Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He is constantly making me look bad

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I have been married for nearly 3 months now. It was a mutually accepted love marriage between the two families. I have known my husband for about 2 years now and I was happy before the marriage.

Since we have been married, he has broken numerous promises he had made before the marriage and is always siding with his own family when they put me down in regards to cooking or cleaning or even working. When it comes to my own family, he expects me to stand up for him, which I do- I always do. But it hurts when he can't do the same for me. He always says to me that I don't help his mum like I said I would, yet he never sees what I do for his mum.

He has also now started to put me down to my family. He tells my brother that I am always spending his money and that I'm moody and stroppy and never happy, which isn't true. I work and I spend my own money because I know he is saving, but he gives me money and makes sure I spend it. I have explained to him why I've been a bit more emotional than usual, because of my recent miscarriage.

His bad mouthing of me to my brother has caused a huge rift between me and brother to the point that he is no longer talking to me. He then has started to put me down to my mum, who totally disagrees with this and is now worried about my marriage. He shows no respect to my parents, yet constantly reminds me to show respect to his family, which I have always done- even when I know his father is partial to everyone else. He treats me harsher than his other daughter in laws, but I have no complaints.

I feel so unhappy in this relationship. Each time I go home to my parents I don't want to leave them. I can't see anywhere to go. I just want to be out of the house as long as I can. He portrays himself as an amazing guy to me, but behind my back he looks for opportunities to put me down to anyone I know. I, inshallah will start praying and finding my faith, but should I stay in such a marriage that keeps me unhappy? Please help.

Thank you,


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6 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how all the talk and disrespect is taking a toll on you. The first year of any marriage can be very difficult on anyone. God willing the both of you can come to a mutual understanding and given time, things will improve.


  2. My dear this is the first 3 months of marriage, its only the begining.

    I agree with the above poster, do have a sit down with him, tell him how you feel about his words and talk about it.

    Living with someone and "liking" someone before marriage is a differrent beast. You will fight all the time in the future, its a garuantee, just make sure you are heard and respected and that is the most important thing.

    He is probably adjusting and needs to learn how to live with you so do have a good chat over dinner and inshallah you can make it work.

    Although- The issue of him talking badly about you to your family is a big NONO and he cossed the line, make it very very clear that this is not something acceptable. He needs to know to keep issues in your marriage in your marriage. The issues dont leave your home, and you fix it. This is how excessive drama happens and too many people get involved- its not healthy- he needs to stop talking to other people and start talking to you.

    Also, make lots of dua my dear. You are never alone, because Allah is always there to listen. Say the dua for distress, ( )

    Marriage is a lot of work, keep at it my dear. Communication is very important.

  3. and my old is your brother?

    is he a child? He needs to grow up if he is not- because he should be defending you and telling your husband to respect you and not talk badly about you- rather than encourage him. He sounds immature, just ignore him and if he is not talking to you that is his loss.

    He should ask you if he is treating you well? How you are doing? IF you are happy? and not pay attention to the negative things. Thats a real brother.

  4. You say you have no complaints. But you do have complaints - lots of them - you just don't voice them to those who bother you. Your husband and his family are walking all over you and you don't make a peep at all. It seems like they don't naturally have an instinct for how to behave like decent and normal humanbeings, so it's really up to you to draw the limits for them and let them know, clearly, what you do and don't accept and tolerate. But you aren't doing that, you are sitting passively in the corner and accepting whatever your in-laws and husband throws at you. Please stop doing that! It's not going to change your position, or help your happiness in this marriage at all!

    In a way, I understand why your brother isn't talking to you. Maybe he's frustrated and angry to see his sister so passive and tolerant of being walked all over, and disrespected. Not just yourself, but you defend his family without hesitation while neglecting to defend your own family when your in-laws shows disrespect to them. And even defending it, on top of it all. I would have issues with my sister, too, if she did what you did. A marriage isn't always just between husband and wife, especially not in cultures where the entire family of both the husband and wife has been involved in the marriage from day 1. Maybe it's time for you to stop being the defender of your husband and his family when they do wrong things. Maybe these people need to realize they aren't perfect and that they DO do wrong. It seems to me like they think they are saints on the right path.

    I disagree with Samira's reply. I don't think this is an issue you can just blame on the "newly wed bumps" that all couple's experience and get through. This guy and his family are laying down an agenda for this girl live by, and which she'll probably have to live by for the rest of her life if she doesn't act NOW to show she's not allowing these people to bully and disrespect her. As long as she brushes their behaviour off as some temporary, non-important issue that will eventually pass, she is probably doomed to be in marriage where it's normality to be put down and disrespected. Please don't underestimate the severity of what your husband and his family are doing to you and your family. You should talk to your husband in private and tell him your marriage isn't going to work if he's not going to stop putting you and your family down. Please don't get pregnant again before there's more stability between yourself, your husband and in-laws. Everything just gets 200 times worse when there're children involved.

  5. Mayhap I am not qualified to answer this, but something in this question reached out to me. I have been married three months too sister. Firstly congratulations on your wedding. I knew my husband for a year and a half prior to my marriage, and through talking we were already aware of each other before marrying.

    Things change though, sister. Before marriage it was just us speaking, and now I live with his family. So I can empathise with you. Like your in laws, my husbands family revealed some rather nasty traits with not a month gone - things like making fun of the fact I didn't know how to cook, and then making fun of the food I made, when I did learn to cook something I thought they would like. Things like making fun of the fact my older sister is incredibly shy (she just is bless her) and then being really nice to me, and trying to marry her off to a relative of theirs from abroad. And getting angry at ME when she said no.

    Things like humiliating me in front of the whole family. I got screamed at by my mother in law and nearly smacked and my husbands sister (who had made a complaint about me) was so happy.

    and I also heard my sister in law calling me ugly and making fun of my body and the way I talk (my accent is different to theirs due to being from up North), and then ignoring me when I asked her if I had said something to upset her.

    So enough about me, how can this relate to you? Well, from my own experience, I know that when you are in such a bad place, it is imperative you remain in contact with your own family - they're the ones who raised you. had my father s house not been somewhere I can go and be myself, and get some tips on how to survive, I would have left my marriage already - driven away by my husbands family. My parents are giving me strength, just as your family will give you strength. Never let them go no matter how much your inlaws badmouth them and try and sort things out with your brother.

    Try and visit them alone sometimes too, when I go with my husband, I can't exactly cry and tell my dad how unhappy my mother in law and sisters in law are making me as its still my husbands family, and it hurts him when he hears someone else say bad things. And he gets defensive - he is right to get defensive - I know I would if someone badmouthed my family (even when it was to air an grievance or to get some advice which is what I do)

    My husband tells me not to speak of our problems to my dad, he worries my dad might demand I leave him, but my dad is the one person who has always been there for me, and there are times i just want to wail like a child, these hurts are nothing I've felt before, having been protected so much, so I need my dad I guess.
    I don't tell my dad everything, but his is someone I confide in, and he reallu calms me down. And he gives good advice. Even when my in laws visit him, he is always kind to them and never lets on he knows what they have done to me.

    Despite this they keep trying to belittle my dad - when I say to my mother in law I went home, I nearly got slapped as I was informed, I WAS home, and that my husbnads family come first.

    So to cut a long story short, do not let go of your family (I mean Your parents) - they are the only ones who will be for you.

    The second person that is keeping me going is my amazing husband. He has seen what his family is doing, and instead of siding with them he is siding with me, (not in the sense he is cutting them off, or I am making him yell at them). It is more to do with how me and him communicate. The minute we came back from honeymoon, I told him his sister made me really uncomfortable. He did not believe me and I cried about it (secretly). So then I said I was not wanting him to side with me, but to please just keep his eyes open and SEE what was happening. He saw it. And since then he does not let me be alone with them. When his sister and mum yelled at me, he was in the other room (keeping super alert) and came in and told them to stop. They said I was turning him against them but I other than asking him to just observe them, I have not said anything else.

    Your husband seems to be conflicted I think and is the main issue of your problems. I suggest that you begin speaking to him. Form that bridge at least. He will be your strongest ally. Does he know how much your miscarriage (I am so sorry sister) affected you? Tell him. Also, see if you can stay at your parents for a while so you can get the rest and care you deserve. My husband doesn't like me to stay at my dads house because he misses me, but when I do go, we speak on the phone, and we can have in depth conversations which sometimes we don't at home (due to watching tv, housework, or dealing with his mum)

    If he moans about you spending his money, do not touch it even if he offers it. If he is giving it, he shouldn't be grudging, make him realise you are better than that. Make it clear that you are not his or his families plaything. You need to say no to accepting any sub standard behaviour.

    I find marriage hard, 3 months in, as its hard learning to live with someone, and we're learning. If I am annoying him, he tells me (he's learnt not to order me as I don't react well) and if he's annoying me, I find it much easier to be quiet and say nothing but in the long run it is me that suffers. He doesn't know he is doing wrong and it is better to tell him now rather than when you reach boiling point.

    You knew him two years prior, so I think that person you knew is still there. Try and talk to him, because it will only get worse if you don't. His family will not be able to interfere if you two are strng. Make him aware that as man and wife, you and him need to come first.

    I know I speak a lot about myself, but maybe from my mistakes and problems, you might find some solutions for you? Best of luck.
    Sara I.

  6. asalamu alaikum,

    i think you should tell your parents to intervene and talk to his parents and him. because this is not right. usually the first few months they tend to be sweet and after a year they tend to change. if he is like that during the early days of marriage can you imagine what would happen after a year or so? what if you had children by him, can you imagine what may happen? his family will make all the decision and you will be treated like a housemaid.

    i'm sorry about your miscarriage it must be hard, your husband should be their for you and comforting you. some men are insensitive, only thinking bout themselves. you said you got to know him for 2 years. some men are conniving, boastful, deceitful who only says to impress women but when the time comes they tend to be total opposite.

    so sister ask your family to intervene and stay for another few months or so, if you still not happy, and you see the improvement nor change then i suggest you take the leave.

    ma salama..

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