Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Healthy marriage or not?

Day and night

Salaam,

Sorry for the long post in advance. I got married 7 months ago, it was an arranged marriage we met and spoke etc. However ever since we got married I've felt my husband has been very immature and disrespectful. A week after the wedding he got upset over the smallest thing and gave me the silent treatment.

We are not living in the same country at the moment, as he is applying for immigration.

He doesn't communicate/ talk properly. He doesn't talk about things if they don't interest him, for example multiple times I have sent him pictures of me or just sent messages in general about what I'm doing but he just replies "ok" and says I don't like to build on conversations. I spend half my week at his relatives place because I want to keep good ties etc, and often when I talk general things about me and his family he speaks abt his own aunt's family disrespectfully. I try my very best to keep good relations with his family, I spend lots of time with them, and even those who live abroad, I stay in touch with them.

He claims I just need to learn to understand why he is the way he is and i need to understand he is not like a regular person, and I have spent months explaining he cannot act and talk how he does and he needs to become respectful and nice. He tells me to move on forget anything hes said and done and live in the present but I have to explain he can't justify his actions and words by telling me to ignore it. Often he doesn't even pick up where he has acted weird.

He says not to judge him because he's not physically in front of me and that if he was in front I wouldn't think like this. He claims he is very mature and responsible but I do not see it at all. But for me I believe a kind caring respectful person who knows how to talk normally can do it over the phone (texting calling) or in person.

Every few days I find myself explaining and teaching him the basics of communication and respect and how to be a normal person, and he keeps saying he will try but then he still says weird things after. I have been very confused about what I should do.

I haven't told anyone in the family because I don't want them to lose respect for him, and I wanted to try on my own before involving others. But now I have already spent so many months being spoken to like this I don't want to continue dealing with it. I understand a husband and wife should always support each other, always try their best to work things out, they should try to solve it between themselves, that is why for so many months I have been trying through speaking to him but now he has said so many things and showed me so many weird, disrespectful acts, I don't know whether to believe he will actually change. What is your best advice?

muslimah001

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4 Responses »

  1. My sister the only thing i can tell you is that the relationship changes in person so don't fall into the trap of shaitan and think too much about these little things you will see differently once you guys are living together

  2. Maybe he just married you for immigration and was not really mature enough to get married. After you have tried everything and it still effecting you a lot, then you should get your family involved. You deserve to be content with your life.

  3. Salam,

    I recommend getting divorced now. There are four predictors of divorce and you are already doing two of them. Contempt, or looking down on someone is what you're doing. And you're doing this because there seems to be a class difference in basics of talking. Stonewalling or defensiveness is what he's doing. Instead of actually fixing his issues he would like you to accept him as not being "normal". You have no kids, it has been seven months, I wouldn't deal with him with patience. I would get a divorce and move on assuming it's not as difficult to get remarried. At this point if you haven't even consummated the marriage then even better.

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