Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heartbroken by his lies

pain healing

Salam brothers and sisters,

It has been 5 months since my last post. In short, i am a muslim girl from uk and was involved with a collegue for four years who was a few years my senior. I understand now my actions were wrong and why islam forbids pre marital relationships for its a pain that will remain with me now. I was left heartbroken when he left me to get married to a girl from pakistan,he broke up with me a few months before saying he wanted time to consider our future and only informed me of his marriage a few weeks before and I also found out that he had been engaged to her for the whole duration of our relationship. During our relationship i lost my virginity to him and even when he knew his wedding was being planned he kept a relathionshiop with me and kept me in dark. He later claimed he thought thigd would work out with us.He claimed to have no feeling for her and said that during his engagemnt he hardly spoke to her. He later admitted he did care for her but didn't love her. He proposed I become his second wife as he went for his parents choice bt I feel he gave me that option knowing I wouldn't want to share him and when I did agree he found ways to say it would be best to forget each other move on as it wasn't the wish of my mum, his mum and his wife who he told he was considering a second marriage.

I lost my virginity to this man, although I have repented and trying to keep up my prayers I still have such a heavy heart and feeling of emptiness. I know he treated me very badly with his lies but I csnt seem to get him out my head and move on and I hate myself for that.i find myself missing him,and try my hardest not to think of what has happned but feel worthless to know i was left for someone who he deemed better.he was serious enough to be intimate but not make a commitment. I have lost the happy person I was csnt sleep eat or concentrate on daily life and it makes me feel even worse to think I feel like I'm being punished which I know i deserve for angering allah and he has moved on so easily after breaking a girls heart,he is not doing anything wrong now in wanting to talk and get to know his wife but i feel upset to know he has what we had with someone else which i know is wrong of me to think. I hare knowing he is intimate 4th someone else and is now with a girl who loves him dearly and thinks of him as perfect. He was rewarded with a nice loving wife and it makes me feel very sad that all I will ever be is a sin and part of his past. My parents want me to get married but I rejected too many proposals for him and now there are no proposals coming and I feel I will never find that love again whereas he found it so easily and is happy. He has a good job and everything is going well for him whereas I feel my life has fallen to pieces and i have ruined myself before I'm even married for i won't be able husband whole heartedly when I do get married for i will always be comparing him 🙁

i don't understand what to do to help me for i have been doing prayers and Dua and repenting and still feel all this in my heart and when I see him happy it makes me feel dirty and saddened to know how badly i was used and how quickly he has moved on and found happiness.


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13 Responses »

  1. Assalamolaikum sister Muslimgirl88 ,

    Sorry to hear about your situation .
    There is lesson to be learnt for you and everyone here .If you had followed only simple rule of Islam which is Hijab and no friendship with men you would have avoided this situation and the complete mess .
    I understand people do mistake but How can you allow to do the same mistake again and again with him ? You now ZINA is grave sin ?
    I have observed that most of the time these type of men end up marrying other girl after having fun with girl friend so girls need to be careful or in simple wolds follow basic rule of Islam .

    You need to repent yourself sincerely and avoid marrying till you don't remove this man completely out of your mind . It seems if you get married to new guy and if your old boyfriend called you back it seems you might again fall for him leading to further mess So wait till you don't completely remove him out of your mind .
    You need to go with new mind and honesty for your marriage .

    This is the month of Ramzan so pray more and ask for forgiveness from Allah .

    Allah hafiz

  2. Dear sister ,

    Repent and ask forgiveness from Allah .

    Say: “O ‘Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    Quran (Surah Az-Zumr, Verse 53)

  3. My grand father used to tell me " if you worship Allah sincerely from your soul no phycholigical depression and come to you" my grand father died 20years ago I am 45 now I realized 🙂

    Don't get lost sister, we might think we are far away from Allah but when you close your eyes and do dikir you will find Allah didn't move an inch from you!!!

  4. Dear MuslimSister88,

    Assalam alaikum,
    Ramadhan Mubarak. May Allah's blessings be with you. Sister, during this month Allah gives us ample opportunities to seek His Forgiveness, inn shaa Allah you can work on that and I hope you continue in your repentance.

    Sister, from your previous and current posts it is evident that you know what happened and understand the reality of the events and yet you are suspended still in feelings that have trapped you. I cannot emphasize enough that you have to be willing to let it all go and whether he was good or a bad, this is now over.

    You have to accept your mistake of allowing this to happen. You have to then forgive yourself and sometimes this is very difficult to do. But, you should forgive yourself and move on. I also think you should stop tallying what is good in his life and what is bad in your life. This process of thinking implies that you think that people get what they deserve in this world--there are many examples in this world of good people suffering and bad people living luxurious lives--but all of these are trials, not deserved lifestyles, necessarily.

    Once you have accepted your responsibility in the chain of events that led you to this moment and then, inn shaa Allah you forgive yourself, work constantly on spending each moment in remembering Allah swt. i believe had you ended up marrying him you would never have regretted sinning with him before marriage as you are now--so, as painful as it is, you are awakening from a sleep in which you were blinded by the emotions fed by his charm--let it all go now Sister.

    May Allah envelope you in His Mercy, surround you with goodness, raise you in Deen and release you from this pain towards a better life, Ameen, thummah Ameen.

    • I agree .I have observed that most of the time people have realized that they have committed SINS only after they were cheated by boyfriends/girlfriends otherwise they would not have thought that they have committed such a grave sins which needs repentance sincerely .From this point every act should be to please Allah . You should not fall for this guy again if he calls you in between for physical relationship as after knowing so much if you commit Zina again Allah will not forgive you .
      Take Ramzan as an opportunity to change your self as a good Muslim .

  5. keep repenting.. take ur time to marry till u get ur mind fresh..

  6. As-salamu Alaykum,
    I am sorry for what happened to you. If this person is still your colleague, then you should find a different place to work and remove all traces of him from your life. Do not ask other colleagues about his news or try to find out about his life and marriage via the Internet or any other means. You must accept that things are over between you and move on to different and more beneficial things. Usually when we dwell on something too much it is because we do not have enough beneficial things to fill our time. My suggestion is to start filling your time with things that will benefit you and others both in this life and in the Hereafter. Maybe you could even turn a negative into a positive by writing articles directed at young women who are vulnerable to these types of relationships. By writing about the problem, you could help others avoid the hardships you have experienced. If writing is not your cup of tea, try using whatever skills you may have to help people in other facets of life.

    The questions I would ask myself are:

    What does Allah SWT want me to do with my unique skills and experiences?
    Can I turn this bad experience into something positive? What lessons have I learned?

    Insha'Allah you will find the path to recovery, but you have to start by taking the first steps, and Ramadan is a really good time to make some changes.

  7. Salama Aleikum sis,

    It's clear that you are remorseful for your actions and understand that they are wrong. However this is coupled for a longing in your heart to that which led you to sin. Part of repentance is to give the sin up and all ways that lead to it. In order for you to heal and move forward in life you have to look at the situation for what it is. This is not a romantic fairy take story of how love is strong enough to overcome all. The wrong type of love and wanting can lead us to hellfire whereas the right type of love and serving a husband in the realms of Islam can lead us to paradise. Can you not see the big difference between these two realities sister? You can have love, respect and romance in a halal way with someone who cherishes you as his wife. Why undermine your integrity and long for this man who has only wronged you? He lied and cheated you. He was in control of the situation and used you.

    Some Muslim men think that their sin of zina is somehow less to a woman's sin of zina. Wrong! He will have to answer Allah swt for his role in this and I hope he comes to his senses, repents and leaves you be.

    Sister take charge of yourself for only you are responsible for you. There needs to be no prolonged process of getting this man out of your mind and life. NO. Sister make a true commitment to yourself and Allah swt that you have closed that door to Zina and STOP. I know this is hard but you need a clean cut. He is nothing but a simple man. Don't give him the status you are giving him because he does not deserve it.

    Be re-assured that you can and will move on from this. You will have every chance to marry a righteous husband in the future inshAllah. You work on yourself and you will see the blessings of Allah swt all around you.

    Don't be disheartened, you're not alone sis. Make the most out of Ramadan and repent sincerely to Allah swt. Believe in yourself and pray for Allsh swt Mercy, forgiveness and concealment of your sin. Do you not think this is possible? Do not limit the Mercy of Allah swt. Recite the quraan and make dua, cry for your sins and repent for the best of those who sin are those who repent. And all human beings sin sister.

    Warm hug.

  8. hi I m telling u what I observed we know in islam premartial relations
    r not allowed as u said that its painful in the end when u were in relation u forget
    each and everything wht is good and bad now u r broken heart u r repenting
    on ur sins which is really good as far I experienced from my lifetrue love only exist
    for ALLAH who is always there when ever we need HIM so just relax and be happy
    cuz ALLAH gives a chance to u for repentance and must ask for forgivnes as this is
    month of ramzan shed off all thought from ur mind and fast and pray for ALLAH
    cuz I have read agar ap ramzan m sachy dil se ibadat kro to past k gunnah maaf kar
    diye jaty hain so sweet heart just focus on prayers and as he is no more in ur
    life so dont allow ur thoughts to be in grief cuz of him

  9. Amel has given you excellent advise please listen.

    Whatever has happened has happened please move on
    You will get a rishta turn the negative into positive

    I strongly recommend you for your own safety leave this job, cut all contact, and look for another job elsewhere inshAllah Allah will give you a better job. The more you go back the less likely you will see the good in front of you. Let yourself heal and let the good happen for the better inshAllah.

  10. salam........i have been in the same situation for 3 years...i met a guy on internet...he showed interest in me n proposed me for marriage but that time due to some reasons he changed his mind...he kept on trying n testing me....he said that he was doing that to make me more patient which he thought i was not....he never talked to his family about me....we never met but were in touch on phone....then he stopped talking to al this time he demanded me things to do on phone which i couldn't do..then he used to say you are not obedient n patient...u can't be a good wife....i told him that it was not right to demand these things without marriage....he knows a lot about islam..he shares quranic verses n hadiths on his FB.....he abused me n treated me very bad....i didn't leave him because i wanted to marry him..i just wanted that i shud marry the man whom i have talked ...i didn't have any relation or feelings for any other man...he was n still is the first man to come in my he is engaged to another girl n has cut all the connections....he is happy n enjoying with his fiance...i have cried a lot for him..i made a lot of dua from ALLAH to melt his heart n make me his life partener..but my duas are not acceptd...currently am reading wazeefa to make him love me again n accept me as his wearing amults n i pray alot....i have alos repented for the wrong i have made...i just cry like so hurt n broken...i dont know what my future will be...the thought of spending my life with any other man just kills me....can anyone tell me why just i am suffering n why he is enjoying his life....he has also sinned...why just girls are left to weep?....he has moved on so easily and i just cant take him out of my mind....i keep on checking his FB...i keep on looking at the face of his fiance n i just cry my heart out....

  11. sidra i have been through this situation a guy who used to
    say me that he loves me there is no place in his life for anyoneelse
    so dear the truth is now he is getting married with another girl
    only we girla r fool who weep for boys but now u have to take charge
    of ur mind and feelings dont think about him keep urself busy whatever happened
    dont think pray and repent for what u have done

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