Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m heartbroken, and I think he owes me an explanation

Dark flower, needs life,

Assalamu Alaykum,

Almost a year ago, I got engaged to the first guy that had ever held my hand. He proposed to me through a friend of my mother. We talked about things that are important for him as a husband, and for me as a wife. He was so excited and happy. He wanted to do our Fatiha as soon as possible. We did, and soon later we did our kitab. I fell in love with him very quickly. He was the first man to sit so close to me, touch me, or hold my hand. His family told me a lot about his kind heart, he prayed in front of me, and was nice to my family. Everyone around me loved him, and saw the very innocent guy that I saw. I fell in love with all of that!

We were so happy. He texted me literally all day. We hung out 3 days aweek. EVERY WEEKEND. He was so soft hearted and sweet, just the man I always wished to be with. I loved him, I'm not gonna say with all my heart, but with ALL OF ME. We were pretty close, or I thought we were. I let him touch me, hug me, hold my hand, kiss me on the cheecks and lips, we made out, he saw me without my hijab, he saw my arms and legs, I sat on his lap, and more. (sorry for the details)

His grandma wasn't happy that he wanted to see me more often. She was jealous. He told me she was, because he lived with her for a long time, then I was gonna be there next to him instead of her. Yet, I agreed to live in the same house with her, because I felt bad to leave an old lady alone, even when he didn't want to any more (because she started hurting me with her words).  Everyone in my family and all his friends advised me not to live with her, because she was gonna ruin my life with him.

I also knew that he wasn't the innocent guy I thought he was. His past was trashy as it could be. Yet, I was patient, and told myself it was in the past. I decided not to tell anyone in my family, and continued with him. Then his mom visited from over seas, and he started changing. He wouldn't talk to me as much, he wouldn't come visit as much, and he always had stress and work as an excuse. Him and his mom said things that made me realize that they were so cheap, and money was a subject to talk about ALL THE TIME. He was also a different guy; the way he acted with me. He was so tough and cold hearted. HARD to deal with. Made up fights out of anything. And I took it all. I always told myself that no one was perfect, and I wanted to fix things between us, not throw them away.

I started complaining to my mother though. She also made excuses for him, and made me feel that I wasn't good enough, that's why he wasn't attracted to me anymore. She told me I wasn't as good as my older sister (whose husband, MashaAlah, loves her to death). She told me what to do, how to act, and made me go out of my way to please him. And sadly, I believed them. I believed he was stressed, believed I wasn't good enough, and still believed that he was the guy I had in my mind. So I did what my mother told me to do. I went out of my way to make out with him, and satisfy him (I was told it was 100% halal since we had our kitab done). The weekend I did that, we were so close; but from there, it started going down, breaking my heart to pieces.

He started treating me like NEVER before. He told me he was scared of the idea of getting married to me, then told me he loved and couldn't imagine his life without me. He kept going back and forth, treating me like trash, until I could NOT take it anymore and told my uncle (My father passed away 2 years before I knew this guy) I wanted out. VERY EASILY, he told my uncle that he was ok with my decision. Like he was just waiting for me to say it.

Until this day, I don't know why we broke up. I don't know if it was him, his mom, his grandmother, or me!!! It's been 6 months now. He hurt me soooo much throughout the divorce process, and he did his Fatiha with another girl ONLY one week after we got divorced. He's now engaged, and I'm not. Marriage was always a dream for me. I always wanted to be with someone, have my home and kids to raise them well. He destroyed my dream, my confidence, and ability to trust a guy in my life. It sucks because I'm the girl. I cannot propose to someone and easily get engaged again. I'm heart broken. Even though I know he isn't happy, and that he didn't get what he wanted in a girl; he got the total opposite. I'm so emotionally exhausted from this story. Why did he do that? I took him with all his mistakes and problems. I allowed him to physically be close to me like no one was before him.

I know that him leaving was the best for me, Alhamdulillah, but I don't know how my feelings are. I think I just wanna be engaged, in love, married, and happy! He was SOOOOO unfair to me. I'm good alhamdulillah, and strong, but he left a scar in my heart that I do NOT know how to heal. After a very hard childhood, alhamdulillah, a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. After a childhood that led to a very low self-esteem, he made me feel like he had my back, then stabbed me when I thought I was the happiest! I could talk about this for hours, days or weeks. I just don't understand, and probably WON'T EVER!! I know I have to always be thankful, and I am alhamdulillah, but it gets frustrating sometimes that I can't hold it in anymore!

Duaa for me is very appreciated, and any advice that you think would help.

Thanks. Assalamu Alaykum!


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20 Responses »

  1. assalamalaikum-
    1st explain what is this-
    He wanted to do our Fatiha as soon as possible. We did, and soon later we did our kitab......AS FAR AS WE ALL KNOW THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THAT IN ISLAM-

    He was so soft hearted and sweet, just the man I always wished to be with. I loved him, I'm not gonna say with all my heart, but with ALL OF ME. We were pretty close, or I thought we were. I let him touch me, hug me, hold my hand, kiss me on the cheecks and lips, we made out, he saw me without my hijab, he saw my arms and legs, I sat on his lap, and more. (sorry for the details)
    He always had stress and work as an excuse. Him and his mom said things that made me realize that they were so cheap, and money was a subject to talk about ALL THE TIME. He was also a different guy; the way he acted with me. He was so tough and cold hearted. HARD to deal with. Made up fights out of anything. And I took it all...

    Amazing Quran Recitation 'Despair not of the Mercy of God'
    And of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil deeds until death faces one of them and he says, Now I repent, nor of those who dies while they are disbelievers. For them, We have prepared a painful torment. (Surat an-Nisaa 4:18)
    Allah also does not forgive one who commits shirk, which is the association of partners with Allah. Forgiveness will only come to those who die while adhering to tawheed and avoiding any form of shirk

    Verily, Allah does not forgive that partners should be set up with Him, but He forgives whatever is less than that for whomever He wills. And whoever sets up partners with Allah has indeed invented a tremendous sin. (Surat an-Nisaa 4:48)
    Lo! Allah is a Lord of Kindness to mankind, but most of mankind give not thanks. (Surat al-Baqarah 2:143)
    Allah, Blessed and Exalted, finishes the Hadithi Qudsi with the following words, O son of Adam! If you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and you would then meet Me without ascribing any partners to Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it. Again, the mercy of Allah is clearly demonstrated by His Divine Words. However, there is a condition. One must not associate any partners with Allah, which is shirk. And Allah does not forgive shirk and if one dies without believing in Allah alone as ones Creator, then he will be doomed to the Hellfire for all of eternity.
    “Astaghfirullah” (I seek forgiveness of Allah)
    Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to recite this at least 100 times a day. Let us see the benefits and virtues of reciting this simple beautiful supplication insha Allah.
    Istighfar (Astaghfirullah) is the gateway of relief and happiness. Whenever you are in distress start reciting it and Insha Allah it will take you out of your anxiety and will put you in a peaceful situation and will give you happiness.
    Istighfar removes anxiety and duas are answered.
    Istighfar opens the door of sustenance.
    Istighfar opens the door of mercy.
    Istighfar opens the door of knowledge.
    Istighfar is also gateway of productivity.
    Istighfar relieves you. When you feel that sadness within you, when you are disturbed and frustrated, when anxiety surrounds you, say “Astaghfirullah” “Astaghfirullah”…
    Reciting Astaghfiruallah is an effective method of calming our self and wipes away the variety of worldly worries from our mind and body. It may also help us, if we are suffering from depression, it calm us and lessen our depression.......
    helps us to refrain from all forms of sins. Regularly saying this reminds us that Allah is everywhere and in this way there is very small chances of doing wrongful actions.
    Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
    “If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

    Importance of Istighfar from the Quran:
    One of the 99 Names of Allah is Al-Ghaffaar (الْغَفَّارُ) – The Great Forgiver The Forgiver, the One who forgives the sins of His slaves time and time again. There are numerous verses in the Quran about the importance of asking for forgiveness of Allah SWT. Here are few of them:
    And (commanding you): “Seek the forgiveness of your Lord, and turn to Him in repentance, that He may grant you good enjoyment, for a term appointed, and bestow His abounding Grace to every owner of grace (i.e. the one who helps and serves needy and deserving, physically and with his wealth, and even with good words). But if you turn away, then I fear for you the torment of a Great Day (i.e. the Day of Resurrection). [Hud 11:3]
    Declare (O Muhammad SAW) unto My slaves, that truly, I am the Oft-Forgiving, the Most-Merciful. [Al-Hijr 15:49]

    • @ Ali Yusuf : Correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I could figure, I think she meant that she had her nikah done with this guy, because she mentioned 'divorce process'.Also she may have been misguided by her mother as per her dialogue ' I was told it was 100% halal'.Maybe she is from another country in which these terminologies (Fatiha and kitab) are the layman's term for 'nikah'?If she had her nikah done with him, then technically there is nothing for her to repent about, since the guy was her husband, especially if she was encouraged to do so by her mother.It's a different story if she was just engaged, though, without nikah but Allah knows the intentions of every one and if she was truly misguided, by her mother, no less, it's not that much her fault, although in that case, she should realize it was not correct and repent to Allah sincerely.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I think that the sister may be describing having had an engagement ceremony (if I'm recalling this correctly, some Arabic wedding traditions include an engagement ceremony often referred to as Fatiha, in which both families recite Al-Fatiha as part of a formal acceptance of the proposal), followed by nikah (which I believe is sometimes referred to as Katb el-Kitab).

      If that's the case, then she would have been Islamically married to this man; however, it doesn't seem he took this commitment seriously.

      Sister, I am truly sorry that you have had such a horrible experience, but try to say Alhamdulillah. You have seen his true colours and avoided becoming irrevocably tied to this man. In time, inshaAllah, your heart will heal and you will find happiness with someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve. Try to find comfort in Islam - read Quran, pray regularly, spend time with practising sisters who can help strengthen your deen. If you have transgressed Islamic boundaries with this man, repent for these and ensure you do not repeat this in the future.

      May Allah help your heart heal and help you become stronger from this experience.

      Midnightmoon editor

      • Aslaam

        You're an editor so I will ask you. Why do my posts continuously keep getting deleted all the time? Every time I post an answer, even though it's not even inappropriate or nasty, my posts KEEP getting deleted all the time?

        It says, "waiting for moderation" and then never shows up!

        • Asim, most likely your comment was inappropriate in some way.


          • If giving kind advice and giving valid points is considered inappropriate to you then there's no point on being on your website. Please remove me from this website and may Allah give you people a nice life.

          • I'll tell you what, why don't you continue to comment and next time instead of deleting your comment out of hand, I will respond and let you know in what way it's inappropriate, and from there we can have a discussion.


  2. assalaam alikum,,
    my advice for u is to get marry that u may get save from sins...get married to a guy who follows islam with his heart...who knows his responsibilities on u....and pray for allah abt u r marriage...and insha allah. allah will listen to u r duas...

  3. Aslamalykum !
    may almighty Allah bless brother Ali Yosuf and brother Akram both have given the right advises , I suggest that you do as br Ali yosuff describe is the best solution , insha'Allah you will have all the satisfaction in your life , ameen ya Rab .

    • assalamalaikum-
      Rizwan hussain bhai.
      There is nothing like an end to life because fo some disobedient jhil person
      this is our life and and we have the great suport of Allah what more she wants
      just shrug OFF and move further there are millions out of which Allah can bring forward one in one second to us but He wants us to repair our iman and get ready strongly to march ahead in the balance of this life and gain the main life that is akhirah-SHE NEED NOT BE SAD INSTEAD THANK ALLAH FOR SAVING HER FROM A LIFE LONG TORTURE-IN THE BUD-DEEN[UNFAITHFUL] PEOPLE SHE HAD TANGLED WITH -

    • Lol

  4. Sister, I understand how you feel and I commend your good sense for calling it off when you did.I've seen many similar cases around me, many of them close friends of mine and I always give the same advice : CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.Look :
    1) the guy had a trashy past
    2) his grandma and mother clearly had territorial issues.
    3) his family's outlook was materialistic and cheap
    4) he picked fights with you for no reason
    5) he probably manipulated you to the point where you had no choice but to call it off.
    6) he got engaged to another girl just 1 WEEK after the divorce
    7) points 1,5,6 indicate he was just tired and wanted to sample a new flavor, but at the same time, wanted to pin it on you, that you were the one who caused the break up.And what kind of a guy does this to his own WIFE??! ( since per my understanding you had a nikah done with him, forgive me, I don't know what Fatiha and kitab mean).A classic, unrepentant playboy, that's who.
    Sis, is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with?I think you were the winner in this situation!!you should be very proud ofyourself and thank Allah from saving you from such people.The person I feel the most sorry for is that girl he's now engaged to, since his grandma and mom will probably be territorial with her too, and such guys rarely ever change their colors.The chances of infidelity from his side even after marriage would be very,very high.You, on the other hand have nothing to worry about, and if your nikah was done with him, there is even nothing to feel guilty about either.You gave it your best shot, the problem was from his end.Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
    Sis, women were created with soft,sincere hearts, with a huge capacity for love.It is natural to miss someone for whom your name was linked with for so long.But anytime your heart starts playing games with you, just over ride it with your head, by recalling the above 7 points.And sis, remember, whatever you do, no matter how perfect you try to be, people will always talk.Don't worry about what people say, live your life to the fullest ( in accordance to Allah's law, ofcourse).Focus on your career or studies, try to be an independent, strong woman, who doesn't need a man to support her.Watch movies, read books, chill out with friends.And the best therapy I can offer is prayer and Quran.There is no higher relief than spiritual awakening and becoming closer to Allah.You only have one life sis.Don't make getting married and finding Prince Charming the purpose of your life.If that happens, and you find a good, loving, faithful spouse, well and good.Otherwise there are so many other ways to live a productive, happy, fulfilling life.And sis, please do not pay attention to what the gossips say.If you pay heed to the rubbish other people talk you will remain a victim all your life.This is something we as the younger generation must realize, and pass on to our daughters as well.What happened to you, could very well happen to any girl.But we women MUST learn to stay strong and keep our spirits high in any situation and stick to what we know to be right and teach our daughters to do the same and teach our sons to be the exact opposite of your ex.Best of luvk, sis and may Allah always guide your path, Ameen.

    • MashaAllah Sister Mystic,

      Very well said. I wish I could talk to you myself and get your perspective on my situation. I love your advice.


      Sister In Islam

      • Salaam. Thank you, Zahriya for the appreciation. If you have a post published here on this site, just guide me to it and I'd be happy to respond. Regards.

  5. assalamalaikum
    there are two types of wordw she mentioned and both have 2 different meanings-
    1]Reading of the Fatiha (Engagement celebration)
    The bride's family hosts a reception in their home, where the groom formally asks for the bride's hand in marriage from her father or the eldest man in the family. After the father agrees, the families read the Fatiha (the first sura in the Quran) and serve sharbat, a sweet cordial prepared from flowers or fruit (usually in Egypt) or Turkish coffee (usually in the Levant).
    2]Katb el-Kitab
    Katb el-Kitab/Marriage Contract is the official marriage ceremony. It starts with a sheikh or imam giving a short speech about how the Prophet honored his wives, how to honor women, and how women should treat their husbands and honor them. Then the imam tells the groom to heed the speech that was just given, and the father (or eldest male of the bride's family) accepts the proposal. The ceremony resembles the reading of the Fatiha, but this when the legal documents are filled out and then filed. Two witnesses, usually the eldest men in each family, sign their names to the marriage contract, and the couple is now officially married.
    In the Levant, the Katb el-Kitab is usually held in the house of the either the bride or the groom's families, although sometimes it may be held in the wedding hall itself, or in a mosque or in court if the couple decide to do so.



  6. salam

    This is to be cleared by ohsoconfused whether is ktiab nikah(legal marriage) or not?

    But sadly, this is so heart breaking. But do not deapair my freind, you should read my link . i went through a problem too and i know how one feels. We are so innocent at one point of our lives and we allow the other to empower us. This is not only our mistake but our nurture also contributes as we grew up watching fairy tales, soaps the ultimate fantasy and link our destiny with the similar story. Wicked people when aware of others weakness try to take advantage of this. Right now, for you just pray sincerely. Find a job, study, start prospering in life. find way out out of this misery and side by side continuously ask Allah to help you immensly. cry in prayers and ask Allah to never leave you for a blink of an eye and dont get you atttach to the things that are not written for you and make your next married life a prosperous one. Remove all unfortunate things.Encounter you with the righteous people Ameen.

  7. Salam, I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through and may Allah make it easy for you and guide you, may Allah guide us all ameen. Sometimes in life Allah sends us tests so it gives us a chance to get closer to Allah. I have some experience in what you are saying so I can relate and from what I learned from my own experience was to forget about what happened and just focus on my relationship with Allah, I found my yakeen got stronger and I realised that whatever I do, I should do it purely for the sake of Allah whether I am helping a friend, family member, whether I am doing things to please my husband like cooking, cleaning etc... Then I should only do it for the sake of pleasing Allah that way you dont expect anything back from anyone and you realise whatever happens its from Allah. Sometimes we do someone a favour but as humans we expect back but when we change our intentions and help someone for the sake of Allah we don't feel let down by the other person's lack of gratitude purely because we did it for the sake of Allah because Allah is pleased with our acts then Allah puts that peace in our hearts even if a person is bad to us we should do good to them. Subhan'Allah what a beautiful creator we have and how can we fail when we have Allah by our side. Allah gives us a certain element of control over our feelings when we rely only on Allah. Change your intentions, dont expect back from humans, they will always hurt you and you will hurt others too because we are all human and we are all far from perfection however Allah is perfection so ask Allah for guidance, talk to Allah, call him, cry to him, ask him to forgive you, call him in salat, in tahajjud namaz and you will see how fast Allah aids you right by your side. Once you have worked on your own iman you will see how you have a clearer mind to make good decisions because there will be help in it from Allah. Past is the past, just move on from it, it is as easy as that and have faith that Allah has better planned for you. Doesn't matter how good of a person we are, without deen in our lives, without putting our reliance in Allah for everything we are useless. The kailima basically means that we Can do nothing without the will of Allah but Allah can live on perfectly fine without us humans, we are merely just the creation. A human can never truly understand how to love another human until he/she learns to love Allah and the prophet swas first. Bring sunnath into your life, it keeps shoythan at bay and when people are bad to you, be good to them, set an example to them. Always be good to the family of your husband because its very rare he will take your side over his own family. Be good to them for the sake of Allah and Allah will automatically put love into their hearts for you. Everything is but a test for us so don't waste time asking yourself why did this happen ? If only this... Etc..... Its all from shoythan. Just thinks its a blessing from Allah to bring you closer to Allah. This world is nothing aim for the akhira!!! In jannath there is no pain, no hurt just eternal happiness. Do good for Allah only and that is the only way to avoid hurt and pain in dunya. ALLAH will never hurt you nor let you down, Allah is always there. Make dua sister, please make dua for me too
    . I hope this has helped and if it has helped it's because Allah has helped not me. I pray things get better for you insha'Allah xxxxxxx

  8. Hi Salaam sister ohsoconfused, you received some great advice from SOME of the posters on here (Mystic was spot on).
    If you happen to read my message - Would you feel comfortable with responding to how things have turned out for you now, 7 years on? It's always interesting to follow someone's journey, and I hope yours has been an enlightening yet joyful experience where you've learned from your pain and looked to the future with positivity, and utmost trust in Allah's plans for you. I pray we all pass the trials that are sent to us, with patience and gratitude towards the Most High, the Most Merciful...Ameen. X

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