Heartbroken by my husband’s secret second marriage
He has a secret second wife...
I am married to my husband for 11 years. Last month I discovered my husband's secret marriage which was done 3 years back and I totally had no idea about it. he has been cheating me these 3 years and telling me there is no other woman in his life.
I applied for divorce and the sharia court has given me 3 months for reconsidering the divorce application. I have huge pain in my heart. I can't digest his second marriage. Every time I think how fool I was to believe him and trust him I curse on myself. I can’t stop crying. My life never going to be the same. I am broken. I am shocked.
I married him by love and now he has cheated me. I can’t forget and forgive him in my heart. I can’t accept this truth that there is another wife in his life.
I am the mother of our 3 kids. I am of course concerned about them but what I do with my feeling? I don’t think I can get along with this situation. I know I financially need his support for raising kids but I must kill myself to live with him for the sake of my kids. I am so disappointed. I am burning inside. He calls it jealousy but I am really dying inside.
Please help me. What shall I do? I can’t force him to divorce her and I can’t live with him with her. I love my kids too much and I have tried my best but I swear I can’t take it anymore. This fault is not the only one I am asked to forgive - he has many mistakes and I can't forgive them all...
elham
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Assalam alaikum,
Dear Sister,
There are many things that I could say and many things that some people will say that it is his right and that you must accept it. Those are true. I think the part that you are struggling with is knowing that you trusted your husband and believed him to be someone else but that ended up not being the case. You may be struggling with both him secretly marrying, but also with him not being fully honest.
We can certainly discuss why he didn't tell you and that he can validly marry without telling you, but if he did so in order to not hurt you, telling you that you are jealous isn't going to lessen your pain.
What you must decide is how much you can bear? You have to juggle your feelings with the well-being of your children. It is very easy for anyone to tell you to end your marriage or to even continue it, but either way, the pain is only yours.
In making a decision, I do suggest that you look very carefully at the last 3 years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. During the time that he was married to both you and his 2nd wife without your knowledge, how did he treat you? Maybe you need some time away from him, sometime to think about what you really want and what you can and can't do. Take time, do Isthikhara, write down the pros and the cons, don't rush into any decision.
May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.
I too have a similar situation. I am probable luckier than you in respect that we have no children together
I can understand to a degree what my husband married his first wife again. I don't agree with his reason but he says he did what he had to. I will never forget that my husband went behind my back to remarry this woman. He asked me to forgive but I told him it's not up to me to give forgiveness. Only God will do this. I will never trust my husband again and he knows this. As soon as the time is right for me I will leave him. I believe that you cannot truly love some one again when the trust is gone. When ever he tells me something
I tell him I don't believe him anymore and he can say and do what he likes. This works for me
Salam sister!! What did u decide to do after finding out about your husbands secret marriage? My husband has done that to me too and has a child with that 2nd lady but doesn't want a life with her but I'm dying inside cos he lied to me!! I have 2 kids with him and am confused myself!
Is painful but you must be careful of taking devotion please.
Same too
I am in the same situation and dont know what to do
Assalamualaikum dear , don’t worry be calm and free urself from burden of his betrayal … by spending time for urself, spend some time with kidz observe them and smile and thank Allah that He blessed u with so adorable kidz .. Alhamdulilah…later ask urself ur happiness and focus urself or engaged urself in activities u like to do… surely you will find a way out…inshallah… past few months ago similar thing happened with me…. very tough for any women also but instead of his deeds …I focus on my happiness which I left long ago for my husband but now as I have reasons and excuses because of him … I started my new journey of discovering myself …improving myself ..,what makes me happy or sad what I like to do…what I don’t like…. I concentrated in Quran and learned that in Islam many women went through these phase of wives and accepted Allah will and rules of Islam … it’s tough to understand and have patience to that limit but we can if we trust Allah swt completely…. Inshallah..I hope these words will help u.to be strong…. inshallah
the same happened to me. im a revert been together for 15 years ive dealt with many many terrible things and the just 1 month ago he told me he married another woman 2 years ago and has possibly got a child with her which he believes she was already carrying before he married her. ive given him 6 children and stayed loyal and respectful throughout many years of distress caused by him. ive asked for a divorce because I cant bear what he has done. im devastated. ive tried to be everything he has wanted and yet still his greed took over him. I feel sick with the thought of being with him again. I will never trust or love him like I always did ever again.
I feel I would rather be alone forever than be with him because lets face it no man will want a woman with 6 small children. I know I dont want him but my issue is how can I let go of this hatred I now hold?
I am a Muslim convert. The right for a man to marry a second wife is nearly always opposed to Islamic teaching. The Koran states that you treat both wives equally. The men don’t, therefore it is against the word of the Koran.
Salam Karim,
The right to marry a second wife comes from Islam. As such, something that comes from the Quran cannot also then be against its teachings. The Quran does say to treat the wives fairly and many men do fail, however, their failure doesn't mean that the Quran is then against it. This logic you're using is flawed and you can see it by applying it to other parts of the Quran:
The Quran says that Muslims should pray Fajr, many muslims fail to pray Fajr, according to your logic then the Quran is against praying Fajr? The Quran says that people to should pray at the mosque, many don't show up for their 5 prayers at the mosque because it's too time consuming. If many fail does that mean the Quran is against praying at the mosque?
Please don't use this logic to justify to yourself that which you find difficult to accept. If it is in the Quran, even if you dislike it, try to see the positive aspects of it. Allah uses good reasoning to ask for what Allah asks. I've found myself questioning certain rules myself only to realize later the greater impact of the rule I could not see before. I had a problem with hands being lobbed off for stealing but which is better? One hand lobbed off or constant fear of theft, paying for jail time for many people, and destroying relationships between the thief and his family as well as their support? The low perceived risk of theft causes a high rate of theft whereas a threat of high punishment prevents it without ever having to punish regularly. Similarly, there are many benefits to second marriages and problems as well but the option to marry given by Allah is a good option.
This dua helped me so much sisterst. Your not alone
7. Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “If any servant of Allah afflicted with distress or grief makes this supplication, his supplication will be accepted: ‘O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of your maidservant. My forehead is in Your hand. Your command conceming me prevails, and Your decision concerning me is just. I call upon You by every one of the beautiful names by which You have described Yourself, or which You have revealed in Your book, or have taught anyone of Your creatures, or which You have chosen to keep in the knowledge of the unseen with You, to make the Qur’an the delight of my heart, the light of my breast, and remover of my griefs, sorrows, and afflictions‘.” A supplication in these words will be answered. Allah will remove one’s affliction and replace it with joy and happiness.
Source: Reported by Ahmad and Ibn Hibban
I think this wil be my last post. I think it is now clear from the different knowledgeable and well researched comments that many sisters have posted that:
1. If a man marries a second wife and doesn’t inform his first wife, or doesn’t inform his second wife that he is already married, then he is self-evidently a liar.
2. To conceal such an arrangement from either wife must inevitably involve deceit and lies at some point.
3. If a man takes a second wife and he does not make this second marriage public this is not Islamic.
4. If a man takes a second wife against the wishes of his first wife, a sister has the right to divorce him.
5. If a man takes a second wife through lust, this goes against Islamic teaching. He should only take a second wife if this will be in support of both wives or if the second wife should be in need of support and with the agreement of both wives.
6. If a man takes a second wife and then does not treat both wives equally in terms of the time he spends with both wives, the emotional and financial support he gives to both wives, then this goes against the teaching of Islam.
We have had a couple of brothers on this forum who attempt to defend men who take a second wife and break the rules laid down quite clearly in the Koran and the Hadiths. For these men it demonstrates that they are either ignorant of the teaching of the Prophet P.B.U.H. and the Koran or are manipulative hypocrites. I do not encourage divorce but rather feel that it must be the sister’s decision as to whether she divorces. She should be supported whatever her decision. She will need the support of genuine Muslims either way. I have heard that men give the excuse that they should be allowed to take a second wife to avoid committing adultery. If a man feels this then perhaps sisters should be allowed to take second husbands. We all know that such an excuse further highlights the hypocrisy of the man and, with respect, the naïveté of any sister who accepts such a deplorable excuse from their husband. I call on all sisters to stop making excuses for men who behave in such an un-Islamic way and act against the word of Allah the All Merciful and Omniscient. By accepting the words of a hypocrite you might allow yourselves to be drawn into self deceit and delusion.
Inshallah Allah will give sisters the strength not to be manipulated by hypocrites and liars. Look to Allah for support and strength for He will never desert you.
Karim.
I converted as well and my husband did the same to me after 15 years of marriage . I'm broken. I hurt. How can this be right ?
Salam sister my Name is Aaisha too and unfortunately my situation is exactly th same as yours! Did u husband divorce the 2nd wife cos he doesn't want her or how u coping?? I'm Struggling tbh but I love him but I want him to let go of her if he doesn't want to continue the marriage like he says! But his to scarad cos he says his got no valid reason but hanging in the middle is valid isn't it! Correct me sister if u disagree
Assalaamu Alaiykum Warahmatullah. I’m in a similar situation. I was divorced (from a very horrible marriage) with children and could never accept polygamy. However, a decent practicing brother approached me for marriage as a second wife and I believed his narration that he was in a bad marriage with his first wife. They were together for 11 years and had 2 children and the youngest was a baby. I agreed to be a second wife (knowing he was in a bad marriage and that he absolutely didn’t want to divorce his wife as she was the mother of his children and he wanted to be a father to them). As he was on the Deen, I accepted that he would be just with his time and finances. He said as he was in a bad marriage, he wanted to be happy. My family were completely against me being a second wife. They thought I deserved better than to marry an already married man, and his first wife’s feelings should be considered. However, before I am judged, I didn’t want his first wife to be in a similar situation to me, fending for herself and struggling. She had never worked and wasn’t independent. As he seemed like a decent person, I accepted that he would be just. He told me she was finding it difficult to accept being in a polygamous situation, and we discussed how I may end up having him to myself. We discussed various options, but I was adamant that I could not accept another wife, and maybe if I did have him to myself - his first wife ‘might’ be an exception. This was in my Nikah contract. I quite clearly said if he wanted another wife, he should inform me and our marriage would be over. I specifically said “do not go behind my back”.
A few days before we got married, he divorced his first wife due to her not coping and she started stalking me and my children, my extended family and making malicious and slanderous allegations to my community. Even to my husband’s friends and community. These were lies. She could not accept our marriage and did everything to stop the marriage from happening. He still provides for his children and combined with the income she has already coming in, she’s financially in a good position. Her brother and sister help her out. Due to her anger and pain, she has refused to let my husband see his children since we got married. This has been for a few years now, which is very hard for him. Even the legal system let him down to gain access to his children.
Alhamdulillah we had a really good marriage for a years, and my family came round and accepted our marriage. There was lots of barakah in our marriage. We had lots of struggles as married couples do, but even more so, due to our ex spouses, a miscarriage, but we persevered and we were happy. We were struggling to conceive since the miscarriage. Out of the blue a few months back, my husband said he needed to travel 300 miles down south to see his family and friends. He’s from the south and I’m from the north. We live up north. This is unlike him to travel without his family, but I accepted it. Then a few weeks later, he started mentioning a second wife. How would I feel? I told him quite clearly I could not accept it. I was so hurt and I really believed he loved me. How could he contemplate such a thing? We had already discussed this prior to marriage. He told me as I couldn’t accept it, he wouldn’t go down the road of polygamy. A few weeks later, he mentioned it again. I knew the fact he started bringing up the topic again, meant he was serious. I was so hurt and upset. I couldn’t accept it, and I went to stay with his parents. They treat me like a daughter and we have a good relationship. This was already pre-planned but I extended my stay due to the hurt my husband had inflicted on me. They comforted me and are completely against him doing this. He promised he would drop the polygamous notion, and I came home. I only agreed to come home, on the condition that he had given up the notion of polygamy and also we both agreed to go for Islamic marriage counselling. Then the next couple of months, he went frequently down south, under the guise of seeing his elderly parents and his childhood friends. I accepted this. So did his parents. With the marriage counselling, he said he wanted to go down the road of polygamy. I said I couldn’t accept it. I said it was his right to do so, but I couldn’t stay in the marriage. I was adamant I cannot accept it. I tried, prayed Istikhara and made lots of du’a. After praying Istikhara, I was more certain that I couldn’t accept it. There was resentment from me and him. We agreed to have a cooling off period for 3 months, knowing that he was polygamous and see if either of us would change our minds. Last month, I made du’a to Allah that he should expose if my husband was up to no good. I went through his phone (I have never done this before) but I discovered that he had put himself on a matrimonial website looking for a second wife. He denied it at first and kept lying. He lied to his parents as well. He promised it wasn’t anything. He promised he is not talking to anyone. He swore by Allah and looked me in the eye that he wasn’t talking to anyone. I told my older brother about the whole situation and even he spoke to my husband. We agreed that he wouldn’t go looking or talk to anyone when we were trying to work through these problems. This was still very difficult to live with and after some frank discussion, we agreed to separate. It was then that I discovered he was still lying and being deceitful. He had been going down south to see a woman who is of the same ethnicity as me. This is the reason he had been going to apparently see his parents and “friends”. He had met with her brother and they had discussed being in a polygamous situation. My husband had talked to all his friends about him taking a second wife (they all seemed to know about this woman) and I’m the only one who didn’t. I am so embarrassed, humiliated and depressed. The unbearable pain he has put me through these last months, he has no idea. It feels like he has been walking with his full body weight on my chest. I have lost so much weight and I do not sleep. I am constantly anxious. He’s made me ill and I have had to go to the doctor for medication. The lies and deceit is what I cannot forgive. He swore by Allah that he wasn’t talking to anyone when he was. He’s broke my Nikah contract. I don’t believe anything he says anymore. Anyway, I asked him to spare me the indignity of asking for a divorce and he gave me one divorce. I said I want no part in him being polygamous. I’m on my iddah for 2 weeks now. I’m so embarrassed and humiliated, I cannot even bring myself to tell my whole family why we’re divorcing. I don’t want to worry my family (as they already didn’t want me to marry him initially) and would blame themselves and possibly tell me this is what they were protecting me from at the beginning. Within 2 days of him moving out, (and still technically married to him) I have discovered that he has married that sister he has been calling & seeing down south for months. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. He has not put me or my feelings first in any of this. He has put his selfish desires over our marriage and the love that we had. He says he still loves me and wants me to stay in the marriage. He says there’s no feelings involved with the other woman. I cannot forgive the lies, the deceit, the lack of respect, the insensitivity and his selfishness. His family have disowned him. I am numb. I am just posting this for moral support.
You deserve it, you did it to someone else. You don’t think she wasn’t making dua that you got a taste of your own medicine. Now enjoy the fruits of your own actions no one feels sorry for the misery of a second wife.
Unfortunately, whatever he says is lies again. He wouldn't marry behind your back, have very hard and uneasy life, risk a family's stability if it wasn't for true love for the other woman. Understand this sister, there is no greater or smaller love. Love is love and it happens for a man to have it for two women, that's why God allowed it. Maybe it's time for you to distance yourself and allow the other person to be in your family. This way everything can end up well.
Same situation like me
Aaisha. Trust in Allah and divorce him. I am sorry for your pain. Karim
Salam Aaisha
I just find out that my husband was married another woman 5 years ago. He had a kid with her. I am with him for 9 years and him broak me down with that news. He married her in his country the excuse was it was under pressure. He divorced her. He said this was mistake and forced. I don't understand how some one I mean men, adult can be forced to do something that he doesn't want.
He says he loves me that's why he divorced. The thing is I am leaving in his country about 6 months he divorced her before I come. He does everything for me but this was a big mistake . I don't have kids with him. I am 43 already and we were planning to have a baby this year. Walahi I can't do it anymore. I don't want to have kids with him. All my dreams with him was destroyed. I really don't know what to do. I am lost, I can't stop crying. Specially cos I start to remember when he used to come to visit his country. He use to comeback home normal saying that he loves me. What hurts me the most is that he had opportunity to split up before he married her. We had some problems in that time. But he didn't left me instead he married another one behind my back. And them he noticed that he had done a big mistake. He is not with her since 2015. He son has 4 years now. I am shocked, I cant trust him, I cant kiss him. I can't imagine that he slept with another woman. Please tell me how are you since you found out. Did you cope? Does your life is same since? I am completely destroyed.
Agreed..people have no mercy for your feelings..i can't understand, why husbands treat their first wives as their slaves and never respect their feelings..even their first wives bear all the difficulties and hard times with patience, sacrifice (by all means) and with open heart..and when the hard time passes away..men start to think about their right of new marriage..like the old one is a piece of garbage
No. As an English male convert to Islam I disagree with Saba. What you must decide is not how much you can bear but to what extent your husband has committed actions which are haram and sinful. Did he lie to you, did he deceive you, has he been hypocritical? Did he treat you equally with his second wife? Answer these questions and act with the strength that Allah the Almighty has given you sister. Allah, Inshallah, will help you to bear your decision. Pray to Allah and you will know the right decision to make. Do not be weak for Allah will support you. Karim.
Brother Karim. How would you feel if you were involved with a woman and she was seeing someone else for years, without ever telling you. No, dating is not permitted in Islam. But every human being has a heart and everyone regardless of their faith or lack of it, has feelings. No one wants to be lied to, cheated on, or mislead. Especially if they are in a sexual relationship, if they think they are married to someone only to find out that the relationship they have is based on a lie.
Firstly, the sister's husband did lie and could not have treated his wives fairly if one wife knew about the other and the other wife did not. The continuing misinformation, ridiculous advices and almost unending advice from so called scholars, sheikhs and alims to women to "be patient" when their husbands hide a second, third or fourth wife is shameful. This behavior ruins trust, hurts everyone involved, especially the children and destroys families. What if your own father did this to your mother What if you had a sister across town that you knew nothing about, only to find out if you decided to marry woman to discover she is your sister?
Everywhere we read of the noble Muslim woman. The gem of the Muslim woman. That the Muslim woman should be respected and treated with the utmost kindness and regard. That Believing women are above all other women. And then husbands treat their wives, whether known or unknown like harlots, secret lovers, mistresses. Something is wrong here. And then Muslims get angry or are hurt when non-Muslims think the worst of Islam, laugh at Islam and insult Islam. What religion tells a man that he can have one wife and then lie to her about the other wife. Or have one wife and lie to the second wife about the first one. In most cultures of decency, the man is committing a serious crime. No decent man would want this for his daughter, sister or mother.
I agree entirely. What gives our religion a bad name sometimes is often our protecting men who behave badly to their wives, who lie to their wives, who deceive their wives. Such men interpret what they read to excuse their own selfish actions and do not abide by the spirit of Islam. As Muslim men we have a duty to avoid hurting our wives. It is not acceptable to say “well the Shariah states this or that and therefore I will defend my deceit and lies by quoting words out of context.” Central to being a good Muslim man is that we are honest and that we respect our wives. Islam is a religion of equality between men and women but so often men use or interpret religion to suit their selfish actions often based on lust not love. The reasons for taking a second wife rarely apply today. If you have to lie, deceive, manipulate to keep a second marriage a secret you have carried out actions which are haram. Men who do this do not have the right to use our religion to defend their hypocrisy. May Allah protect sisters against these hypocrites who insult our fine religion. Hypocrisy is perhaps the greatest sin. Karim.
Shukran for the response. I have to add information that is so very important. Of course this is from my own observation and experience. But if a man is so wonderful and kind to his wife, if he takes good care of himself in his grooming, is kind to his children and has a good income, most women will try to understand and accept if the husband decides to marry a second wife and first discusses it with his wife. That is a sign of respect. What I am saying is that if a man is good in appearance and very kind, many women will accept their husband considering a second wife, especially if the woman is divorced, a widow or a professional woman who has never married. Most devout Muslimahs do want for their sister what they want for themselves. Many devout Muslimahs who are intelligent and wise realize that one day they may be divorced or widowed and may want to remarry -- and that good decent men are very hard to find.
Thank you for your reply. What does this say for our religion if it is difficult for women to find decent Muslim men? I am of the opinion that whilst there were once good reasons for polygamy to be practiced (e.g. during times of war when there were many widows) this rarely applies today. Muslim sisters generally feel forced into accepting that their husbands can take a second wife. Most are opposed to this. For too long Muslim sisters have listened to men who use our fine religion to confuse and manipulate them into accepting ill founded religious excuses for taking a second wife. The taking of a second wife is invariably based on lust not love or a desire to help a widow. Muslim sisters should make pre-nuptial legally binding agreements which make it clear they will not accept a second wife. It is time for true Muslims, both men and women, to recognize the rights of our Muslim sisters. It is almost impossible for both wives to be given equal treatment and very few Muslim sisters, given the choice, would like their husbands to take a second wife. I say to our Muslim sisters “stop making excuses for these weak hypocrites, stop allowing them to damage our relgion’s reputation through their lies, deceit and lust.” Almighty Allah if you pray to Him will give you the strength to say no if you want to.” Use prayer and the support of Allah to give you self respect and the confidence to divorce these weak men. Almighty Allah will always be your guide and will, Inshallah, bring you happiness. Only by making a decision to depend on Allah’s mercy will our sisters change the behavior of these hypocritical men. They are not real men. May Allah protect you. Look to Allah and surrender and submit to Allah for He will reward you for refusing to listen to the lies and hypocrisy of a man who lies to keep a second marriage secret. Karim.
It is quite clear that as Muslim men we have a duty to inform a first wife of our intention to take a second wife. Not to do so removes the right of the first wife to demand equal treatment and indeed it may be argued that if the second marriage is not made public, especially to the first wife and her children, it is not nikah but aldultery since it breaks the Islamic rules laid down which permit the taking of a second wife. Why would a man keep a second wife a secret if not because he knows it is wrong in the eyes of the Muslim community and he knows that the finger will be pointed at him? We have a duty to be honest and kind towards our wife. This practice of forgiving men for such selfish acts sets a bad example to the children who may regard such licentious behavior to be Islamic - which it is not. These hypocrites damage the reputation of our fine religion are an insult to the word of Allah the Almighty as laid down in the Koran. The position is clear and not open to different interpretations.
One thing we hear on the streets these days that used to be a very private concern in Arabian culture is that someone’s father is looking for a second wife – or a third – or a fourth. From what we hear, it seems that many of these men justify their decision on the grounds that “Islam allows it.”
They all seem to have memorized the portion of the verse that reads: “…marry women of your choice, two, three, or four...” [Sûrah al-Nisâ’: 3]
They can certainly recite it from memory without a problem. However, most of them are reluctant to complete the verse: “…but if you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one, or what your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.”” [Sûrah al-Nisâ’: 3]
On other occasions we hear a man saying without any inhibitions whatsoever: “I am not content with my wife. I want to spend the rest of my life contented.”
We hear another man express that it is his right to experience sexual pleasure with more than one wife.
In this article, we will investigate what is going on in the minds of men who seek to marry more than one wife. What are their views on the matter? We also want to know what their wives think about their husbands’ looking to marry again.
Boredom is the Reason
One man we interviewed, Mahmûd, had no qualms telling us that his reason for seeking a second wife was “boredom”!
He adds: “I love my first wife a lot, but I could not help but feel that nothing in my life had changed since I got married to my first wife. Everything was the same. The faces around me were the same. She was the same. I wanted to alleviate my boredom by marrying a second wife.”
Three years into his second marriage, we ask Mahmûd: “Do you feel bored with your second wife now?”
He replied: “I must admit that, yes, I do feel bored.”
We asked: “So, do you wish to marry a third?”
He answered: “Not right now, but maybe in the future I will want to.”
Islamic Law
`Umar is forty-five years old. He feels that he has resorted to marrying a second time because Islam made it permissible for him to do so. He defends his opinion by saying: “I am – and let Allah be praised – a man of sufficient financial means. Therefore, I find there is nothing to prevent me from taking on a second wife. I am quite capable of supporting two households. They everything they want, without worries. They feel want for nothing.”
When asked about being just in his dealings with his two wives, he replied: “Yes, I am just to both of them. Both have homes of equal merit. Whatever I buy for one wife I buy for the other. At the same time, I can’t deny that I love one of them more. No one can control his heart. Unfortunately, I am unable to hide my feelings. Some of the problems that I have with one of my wives is due to the fact that I love the other one more.”
Discontentment
Another man justifies his decision by saying that he is “not content” with his first wife. He blames her for not taking care of their home life as she should. We tried to speak to her about the matter to hear what she had to say, but he would not allow us to do so. He only allowed us to speak to him under the condition that we did not publish his name.
He said: “I have not been for a single day contented in my married life. Usually, the house is in disarray. She does not care about her appearance. The children are also disorderly. All of these things pushed me to look for another wife who would provide me with what I was not experiencing with my first.
The Wives Defend Themselves
The wives did not concede to their husbands’ claims and justifications. They describe their husbands’ excuses as being lame.
Fâtimah says that she has never fallen short in her duties to her husband, her home, and her children.
She says: “My husband told me that he wants more children after I ceased being able to get pregnant due to my age. You must know that I have given birth to eight children – five boys and three girls.”
Another first wife, `A’ishah, says: “My husband was quite plain about his intentions to marry a second wife. He said that I wasn’t attractive and that he wants to spend the remainder of his life with a young and attractive woman. He forgot all the years that we have spent together, since he has grown bored with me and wants a change.”
Islam Demands Justice
Islam is emphatic about the need for justice. It is justice that forms the basis for polygamy in Islam. Islam does not permit a man to marry a second wife unless he is absolutely certain that he will be able to be just.
Sheikh Salmân al-Oadah, the General Supervisor of IslamToday, speaking on NBC’s Hijr al-Zâwiyah explains that “the many marriages of the Prophet (peace be upon him) were due to necessity. It was needed for him to do so in order to convey Islam’s message to all of the people. For polygamy to be allowed in an Islamic context, it is essential that the rights of the women are safeguarded and that justice is guaranteed. Allah says: ‘…if you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one’.”
He adds: “Polygamy in Islam is limited by a legal framework and bythe dictates of justice and rights.”
Islamic legal scholars have written about polygamy, explaining that these dictates include financial ability, physical ability, and the ability to act justly with more than one woman.
This is in consideration of the role that polygamy plays in fulfilling the needs of women who would otherwise not find opportunities for marriage. Also, in many societies, it plays an important role in cementing social ties and provides for children. There are many ways that polygamy can be beneficial.
As for a man marrying more than one wife as a status symbol, this is excessive behavior, and is censured by the verse of the Qur’ân that says: “Do not act extravagantly. Allah does not love those who are extravagant.” [Sûrah al-An`âm: 141]
Ibn Kathîr in his commentary in the Qur’ân says: “Whoever fears that he will not be able to act justly should marry only one wife.”
Hi Karim, I've read all ur comments & am very touched. I myself am in the same situation right now, but I cannot see any way out of it. I'm in desperate need of advice & support. Can i message u in private. I don't want my story out for everyone to see. I'm ashamed
Mary, we do not allow the exchange of private contact info.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu Alaycom. It is extremely painful for a woman to discover that her husband has deceived her no matter what her religion. It is painful for a man who has been deceived by his wife. What is most shameful is when men use their religion to excuse their lies and deceit. Their cowardice and refusal to face up to their responsibilities. They go to the mosque. They pray. They make their wives wear Islamic clothes. Their friends sometimes do the same. Behold, see what good Muslim men we are. But some then marry a second wife through lust not love and certainly not to help their first or second wife or their children. They then sometimes lie to their children and both wives. When they are finally found out what do they say? I am a Muslim. I am allowed to marry two wives. It is convenient for them to forget the life that the Prophet, peace be upon Him, led. They remember only what is convenient from the command from Allah that says they must respect their wives and only take a second wife if they can treat them both equally. So they think it is ok to lie, manipulate, deceive and treat their younger wife better and give the younger wife more attention. But Hell Fire is reserved for them for they are hypocrites. How dare they insult my religion by such behaviour. But sisters, you are often as much to blame by making excuses for these weak hypocrites. I have heard sisters say it is better than committing adultery. What? These men are allowed to marry a second wife to avoid committing adultery? That is insane. If this were the case perhaps Allah should have allowed women to take second husbands to avoid adultery. Tell these men if they have lied that they are liars. Tell these men that if they treat two wives unequally they are going against the word of Allah. Tell them they are hypocrites not men. I am a Muslim not a Moron. You must look to Allah and rely on his strength to condemn such men. Follow the Koran and do not listen to the lies and hypocrisy. In Islam it is time for all sisters to realise that men are generally less intelligent than women throughout the world. Parts of the Sharia should be ignored. The Sharia was made for men by men. It is hardly mentioned in the Koran. I try my best to follow the life of the Prophet, peace be upon Him and the word of Allah the Almoghty. If sisters you accept lies and deceit and hypocrisy you have to ask whether you are are upholding the word of Allah. This is very painful. But turn to Allah and He will give you the strength you need. Condemn these hypocritical men. Karim
Brilliantly put and honestly in today’s society it’s noticeable how far the deceit will go with what’s on offer to these men. All of these stories are horrifying how women in Islam have been treated. First wife, second wife, and so on, it doesn’t matter really, as trust is something that’s not easily gained and once that’s broken in a sexual relationship which relies on trust I don’t believe that can be re-gained. I’ve known two friends who went through similar fates with their husbands marrying without their knowledge and getting caught. It’s heartbreaking, especially when children are involved because let’s face it anyone who looks after children or has their own will know when the care giver is depressed or not felling great it’s like a spiral effect on those being cared for. The endless responsibilities placed on a women, take care of her husband, take care of the home, take care of children, living in that moment can feel very secluded because of the burdens... then to find out your spouse hasn’t been honest with you and married behind your back. Yes it maybe allowed that men need not get permission but just imagine how that person will feel like their world just crumbled once they find out. Jealousy or not women are also a major part of the family dynamics and keeping everything together. It’s not fair to keep women out of such a major decision because men fear their idea will be rejected. Clearly some of the women here have relayed how this partially destroyed them. Yes in time they will feel better and Allah all mighty will increase their patience to something that is better but it’s also a dent in someone’s heart. It’s not just jealousy, or be patient or a right a man has...it’s common sense. The majority of people won’t find it easy to cope with such a change and many of these situations usually break the family completely. As a sister said above she was depressed and went for medication which i can only imagine are anti depressants which are so highly addictive. Men have a responsibility the permission given to them shouldn’t be for their sexual needs, the deed itself is over very quickly but the lasting responsibilities for that additional wife continue. I’ve heard men to say for and against additional wives for various reasons but if your wife has fulfilled her duties in all areas which i’m sure most do including the sexual part then there really is no need to look elsewhere if sex is the reason to look in the first place.
I am happily married with three children for 5years Alhamdulilah , i believe my duties are full fulfilled and my husband is happy, he however finds one wife enough without adding another to the mix. Each of us have our fate in life, thank Allah everyday for whatever little blessings you have, thank Allah even more for the great blessings you have. Allah will test his slaves to bring them closer to him. Some may have their test in the way of being in a co marriage and the deceit may be the test also, no one will know this other than the All mighty himself but also remember Allah does not burden any soul with more than they can handle. Perhaps that person may not be your life partner. May Allah ease all of your affairs and keep on the path of good health happiness and contentment always ameen.
Asalamalaikum, the shoe is on the other foot in my situation. I am a second wife been married for 4 years now to a British Pakistani Muslim. His is married to his first wife for 6 years now.
Before judging my actions please read my story .
I should mention that I am a revert for 5 years now. I have known my husband for 10 years all together . 6 years prior to date of our nikah. When I first met my husband he was non practising Muslim and I didn't know much about Islam myself. We were living in the state of zina. Prior to him taking his first wife he would ask sneakily would I ever share him or become a second wife. I thought nothing of it and would joke back. In 2009 two years being together he flew off to Pakistan to his "cousins wedding" . One year after I found out that he had gotta married to his first cousin and she is due to come over to the UK in a few months to leave with him. He was engaged to her before he met me. There are no words to explain how I felt , how worthless and hurt , humiliated, ugly. If I didn't find out he would have never told me. Now a lot of things started to make sense to me. Why I never met a lot of his circle of friends. Why the month before he for his wedding he asked me to have an abortion ( said he wasn't ready yet and I was so in love I obeyed). When things were in the open he came to me and said what do I want do now. And things will never work out . I was so hurt but my heart was so attached , I couldn't let go. I asked him to stay with me as a friend until I could find strength to walk away. I started to feel a bit stronger, until I found out he had a new born son. I felt betrayed, how can he be ready for a baby with his wife so soon after he told me he wasn't ready for our baby.I wanted so badly to regain what I had lost. I wanted to be the woman he married. In my head I saw her as a good muslimah . I started to learn about islam . From the basics. Started to dress more modest. Threw out all makeup and high heels. I know now it was too soon, but I had believed at that time that I was ready to be a second wife. I accepted my position. We now have two beautiful daughters mashAllah. Sadly one was a twin but her sister passed away this year. Now I question whether our marriage is correct. His first wife doesn't know about us. Neither does his parents. And to my shock I found out his family are not very practising Muslims. They are more culture oriented. His wife is nothing like the image I painted of her in my head. She doesn't practise nor does she dress like I do now, no hijab etc. So to me it feels like myself and my kids I will be forever stuck in a secret life , walking over egg shells trying not to cause harm or hurt to his other side. The more I read about islam and learn I don't think this is fair. He keeps reassuring me that he is being fair to both wives . But he doesn't spend any night at my house. So I am often jealous that he can be more comfortable with his other wife in certain departments than he is here with me. He says his first wife doesn't have the right to know and says I chose this knowing the situation. But I feel like I am burdening myself with the thoughts of living with all these emotions and jealousy whilst his first wife is living in bliss. I don't see how he can make this fair according to what he tells me. He says he will never hurt his mother and that a grave sin. Does that mean he will never tell his parents about me or our kids because it's a sin go hurt them? It feels like a dead end to me , we're not moving forward as a married couple should freely. Wouldn't it be easier to come out in the open while kids are still young and will accept easily. He has kids with both us wives. Eldest one between us is 5. I also think does he not want our daughters to have a relationship with his parents? I have spoken to him on many occasions and he thinks I am just jealous too much and don't think enough about my kids. That I should just remain quiet and just look after our kids and not worry about his other side. I am emotionally drained and still sometimes think maybe if I was more from his cultural background things would have worked out differently for my kids. It feels like islam isn't the most important thing in our situation and that culture is. I keep my five daily prayers , I try my best to raise my kids the right Muslim way but the situation has remained unchanged. What will happen when his first wife finds out. If he is sacrifing our existence to keep his mother happy. Will leave let us go in the end to keep her happy? Allah knows best.
Firstly, your husband has been playing you long time. Second, his family's status has absolutely nothing to do with his practice of Islam, his wife's, yours, or mine. Fornication is a sin. Anyone, regardless of their faith, who has read a book knows that. Your husband, like many Muslim men who get sexually involved with a non-Muslim woman, took advantage of your naivete and lack of knowledge about Islam. This happens often in the US. Lies, lies and more lies are what your marriage is based on. If I was in your situation, I would divorce him in a minute. Let him go stay with his family, other wife or maybe some other secret woman he has. Get yourself a good lawyer, and make sure you have details of the timing of your so-called marriage, the marriage with his first wife, and any important paperwork to make your divorce sound. Do not fall for the suggestions and advices to pray for your children, to be patient, that your husband is a human and we all make mistakes, or any ridiculous excuses for his immoral behavior. If you were a high class woman in his country, his family might put a contract on his head for having mislead you. If you were a high class woman or a nobody from anywhere and did what he did, your name would be dirt, your husband would divorce you, your children taken from you and a good possibility that some kind of honor killing might be discussed. Your husband does not deserve you. It happens far too often, but I know of no Muslim woman in my community who would put up with this horrible deceit, much less ask someone "Oh what should I do." The woman's male family members would be sleeping at her door if they had to making sure the rat husband never crosses her threshold.
Humaira,
It sounds like he's not that Islamic and is very cultural. He has a lot of pressure culturally from his family to do the right thing. If they were to find out that he has a second wife and two kids from here his world would be turned upside down. The main thing they would seek is that he divorce you. They would be very upset that he did this and if this came out sooner I'm sure they would ask for divorce. But now that he has kids with his cousins they are going to want him to keep her. If his cousin has a job though there then is a chance that she would divorce him. Either way though, I don't think he'd return to you in appreciation for letting out his secret.
I think you need to evaluate what your options are and choose the best option for yourself and your kids. If he were to die tomorrow, his inheritance would go just to his public wife. If you end up staying with him I recommend you at least get him to put you in his will.
on the positive side I'm really happy to hear you've found Islam through this as this will help secure your "forever life" after this life.
All praise to Allah the all merciful.
A man taking a second wife is invariablly going against the teaching of the Koran. These men are happy to quote the first part of the statement allowing them to take a second wife but conveniently forget the second half which instructs them to treat both wives equally. I changed my name 30 years ago when I converted to Islam. I now live in Oman. My wife is Omani. I am a Brit. Omani women are for the most part strong willed and sincere in their religious practices. Not so all men. Sisters stop stepping on egg shells. If your husband takes a second wife it’s not usually because there aren’t enough men around or to benefit anyone else but himself. Strange how these second wives are often younger. This is not Islamic. This is not love. It’s lust. Kick him where it hurts and be strong enough to believe in the support of Allah in your life by showing him the door. Get yourself a good Islamic lawyer and take him for everything you are legally entitled to for yourself or your family. Most of them are neither Islamic nor real men. Just a suggestion.
Think about it.
Karim.
Dear brothers and sisters
My husband betrayed me and my four children after 20 years of marriage.
He lied and deceived consistently to hide his secret marriage.
I found out about an affair . The pain of finding out was so intense, I wished him dead. I said " I would rather you had died than I hear this".
No person ( scholar) unless betrayed can understand this depth of pain. The thought of ones spouse enjoying relations with someone else secretly is heartbreaking.
Also what type of person would be compliant, willing to be an accomplice in this type of treachery?
I have never regretted wishing him dead. I called upon Allah Sbt to be just.
I said , from my childhood I had only believed whole heartedly in His Justice.
Though not outwardly religious , my heart always believed in Our Creator and His fairness.
I said , It was important for the umrah and in particular my grown children to witness Allah Sbt justice in this life firstly.
Yes, they pain, but it is important for their own faith that they are able to see Allah Sbt has no favourites, based on those who appear outwardly honest.
On hearing this wish my husband ran away to umrah. I am assumimg to repent.
3 months after his return he died suddenly.
He was 48.
We discovered afterwards he had secretly married and bore a child with this woman.
She knew of me , I knew nothing of her.
My children and I love and miss the father and husband we thought he was.
However, our heart is full of an equal amount of hate and pain for them both.
And the truth is we are glad he is gone.
I am sure Allah Sbt did not intend this type of devastation from the distortion of His Decrees by man ( woman).
assalamu alaikum,
i am in a same situation too, but in my case , the second lady, is a widow of my husband's cousin. i suspected them of being constantly in touch with each other, 6 months ago i hacked my husband's whatssapp and found tha second lady is chatting with my husband as his wife , i called both of them and asked about the chatting ,they apologied me saying that it was just a joke i left that matter, as she was widow and such kind of rumors may spoil her life, but her contacts with my husband were just like never ending, even tough they knew that i am not liking relation among them. as days passed on i was getting furious about their relation , one day my father in law and sister in law come to know about their conversation, but instead of knowing truth, they started blaming me for misunderstanding about them, i stared recording their calls when we were onconfernce calls and showed it to my in laws,
my husband started threatening me by saying that , he is not married to her but if i continues to suspect them , then they will defenatly marry each other,
but i suspect that they have already got married in presence of her brother and qazi,and just because of her marriage she won't get money and property from her former in laws, they are not declaring as husband and wife in front of world. that too, my husband is in debts and could not offord a second wife, hence they are not declaring their relation.
they are denying of their relation in front of family members , but my husband now is confessing about their sexual affairs only in front of me. he is denying of marriage though he regularly speaks to her or secretly meet her.
we heard that the qazi will now allow other (except wife , husband, and gawaah,) to see the nikah nama of a perticular person.
how to find wheather they are married or not?
Salam sister. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. There are no easy answers when it comes to this type of choice. I am aware that a husband has the "right" to marry more than one wife, but he did not ask you prior to doing so; in fact, he concealed his other marriage from you and betrayed your trust. Whether he has the right to or not, he has shown zero consideration for your feelings. Many a woman would not accept such behaviour, myself included, because such a person does not deserve trust. I myself divorced with a young child, because that was the best decision for my personal situation. I never looked back, and have focused the energy I took out of a negative situation into raising my child. There can be happiness after divorce, and marriage is supposed to be a place of mutual respect and love. Islam permits divorce for a reason. And terming your disagreement "jealousy" is his way of deflecting arguement and dismissing your feelings so that he does not have to face the hurt he has caused. The circumstances surrounding this second marriage point to deep challenges to the future of your union. I would separate from him to clear your head and carefully decide how to proceed. First, consider your support system. This is the time for close friends and family to be supportive of you. Next, the children: they can sense when things are not right between their parents. If you and your husband are not getting along, seeing you fight may create a more unhealthy environment for them than if you simply divorced. Also, consider what message will your actions send to your children when they come to learn the truth one day? Your husband should still provide for them financially as they are his children also. Second, consider yourself: how are you holding up? Can you imagine spending a lifetime this way? What positive characteristics draw you to your husband? And are the negatives faults ones that you cannot tolerate? Whatever you choose, may Allah ease your pain. No matter your age, everyone is too young to live in misery. I pray Allah will bless you as a fellow mother and guide you to the best decision for your situation.
Dreamer, I like your reply,
Salams sister,
I feel so badly for you!! What a shock that your husband, the only one in the world who has your back, has gone behind your back!
But pause, and take your 3 months seriously to think about it. As mentioned above by Saba, review in general the last 3 years. Were they good years? Did he emotionally support you and provide for all your needs? Was he able to make you feel like you are his one woman?
If no, then talk to your family and if they agree divorce is best, talk to your children. Do not forget the children will be challenged with the changes. Then move on. Inshallah other options will open up and jobs will come along. It is possible to get out of this rut.
If yes, then try to make it work. Have a serious talk with him about your expectations of your marraige in the future. A counseling senssion or two would be recommended. Make sure to read up on your Islamic rights in polygamis relationships. You might not want to meet this other woman... it is your choice, but it can cause jealousy. He must give you everything that you need. No skimping; you have 3 kids! And please sit down with your kids to talk it over and introduce this fact of another wife to them, if they are old enough to understand. This will also be a shock to them.
In the end, take every step with hope. Allah swt will guide us and has promised to answer our prayers. May He ease your burdens. Ameen.
Shereen
Shereen. Why should our Muslim sister have to reconsider when a husband has deceived and lied to her. There is a danger that children will regard their father’s licentious behavior as Islamic - which it is not. What kind of example has this hypocrite given to the children from his first wife? Yes, it is ok to lie, manipulate, deceive in order to satisfy your lust for a younger wife? No, I will not accept that our fine religion is abused in this way. The rules laid down by Allah the Almighty are clear: marriage must be public and known by the whole Muslim community. If not, it may not be considered a true marriage. A secret marriage breaks all Islamic conditions to permit it and makes such a marriage close to the same as entering an adulterous relationship. Karim.
Make the decision that you can live with the best. It is your life, not that of either of your parents, nor that of your husband.
Dear sister,
Some good advice has already been given. Marriage should be about love and trust. Did he show you love by hiding his second mariage? Did he show you trust by lying to you? These years of polygamy, how many times has he lied to you? Is that what islamic marriage should be?
As to coping with this because it might be a bearable way to survive, remember that if you stay married to this man you will also spend eternity with him. And so will the second wife. Is this also what you want? Eternity.
Best luck in your decision
Dear Sister,
I am sorry for your sorrow and pain. You have rights as well in this situation, and even if a man has a right to marry 4 wives ,you do not have to put up with it if it hurts you. He was dishonest,therefore I think you are very wise to divorce him. Do not let this man make you put up with being degraded and playing second wife. He has disrespected you and lied to you. He can not be trusted. If he had told you his plans to get a second wife and was honest, then maybe he would be a good person and you may think about staying in the marriage. But this husband has hid this from you and although Islam says a man does not need permission from his first wife and can hide his marriage I think this goes against human rights ,as you have a right to know and also I think a good and compassionate man would not hide this, but a disrespectful and deceitful man would hide this and who knows where this will stop. He may get tired of the second wife and go for a third and a fourth wife. Sister you deserve better then this and so do your children! You do not need to live in misery for the kids. The kids need you as a strong mom. You can get a job and be strong and you can be independent,maybe get an education. Do not depend on a man completely as that is never safe. Muslim women were strong in the past! Read their stories. In Islam women are not suppose to be passive but sometimes culture teaches women to be doormats and passive,but this is not what is meant for women.
You have rights and if you do not want this, be strong and get this divorce for your peace. Your children need a strong and peaceful mom. You can find a better husband one day who will be honest,caring ,compassionate and respectful to you. We women are taught to take too much abuse and mistreatment. We are not taught to protect ourselves and see the bad signs of a bad man. Your wise and continue with the divorce. Be strong and do not depend completely on this dishonest husband. May Allah Bless you sister! Respect yourself and know Allah is always with you!
Or maybe he didnt want to tell her so she doesnt get hurt. Because he loved her wanted her but had other desires.
My husband is mentioning this subject on and off and i am refusing it. However if all.means he did want it in the end. I prefer not knowing of it. As i will not accept another. However that bring said if i did one day find out like this lady did i will be hurt deceived disrespected. But depending in his actions i will decide whether i should or should not stay with him. Depending on the yeata that has passed knowing he had a second how they were how he was with me before deciding on what i would do. I must admit i am currently saying i will divorce if he ever did. But come to the day i am in the situation i dont know if i will. As i never ever want to marry another man. I have a choice of being alone or being with him. Currently my head is set to wanting to be alone rather than sharing. Only when it comes to that situation am i able to decide
Think carefully about your choices its good you kicked him out to have that space for you to feel how life would be without him and how life was with him. Before making the decision.
Sister
You say your husband mentions polygyny on and off. This he should definitely not do. Kindness between spouses is obligatory, and mentioning something that causes you pain "on and off" is not kindness. You should tell him in no uncertain terms that poking you with the polygyny-stick "on and off" is unislamic in that it is unkind and causes nafs ans is not in line with his duty to protect you and be a garment to you.
If your husband eventually decides on polygyny, that is the time to talk about it with you. And as you say, you have a choice in the matter. He may become polygynous regardless of your views and feelings. But you have a right, according to most scholars, to ask for divorce if you do not want to share. You can also make it clear to your husband if e.g. you know that you will leave him should he marry another woman. That however is a later matter.
His talking about this on and off is puerile, inconsiderate, mean and despicable. You have a right to your marriage, your relationship with your husband, without his haphazard way of forcing the thought of another woman on you, and into your marriage and your home.
yes it is hurtful, and i have tried many times to stop him speaking to me in that way, he does not know his dean well, had not learnt to respect due to his father violence as a child and i have 3 kids with him, love him and he loves me too, hes just never had a childhood to learn the right wrong respect etc. he came to the uk age 17ears old, i am hoping my stay with him will better him in his deen in his life, like his father finally did (now a hajj). one has extremely hard choices in life, never go for the easiest as it may not be the right one, yes many might say divorce him, and i have thought of the option and pushed upon it, buit when all gets real i start to think about my kids, i live in the UK its hard enough trying to make your children grow up in an islamic mind while they have both parents, so how hard is it going to be if im a lone parent. i take them to an arabic and islamic school, hoping that if they are not learnt at home too well, maybe the school will teach them. i grew up in the UK and i dont want my kids growing up doing thinking saying or learning what i did. i want to protect them. if i was able i would leave to an islamic country, however what country, arabs theses days only know how to kill themselves. they are fighting themselves and creating a bad life for the people in those countries. where will one go.
some say we are still young and because getting married having 3 kids after each other this is probably the cause for cont. stress however being married 6 years now and age 25 i dont find us young. its about time he got use to it.
asmaa. its an option: leave or stay. it seems like u chose ur way. there are advantages and dis along the way. think, dont look back, dont regret ur decisions and move on while facing ahead
How can you say that he loved her when he was cheating on her and lying to her for past 3 years. The reason we call love is that love is based on trust and commitment. He didn't tell his forst wife about his second marriage cause be was selfish and self centred who only wanted to look out for himself. If he had any feelings for her than he wouldn't betray her in the first place.
It's really dishonest. Better to leave him. Bcz I had same experience with my husband. He took completely everything from me and cheated on me in Ramadan. But he doesn't even bother my feelings or how much it's hurting. It's killing me every time. Really god will punish him the way he talks to me. I don't depend on him. He cleverly cheated on me. House,car every thing. It's not easy to forget. He's not divorcing me. He's keeping as an option for his needs. I don't know how men can cheat this cheap for another woman. How much I sacrifice for him. Everything I did as he didn't have a job. Atlast he threw me out of the house. Which is on my name. Car e he's enjoying with her. Simply he's telling you can come live with me. I really will never go. The way he cheated on me. Really really god will help me how much I am suffering alone.
You really should get a lawyer. The UK has some pretty decent alimony laws and you can apply for divorce too.
Shin. Totally agree. Is it not time that we stop making excuses for men who lie and deceive their wives? As a male English convert to Islam I thought that lies, deceit and hypocrisy were haram. Is this not true? Pray enlighten me. Karim
No Asmaa. He kept the second marriage secret because he did not wish for himself to be hurt. He can have no respect for his first wife. He has broken all Islamic conditions which apply to the taking of a second wife. Divorce this hypocrite. After all he is a practiced liar and leopards do not change their spots. Karim.
Are you in India? I need guidance. I have everything and yet nothing. If something of this sort happens to a convert who is also the only child of her parents she has nowhere to go. I feel humiliated I cannot hurt my father. I have noone to go back to after my fathers life. I feel humiliated but I dont have the guts to walk out of this marriage. I have no children and I am in my thirties. The fear of being all alone in the whole wide world scares me to the core.
Honestly, in this life no one is worth giving grieving for, or to give up your wellbeing, rights and happiness for. Only your parents, siblings and children are irreplaceable, but everyone else can be replaced: friends come and go, spouses can be cut out of your life and a new one can be found, collegues change with every job you change, etc. When you really consider this fact, it's actually very easy to walk away from people who have wronged you with a smile on your face, and feel good about leaving the people who had no positive impact on your life.
Sister, it isn't YOU who should feel bad. Your husband should feel bad for being too much of a coward to tell you the truth about his 2nd wife. Too much of a coward to deal with the fact he KNEW you wouldn't accept a 2nd wife in to your life. So he took the easy way out and hid her from you and lied to you about her before and after he married her. This is not a man, this is a scared little loser who is afraid of dealing with women.
The fact of the matter is, a lot of Muslim men don't understand that women do get hurt when they do things behind our backs. Just because the Quran tells men that women SHOULD be alright with polygamy, and that there's no need to consult a first wife before taking in a 2nd, it doesn't mean reality is just that: that women are okay with polygamy and don't feel a need to be asked or consulted about the matter before the husband takes a 2nd wife. That's what makes women hurt.
I say, stick to your decision of divorcing, and make sure your husband does his part with your children. If you live in a Western country, or in a country that bans polygamy, I think you should turn him in with the authorities so he, too, can go through difficulties like he put you through. Plus, if it's illegal in your country to be married with two people at the same time, it's the right thing to do.
I don't understand why people are saying a man doesn't have to tell his wife about a second marriage. Maybe he does not need her "permission" but surely he needs to tell her that a second wife exists or that he intends to marry a second time. Otherwise there will be many surprises in their lives down the road when various situations come up with kids, health, money, and other matters. A major component of an Islamic marriage is announcing the marriage, and surely this includes announcing it to the first wife and her children and even her parents. Otherwise rumors may surface about the man and his activities, and the first wife and her family will naturally be confused and suspicious.
The reason why people say that a man doesn't need to get permission or advise his wife about his 2nd marriage is because that is what many fatwaas say: For example http://islamqa.info/en/452
I do agree that by keeping any marriage a secret would create many complications especially for a husband, first wife and first wife's children.
But then, sister, what about all the fatwas saying a man does need his first wife's permission to marry a second wife (if monogamy is the norm in their culture)?
http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=2258
http://www.onislam.net/english/shariah/special-coverage/457008-family-issues-live-fatwa.html
This is an issue of ikhtilaf- or legitimate difference of opinion- amongst Islamic scholars. It is a matter of fiqh.
And in many predominantly Muslim countries, such as Pakistan, the opinion which requires first wife's consent for second marriage is a part of the law.
There are even fatwas which say that the majority opinion among Idslamic scholars is that the virgin daughter's permission is not necessary for her marriage and that the father may force her to marry against her will.
http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Id=87853&Option=FatwaId
http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=270607
Of course, I do not agree with the opinion which advocates forced marriages, I merely point out here the sheer hypocrisy of people who think that the husband does not need to take his first wife's permission to do 2nd marriage yet they believe that the father cannot force his daughter to marry. People should at least be consistent.
Well, let me say that I think any just and kind man wouldn't let his first wife suffer in this way and would tell his wife if he made the decision to marry a second time. However, it may be that some men beleive that they have the right to not seek permission and/or inform their wife. Some may not tell their wife out of concern for her OR they simply don't respect her.
Regardless of the reason or which fatwa to follow, I think a decision to leave a husband has to include more than the second marriage--meaning it has to look at how he has and is treating her. I don't feel comfortable advising the sister to end her marriage or even to continue it because there isn't enough information.
It is also my understanding a woman may ask for a khula if her husband as deceptively taken on a second marriage--but again, this is rather complicated when children are involved.
Keeping the fact that this is a highly dynamic situation, the sister in question should be very careful in this decision.
I have a dealt first hand with some women who are in the exact situation. Some divorced and felt happier, some divorced and were miserable. This isn't a situation that I envy in the least and so the decision either way should be weighed extremely carefully because one decision has no way to be reversed.
Saba: Khula is not complicated. Just so you know, I have divorced my first husband by khula. Many women do this. They ask their husband to divorce them, most often for valid reasons. If the husband refuses, then the wife simply establishes khula. And almost in every instance, the husband owes the wife money -- she does not owe him. And in almost every instance, the husband is some kind of scoundrel, a wife beater, or sneaking around with another woman or a combination of all three.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I have read the fatwa posted by Sister Saba. It says that a man does not need the consent of his wife to contract a second marriage, but it does not say that he must not inform her. These are two separate issues.
So the thing is that, basically a man does not need his wife's permission to marry a second wife, just like he didn't need the permission of his parents to marry his first wife--in short, a man does not need a wali to get married. However, there is a difference between seeking a permission to marry and informing, announcing, or seeking opinions from closed ones regarding the first/second marriage. Also, it is very important to make the first/second marriage known to the people around you (e.g. parents, wife, children, society) to prevent future conflicts (such as misunderstandings regarding the sharing of times and properties) and mistakes (such as marriage between the children), and most importantly to seek the opinion and satisfaction of the first wife to prevent hurting her feelings, as the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) never hurt his wives (may Allah be pleased with them).
To the OP:
I'd suggest you to consider the last paragraph by sister Saba, that you look very carefully at the last 3 years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. This suggestion is for the sake of the children, otherwise what he did is not a character of a honest husband.
Also please pray istikhara within the 3 months to seek guidance and help from Allah. If there is good in the divorce in your case, then may Allah make it happen, but if not, then may He decree something better and soothe your heart. Ameen.
Saba. Problems for the husband? What problems? That his deceit and lies were exposed? I am a male English convert to Islam and I think you fail to understand who is the victim here? May Almighty Allah protect our sister who is suffering because of her husband’s lies. Karim
No matter if you claim a man has a legal right to marry a second wife without the knowledge or consent of his first wife - there is no way under the sun you can claim that it is the moral thing to do! I wish for once a man would stop and feel - not think, not imagine but FEEL what it would actually be like to see your loved one, the mother of your children, share her heart and her bed with another man every other night for the rest of your life. Or with three other men. Please. Don't talk about rights. Talk about obligations. At least talk about obligations first. It can also be legal to own a slave. But there is no way under the sun you can claim it is the moral thing. We should all worry about our obligations first! Not our rights.
I doubt polygamy is a walk in the park for those who are involved except, of course, if a man abuses this particular right. Polygamy is much more than sharing a bed, it is about fulfilling rights. In case, it seemed that I was promoting it above, I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that our Deen, Islam has allowed it--so, on that note, we can't deny it. Also, a man who is unjust in dealing with his wives doesn't have much to look forward to in the hereafter.
From: http://islamqa.info/en/102446
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa’i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (no. 1949).
Shaykh al-Mubaarakfoori (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Al-Teebi said in his commentary on the words “with one of his sides leaning”, i.e., tilting. And it was said that this will be in such a way that all the people on the Day of Resurrection will see him, so this will increase his punishment.
Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi (4/248).
If a wife sees that her husband is favouring her co-wife at her expense, or is being unjust to her with regard to her rights, she should hasten to advise her husband in the way that is best, and remind him of what Allaah has enjoined of justice, and what Allaah has forbidden of injustice. She should also hasten to advise her co-wife not to accept this injustice, and not to take anything that is not rightfully hers. Perhaps Allaah will guide him to be just and to give each one her due rights.
Secondly:
One aspect of justice between co-wives is for the husband to draw lots if he wants to travel with one wife and not the other(s). This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did with his wives.
It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: When the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to go out on a journey, he would cast lots between his wives and the one whose name was drawn, he would take her with him.
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2454) and Muslim (2770).
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: This shows that if a man wants to travel with one of his wives, he should cast lots between them. In our view this casting lots is obligatory.
So, yes, there is so much to consider here and nothing should be oversimplified, but also, reacting based only emotions is not wise.
As for what is proper moral conduct of a good husband, it is obvious that any person that pays little to no heed with respect to their spouse causes much damage and pain.
There are men who have the ability to have multiple wives and treat them with equality--our Prophet pbuh being one of them. There are some women who would choose to be in a polygamous marriage if it meant the difference between having a Mahram or not. People have all sorts of different challenges--too many to list here.
We can't simply not talk about rights and only talk about obligations because obligations stem from the rights of another. Instead, we need real life solutions. A woman, married for 11 years with three kids, who can't financially support them on her own, who is broken by sudden news and divorces in haste, MAY, regret deeply the divorce when the feelings tame down and thinking settles in. We don't know enough about her husband's conduct otherwise. In this complicated equation, feelings are not the only thing to consider, there are a lot of other things. Divorcing him may seem like the best revenge or the best way out right now, but this is a short-term way of thinking and will lead to short-term relief. If the sister does decide to divorce, I recommend that she does it when she feels less emotional and the trauma of this event has subsided. That way, she will not have regrets and will be able to thoroughly think about each aspect of her life and how it will be changed--including her children.
Marriage is more than just intimate enjoyment, it comes with a lot of responsibility, and we have to consider this in the entire picture. Ideally, this man shouldn't have married this other woman OR at least had more tact in dealing with his personal affairs, but most things in this world aren't ideal. Such is the dunya.
Again, my prayers are with the OP. May Allah help you to find peace and the best solution for yourself and your children. Ameen. Thummah Ameen.
Well said!
What seems wrong here is that the husband lied and was dishonest with his wife. To live in a marriage where one can not trust their spouse does not seem worth it. She has a right to become independent. This is why women should have their on work or career,so in case their husband abuses them or mistreats them they have a choice to leave the marriage.
I think it is wrong for a husband to hide a second wife and not tell her ,even if this is allowed Islamically. Marriage should be about honesty and trust. Dishonesty is serious and no woman should put up with that. I think women should have the right to divorce in this kind of situation and they do. She does not have to stay with her husband after he took a second wife. But the main point is his dishonesty and she can not trust him. Trust is the basis of a good marriage.
Again, why do so many people believe that it is allowed to hide a second wife in Islam? I see no evidence of that. People, please present your evidence if it is truly okay in our religion to conceal a second marriage.
What is there is that it's not part of the conditions of marrying a second wife to seek the permission or opinion of the first wife, nor is it a condition to make it known to her--this was not to promote secret marriages, however, that's what many understood anyway. For example when Islam allows the man to marry without the permission of his parents, does that means marrying without their knowledge (or secret marriage) is preferred and recommended by Islam?! Of course, no, but it is the contrary according to Islamic good manners.
The position of Islamic laws is clear regarding this matter, however, further discussion of it could be done within the Islamic good manners, where the reasons of individuals and societies could be justified or judged.
Allah knows best.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm the second wife. It has been many times I tried to tell the first wife by calling her send her the message or even photo of me any my husband before we are going to get married if she is agree or have the idea about that because I know that my husband will never tell her and it is not fair for her as well. But we married now without her knowing because what I've done it is just useless I'm wondering that why doesn't my co-wife suspect that there is something wrong even I'm trying to tell her. My husband always get angry when He knows that I'm trying to talk to her even ho told me that she feels hurt when she saw those photos I sent to her. All sister here what can I do? Should I divorce him and let him be with his family? of else I really don't know.
You should of thought of that before you decided to hook up with a man who's already taken. This is not Islamic manners to send pictures and to try and tell her. If you knew he was being dishonest to her then you knew you are doing something wrong. Leave married men alone if they're not willing to use proper conduct.
Agreed
Absolutely agree
Salaam dear sister
U did nothing wrong.. The first wife is acting immature...Your husband has every right to love u and marry u... So please go be happy with your husband.... Im a first wife and i dont act badly like this other woman.
In time she will get over it...
she's not acting immature she's hurt. It's big of u to accept ur husband second wife although I'm not sure of the circumstance perhaps it's something you agreed to prior to the marriage. But if my husband came home with a second wife id be very upset
It was nothing agreed apon prior to marriage... I just trust my husbands judgement. Women react out of emotion without understanding.
My husband didnt take another wife because he didnt love me but because men have different needs then women..especially arab men.
This second wife has no reason to feel sorry for loving her husband and showing photos of their love.
When my husband is with me...its just us uninterrupted..when he is with his other wife i respect him and follow the boundaries he has set that i dont call or bother them.
Sometimes i dont see him for 6 months because he chooses to live with her
Sometimes he lives with me for just the weekends or for months.
Sometimes he lives with me and stays one day a week with her...
Im happy to hear that things are working out for you and I pray Allah continues to bless your marriage.
And I'm not judging or criticising but for me the hardest thing to tolerate would be another woman. I'm not sure which needs your referring to but it shouldn't be a reason to get a second wife. Women have needs to, the biggest is respect and attention from her husband. Even if I was to accept a second marriage, I certianly wouldn't give up my rights and let my husband be away from me for months. I can understand that marriahe requires a lot of patience but there is a limit. Polygamy isn't something that should be done so easily as far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of responsibilities that come with it, all wives needed to be treated exactly the same way, each should be given the same amount of time.. You said you don't disturb him when he's with the other wife, even if he is away for months on end? Really ? I don't think I'd be able to tolerate that, whats the point of being married if you don't see or speak to your husband for months. I'm pretty sure there is a Hadith that says something about not staying away from your wife for more than four months? Women have needs too, we're not toys that the husband can play with at his convenience.
Anyway, I'm not criticising but explaining why I wouldn't be too happy with this arrangement.
Bucks ,
If she is happy with that arrangement let she be .You don't know their situation .
Why injecting negative thoughts ?
Hiyyah: My husband didn't take another wife because he didn't love me but because men have different needs then women..especially Arab men.
Were you unable to meet the needs of your husband that made him marry another woman? What are those needs that specially only Arab men have? Did you refuse to meet some particular need of your husband?
More fool you. If you like to accept a man who is in other beds when he feels like it I don't think you have much respect for your own body or self
I have a bridge in Brooklyn I would like to sell you.
SVS
Actually I was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 14 and had to receive treatment for 3years..at 17 I went into remission ..praise be to Allah..but the chemotheraphy and radiation treatments rendered me unable to have children..
Which is one of the major reason he needed a second wife to bear him a child..
We did take in his sisters children because both his sister and brother inlaw were killed by barrell bombs in Idlib Syria
But ofcourse a man wants his own biological children.
Sorry hiyyah but you're situation is completely different and your husband and you perhaps agreed upon him taking a second wife. She's not feeling sorry for loving her husband, she's feeling sorry for being part of a her husbands deceitful plans. How is the first wife acting immature, she's acting naturals. It's normal. What do you mean especially arab; all men want to breed their own offspring's bit just arabs. If I couldn't have kids I would straight up tell my husband to take another wife.
Anyways zeena, first of all pictures are haram so what are you doing trying to send it to the first wife.the best thing you can do is tell your husband to tell his first wife. Secondly, now you have married him so it's too late to back down now, either way you have caused grieve on the first wife. Honestly it's people like you that make polygamy ugly. I swear sometimes a women's enemy is her own sister.
SVS. I am English and converted to Islam 30 years ago. So men have different needs? In which century are you living. May Almighty Allah enlighten you and protect you. Karim
Hiyyah,
There's nothing wrong with you enjoying the fact that your husband has other women, but please understand the vast majority of women are not like you. Clearly you had a health issue that made you inadequate and provided an actual need for your husband to look elsewhere. It's not about immaturity it's about loyalty and respect. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and that goes for polygamy too. Sending your cowife pictures of you and your husband is a cruel and unislamic thing to do.
Dear Sisters
I am in the same position.just found out my husband has a second wife he has hidden it for 6 years.I however will bear the pain as I can't see my kids home broken.For the sake of my kids I cry myself to sleep.
Assalam alaikum,
I don't know what you feel like and my comment is not intended to hurt you.
What your husband did by going behind your back was not right. None of the Prophets' (may peace be upon them) or Sahabas marriages were in secret--yet this is becoming a more common occurence in some of our communities. While there may be a need for polygamy (and please i don't want to debate about polygamy--we don't know everyone's circumstances and abilities); it should not be used in this way.
On the other hand, perhaps this is a wake up call for you and women in general that when we put all of our love and efforts and hope into our husband - do we forget they are humans? Should women be putting more love and effort and hope in Allah swt and expecting more from Him? I don't expect to answer the questions I've posed, but maybe you can think more about them.
I am sorry that you cry yourself to sleep - try, instead to read some du'as before you goto sleep at night, have hope in your heart for a beautiful place in Jannah, picture yourself content and with no pain in the afterlife as this world is just temporary, and ask Allah swt to help you to pass your most difficult trials with grace and patience.... I pray that Allah swt helps you to find a solution inn shaa Allah, Ameen.
have hope in your heart for a beautiful place in Jannah, picture yourself content and with no pain in the afterlife as this world is just temporary
Is it allowed to have imaginary picture of Jannah and think like that ??
Why wouldn't it be? It's not a sin to imagine what Jannah of even hell would be like, it's been described multiple times.
And I wasn't injecting negative thoughts illogical I was giving my opinion, and judging by Hiyyas other comments she clearly has a very twisted idea of marriage and the role of the husband. I'm pretty sure she must be getting abused in her marriage. I suggest you read her comments properly before criticising me.
Sister ,
It depends on individual . I read some interviews of working muslim women where some women were very happy in polygamous marriage as they don't want to have their husbands everyday near them as they will get freedom in those days when husband is not around and they were not interested in doing day to day household activities and other stuff for their husband .
They used to get kind of freedom and private space when husband was not around ..So it depends .One might like it and others might dislike ..
Take it easy sister .
I suppose your right illogical, whatever works for the individual.
I'm not getting abused.
Just a strict follower of Shariah...
My husband doesn't beat me or anything like that..but
He is strict
How did you find out? I believe that my husband is also secretly married. I am in Saudi Arabia and would like to know if anyone knows how I can find out.
Weeping Date Palm: How did you find out? I believe that my husband is also secretly married. I am in Saudi Arabia and would like to know if anyone knows how I can find out.
i imagine it will be much harder to have secret sexual relationship in a conservative country like Saudi Arabia where women are not allowed to go any where alone.
How long have you been married to your husband? Has he changed suddenly in terms of closeness with you? What makes you think your husband has another wife? Does your husband spend nights away from home?
SVS. Why worry? You say men have different needs. Sister it is time for Saudi women to have the strength to demand equal rights. They are given to you by Allah the Amighty. Inshallah Allah will enlighten and protect you. Karim
Well, this is just excuse even if the husband informs the wife, the wife will be mad about it. Then don't these women disagree with Quran? I believe they do , if the man is just then still a lot of women will say they can't put up with this, a weak imaan that's all.
Imagine your mom, who has been living with your father for a lengthy period of time discovers that your father had taken a second wife without her consent, and has children you did know about. Do you think your mom will be happy? Will you be happy? If you replied yes to both these questions, then I hope Allah gives your mom the patience to survive both a terrible son and a terrible father. If you replied no then you are a hypocrite, because you claim its weak iman. In Islam a second wife is only for necessity, it is quite clear that the Quran has favored having one wife, so this is not poor Iman for a woman to dislike her husband having a second wife, in fact this is fitrah and a very natural thing.
I bet, you are the type of disgusting person that tricks his first wife AND his second wife into marriage, men who do this are not 'men' they are merely animals in human form.
All this hostility and rage is not necessary, brother. You can still make your point without all that.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you Brother Ahmed. You hit the nail on the head: "men who do this are not men"
This behavior is commonplace and another reason why non-Muslims do not respect Islam, and why Muslim children don't want to have anything to do with Islam. It is sad, but true. No one wants to be associated with bad people. And men who lie to their wives about other women they are involved with are bad.
Assalam Alaikom..
I am second wife, my husband told me there's no first or second wife, he treated us equally. I never meet his first wife yet bcoz she is far with us in another country.I am the one who suggests my husband to let her know and ask permission if it's okey for her. I accepted him even thou he is a married man to protect him in adultery." My husband told me if she is like your attitude I never get another wife. Now I understand wife my husband married me. I always pray to Allah swt to protect us jealousy. Sister try to be patience and forgive your husband, our husband is a way to us to Jannah. Divorce is most hated to Allah.May Allah swt give you more strength and peaceful mind.
This is so wrong !! There's a million ways to protect someone from Zina - getting a second wife isn't necessarily the solution. You accepted him as a second husband but can you imagine the grief of his first wife when she finds out that he's gone behind her back to another country, developed a relationship with another woman and then married her without her even knowing. And he's backbiting about his first wife by saying if she was like you he wouldn't need a second wife !!! Unbelievable.
Polygamy is allowed in Islam .
Yes I know that I think you missed my point.
Aminah: I am second wife, my husband told me there's no first or second wife, he treated us equally. I never meet his first wife yet bcoz she is far with us in another country.I am the one who suggests my husband to let her know and ask permission if it's okey for her. I accepted him even thou he is a married man to protect him in adultery.
Married to protect him from adultery...married for sex...Does his first wife know he married you? Did you sponsor your husband for a Visa? Most first wives don't mind that kind of marriages where their husband is getting a Visa/citizenship.
Omgg I feel sorry for the first wife, honestly. I hope the same conduct you have put your sister through happens to you too. Just like you said may Allah protect us all from jealousy.
The worst part about some of you second wives is when you have the nerve to put yourself above the first wife. What makes you think you're so superior. And if he goes and gets himself a third wife will your self worth suddenly diminish?
Pray Istakara Insha'Allah you will find peace just to Allah , just don't ask crazy stuff don't follow your desire, just Allah to guide you the best decision Allah knows best for you , May Allah grant you peace sister Amiin
Salam, to be honest one Muslim brother proposed for a second wife. His wife allowed him to look for a second wife he is a very good Muslim but to be honest I refused him, i said no even if he really desired me to be his wife. And yes I am a very jealous girl, i thought about it for one year even i still couldn't accept, so yes i refused him and good he understood. Maybe there are other girl's situation and opinion but for me it's better for me to refuse and go very far away from him rather than welcoming something else. I think second marriage is not for me or any other marriages. I have one daughter already no longer in contact with father we separated, i was not afraid to tell her everything how hurt i am and she accepts. She also dont want me to be a second or have my future husband have a second wife. Im glad she support me
Sanchai: Salam, to be honest one Muslim brother proposed for a second wife. His wife allowed him to look for a second wife he is a very good Muslim but to be honest I refused him, i said no even if he really desired me to be his wife
How did you meet this brother? Did he find you on the Internet? Did he tlle you he was married right from the start?
Assalamu alaikum wrwb
Dear Sister,
Please read this care fully and with lot of patient. This happened with my life also. The man suddenly turned on for a second marriage after 11 years, which is not his plan. First you should understand that Allah swt plans everything.
so it happened according to Allah's will. If you are opposing your husband, it means you are opposing Allah swt 's hikmat. It is clear that you are against to Allah's wish.
Allah allowed a man to marry more than one, because Allah knows what is good and what is bad for human. This incident may be even good for you which you never know.
Now what you will do after separation? you will need a partner however, what is the guarantee that you will get a good partner or that partner also will not marry another?
because all the things are happening by Allah swt. How you can stop it?
so please be patient. Your husband did something halal. Dont make fitna due to this.
Now think about how to live with this situation, why dont you have a agreement with your husband to continue the life.
You are only allowed to take divorce if your husband is wrong. Polygamy is not haram, so he is not wrong and he is not oblidged to take your permission for his second marriage since you did not have an agreement during your marriage contract.
Acting much aggressive against your husband towards his second marriage is just like kafir. Because it was not happened during our prophet pbuh and sahabas.When they married more than one. These habits came from kuffar. Anyhow fear of Allah and his hikmat. He knows well about what he plans.
After having agreement with your husband, if he does not act upon his words, then you can go for divorce, however islam doesnt give burdens too human being.Islam has the option.
So wait till Allah shows a good way and dont listen the public. They are not aware of islam.
For example if you are the second wife of your husband, just married, and the first wife enjoyed her life with your husband for 11 years, dont you do justice with your sister who is just married? think about her feeling. Allah made her the wife of your husband, what she will do?
so if you are in the place of your sister, sure you dont be aggressive, because you just started your life.
So let your husband spend on you and your children adequately, and whenever he gets time, let him visit you, or get along with him staying in one building or near building which is easy for you husband to visit you and her equally.
If Nothing works out husband has a way to divorce you or you have the rights to ask khula.This will be a last chance. be careful very last chance. Dont be hurry.
Try to give a life to your sister. Live and let her live.
Moreover You are not the way of your husband's Jannah. Your husband is your Jannah and hell. So try to make him happy even he wants a third wife.
Jazakallah khair
Agreed...
Thank u for speaking the truth... My husband took a second wife and i dont make problems or wuestion my husband. Allah wouldn't want me to upset my husband and his new wife with fitnah..
When they got engaged i allowed them privacy to get to know eachother in halal way. I didnt get upset. I supported him.
When they married he lived with her for a year and i saw him once or twice. But i didnt get upset ....
Women need to stop the fitnah.
Hiyyah, your husband is not giving the proper rights to you and the other spouse. He is supposed to divide his time and attention equally between the two of you. For him to stay with her a year and only see you once or twice is unjust and un-Islamic. If you choose to meekly accept this state of affairs that's up to you, but don't say it's what Allah wants. Allah 'azza wa jal wants people to behave with justice and fairness, and to fulfill their duties as Muslims.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mashaa'Allah, good advise. May Allah reward for that.
Hiyyah, you are either limited in your knowledge of Islam or just plain limited. On this page alone, several women have lamented how their husbands have been lying to them and you tell women to stop the fitnah.
I could go on about the rights of women to not be abused by their husbands, i.e. lied to, manipulated, etc. The greatest reference is what our beloved prophet told men: The best of you are those who kind to their wives.
If you want to be a victim or a doormat, welcome to that strange world. But do not be judgmental of others who would never enter that territory. And you certainly are not in a position to offer advices to others. Many of us have respect for ourselves.
Seriously divorce is also halal, she doesn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage whether it's polygamous or monogamous. And she certainly doesn't need a partner unless she wants one then that another story, Many women go on just fine being single
Some thing same happening with I am his since 13 yrs now I have somemirrage about his second mirrage. But not sure now what to do. We have done love and had 3 kids getting crazy he only cdont at night rest of the he go some where but I dont . My daughter is 12 yrs old and understand everything. How to save my kids from mental depression. Allah pak plz help plz help save my life my family my kids
Dear, sister
sorry for your disappointment. If you he still loves you and you, him, then stay, and found a way around the situation, they are are many people who are very happy in their polygimous marriage, trust me meet with the other woman and talk to her about your worries, maybe she will shed some light in this whole situation
Salaam,
Dear Elham, if it's ok with you, I would like to talk to you since I need advice .. Im someone who's in almost the same situation as you.. I'm just finding someone to relate to.. All I find on Internet is about second wives.. Nothing about the first wives, what they suffer, how they feel.. Please would love to see how you are now.. Message me or how can I contact you?
Hi sister we are in the same situation my husband marry a second wife secretly and believe me when I discover it I was so much in pain as if I want to die during those months especially that I gave birth to our first child during that time, I even hurt myself and sometimes I look into nothingness it makes me crazy, but as time pass by the pain it cause me is slowly fading and it teaches me a lot of lessons. I realized many things out of the pain and it makes my Imaan stronger, what I did is instead of being lonely I look into the brighter side of what might good it would bring in my life as a person. Then I realized that our life in this world is temporary and instead of grieving i should work for my Ahkira if whoever sinned btween me and my husband lets God be the judge..
Sister, have patience, take time, just study, how he was with you for the past 3 years. Did he fulfill your requirements and loved you as usual. Then it is ok, continue with him. Allah will reward you .
The other side, If you divorce him and try to hunt a new husband. the real difficulties starts here.
Since you are looking for second marriage with 3 kids, most of the people who get you will already having first wife. Don't expect that you will get a bachelor. Very rare.... If you are above 40, just forget second marriage and continue with the same man.
You are looking for a husband who should marry you and take the responsibility of the 3 children's of your first husband. This is a burden to your new husband. Which he wants to avoid.
Finally what I suggest, when you have already lived for 3 years, you can continue for the rest coming years.
For the past 3 years you did not cry each day .
Just pray to Allah and ask for sabr......
We must put our trust in Allah and he will provide.
"And He provides from sources (we) never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion."
You have a right to divorce. If you are in pain, you should put your trust in Allah, not in your husband. A woman who is kind, loyal and loving and strong in deen will surely be attractive to a good man, I do not share the low view on men presented by guest1. There are many men out there who are widowers or divorcees who would love to marry a woman who has already proven herself to be a good mother and hence can be a good stepmother.
guest1 - if your child died without you knowing it, would that be proof that it won't have to hurt once you find out? The logic is warped.
Allah rewards good deeds and obedience. Staying in a deceitful and hurtful marriage is not among the things scholars agree on brings reward. The Prophet pbuh did not put blame on women who wanted a valid divorce.
Yheirs no rule to say a man cant marry twice ut they bend rules nothing is divided ewially whether be time or money the first wife seems to struggle alone so technically shes trying to survive whilisy the guy is happy experimenting new wife the kids suffer with lack of time with their father those women who choose to accept a marriage propposalfrom man knowing he is married dont know the hurt you are causing that wife and his kids your selfish because you cant get someone yourself if I was to put in plain language for you its giving someone cancer then watching them suffer on purpose the first wife has no choice but to carry on for her kids sake you do dont do this men dont do justice make excuses its you wreck a home in order to buid a new one for yourself its true allah created second marriages but not like this
Sorry sister..i can feel your pain, you can't believe any more on other muslm man....they are cheaters. ..they prefer lust not love and loyalty of women. ...disgusting men.....that's the reason my Muslims friends always scared for marriage and searching for ahle kitab (Christian and jews) men....
# Humaira
There is no need to generalize and paint all men black because of your personal bad experiences with men.
Muslim women/girls are not allowed to marry Christian or Jew (people of the book) men unless they convert to Islam.
Sallam sister,
Please don't be hurt by my comments. I will say things that might stab you abit, but I hope it will guide you sister
I read your story and I honestly feel your pain. I was once married and my husband left me for another woman. He was cheating behind my back. Now I think about it and I realise our religion gives us protection as the man doesn't have to engage in affairs but a hallal second marriage. I would be glad that his with a hallal woman rather than some bimbo in a hotel. The world is evil out there. If you hold on too much you will loose everything abit of sharing is okey. Atleast you don't have to see him everyday! if its just the two of you everyday the marriage becomes stale and boring.
I can understand it is a complete shock, but I wouldn't rush to divorce him, you are his first wife and you have a history together...divorce sister is NOT A JOKE. The pain of divorce by far more worse than what your complaining about. I went through divorce and am telling you its not something I would wish on anyone. You have kids also to consider, think of your children's future. My mother sacrificed herself when my father remarried so that we complete our education.
Islam has given him the right to marry four wives, we cannot be muslims and accept one part and refuse the other. Your considering divorcing him will you remarry? what are your chances of been wife number two to another man in the future? I understand your angry and hurt, but please think carefully use logic not emotions to think. It doesn't mean he has stopped loving you.
I can gurantee you his second wife does consider how you feel, no woman who enters second marriage ever dismisses the feelings of his first wife unless shes cold.
I am considering to be wife number two currently to a married man, I am divorced and I did make it clear he needs to inform his first wife who leaves abroad. His worried she will divorce him which he doesn't want. My reason for choosing him is because he takes care of his family very well to me its a good indication he will take care of me too. I did have my heart broken, and I can imagine how hurt his first wife will be, I did tell him he can never divorce her and he must make sure she is taken care of in everyway, I cant bare kids so basically for me this is a good arrangement. I wish we could someday co share the kids, I would treat them as my own.
My advise, focus on yourself, your kids and your marriage... his second marriage has nothing to do with you. shes not better than you. Also stop putting his second marriage on a pedestal - it might not be as glorious as you think!!! I don't compare myself to his first wife, am actually older than her by 5 yrs and older than him by nine months .
Marriage gives a man the right to marry up to four, but it does not give him the right to lie and deceive his first wife. This man lied to her for three years, not about a small thing but about the fact that we was sharing his life with another woman. "his second marriage has nothing to do with you." - Sorry, but this is naive.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
what I don't understand dear sisters for those is secret second marriage is why do you want to be treated like that, this is what I have never understood. Seriously? is that how we value ourselves? if he cannot tell his family and the world your his second wife what are you doing with him? we need to stop this bad culture, your not his secret mistress!
The road to jannat is filled with obstacles and thorns and the road to hell is a clear way.
So where u think the answer is divorce
Wrong.
That's what a non Muslim would do
You are a Muslim and you need to place hand on heart and make it work
Make it work so so so better than before that the husband realises what a angel of a wife he has and certainly him marrying someone else while he had a angel at home.
The children only can be calm when real parents bring them up.
He didnt do wrong as you were having problems and he didn't want to leave you.
Accept him
Show extra love
Show him who you truly are
A forgiver.
Think if our prophet peace and blessings be on him and his family
Decided not to intercede for the sinners
But just the pious we would all be doomed.
Islam is to be forgiving merciful
And westerners practice divorce
And live single
Just for revenge
And the kids suffer ....what just to see your husband suffer for what his done.
3 loverly children
A bit of you and some of him
Sister be more woman than the one his married to and keep patient
Feed him
Speak to him
Treat him with kindness
And if he doesn't praise you in a year or before I would be ashamed.
He loves you
But can't show it as this person is a wall between you both.
Conclusion
1. No divorce
2. Accept him nd his missus
3. Change yourself to love him more
4. Don't cry but to Allah
5. Be patient
6. Hug him even once a week
7 speak in a lowered voice
8.cook for him
9.iron his clothes before he asks
10. Keep your children to respect him.
Result
1. You would have attained a different level of imran...close to the walis
2.children would grow up happier and secure.
3.Your izaat would grow considerably.
4.YOUR HUSBAND WOULD LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY WOMAN ON EARTH.
5. Be patient.
6. Forgive him
As Allah forgive us.
7. You are now the true Muslim.
And your name would be written alongside the ones who are forgivers and the doors of jannat are open to you.
I'm not saying you're wrong to advise forgiveness. However, it's a mistake to say that divorce is something that only Westerners and non-Muslims do. Divorce is allowed in Islam. A person who has been wronged can choose it as an option without shame.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i disagree to your constantly advising for divorce. Most of the people here are saying to forgive, and the punishment for lying is not divorce or the father loosing his kids. Imagine he takes in the kids as he support them financially, and her been alone without husband and kids. She has a better chance to slip into fitna and live without a husband for life so please stop it.
Read my comment more carefully: "I'm not saying you're wrong to advise forgiveness."
I was not advising divorce in this case. I was merely correcting "Brother", who implied that divorce is not allowed in Islam and is something that only Westerners do.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother. I only advocate divorce if a sister’s husband lies to her, deceives her and then does not accept he is at fault or what is worse uses our religion to excuse himself. Read the Koran brother. It is quite clear on this point. You should not lie and deceive your wife and if you take a second wife you should treat them EQUALLY. If a man takes a second wife and this does not involve deceiving his first wife and/or the second wife and if both wives are agreeable to these arrangements then of course I do not advocate divorce. But on this forum sisters are talking about men who lie and deceive them and about their not being treated equally. I am so tired of listening to brothers who pick what they want from the Holy Koran, force their wives and children to abide strictly by the Word of Allah but then break all the rules of our religion. By so doing they insult our religion. So if their husbands behave like this of course I advocate divorce from these men. Why one rule for men and another for women? So many Muslim men live in the past and cannot accept the Truth of the Koran or the advice from The Prophet, Peace. B.U. Him.
Karim
Dear brothers (Karen),
I have a simple question.
Many people (Muslim) talk about the fairness of Islam.
My husband married secretly a second wife. I have read everything possible , Quran and online.
Conclusion: a man can lie to cintinue his marriage.
My children and I are broken.
If Allah had taken my life it would have been less painful.
I do not expect a man to feel this kind of pain.
I ask for those men who are so knowledgeable about the Ways of the Prophet pbuh , will anybody now take my hand in marriage?
I am now widowed and I have 4 children.
I await patiently to see out of all the Muslims ion this earth is there one decent brother?
I do not wish to be a second wife. I have already shared my husband unknowingly.
Sister p, I'm sorry for the hurt and betrayal you've experienced. Islam does not allow lying. May Allah bless you with a better husband than him.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Your advice is excellent if a woman wants to be a robot, doormat or victim. The Prophet spoke often of how men are suppose to treat their wives. The Prophet also married one divorced woman, Zainab, if not more than one, if I am correct. I am certain everyone here is advising with good intentions. However, I am also certain no one here is a trained marriage counselor, or even more importantly, a child living with a parent who is deceitful, a household full of anxiety and unhappiness and tension.
The idiotic comment about only westerners divorcing is absurd and further supports my understanding of your limited knowledge about Islam, the West, the reality of women's lives in the Middle East, or marriage in general for that matter. At least in the west, when men lie to their first wives and marry another wife secretly, they are looked down on, women may have get financial assistance if they decide to not continue in the marriage and divorced women are not consider used, undesirable or a lost cause. Strange that so many comments here are from Muslim women who have been lied to, manipulated, fooled, and treated badly.
Muslim men are supposed to provide for, protect and care for their wives. Lying to them, establishing secret marriages with other women who may also have been lied to, misleading others is wrong. So often we read of how Muslim women are like gems and jewels, that we are to be respected, that Muslim women are noble and decent. Sad that the truth is that right within the Ummah, so many, many Muslim women do not get that treatment from their very own husbands. It happens so often that when news of a woman being treated poorly, it is received like it is a common ocurrence
Please grow up or at least admit that lack of knowledge and problems exist within our Ummah. And that it is not Muslim women who are running around with secret lovers, contracting secret marriages or manipulating Islamic law to their own convenience. The victim of a crime or offense is not the one who should be reprimanded, lectured or reminded about good manners.
Al Hamdulillah Umm Hussain. You are a strong Muslim sister.
Karim
Another person with the "flying carpet" mentality of marriage, women and family life. If a husband has lied to his first wife, is living with and having sex with another woman his wife knows absolutely nothing about, he destroys trust with his first wife, creates a fitna with the second wife and is only fooling himself. A woman who has been lied to, put at risk for STDS does not have to prove anything to her lying husband. She does not have to "be a better woman". She does not have justify herself. This is not a west or east matter, although secret marriages with lying abusive husbands seem to be more common in the east and honor murders are practically unheard of in the west.
I disagree completely...I'm in the same boat as our sister and I am in constant pain. I would rather never see him again than continue living like this. He lied and betrayed me. We were not put on this earth to suffer at the hands of who is supposed to protect us emotionally mentally and physically. We also have the right not to accept it.
Nur. Al Hamdulillah. You are strong. You are a Muslim. You are right. Karim
I am a Muslim man not a moron. If I were to deceive and lie to my wife I would not consider myself a good Muslim. Sisters, if your husband takes a second wife against your wishes, if he lies and deceives you to hide his second marriage, he has committed the great sin of hypocrisy. Brother, it is you who has the views of a non-Muslim or at least the typical male chauvinist views of many men whatever their religion. What arrogance to suggest that if a sister divorces her deceitful husband she is behaving like a non-Muslim. May Almighty Allah open your mind and show you the true path of Islam which leads to compassion and kindness. Karim.
Sister, its been a long time since you posted. I hope you are well and that Allah decreed for you happiness in your life. I know your pain and unless you have been in polygny especially afirst wife one will not know the pain. I disagree that a second wife considers the first wifes feelings, if she did she wouldn't be a second wife unless she had a meeting with the first and it was clear she was on board. Sorry but MOST second wives nowadays are selfish, they love to compare themselves with the mothers of the believers. They dont have even 1 ounce of taqwa that they had. You often hear them say " want for your sister what you want for yourself" but they do not live by this. Do they want to cry themselves to sleep, do they want to feel like they have burning hot coals in their chest, do they want to be depressed. No, they dont, but thats what they want for their sister. Do they ever think that while they are celebrating their marriage, making love to their husband ect their co wife is at home going through psychological torture. Is that what they want for themselves?
For those who are thinking of being a second wife. SPEAK to the first wife first, if she doesn't want to talk to you, that is a sign she doesn't want polygamy. You will put here through the most horrific experience of her life. Do you want that for yourself.
No one has the right to hurt a Muslim, it is a sin.
Now I know that I am not alone and it makes me feel a little bit better..My husband also secretly married, behind my back, even that I told him clearly that I don't accept to be in such marriage. She sent me their pictures together, saying that she is his wife. It broke my heart, I felt so devastated and all I could is to cry. It has been almost a year since then and I still can't heal myself. Things actually got worse as she is pregnant now. He married her because he used to have choice and it was hard for him to stay just with me, even that he told me so many times that he loves just me and I am his life. I can't understand how could he hurt me so much, and I hate that woman,,,I know its wrong and it only makes me feel worse and that I need to accept whatever Allah sends to me, that He knows better, but whoever says its not a big deal and easy to accept must have stone instead of heart or just doesn't love her husband. Because to know your beloved man is in somebody else's hug hurts and burns from inside. Whoever considers to become a second wife - please, realise that most likely the first wife is gonna be hurt so so much, and you don't want to be a reason of this.
As Salam wa alakum sister
Please tell your husband what she's doing and show him the texts she sends you she's trying to hurt you deliberately do you have children yourself if no then if she's causing so much trouble and it's hard for you to handle it Islamicly you can divorce if you can't handle it anymore I really feel your pain and in sh Allah may Allah ease the pain you're having.
Aaliyah. And tell your husband to block her? Or does he not want to. I do not know. May Allah bring you and your family happiness and peace of mind.
Karim
Hi. I have read many comments just now about husband marrying second wife. I am not Muslim. I am Christian my husband is Muslim a d married before he met me to a Muslim woman when he lived in my country it was okay that we lived together without marriage I would have liked to marry him but because he already had a wife it was against our law for him to marry again he returned to his country and divorced his wife and we married. His ex wife made many problems us for the last four years. I would just like to add here that they have three children born before I met him. I did and do understand that this woman would feel angry and jealous about me and I am truly sorry for this. But, I know they never had love between them, however I do feel sorry for the kids. My husband lived away from them for 12 years in another country so they grew up not having a father when he returned he thought he could earn their love and respect but of course this did not happen
To shorten my story my husband secretly remarried his ex wife while I was on holidays last year. I found out because two days ago she came to my house and told me he was her husband!
I am still in shock. My husband lied to me. ....And I cannot forgive this.... He said we will divorce this week and he probable will but can I ever trust him again. I think not.... Will he marry her again the next time I return to my country for a holiday? I don't know?..... I am not rushing into anything. First because I have no money to start a life in my country and secondly even even though he has betrayed my trust in the worst way I do still love him. I don't tell him this and we now sleep in separate rooms. So my friends what are the answers There is no right or wrong answer to this situation I must make the decision my self and live with it. But I will take time to REALLY think about it as I will have to live with this decision for the rest of my life......go in peace.
what are u saying lynetta! if u think between them there was no LOVE than u are in a very big MISTAKE! if not, they wouldnt been married and they wouldnt been blessed with 3 kids. u destroyed a family for the sake of ur happiness. of course he will not leave his wife, even though they were separated by distance, physically separated, but love in the heart, especially the first love can never replaced the for a man. why are u saying that he betrayed YOU? he actually betrayed his first wife and his children for getting to marry you! you shouldve respected the first wife for letting go her husband and not say she was making problem for both of u, u were the one creating problems for her at first. remember problems in marriage is normal and they couldve faced it without u, but u just burdened the whole family.if u wouldve talked wisely with the first wife and respect her feelings, it wouldnt end up this way.
Sarah. Alhamdullilah. I agree with you. Karim
OP: To shorten my story my husband secretly remarried his ex wife while I was on holidays last year. I found out because two days ago she came to my house and told me he was her husband!
I am still in shock. My husband lied to me. ....And I cannot forgive this..
Is there any Visa thing involved? Your husband and his wife may be playing some kind of games with you.
No there is no visa involved. She has used blackmail tactics to get him to remarry her. Eg. She said she would cut her throat. Said she was not Safe in the house with his brother. She says she is worried the brother will make advances towards her and her daughters. She now wants him to pay for a flat for her and the kids. We already give her £1200 every month. She wants my husband to sit with the families before the divorce and make the commitment to pay for her new flat. My husband does not want the kids to leave the family house. Both the daughters are getting married in August this year only leaving the 14 year old boy . He will come and live with his father. Should I go along with this and wait until after August for him to divorce her? It angers me so much that she makes all the rules. My husband now wants to wait until the girls marry.
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I have not read all the replies but I tell you, Muslims are brothers and sisters.
Prophet SAWW has said that none among you can be a Muslim if he/she doesnt like what he/she likes for himself.
Marriage and Nikah in Islam is not like western concept of ZINAA where a man can have sex with lots of women without Nikah.
Allah SWT has made it legal and Halal in Islam for a man to marry more than 1 woman.
Marriage with another muslim woman who happens to be your sister is a valid and halal act. You must not leave your husband for merely doing something what is halal in the sight of Allah. I am amazed that people are sympathizing with a woman whose husband has got in Nikah another muslim woman or her sister.
Allah SWT has told Prophet SAWW that whatever is made halal by Allah, Prophet SAWW even cant make it haram.
Are you all Muslims who want to break the house of a happily married couple based on a halal act? What sort of westernized women you are who are concealing themselves in Islamic dress?
Fear Allah and accept your husband as provider. As long as you are getting equal treatment, your husband is providing for the household, accept his act of second marriage.
I must tell you that I am from Pakistan, living in the US and my parents were married for their entire life and my mother was only wife. But being a Muslim I submit my will to the orders of Allah and I am trying to tell you guys that you all can not be Muslim until you accept Islam wholeheartedly.
Remember, at the end of the day, you are rewarded and punished based on your Islam. Denouncing a single order of Allah SWT would make you KAFIR.
salam brother. everything in this world has effects upon human actions wether good or bad. we have options in life and we make the decision. and everything that is halal doesnt mean that it wil not give bad effects to human, like talaq, it is halal, but it also may give bad effects to human. and second marriage, it is halal, but also may give bad effects to human. we human make the choice. islam does not force, it calls people to peace.
Polygyny is permitted to men in Islam. What is also permitted in Islam is if a woman does not want to be in a polygynous marriage, she has the right to divorce. If a man determines he can assume the responsibilities of a second, third or fourth wife and desires to have more than one wife, he has that right. But his wife has the right to divorce if she desires to be the only wife. It is not a matter of jealousy, envy or a woman accepting that her husband is adequately providing for her.
it is a serious offense to say men can marry another wife "if they want to", but that if a woman chooses divorce "because she wants to" she is wrong or selfish. It is more grievous when a man lies about his status to the first or second wife. Marriage is based on a high degree of trust. If a man lies to his wife or wives, they can not trust him. It's not rocket science -- or even grade school math
You have missed the point. Lying to a woman about your marital status is haram. Lying to your present wife about another wife via omission of the facts is wrong is and haram. Not wanting to be in a polygamous marriage is not denouncing Allah's words. Your understanding of marriage, family life and basic human kindness within Islamic law is limited and troublesome. You are not an alim, a sheikh, a marriage counselor or may not even be married. Therefore be limited with your cruel and faulty advices about marriage and divorce. And by the way, divorce is permitted in Islam, just like polygamy is. Women were not put on this earth to suffer at the hands of their husbands, to be mistreated, to be discarded or ignored. Unlike many Desi and Arab men, the Prophet did not behave this way. It is so sad because so many men claim to be Sunni, yet fail miserably in behaving anything like our beloved Prophet did when it comes to being a good husband.
Lying inside the family for the sake of peace and reconciliation is not haraam. There is an authentic ahaadeeth about it. It's like saying to your wife "you are the most beautiful woman!" is not haraam.
Once again, another embarrassing, laughable response. Telling your wife you liked the rice and veggies when you did not is not the same as lying to her about another woman you are sleeping with. Your wife lies about spending an extra few dollars is not the same as her lying about maxing out the credit card. Please give everyone on this forum with a brain a break.
How would you feel if your wife or her family "lied" to you about a relationship your wife had with someone else before she married you for the sake of peace? What if she lied to you that she thought you were lovable when in fact she could not stand to be around you? How is lying to your wife about another woman " for the sake of peace and reconciliation" ? If anything it will ruin whatever thread of dignity a man might have left.
Your thinking and comment is indicative of the problems within the Muslim Ummah regarding marriage, the treatment of women and basic honesty. Lying about be married or not being married to someone is a serious sin. There are also authentic hadith that states there are no secret marriages in Islam. If a wife does not know her husband has another wife, then it is a secret. Did the Prophet and his dear companions live like this? Would you want your daughter to be treated in this manner. Would you want your daughter to be a secret second wife? A part of lie. What happens when children are born? Do you tell the children, "don't tell anyone me and your mother are married?"
The argument that polygamy is halal is not the debate. So is slavery. So is beating a wife. So is divorce. The reality is that most men who lie about the second wife more than likely are shallow men who want another sex partner,. They are too cheap and selfish to divorce the first wife and do not want to assume the enormous responsibilities of truly caring for more than one wife. Few men can assume the responsibility and maturity required for one wife, much less two, three or four.
Lying is lying. No woman wants her husband to lie to her about who he is sleeping with.
Umm Hussain,
Look up a good Arabic explanation and translation of the word "nikaah". For example Lisaan ul-Arab or even The Arabic–English Lexicon by Edward William Lane.
You will find, that "nikaah" means "sex". So marriage in Islam is a legal way of sexual relationship between a man and a woman. Nothing more nothing less.
Look up "when is lying allowed in Islam" and you would find that there are situations where it is indeed allowed.
My opinion or your opinion are irrelevant. Read what the scholars said, for example Ibnul Qayim, rahimahullah.
Halaal is clear and haraam is clear.
In response to Abu Abdirrahman April 29, 2017 • 2:01 am comment:
You are nominated as Husband of the Year. Just joking.
Your analysis of marriage is superb. I sincerely hope you have some outstanding and unique personal skills in terms of your income, good looks or contacts. That is because no smart woman would want to be married to someone with your narrow understanding of what marriage is. It seems you lack even one romantic bone in your body, much less a heart.
In the remote possibility that you are married, I hope you never lose your ability to provide, to perform sexually, get seriously ill or develop any more further mental health issues. Your wife may decide that the "contract" is null and void since you will not be able to perform according to the contract's terms and want to divorce you.
Salam Abu Abdirrahman,
This lie isn't the same. You wouldn't want your wife to have four other husbands and then tell you she didn't tell you for the sake of peace. Or her sleeping with the neighbor while you're out to fulfill her desires but then says she has to keep the peace so you don't know.
Also, you're not supposed to take secret lovers which is what you're doing if you don't tell her. She would not recognize the other woman as having any claim on inheritance because the other woman was never your wife in public. Nor would she recognize the children from that marriage having anything to do with you.
By keeping the other woman secret, you cheat her and then cheat your wife because she doesn't even know where your funds are going.
Halal is clear and haraam is clear. Lovers are haraam. Marriage is halal.
Salam Abu Abdirrahman,
Thanks for the reply, unfortunately it is coming down to interpretation at this point and it's not as haraam/halaal. I did look up the phrase you pointed out:
***
Prophet Mohamed (pbuh) said: "Lying is not permitted except in three cases: a man speaking to his wife to make her happy; lying in times of war; and lying in order to reconcile between people." (Tirmidhi)
***
I think you're applying the first case far too broadly. It's like saying you have herpes but you lied about it to your wife to keep her happy, even though afterwards she got herpes too and is unhappy. So hiding a second wife from the first isn't lying to make her happy. And I don't think on the day of judgement you could use it as a valid defense against hellfire. I think this would get applied to you and you would become liable:
***
https://quran.com/2/42
"And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know [it]."
***
As for your other point that nikaah is just a license for sex in Islam it's quite more than that.
This verse makes men maintainers of women. The whole wali process is a transfer of maintenance by the father of the girl to the groom.
http://legacy.quran.com/4/34
This verse points out that you gave a solemn pledge with girl so it's not like you just signed up for a sex license.
http://legacy.quran.com/4/21
This verse points out that you have to live with them in kindness.
http://legacy.quran.com/4/19
I'll stop here with the references but my point is that it's not just a license for sex. Marriage is a responsibility for the guy, a solemn vow, a transfer of maintenance from the father, and also yes, a mutual license for sex with the thought that chastity is being sought. Then beyond that there's the consequence of sex which is kids, maintaining bonds of family, fulfilling rights of others, inheritance and so forth.
For you to go out and marry women with the thought that nikaah is no more than a sex license and that lying to women is ok as long as you can fulfill your lust and keep them happy, that's just going to put you in a very difficult position in the afterlife. I don't think you will be able to defend yourself when you are asked why you concealed the truth. I don't think you'd even be able to maintain them with justice by lying to them and there's a verse on that. My recommendation is to not conceal the truth, be upfront and tell your wife when you're marrying her that you intend to get another one. Save yourself from being liable. Salam.
I am not sure if you understand how a Muslim man should behave towards his wife. Did this man treat both wives equally? Did he lie to his wife? Did he deceive his wife and his family? If you answer these questions honestly you will know whether this man has committed a great sin, perhaps the greatest sin. May Allah protect you sister. Karim
It is haram if you lie to and deceive your first wife for whatever reason. Muslim men should be honest: they take a second wife through lust and not to care for a woman who needs their support. How often do these fine Muslim men take second wives who are older than their first wives? Hardly ever. Hypocrisy is the greatest sin and a sin practiced by too many Pakistani and Saudi men. May Allah in his mercy forgive them their sins. Karim.
Brother. Why do you always talk about a Muslim man's rights and never about a Muslim sister's rights? Why do you talk about what is below a sister's clothes and suggest it is wrong to be a westerner? I am a Muslim man brought up in the West although I now live in the Middle East. Your views have the hollow sound of so many men of our religion. You, for whatever reason, think that our Muslim sisters should accept lies and deceit from men. This is not Islam it is part of your twisted culture whatever that might be. Islam recognises no borders. We are all the creation of Allah the Almighty. Nowhere does it state that a sister must accept the deceit and lies of a man. She has EQUAL rights. You are a dynasaur and our Muslim sisters are becoming stronger. Are you frightened of their strength brother? If so you are weak. Look to our Prophet's wife (P.B.U.Him). She was strong. I am a strong man because I am a slave to Allah. There is a war taking place between Muslims like me and Muslim men who cling to their power over decent Muslim sisters. Men who, like you, think that our Muslim sisters do not deserve equality. You will lose this war brother because Allah is all powerful and has given Muslim sisters equality. May Allah open your eyes and give you more wisdom for you have none. Islam is for the past, the present and the future. You are the past. Karim.
Brother. Why do you always talk about a Muslim man's rights and never about a Muslim sister's rights? Why do you write. about what is below a sister's clothes and suggest it is wrong to be a westerner? I am a Muslim man brought up in the West although I now live in the Middle East. Your views have the hollow sound of so many men of our religion. You, for whatever reason, think that our Muslim sisters should accept lies and deceit from men. This is not Islam it is part of your twisted culture whatever that might be. Islam recognises no borders. We are all the creation of Allah the Almighty. Nowhere does it state that a sister must accept the deceit and lies of a man. She has EQUAL rights. You are a dynasaur and our Muslim sisters are becoming stronger. Are you frightened of their strength brother? If so you are weak. Look to our Prophet's wife (P.B.U.Him). She was strong. I am a strong man because I am a slave to Allah. There is a war taking place between Muslims like me and Muslim men who cling to their power over decent Muslim sisters not for good Islamic reasons but because of their selfishness and ignorance about Islam. Such men insult and are a danger to Islam. How can we protect our religion against so many enemies if we allow certain men to talk nonsense about Islam. They allow us to be ridiculed. Men who, like you, think that our Muslim sisters do not deserve equality. You will lose this war brother because Allah is all powerful and has given Muslim sisters equality. May Allah open your eyes and give you more wisdom for you have none. Islam is for the past, the present and the future. You are the past. Karim.
Yes A Muslim Brother. These rules apply equally to Muslim men. Why do you only refer to the duties of our Muslim sisters? Do you not think our Muslim sisters do as much if not more to provide for the household and their families? My wife does more than me. I respect her and do not deceive her. She is stronger than me in family matters and wiser. The trouble with many Muslim men is that they struggle to realise and accept that most women are more intelligent than them. I am by profession an educationalist. Face it brother, accept it and stop cherry picking from the Koran to suit your own male purposes. Look to the way our Prophet P.B.U.H. to know how to treat your wife. Follow all the teachings of the Holy Koran.
Karim
Everyone here is saying it's his right WHAT ABOUT HER RIGHTS she has a right to divorce him Islamicly if she can't cope with him having a second wife plus he lied to her and was dishonest she has every right to divorce him she's not in a healthy situation it says here on this website that she can divorce if she has a reason isn't Islam about equal rights it's not all about him already it's also about her and her situation who wants a lying and cheating husband no one people should stop being one sided.
https://islamqa.info/en/452
When a man takes another woman for his wife without telling his fi st wife. He is a liar and a cheat! No other words for him. He uses the the Islamic words to justify his adultery
He can divorce the first wife when Ever his wants if he is no longer happy with her
so why not be honest and do this instead of sneaking behind his wife's back
My husband did the same to me. Had all the excuses under the sun to try and justify what he did to me I gave him the choice to divorce her or me, whitch is more than he he gave me
Happily I can say he has divorced her. Even though he has has divorced her it will take me a long long time to to trust him like I did before
Which woman will accept if her man came home and told her of his second marriage?? Or if he wanted to marry again and asked for her permission? Its very hard on the sister and its not a nice place to be in. But sister dont listen to all the above who have divorced their husbands without considering everything properly. Yes, islamically you have rights and you can go to the sharia and go for the divorce and you will both go your own ways. Ask yourself is this what you really want? You have 3 kids so think hard. Im not sitting here justifying his actions but please think hard and ultimately what is meant to have will happen. Why he didnt tell you? We all know no one would accept it. Why he did this, Allah nos best. The pen has written it all and the ink has dried. Was this girl meant to be in his life? Maybe yes. Principally he has done wrong but islamically he has not. Remember those who are broken dont like seeing things fixed. Its our duty to give positive advice and amend rather than ruining lives of not just your and your husbands but your kids. Allah show you and us all the righteous path and guide us towards what is best for us InshaAllah and may He reward you for your struggles in these tough times.
Your husband has lied to you for years. Divorce him. Apply for child support an some type of maintenance. When men are required to behave well towards the first wife and be responsible on a regular basis, then this fitna will end. The "be patient", "it is permissible", "you should think about it" rhetoric is just that: talk. Maybe men should start being more patient, more prayerful, more dutiful and increase their studying of Islam so they can truly understand their duties as husbands and fathers. Men who lie about a marriage are like adulterers. They are also liars. Manipulators and fooling themselves about their so-called rights and ignorant of what marriage and family life is. Men actually beat their wives and humiliate their wives for lesser infractions, like poor housekeeping or not agreeing with the husband over foolish matters. A man lies to his wife about another woman he is having sex with and people tell the wife to be patient? Another valid reason why Islam is under attack by non-Muslims. Would any of these men sit with the Prophet Muhammad and look at him and say they are doing this?
Sister Umm Hussain, I applaud you for your plain-speaking and brave response.
Instead of telling women who have fallen victim to their husbands' lies, we need to educate MEN not to lie to and deceive the very women under their care.
The issue here isn't polygamy. The issue is being lied to. I can't even pretend to know what the pain must be like. But it must make those women feel as though their entire marriage was a lie.
Taking a second wife is halal. But lying is haram. And no one likes being made a fool of. If a man wishes to take a second wife he must at least have the courtesy to inform the first. Then she will be able to make a decision for herself whether to remain in that marriage or not. Patience is a virtue, but we must have a choice whether to exercise patience and remain in the marriage or choose the no lesser painful path of divorce, which also requires patience.
None of the daughters of the Prophet saws were married to men who already had a wife. The Prophet saws refused the proposals of both Abu Bakr and Umar, who had asked for the hand of Fatimah RA. And they were the two best men of this ummah. He instead chose Ali RA as a son in law who was unmarried.
None of the sons in law of the Prophet saws chose to marry a second time whilst being married to the Prophet's daughters. They knew this would hurt their wives and in turn the Prophet saws himself.
When Ali RA decided to propose to the daughter of Abu Jahl, the Prophet saws PUBLICLY addressed the issue and asked Ali to divorce Fatimah RA should he wish to go ahead and take a second wife. Why did he not ask his daughter to exercise patience? Because he knew sometimes a woman just cannot do that. She cannot bear to share her husband with another woman and this isn't opposing what Allah swt has made halal. Otherwise Fatimah RA, the Queen of the women of Paradise, would not have opposed her husband taking a second wife and certainly her father would not have supported her.
Yes Lynette. Alhamdulillah.
Karim
Yes Prayerful Sister. Wise words.
Karim
Bless you. I know I'm in the same situation. He's now decided to no longer support us mother of 3. Due to illness he's physically unable to have a sexual relationship with either of us. So I feel that I am no longer his wife, but I'm stuck unable to move my life forward. And this appears to be his revenge on me! I'm have to wait now to try and divorce on the grounds of abandonment but feel I'm at constant risk of him knocking on the front door. I'm heartbroken and Allah knows I have followed him for 35years supported his every wish. Now I'm cast aside, if the route to heaven is beneath my feet how can the father of my children cast me away like this?
M. Put your faith in Allah. Divorce your ridiculous husband. Let his family take him home and care for him. It is not your duty. You still have many years of life ahead of you, insha Allah, and you should make every effort to enjoy it. Don't become a broken bitter wife. Go back to school. Get a skill. Even if it is housekeeping or caring for a sick person. At least you will be appreciated, get paid for your work and earn some financial security for you and your children. They will also see you as a responsible person, not a victim. Your children are going to grow up in a few years. You do not want to be alone when they do not need you. Find out what resources are available to you and use them. Find another husband. There are older single men who definitely want an old fashioned type lady or an older new fashioned lady.
Assalamu Alaikom. Divorce the liar and hypocrite.
true Allah Neva put us in a situation like that inshallah
But She's in a bargaining position Rt now ... She should ask for all her Rights and win him over rather then throwing him in the other women's hand
I see many silly comments on this topic by people who do not know better, under Islamic law the father MUST spend on his children regardless of wife or ex-wife's financial position, you people are willing to discuss hard topics about Islam without first learning the easy stuff, disappointed and I finally understand why this Ummah is so weak.
Very correct analysis. So many sincere Muslims have to constant spend time explaining away the bad behavior of so-called decent Muslim men who are in fact running a game on their own family members. In countries where women have total access to the courts, very few men consider lying their way into a secret second wife because they know the consequences will be child support, divorce, broken home, etc.
One man I know explained to his first wife of two years that he wanted to marry a co-worker who was a bit older and had never married. The first wife had been raised being aware of polygamy and of a certain personality. She did not have a fairy tale view of marriage. She told her husband she was not begging Allah for her husband to have a new wife, but understood and she wanted for her sister what she wanted for herself. She told her husband he must abide by the rules of marriage with both her and his new wife, in terms of days, expenses and gift giving. The new wife was well off, had her own home and an excellent position. When she got pregnant, masha Allah, she had to have complete bed rest. The first wife suggested the husband spend as much time with the second wife caring for her like a good husband. He also was responsible to pay the second wife's maintenance which included a housekeeper. In less than three months he was exhausted, cranky, financially troubled and unhappy while afraid for his second wife as she was having a difficult pregnancy. He actually asked the first wife to help care for his second wife, although she lived in a different town from the second wife -- and this was not even her responsibility. He also asked the second wife to consider getting a smaller condo or selling her property because he did not want to spend all his money for her housing. The situation ended with some difficulty. The second wife lost her baby. And then she divorced her husband. The first wife also divorced the husband. Both women felt the husband was too self-centered and immature to be married to each of them.
You should divorce him.There is no nice way to put it but if he truly loved you he would have divorced her. Same thing happened with my mom and we(my sister,me,her)suffered do much, I believe that it's wrong that a man in Islam can take another as a wife without the firsts permission. There's no easy way, but would you really lie to your kids about how great life's treating you and that you have a happy family? You can get a better start and maybe find a man who's worthy of you. And if you don't divorce him now youll never do it
I agree. I am a Muslim man and would never lie to and deceive my first wife in this way. I would fear the wrath of Almighty Allah who places lies and deceit high on the list of the very worst sins we can commit. Karim
I loved a person who was already married.But now I am realising my mistake.I want him to go back with his married life ie his first married wife.so plz help me with this .Can you plz suggest a wazifa so that he starts loving his first wife and he should start hating me too.Need help
Some women believe the hype a married man uses. "My wife does not understand me" is the oldest one in the book. Single sisters, you should know that if a married man approaches you the first thing you should ask is if the present wife knows what he is doing. (I am still trying to figure out how a married man courts a single woman) Just as a woman will ask about the husband's personality and preferences, if the man is already married, she should also consider asking to have a meeting with the current wife and know her personality and preferences. I am certain that things will change quickly with most men if a second wife asks for this. I know of one man who actually had his sister fake being the first wife. Only thing is the sister told the potential second wife the truth, disgusted with her brother's lies. In reality most men want a "new" bed partner. They do not want the serious responsibilities that come with having another woman they are responsible for. Our beloved prophet said "do not be shy in matters of religion", so we should all not hesitate to be honest about men sneaking around with secret wives. This fitna is from shaitan, destroys trust between Muslims (the wife/wives and the husband) and usually ends in disaster where wives and chilldren suffer, not t the hands of non-believers, but by the person who promises to protect them.
I shouldn't be advising on divorcing him but if you can't accept it, it's best to leave! Leave the children too, so they know what he did and so he has to live with the children And Realise too!!!
Take your kids back later but make it hard for him and u also said he wasn't perfect from before right? Think wisely!
Sister, your advice to divorce a hypocrite is good advice. Why are so many sisters weak when confronting men's hypocrisy and lies? We are Muslims. Men and women have equal rights not to be lied to and deceived. Take these hypocritical men for every penny you can. Leave mercy and final judgement to Allah if need be. But be a Muslim and be a strong woman. Stop behaving like wimps when dealing with a man who pretends to be a Muslim but breaks all of Allah's rules. Islam is nothing if sisters do not stand up for what is right. A liar is a liar and if he uses our fine religion to defend his lies he is a hypocrite. Use the words. Stop stepping on egg shells around such weak men. Allah commands you thus. Karim
Polygamy is permitted in Islam. However, lying to your spouse is not. Lying includes concealing the truth about important matters. What is more important to a woman than her marriage and family life? What if the husband has children with the secret second wife. Shouldn't the first set of children know who their siblings are? Would it be devastating for a family member, child or the wives to bump into one another and then discover the husband is one and the same?
The rules of polygamy require the husband to treat his wives fairly? If the second wife knows her husband has another wife -- and the first wife does not -- something is seriously wrong. There is also the matter of sexually transmitted diseases. Every wife has the right to know she has some protection from being exposed to an STD; she can not if she doesn't know her husband has another sex partner.
Deceit and distrust is from shaitan and destroys marriages. The idea that men (and as one writer ridiculously tried to justify, that Arab men in particular) have special needs is totally ridiculous and offensive, as if women do not have needs. Most women have the basic need of not being told lies by their husband.
Men who fail to tell the wife of another wife is in plain language a philanderer, liar, punk, weak, failure of a man. If men are so capable, strong and able, can they not tell his wife he will marry another wife? Many men claim they do not want to hurt the first wife. That is pretty much a bold faced lie. They simply do not want the responsibility of dealing with the results of doing so: a heartbroken woman, scheduling, financial responsibilities, in-laws, etc. Many women do not have the sophistication of dealing with moral bums. But the "I don't want to hurt her" line is a weak reason, a line, a manipulation that some women buy into, when in fact the husband just wants a second sexual partner (usually younger, more energetic and having never had to clean up, pick up or put up with a deficient man). These women are the ones who believe the lies a man tells them. Do they have a wakil? Parents who are in agreement with such inappropriate marriage arrangements? What father or mother wants their daughter in an secret second marriage?
If a man has a "secret" wife, this actually borders on adultery. The first wife has no knowledge of her husband having sex with another woman and that is ok? What woman wants to be a "secret" wife? So many people claim that polygamy is permissible in Islam. Yes it is. For the husband. Many fail to acknowledge that a wife has the right to NOT have to be in a polygamous relationship.
As Salaamu Alaykum. My name is Jaiyana and I feel your pain. I am in similar situation. Yet my situation I ENDED IT before it went any further. He told me for 15 months he was NEVER MARRIED, and wanted me as his first wife. As time evolved, I too trusted him and believed him, and cried so much waiting for him to marry me. Excuses. Stupid excuses, until finally after 15 months, he was forced to speak the truth. He IS ALREADY married, and wanted me as his 2nd wife, yet marry secretly. I was disgusted by this and know what he has done is WRONG. He us wrong to do it to her, lie and cheat and wrong to lie to me. I have told him he must tell her CHEATED and LIED. I am so heartbroken from this.
I am sorry for your pain Elham
Not accepting second wife is more of an ego problem on the part of women than the fear of not having met nature's needs from men, including love and financial support. Another mistake women make out of ignorance is that they equate men to themselves in terms of emotional attachment, etc. Men have superb ability to mange their emotions and even love more than one woman at a time which is not possible for women by design of nature.
Nature has created man as polygamous by design and woman as monogamous. If a man restricts himself to one wife, he has to struggle internally a lot to keep himself restricted to one wife, but that is not the case with women. They are at awesome ease in doing that. Indeed, a woman will get disturbed internally if she tries to emotionally attach to two man. That is not the case with men; rather they feel inner urge to extend the range of their relationships up to their capacity and the majority would like to settle for two.
If women do not make the second marriage an ego problem, this world would be a happier place. And also no man would dare to tease and torture woman on the fear of losing her because she would have options to become wife of a man kind and loving to her - no matter being a second wife.
Salam Rehan,
What you're saying isn't true. In other cultures women do love and get two or more husbands. They are capable of loving more than one guy at a time. There are many women who are monogamous that had a previous love and still love both their current husband as well as their guys from the past. There are some people in the US that are "polyamorous" and there are women that have two husbands and are very happy with both of them.
As for the ego problem it really isn't that. Culture raises men and women to believe that being loved is to be special. When a woman chooses that one man he is special to her. For her to then choose another man at the same time would mean that he isn't that special but there is another man she also considers special. Similarly, this is the loss women go through when their husband marries another woman. He used to say, "I love you and I would do anything for you..." And now he says, "I love you and I would do anything for you... when it is your night and I'm not with the other girl I love and would do anything for."
The other thing women go through is the feeling of half a divorce. They used to get 100% of the attention for their kids and themselves, and now they just get 50%. The guy is just not there half the time now. Plus, men are supposed to be protectors of women but now that wife is only protected half the time. The other half of the time she's with the kids alone, her guy is with another girl, and if someone with bad intentions were to come knocking she would have to deal with it.
Getting married and then having your husband get another wife creates a bigger sense of loss. When she married the guy he married with his value at full, claiming that he will provide a certain lifestyle. And that got him a certain quality of wife. If he had presented himself as someone that would only be there half the time and provided only half the money then he would get a different quality of wife. And for guys that are interested in that, please do it upfront. You will then get two lesser quality women, women that are having difficulty getting married for various reasons.
Now, there is another condition where women may be fine with their husband marrying another woman. And that condition is that they value the other woman a lot. The wife makes the sacrifice that she will give up half her wealth from her husband, his love, his time, and the time to both their kids, so that another woman doesn't end up alone. In such a deal the guy gets more worldly gain as he has kids from two women and he has two women, assuming he likes the arrangement. And I would expect the woman to get more gain in the afterlife as she is making a big sacrifice.
Now there are some people that say the woman has no say as to whether her husband gets a second wife. That's not really true in practice. The wedding must be public so she must be aware that it's happening. She is also entitled to a divorce if she feels she cannot stay within the limits ordained by Allah. So eventually the guy will be back down to just one wife. So my recommendation is that if a guy really wants two wives please say that upfront. It will increase the chance that he will get to keep both wives.
And what about the man’s sacrifice? Or is it only we Muslim men who do not have to suffer from a partner who deceives and lies? Karim
Rehan. Teacher, heal yourself.
Karim
Rehan. Are you 12? Maybe 20? I do not mean to insult you, but your response is simply offensive and another reason why people searching for answers to their problems should often limit themselves to Professionals. You ridiculously blame women for not wanting their husband to take a second wife with a laughable explanation about womens' psychology and men's sexual makeup. I suppose the emotional makeup of most women is not of any consideration. Or are you another limited person who values a man's feelings and mentality over a woman's. None of us have rank over the other simply based on our gender. We are all servants of Allah and all of us deserve to be treated with respect.
Most people in general, men and women, enter into a marriage understanding that trust and respect a great necessity in any relationship especially marriage. Not accepting polygamy -- or in this case a man lying and cheating with both women he is married to (since the first wife does not know about the other) is the right of any Muslim woman. Muslim men have the right to have up to four wives. Muslim women have the right NOT to be one of four wives. Why is this right so rarely discussed or emphasized. Even the Prophet discouraged Ali from considering polygamy when Ali had the opportunity to marry another woman. And the Prophet Muhammad himself was married to only Khadijah for 25 years until her death and still sorely missed her years later.
Some women may be accepting of polygamy and some women will not. It is not an "ego" thing for a woman to be wanted and loved by her husband 100%. Polygamy was conditional and permissible for the Muslims, primarily because of political conditions, war, and other social constructs that leave the population imbalanced with more women than men. Polygamy also comes with obligations and rules. A man lying to his wife, even by omission and sneaking around in a "fasit" marriage with another woman is not part of the Sunnah.
Really? So what men have told you this? I am an English Muslim convert to Islam and I have no desire to take a second wife or to deceive my first wife. What about the rights of women to do the same or do you feel that women should not have equal rights? I find your comments regarding men insulting to men. It is sexist. Karim
Rehan. You are an ignorant fool. What religion do you follow? Do you read the Koran? I am a Muslim and your words offend me. You are the weak one not the sisters who write here. I will not reply to your ignorant nonsense again. How dare you insult our Muslim sisters with your stupidity. May Allah forgive you brother. May Allah give you intelligence and wisdom which you clearly lack.
Karim.
Salam
I dont know how you fell but i do know if i were in your situation i would divorce him . a man will never share his woman with anyone so why they expect us to share them . Make you own deceisions nobody has the right to tell you what to do but whatever deceision you made be happy with it and move on and live your life best of luck
Sister what happened??? I'm in the same situation. My husband has cheated me for 4 years. I just come to know he's been married to her and has a child. My feelings are the same.
My dear sister...I have found myself in the same situation. I am British and he is from turkey...we married in his country and when I came back to England I applied for a spouse visa to bring him over here. I have been married before and have two children but am unable to have anymore. He knew this and said he didn't want any as he considered my children as his own. It took 5 years of me paying for lawyers and going to court 3 times. Eventually he got his visa while doing his army service. As soon as he came out of the army I got his ticket for him to come. I made all preparations for his arrival and told him to only bring himself as I had bought him everything he would need. He came but for a long time we had problems. Lack of intimacy being the biggest problem. I sat and spoke to him many times. I asked him if there was anyone else in his life and if there was then he was allowed to divorce me. I said I could not force him to stay but he insisted that there wasn't anyone. Prior to this, while he was in turkey I asked his father if he married anyone but he swore in allahs name he hadn't. Anyway...after about a year of being here he wanted to go home for 10 days and I asked why the rush? He said he missed his family so I suggested we go together but he said we can go another time. He went. Now almost a year later I found out that his family married him to a family member and has had two sons. You can imagine how I felt. When my sister in law told him over the phone (he asked her to tell me) I dropped to the floor. My whole world was shattered. He insisted that it is me he loves and that when he went for 10 days it was to finish with her. Apparently he told her and his family that when he gets his visa he's leaving to be with me. But he got his visa while in the army but was still intimate with her and she fell pregnant with their second son. I feel he only told me because his other wife threatened to tell me which she did after he told me. His parents don't want her as she was rude and disrespectful to them all the time. In my heart I believe that he only finished with her because of her actions otherwise had she been a lovely pious woman I would still be none the wiser. At one point he said he married her to have children but never loved her. Now he isn't interested in the boys either to which I said then it was all for nothing...I can't forgive him. I have seen their wedding pictures and their selfies together and photos of the boys. She apparently told his family that she was going to destroy our marriage but to me it's my husband that destroyed both out marriage and my world. My sister in law and my husband said that his father forced him to marry saying that I lied about trying to bring him over and the neighbors were saying I used him to have a holiday there. While I was there I had my own money. I trusted him more than I trusted myself. I loved him so much that for the 5 years we were apart I cried almost every night praying for him to get his visa. While I was running around with lawyers and courts, crying and praising him he was in the arms of another woman. I also told him before we got married that if he ever took a second wife I would not make halal my love for him. I feel that every day I am dying. I cry every day and can not concentrate on anything.
Sister, being lied to, cheated on or betrayed is devastating. However, you have the courts on your side. You probably have good health and perhaps family and friends. Tell your husband to leave. Make every effort to remove him from your life. He does not deserve a dedicated, sincere woman like you. Do not depend on his family for one minute. They knew about the other wife and kept it from you. Citizenship in Europe or the US is like having a gold mine. Or water if you are in the desert Concentrate on the blessings you do have -- like having a brain, and good health and move on taking it one day at a time. But keeping your lying husband far from you. Count your blessings you have no children with him. Sell his possessions to offset your legal fees. Go to the citizenship offices and notify them you have been lied to. You owe this liar nothing. His behavior is similar to committing adultery which by the way would end a marriage immediately. You don't owe this man a crumb. Move on. Protect yourself and your children from any more heartache. I know it is hard now, but each day you will get stronger. The man is like a virus. But when you take your medicine, each day you grow stronger. This message is also for any other woman who has been lied to. Don't fall for the "I am sorry." Get a good lawyer and protect yourselves from liars, cheats, philanderers who only think of themselves.
Has this man lied, deceived, been hypocritical. Then these are three of the worst sins we as Muslims can commit. I agree with Fareed.
Sorry sister but I want to pause and question to you that will guide you to a right descion. .I know the pain is too much!
Question 1.I divorce my husband for marrying a 2nd wife
Answer; it relieves yr pain but you miss jannah
Question; my husband married a 2nd wife. .it was painful but I became patient
Answer; reward is jaanah but u will miss some worldly love in full since yr sharing him. .
SISTER CHOOSE ONE ANSWER
..MAY ALLAH COMFORT YOU
I feel your pain. It’s such a bad bad hurt. I hope you are living in comfort now.
As a follow up to many of these responses, Believers should know that when a woman is unhappy in a polygynous marriage, there is no guarantee that she will receive jannah if she stays in the marriage where she is miserable. If that were the case, Paradise would be full of first wives. Only Allah knows and determines who will receive jannah. And because He has permitted divorce, there is nothing unIslamic if a woman who has been treated poorly decides it is best she divorce her husband. Much of the talk and belief encouraging women to tolerate her husband's horrible treatment is not based on the Sunnah, but rather appears to be an effort to mislead women and somehow keep women "in their place"
Absolutely correct. It is time that Muslim sisters stood up and were strong. A liar is a liar. A hypocrite is a hypocrite. Love is the strongest human emotion. It hurts. But you will not have self respect if you don't divorce a lying husband and you will set a bad example for your children and other Muslim sisters. Be strong. Trust in Allah. Show hypocrites and liars the door. Leave mercy to Allah. Ignore their wiesel manipulative words. Do you you think he will stop lying after all these yearrs? Really? Why should you think he is being truthful now just to save his nice cosy life style? It is painful but Allah will support you. Have Faith and be strong enough. He will cause you more pain. Do you want that?
Karim.
Hi ,
After seeing the about post i feel like i should share my story of secret marriage. we are four in our family my parents and my elder sister. My elder sister cannot get married cause she is Psychologically not well like wise my dad. I married to a girl who is revert but she was suffering from strange disease where doc said she cannot bare child and its been 9 years we been together. We tried all possible ways to get child but we couldn't have it and we also spend whole lot of money. If i dont have a child then my family gone. Hence i got married to one more girl who is revert again. Both of them dosen't know about my secret marriage. I cant tell them nor i can share this with any of my family member. M dying every day M suffering every day. some times i feel what i did is wrong and some time i feel what i did is correct. Kindly tell me what u feel about my situation and be honest please
XYZ, your circumstances are not happy ones. But that does not entitle you to mislead your family, especially your wife. Do not make excuses for having a secret wife.
Believe me. It never ends well. How do you plan on raising a family with your second wife if your first wife is not aware of it?
Do you plan on telling lies to your wife over the next 20 - 25 years? What if something unfortunate happens to your second wife or a baby she might have? Have an honest conversation with your first wife and tell her about your other wife. If you have explored all possibilities for a baby and none worked, then your job is to try to make your wife understand that you love her, but still want to have children. That makes sense. But lying to your wife by omission of important information will destroy your marriage. And your relationship with Allah will never get better, especially if you are lying to your family and thinking you deserve the blessings of Allah.
Men are the protectors and providers of their wives, not the liars to their wives. Your situation is not that unique or harsh. You are not facing war, famine, weather related catastrophies, being homeless. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and deceiving your family.
Assalamaleykum, I too suffering from dis pain.without my knowledge he married another women coz I dont have child. From 2 nd wife he got 2 children. His 2nd wife behavior is not good with my husband family. Then too he like her. I can't see my husband with 2nd wife .it pains me lot. Whenever he is upset with 2nd wife he used to beat me, use bad words and many more without any reason.I asked why ur behavior is good with 2nd wife n not with me. He said she gave me child. And u r useless . If u go away from my life there will be no loss. But if 2nd wife gone then I will be separated from my children. If u want to live with me live as I keep u. If not then u can go away by taking khulla.
Sister. Is it not possible to return to your family home. The way your husband treats you is haram. It is abusive. Why do women even ask questions like "What should I do?' when their husband abuses them. This is the question you should pose to a divorce lawyer -- after you have left because of abuse and neglect.
Rear sister i can unfersatand ur feelings &the situation u r in.. Ur kids eed father.. shariah has permitted him. I know u r hurt.. ur kids are evenly hurt.&they may b more hurt if u think only about ur lifes injustice.. Be a braveheart..face the situation. Divorce can b a way out.. but not the only way.. Think about ur early days when U were the Only Queen.. what made him dere this step.. whoz fault was it?
Plz consider oppology.. If he aks for it.
U will b rewarded..in this world and hereafter..
Love u..As a Sister in Islam.
This advice contradicts so many principles of Islam. Children need their father. It is the father's job to be responsible and to maintain and keep good relations with their children. Lying about another wife goes against this. If men knew their wives never tolerate being treated badly many would not think about sneaking around with another woman.
Example: If you know you WILL get ticketed and possibly towed if you park illegally, most people will never park in no parking zones. If you know nothing will happen, parking will be abused. Life is similar. If men knew their wives had the ability and means to remove themselves from an unhappy marriage, many of these posts and conditions would simply not exist.
Women in these horrible conditions should strongly consider divorcing the lying husband who does not deserve them. Sneaking around with a secret lover called a second wife is not polygyny. It is sneaking around. No man would never ever tolerate it if his wife did this, no matter how unhappy she was. No one would tell a man to be forgiving if his wife even smiled and flirted with another man. Why do others tell women to be patient and forgiving when their husband sneaks off with another woman and lies about it.
Leave him Ofcourse he’s a liar and he cheated with no mercy without considering your feelings for a second, there is no thinking In this the obvious solution is that u need to leave him for own sake and just wait and watch how he’ll marry a third wife while he’s married to the the second woman cause he is a greedy unloyal man
Before anyone judges me, hates me, wants to scold me, I'd like to say that please understand that I am also someone's daughter, sister, etc.
4 years ago, I came across a man who was married. And we got along since we both had similar professional backgrounds, him already practicing, while I was still in training. From the get go, he showed his interest, but he was extremely strict about dating, meeting alone, or having any such relations. He was/is very religious. Only few weeks into knowing each other, he decided to talk about marriage, and asked indirectly, that there is friend of his who wants to marry a woman to help her, but his first wife refuses. What would you do if your husband would like to marry more than once. I told him straight up that if I'm doing each and everything to please my husband, I wouldn't want him to marry another woman. This was my first time ever having such a conversation with a man about polygamy. Mind you that I was the type of a woman who never had a boyfriend. My life's struggles never allowed me to have a boyfriend or such interest. This was my very first time ever a man approaching me instead of I approached him.
Anyway, he goes, well that's wrong because if a man has all the means, he is capable of marrying more than one woman, he is religious, he's physically, emotionally, financially stable to maintain more than one woman, wouldn't you think it would be a great reward to help more than one woman to have a better partner, companionship? I still didn't agree, but that was a very different approach to look at for me. He then goes on to talk about how statistically we have 3:1 ration of women:men in Islamic community and it's going to get only worse with time. He then talked about that why first wives think that only reason men want to marry a second woman is because they no longer want a first one. It's not always the case. After this, my whole view about marriage, polygamy changed. Afterwards, we still connected, he would ask me about my religious background, how practicing I was, and would remind here and there about praying regularly, etc.
After few months, he told me that he's interested to marry me, but the issue is that he's married with kids and he loves and adores his wife very much. He is unwilling to accept my second marriage despite knowing that I want to marry another woman for the right reasons and I am capable of doing that. It kind of confused me, but being a single woman, from a very struggling background throughout my life, almost past my ideal marriage age, and being almost 30, I started to develop interest as he would continue to give me hope that he wants to marry me.
However, I would like to mention that throughout our time, not once he EVER said a single word against his wife, his family, his parents that was negative. I did realise that he was trying to make me come out of the negative side that I had built due to my life struggles. There is no doubt about him changing me, transforming me all along to bring me closer to Islam, make me optimistic, taught me to get better in dealing with struggles, failures, etc.
One thing he failed to do all along, by the way, this whole process of him meeting from day one till today has been 4 years. One thing he failed to do all along was to convince his wife for his second marriage. However, this man wouldn't stop approaching me. Three years into knowing each other, he tells me, what if I tell you that I am proposing you and let's perform Istikhara, and after that, go ahead and ask your parents and family. We performed Istikhara, and then he gave me the permission to ask my parents and siblings. I did that. My father was very shocked at first that I being single was asking him to accept a man for my marriage who's not only already married but also have kids. After a week into him thinking and asking back and forth, due to our situation and struggles, my father decided to agree and meet the candidate. This man comes and meet my parents with many conditions, which we already discussed many times, and now he was discussing them with my parents. Now conditions: at that time, it didn't seem that it's quite common for men to apply these knowing that first wife will be unaware of the second marriage. So he goes on to say that I will not be announcing my marriage to anyone beside my parents, my siblings until certain time period. My marriage will also not be announced to his wife, or to his parents, and also he did not need to have his parents as he was a "man." So we all talk, my dad really likes him and gets really impressed by how dedicated he is towards fixing issues in society, fixing issues in Islamic community, reviving Sunnah of marrying more than one, and so on. He was/is extremely passionate man.
So from the date of our first meeting with my parents, we decide a date for nikah two months after. He himself, my dad, and I go through all required parts of what's needed to be done for Nikah, what's the Sunnah way, and if it was obligatory for first wife to find out. My dad and I, we both always made sure that if the man was really willingly 100% sure that the first family would never go through pain, struggles because of this marriage and he was able to take care of everything later on. He agreed, and we continued. However, setting was as such that I believe no parent ever likes it no matter what. This was our very first time having such a marriage in our entire family/relatives/friends' circle. So this goes on back and forth, with him, being scared knowing that he's never done something like this or overall in his life in a secret where he didn't inform his wife. Two days before my nikah, he gets extremely scared and worked up, and decides to call the wedding off on his own. This really shocks me, my parents, my siblings. I go through so much pain, hurt, and don't understand that he himself who's so convinced and convinced me and my parents to marry, calls it off right before marriage.
Later, I try to beg him, ask him, try my best to find out what exactly happened and why he would do such a low thing. I mean he himself proposed, we went through each and everything countless times. He decides to blame me for asking certain things that caused him to doubt that I would be able to handle the situation. I try to justify and convince him that I was merely asking for the heck of asking. Anyway, after calling it off, I go through depression and seek counseling, and he moves on. Four months later, when I am stable again, and moved on, this man comes back to find out how I am. I tell him what I went through and all, and again, he goes on about marrying me again. I tell him he's not capable of doing that since my dad and I all think that he's very jittery with his decisions. Anyway, making the story short, later this year 2017, we go back and forth with marriage, my mistake is that I need a man who was stable to support me, and every time he'd approach I would believe him. So this time when he asks finally after going back and forth with marriage, he proposes again saying that he will not change his mind, and he's 100% sure he is able to marry and things will work out. So he talks to my parents again, meet them again, and then he lets me choose the date. two months after that, we finally get married.
After few months into marrying him, throughout my time, I started to realise that second marriage in secret is all about keeping the first wife and her kids happy. Whether you want to or not, that's not the question, but for some reason, the background I came from, I always prioritize others first, put others first, their happiness came first. And I always enjoyed doing that. My husband, who was keeping this such a huge secret now, would feel guilty. But one thing I noticed, giving equal time, giving exact amount to spend, making sure if there was anything that was missing for my side, he would be so upset about it and would made sure to provide. Same went for his first family, he would make sure that apart from the secret, he is fulfilling all other rights. But from time to time, he would just sit quietly and feel guilty. But all this time, he taught me nothing evil, done no evil to me, taught only to fix my relation with Allah. Then comes the time to have a baby...
A man, who claims that he loves both his wives so much, he adores both of them. His heart sinks when he thinks that either of us will leave. He hates the word divorce. He hates fights and argues. He feels sad that he has to keep this a secret. He makes sure he does as much as he can to be just, fair and polite to both of his families, first and second...
As soon as I give him the news about my very first pregnancy, I get the most shocking response possible...being a first time mother, expecting for the first time at an age that some would say that you might start having problems having kids. Coming from such underprivileged family, struggled all my life, thought our marriage was going just fine, peaceful, and finally had someone who could take care of me...despite compromising a lot, I was more than happy and okay. All I ever wanted to hear from him after telling him about my very first pregnancy, that Alhamdulillah, what a blessing and a joy coming to this world, but instead, he tells me this baby will cause a divorce between him and his first wife. While this was happening, we find out that his first wife started figuring out that something was going on. She starts to take charge and she's also pregnant currently. So to keep everything hush and make truce, He tells me, we cannot keep this baby because the first wife will find out and we'll have to get rid of it. Again, just like always, prioritizing the first family, I fight and yell and scream to him that this is wrong, and I so badly want to become a mother, I do decide to go with his wishes, and get rid of the pregnancy. Days later, he comes and gives me my first divorce.
I know majority of women here will insult me and say I deserve it. But some of us second wives are from such struggling backgrounds and the man who approach at times, they are really into doing the right thing and fear Allah. Sadly, first wives still refuse to give permission. Here I am sitting in front of computer typing this while receving my first divorce, while him and his family are sleeping peacefully. I have gone through yet another tragedy and struggle, so much pain back to back, only to receive nothing in return. I have no idea how to express to anyone, or get help. How to ask the wife to accept me solely and genuinely for the sake of Allah. All I do is make dua all night long, and pray that I've never in my life done wrong to anyone, never hurted anyone, never wronged anyone, never causes any trouble for my parents or families. Now, I've just added to the pain and struggles my parents are already going through. And this man....he says, he loves me. Just because of first wife's refusal, here I am all shattered, broken, destroyed, violated and exploited. I still pray that the first family stay protected, happy, and full of joy.
Sister "Random," I'm sorry for your pain and loss. But you knowingly entered into a relationship based on lies, while fooling yourself all along that it was somehow Islamic and good. You cannot be surprised when the maintenance of the lie becomes the most important thing.
The Prophet (sws) married more than one woman but everything was open and known. The wives knew each other, and he spent equal time with each. There was no secrecy and lying.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister "Random": One thing I have learned is that when someone does something sinful that they regret, they know it. They suffer for it. They are miserable. And for years they may suffer even more because they really do not know that Allah has forgiven them no matter what taubah they perform. Therefore, I will skip a lecture telling you that you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Just continue making taubah and asking Allah to guide and protect you. Keep company with respectable, hard working women.
You are a young woman who was in a very bad relationship. You made some very poor decisions. We all have them. Keep in mind that the man involved has incurred a greater sin. He has the greater responsibility in the bad circumstances you find yourself in.
Ask our Creator, Allah, to protect you from future sin, pain and sorrow and to keep you on the straight path. Count your blessings, that you have learned a terrible lesson never to get involved with a man secretly, realize that somehow you can move on alone even if it means working two jobs and staying with a friend until you get back on your feet. Keep your head up. Focus on your future.
Stay far away from the man you married while in iddat. Avoid any conflicts or fitnah because there is a good chance some issues will show up unexpectedly. Most importantly, do not believe a single word your divorcing husband says to you. You are in this bad situation because of his lies. Keep a record of your documentation of this entire nightmare from beginning to end. If you think he will follow through, request some kind of support from him for at least three months or even more after he divorces you. While you may be hurt emotionally, there is no reason for you to be left destitute or homeless.
It might also be a good idea to limit your conversations about your situation. As I stated, focus on your future, getting a job or staying employed, forming relationships with decent people and being grateful this person will soon be out of your life. He is not worth the air he breathes.
SubhanAllah. La hawla wa la quwwata illa billa. SubhanAllah.
I'm really sad and upset upon reading your post, Sis 'Random'. May Allah grant you Sabur and Ajar' after this.
I think it's quite clear that you are embarrassed, upset and know that you have made some silly decisions: so there is absolutely no point of us reminding you and encouraging you to fall into an abyss of despair.
May Allah guide you and help you.
..
No, I don't think the reason for the 'secret' was to protect the first wife and kids. It was to hide and conceal the man's sleazy behaviour. What a disgusting man. Why did he get all panicky when you became pregnant?
He made you believe that he was doing a selfless act. He made you believe that he was "looking after" his first family and that he was "helping" you out by marrying you (using the statistics he provided).
The only person he was helping was himself.
I feel that he used and abused you- and that was really not fair. This is why, my Sister, it is important to educate ourselves in our rights and responsibilities before entering marriage! I know, I know, this hurts. You're feeling a lot of pain and hurt, and it won't really help you if we tell you what you 'should have done'.
But it's important to know so that you don't make the same mistake again.
He's given you divorce. It's hard, it's tough. But take it with a pinch of salt and believe that there is something better around the corner. Maybe there is someone better for you, someone who will not hide you like a little secret And give you your full rights that you deserve. Don't go back to him. Break all communication with him. And pray to Allah.
He say seem practising and religious- but like Wael mentioned - he did not follow the Sunnah as it should have been.
It really irritates me when people use the Sunnah wrongly to justify their obsurd actions - yet they commit acts completely against the Sunnah! SubhanAllah.
Lying is a big sin and against the Sunnah. When he was spending time with you, what was he telling his other wife??? Lies.
...
What really breaks my heart reading your post is that I was in the same situation. Completely the same. The man -with wife and kids- approached me and for marriage...but I said no. Because of many reasons - mainly because of Allah, my Rasoolullah, my parents and my own morals. I loved him a lot- my day and night used to start and end with him. But I said no. To save myself from all this heartache, which you're experiencing now.
I was feeling a lot of heartache by saying no to him, but probably not as much as I would have felt if I had gone through with everything behind his wife's back.
Sometimes, I think that what would have happened if I accepted? And your post has given me the answer.
May Allah help you in this stressful time.
You can either move on.
Or tell his first wife...if you have the courage to. If you're not yet fully divorced, you can approach the first wife. She does have a right to know especially as he was married to you. She should know what her husband is capable of. And the niyyah is not malicious or to hurt him. Do it with the intention to avoid any other poor girl getting hurt or conned and facing the turmoil you are going through. Do it with the intention to help the first wife and make her aware.
All the best
X
Salam o alaykum again,
I respect all criticism, all responses, anything anyone has to say. I do not mind it. I know I was wrong as well. But please realise that this man IS capable of taking care even up to 4 wives, financially. He IS religious, despite this blunder that he's done, extremely well-respected all around community, among friends, people, families, etc. I have witnessed it, know it. This man is not a fraud, and that's the hardest thing to swallow that, then why me? People around here, in this city, in different mosques, all love this man so much for who he is. He's overall extremely humble, despite being extremely wealthy. Two of his kids are memorizing Qur'an. Also, one thing I forgot to mention that the sad part was/is which I would that Scholars must speak about this issue in public, thoroughly. Right rulings of Practicing Polygamy in detail. Before entering into this marriage, our concept of knowing however much we knew about polygamy was that one doesn't need first wife's consent or doesn't need to inform her at the time of the marriage. And then gradually, he could convince her. Also, every scholar, every hadith, or a person we went to apart from what my husband, me and my father knew, they all said, it comes under best manners to inform your wife, but it is not obligatory to tell your first wife. But still try your best to ask her permission, try to tell her, however, if she refuses, to marry another woman, you do not need her consent or tell her to marry. This was our understanding at the time of our Nikah. So overall, our Nikah was/is valid. It was performed the Sunnah way.
This keeping a secret was first for him and me and for my family. And he was scared all along, there is no doubt about. This man is mentally weak for sure. He doesn't know how to stand up for both sides, because all along, he is "trying to save his kids." Which I have reminded me countless times that they existed all along. It is better for him to hush me up and leave me than to go through the storm, since the wife claims that she will split up the kids and ask for divorce. He does not want that. He doesn't want to split up the kids, because of the way he wants to raise them, making them "scholars of deen." Yes, I know you all are also thinking the same as I all along thought through. My loss of pregnancy for his family, me being someone's daughter, nothing is as important right now in front of his kids.
However, as soon as this pregnancy came up, and at the same time his wife sensing things, as he got scared and wanted me to get abortion, he meets another Scholar who was also a friend/someone who has been a part of his family all along to teach them, etc. He finds out that my husband has married another woman in secret. And this scholar feels really sad, and not only he asks the scholar about abortion being valid, Islamically, but also we found out that even though the Nikah was done properly, even though the first wife does not need to know "AT the time of the Nikah" or doesn't need her consent to marry, it is a major sin to hide and to lie about the relation, about the time being divided, about the money that's being divided, etc. If he or I knew all this beforehand, not only me, even he wouldn't have entered into this marriage. Because he took 3 years to figure out if he really wanted to do this behind his wife's back. And if he did, is it even allowed where we are not having the wrath of Allah. But then again, you see, our knowledge of deen, even his was very limited as this was his very first time doing such a thing. And for me or for my parents, I have never seen/witnessed anyone doing such a thing before. I didn't even know that such marriages existed.
Trust me, I am not trying to defend this man, he's done wrong, he asks me daily for forgiveness for wronging me. But I do not want to make it seem like he is the worst person alive, he has also done many things right for me, and one is that in this entire time, I have come closer to Allah. He tries to stay away from me now because his wife refused yet again, and he knows now that it's a sin without her knowing to continue this marriage. The amount of misery, pain he has brought into my life without even really asking for, I am unable to express in words, but he continuously asks for forgiveness and says that he's forced to divorce me. This part hurts me the most that why is he unable to go through the storm, why is he unable to take a stand for me, why is he not realising that I am also someone's daughter. My parents are also hurt just like how he thinks his kids will go through struggles and he will be so hurt watching them. Why is he not realising all that for me. My entire life has been upside down. I've spent last days of my Ramadan at a mosque just to get peace. I really don't know why being so God Conscious in everything else, why did he do this to me. This is not how his dealing is with other people. He continuously says that after knowing the sins, he is forced to divorce me, not that he wants to divorce me. And many other things...like how he is answerable to Allah on the judgement day no matter what unless I some day forgive him for what he's done to me. Losing the baby, losing my marriage, etc. So sad and heartbreaking that it is better to divorce me than to speak up for me to let it slide in secret.
So after a month of going through simply no help, no support from his side of the witnesses at my Nikah, or even the scholar, I, yesterday after typing here, decided to contact his mother, and have told the entire timeline of my story from day one till the first divorce. I was extremely scared first, and thought, this marriage was in secret, and this secret will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I cannot share with anyone. But alhamdulillah, after making dua, and with the right intention, when I called, his mother was extremely polite. And it was appalling to me how she so courageously listened to me for almost 2 hours, each and everything I had to say, and she admitted all the pain that I went through and going through, the agony, the unfairness, torture for these years - him going back and forth, I went through because of his son. She without a doubt acknowledged all of it and was so sad to hear that her son did all of it.
My first divorce just started few days ago, I have two more divorces to go. And since it is preferred by Allah swt to stay at your husband's place and let him manage maintenance, and he also really wanted to, I am here living in the same city where I was living after marriage. I don't want revenge, I don't want sympathy, I wanted her mother to know that his son has with full understanding, being a father to several kids, being a very experience man, being religious, has married me to keep me for the rest of his life. But unfortunately, where the hurdle came, he without even asking my father, or giving any option, he simply asked to lose my pregnancy and then divorce me. No questions asked, didn't even listen to my father. Only gave the news. He has wronged me, which he admits. And I am amazed to say that the mother listened all of it so patiently, she even believed to each and every word I said, and acknowledge throughout our conversation, and then told me to continue to make dua, and since my husband is visiting Pakistan in few days, she has told me to wait till then as she told me that this isn't a joke, and a very serious issue which needs to be resolved and for that she needs to sit down with him, to talk to him in person and listen to his side of the story, and then she will contact back my father, and will contact me.
She is also a social working person who helps women, so she's told me that mostly, when such marriages occur, I tell couples to reconcile, if you marry, then you keep up with it, not add more to the misery and just divorce. But I don't know what the outcome will be. I just no longer want to be the victim, I just no longer want to be the Mother Teresa in my life. I want to stand up for myself for the right reasons. My intentions, my reasons to marry were never evil, and Allah knows that. Allah is my witness for this entire case that never have I ever did it for wrong reasons. My reason all along was to finally have someone who was capable of supporting and being with the person who was going to bring me closer to Allah. So despite all the issues, all the compromises, I always reminded myself that at least I was getting this opportunity, which without a doubt, I did. My husband always reminded me of this as well, and I always thought the same that in return, I definitely came a lot closer to Allah, I transformed a lot from being not practicing to practicing muslimah.
His wrong cannot be undone, and I despite all the tragedy, cannot forgive him fulyl for taking away my pregnancy, and now almost close to going back home as if I am a toy. And for this, I have decided that if his mother will not be able to help me. I will go to his wife. Not to give her misery, or to hurt her, nope, I am not that kind of a person, and Allah knows best. But to go to her with the best intention, by fearing Allah, with the hope that she may realise that I am not a competition, I am not even an above average person, and I am not someone that her husband married out of lust. But genuinely due to right reasons but unfortunately doing it the wrong way, miscalculated, not following the proper Sunnah. Of course again, wrong is wrong, but if she is willing to listen, willing to realise, only for the sake of Allah, and to see the right, then she may be able to accept me and ask the husband to not divorce me at this point. If not, I will at least know that I tried, as much as I could, to ask for Allah's forgiveness, ask for her wife's forgiveness in person, and will request as much as I can to make her realise that just like her, just like our husbands' daughters, I am also someone's daughter, and if I wasn't married, I would've given up, but now that I am, just to save my marriage too, I will go to her.
May Allah never put any daughter, any sister, any mother in such a situation, but if they do end up in this, may Allah pour mercy upon them, forgive them and resolve issue in a better way. My parents, my siblings and I, we genuinely have never been the source of evil, unhappiness, or wrongdoing for anyone that I could ever think of in our lives. We have always put others first, we are such that even someone does wrong to my father, he always been the most patient man that I have ever known, he'd still advise to stay patient and would just brush it off. But I on the other hand, decided that I am 33, and I will with the help of Allah, knowing that He knows I didn't take this decision to do wrong, or to do mischief, I will speak up and try to save this marriage. But I now refuse to be the victim in silence. Rest is in Allah's hands.
I have learned a lot from this process, there is no doubt. But it really hurts me a lot and if nothing gets resolved, I will just simply continue to stay lost in one thing, and that is, why is it that I have always been the victim in life. Throughout my life, majority of the time, be it relatives, be it friends, even very close friends, acquaintances, and now my husband, I've been taken advantage of, I have been hurt, why? Because despite not being that practicing in the past, and now that I am, I somehow, always feared Allah. I always knew that right needs to be done no matter what. Whether someone knows or not, Allah is always watching, and All-Knower, I cannot do wrong to others. Instead. I always put others first before me, I always became the helping hand, I always gave the best possible help knowing that if you love Allah's creation, He'll love you just as much and even more.
Even this marriage, after knowing about Polygamy, or always knowing any law of Allah, the proper Sunnah, each and everything I have learned or learning, my intention has always been to apply it 100%. My intention has been to accept whatever Allah has made permissible. I never question it, or find reasons to deny it just because it makes me uncomfortable to apply. Be it from not wearing hijab to now covering myself from top to bottom in Abaya, be it from beautifying myself by threading and altering my eyebrows or face to now keeping it the way they should be. Be it that if a man is allowed to marry more than one, and if his reasons resonate with what Allah really made this permissible for, and he is capable of doing so, I don't disagree with it. I don't doubt any of what Allah has made permissible. Even in doing this all, I lose duniya and materialism, it doesn't bother me. The more I transformed, the peaceful it started to get. Even when it came to my husband, pleasing him for the sake of Allah by what he would tell, or even to see if i could be the source to keep his first family happy, I even did that thinking Allah has a reward for this, to stay patient, to accept, and to wait that one day, In shaa'Allah, she will accept me. Just like Allah has reward for those wives who accept husband's second marriage...and so on.
But it's just mind boggling that a human being is a human being. He/she could deceive, cheat, break his promises, changes his mind, no matter how you are to them. Some of us' selfishness is endless.
So why me? I never abuse or taken advantage, or even ask for my proper rights. I don't even give anyone, not even my husband hard time or ask for anything forcefully. Whatever's been given, it's more than sufficient. This is how I have always been, this is how I have been raised. I know that a lot of struggles and compromises even from a very young age has transformed into the person I am. And also that somehow I always think that this duniya is of few years, nothing, absolutely nothing is mine. All of it is Amanah of Allah swt, and all of his Laws are sufficient,
This man has never brought up his wealth, his achievements and what he is. He always mentions that Allah could take this all away at any moment. If you meet him, you don't even realise if he is wealthy. He dislikes himself and his wives, parents, friends, kids to be consumed in this duniya. He's always reminded me of living for the sake of Allah only. So really, I will never be able to understand what exactly happened, and why me then that he didn't mind abusing, exploiting.
I really apologize for typing so much being anonymous but Allah knows how extremely painful it is to go through such a pain. There are days where I wonder will I even be able to withstand this and stay alive. I cannot bear it. Sleepless nights, no appetite, just a connection with Allah alone.
May Allah protect our sisters, daughters, mothers, ameen.
Random
Even If a pregnancy occurs due to adultery Islamic view is against abortion .Here in your case it was after valid nikah .
How can you agree for abortion ?
Your husband is hypocrite as he forced you this evil act of abortion.
He seems to be fearing wife more than Allah.
Yes don't be a victim .Expose him in front of his family .
That's the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life, bigger than accepting this marriage. Sad part is that I accepted it when he said that we cannot keep the baby if we want to keep it in secret. So in my mind, I was thinking, he will be in trouble, and his wife will find out until he tells her. Upon talking to the scholar, we found out that this could he done. Abortion in Islam is allowed by many scholars, even the strictest School of thought agree that within 120 days, one is allowed to abort the baby. As the Prophet pbuh has mentioned that the soul enters after 120 days. However, I disagree, pregnancy is a blessing of Allah no matter what anyone's situation is. If a mother's life is not in danger, and she's not dying or paralyzed where it's absolutely critical, this abortion must never be practiced. All of my events happened within matters of a week or two. My pregnancy announcement to his wife sensing things to him panicking and asking me to hurry up abort. I later on found out that this is something where you are not accountable for not listening to your husband. A women has the right to keep the baby if she wants to, against her husband's will. But I wasn't even really given a choice, neither my parents or siblings knew so they could guide me or tell me. It was my very first pregnancy, sadly.
This is why I really pray and beg Allah swt. that may He NEVER put any sister in Islam or any daughter or any mother through this situation. It's horrifying and extremely painful by the time you realise, you still fail to understand what really happened. Compromises don't bring any happiness, but also, they mean nothing and of no value in certain situations. I still pay the price far more than my husband. May Allah guide him and guide all of us, and have His mercy upon us.
After his mother, I will definitely talk to his wife very politely. She doesn't know my side of the story. And I might take some other sister in Islam from a mosque, who could help her and I as well. I don't want to create trouble, but to find a solution instead. Allah knows best.
Please expose him. Or else he will prey on other vulnerable women over and over again.
WarGlaives, seriously I really want to and have a plan. Nobody knows the pain I am going through. I know all the sisters in Islam and first wives will insult and call me names, but Allah knows my intentions for this marriage. I've not mentioned about my story until I started typing here, I don't tell anyone because I really don't know if any woman/sister will even want to see me talking. But I realise that it's not really true. At Jummuah yesterday, I talked to a sister at the mosque, I was crying and she just asked if I were okay. And she was from a background where polygamy is practiced and she didn't mind at all to talk about my issue and gave me suggestions. To her, it was really hard to understand why the wife/that sister wouldn't allow polygamy even though it's permissible and my husband is capable. So she kept on saying Subhan Allah, what an interesting situation that the sister doesn't believe that the husband could be shared. And in there, she told me, why don't you go to the sister's house and take someone with you and talk to her and tell your story and all what you've gone through to save her relation.
It's been two nights, I have not slept at all, I don't even feel the need to, I am living all by myself while going through this all. My parents, my siblings they all live in a different state. My husband only msgs just to see if I am okay. Some days I ask him if now his wife and kids and they are all happy after I'm destroyed. He doesn't answer.
I really want to go to his wife, every day I make a plan that in few days, I will do it. But then I just start to fear Allah and feel that if my husband has done wrong to me, and he even admits it, should I take such a revenge from him as well, what if the sister will not be able to bear the pain, what if she'll end up damaging her life after this, what will happen to the kids. May be my husband is really scared and really forced to take this decision. I really don't know. And I don't even know what really to do. May be if I don't hear anything by mid July, I will have to take a step for my life. Just don't want to hurt anyone, give anyone any pain. I am already suffering a lot, heartache, yearning for companionship that I am losing gradually, while the first family and my husband sleep peacefully. I don't know if I will have the courage to take their peace away.
I may just end up listening to my father that Allah has definitely given us the permission to retaliate and even take revenge. But the best of them are those who go beyond that and earn reward for not taking revenge and instead staying patient.
Just very confused and lost.
Give me suggestion, what do you all whoever reads think? Should I really go to his wife without asking him? And if so, what's the best way to approach her where she realises that my intention is never to hurt her? Please suggest
Polygamy can only function properly if all three or more parties (husband and wive(s)) are WILLING to enter into it, and the second, third or fourth marriage is announced publicly. If one party isn't willing (for whatever reason), then the polygamous marriage becomes extremely difficult for everyone and full of pain.
Your husband deceived his first wife because he didn't even tell her. He wanted to keep you as a secret 'halal' side-chick. It's extremely unfair to both.
I think it's okay if you want to approach the first wife and talk to her. But be warned, she will probably not receive you openly or warmly. But the damage has ALREADY been done by your husband, and HE is the cause of the pain you and the first wife are feeling.
This is my personal opinion, but I don't think you should pursue a future with him anymore. I also believe his second marriage to you and whatever happened afterwards should be made public (as it should have been made public in the first place). I don't consider this as 'revenge' at all.
You are NOT destroyed. You went through some trials caused by some bad decisions, but you can overcome it, InshaAllah. Being single and lonely is no doubt tough, but it will much tougher and more painful if you keep longing for a man who is already married (with a first wife who was deceived and was probably not okay with polygamy).
May Allah heal all your pain, bless you with content and happiness and give you the strength to get past this, Ameen ya Rab.
Only if I was allowed to. My anger in this all, retaliating and asking him again again to find out a way to take me back. Yesterday, I happened to speak to his friend and in anger, I mentioned that if you guys won't do anything then I might have to take a step and do something. He mentioned this to my husband, and now I'm left with no respect at all. He simply wants to get rid of me as soon as possible, he says that I took care of you for the time when you were my wife, with the best possible provision and care, and this is what you'll do at the end to me. He told me he hates people who threaten others. He doesn't want me to be anywhere close to him or talk to him. He simply is done with me and it's over. He goes if there was even a slight chance for us to reconcile, now I will never trust you to honor you with that. Please leave as soon as possible and do whatever you want to do to take a revenge. So I am really scared now as I have spoken to his mother without telling him. He goes on to say that thank God that I found out about your acts and the way you are way ahead of time, early on, otherwise, I would've died and been destroyed. I tried to justify that I wasn't really going to do anything, but how wives or women in anger blurt out stuff just so the husband give in or try to find a way. But seems like now, his pain that I have just apparently given him by "threatening" him is far more than anything. He is ashamed that I was his wife, he is extremely upset and so ready to move on. I am extremely shocked. He says that I am extremely selfish, I just wanna make sure that somehow I get back with him. I am only thinking about myself. I am not thinking about his kids, his wife and him.
I really need to start going to counseling, may be I do need help. It's extremely brutal that just thru words, he's simply changed and blamed all on me saying that I am making him suffer. Yes, from end of April till now, I have given him a very rough time because he's made me abort the baby, he's given me divorce without even sitting down with me or mentioning it beforehand or delaying it or listening to me. And he's given me hopes here and there to get back together, even during this time.
But just because now I said that I will end up doing something on my own, he's extremely threatened and continue to say, if his intention to marry me was wrong, then Allah will punish him. And if it wasn't wrong, then Allah will protect me.
All this sacrifice, this compromise to live under this secret marriage, for NOTHING.
I don't know what else he will say once he finds out that I have told his mother. Don't know anymore who's really selfish and who's really thinking about who.
"He simply wants to get rid of me as soon as possible, he says that I took care of you for the time when you were my wife, with the best possible provision and care, and this is what you'll do at the end to me."
SubhanAllah, your husband is not only a coward and an emotional manipulator!
"He goes on to say that thank God that I found out about your acts and the way you are way ahead of time, early on, otherwise, I would've died and been destroyed."
"He is ashamed that I was his wife, he is extremely upset and so ready to move on. I am extremely shocked. He says that I am extremely selfish, I just wanna make sure that somehow I get back with him. I am only thinking about myself. I am not thinking about his kids, his wife and him."
YOUR HUSBAND is the culprit, the liar, the coward and the cheater, and now he's putting the blame on you? SubhanAllah. Did he NOT think about his wife and kids when he married you in secret? He is using the excuse of his wife and kids being hurt if you expose the second marriage, in order to PROTECT HIMSELF.
"But just because now I said that I will end up doing something on my own, he's extremely threatened and continue to say, if his intention to marry me was wrong, then Allah will punish him. And if it wasn't wrong, then Allah will protect me."
His intention was wrong! He went against Islam and Sunnah! Ya Rab! My dear sister, you are emotionally inside of the box because of your feelings, but the rest if us can clearly see the monster of a man your husband is.
Here is my advice, sister please be strong for the sake of Allah and realize that your cowardly and emotionally manipulative husband is trying to deflect all HIS mistakes on you. Now he's trying to get rid of you because you are standing up for yourself and want to make it public. DO NOT believe the words he is saying about you! DO NOT let him make you feel guilty for his mistakes.
Let me tell you something very important. He is very scared. Basically he's trying to silence you with his emotional manipulation and by putting all the blame on you. Protecting his wife and kids is an excuse to save his sorry self. He is trying to make it look as if you are the evil one.
Be calm, be strong. Clear your mind and make lots of du'aa to Allah. Realize exactly what your husband is trying to do. Honestly, I believe you have the upper hand and more control in this situation, as along as you realize that you deserve someone way better than your husband, and YOU are the one who is 'dumping' him.
I still believe that you should inform his family, his parents and wife of exactly what had happened. But you have to be in a state of calm, and not all emotional while exposing the truth.
May Allah ease your pain and make everything easy for you, Ameen ya Rab
I have just decided to leave before Shaytan takes over and I end up doing something terrible. It is best to let go and just stay patient than to find ways to do any harm because if he has really intentionally wronged me, Allah will take care of that.
Sister, you are saying right, but for the sake of Allah, I am just trying to I guess leave this now. He is a weak person to handle two wives, especially when the first wife doesn't cooperate, then there is noway now to really do anything. There will be just damage everywhere, but in that case, no one will be saved in the marriage. So it is best to just suffer for a while than to continue fighting for something that started off wrong. It is also my mistake, I chose this.
Sister, I mentioned this early on that the reason we married in secret is because at the time of our Nikah, my husband, my father, and I, from our understanding and what we read in the hadiths, or what the scholars say is this: a man doesn't need first wife's consent and he doesn't need to inform her. However, it comes under best manners to tell her that I'm marrying another woman. However, if the wife refused, then the man..if he thinks that he's capable financially, emotionally, physically, religiously to support more than one wife, he can go ahead and marry. This was our understanding.
However, just few months ago, we found out that this isn't the case. It is first wife's right to know about her husband's other marriage as it comes under a bad character, "lying" to the first wife, and it's a sin being committed on daily basis for reasons as follows:
1) Time spent without the knowledge of the first wife
2) Division in the wealth/spendings
3) Relation with another wife
Along with that, if the first wife is unaware then the second is unable to spend nights with the husband. Even if she foregoes her nights for the time she's unable to have, it's still a sin on the husband, because it is Allah's commandment, must be given to the wives. There is no changing in this or foregoing especially if the wife is young.
My divorce isn't just happening because he doesn't want to keep me. It is because now that he knows that it's a sin to keep me without the permission of the first wife. First wife will never agree no matter what. She wants divorce and he doesn't want to divorce because he has several kids. After divorce we all know mostly, statistically, kids end up being raised in a very dysfunctional ways. And he doesn't want to do that.
So instead of destroying one big family (the first one), he decided to ask me to abort the baby and take divorce since it will be one person suffering. It's a very harsh reality, but this is what it is. He's told me he will not keep me now as it will make us both continue sinning now that we know know it's wrong without the permission of first wife.
It looks like he's the evil soul in all this, and he is the one who's done wrong but I am sorry but this is also the fault of first wives. A man is capable, he has all the means. He is giving each and everything and if he does want to marry for the right reasons, why is he forced by our muslim sisters to stay in monogamous relationships.
Allah created women, He knows what we women can handle and what we cannot. If Allah created us, then He also created our emotions and feelings. And He is also the one who made Polygyny permissible. He knew that women could handle it, only if they are not looking at it for worldly gains but for the sake of Allah. Our sisters start to panic over husband being shared is a sad factor, which shows how badly we're consumed and attached to this duniya. We believe that since I've spent a certain amount of time with this man, I'm entitled to everything. He should never be shared. But we don't realise that everything Allah has given is amanah of Allah swt, even that husband or children! The day we'll fully, consciously understand this, it will start to become easy to accept husbands' having more than one sister.
Allah made this law to protect us women, to have a companion and a care taker, knowing that as time is passing by, women will always be outnumbering men. And this is a fact. There are countless sisters who have passed their ages of marriage and are still home. Single, divorced and widows and many more. Then I even heard a claim from one sister from a particular culture, that why do I have to be the one to accept this law? Why not some other woman? This is also irrelevant. Why not every muslim sister whose husband is capable of handling multiple wives? Why not?
I know I've been talking about all the unfairness, which of course, is there. It has happened to me. But my husband never treated first family or I badly. Beside not informing the wife, he was giving them each and everything. Beside keeping me in secret and not giving nights,, he was giving me everything even he was making up for nights by coming over during the day, every single day.
My point is, he was also forced to go behind wife's back to marry again. If he was asking permission openly and his first wife and I very well know he has all the means to marry more than one woman, then why not let him do it than to do wrong? He wouldn't have done it in secret if she was cooperative. I have failed to understand this as well. If the sister was willing, this all wouldn't have even happen at the first place. He had to do wrong to me now by asking me abort the baby and divorve me because on the other hand, sister wants divorce. So if you realise, there is no doubt I've been wronged, but look at his overall behavior, character and ways to treat both families over the year (s). None of them were wrong, sister. That's why I cannot just say he's the worst person alive. I will be accountable for bashing him wrongly. Because Allah knows where he went wrong and why? And Allah also knows what my husband did right. So I can be angry all I want for the wrong that has been done, but at the same time, there are good qualities that I cannot deny either.
Our sisters also need to be open about accepting the laws of Allah. If we sisters think that we're not the kind of women who could share our husbands, then I am sorry that's also wrong, and it's solely based on worldly gain. If we were to consider it for the sake of Allah alone, Allah will surely help us to deal with polygyny and stay patient. Why women from certain cultures have no problem with their husbands' having more than wife? It's not because those women are not jealous of each other, of course they are, but because it's only for the sake of Allah. Because you realise that Allah's laws are sufficient. And if my husband really wants to marry another woman, then it is between my husband and Allah on the day of judgement for his treatment to his all wives and kids.
Again if the wife was supportive in this, there would've been two families under a same man who could definitely support, take care, be a companion and grow families and help all of us get into deen even more. But sadly, ...
It's best just to. I have a hard time accepting this divorce because the man's overall treatment, dealing with everyone around him was amazing. And Allah is the witness. May be some day, his wife will allow him...or may be this issue will continue on.. Wallahu aalam.
May Allah guide us all on the right path and make us be content with His laws, for His sake, and not for this duniya, ameen Ya Rabb
May Allah forgive me and all of us and have His mercy upon us all, ameen Ya Rabb
I'm sorry but I humbly disagree with you. Some women can't accept their husbands being married again and you can't invalidate their feelings. The first wife even has a right to divorce her husband. If the first wife is NOT willing to enter into a polygamous marriage, then how could it possibly function in a healthy, happy and peaceful way?
There are plenty of single men out there. My advice is to stay away from married men.
Sorry sister, but I disagree with you as well. I've known enough women around within my circle, and every single one of them says what you're saying.
But I'd say it again, it Allah has made something lawful, and a man is by all means capable and asking the wife out in the open, it is her right. But of course, why would he be granted that, he'll be emotionally blackmailed bringing in years spent, kids together, and especially issue with sharing. Whether a woman likes it or not, Allah has made it permissible, and it's better to have a husband get married out in the open than go behind wife's back and indulge in the wrongdoing. Women have no issue with them doing things behind their backs, but have an issue with something lawful.
And sorry, but this advice of staying away from married men, you should actually ask this from married men. They should be the one answering. Because again, some are not only capable, they're extremely interested in marrying, and if polygyny is practiced the right way, where first wives are cooperative, there will be less fitnah, and more benefits as there supposed to be.
Monogamous relationships - sorry sister but that's what western culture and some southeast asian culture teach their women. It's got less to do with religion and more to do with the culture where all women have same mindset, that it's a threat to have another woman.
And I think you don't really know that women outnumber men, and they continue to grow even further apart in population by the end time. Hadith mentions that women not only will be more in Hell but also will be more in heaven compared to men, for same reason that i am mentioning. Every man in Jannah will have 2 wives.
Anyway, it's not always one partner doing the crime, got to be both.
May Allah give us patience, tolerance and help us understand hikmah behind His laws fully and sincerely, ameen
She has the right to divorce her husband for this reason, but this isn't even a valid reason to divorce. Asking a divorce from a your husband who's taking care of you in all ways possible and God fearing but wants to marry another woman? That's saying that I am not happy with the decree of Allah and I don't even accept Allah's law to go through it. Sister, life isn't supposed to be comfortable and practicing this isn't comfortable either, it's a test by Allah swt, and there is a greater reward for it similar to a man going on Jihad. If we solely and sincerely decide to cooperate ONLY for the sake of Allah, do you not believe that Allah will give you patience and whatever you need to make things work in a polygamous relationship? Is that how weak our faith is that we are on our own now that something is making us uncomfortable? Allah won't protect us and help us work things out? Just because nafs isn't liking it? Choice is always person's, either choose the one nafs likes or the one that Allah might put way more baraqah in and rewards us far more than denying what Allah has made permissible and we continue to deny that. Sometimes, Allah takes away our relationships that we so arrogantly abuse because we are unwilling to realise these things.
I wouldn't have been suffering if part of a reason wasn't my husband's wife unwilling to share her husband, but also because she threatens by bringing in the kids to mess up their upbringing. Way to refuse someone in this way because of course, that's what Islam teaches us....a man who could probably have even 4 wives and could provide them and take care of them by the Will of Allah...and that same sister who's refusing might have been loved even more by Allah swt for doing it for the sake of Allah. But nope.
But again, this all is for those men only who are capable.
You want to go after married men, hurt the first wives and possibly break apart families, that is your choice. I myself have been approached by a couple of married men, but I immediately refused, Alhamdulillah. In a bizarre turn of events, I had conversed with both the wives and you can't possibly imagine the pain they had felt, and their gratefulness that I had refused their husbands.
"Like most sexual species, the sex ratio in humans is approximately 1:1. Due to higher female fetal mortality, the sex ratio at birth worldwide is commonly thought to be 107 boys to 100 girls, although this value is subject to debate in the scientific community. The sex ratio for the entire world population is 101 males to 100 females. Depending upon which definition is used, between 0.1% and 1.7% of live births are intersex."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_sex_ratio
Women do not outnumber men in today's world. I know so many men out there who are single and are unable to find a single wife.
Subhan Allah sister, it took only 2-3 posts for a sister in Islam to fuel up on practicing polygyny, so I can really imagine now how true it is to hold accountable both husband and wife while failing to practice polygyny, and not just husband. When I was blaming my husband, his goodness was overlooked and ignored because he is not a human, so shouldn't dare to make any mistakes, but when i mentioned about what is also wrong in certain cultures and with women, it took no time for dear sister to start speaking against how i should stay away from it.
I'm sorry sister, but I wish Wikipedia could answer what Islam has mentioned about women outnumbering men. I am not here to argue just because I'm suffering. I am simply mentioning what's right based on talking to renowned scholars during this process. So I'm not simply giving my opinion. Jazakillahu khayran for letting me know your opinion and ignoring what Allah has made permissible and the wrong side of the society. This will still not change the things that are wrong in our societies and women's population higher than men. Anyway, to each their own. Marrying a married man is a sin, according to you, the way you continuously mentioned. But it's acceptable and permissible by Allah swt provided that a man is by all means capable of practicing it. So if you find that wrong that people practice that and are okay with it, I can't do much but to stop defending it. Only Allah can help us understand.
But defending the wrong that is going on, I refuse to pretend and agree with that based solely on this worldly life. Again, it may be an opinion of mine, but sorry to say that the scholars say exactly the same, what I am saying. And I wouldn't have found all this if I hadn't gone through a problem of my own and went to people of knowledge. In fact, after speaking with few renowned scholars, that's what I realised how wrong and unfair first wives are because when you speak to someone with deen, it infuriated them for the fact that women without a reason forcefully refuse their husbands to practice that is something legal by Allah. And that's what's wrong in this society. It could make sense if a person is irresponsible and unable to take care and already have a bad character, but despite having all means, despite being a good human being, son, husband and a father, he is STILL refused.
If this religion and life was based on emotions, then Allah would've surely, without a doubt, would've given the major rights to women to handle and decide. But there is a reason and there is hikmah behind men being the primary households. And the world would have been suffering because of these emotions, fluctuating up and down based on estrogen and progesterone...just like many other things we refuse when our lives start to become bit uncomfortable.
It's really sad to speak up about this issue with sisters and hear such things while knowing that this practice was to take care of sisters in Islam, but reality is that the sisters themselves aren't ready to take care of other sisters. In fact, we're better of suggesting others to not only stay away from it, but also say that why it has to be me to share my husband, why not other women practice that. But this same issue, when discussed at the masjid with women who are religious, they find nothing wrong in practicing, and never say that it's only certain women who could have the courage to practice. Because Allah would've definitely mentioned this in the Quran o Hadith, otherwise. Continue to hand this on to others, because why should we do it. And on the other hand, it's the man, who's the one practicing and wants to take care of women. I'm not saying all men are doing it for the right reasons and not abusing this. Problem is on both ends, there are men who are abusing this law, just like there are women who are refusing its practice unfairly.
I've spoken enough with scholars to find out what I, my husband and first wife did wrong. I made a decision to compromise with the person who doesn't have a backbone to stand up for his second wife because of his first wife who continuously refuses by threatening with kids. If in this, you have a hard time accepting first wife's fault, and only see that she's being tortured and unfair is being done to her, then, there is no point of me speaking again here.
May Allah guides us and help us understand our deen only for the sake of Allah because after few years of this life, we're going back to Him, to answer Him. And may Allah help us understand Hikmah behind every law, everything that He's made permissible for His sake, and protect us from being part of fitnah and be a part of encouraging any fitnah, ameen
Salam o alaykum wrwb
"I am not here to argue just because I'm suffering."
That is exactly what you are doing. All I see is that you are emotionally inside of the box and can't get over the pain of what has happened. You don't realize that the first wife may be in just as much pain as yourself, if not more. If she WAS willing to be in a polygamous marriage, then perhaps it could have all worked out. You keep on blaming her, but honestly I see the other two parties being the culprit.
While Allah has definitely allowed polygamy, I don't think it should be forced on the first wife unless she is completely willing.
Anyhow, good luck. I have nothing else to say. May Allah help your situation and grant you happiness, Ameen ya Rab.
Salam Random,
What you went through is primarily because your husband kept your marriage a secret. This is against the Quran here:
https://legacy.quran.com/4/25
And whoever among you cannot [find] the means to marry free, believing women, then [he may marry] from those whom your right hands possess of believing slave girls. And Allah is most knowing about your faith. You [believers] are of one another. So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation according to what is acceptable. [They should be] chaste, neither [of] those who commit unlawful intercourse randomly nor those who take [secret] lovers. But once they are sheltered in marriage, if they should commit adultery, then for them is half the punishment for free [unmarried] women. This [allowance] is for him among you who fears sin, but to be patient is better for you. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
He shouldn't have asked you or your father to keep the marriage secret. The result of this secret is the threat of divorce and him divorcing you to keep custody of his kids. If he didn't keep it a secret then the threat of divorce would've have happened through his first wife and that would be the end of it.
Sorry but its NOT HIS RIGHT AND SHE DOSENT have to accept it. No. He lied to her thats haram. He done it behind her back haram. Hes been cheating haram. He has no respect for his woman or kids hes destroyed his family hes torn apart what damily should be haram. He has broken her heart and made her believe thats shes the only one. Hes made her give birth to 3 children mashallah and probably having a good time with the second wife whilst shes at home cooking cleaning and taking care of them haram. Hes some prick that has to be taught a lesson to be fair and equal hes not fair and hes not equal so no matter who ever tells her its his right to marry someone eles that is wrong we shoulsnt give liers and cheaters the upper hand of hes allowed to marry 4 wives. Hell no . Real men stick to there wives and family and promises. Not go out there looking for more. I mean if his wife died or cant have kids.. or shes awful at what she does then ok... but he hid this from her he wanted best of both worlds and no hunny dont give it to him u can provide for youself and if he likes it OR NOT he needs to provide for his kids so move on and dont give this guy another minute of your life give it to your kids.
So long as he does not mistreat you,keep moving on
Asalam alaikum,
I am a muslim revert who married a man 4 years ago. He always used to tell me that Allah answered his dua to meet and be able to marry a woman like me. He has been my best friend and support all along. A year ago things started slowly changing. He started smoking again (which he stopped when he met me since I made it clear I did not like it), he deleted his social media and in general was acting different and giving me less attention. When I asked, he would say that he is going through a stressful time and he is sorry, he will try harder.
A few months ago he started mentioning the idea of marrying a second wife one day, and initially when it was done in a joking way, I would reply that he can have as many as he like, but I won't be one of them. As his conversations became more serious, I told him that I would just appreciate him talking to me before and respecting the responsibility of having my heart and my future as his.
3 weeks ago, I started forwarding him some videos of things to consider. For example how much he will have to plan out his life (he is someone who doesn't even like planning what he will do tomorrow, very spontaneous), or that he will have a financial strain (he can hardly support me as it is, I basically support myself) and how I do not feel it is fair to give children an absent father, as we live in a society where it is hard enough as it is to spend quality family time together. At some point he snapped and told me that actually he has been married already without my knowledge for a year.
She is a non-muslim who he also lied to and did not tell he has a first wife. She found out by seeing our pictures together on my social media. According to him, she has been fighting with him about it ever since she found out and hates me. Since I found out she has been actively trying to provoke me through her social media, to the point where I stopped using mine. From my side, I can honestly say that I feel only empathy towards her, as she was deceived as well 🙁
As anyone can imagine, this has not been an easy time. I initially stopped eating and was throwing up constantly. BUT, alhamdullilah I started seeking more and more guidance from Allah and the reason I wanted to share my story is because since I have done that, I have become closer to Allah than ever before, I feel stronger than ever before, my sense of self-worth and self-respect is higher than ever before. I feel so blessed. Its like Allah is opening my eyes every day more and more to what I deserve. And what each and everyone reading this deserves. To be loved, respected and valued.
A marriage is a partnership and an agreement to discuss all important life decisions that influences your future, marriage and family together. Communication is so important. It is not fair for someone to decide on your behalf something that influences your life so deeply.
It angers me that people say that polygamy is a test only for the women, maybe, but what if polygamy is also sometimes a test of how grateful a man is for what Allah has blessed him with already or a test of his character and faith in how he chooses to handle the situation? (If he had handled it differently, with respect, compassion and halal, I would have respected him too much not to have patience and support him)
And it angers me that people assume that the wife will only grow closer to Allah by staying, what if he and the situation causes distraction from Allah and a divorce would make Allah her only focus and trust?
I am not ashamed to say that I am asking my husband for a divorce. I am not abandoning our marriage, he abandoned it when he chose to destroy the trust it was built on. I deserve to be respected, valued and appreciated. I deserve a man I trust and feel safe with. AND SO DO YOU.
Yes I am sad and yes I am scared, but Allah is making each day easier and all I can hope for with all my heart is that the other woman is strong enough and secure enough in herself to also know she deserves better and that Allah guides my husband back to the right path and forgives his sins.
May we all be reminded that Allah is important, not the fears and trials of this dunya and may we all be granted jinnah. InshAllah.
As-salamu alaikum Sister. Probably you are not aware, Allah, The Most High, The Most Wise has made adultery Haram and Plural Marrige Halal for the Muslim men. So your husband has did the right thing by marrying another women and not taking her as a secret lover. May Allah guide you and bless you with wisdom and patience.
Salam Ahmed,
Her husband didn't do the right thing at all. He is supposed to announce his marriage and not take a secret lover, he didn't tell his first wife the situation for over a year. That is taking a secret lover. What kind of marriage is it when the people closest to him are unaware of it? He didn't tell his second wife that he was already married. So both these would count against him. He cheated each woman by lying about his worth. When you get married you get a spouse that is of similar worth to you in the open market. He was worth less than what he got with each woman. He could only be available half the time but claimed that he could be there full time by saying he was single.
Hello,
What he did is totally un-islamic and unacceptable! Yes, it is his right to be able to have 4 wives, but there are rules and restrictions, not just when his dick feels like it!
1. and most importantly, the wive(S) should know and consent to him getting another partner (unless there is a valid reason preventing her from doing so, e.g coma),
2. There should be a reason to get more wives, not just when he feels like it, for example he loves his first wife, but she is infertile, or is sick, or in a coma.
And 3. All wives should be treated equally and by keeping her a secret from you, that was unfair to you, also breaking another rule for getting more wives.
Sadly, many men are uneducated in Islam and its rules and teachings, thinking they are able to act how they like and abuse their rights wrongfully to hurt innocent women. Such a shame!