Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He promised me a baby

baby time running out

The biological clock keeps ticking

I just want some advice. About 20 years ago, when I was a student, I met this Muslim guy. We had a relationship. Then I moved home and we went our separate ways although we stayed in touch. At the time, I had asked him if he would give me a kid which is what I always wanted. He promised he would when I was ready. I did not think about it too much because I thought that I would meet a guy and have a family in a few years. None of that has happened and I find myself on my own with my maternal clock banging madly. A child is what I desire the most and I have had this desire for a long time. Therefore I contacted this guy to ask him about the promise. He is prepared to honour it. However, he is now married. I do not want him to commit any sin because of me. There will be a child and many questions to answer when he grows up. But I am desperate to have a child. Shall I forget about the promise or shall I proceed as we agreed so many years ago ? What can be the consequences for him? We live in 2 different countries and I am not a Muslim. Thank you to answer my question.

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4 Responses »

  1. Instead of forcing a married man to impregnate you, why don't you get your eggs frozen, so you can then have a baby when you finally meet Mr. Right?

  2. No, please do not force this married man to cheat.
    You can also get a baby through semen donations from a sperm bank, where you can choose from the looks and backgrounds of the fathers. Or adapt a sweet little baby. Or find Mr. Right and make ur very own inside of marriage. Anything but making a baby with a taken man.

    Salams,

    Shereen

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    If this guy goes through with this, then he'd be cheating on his wife (adultery) and having sex outside of marriage (zina). Both of these are very big sins in Islam. They're also completely unacceptable in many cultures around the world.

    The desire for a child may be blinding you to the reality of the situation.

    He's married - he's made a commitment to his wife - and it's wrong for him to consider betraying her trust and for you to ask it of him.

    If the two of you did go ahead with this, the web of lies that would result (why is he travelling to your country - I doubt he could tell his wife he'd be going to impregnate another woman? how will you explain the pregnancy? how would you explain all this to the child when they ask about their parentage?) would be near impossible to maintain.

    Once he's completed his contribution to this, presumably he'd then head back home to his wife. How are you going to cope with that? Pregnancy is hard work, you'd still need to work to support yourself, the baby's father wouldn't be there to help you. And how about after the birth? Have you thought about how you would juggle baby and work? It's complicated enough when there's another person to help you - doing it solo is really complicated.

    At some point, a child is likely to ask about their father if he isn't around. How would you explain this situation to them? And how would this guy feel if in 15-20 years time there's a knock on his door to say "Hi Dad - I'm the child you fathered in secret in a foreign country!" - I'd imagine his wife would be devastated as well?

    The other thing to consider is that if this guy is ok with the idea of cheating on his wife and having unprotected sex with someone he barely knows, you may well not be the only person he's done this with. As you'd be physically intimate with him, this would place you at risk of all sorts of diseases and health problems.

    There are other options if you are sure you want to have a child - adoption, fostering, freezing some eggs and going for IVF or surrogacy in the future - which would not involve these lies and risks. If you are sure you could manage by yourself, you could even consider sperm donation from a sperm bank. But don't let your desire for a baby (and this guy's desire for sex) place 4 lives in this horribly complicated mess.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. I have never heard anything like this before( he promise me a baby) I don't mean to sound harsh but he is happily married please leave him alone and his family that was then this is now, sooner or later you will find that special someone that will love to make a baby with you , and you will be a happy family insallah. I believe Allah has someone out there for all of us, you just have to wait ontill that special someone comes along insallah.

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