Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He said “Divorce” after taking a second wife

Angry husband, no love, husband turning away

Assalamu Alaykum

My husband and I were workmates before...we are attracted to each other and we do haram things like dating in public make our relationship halal, he proposed to me which i declined because our relationship is still new and we dont know each other well.... he informed his family that he met someone he loved and planned to get married. His father become furious and quickly searching for potential wife....He cannot say anything to his father (he is afraid to speak up afraid that he might disobey his father) So without a word he was engaged in his home country while he is in abroad working and dating with me.

After two years of "dating" and three months after his father's death he proposed to me again and I agreed because there's greater possibility now that the arranged marriage will be cancelled. And also one time he shared a dream to which both of us eating from the same plate which according to him a sign that we can be husband and wife and also theres only two of us in the dream...... We decided to get married and it did happen in March 2014. We both have wali but we did not register in court because its very costly but we do have plans to marry in court sometime later this year Inshallah.... He did not inform his mother about the marriage because he is afraid..but he informed his brother....

We live separately since its illegal to live together without papers and also he cannot afford for a new place for us. We both have job but last March he lost his job...i helped him search for another job..he did find a job but quit since he cannot handle the pressure because of immigration issues he went to his home country and leave me behind..we have good communication but everything went sour when his mom told him that he has to marry the lady whom his late father chooses. When he saw her picture, he told me that he don't like her.. I advised him not to look at the appearance but think if this marriage will make him happy in the future. He told his mom that he don't agree with the second marriage but his mom give him options: first, he will not marry the lady and he will not come back to me also. second, he marry the lady and can come to me. He is confused and out of respect of his late father, he agreed the marriage (but the nikka did not take place yet maybe it will be on the coming big Eid.)

Then, he tried to convince me... he is very short tempered man..he cannot handle my jealousy,.. i even told him you cannot even afford to provide my needs and then u will face that second marriage... He became angry at me. He told me that slowly slowly he will provide my needs. (Actually they try to settle the distribution of their father's property which is from my point of view a very small amount ). He told me his plans that he will come back to me after his marriage and he will bring his second wife maybe after three or four months....the three of us will live in one roof which makes me angry.....

Since I am the one who have job..i always call him and our calls will turn into fight and I always tell him that he cannot afford to raise a family with me blah blah until I told him okay providing that you cannot provide my needs i will seek divorce..he said to me he will never ever divorce me...until such time that he was mad he said over the phone, "if that's what you want i give you divorce" he added, "divorce divorce divorce" 

Im very upset and I call him back he told me that I forced him to divorce me but its not his heart's intention to divorce me. But he said since it was being said it literally means divorce... 

So now, Im upset with the second marriage and with the divorce...I love him and I cannot love other man but I cannot live the thought three of us in one room/roof (according to what he can afford)... 

He told me that if i accept his terms.. he can take me back..... 

Please help me what to do... 

Shukran Jazilan


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5 Responses »

  1. Why are you wasting your time with this man? I think you know the answer already

  2. Let me give you an advice that will help you understand your situation and my saying to you. STOP TREATING MEN LIKE CHILDREN.
    He is a grown man. Who cant even afford his own needs cant stand up for himself and cant make decisions on his own. How can he say he is short tempered and that only in your case. Why dosent he use this temper to make a valid point infront of his family. Sorry to say you are stuck with a looser. He will keep on praising his manlyhood on you and not in reality. Start acting as a selfish person and think abt yourself and your needs. Plus marriage for a women is for support from a man and not the other way around. Leave him you are better off without him and its never going to work and in a few years you will relize that.

  3. My advice is that please donnot waste your life for such man wo donnot Affort you but he can Affort your family. Leave him. Donnot call him. Just relax your mind even donnot think about it because marriage is not a week relation which he say divoce and all feelings over. Please find someone better than him. He cannot deserve you anymore. He just use you for money box .

  4. Assalam alaikum Dear Sister,

    I do not know where to begin, but you wrote that your husband didn't want to marry his father's choice for a bride based on looks...there are a several elements wrong with this! The fact that he is ONLY saying no because of her looks when he isn't even able, literally able to take care of his first wife, you, with care and dignity. You are the one working, the one calling and the one caring. Sister, this is NOT the way a marriage is supposed to be especially in the beginning.

    You also believe that you and him have good communication except when matters go sour--I'm afraid that you don't have good communication if it breaks and falters to the point that he utters divorce three times and treats you the way you do.

    I highly recommend that you collect yourself, change your phone number, Facebook/email/online accounts so that you can move forward in your life beginning with valuing yourself as a human being. Make tawbah to Allah swt for the time you and him were in a relationship without marriage. Do not repeat such a mistake with another man. Do not forget yourself self-worth. I hope, for your sake, that you realize he is not worth another tear or thought.

    May Allah swt give you strength and patience during this difficult time, Ameen.

  5. Get divorced from your husband. You are not divorced yet because saying "I divorce you" 3 times in one sitting is counted as one. You are still married to him. Then there is also a period of iddah after the divorce. He is a useless man so its better to get divorced, if he doesnt change

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