Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He made me have two abortions – should I marry him?

muslim-woman

Salaam,

I have been in  a relationship with a married man for over 6 years, at first I didnt even know he was married and I eventually found out a year after I had started seeing him, when his wife called me, and I found out alot more other lies he had told me. I know its no excuse but I only started seeing him only because I was looking to get married and he also told me that he was looking for the same but I only realised after how wrong I was.

He told me how unhappy he was in his marriage and how he wanted to leave his wife and me being stupid fell for his lies once again, and carried on seeing him as I was under the impression that he was going to sort the mess out and come ask my dad for my hand in marriage.

Another year passed, and he still did nothing, and unfortuantely in the time that we had been together I had commited zina countless of times with him astaghfirullah, in my mind I kept thinking 'im going to marry him so it doesnt matter' but I knew deep in my heart that of course it mattered, and slowly slowly I kept detoriating spiritually.

Eventually I gathered up the courage to leave him and when I say 'gathered up the courage' its because he can be very controlling and manipulative and its only after I read about other girls in controlling abusive relationships, that I realised what was happening to me. I left him but he wouldnt leave me alone, one day I had enough and told his wife everything through which I found out a whole load of more truths. He was still sleeping with her and they were trying for a baby, but by that time he stopped harrasing me and I didnt confront him about it.

I got married a few months later but I still couldnt get over my ex and as a result my short marriage broke down. I got back in contact with him, and astaghfirullah rekindled our relationship. He told me how he wasnt going to leave his wife, but still wanted to be with me, and is going to get his nikah done to me asap, but I had to leave home for that to happen,and as I was so desperate to be with him, I accepted his terms. I thought that were finally going about things the halal way maybe Allah will find a way for us.

I left home cut all ties with everybody, and started living alone. I kept waiting for him to fulfill his promise and nothing happened. I would bug him daily but still nothing. He was great in the aspect that he would support me financially and be there at times when I needed him, but when it came to the subject of nikah he kept avoiding it. I started falling really depressed and anxious, and sometimes I wouldnt ask as it used to make him angry, and as I had nobody I couldnt risk that.

Nine months later he convinced me to rekindle my relationship with my family but not move back, which I did and they welcomed me back with open arms (well my parents at least). my realationship with my siblings arent the same anymore. I felt so guilty everyday that I was lying to their faces day in and day out about what I was doing. I then found out that his wife was pregnant and he was so casual about it. He still wasnt doing anything to marry me. I should have realised by then but no I just couldnt bear the thought of leaving him. I put him before everything. The month his wife was due I found out that I was expecting, I dont know why but I thought he would be happy but as soon as I told him he immediately told to have an abortion. he said he couldnt concentrate on the two of us having a baby at the same time. I was so hurt and started falling more and more depressed. This should have been my sign but I still couldnt leave, and god knows there were times that I tried. I dont know how I let him get in my head again, but I went ahead and aborted my little baby.

I was a complete mess by now and so hurt, watching him with his new little family while I sat isolated crying begging to have my baby back. I couldnt see a way out and this is when I started contemplated ending my life. He used to continue rubbing everything in my face, but I just dont know why I couldnt leave. By now I should have gone and never looked back but I just couldnt. Some people would call me dumb and stupid and thick but nobody knew I felt and how difficult it was for me to fight, I let my emotions get the better of me. There were times where I was able to stop contact but I would miss him so much, as I was so used to his company, and would then go back.

This became a pattern until this time last year I fell pregnant again, and the same thing happened. I was so heartbroken I dont know how I managed to survive this ordeal but I did. I just couldnt manage to leave him. We started arguing constantly, I left him so many times but kept going back untill he admitted he wasnt going to marry me at all, he used the excuse that he planned to, but everything that I done just changed his mind (leaving him, arguing etc). he says he understand the sacrifices I made, but they just arent enough.

We still went through the same pattern breaking up, and gettiong back together, till recently I moved back to my folks so that I could stay away from him for good this time. It still didnt work and now he's saying he will marry me, but I have to move out again. Im now standing my ground and not going to move until he does what he says, but he wants to keep us a secret forever and not have any kids etc.

I know some of you would say why even consider it are you really that dumb to, but the way I see it is, IF he does marry me at least seeing him would finally be halal, and the sacrifices I made would not have be done in vain and if were a secret now at least we can be together properly in the hereafter. I just cant see myself being with another person, but I dont want to die unmarried either.

I do regret the big big mistakes that I have made, and do sincerely repent so please dont judge me on that apart from advising me on what to do, I so desperately want to stop commiting these major sins but I need help on how to. I really need help on how to fight my nafs. Sometimes I feel I am being punished for everything that I have done, and I know I got no-one to blame but myself. Till today it still hurts like mad when I think of losing my babies, and I wouldnt blame Allah if he took that chance away for from me forever as I did take the chances he already gave me for granted. I dont know maybe im not fit enough to be a mother after all I cant even stop comitting zina with a man for the pass 6 years so how will I ever be able to teach my children to be good muslims when I cant even be one.

IF he agrees to marry me regardless of whether I move or not, should I go ahead with it or not? is it worth me being with him and become his second wife after everything he has put me through? I feel so scared that I would never be able to move on from him as any sign of a proposal or potential new marriage gives me so much anxiety and puts me right off and the last thing I want to do is get married again and have that marraige fail because of my feelings towards my ex.

sab123

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , ,

13 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister,

    I will keep it short and simple.

    He is using you for his pleasure and has been all along. And he will continue to do so. He will never marry you (which deep down inside you know) and just controls you for his self gratification. Hence why he requires you to leave your family and friends so he can completely control you in a isolated environment.

    You know he has lied to you all these years and convinced/manipulated you to have two abortions.

    You will end up lonely, isolated from friends and family and never be happy in this situation.

    Also it is unlikely his wife is aware of the exact situation with you and not only are you been hurt but she is also been deceived and manipulated by him. And if children are involved it's unfair on them.

    My advise is leave him completely and forget the last 6 years. Repent to Allah. Move on and enjoy your life. Then when your ready, get married and build your own family.

    May Allah guide us all and give you the strength to make the right decision.

  2. Dear Sab,

    You have been through a lot.

    My advice would be: you say that if you marry him at least you can see him. Know that he does not see you. He has never seen you as more than a mistress. You're not a human being to him who deserves respect and honesty.

    You say that at least you can be together in the hereafter- please don't restrict your life and herafter to this man. Would you follow him no matter where his hearafter would lie?

    I can tell that you are seeking repentance. Be assured that Allah swt Forgiveness is Greater than your sins. Be assured hat Allah swt Will look after you.

    You are harming yourself, hurting your family and causing grief to another sister. This man has shown you contempt and hatred. He has shown you that he has a complete disregard towards you, your family, your wellbeing and future. He has advocated all bad things for you. He is the source of evil in your life currently.

    This is not love Sab. He does not love you Sab. He uses you for sex. He will pay for your upkeep not because of love and honour but because he is satisfying his need at the end of the day. This is not a life. You can chose better, you still have a great chance to do so.

    What man tells a woman to abort her babies because it is inconvenient for him? Were they not his babies too? What man advocates destroying life so he can continue to benefit from you as he pleases?

    You have made some wrong choices in life but you CAN rectify, repent and start again. Only you can chose to do so.

    Don't say you can't leave him. You can. You can cut all contact and leave. Do it for yourself. Find it in you, to realise what a twisted situation this is. Do it to gain a better life and future. I think you're brave and intelligent enough to do this.

    Look I don't like making promises but I can promise you this. Your life will be better without him in it.

    • Assalam alaikum...how are you doing HopefulSis?

      • Wa aleikuma Salam sister Saba,

        Allhamdulillah I am well my dear sister. Life after divorce has been a challenge. I have my highs and lows. It's now been 1 year and 3 months since my divorce. I hated it when people said time does heal all wounds. I think time and inner reflection does change a wound into a source of growth. I have not re-married yet due to choice but also partly due to not meeting the right person for me. I've found a lot of comfort in my friends and mothers advice. The 'stigma' of divorce is very very small in my community. I haven't really noticed a difference.

        It takes time to process everything, and sometimes out of the blue you remember something and it can make you feel sad. But Allhamdulillah my happiness and relief has far superceeded any low moments. I look forward to continued growth and success in life and hearafter inshAllah. And I look forward to being a wife and mother when the time is right for me and I meet someone who can share a lifelong companionship and family with me.

    • I second this advice. Go no contact and heal, do not go back to this man and let him deal with the one wife and child he does have. It may take 6 years for you to get over him but it's pretty possible.

  3. Asslaam alaikum,

    Dear Sab,

    Sister, this man is using and he wants to isolate you again from your family so that he can continue to use you. He is doing this because he has always been successful in manipulating you.

    Allah swt will choose to Forgive you. No one else. And your forgiveness is not dependent on punishing yourself further by being with a man who uses you like one would use any object.

    I urge you and request that you change all methods of contact so that he cannot get a hold of you. Do not give him that chance.

    I would be grateful that your parents are there to support you. This is a rare blessing from Allah swt that not everyone gets in a situation such as yours.

    Sister, can you please turn all attention towards Allah swt? You think this man loves you, but Allah loves us greater than our mothers. We all hope to go to Jannah one day to meet with our Creator more than anything. Please think about what you are exchanging for this...is this man's cheap words worth not seeing the One Who Created you? I assure you sister, this man's impact on you is nothing short of what some drugs do to people. He has not given you one iota of goodness--and you have happily accepted it. What if a man actually loved you in a true way...just IMAGINE how that would feel?

    Finally, even if this man came to your parents and asked for your hand, at this point, I would not suggest marrying him. He is extremely toxic--it is just that you are blind to it.

    May Allah swt help you to see the truth and then face the truth with courage and the correct and necessary steps, Ameen, Thummah Ameen. Never stop asking Allah swt for forgiveness no matter how badly you may feel.

  4. Salaam Sister
    I have to agree with the other comments. He is and was never serious with you. The reasons he gave you for not marrying you are excuses and something manipulators are really good at: shifting blame on others.
    Yes you have made mistakes but from what you have written its clear your concience/ruh (soul) is longing for Allah.
    You know our soul belongs to Allah and when the soul becomes deprived from that connection it longs for some rahmah some blessings as food so you feel content. Only by remembering Allah and praying does our hearts find content.

    The other thing ive noted is you have lost all confidence in your self you have let yourself become a puppet in his hands. He pulls your strings and you dance. It has to STOP!
    Why? Because you are not somebodys object of gratification, you are not worthless, you are not alone and most importantly you are not someone without a heart who has no dreams, no feelings, emotions and aspirations.
    Sis, you are a human being a creation of Allah
    You are a daughter a sister friend etc. Dont let yourself be so low that you cant even love your self and see what you are worth. You need to start loving yourself for all the good you are.

    Leave him for good he isnt worth a tear that falls from your longing eyes. If you do get married you still will be in the same situation and will be left on the back seat. You will have to forgo your right as a wife with equal rights as his first wife and kids will take your place, then his parents brothers sisters and friends because you are a secret. You wont be valued honoured or respected as its very unlikely to come from someone who has no value of a woman.
    Pick your self up, wipe away the tears and say to yourself you are worth more then this. Forget the years that have gone just see it as a test and get closer to Allah. He will rise you up and support you. He will guide you to where you deserve to be and inshaAllah will give you someone in due time who will respect you and love you dearly. Dont waste time on him just think of it as a nightmare. I know its not easy but you have to force yourself or else you will end up in the same situation for the rest of your life.

    Stop all contact dont even explain to him what your doing.
    Dont fall back on his words theyre lies and you know that. He isnt honest or faithful
    Try and distract your mind in doing something you love
    Try and spend time with family and friends. Go out and see the beauty of life
    Attend islamic lectures and events.
    InshaAllah you will get over it with time.
    I pray Allah makes it easy for you and brings success and happiness in your life.
    Take care x

    • I personally think if he can betray his wife & still have u on his side tomorow he can leave you for someone else.dont go back leave him youl always be called a mistress.

  5. Dear Sab123,

    LEAVE HIM!

    Take a plane and run away from this jerk as far as possible!

    Sab123, you NEED to sort out your life. You don't need relationship and you don't need husband, and you don't need kids. You don't need any of these secondary things in your life. You just don't!

    You need to fix your primary life. You should start to become better Muslim. You need to repent to Allah swt.

    Focus on other good things that life has on offer. Travel the world. Experience other good cultures. Help people. Be there for people.

    Please don't give your source of energy and youth to someone like him. Immoral. His wife should leave him too but this is not your problem. Your problem is to put your life in order and not someone elses!

    Start to reconnect with your school, college and uni friends (good ones only).

    Go places with your family.

    Get a job.

    Re-build your family's name.

    Be part of your community.

    Be a good change.

    Don't dwell in to your history. What's done is done, and it is no one's business. But for YOURSELF: Cleanse yourself. Good or bad start to pray your five daily prayers. Dress modestly, learn and practice Islam. Always be under state of ablution. Gradually bring better YOU out!

    And maybe after couple of years, once you are mentally ready you could consider marriage, in Shaa Allah. And take your family's advice when considering a proposal, insha'Allah.

    BUT for now work on yourself to please Allah swt and internally feel the peace and harmony in your heart.

    Best wishes,

    Me
    X

  6. Are you still with him ?
    He is a fraud and making you fool. You are doing the same mistake many many times. He made you go to bed many times made you pregnant 2 times, and also made you do the abortion. He is just taking advantage of you by his sweet words. Better marry someone who can be a proud father of your child. Do not marry him. Leave him NOW

  7. Sister i agree with everyone above
    To tell you the truth YOU ARE BEST WITHOUT THIS MAN!! Cut all contact from him and move forward your only hurting yourself. These sort of haraam relationships are only heartache and cause only harm than good may Allah give you sabr and time to heal inshAllah. Also to make you have abortions shows the coward man he was. The truth hurts that he was never serious he was using you and i know your hurting forget the past and look for the future positvely. CUT ALL CONTACT HE DONT DESERVE YOU.

    • Reading this was painful to see what this man has put you through. He is toxic, this isn't love. He is selfish, and using you for his own pleasure. He made you leave your family, friends, isolated you so you had no one and then left you while he went back to his wife. He met you by lying about being married, and commited adultery and felt no shame or guilt, had no regard for his first wife let alone think about how islamically wrong this is. He persuded you to abort your unborn children so he could father children with his wife. Ask yourself, are these the traits you want in a husband?

      If he was unappy in his marriage he would have left his wife, he wouldn't have been trying for children with her, but he has stayed by her side and supported her pregnancy while he asked you to terminate yours. He has made it clear he won't leave her yet you are sticking by him waiting and hoping he will.marry you. You are giving him control. You need to have respect for yourself and open your eyes and see this man has no regard or love for you, he has no respect for you otherwise he never would degrade you by lying cheating and hurting you the way he has. Our have given him 6 years worth of chances please don't waste another 6 years and find yourself wasting your life over this man regretting your actions.

      He is a married man who will.never leave his wife. You have already sacrificed a marriage and relationships with your siblings. It's never to late to turn back to Allah. This man is no good for you and you feel now your life is over without him but trust me you choose to marry him or continue with him will be more harmful.

      You CAN AND WILL MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM, you need to trust allah and relaize it is allah who is the giver of life and you should trust his plan for you. This man has a life without you, one woth his wife and you can have the same if you give it a chance, but one following allahs commands and in sha Allah you will have Allah's blessing and be happy in the right way. You first need to cut all contact with him. I know this is easier said than done but this is the most crucial step. Change your number, block him from any social media and means for him to contact you. If he contacts you DO NOT REPLY and know it's empty promises. Remember a man who.loves you does not lead you to sin like this man has for years. Your parents have accepted you and given you a second chance embrace it. Use them for support. keep yourself busy. Read namaz and repent sincerely. Promise never to Contact this man again or repeat it sins. Pray to Allah to ease your pain and replace what you have lost with someone better and have full faith in Allah.

      If it is possible why not try going away and plan a trip to perform umrah? After all you have been through this would be perfect to take a break and re connect with Allah, The purpose of life is is to worship and please Allah swt. To strive for paradise not to please creation or this man.

      Give yourself time to heal. Once you remove yourself from him at first yes it will be the hardest most painful thing but slowly you will see what everyone is telling you and see how toxic this man really is.

      Allah is always by our side but is you who needs to decide which path you now want to take. Do you want to continue to depend on this man and continue to feel hurt and pain and regret, live in sin or do you want to change yourself for the better, turn to Allah, cleanse your sins and your soul and find a man who will truly love and cherish and respect you.

      First step is always the hardest. You can do it. AYou deserve happiness. Please open your eyes. Allah is giving you a chance to turn to him anf has exposed this mans true character to you. Its never to late to change your life for the better.

  8. may allah's wrath be upon those who have transgressed nd don't even care to regret for it.. indeed this girl is intoxicated by his sexual charisma..nothing more could be said...she knows it isn't true love n still she wants to be only with him coz of his sex......having said that he behaves rudely

Leave a Response