IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

I've known a guy for 4 months now.

I've been afraid to get into a relationship and get hurt, so when we started talking and he showed his interest in marriage I had told him about my parents expectations and my expectations initially only to which he agreed by telling me that he had a sound financial stability

*secure financial stability being the most important as all parents want their child to be married off to a person who can meet her lifestyle provided by them comfortably if not more, which I believe can be said as "marry the person from your own status"

I told him to think over the financial stability factor and also the fact that I am 2 years older to him. And he said he'd manage and convince his parents, all these things are much doable.

Initially things were great, then he started saying that he can't pick my call at all times as he's with his parents, at the age of 26 years. He had no job because he had recently graduated and had quit his old job, and I was working, but whenever he'd call regardless where I was I'd always give him and our relationship importance by either texting back or picking up the call if I could at work, other wise I would always take his call. Problems started coming in when i started keeping some expectations out of me to call me back or take my calls and also because he did not have a job so he would be depressed, hence I tried my best helping him out with jobs. We were managing things, when my mom was diagnosed with Cancer and both my parents left for the US for the treatment and i followed them soon there too, its been a month that I am here with my parents, getting my mother's treatment done who stands at the last stage of Cancer with a lot pf prayers to ALLAH (SWT) to help her over come the cancer as 3 Chemo's have been done and now we're waiting for the CT Scan to show how her body has responded to the Chemo cycles, InshaALLAH if the results are good they'll proceed with the surgery otherwise there is no cure.

So when I came here, soon after he found a job in the education sector, and is settling in well from what he says. But he still has no time to take my calls despite myself calling from the US to him back home. He gives importance to every other thing but me, and there is always some excuse or the other as to why he's been unable to write back via e-mail to pick my calls or call back.

Hence I performed an Istikhara twice at two different occasions and got the same answer: Neither good not bad with the intention of if this relationship is good to be going towards a marriage. And I told him about it, and he did his too, took 2 weeks to get back with me on the same, wand during this time his attitude became a little better but about his Istikara, first he did it with a a blank mind and his answer was no, then he repeated it after a couple of days (after getting his act together) and it said the same: Neither good not bad, as he ased to same question as I did. On top of that he asked another person someone he looks up to to do an Istikhara for us giving the first letter of my first name and my last name. To which the man told him that she's having some problems in her family to which he told him that my mom was sick, the man also told him that I have faced health issues, which I have previously and he knows about it (was cleared to him when we started talking) and hence I will be facing some serious health issues so i should get complete checkup done for myself. He also told him that it will not be easy initially. But he did not tell him if it would be okay later or not. Hence he confused again and wants to do another Istikhara to see what he feels he should do.

While my life is falling apart, he's not helping me out by being there for me in the most difficult time of my life. Instead is making me hang in there by telling me that he's unsure if he will be able to stand by my and he'll be able to convince his parents as they're suggesting a girl in marriage to him because they feel it is time he settles.

I've told him that it is the correct time to tell his parents about me, as they know nothing about my existence, only if he's sure of this relationship at his end. He also mentioned that since his family has recently under gone a financial crunch, he might not be able to meet my and my family's expectations, to which I told him that what if it were to happen later when we were married, what would he have done about it then and my family has been where he is now, hence this is a situation which demands understanding. Even after writing so many e-mails explaining him not to worry about petty issues for now and take one thing at a time, he should be sure if he wants this relationship to work.

He's of the opinion of not letting anyone know about his relationship until it is approved, hence he would not seek any help on this matter from a friend s well.

I am extremely devastated and sad to know that even after my constant efforts and trying to make him understand he's not receptive towards anything, and now knowing that I'll have more health issues later on in my life at the point in time when my mom is so unwell and his attitude in which everything is more important then I am, I am extremely upset. Cannot speak of this  with anyone as everyone is so worried about my mom, including my friends. No matter what I have been reciting since yesterday, I have had a heavy heart.

What should I do and understand from all this happening in between me and him...

- SUNNY