Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He wants to marry me but doesn’t want my son

divorced family with child, divorce couple with baby

Aoa everyone

I am a divorced woman and have a 7 year old son from my first marriage. My son currently does not live with me but I intend on taking custody of him soon Inshallah. He currently resides with my parents in another city. There is a bitter legal custody battle for him sadly, between me and his father. His father wants his custody by all means but ego aside, his father is not capable enough to bring him up nicely.

I recently met a man who has 2 small children from a previous marriage and the kids reside with him. When we first met, we both understood that our respective children will remain with us even as we marry. So basically both of us would become parents to our 3 children (mine and his). Now after some time, his stance has changed and he wants me to give physical custody of my son to either my parents or his own father. He says my son can't stay with us. The reasons he is citing are:

  1. his family will not accept my son into their fold due to cultural reasons. This will lead to conflicts between me and him in future too.
  2. that his daughter and my son are na-mehram and hence can't be raised together (although in our country we often see cousins growing up together in a joint family setup)
  3. that my sons father will have constant intervention in our lives one way or another
  4. My son will constantly remind him of my previous relationship

He says he otherwise has no issues being a father figure to my son but that his scope is limited because my son and his own biological father also have a strong bond. I tried to walk away from this man but he stopped me and tells me he really wants me in his life.

I'm in a fix as to what decision to take. Remarriage is important in my case even though I'm working. Most men I come across have the same issue - that of my son. I don't know whether to think practically for us and give my son to my parents or his own dad. Or to let this man go from my life. The future prospects are unknown. Please advice me keeping in mind society, norms and religious values- all.

Regards and jazakallah for any advice.

Zee

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14 Responses »

  1. Sw sister,
    I'm sorry your going though this, my prayers are with you and inshallah eveything will be in your favor.

    I can't tell you what to do, but if I was in your situation there is no way I would give up my son! Specially as you both talked about this prior, and it's unfair for him to now change his mind.
    There are good Muslim man who will take you and your child sister, I know as my husband did just that I have a child from a my previous marriage and my husband is more of a father than his biological father, he didn't have any from children as he has never been married before but we do have children of our own and he treats them all equally.

    I think you should have a serious talk with him and remind him that you guys talked about this before and that it is unfair him to change his mind now and that you would never ask him to give up his children!

  2. Salam Sister,

    Our children become main priority after Allah swt. If this man cared about you like he says he wouldn't have even mentioned separating you from your son.. If you marry him your son and his daughter will become mahram. I know a sister personally that moved from overseas for her new husband having to leave her son behind. He treated her like dirt in the end.. Don't listen to a mans words sister, look at his actions. I know its hard to be a single mom but its harder to live with the guilt that you chose a selfish man over your own child. Don't do that to him or yourself. Honestly, I wouldn't marry this man even if he decided to accept you and your son. I wouldn't trust that my son would be treated well by him or his family. Our kids don't deserve to suffer like this. Inshallah khair. May Allah swt make it easy on you.

  3. Sorry I just read the last part.. Your son will remind him of your previous relationship??? How does he have the nerve to say that with a straight face? Won't his children remind you of his? Will his kids mother be present in their lives?? He really sounds like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Even if he was a millionaire.. or handsome.. I would tell that self centered "man" to stay away for good. I'm very certain you will regret marrying this person. Try being patient and asking Allah swt for help. Thats how I met my husband. I really feel for you and I will pray for your situation. Allah Hafiz

    • I completely agree with Sister Aminah. I am a single working mother of 3.5 yr old boy and can't imagine talking to someone who has the nerve to say leave your son. I am sorry to ask but can't you see his double standard nature? I think that should be enough for you to leave him. I hope better sense prevails and you see the red flags in this relationship.

    • 100% what sister Aminah said. I think hes a Coward tbh ... He wants you for sexual gratification and thats it. The fact hes gone back on his word just proves what kind of a man he is.

      Please think twice and ask for advice of those aeound you before you decide to marry him.

      May Allah make it easy on you and your Son ... Ameen.

  4. Skip this guy.

    His children and your son would be mahram to each other. I just read this because my mom was talking about remarrying.

    That guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Imagine how your child will feel later if you have him up and got married.

  5. Woooow he sounds like a piece of s***. Do not marry him even if he changes his mind. He sounds absolutely disgusting and cruel. First of all he agreed to everything and now he suddenly changed his mind??? He cares about cultural reasons??? Your son's father will have interventions in your lives? What about his childrens mother than???won't she also have interventions in your lives? ??won't his children also remind you constantly of his previous marriage??? He sounds like a evil person sister please do not make this mistake. Do not marry him. You are first a mother, your son needs you. Why would you leave him for a looser like him??? And he can keep his children? ?? Can you live with this for the rest of your life??? Now he is asking you to leave your son, once you are married to him, he will treat you bad for sure and he will want you to make more sacrifices in the future. I actually know a little boy, well he is not little anymore but his mum gave him up because she wanted to remarry. He absolutely hates her and broke contact to her, which is understandable after everything he went through. It's heartbreaking, he lived with his dad and his new wife. She abused him mentally and physically and his dad didn't do anything about it since he didn't want to divorce his new wife.after years of abuse his grandparents took him.he is 16 now and still lives with his grandmother. Sister there are real men out there who will insh'Allah be happy to have you and your son so don't go for this looser. Don't ever leave your son for any one. Please do not marry this guy even if he changes his mind. I promise he won't treat you or your son well.I really hope you make the right decision. May Allah swt bless you with a good husband who will be happy to have you and your son in his life ameen

    • "Woooow he sounds like a piece of s***. "

      LOL I tried so hard not to say the same thing lol. I'm so tired of seeing Muslimah dealing with "Muslim Men" like this. It's disgusting 🙁

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Your son is the most important person here and needs to be prioritised as such. Guys may come and go, but your child will always be your child - find a husband who will love and accept your son. If this guy won't accept your son, then he doesn't belong in your life. You will inshaAllah find someone who appreciates your son and will embrace his role in helping your son grow into a fine Muslim man.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. I recommend not marrying this man. You have your responsibilities when it comes to your son, you can't just abandon him. I do understand what he's saying though. All the things he has listed are issues in a marriage with a single mom. There are others he hasn't listed such as favoritism by parents or possibly child abuse by the step parent. In any case, it's not reasonable for you to abandon your son to make your marriage with this guy. I recommend moving on from this man. I do appreciate that he was honest about his issues instead of trying to get you pregnant first and then manipulating the situation so that you couldn't see your son.

  8. It is so easy to decide .drop this man from your life ..i know it is very difficult to get a good man but hope for good

  9. I would leave this guy if i were you. This man is so self centered and believe me you dont want this kind of man to be your husband. If you accept him you will suffer because he will not let you see your son after your marriage and he will blindly become jealous with your exhusband. May Allah give you a pious man that can accept you and your son

  10. Please, please, please run.

    I married someone and had custody of my son from a previous relationship. He told me that my son was like his son before marriage. After marriage, life has been hell. He even became angry when I stayed extended periods of time in the hospital with my son after his appendix ruptured. This man will not change. He will not soften. Assume things will only get worse. I hate to sound so negative, but I wish someone had given me strong advice in my life.

  11. Don't leave your son for no man your ok to raise and look after his children but he doesn't want yours!!!! Why doesn't he give his first wife his children to raise and look after your son??? It's all excuses, he wants u bcuz he knows ur a good person nd will raise his children properly but doesn't want your baggage! Also any mother who has to come on line to ask strangers if she should chuck her son for a dick is a twat!!!

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