Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love him but he threatens me with divorce

Broken marrige, marrige falling apart due to lack of communication, intimacy etcAsalaam arlaykuum,

I apologise for the way in which this is structured, I'm in a bad state and feeling very nervous, scared and sick.

My husband wants to leave me and wants an immediate divorce, this is something he threatens me with every time he is upset or feels under financial trouble and has therefore been over working himself.

We both work full time and my husband is doing very physical and demanding work as we owe people money left right and centre. Above all his family risk loosing their house after mortgaging it for our relationship.

My husband and I met when I was just 18, I was on holiday in Tunisia with my family and I met him there. Never in my life was I the type to go against my parents or to look or fall for anyone on holiday but with him I just knew he was the one from the day I held his hand I just felt safe and I knew this was my path.

We stayed in contact and my parents were very against the whole thing and did everything they could to break us up and to make it impossible for us to see eachother. Anyway I managed my husband was amazing he pushed me to attend university.  It's in London and I had to work hard for our futures and so I did. I studied, worked full time and was dedicated to him and only him and saved him from many situations.

He got robbed by some street boys he had taken in and lost everything, all his belongings, his money and his car and he did some very bad things and was sentenced to a very long prison sentence. Even though this happened I was by his side and his family and I did everything we could to get him out.

In the end we got married he came to England and we have been together for over 9 years and married 3 and a half.... Since he came to England everything turned bad, it was stressful we were very poor and we work constantly, we never had a proper wedding nor a honeymoon or a
moment to enjoy each other.

My husband struggles with his temper and as u can hear he has a very dark side because of a very rough childhood where violence was the main form of discipline. I have done my all I have given my all, put him before myself and all I want is his love his time and his respect but I just feel that he doesn't want to speak when we fight he threatens to leave and I just beg and do all I can until he finally calms down and then we make up until the next time.

For me divorce is so bad and I truly love him and I don't see myself ever being with anyone else. What do I do. Please help me. I want to do the right thing and I'm so scared.

- Alexandra

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2 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Sister Alexandra,

    You write:

    "My husband wants to leave me and wants an immediate divorce, this is something he threatens me with every time he is upset or feels under financial trouble and has therefore been over working himself."

    If your husband really wanted an immediate divorce, he would be getting started in the process by contacting the required professionals and filling out paperwork, rather than repeatedly using this scenario to play on your fear of loosing the relationship, which is an emotional abuse tactic, or using this scenario as an "out" every time he is stressed.

    It's possible that he is overworked and therefore very stressed out. Is it possible for you two to make some financial concessions elsewhere in order to ease up your busy work schedules? Could you move to a cheaper residence and buy things on sale only? If the financial situation is what's causing the distress at home, he could also benefit from counseling. Or you two could go to marriage counseling together to get some support for your struggling relationship and put priorities in place.

    Something needs to change, as the situation has taken a toll on your mental and physical well-being. If things continue to deteriorate, a separation is in order, as no soul is given a greater burden than what it can bear.

    Please know that Allah is here for you. Have you made duas to Him to ease up your marital situation? You can also pray Salat Al-Hajah, the 2-rakah "prayer for a need." He knows what is in your heart and what you most need right now.

    Inshallah things will turn out for the best, but you can always write here again if you need to.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. He is a bully who uses the threat of divorce to keep you in line because he knows you can't bear to be apart from him.

    You love him but he is not good for you. He is causing you immense distress and has put you into huge debt through his own selfish actions. He also shows no apprecation for your selfless and tireless efforts in helping him to pay off his debt.

    You want his love and attention but he is not behaving in a loving way. Have you thought this might be because he actually no longer loves you? This isn't what you want to hear but you may need to realise this for yourself. He may not love you any longer. Even if he says he does, his actions speak otherwise.

    Distant is needed here I think. A temporary separation may save your marriage if he realises he stands to lose you. Pls be strong and ask for a temporary separation. So you live separately for a few months and work on your marriage for a few months. And at the end of that time period you review your marriage together and make a decision.

    You sound like the sort of wife who does everything for her husband and will do anything to make him happy. This is not wasted and Allah swt appreciates it and will reward you for it. But this man is taking you for granted and a few months away from you may make him see the error of his ways and motivate him to make changes.

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