Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He proposed then changed his mind, my heart is broken


Some are only interested in flirting.

I'm sorry to post here but i im a very heartbreaking situation and i need some advice please!

I started university when i was 18 and became friends with a boy. I soon developed feelings for him by the end of the academic year but there was always a good space of distance between us and we never spoke on the phone or outside of university much.

At the end of first year i realized i had to get over him because it was dangerous to feel this way about someone so i spent the summer with no contact at all and he didn't get in touch either. this was for the best because i knew we both knew something was there between us. i thought its fine im only 18 and its a meaningless crush.

I came back in second year and he didn't talk to me much, i was fine with this but did miss him a little. two months into the year he carried on ignoring me but i knew it was for the best since i was aware i really liked him now. However, he came back saying how he feels bad he hasn't spoken to me and i said its fine dont worry.

we became friends again and by January 2012 he admitted he liked me. i told him i did too but he has ruined the friendship now and unless he has any intention of marrying me it is best we cut ties now to save us from a lot later. He agreed. I felt hurt because it seemed like he just wanted a girlfriend and its only because i refused he left too. The months were difficult as we went back to ignoring each other and it hurt quite bad. Summer time came and i devoted a lot of time during Ramadan 2012 to healing and i was sure i would get over him.

Third year came and we ended up in the same class together every Wednesday. It was difficult seeing him but i had no expectations that we would make up etc. October 2012 he messaged me via Facebook (i deleted him off since we "broke up") saying he was sorry for everything that happened between us and he hoped i would forgive him. I didn't respond to the message as it was 8 months too late and it was best i ignored it otherwise i would fall into the trap of wanting to be with him again. He messaged me again saying hes sorry. I said OK but is this it now and is he ever going to contact me again? he said no he will leave me alone and that he cannot marry me so i should move on and be with someone else. i said are u sure because u can fix this easily. he said he still has feelings for me but he knows he will let me down. i said OK fine. i got the closure i needed and began making dua that both of us heal up and be happy.

February 2013 - i fell into this deep depression mode where i constantly missed him so badly. it was difficult seeing him and i would tear up. i was so confused since it had been over a year and he had confirmed to me he would never be able to be with me. i prayed istikhara for a whole week and begged Allah to give me a sign that if its meant to be he would come back and if not then take it out of my heart. After this week and break from uni as it was half term holidays I felt a lot better about the situation and realized that this boy had to change within himself. It didn't matter how i felt about him, he had to make this change in him and step up to become a man and ask me to marry him, his test was to strive for the halal intentions and have faith that Allah will make it easy for him. I felt so much better and let it go and began focusing on studying a lot harder.

A week later he started sitting next to me in the library and i ignored this and moved. He carried on sitting closer and closer and soon was sitting opposite me everyday in the library. I was confused because we agreed in October to keep a distance as we had to cos we couldn't be together. I ignored it anyway because it didn't matter where he sat anymore, i was fine and it wasn't affecting me much. this continued for another week and then he asked to talk to me. i said why we are supposed to keep a distance. he said he wants things to change and he wants to marry me and tell his parents and he is happy and he figured everything out.

i was SHOCKED because of the timing as it happened right after my istikhara?! I told him if he was sure then i was too. I informed my mother and she said its best he tells his parents after exams. He didn't want to wait so he went home and told his sisters first who said that he should wait until after exams and not to worry about this now. I told him it made sense and so long as we both want this and carry on making dua then we will be OK inshalllah. he felt better too because he is the type of person who worried and stresses a lot about situations.

two months of exam period passed and we kept in touch vaguely we wished each other good luck for the exams but that's all. and i felt better and thanked Allah for bringing him back because he is changed and a lot more stronger. but two weeks ago he told me he no longer wants to do this and he has a bad feeling in his heart. i told him he was getting nervous again and whatever it is we can get through it. he told me he doesn't know if he even wants this anymore. i was very upset and shocked and i still am because he was the one who came back to me. he said he thinks its best we go our separate ways. and that's all i got.

im so confused and shocked. i honestly believe we are meant to be because he came back for me and maybe allah was showing me a sign but i need to wait for the right timing? or is it that I need to see that he will leave me always and its not meant to be. i cry every night for allah to help me and to heal my broken heart and if its not him to replace him with someone else but i am scared now. i am scared i will not be able to be with someone else i am 21 years old now and have felt this way for this boy since i was 18. my mum told me she really thinks his family must of had a bad reaction and he is young and naive and thinks its best he leaves me alone until he is ready. but he did not say that to me. he said he has doubt. my mum said he wouldnt tell you the truth because then you will have hope/and wait for him.

im sorry that i wrote you a long email. i just thought maybe you know of more stories like this. i trust Allah's plan I do but im trying to figure out why he would of come back in the first place if there was no chance of us being together. is it a sign that i need to be patient?

- kalsoom1

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32 Responses »

  1. Salaam sis Kalsoom

    First may Allah subhana wata3ala heal all your wounds.

    I think Allah was showing you the true color of this man, after you did Istikhara and that is why he left you after he gave you hopes...... it seems this man is playing with your feelings every time and not ready at all.

    Sister your whole life is ahead of you, you have your career, your mom whom you can share your problems with.

    we are in the last blessed days of Ramadan so submit to Allah and ask Allah to show you a way out of this and carry on........ don't be sad of someone who isn't ready for you and don't care about you at all...... he doesn't even know what he wants.

  2. Salaam.

    I am sorry to hear of the situation - it can be really disappointing when you feel an istikhaarah has gone a certain way and you are mistake. It could have been a test for you instead, maybe?

    You say one thing: you say "I am scared that I won't be able to be with anyone else.' You will, InshaAllah even if it does not feel that way right now, things do change. There are people who have felt like they wouldnt want anyone else with several different people over a period of time - but just because you feel that way it does not necessarily represent reality.

    As women we have this tendency to be determined, to keep trying to stick at things. It is a beautiful quality that we need as mothers. And we need to be soft. But when it comes to considering marriage, we need to work on being very neutral. I am on the journey to seeking a spouse and one thing I have struggled with is not to feel obliged to meet someone, even in a halal environment. I feel like if someone ticks the boxes I have to pursue it, or if we meet someone we need to have a second meeting to keep giving it a chance. So in terms of marriage the potential couple need to both decide properly whether the other person is right. So unfortunately there will be disappointment if you meet someone and he decides its not right - and that's OK provided everything is halal.

    So do not wait until he is ready, live your life and allow yourself to move on from this guy. Dont keep letting him back in your life my sweet sister, because I fear he will waste your time and keep coming back and telling you he likes you and changing his mind. This is an 'ego-boost' to him. And you a beautiful and lovely sister and you deserve more than that. Enjoy your life, find yourself and if you can not be around this guy, it makes it easier - if you've finished uni then that's even better.

    If you want to leave the door open for him then I recommend letting him know (in a halal way) that if he does want to pursue marriage with you in the future he needs to send a formal proposal to you and not contact you via facebook etc. Dont enter into unecessary conversation with him.
    Even if he lieks you, there a certain level of maturity that is needed for marriage and from what you have said, it doesnt seem as though this brother has it.

    Sara Editor

  3. he is not serious about marriage. not serious about you. just swallow this hard pill and run away from him as fast and as far as possible. you are simple , he is twisted. there are many likes of him out there . may be this was your first encounter with a guy like him.

    Free yourself up little sister, you are only 21 , inshallah Allah will replace this pain with something far far much better. place your trust in Allah and utilise this Ramadan to get closer to HIM.

    you prayed istikhara, that if its good for you make it easy, if its bad , take it awy from you and you away from it. this is what Allah has done for. takenhim away without putting aburden of decision on you. isnt this His rehma!

    wipe your tears that you are wasting on someone silly as him. 18 you were tender and naive and could be fooled. 21 you are grown up ..... dont be fooled again.

  4. Assalam aleikum Sister,
    Ramadhan Mubarak 🙂

    You are young... 21... Give yourself another 10 more years and you would be like "Sub7anallah! truely i was blessed by Allah SWT to be protected from my own naiveness and from the childishness of this boy" because he is just an immature boy with no chatacter for reliability. Say Alhamdulillah.

    The pain you feel for missing him will go away with much prayers. I am 31 and in my 28 yrs i had never dated and never knew much about men. I was 28 when i met this Muslim brother. He was the one who approached me. My intentions were very clear and I wanted marriage. Due to our differences we had been in an on and off relationship with me mostly trying to break up with him since I knew deep down this man did not really want to marry me. But he still kept creating false hopes in me making me think and hope that we will marry. Worst part is he got married in three weeks to his girlfriend of 10 years. Mind you that was three weeks before I found out from somone else that his wedding was in 3 weeks. Even worse he was with me few days before I heard the story from SOMEONELSE! He wasted 3 yrs of my life. So can you imagine the pain of betrayal I felt? Truly this was a test from Allah SWT. The good thing about all this is that I was firm on my beliefs for a halal marriage and and realized that he just wanted to play with me until he moved on.

    There is so much into my story but I don't want to get into it as this is your post with needs of answers. I only used my personal experience as an example of how when a man cannot make up his mind to marry you then I don't think he will ever make up his mind. He might make up his mind but maybe just not with you and he may marry someone else.

    This month has been a blessing so I advise you to utilize it fully especially these last few days. It has been a month n a half since the blow I got from this brother but I have been better Alhamdulillah. Each day has been a blessing as I use it in prayers. So let us both say Alhamdulillah.

    Sister In Islam

    • Assalamu Alaykum,

      Sister Very good reply, Get marry soon sister

      May Allah give guidance to all and Forgive all muslims. Ameen

      • Wa3aleykoum Salaam Akhila,

        Thank you for the compliment. And Ameen to the dua.

        As for marriage? That is in Allah's SWT will. InshaAllah my time will come too....with much prayers and faith of course 🙂

        Sister In Islam

        • Assalamu Alaykum

          Respected Zahriya Sister in Islam,

          Your correct, everything in ALLAH's SWT hands, We must wait with prayers and patience and never cross ALLAH's boundaries,Even Pray for me , My parents are looking for a marriage proposal.

          May Allah bless & guide all of us . Ameen!


          • The Prophet said, ”Duaa for a person not present is accepted quickly by Allah”. "Whenever you make a supplication for another believer and he is not present, an angel will say ‘and same to you.’” (Muslim)

            So, Sister Akhila... you, Sister Kalsoom1, the Sister below and all others in similar situations, are in my prayers as I make dua. I pray that you do the same for me InshaAllah.

            Sister In Islam

  5. Asalaamu'alaykum sister.. I was one such guy, as the guy in your life. But I was serious about the girl I loved but not financial good enough to marry her. Its easy to comment bad about boys. I know how I managed to come out of it. Its not that I was not serious about marriage. Just not financial strong enough to look after her and keep her. So I let her go. And my advice for you is also the same. Let him go from your life and mind. Marry as soon as possible. Pray for Allahs guidance..!

    • At Brother Saif,

      You did good MashaAllah by letting go when you found out that you were not financially ready. But the example of brothers that both this sister and myself have been unfortunate enough to meet in our lives are the ones who knowing they are not ready to marry yet they string along a girl. It's shameful and very hurtful. If a man is not ready then he should never start any r/ship or even go near a girl. It's wrong. And I applause brothers like yourselves who MashaAllah try to do the right thing. However I do have a question though, financial status for a man should not be the basis for a marriage not to go through. All rizq comes from Allah SWT and that should be sufficient enough. But that's just my opinion.

    • brother saif , its not a cooment for brothers like you. atleast you had the descency to let her go and that also for a reason not just playing with emotions.

      its for those men out there that just portray that they are interested in getting married but they actually are just testing the waters.just to know how many feathers they can place in their crown.
      such men know that if they dont start the game with the word of 'marriage' more than 90% of muslim women will never take communication any they throw the bait of marriage.

  6. thats why to protect women for being fooled around , Allah has given specific guidance about how to deal with opposite gender , specially when it comes to matters of matrimony.

  7. salaam

    You are lucky u found out on time. I got married next day he told me he made a mistake,getting married.
    Can you believe that?Later I found out the reason a girlfriend of eight years.So a man needs to be sure what he wants in life and not destroy someone elses life

    • Sister,

      I can imagine your pain. In my situation, when I found out that he was getting married I think my feelings for him died ( by day). He tried to contact me before his wedding but I wanted none of it. He showed up at my house a week before his wedding. I involved my family and he backed off. And I thought ok now its time for me to face reality and move on InshaAllah. His wedding was in June and guess what? a month exactly after his wedding day, he showed up at my work place. I was startled! I refused to see him and he was turned away by my colleagues at work. I was very much scared about his audacity. He is married then why come back into my life? I blocked my number (a new one that i got after things were over between us) and called him to warn him not to jeopardize my career. He swore under this month of Ramadhan that all he wanted was noting but to talk and begged me to call him back as he wanted to tell me something important. Before I could call him back I spoke to my older sisters and asked them for their opinion. My sisters said that it might be that he was dying with guilt and should call him just that once to forgive him so he could move on. So I did. And he said that he regrets getting married, he is scared of the future and the wrong decisions he had made etc... and wants to meet with me one last time. Of course i refused and even though he didnt ask for forgivenes, i told him that i forgave him (even though part of me still wants him to realize that he should not be playing with people's emotions). I hung up the call with a warning that he should never appear at my work place or at my home. Then i placed my self in his wife's shoe. And i felt really bad for her. I dont know how i would feel if I was the wife and he did this to me.

      So yes, Sister I know the pain you are going through. However I ask you to be patient with him since he is your Halal husband. That in itself is a blessing. There is nothing worse than giving your heart to a non-mahram man not knowing that you might never end up together. This is a test from Allah SWT so dont give up on your husband. He may just say that early on into the marriage that he regrets his decision to marry you but thats only because part of him is still stuck on the past. But with time he will realize that you are his reality. Sabr and Iman sister and inshaAllah you will make it through. My prayers are with you.

      Sister In Islam,

  8. thank you sister,

    I was patient but he bullied me saying he didn't like the way I talked sat ate etc.He asked me to leave I had no were to go.My family does not live in his country. I was all alone. And he did not care and let his girlfriend back in his life. Nor did the girlfriend cared that he was married.He said to me he wanted her and the son born out of wedlock.I left found a place and got a job.But it hurts when I think what he did.He got two daughers from his first marriage why do this to someone elses daughter? I cooked cleaned ironed for him did everything, still his gf a non muslim girl is more important.I am broken please pray for me.

  9. thankyou for all your replies. i cried reading all of these. im still hurting but i focus on other things and it just makes me sad inside. i miss him alot but i know that im not in the worst situation ever, it could of been worse. i could of married him and then he left me. i just dont know what to do now. i really hope i reach a point where i dont care anymore but how can someone do this. it is so like bad.

  10. Assamwalikum sisters

    • Heena, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you,

      Wael Editor

      • Assalam 3aleykoum Brother Wael,

        I am currently in a situation that is affecting my best judgement and iman. I personally want to post my concerns and like everyone else we all feel the urgency of needing the answers sooner than later. However the wait w/ pending posts is so long that it has me wondering. Is there any other options, any suggestions? JazakaAllah


  11. Marry me. Seriously, I'm a practicing brother, AlhamdullIlah.

  12. lol you funny

  13. Hey I don't know if you're gonna see this as it has been years. Are you better now? Has your heart healed? I'm on the same boat but the difference was we were together and had plans to get married this summer because both families knew about our relationship. Long story short, he cut me off and disappeared on me with no warning, closure, nothing. I tried to get answers but he only says we'll talk later and ignores me.

    • How did you meet him? If you met him through Internet, he might have played a double role with a different ID to check on you.

      • How can someone play a double role and be that heartless esp when they have 4 sisters and mom and their life is already really hectic and busy and they barely make time for you? Where would they get that time to make time for someone else? What do you really get out of playing someone in a long distance relationship when you can find someone in your own city, so many easy girls??

        • I'm sorry to say but like you said your relationship was a long distance one, how do you know his life really was that busy? He could say anything to you and you would have no way of confirming if this was true or not. He could have been in relation ships with someone else and you would never have known. He could now be married, or may have left you aa he had moved on. I personally know somone who was with a guy for 3 years there wedding was planned, she had bought her dress and without warning he ended everything for her to find out months later he had got back with ex and then married her a few months later. No one is that busy in life to make time for the people that matter to them. If he was telling you he was too busy this should have rung alarm bells for you. It may be hard but you should try cost this chapter of your life, even tho your families knew relationships before marriage are not permissible for this very reason, sadly it's mostly the girl that's left broken hearted.

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