Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is the best man I can get, but he used to be gay in his teenage; Should I take Talaq?

guilt sins forgive

Don't let shaytan keep whispering the past to you when you know Allah promises to forgive his sincere repentant slave

Assalamoalaikum

Read this in full and please do not criticize me. I do admit I have a really good husband. He is very nice, loving,sincere, faithful, caring and what should I say, well...he's obedient  I didn't make him obedient, he wants to be obedient to me and loves me a lot.

He however has a dark past as a teenager. He would struggle with his nafs and controlling his sexual desires in his prime teenage years, so he resorted to masturbation, porn and even having sex with men while he was as young as 14.

He would keep on repenting and try to stay away from the sin. He would go for months at a time without sinning. He gave up having sex with men when he was sixteen. And he tried to get rid of porn and masturbation from his life. He cut down on both a lot. Eventually he found he could control himself and stay away from these sins.

And he married me in part to 'control' his desires. Since then he has been an extremely faithful husband and he says that his past actions still 'haunt' him sometimes.

But he never told me about his past before marriage. Should I leave him? He is a really good husband and I'll doubt I'll ever find a man as good and kind and sincere and honest as him again, but what he has done in the past is just sickening.

Am I being ungrateful?

He says he never deserved me. I agree. He doesn't deserve me but am I really being ungrateful considering the extent of his sins?

I was interested in my sister's bf's brother, who once proposed to me and was really rich and handsome [My husband is pretty good-looking too, but that's not enough anymore]. I now regret breaking my ex-fiancee's heart to have a failed excuse of a husband.

Should I take Talaq and go to the other man?

~ Samra

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44 Responses »

  1. Sister Samra, Assalamu'alaikum,

    I know that as a human being, you can get such feelings. And do not think that I am criticizing you, but I am advising you as a brother. I think leaving him would be unfair. Yes, if he was continuing the practice even now and had not done tawbah, that was a different issue.

    From your post, I can draw two conclusions:

    1. You wish to leave him because of his sin as you can not digest the fact that your husband was involved in such a sinful activity.
    2. You wish to leave him because you like someone else and regret to have rejected that person.

    Sister, the second point, if true, is invalid to be frank. That is because you yourself say that he is such a loving and caring man you can ever get. You must accept him and give him the same love and obedience.

    The first one is an issue that needs to be resolved. Sister, if you married an atheist who became a Muslim and had committed Zina several times with several women before accepting Islam, what would be his position in Islam? Is he looked at lowly or is he equal to you and me? His Islam would erase his past sins, right?

    In your husband's case, he was 14 when he began committing this sin. And I won't be surprised if you tell me that he was in outskirts of an Arab country when he did this. Corrupted Arab nationals who are gay actually convince little kids (and even boys as old as 20) to go to their home. Then they do what they have to do and the kids do not consider it bad at all. The boys are at mistake, but are also victims to the evil desires of the evil men.

    Is it possible that your husband was a victim of such an incident? I know he did the sin wantedly and may not have been forced into it. But sister, you must remember one thing: when a person does tawbah and regrets his sin, it is between Allah and him/her. It is not for us to judge whether the tawbah is accepted or not. The best thing is: he is no more that and has become better. At times, people who see such evils become better than those who don't, because they wish to forget that and learn from the mistakes. Perhaps this is the reason he is trying to be a prefect husband.

    And him marrying you to "control" his desire is valid, sister. He wanted to keep away from Zina and hence married you in order to do that in a Halaal way, rather than turning to Haraam.

    Sister, as long as he is good to you, deals with you with kindness, justice and affection, I advise you to stay with him and not leave him alone. As you have said, he is probably the best man you can ever marry, why should the thought of another man come to your mind?

    It was wrong on his part to reveal his sin, but he probably did it with hope that you will help him come out of his haunting past. Allah Forgives every sin on Tawbah if He Wishes, and he had probably just entered puberty when he did this, he was too young and naive. There maybe men today who are in their thirties but still have relations with men, may Allah Guide them.

    He probably trusts you and sought your help. I know it is a huge sin, but he has done tawbah. And if you forgive his past and move along with him and help him forget his own wrongdoing by showing respect, love, affection and obedience, even Allah may Have Mercy on you because a Hadith says that those who do not have mercy on the creation of Allah, then Allah will not show His Mercy to them. Also, for yourself, remember that asking for talaq for a reason that is not valid in Sharee'ah invites Allah's Curse according to another hadith.

    You also said: He says he never deserved me. I agree. He doesn't deserve me.

    Sister, do not get me wrong, but this shows a little bit of arrogance, and you should not let it eat up your happiness. You asked if you were being ungrateful. Perhaps not, because you were feeling sick of his past. But now that you have been told his tawbah may actually erase his sins from his book of deeds, what can you and me do to him? If he gives you all love and affection and you still leave him, perhaps that will amount to ungratefulness. You must return his love with an equal amount or even more, so that Allah can forgive both his and your sins and you both can work towards the Jannah together.

    May Allah Guide you and Give you Strength

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Mashaallah brother. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for such a Delightful advice for this sister. May Allah help you in guiding others towards Islam.

    • Assalamualaikum

      I just want to put my weight behind Brother Abdul's response.

      Sometimes we all get swayed by ridiculous emotions. I would feel honored if someone is staying away from sin because of me. Which is exactly your position. You are the source of good for your husband, why do you want to spoil such a blessed status. Allah has put you in a position where you can help another human being be a better muslim.

      I can not fathom why someone would want to give up that, probably you haven't look at your situation in that light.

      May Allah make it easy on your and bless your heart and mind with peace and tranquility.

      JZK

    • MashaAllah, that's a wonderful response. I wholeheartedly agree.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Masha ALLAH brother! really wonderful advice

      And sister I bet you have done something terrible in your past(as we all did). Don't let past ruin present.

      And may ALLAH pak bless us all here and hereafter

    • Salam, i agree with this brothers advice, please take this, Allah bless and have mercy on us all. Sister R

    • I am a Jew going through the same problem as the original poster and want to say that your response to this has completely changed my heart. I've been searching for help for so long, and am blessed to have received such a healing answer from you, Abu Abdul Bari. May Allah repay you for this beautiful deed.

  2. As salam alaykoum sister,

    Jazaki Allahu khayrun for being open and honest about your situation. Maybe your situation and the advice given herein will help others who are in the same predicament.

    As a sister reading your plea for help, many things went through my mind. First you stated your husband was :"having sex with men while he was as young as 14." From a medical point of view, was he ever tested for STDs or HIV? If not, would you two consider getting testing done so as to protect yourselves from such diseases. Please don't get me wrong, but I am concerned for you all in terms of health and possibly having children.

    Secondly, you quote: " I do admit I have a really good husband. He is very nice, loving,sincere, faithful, caring and what should I say, well...he's obedient I didn't make him obedient, he wants to be obedient to me and loves me a lot." Alhamdulillah you have a husband who possess such inner qualities, which are hard to find these days in both men and women. He also loves you. You must have a good heart, be a practicing muslimah and a caring person in order for him to love you. However, you shouldn't let his past, no matter how "sickening" it was, interfere with your love and marriage with him. His past was just that-the past. You can't allow yourself to relive his sins in your mind over and over again. Just stop thinking about it and put it to rest-for good. If you won't, then you are only going to make problems for yourself. You will bring yourself down. Please try to move on and help your husband. Which brings me to my next point.

    Your husband married you to control his sexual desires and urges. This is Halal in Islam. We get married not only to have children, but to have intimate relations with our spouses. Maybe your husband grew up in a country which homosexuality was practiced in a "behind the doors" manner. Maybe his parents didn't pick up on the fact that their son was committing haram by masturbating, watching porn and being homosexual. Frankly, as a parent, I don't understand how they couldn't have noticed that he was doing these things. Anyhow, that's not the point right now. As of now, he needs you to help him with the demons of his past. They will always creep up on him and will never leave his conscience alone. You are not only his wife, but his counselor, his confidant, his true other half. Please help him because it seems that he has not forgiven himself and he needs your to help him get there. So be there for him emotionally and physically. Do not divorce him, because you will only do more harm than good. Imagine if you left him, then what will he do? Do you think he'll be better without you? He could possibly go back to those carnal desires again and relive his past all over again. YOU are going to be his strength to pull him out of his nightmarish past. Only YOU can do this sister. And if you have the right intentions-niyya-to please Allah, then Allah will not only guide yall but He will put so much Barakah into your marriage that you'll have no regrets. Do this for the sake of Allah Ta'ala.

    Lastly you stated:"I was interested in my sister's bf's brother, who once proposed to me and was really rich and handsome [My husband is pretty good-looking too, but that's not enough anymore]. I now regret breaking my ex-fiancee's heart to have a failed excuse of a husband" Sister, who said that being "really rich and handsome" had any importance in an Islamic marriage? Prophet Muhammad-alayhi afdal salat wa salam-stated that we should look at a person's eman more than wealth and looks (roughly rephrasing here). Don't forget that Allah gives (and takes from) to whom He wills. Yes, a person might be rich one day and poor another day (and vice a versa). This whole dounya is Allah's Mulk (dominion) and only He is really in control of our bounty. So don't regret that person X is rich and put in your mind you "should've married him." Because if it was written in your book of life to marry him, then you would've married him. Put your trust and faith completely in Allah. He is the only One who knows what is good for you and therefore, he gave you what is good for you. Don't doubt that sister. There is something good in your husband. So, take care of what you have. Remember Allah says in Surat al Baqarah that "you might like something that's good, but its bad for you. And you might dislike something, but its good for you."---again, roughly quoting for you here. Allah knows what is best for you and your future. Trust in Him. Tawakali 'ala Allah ya ukhty.

    In conclusion, we are equal in front of Allah. Do not allow yourself to think you are better than him just because your past was "better than your husband's past." Maybe your past was not full of sins as much as his, but that doesn't mean your better than him. Maybe because of his sins he has become a much better muslim than the one who hasn't sinned at all. Remember we are sinners. And Allah wants us to make Tawbah...constantly. Only the Anbiya' (Prophets and Messengers) are sinless. Please help your husband and be the best that you can be. Bring out the best in your husband. Love him and show him that you are ready to help him move on to better brighter things in life. Life is precious and short, make the most out of it.

    Wishing yall the best in this dounya and the akhira sister. May Allah make everything easy for you and your husband and bless you all-always...Ameen

    As salam alaykoum
    Lisa

  3. @Samra

    Can you mention the reason why you rejected the previous man who was your fiancée?

    Allah Almighty gave you an opportunity in the form of a rich and handsome person who proposed to you and his heart was into you as well, but you ditched him for another man; you broke your ex-fiancée's heart, as you put.

    Do you suffer from PRIDE syndrome? Do you have inflated sense of your personal status?

    I can understand your predicament; nobody is perfect in this world but your husband's PAST is certainly horrible; sins such as watching porn and masturbation are NOTHING in comparison to "gay relationships." My God! This kind of activity is arguably among the WORST kind of SINS a person can commit.

    Also, even if you divorce your husband; are you sure that your ex-fiancée would want you back or you do not have shortage of options? Think wisely.

    Once you get divorced; young men will not perceive you in the same way as they would a single girl who have never married (human psychology).

    Learn a lesson from this: control your PRIDE syndrome. Allah Almighty dislikes this.

    • Brother, please dont forget that her husband was 14 years old when he had gay relationships.
      14 y.o is considered a minor child by laws of any country . Most likely he was a victim of sexual abuse by cruel men who "convinced" or forced him to do such disgusting acts.

      Dear Sister Samra.
      Your husband's past is between him and Allah (SWT) now, becuase he repented.
      Please, dont let Shaytan whisper doubts into your mind. This is one of the main goals of Shaytan- to split husband and wife at any costs according to the following Hadith:
      The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Shaytaan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him” (Sahih Muslim and narrated by Jabir Ibn ‘Abdullah).

      May Allah SWT strengthen your marriage and bless with all the goodness of this life and hereafter.

      • I understand that gay relationships are not allowed in Islam at all but sister Mary is right about the fact that since her husband was 14 years old this is the age where the sexual feelings are very intense and just because he has had gay relationships during this time does not make him actually gay. There are people that I know who have experimented with the same sex during this time and grew out of it when they became adults. Plus sister Samra wrote that he also was influenced by pornography which distorts a person's view on natural sexuality and they become desensitized by what is considered normal intimacy in marriage. Plus he was a minor and he could have been manipulated by these men who wanted sex from him and he could have been the victim and he needs all the support he can get, not rejection.

        Putting that aside I also want to say that it seems like he really does regret his past and is doing whatever he can to make up for it by being the best husband he could be. Think about it, if he hadn't gone through these things maybe he wouldn't be the good husband that he is now, only Allah knows.

        Temoor, just because she rejected her ex-fiance and broke his heart by rejecting his proposal does not mean that she "ditched him for another man". Maybe she didn't at that time want to be with that man and just rejected his proposal which is very common when searching for a spouse. Rejection is normal during this period when you want to explore your options more to see who would be a better fit for you as a husband.

        Also about this "Pride syndrome" what does that mean? I don't think she is suffering from this, I think she is suffering from feelings of hurt and betrayal which is perfectly normal when you find out dark secrets about the person you love. It will take some time to get over it and move on from it but it is something that anyone will feel when they find out something that they don't want to know, especially if they see that the person they are with is actually a good person and does everything right.

        Sister Samra, since you are not complaining about your intimate life and everything seems fine as of how he is as a husband I think that you should forgive his past and try to move on with your life with him. Your husband is doing a good thing by controlling his rogue desires by being with you instead and you are helping him get blessings instead of piling up sins. You are helping another human being get closer to Allah and this is maybe one of the reasons why he is so good to you because it is so so so so so hard to find a husband like that. Forget about your ex fiance whom you weren't able to marry, you didn't marry him for a reason because he may not be the one for you. If you even decide to divorce your husband to go back to him then there is no guarantee he will accept you back into his life or be as good as your husband is to you now.

        May Allah bless you and your husband and all Muslims and give you all good spouses who will help you get closer to Him and you will help them get closer to Him.

        • @Mary and Pepper

          Are you suggesting that teenagers are generally stupid enough to not know the difference between what is right and wrong?

          This "minor" argument makes no sense to me; different people mature at different age. Their is no FIXED AGE for maturity; for example 18 (This is a very stupid kind of assumption). Some people mature at much later stage; some earlier.

          I do understand that teenage phase is an experimental phase because of the hormones factor. However, an individual's brought-up also makes considerable difference. This guy (the husband in question) was infatuated with porn during his teenage years; while I will not personally judge him for this infatuation because many people fall victim to this EVIL but still a decent person can maintain some limits. If this guy have been abused during his teenage days then I sympathize with his position but the POINT IS THAT WE DO NOT KNOW THIS. He CONFESSED his FAULTS to his Wife; he didn't declare that he was ABUSED for such. Abused people can/do realize later on in their lives that they have been abused in the past during what I may dub as awakening phase; human mind is a very complex organ.

          Something should be done about porn addiction, IMO. It literally packs the capability to destroy the mindset of youth.

          I respect both of you but do not assume that I am in the WRONG END here. I used to be a teenager too.

          @Pepper

          I fully understand that nobody is perfect but the fact is that this sister (Samra) have been impractical in her decision-making and now she is complaining.

          You think that "engagement" is some kind of JOKE? It is a form of commitment. Do not confuse fiancé with a stranger; a fiancé is not a stranger in my books.

          What I want to know is that how this "another man" came in to the picture when the fiancé had everything to offer to this woman; money, commitment and vice versa. The manner in which this woman have described her now ex-fiancé; he seems to be an ideal choice for majority of woman. And yet she broke his heart by backing out from the commitment she made to him, as per her own admission. And she most likely took this step for this man; her current husband. Otherwise why would a person not commit to such an ideal individual?

          But if she met her current husband after breaking her engagement; then you have a point. But still she have no-one but herself to blame for making an irrational decision.

          Yes, Islam permits a woman to choose a partner for her but choice should be made on the basis of brain and not just heart; rationality comes from brain. It is OK and/or ADVISABLE to properly "evaluate" and "investigate" the potential suitor before tying-the-knot.

          I am actually questioning the "maturity of level" of the sister in question. She got an opportunity in the form of a nearly ideal fiancé and decided not to avail it. She considered another person for marriage but she is now complaining.

          My intended point is that she should be learn to adjust with him and tone down her arrogance or pride because I do get this type of cue from her message here. Nobody is perfect in this world! Nobody.

          • @ Tremoor

            This seems a little harsh I do not think you understand what I am trying to say. I am not in any way trying to attack you or say something negative to make you angry. Sister Samra never told us when she decided to marry her current husband and maybe she rejected the proposal of her ex fiance for other reasons that probably had nothing to do with her husband.

            But still she have no-one but herself to blame for making an irrational decision.
            How was this decision irrational? She is now with a man who she even admits is the best man she can get. She didn't know anything about her husband's problems when she was "investigating" him. These are things that men and women usually don't reveal and shouldn't reveal if they have really changed.

            I fully understand that nobody is perfect but the fact is that this sister (Samra) have been impractical in her decision-making and now she is complaining.

            She is complaining because she found out that her husband has performed big sins in the past and this makes her feel like her ex fiance didn't have sins as big as her husband's that's why she feels this way. If her husband didn't tell her his problems then I am pretty sure she would be just happy.

            You think that "engagement" is some kind of JOKE? It is a form of commitment. Do not confuse fiancé with a stranger; a fiancé is not a stranger in my books.

            No in Islam MARRIAGE is commitment. Engagements are not, you can't even be in the same room as the girl alone if you are engaged with her and you can't even speak to her without a mahrem present. Engagement is certainly not a joke but it is something that can break at anytime for any reason just like a relationship out of marriage. I don't even know if "engagement" as we see it is even part of Islam because it really doesn't make a difference, she is a non mahrem anyway. Which means that yes he is a stranger until the actual nikkah (marriage).


            What I want to know is that how this "another man" came in to the picture when the fiancé had everything to offer to this woman; money, commitment and vice versa.

            Maybe she just didn't like him and didn't care about what he had to offer, Allah knows but that's just how it is. Maybe she performed Istikhara and this was the answer she received, it is difficult because she hasn't given us more information as to why she rejected the proposal in the first place. As a Muslim woman wanting to get married I have seen men with good potential but I would feel more inclined towards someone else who is equally good but has something more to offer. Maybe her husband was like that if she did lets say choose him over her ex fiance. She even describes her husband as a good person and even as good looking right after she said the other man was good looking. I don't think she had any bad opinions about her husband before he let his secret out.

            I am actually questioning the "maturity of level" of the sister in question.
            This is her marriage and it is her choice, if she didn't want to marry someone who you think in your opinion from how she describes it as someone as nearly ideal it is for reasons that she knows therefore we shouldn't question her maturity.

            Other than all of this I agree that she should stick with her husband and work on her marriage.

  4. Dear sister the discust that you feel towards your husbands past should be directed at the monsters who did this to him,for heaven sake he was a child,this was a crime ,it is common for children lured into sexual acts to become hyper sexual and often blame themselves,you should try to invision this happening to your 14yr child,would you view it the same way?Allah has given you a great gift by in trusting you with this loving husband to care for,he has been given to you for a reason because Allah knows that you are the one to heal him and protect him.may Allah give you the strength ,and the compassion to do the right thing.inshallah

  5. To engage in the activities that your husband did at 14, is not excusable, but it is forgiveable especially since he has refrained from doing that and he was a child at the time.

    I do not want to judge him or you. Allah gave you and him specific tests that I can't relate to.

    I would say that you should not, by any means, consider separating yourself from your husband because right now he is doing his duties (and more!) for you as a husband should. If you think about your previous fiancee, every human can always find something better (or be tricked to think that).

    Your husband has qualities that probably the majority of women would hope to see in their husbands, but you have become blind to those good qualities by Shaitaan as he is hoping to make you go separate. If you never found this information out, how would you feel about ur husband then? I imagine, you would never even think or consider anyone else. This is just a trick by Shaitaan to separate the both of you.

    Every human has good and bad qualities and his seem to be in his past. If I were you, I would ask Allah to make your heart not listen to this whisper from Shaitaan and focus on all the things that make you love your husband. And you should love such a man who (and I think it is worth repeating) is a "really good husband...very nice, loving,sincere, faithful, caring...obedient... and loves [you] a lot." Is there something else you were hoping for in a husband? And on top of that, without you saying so, he himself asked for forgiveness and prevented himself from repeating those mistakes. Think of the advice we would give to a teenage boy in this situation--we would tell him to do exactly what your husband did and is doing. SubhanAllah. I really respect what your husband has done and I commend him on it.

    I pray that Allah increases the love between the both of you and hope you see the good in him again and again. Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

  6. Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

    One makes a mistake by telling others about his/her past sins.
    he/she should ask Allah to conceal his/her sins and not speak about it to anyone

    The Messenger of Allaah Muhammed (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

    “All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)

    Tell your husband that you came across the above hadees. ask him to repent sincerely for his past.
    tell your husband not to tell anyone about his sins.

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, Allaah forgives not that partners should be set up with Him (in worship), but He forgives except that (anything else) to whom He wills” [al-Nisaa’ 4:48, 116].

    The reason he may have told you about his past is because he trusts you.

    you said "He says he never deserved me. I agree. " <- This looks so rude to me.

    you said "I was interested in my sister's bf's brother, who once proposed to me and was really rich and handsome "

    The Messenger of Allah Muhammed(sallallahu alaihi wasalam) said:
    "Richness is not having many possessions, but richness is being content with oneself." Jami` at-Tirmidhi (Sahih)

    you are not the first woman from whom I am hearing something like this that -may be I should have had married the other guy instead of him.

    This could be the whispering of the shaitan. shaitan is our enemy . Don't forget that.

    Allah says (interpretation of the meaning)

    Surely, Shaitan (Satan) is an enemy to you, so take (treat) him as an enemy. He only invites his Hizb (followers) that they may become the dwellers of the blazing Fire.
    [Faatir 35:6 ]

    Allah says (interpretation of the meaning)

    "And if an evil whisper comes to you from Shaitan (Satan) then seek refuge with Allah. Verily, He is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
    [al-A’raaf 7:200 ]

    you should seek refuge with Allah . you should ignore the whispering of the shaitan.

    _________________
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  7. dear sister,

    be grateful to Allah, and make it easy for your husband not difficult. one of your duties as a wife is to provide support to your husband in his difficulties.

    lesson for every one - dont disclose your past once Allah has kept it hidden- as we never know how another human being will cope with it.

  8. Your fortunate to have such a great husband, and your talking about leaving him? He is repenting over his past what do you want more? If Allah can forgive who are we? As a sister I'm asking you to stop being so arrogant and accept your husband and his loyalty to you, and be the obedient wife you should be rather then sinning thinking about other men and what you could have had.

    I personally don't think you deserve your husband, but Allah thought different and Allah swt is best of thinkers alhamdulila.

    May Allah bless your marriage and protect your thoughts away from shaitan.

    Muslima

  9. Am I being ungrateful?

    Yes,you are.

    He says he never deserved me. I agree. He doesn't deserve me but am I really being ungrateful considering the extent of his sins?

    Talk about arrogance and pride.Your ego is sky-rocketing.

    I was interested in my sister's bf's brother, who once proposed to me and was really rich and handsome [My husband is pretty good-looking too, but that's not enough anymore]. I now regret breaking my ex-fiancee's heart to have a failed excuse of a husband.

    Should I take Talaq and go to the other man?

    So you want to destroy a peaceful loving relationship and go for a gamble......

  10. I honestly don't know what it would be like to be in this sister's shoes or her husband's. I know people are saying she is arrogant, but afterall, he should have not told her this information. Maybe she had a perfect image of him and this shattered that and it hurt her. I don't agree with the sister to end this marriage in the least, but I think it would be difficult to go through what she is going through INITIALLY.

    We all have arrogance in us, that is why we constantly have to fight our nafs to rid ourselves of entitlement/feelings of superiority and rather be grateful for Allah SWT's mercy and blessings.

    Her husband had to fight his desires (which weren't easy) and the sister has to be grateful for his good qualities. She just needs advice, not for us to run her down and tell her she is unworthy of him. The reason we shouldn't disclose our sins are precisely for what she is now going through. Shaitaan is trying to break a perfectly wonderful marriage.

    I hope sister (OP) that you realize how wonderful a husband you have and move on from this. I suggest you focus on the good things in your marriage and leave this in the past. May Allah have mercy on us and make us successful in this world and the next. Ameen.

    • Maybe it is so painful to him and he felt like he had no one to talk about it with,and felt he could confide in his wife that he loves so much

      • The grass is not always greener on the other side ,it's greener where you water it

        • It is irrelevant whether the grass is greener elsewhere - Even if she could have done better, she has a perfectly wonderful husband. We have to realize that he was in pain (and disclosed information to it) and now in the aftermath of it all, she is upset, which is understandable. This is the initial stage and I do believe that this sister can get over it and learn to love her husband and appreciate and respect him for the person he is - especially for how he treats her which she herself is admitting and acknowledging. Something he did at 14 years of age, should be left in the past.

          Confiding in your husband and wife is something a person should do with care - there is a lot of burden in knowing things you don't want to. Hence why we as Muslims are guided to hide our sins and ask for forgiveness with all sincerity. There is immense hikmah (wisdom) in this for us all. What's done is done though. May Allah protect their marriage and shower it with endless blessings. Ameen.

          • It is relevant because she is wondering if she should leave her husband and go with her sisters bf brother who like she says is rich and handsome,she has a case of the grass is greener.

          • "It is relevant because she is wondering if she should leave her husband and go with her sisters bf brother who like she says is rich and handsome,she has a case of the grass is greener."

            Dear sister Senna,

            I understand what you are saying. What I was trying to convey was that I don't think it is relevant WHERE the grass is greener because let's suppose some other man is actually better--that doesn't matter. IT is completely and utterly irrelevant.

            Her husband is a fine gentleman, she just needs perspective and guidance on how to deal with her emotions and I don't blame her. She may have vented some things here, but for a moment we should all imagine being in her shoes. Imagine our spouses telling us they had sexual relations with the same sex--how would that make us feel? I honestly just think she is going through the initial feelings of shock. Maybe she is worried that her husband might fall into this trap again. Imagine if our spouses told us that- we might wonder if they still want to do that or if they are-it would create all these unnecessary if's and's and but's.

            I actually appreciate the fact she didn't run her husband down and managed to tell us that despite his past, he is a wonderful person. She was able to put down her feelings and help us keep persecutive from how she chose her words. I don't think it is fair to run her down--I think Br. Abu Abdul Bari made great points. I also agree with Pepper too that we need to think of what she went through when her husband told her this. I am sure he trusted her, but maybe it was too much for her to take.

            Anyways, as you said, we all agree, she should not break ties with her husband and should remain with him for his good qualities and I agree 100%.

  11. In any case everyone seems to agree that she should stay with her husband ....end of story

  12. No matter how much one has money THIS does not buy or give you anything its the person that counts. You are lucky to even have a husband who has actually changed and is repenting for his mistakes. If your husband is a changed man which i believe he is i honestly think you are being unfair and ungrateful you are using his past against him. Its even haraam of you to think about your sisters brothers boyfriend when you are married having said that you are destroying your own marriage by opting out. The choice is yours.

  13. @Pepper

    I agree that we have limited information to rely upon from OP (Samra). Therefore, we are dealing with ambiguity in this discussion.

    You are approaching this issue on the basis of a different assumption; I am doing so on the basis of a different assumption.

    As I said before; I am interested in knowing the reason that why OP split from her ex-fiancé. As per her own admission, the ex-fiancé was rich, handsome and close to her. When OP split from him; he was heart-broken. So what was the reason of the split? This is the important question.

    Now coming towards your points:

    How was this decision irrational? She is now with a man who she even admits is the best man she can get. She didn't know anything about her husband's problems when she was "investigating" him. These are things that men and women usually don't reveal and shouldn't reveal if they have really changed.

    This "My husband is the best man I can get" is a subjective statement; maybe this is a love marriage or something. After-all, OP's ex-fiancé seems to be impressive as per her disclosure.

    As far as the PAST is concerned; well I disagree with you here. If I am getting married to someone, I would want to know about her PAST history; specially relationship history if any. I wouldn't expect perfection but I have a criteria in my mind that shall be met.

    When you marry someone, you (logically) trust that person enough to share your secrets with him/her or you slowly but surely develop such level of trust during the course of the marriage. If you cannot do this; then you are not having an HONEST relationship. In my books, honesty is very important component of a relationship such as marriage.

    She is complaining because she found out that her husband has performed big sins in the past and this makes her feel like her ex fiance didn't have sins as big as her husband's that's why she feels this way. If her husband didn't tell her his problems then I am pretty sure she would be just happy.

    Her husband came clean because he wants to have HONEST relationship with her which is great in my books. OP (Samra) perhaps was expecting her "spouse" to be PERFECT; well nice wake-up call for her, I guess.

    No in Islam MARRIAGE is commitment. Engagements are not, you can't even be in the same room as the girl alone if you are engaged with her and you can't even speak to her without a mahrem present. Engagement is certainly not a joke but it is something that can break at anytime for any reason just like a relationship out of marriage. I don't even know if "engagement" as we see it is even part of Islam because it really doesn't make a difference, she is a non mahrem anyway. Which means that yes he is a stranger until the actual nikkah (marriage).

    I fully understand the concept of relationships in Islam. However, engagements are not done in haste either; sometimes people do not plan to wed right-away due to personal reasons so they show commitment in the form of "engagement." I have seen people engaged to each other for long periods such as 2 years and then marry eventually. One "potential" benefit of engagement is that you can get to know your "significant other" better prior to tying the knot. Regardless, I do not intend to defend or critic the concept of engagement.

    If OP can break off from someone as ideal as her ex-fiancé (as per her own disclosure) then I am correct to assume that she either packs "inflated sense of self-worth" or she have "unrealistic expectations" about her partner. Not surprisingly, she learned the bitter truth the hard way. Perhaps her husband is romantic as per her tastes but she eventually found out that nobody is perfect. And now she regrets her decision; just look at some statements she made in her disclosure - these statements reveal her arrogance. She has made her choice and now she should stick by it; she should regard the revelation as a test for her mindset from Allah Almighty, repent and make things work. If she cannot find PEACE then she have the option of divorce.

    Maybe she just didn't like him and didn't care about what he had to offer, Allah knows but that's just how it is. Maybe she performed Istikhara and this was the answer she received, it is difficult because she hasn't given us more information as to why she rejected the proposal in the first place.

    Sir, OP was "engaged" to this man. The word fiancé is not used for strangers. OP broke off the engagement and consequently broke the heart of her fiancé as per her own admission. This is a "red flag", IMO.

    As a Muslim woman wanting to get married I have seen men with good potential but I would feel more inclined towards someone else who is equally good but has something more to offer. Maybe her husband was like that if she did lets say choose him over her ex fiance. She even describes her husband as a good person and even as good looking right after she said the other man was good looking. I don't think she had any bad opinions about her husband before he let his secret out.

    OP have clearly pointed out that her ex-fiancé is more impressive. Anyways, she has compared men; we didn't. So their is no point in arguing about this.

    My intended point is that if you get a decent opportunity from Allah Almighty; it is wise to avail it. Such opportunities do not easily come. Also, if you have made a decision to not avail an opportunity, then be confident enough in your choice and cope with it.

    This is her marriage and it is her choice, if she didn't want to marry someone who you think in your opinion from how she describes it as someone as nearly ideal it is for reasons that she knows therefore we shouldn't question her maturity.

    I think that I have offered sufficient explanation in this response about the cue that I get about OP's mindset. Yes, her maturity level comes in to question given her arrogant responses, impulse based decision-making and vice versa. I am sorry, if this sound harsh to you but this is how I judge her on the basis of her disclosure.

    Other than all of this I agree that she should stick with her husband and work on her marriage.

    Thank you

    • Assalamoalaikum Warahmatulah Wabarakatahu

      I was actually divorced with a child before my marriage and the other man's proposal. I just had this feeling that the other man was not comfortable with 'other' people's children, whereas my husband (husband to be at that time) semed more open to the idea of having step-children. So I chose the man who is now my husband.

      I have to say when I first got married I could not understand how my husband accepted another man's children so readily.

      I am sorry but I really did not realise any arrogance on my part. I just don't know how to cope with my husband's past. He is the sweetest and most caring man any wife could dream of but the trith about him makes my heart itch. And I can't help but have waswaas about the ex-fiance.

      • Wa Alaikum as salam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakaatuhu,

        Sister, I think if you read the above advises, you will find a lot of help in forgetting or forgiving his child. You say you have a child. What if someone (may Allah proect your child from such a thing) convinces your child to do evil? Will he or she be held totally accountable for the sin?

        Yes, once a person reaches puberty, takes on the responsibility of ones own sin, but it is easier to convince that person to act on the desire. Even if one chose to give into the desire, tawbah is what counts. And your husband was a child when he did this.

        I suggest you to read the advises above and take help in supporting your man. The most important thing is: he is no more gay, and his past experiences will force him to be loyal to you and his family. What else do you want from him? Everyone on this page seem to agree that divorce is out of options. And staying with him and worshipping Allah together could result in a house for you both in Jannah, in sha Allah.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalam alaikum,
        Sister Samra,

        You made a choice to marry this man in the interest of your child and you made the right choice. It is good that you recognize that the thought of the other man is a waswasa.

        You should cope with this knowledge of your husband by understanding the situation he was in. You brought him so much peace, that he felt like telling you. Even though he shouldn't have, he felt he needed to. It is now done and can't be undone, but you should put your emotions aside for a moment and think of what that 14 year boy (not man) went through. How horrible and horrific.

        Secondly, how do you know that if you married the other man that maybe you would have found out some horrible secret from his past? Or what if he didn't have a bad past, but didn't treat you with love or treat your child with care and respect? What if you married that other man, don't you think that Shaitaan would whisper things to you to ruin that marriage? You can't really think it would only be good, but what you can be absolutely sure of is the reality that you are living in RIGHT NOW. Your husband is a wonderful person, and treats you well, and we can assume he treats your child well since you haven't mentioned anything.

        Take a deep breath. Think about the Day of Judgement when we will all be in front of Allah and will be extremely hopeful for His Mercy and begging for His Forgiveness. If Allah can forgive when we ask for sincere forgiveness, that is a huge message for us all. I hope you come to terms with this and inshaAllah, you will see even better times. Do not let the waswasa break down your successful marriage.

      • Sister Samra,

        Life is so short and it is so very difficult to find a good husband especially in the west where I am from. Please forgive him for his shortcomings and understand that he has so easily accepted your child as his child. This is a blessing from Allah because not too many men would accept other women's children as part of their own. In some cultures such as the culture of the man who broke my heart, the men are not even required to even see their wife's children once he marries her.
        I remember how heart broken I was for the kids when I asked him if he would let the children move in with him and he said "No, the children has their own family." Be thankful to Allah that you are not married to someone like that where you would have to choose between your husband and your child.
        If you divorce your husband, let it be because he has cheated on you, abused you or left Islam because these things are major things that are happening everyday in marriages. The women in these relationships who love their spouses so much would gladly prefer their spouse to have a dark past and repenting and changing than being in these abusive marriages where they are being neglected.
        In fact I would do anything to be able to get a man who made errors in his past and uses it to become a much better person who treats me better. Thank you so much sister because you have opened my eyes and made me realize that I should as well forgive my future husband for his shortcomings if he repents and changes and fears Allah just like how your husband does. I know how it feels to have a very very dark past and I am very much haunted by it and I have made a commitment to change and not do it ever again and Alhamdulilah i haven't done it since. Maybe you husband is that way also.
        Also divorce is a big thing and should be the ultimate last resort if everything else is not working. Give it some time and you will accept it and get over it inshallah. Sometimes it is very difficult to find someone who will accept your child again and accept the fact that you are divorced twice. Maybe you do find someone and what if you find something else wrong with him and realize that the one that you have now was by far the best one? It will be too late then but it is not too late now. Work on your marriage and ignore the whispers of Shaytan telling you that your fiance might have been a better choice. Clearly you admit that your husband was a better choice and you realized that before all the emotions filled you, you thought that with your logic and so put your trust in Allah and work with him to a happy marriage that you will not regret in the hereafter.

        -Starclusters

        • Dear star clusters, are you saying that your future husband is not allowing your children to live with him?

          • No, I am saying that the man who I wanted to marry didn't care at all about the kids of the woman he is engaged with. If I were in that situation I don't know if I can be with a man who will neglect my child, so sister Samra is very blessed by Allah to find someone like her current husband because there are marriages being broken just because the kids couldn't get along with the new parent.

            -Starclusters

  14. Mashallah everyone is so passionate on this topic,and now knowing this new information that your loving husband accepted and loves your child is huge! Wow sister you have a gem of a husband ! You see how lucky you are ? It is rare to find a man who will accept a child from a previous marriage ,even more reason to hold on to this man tightly.as for his past I know it is disturbing I agree,and the visual of it is the worst,but what is far more disturbing is the adult MEN that has sex with a 14 year old child,this is a criminal act,wether or not the 14 yr old was a willing participant or not,it is abuse because a 14 yr old is not at the age of consent legally ,this is called statutory rape,wether the victim realizes it or not.these men should have been arrested and thrown in jail! But instead they are out there doing this to who knows how many other children.as far as the homosexual ,porn ,masturbation,is all after affects of the abuse! I have worked extensively with children and orphans in the sex trade industry and the aftermath of what these monsters have done and it is disturbing beyond belief and heartbreaking,if anyone is interested in learning more the foundation is called Zoe international

  15. salams

    i badly need advice in the light of Quran and sunnah

    • aney, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Asalamualikum wa Rehmathullahi wa BErakathuhu

    my dear sister you are not just being ungrateful 2 your husband but u are also being ungrateful 2 Allah.!!!
    there no human in this world without committing sins no 1 if any 1 person who is perfect in every way den that is our Beloved Prophet Muhammad saw. wotevr your husband did was before your marriage and he is regretting about his past then wots wrong?? if Allah Subhanatallah can forgive his servents then why cant we human forgive our brothers and sisters y ???? ok wot your husband did was wrong but just think about yourself.. wot are you doing right now you are thinking abt another guy is which is really bad and haram my dear sister please dunt try for divorce please don't leave him I am sure once if u leave him you will surely regret please sister stay happily wid him as now he is treating you as a queen please forgiv him

    May Allah guide every ummathi Muhammad on the staright path Ameen

  17. if i understand it correctly, you don't love him and now finding his dark past as an excuse to marry someone you have feelings for?

    this is not fair with your husband and as we say what goes around comes around, you may regret later what you are planning

  18. Assalamualaikum...

    Just a simple words... Nobody is perfect... Not even you, Only Allah who has the authority for the judgement... Then how could you said that you are better than him? I think the problem is in you, not your husband... I hope you realized with every blessing that Allah has given to you.

  19. I am a Muslim, and I have helped many women deal with this gay husband issue. If your husband just experimented and is not really a homosexual - keep him for his all other pleasant qualities. But you must investigate his current status: Check his browser history, emails and current friends he meets. Most gays who marry women are really good to their wives - but they cheat on the side with men. If it is true in your case, leave him immediately.

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