ali is waiting to b discovered by you and you will meet her when Allah wills. now whether you will like her or love her or not is not in your control. you might like her initially and marry her and then you might not like her at all. she might change drastically or just reveal to you what you were oblivious to initially. So its all qadr. But like we know that Allah also changes our qadr. So we must believe in it and pray for the best. May you please Allah s.w.t with your conduct and prayers and in sha Allah you will get what is best for u. Aameen.

          • @ Applegreen,

            when we choose a partner we end up choosing him coz Allah planned it that way.

            Yes, and the choice is absolutely ours, which is known to Allah even before human came into existance.

      • yes and so we all agree with Allah's will, but the point that u made that since freewill is given to us thus choosing a bad spouse is 'our fault' is not entirely true. some people refuse to see what is obvious and make an emotional or should I say a foolish choice by marrying a zani for example or an abuser and thus it is indeed their fault, but brother there are many people who were fooled into marriage by a hypocrite or their spouses changed. how is it their fault then? They neither wished for this nor chose it. So blaming his freewill for every misfortune is unfair.
        r u getting my point?

        How Allah makes people's qadr and how he disposes his affairs and on what basis is a matter beyond our simple intelligence. its ghayb. there is little that has been revealed and yet much that he has chosen to conceal. we can assume as much as we want but those questions will be answered only on that day and to those whom He will choose to see his divine beauty,when all the veils will be dropped between the Almighty and his slaves. That is every believer's wish.

  17. Qadr is a combination of free will and something we have no power to control. We make choices and are responsible for the cnsequenses. We do not do anything because Allah Has Written it, but Allah Wrote it because He Knew in advance that we would do it.

    Thing we have no control over maybe: we fall ill, but had no choice to fall ill or not to - a mosquito bite can lead to malaria, dengue and other such diseases - even this is Qadr.

    Without any doubt, whether it is our choice or not, nothing happens until Allah Allows it to happen. Whatever He Wills, it happens. Whatever He doesn't Will, it doesn't happen.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • We do not do anything because Allah Has Written it, but Allah Wrote it because He Knew in advance that we would do it.

      Yup, this is the truth. Allah has already written the name of our spouse in His tablet because He 'knew' in advance that we would choose so and so person where the choice is absolutely ours and so whoever we choose for marriage will always support Allah's 'knowledge' written in the tablet.

  18. Assalamalaykum everyone,

    I thank you all for your advice, in particular sister Amy. I pray Allah shower everyone, on particular sister Amy and brother Abu Abdul Bari, with tremendous blessings. I loved what brother Abu Abdul Bari told me about he mothers of the great Imams.

    Brother please pray for my son. He has become very sick and my husband has admitted him to hospital. I am very worried. Please make dua everyone to give him Shifa'a. My heart cries tears of blood all day at seeing his condition. We are still waiting for the doctor's reply

    And I am also expecting again. Thanks to Allah.

    Please make dua for me.

    Walaykumussalam

    • I pray that Allah Cures your son and makes him a blessing on you.

      اسأل الله العظيم رب العرش العظيم ان يشفيه
      I ask Allah, The Greatest, The Lord of the Greatest Throne, to cure him.

      Don't worry and pray to Allah for his cure. In sha Allah, he will be alright.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. A woman can stipulate in her marriage contract a condition that her husband must not take a second wife. It is obligatory upon the husband to fulfill the condition of not marrying a second wife. If he violates it the wife has the right to end the marriage.

    If the first wife does not state this condition in the marriage contract, the condition to not marry a second wife is still present in the contract if the custom (urf) of the first wife's family is that she be the sole wife.

    Because in Islamic Contract Law, there is a principle that states "What is known by custom is the same as what is explicitly stated as a condition."

    ‎The customarily stipulated condition is like the verbally ‎stipulated condition, i.e. it doesn’t have to be stated.‎ (5/98 of Zad al-Ma'ad)

    واٍلی هذا ذهب الامام أحمد ورجحه این تیمیة واین القیم وذهبوا کذ لک إٍلی أن الشرط عٍکن أن یکون لفظیا، وفی بعض الأحوال عٍکن أٌن یکون عرفیأ ، أٍذا جاءت الفتاهٔ من أّسرة یٌعرف عنها أٌنها لاتقبل أٌن یتزومج أٌن علیها زوجها

    This is the opinion of Imam Ahmed, founder of the Hanbali school and is further preferred by Ibn Taymiyyah and Ibn-Al-Qayyim. They also allowed the condition to be verbal (not necessarily written) or if it is the norm (urf) for the girl's family, i.e. if the girl's family is known to oppose having another wife next to their daughter. (Fiqh Al Sunnah, Volume 6, Page 231-232).

    فَيُؤْخَذُ مِنْ هَذَا أَنَّ الْمَشْرُوطَ عُرْفًا كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا، وَأَنَّ عَدَمَهُ يُمَلِّكُ الْفَسْخَ لِمُشْتَرِطِهِ، فَلَوْ فُرِضَ مِنْ عَادَةِ قَوْمٍ أَنَّهُمْ لَا يُخْرِجُونَ نِسَاءَهُمْ مِنْ دِيَارِهِمْ وَلَا يُمَكِّنُونَ أَزْوَاجَهُمْ مِنْ ذَلِكَ الْبَتَّةَ وَاسْتَمَرَّتْ عَادَتُهُمْ بِذَلِكَ كَانَ كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا، وَهُوَ مُطَّرِدٌ عَلَى قَوَاعِدِ أَهْلِ الْمَدِينَةِ، وَقَوَاعِدِ أحمد رَحِمَهُ اللَّهُ أَنَّ الشَّرْطَ الْعُرْفِيَّ كَاللَّفْظِيِّ سَوَاءٌ، وَلِهَذَا أَوْجَبُوا الْأُجْرَةَ عَلَى مَنْ دَفَعَ ثَوْبَهُ إِلَى غَسَّالٍ أَوْ قَصَّارٍ، أَوْ عَجِينَهُ إِلَى خَبَّازٍ، أَوْ طَعَامَهُ إِلَى طَبَّاخٍ يَعْمَلُونَ بِالْأُجْرَةِ، أَوْ دَخَلَ الْحَمَّامَ أَوِ اسْتَخْدَمَ مَنْ يَغْسِلُهُ مِمَّنْ عَادَتُهُ يَغْسِلُ بِالْأُجْرَةِ وَنَحْوَ ذَلِكَ، وَلَمْ يَشْرُطْ لَهُمْ أُجْرَةَ أَنَّهُ يَلْزَمُهُ أُجْرَةُ الْمِثْلِ. وَعَلَى هَذَا، فَلَوْ فُرِضَ أَنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ مِنْ بَيْتٍ لَا يَتَزَوَّجُ الرَّجُلُ عَلَى نِسَائِهِمْ ضَرَّةً وَلَا يُمَكِّنُونَهُ مِنْ ذَلِكَ، وَعَادَتُهُمْ مُسْتَمِرَّةٌ بِذَلِكَ، كَانَ كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا.
    وَكَذَلِكَ لَوْ كَانَتْ مِمَّنْ يَعْلَمُ أَنَّهَا لَا تُمَكِّنُ إِدْخَالَ الضَّرَّةِ عَلَيْهَا عَادَةً لِشَرَفِهَا وَحَسَبِهَا وَجَلَالَتِهَا، كَانَ تَرْكُ التَّزَوُّجِ عَلَيْهَا كَالْمَشْرُوطِ لَفْظًا سَوَاءٌ.

    "And it is taken from this (i.e understood) that, that which is conditioned according to custom is like that which is conditioned according to words...........And the rules of Imam Ahmed that the customary condition is the same as the wordy condition (one which has been stipulated by words) .......And based on this if it is assumed that the woman of a house or it is assumed that a woman is from a house where the man does not marry another woman other than this woman and they have not given him the ability to do so and their habit continues in this respect, then it is like that which is stipulated as a condition. And likewise if she is one upon whom it is not possible for another woman to enter according to the rules of custom due to her high rank and high regard and her loftiness, then the leaving of the marrying over her (i.e marrying another woman) is like that which has been stipulated according to words." (Zad al Ma'ad)

  20. Its been a while since I last posted. Anyways its been more than a year now. This post of mine just seems so sad and makes me cry and feel nostalgic.

    My son had been taken gravely ill and he passed away a few weeks later. My husband blamed me for his death, even though he never cared for him while he was alive, and just before the funeral there was a hotly contested dispute between our two families. My brother fought with my husband and his sister and they swore at each other and my brother embarrassed my husband in front of the entire neighbourhood by shouting out that he was a completely irresponsible father. My husband's sister urged my husband to 'punish' us. To divorce me.

    My husband in extreme anger then said to my brother "Fine then your sister is divorced, divorced, divorced".
    He said it in front of me. I never saw him or contacted him again. My brother merely received the official divorce papers.

    I fainted after I heard my divorce and I was taken to hospital only to discover that I was pregnant again. I just cried and cried. I will never forget my son that I once had.

    I have a month old daughter now and my father has recovered a lot and can now move around somewhat and talk. In many ways my life has been blessed and my widowed cousin has proposed to my father for my hand.

    I will never forget my son. Never.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Sister, I am so sorry that your son passed away. May Allah watch over him and grant him a place in Jannah, and may He reunite him with you and your daughter at your appointed time.

      I will keep you and your family in my duas this Ramadan, and I pray that Allah eases your burdens and helps you, your daughter and the rest of your family find peace and happiness.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Asalaam aleykum sister.First off never be sad and know many Muslims love you(even tho they have not met you) for the sake of Allah.As for your sons look at it this way Allah swt has taken him from you so that he can wait for you in Paradise.Be patient my beloved sister and know Allah who gave him to you will reunite him with you.I hope Allah guides your ex-husband and allows you to forgive him.What he did is unacceptable and he will have to answer Allah for it.Its his loss he lost an amazing patient wife.Most of us women would cause a scene leave him and make his life miserable.However, mashaAllah despite his un-Islamic conduct you were patient.Allah does not waste the reward of those Muslims who are patient.

      May Allah swt make your next husband the coolness of your eyes.May your next spouse give you love,joy,contentment and affection.Everything Allah sends our way in terms of people & experiences is to make us better.Its our choice.they can make us better or bitter.I hope it has made you better.

      May Allah swt make your daughter a pious,well behaved child.

      Indeed with difficulty comes ease.Indeed with difficulty comes ease.Allah never fails His promise so by His permission you will experience the ease.

      May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

      I hope we meet in Jannah.

      Asalaam aleykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

  21. Yes get away from it while you can.

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