Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to marry but fiance wants to commit zina first

Manipulation, being manipulatedSalaam,

I have quite a complicated problem but will cut a long story short. I was previously married to this brother, and we divorced due to problems between us, and also my parents were unhappy with the marriage. I still love and care about my ex-husband, and despite the problems we had (he has an anger problem, swears at me when he is angry, and is generally difficult when he does not get his way), I want to marry him again.

I am aware of the problems we had and will still have to an extent, but I do believe that I should have tried harder to make the marriage work before I divorced him, and that I should have been more patient. He himself tried everything to make me stay, but could not easily change his nature.

I finally got my parents to agree to let me marry him again, and I told him this. The problem is he wants to commit zina with me before we are married. He says he wants to be close to me and that if we spend time together before we are married again, it will happen anyway. We cannot do our nikah quickly (ie. within a month) as there are various issues between our families that need to be resolved.

I have told him there is no way I will ever commit zina with him again (I have done in the past, may Allah have mercy on me), and he has said that in that case there is no way we can progress to the stage where we can be married again.

I am not tempted to do zina, and I will move on from him if necessary, but I keep thinking what if I am throwing away this chance of marriage with him, when we love each other so much. I am tempted to do it so that we can move on with our lives.

My parents had istikhara done by 2 very pious imams, and both were positive for the brother, with reservations about his family (ie that they might cause problems), and I have been doing istikhara all ramadan, and at first I felt very negative, then positive, and now again, I am confused as to what to do.

Please advise me, I have spoken to him about the sin of zina, but he says if we are to be married we are not hurting anyone. I can't speak to his family or friends, and I don't want my family to be aware of this situation. I don't think he will talk to an imam or anyone about this, as he says he has lost a lot of his faith because of the way our lives have turned out

- unhappy

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15 Responses »

  1. Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

    Allah says: "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Surah Al-Israa, Ayah:32).

    Allah reminds us in the Quran: "He (Satan) promises them and arouses desire in them, but Satan doesn't promise them except delusions"(An-Nisa': 120).

    The Prophets said to Iblis. "By what did you defeat the son of Adam?" He said, "At the time of anger and at the time of desire".

    ***

    Sister - this is man is adamant in wanting to commit sin despite knowing the enourmity of the sin, this shows his arrogance - and he wants to drag you down with him. He has a bad temper and is threatening to leave you if you do not submit to his evil desires. After all this, how can you think that he is a good catch for marriage? Think clearly: he has a bad temper, allows his lust to control his decision making, he is manipulative and threatening. You are blinded by his sweet words and your past - this is nothing but shaytaan's way of making things look sweet to you, its called the devil's deception. It comes covered in gold when underneath it is nothing but dirt and thorns. I certainly would never encourage anyone to marry a man as you have described. His character is lacking in morality, manners, haya and sabr. Leave him and count your blessings.

    Allaah's Messenger(saw) said:

    "If there comes to you o­ne whose Deen and character is pleasing then give (the woman) in marriage to him."

    Are you really pleased with this man's Deen and character? If you are, then you are deceiving no-one but yourself.

    ***

    Furthermore, if you have both been married and divorced, it is haraam for you to marry each other unless you genuinely marry another man, have proper marital relations with him and you get divorced from this other man for genuine reasons (i.e. nothing to do with the man you first divorced from). On the other hand, if your marriage to the first man was annulled, i.e. declared null and void by a qualified Imaam, this is not 'divorce'. I think you need to clarify all this with a qualified imaam before thinking of marrying anyone else.

    Dear Sister - you deserve better than this man. You are a Muslimah who has returned to Allah, do not spoil your future. Say Alhumdulillah, that Allah saved you from this man through your first divorce; don't jump back into the same fire.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. No means NO!

    What man in his right mind, IF he is a righteous and religious person would ask for Zina first BEFORE marriage?

    Tell him IF you truly want to have a successful marriage, then you wait until the wedding, otherwise the answer is right there. He is just playing with you.

  3. Salaams,

    thanks all for your advice. Unfortunately, I was weak, and I fell into zina with him soon after posting this message. I think I was scared that I would lose him if I let this become an issue, so I gave in, though I never voluntarily or happily did so. I am repenting all the time, and lately, I am feeling that I can't keep doing this, even if it means leaving and forgetting him altogether.

    I know it sounds like he is a horrid person, and he can be genuinely difficult, but deep inside he is a decent person, he was a much better husband than many of the ones written about here.

    I only had one divorce, so could have married him again. I am planning on breaking it off with him in the next couple of weeks, I am just praying for Allah to give me the strength to leave him, to deal with my heart break and move on to a relationship (marriage) with blessings in it.

    I am finding it really hard, and feel like breaking down every time I think of finishing with him, please pray for Allah to give me the emotional strength to deal with this.

    • Sister, I am confused with regards to your marital status. If you only had one divorce, then do you have to re-marry to resume your marriage with him? If not, then the question of zina wouldn't arise. I think you need to see a qualified imam asap to find out where you stand.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. I am currently divorced from him. We decided we wanted to remarry, and since we have only had one divorce we can marry again no problems. The only thing is, we can't get married anytime soon due to issues with his family, so we are in limbo, waiting for his family to accept a remarriage. If the issue was in our hands, we'd get married tomorrow.

    Thats why this situation had arisen..I have tried to broach the subject of finishing this since we can't seem to wait without commiting this sin, but he is not accepting that its better to leave each other than continue like this..

    I just need the emotional strength to do this

    • Sister,

      Seriously, you need to consult a qualified imam. Marriage and divorce are complex issues and it is always best to seek advice from qualified people in such cases.

      ***

      However, until you are clear about where you stand, I suggest you keep a distance from this man. If this man thinks he is divorced from you and is still insisting that you commit zina, that does not speak highly about his morals and character. But of course, I am sure you will find a reason to justify his behaviour.

      Sister, you, I, all of us have been created to worship The Creator, not His(sw) creation. So every time you are giving into this man (whilst believing you are divorced) is an indirect form of shirk. This is because at that time of weakness, your desire to please this man is greater than your desire to please Allah. In fact to be more accurate, your desire to please this man, is leading you to disobey Allah.

      You say you are scared of losing this man if you do not give in to his sexual desires, but what are you scared of losing? A man who appears to care nothing about his hereafter and is arrogant! The bottom line is, this man is a slave to his lust and you have become a slave to your desire to please him - even if it means displeasing Allah.

      The Prophet(saw) said: 'Remember often the terminator of all pleasures,' (Tirmidhi). He(saw) was referring to none other than DEATH!

      Allah(swt) reminds us '...and die not except in a state of Islam,' (Q3/V102). When one commits zina, they fall into a state of disbelief. So is that how you want to die?

      Wake up sister! Thank Allah(swt) for not taking your soul while you have been in a state of disbelief, thank Him(swt) for giving you another day, another hour, even another minute, so you can repent.

      You can choose from this very moment onwards - to re-affirm your belief in Allah and Islam, vow never to commit zina again and to improve your character. Or you can keep blaming your weakness on your love for this man. On the day of Judgement, this man will not stand up and say 'Hey, don't blame her, blame me instead, I made her have sexual intercourse with me'. Truely sister, if you love Allah, then how can it be possible to love a man who wants to encourage you to go against Allah? It makes no sense whatsoever.

      Stop, wake up and sort your life out NOW while you are still alive. Because when the Angel of Death comes to take your soul, there will be no more chances.

      May Allah bestow His(swt) Mercy on you,

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Sister Z and others, - thank you so much for your advice and encouragement, and esp to Sister Z for being so blunt. I don't believe commiting sins is an indirect form of shirk, but I know it is transgressing Allahs laws and transgressing against my soul.

    I have ended this relationship now, and am begging for repentence for my actions everyday.

    Please pray for Allahs mercy and and forgiveness on me, and for Allah to be pleased with me.

  6. And also please please pray for Allah (swt) to guide and have mercy on my ex-husband - despite everything he is a good man who has allowed himself to become misguided and lost..

    Jazakallah

    • Alhumdulillah Sister! May Allah keep giving you strength and keep reinforcing your eemaan and may He(swt) accept your repentance. And of course, may Allah also have Mercy on your ex-husband and on all of as we are all human, we were created weak and it is only through the Mercy of Allah(swt) that we are able to stay on the straight path.

      Keep striving Sister, Allah promises ease after every difficulty.

      Salaams

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. How can you say that she can not get married this man unless she marries someone else and get divorced by him? That is the case in three Talaqs, and as it seems in this case, it is only one. So, please be careful with your words when writing it on public forums. I appreciate your other advices.

  8. I want to know what happened with this sister....has she posted again recently?

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