Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He promised to marry me but married a lady who threatened to accuse him of rape

What is this World?

What is this World?

Assamualaikum

plz for ALLAH's sake help me!!!

I am in a relation with a guy since last four years,our relation was pure and we were not physical n all it started when i was 18. At first he had lied to me that he loved me while it was just time pass for him but then he admitted it himself and asked me to forgive him and he also did tawba as he said he had been flirting along with many girls, he told me that he respected me but didn't love me and that if I wanted I could leave him or stay as a friend .

I prayed to Allah to change him and arouse feelings in his heart for me as i loved from the beginning and intended to marry him, i helped him with his problems both emotionally and financially as a friend and helped out of all the mess he had been in. His attitude towards life changed and he also prayed 5 times, i studied hard to get something out of life.

After about 7 months ALLAH answered my prayer and just before my results were out he proposed me n said he also loved me and intended to marry me ,in the meanwhile my results were declared and i got selected for MBBS in the same city where he studied away from home and since he also was studying so we had to wait for marriage!

It was going on smoothly though at times he expressed his carnal desires but I didn't cooperate due to fear of Allah though staying away from home we got many chances but Allah saved me from evil..we didn't talk much and met occasionally sometimes even after months partly because of my studies and partly because I feared Allah and it continued like this for three years.

He is good fellow and it was him who supported me and counseled when i lost my mother and things became tough for me...but as fate had in store for me he committed a grave sin with a girl. the girl herself isn't a good one, she firstly consented for the evil deed and even took him to her friends house for the same and then blackmailed him after getting physical and pregnant that she would allege a rape case against him if he didn't marry her in fortnight and that she will go to his parents house and collect people there to defame him.

She then even registered a police case against him. Since he is in final year and in order to avoid defaming his family name and harming his sister who is getting married and also under pressure from police who the girl had friendly ties with and had probably been bribed he did nikaah with her and later they aborted the child (may Allah forgive them for the same).

He confessed all this to me and broke down into tears,he even touched my feet for forgiveness, he pressed me to make a promise that I will marry a good guy which i couldn't and told he would kill himself to end the misery, i counselled him that Allah was oft forgiving and also reminded him of his family responsibilities.

He told me that it was a compromise and not a nikah and that he had told her and her parents beforehand that he would never love her as he loved me and had fallen into the trap of shaitaan at that unfortunate moment, after marriage he hasn't been physical with her and only visits her esp. when she threatens him and that he will divorce her but presently silent because he hasn't finished his degree yet and if his parents come to know they will throw him out of their house....

I came know about this few days back. A few days after their nikah she called me and heaped me with abuses and threatened me of defaming without even accepting her own fault. I have forgiven him but told him that he wont call me or msg me because whatever the condition but still i dont want him to fall into sin as he is now a married man and i told him i was still willing to marry him still but only after his parents approach mine which can happen only after my degree is completed which will take 3 more yrs

But he says he cant live without talking to me and wants me to have a secret nikah with him so that we talk in a halal way at least till i can marry him publicly I am confused what to do???? We really love each other and I fear to leave him. i didn't agree to the secret nikah but he said that he will persuade my younger brother who is 21 to be my Wali and that we will renew our marriage after few years when i'm done with my studies.would it be halal in such a case???

Moreover if he divorces her would that sin come on me, i'm already depressed because of the sins i committed being in a relation with a non-mehram man. He also says that the girl he has married under pressure is five years older then him and was a drug trafficker (which slipped from her tongue once) and probably was not a virgin (Allahu A'lam)

I would have no problem to share my husband with a second woman as its allowed in islam but she is westernised hell, abusive, and i doubt her faithfulness.

Moreover i fear dignity of my parents as people make rumours that i have poisoned a married man's life without knowing the truth. He tells me that he will take me to his home and that woman would be able to do nothing even if she comes he can divorce her easily.

plz advice

~ Aalia

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33 Responses »

  1. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu

    SubhanAllah.

    Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji'oon (Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return).

    Islam forbids a woman to get married without a wali (guardian), and it regards a marriage contract done without a wali as invalid.

    You do not have the rights to arrange your own marriage without the permission of your wali (guardian).

    the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2085; al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Ibn Maajah, 1881, from the hadeeth of Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    The woman’s guardian is her father; then her paternal grandfathers, no matter how far the line of ascent reaches; then her son and his sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches (this applies if she has a son); then her (full) brother through her father and mother; then her (half) brother through her father only; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then her paternal uncles; then their children, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then the father’s paternal uncles; then the ruler. (al-Mughni 9/355).

    Just imagine how much pain you would bring to your parents if you do this.

    You should leave him alone.

    You said the girl herself isn't a good one,
    what about the guy ? is he good ?
    you say that "she firstly consented for the evil deed and even took him to her friends house for the same and then blackmailed him after getting physical and pregnant that she would allege a rape case against him"

    so if tomorrow some other girl gives her consent will he go and have zina with her also ?

    To me it seems like your lost in his love and you listen to most of the things what he is saying to you.

    You should leave that guy. stop communicating with him. I don't feel he is up to good. He may ruin your life.
    Be careful.
    & marry a pious man

    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  2. Sister, he isn't for you then. As hard as it is to accept it at first, one day, you'll be thankful it happened.

    What if you did get married to him, and all it caused you was misery?

    Pray to Allah to find you a great person to spend the rest of your life with.

  3. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    I see that you are extremely blinded by infatuation or lust or possibly low self-esteem or low self-respect or whatever you want to call it but its neither something pure/healthy nor is it 'love with Allah's blessing' and so rest assured, you are dealing with the cheif executive deceiver satan. You are in a situation where if you just use your God-gifted brain properly, you would do what a muslimah or a sane humanbeing would do. What I see from your post is that, you are in a situation where Allah is guiding you (when you always fear Allah) and satan is calling you (your relationship with that evil man) and the many red flags are very obvious and clear and yet you do not wish to heed Allah's call and stop this illicit relationship once and for all. Somehow, you are covering that man's fault as if he is innocent and his wife is the devil. To me you are turning a blind eye on him.

    I am in a relation with a guy since last four years,our relation was pure and we were not physical n all it started when i was 18.

    But now I hope that people should realize that no matter if a relationship is physical or not, haram is haram and once two non-mahrams are together before marriage, it is considered impure and immoral and negative consequences would pile up one by one and before you even realize, all would come down crushing on your head and some wants suicide, some depressed, some confused etc etc and thats why Allah said " whatever evil befalls you is because of your own doings ".

    Sister you said, "At first he had lied to me that he loved me while it was just time pass for him", "he had been flirting along with many girls ", "he committed a grave sin with a girl" etc and then you also said "He is good fellow" ? You see where the problem is now sis ? Furthermore, he knows many ways to twist Islam and surely that is the hand works of satan when you said, "he wants me to have a secret nikah with him so that we talk in a halal way at least till i can marry him publicly I am confused what to do???? We really love each other and I fear to leave him. i didn't agree to the secret nikah but he said that he will persuade my younger brother who is 21 to be my Wali and that we will renew our marriage after few years when i'm done with my studies.would it be halal in such a case???", subhana'Allah by this I see that he is using Islam to persue his evil agenda when Islam clearly states that " there is no marriage without father's permission " and " a marriage without wali is void void void " and "only the immoral woman marries without wali ". So to answer you, no your younger brother cannot be your wali and it is haram.

    the girl herself isn't a good one, she firstly consented for the evil deed and even took him to her friends house for the same and then blackmailed him after getting physical and pregnant that she would allege a rape case against him if he didn't marry her in fortnight

    Do you honestly believe this story told by your 'bf' ? Yes the girl isn't a good person AND neither is your 'bf' as they both wholeheartedly consented to fornicate and they went on their evil journey and it is highly possible that he is lying to you.

    I would have no problem to share my husband with a second woman as its allowed in islam but she is westernised hell, abusive, and i doubt her faithfulness.

    Sister, I call on you to respect yourself as a woman, Allah honours us and so we should respect ourself. Don't be such a low person. Be a strong woman and you deserve better insha'Allah. You seem to be tough on that woman but are you refusing to believe that your 'bf' is same as that woman ? You said she maybe unfaithfull or possibly not virgin before, well you must be very aware that your 'bf' is also unfaithfull when he flirted with many girls earlier and even slept with this woman (don't think its out of the blue), and so now your 'bf' is no more a virgin instead a fornicator. Well Allah said, believers are not allowed to marry fornicator.

    Many times in your post, you used "he said", "he said", "he told me" etc, it is highly possible that he is lying to you. Atleast I think so after what he has done. He doesn't fear Allah, he even wished to be intimate with you which alhamdulilah you avoided, he slept with a woman, he flirts around, abortion, he tried to deceive you and Allah (he will never succeed) etc. Why don't you obey Allah and fear Allah more. Stop this illicit dirty filthy relationship and repent sincerely for the sins you've committed. How can you think of marrying such a jerk ? Your repentance would be of totally no use if you keep in touch with that man. Pray 5 times and ask Allah to give you a better man. Pray istikhara before marriage.

    "Satan promises them and arouses false desire in them. But Satan does not promise them except delusion. The refuge of those will be Hell, and they will not find from it an escape." (Quran 4:120-121)

    • Alhamdulillah
      Word for Word so very true.

      Sister listen to the brother, I think you can't get better advice or sense put in words.

    • ALLAHU AKBAR! the last aya't

      and Masha'ALLAH nice response and Masha ALLAH you posses great knowledge of Islam Brother

  4. Sr. Alhmdulillah you have your education and still young. Don't marry him. What you described is so unislamic in every sense. Leave him. Focus on Allah, your parents, and you. Get a good job in the meantime and continue with your studies. Ask Allah for a righteous pious muslim who's heart is filled with taqwa. Repent. Make sincer tawbah and enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil and leave all acts of haram.

    Start a new chapter in your life right now. Allah through His mercy is giving you a new lease on life again, so take advantage of it. Use your time wisely and thank Allah for everything in your life

    Salam

  5. Move on trust me the way your talking about your b/f or who ever he is , he is lying to you if he love you and respect you, he wouldn't have sex with someone else. And he is tilling you what you wanna hear. He is bad/ guilty just like the lady who he slept with. Move on insallah you will find a better guy way better then this loser. I just don't understand why must Muslim girls are not smart enough to open there eyes and see the truth.

  6. Sister,

    With all the many brothers the world over, why on earth would you settle for this guy? He lies, he is deceitful, asks you to do a secret Nikah? Wake up girl...you get one go around in life, don't waste it on a guy like this or you will have regrets for the rest of your days!

    Salam

  7. Reply to علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎

    السلام عليكم و رحمة الله

    Masha'allah what a reply Sir. ...... I could not stop myself from reading your reply word by word till the end. I am so happy and surprised by your intellect and the way you looked at it. Alhamdulillah Allah has given you very good knowledge and wisdom.

    May Allah increase all of us in knowledge and wisdom to understand and differenciate between the right and wrong.

    Coming to Sister Aalia : believe me Sister, do what brother Ali Bin Abdullah has advised. You will not find a better advice. We pray for guidance in your life and May Allah find a better person as your life partner. Aameen.

    • و عليكم‎ ‎السلام‎ ‎و رحمة الله وبركاته‎,‎

      جزاك اللهُ خيراً

      الله يعطيك‎ ‎الف عافيه ‎

  8. aslkm dear sister y r u making fool out f urself .... 1st f all if he loved u no matter what type f situation the girl created to seduce him towards her he would have controlled himself .... by now u should understand dat allah has decided something far far better for u so don't get into all dis .... jus move frwrd in life i knw its easy to tell but it isn't all that hard as u think jus giv it a try

  9. @Aalia -Have you stopped contacting him ?

  10. assalaamualaikum
    jaza kallaahul khair
    please pray for me i am trying my best
    but what hurts me is that after all this i still love him i still feel for the him and problems he has got himself into but the thing i fear most is what if i marry a pious man by love for him doesn't go???

  11. i have decided to let go.....
    i hope Allah gives me something better....
    its certainly far far better to have Allah pleased with than a mortal soul....
    i thank Allah for helping me to see clear through this dark plot Alhamdulillaah...
    and i wish good for u all for giving me your precious time and advice...may Allah bless all of you with faith,health,happiness and peace.. Aameen
    Plz do pray for me....

  12. i pray to my lord incessantly to forgive my sins...i hope he forgives me
    i request all of brothers and sisters here to ask ALLAH to forgive to me because my sins are weighing me down and it feels i can't breathe....
    i am a sinner ashamed of all i did and i desire only his forgiveness....if only he will forgive ...if he will look at his slave.....
    please pray to him for me...

    • Assalam'alaykum,

      Masha'Allah alhamdullilah that you left that man. Allah will give you someone you deserve insha'Allah. Now make yourself busy with worship, zikr, tawbah etc and purify yourself with constant repentance. Insha'Allah you will succeed in life. That 'love' will fade away with time and in the future you will laugh about it.

      Allah said: "Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves." (Quran 2:222)

      Allah said: “Say: O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Sûrah al-Zumar: 53]

      Allah said: “Unless he repents, believes, and works righteous deeds, for Allah will change the evil of such persons into good, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful,” [Sûrah al-Furqân: 70]

      Allah said: “Establish worship at the two ends of the day and in some watches of the night. Lo! Good deeds annul evil deeds. This is reminder for the mindful.” [Sûrah Hûd: 114]

      Allah said “If you shun the most heinous sins which you are forbidden, We will do away with your small sins and admit you to a gate of great honor.” [Sûrah al-Nisâ’: 31]

    • @Aalia

      Alhamdulillah.
      barakAllahu feek.

      good that you decided to let go.

      Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will compensate him with something better than it.

      focus on learning more about Islam. start practicing it.

      Here is a link for you.
      abdurrahman(dot)org/ [replace (dot) by . in the link and paste and search in the address bar]
      Also, if you go to that website and scroll little down, then inshaAllah you will find a section dedicated for "Muslim Sisters".

      make sincere repentance to Allah.

      when ever you feel like the thoughts of that guy are coming into your mind (which could be whispers of the shaitan) then seek refuge in Allah

      Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “And if an evil whisper from shaytaan (satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allaah. Verily, He is the All‑Hearer, the All‑Knower”
      [Fussilat 41:36].

      say أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم (I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed shaytaan).

      ask Allah to give you a pious husband. it is easy for HIM. subhanAllah.
      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  13. salaam
    i don't understand what really is happening!!
    now after i quit and let it go..a hell lot has happened in these couple of days!!
    that girl is threatening me on phone because her husband doesnt accept her when i already told that guy in her presence to forget about me and stay away...
    what more can i do????
    and all i get in return is a threat that she is gonna tell my parents and that she will go to my native place and tell people that i am coming in between her and her husband(was it really me who came in between,while she was the one who knew i was in the life of that guy when she did the illicit deed,while i was ignorant)
    that i am home breaker...
    now what am i supposed to do!!??
    some guy who calls himself her brother threatens me on the phone...quotes phone no. and address of my father ,calls my roomate....i have gone crazy..
    i heard that the girl assaulted her so called husband and gave him a fractured bone...
    she has got links to high profile people..dats how she got so much info about me by just a no.
    now where am i wrong and what am i supposed to do!!!!!??????
    :'(

    • Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

      Sister be calm and patient.
      Call up that girl.Ask her what should you do ? Tell her now that you both are married I do not wish to come in between you both. Tell her that you are sincere in what you are saying. Do not get angry or shout at her. Tell her calmly.

      maybe that girl is concerned about saving her marriage. She is afraid that you can take her husband away from her. Look this from her side.

      u said "(was it really me who came in between,while she was the one who knew i was in the life of that guy when she did the illicit deed,while i was ignorant)" -
      Allah knows best what happened.

      I ask you, can you clap with just one hand ? No right! The guy also agreed to do zina with her. So don't just blame her. This is what I can think off.

      Let me know if this was helpful.

      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  14. i did talk to her!!!
    her husband doesnt accept her now how in the world can i make that guy love her???
    and the facts that i said are true because when i talked to her she also accepted that she and her parents had compelled that guy to marry her and he had told her about me at the beggining. ....
    i'm getting mad..:(
    in three days time i am having my prof. exams and my life is total wreck.....:'(

    • what does she want from you?
      you should cut all contacts with that guy. Do not meet him . Maybe you should even change your number.
      let him cry or do what ever he wants. Don't get emotional about it and try to help him which could lead you to fall into the traps of the shaitan.

      Allah knows best.

      Ignore that man completely. Did you speak with her again ?

      earlier you said "It was going on smoothly though at times he expressed his carnal desires but I didn't cooperate due to fear of Allah though staying away from home we got many chances but Allah saved me from evil.."
      alhamdulillah that you are saved.

      he has already spoiled many things. cut all contacts with him. Leave him alone.
      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  15. assalaamualaikum
    i have left him
    but i have a question that pinches me.since the begining i loved him a lot and had made a promise to Allah that i would marry him and no one else if i didn't succeed in changing him
    n now since i have left him would i be sinner in breaking my promise???
    and can i marry someone else if my father finds a groom for me???
    will Allah forgive me??
    n should i reveal it to my husband if i ever marry

    • now since i have left him would i be sinner in breaking my promise???

      The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever swears an oath then sees that something else is better than it, let him do that which is better and let him offer expiation for his oath.” (Muslim)

      and can i marry someone else if my father finds a groom for me???

      Yes

      will Allah forgive me??

      Insha'Allah yes

      n should i reveal it to my husband if i ever marry

      No

    • Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

      BarakAllahu feek (may Allah bless you) sister.

      you asked"n now since i have left him would i be sinner in breaking my promise???"

      The expiation for breaking an oath consists of options in the order in which Allaah mentioned them in Soorat al-Maa’idah, where He says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “Allaah will not punish you for what is unintentional in your oaths, but He will punish you for your deliberate oaths; for its expiation (a deliberate oath) feed ten Masaakeen (poor persons), on a scale of the average of that with which you feed your own families, or clothe them or manumit a slave. But whosoever cannot afford (that), then he should fast for three days. That is the expiation for the oaths when you have sworn. And protect your oaths (i.e. do not swear much). Thus Allaah makes clear to you His Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) that you may be grateful”

      [al-Maa'idah 5:89]

      So he should choose one of these three options and do it: feeding ten poor person with the average kind of food that he feeds his family, or clothing them, or freeing a slave. The one who does one of these things has fulfilled his duty and done what was required of him. If he is unable to do any of these three things, then he moves to the option of fasting, and he must fast three days.

      It is not permissible to move to the option of fasting when one is able to feed or clothe poor persons or free a slave, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “But whosoever cannot afford (that), then he should fast for three days.”

      you asked "and can i marry someone else if my father finds a groom for me???"
      -Yes in sha Allah.

      you asked "n should i reveal it to my husband if i ever marry"
      -Make sincere repentance to Allah .
      Ask Allah to conceal you sins.
      Do not make the mistake of telling him about that.
      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  16. thanx brother
    jazakallaahul khayran
    can i fast as an expitiation or can you please suggest something better

    • Wa iyyaka.

      Yea insha'Allah you should fast for 3 consecutive days and make constant sincere tawbah, be regular in prayers and never repeat the mistake insha'Allah.

      • @علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎

        When fasting for kafaarat al-yameen (expiation for breaking an oath), do the three days have to be consecutive?.

        Praise be to Allaah.
        When fasting for kafaarat al-yameen, the three days do not have to be consecutive. If you fast them separately, that is sufficient, because of the general meaning of the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

        “Allaah will not punish you for what is unintentional in your oaths, but He will punish you for your deliberate oaths; for its expiation (a deliberate oath) feed ten Masaakeen (poor persons), on a scale of the average of that with which you feed your own families, or clothe them or manumit a slave. But whosoever cannot afford (that), then he should fast for three days…”

        [al-Maa’idah 5:89]

        Allaah did not stipulate that they must be consecutive.

        Ibn Hazm said in al-Muhalla (6/345):

        It is sufficient to fast the three days separately, if one wishes – which is the view of Maalik and al-Shaafa’i – because Allaah did not stipulate whether they should be consecutive or separate. So however a person fasts them is sufficient.

        And it says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (23/22):

        It is better if the fasts for kafaarat al-yameen are done consecutively, but if they are not, then there is nothing wrong with that.

        See al-Insaaf, 11/42 , Al-Mughni, 10/15 , Al-Mudawwanah, 1/280.

        Islam Q&A

        _________________
        May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

        • JazakAllah khair for the information.

          Most scholars would recommend fasting for consecutive days though it is possible for seperation. Abdullah Ibn Masud RA and Ubayy Ibn Ka'ab RA understood that verse to be 'consecutive' days. Just like the expiation for broken fasts during ramadan by sexual intercourse is '2 consecutive months'. Therefore, its better to do whats recommended for it gives more rewards.

  17. i am still a student n i don't earn yet n Allah fulfills my needs through my father and a scholarship plus i have taken a loan frm my teachers that i used to get my mother treated
    though i live in good conditions alhamdulillaah
    so what should i do
    can i fast

    • @Aalia-

      Wa Antum Fa jazumullahu khairan.

      Sister, do you know urdu ?
      i can ask Brother Abu Abdul Bari to forward to you a contact number of a scholar . You ask him in sha Allah.
      Just ask the scholar what is the expiation for breaking an oath. in sha Allah the scholar will tell you what to do.

      OK?

      _________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  18. yes i do
    jazaa kalaahul khayran

  19. علي بن عبد الله آل الشيخ‎ , Aalia-

    Wa Antum Fa jazumullahu khairan.
    _____________________________

    Aalia - I have asked him to send you the contact number of Sheikh R K Noor, who is from India.
    His educational qualifications are as follows:

    - Faazil from Jaamia Darusalaam, Umarabaad, 1985.
    - B.A. (Adeeb Fazil) from Madras University, 1985.
    - B.A. (Hadith) from College of Hadith, Madinah University, 1991.
    - M.A. (Hadith) from College of Hadith, Madinah University, 1996, Gold Medal (Madinah Award).
    - Ph D., (Hadith) from College of Hadith, Madinah University, 2002, Gold Medal (Madinah Award).

    Sheikh R K Noor has delivered lectures in Saudi Arabia, Qatar & India. He also comes in PeaceTV URDU.

    _________________
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

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