Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heartbroken by my husband’s secret second marriage

Husband Remarried

He has a secret second wife...

I am married to my husband for 11 years. Last month I discovered my husband's secret marriage which was done 3 years back and I totally had no idea about it. he has been cheating me these 3 years and telling me there is no other woman in his life.

I applied for divorce and the sharia court has given me 3 months for reconsidering the divorce application. I have huge pain in my heart. I can't digest his second marriage. Every time I think how fool I was to believe him and trust him I curse on myself. I can’t stop crying. My life never going to be the same. I am broken. I am shocked.

I married him by love and now he has cheated me. I can’t forget and forgive him in my heart. I can’t accept this truth that there is another wife in his life.

I am the mother of our 3 kids. I am of course concerned about them but what I do with my feeling? I don’t think I can get along with this situation. I know I financially need his support for raising kids but I must kill myself to live with him for the sake of my kids. I am so disappointed. I am burning inside. He calls it jealousy but I am really dying inside.

Please help me. What shall I do? I can’t force him to divorce her and I can’t live with him with her. I love my kids too much and I have tried my best but I swear I can’t take it anymore. This fault is not the only one I am asked to forgive - he has many mistakes and I can't forgive them all...

elham


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148 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Sister,

    There are many things that I could say and many things that some people will say that it is his right and that you must accept it. Those are true. I think the part that you are struggling with is knowing that you trusted your husband and believed him to be someone else but that ended up not being the case. You may be struggling with both him secretly marrying, but also with him not being fully honest.

    We can certainly discuss why he didn't tell you and that he can validly marry without telling you, but if he did so in order to not hurt you, telling you that you are jealous isn't going to lessen your pain.

    What you must decide is how much you can bear? You have to juggle your feelings with the well-being of your children. It is very easy for anyone to tell you to end your marriage or to even continue it, but either way, the pain is only yours.

    In making a decision, I do suggest that you look very carefully at the last 3 years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. During the time that he was married to both you and his 2nd wife without your knowledge, how did he treat you? Maybe you need some time away from him, sometime to think about what you really want and what you can and can't do. Take time, do Isthikhara, write down the pros and the cons, don't rush into any decision.

    May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

    • I too have a similar situation. I am probable luckier than you in respect that we have no children together
      I can understand to a degree what my husband married his first wife again. I don't agree with his reason but he says he did what he had to. I will never forget that my husband went behind my back to remarry this woman. He asked me to forgive but I told him it's not up to me to give forgiveness. Only God will do this. I will never trust my husband again and he knows this. As soon as the time is right for me I will leave him. I believe that you cannot truly love some one again when the trust is gone. When ever he tells me something
      I tell him I don't believe him anymore and he can say and do what he likes. This works for me

    • Salam sister!! What did u decide to do after finding out about your husbands secret marriage? My husband has done that to me too and has a child with that 2nd lady but doesn't want a life with her but I'm dying inside cos he lied to me!! I have 2 kids with him and am confused myself!

    • Agreed..people have no mercy for your feelings..i can't understand, why husbands treat their first wives as their slaves and never respect their feelings..even their first wives bear all the difficulties and hard times with patience, sacrifice (by all means) and with open heart..and when the hard time passes away..men start to think about their right of new marriage..like the old one is a piece of garbage

    • No. As an English male convert to Islam I disagree with Saba. What you must decide is not how much you can bear but to what extent your husband has committed actions which are haram and sinful. Did he lie to you, did he deceive you, has he been hypocritical? Did he treat you equally with his second wife? Answer these questions and act with the strength that Allah the Almighty has given you sister. Allah, Inshallah, will help you to bear your decision. Pray to Allah and you will know the right decision to make. Do not be weak for Allah will support you. Karim.

  2. Salam sister. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. There are no easy answers when it comes to this type of choice. I am aware that a husband has the "right" to marry more than one wife, but he did not ask you prior to doing so; in fact, he concealed his other marriage from you and betrayed your trust. Whether he has the right to or not, he has shown zero consideration for your feelings. Many a woman would not accept such behaviour, myself included, because such a person does not deserve trust. I myself divorced with a young child, because that was the best decision for my personal situation. I never looked back, and have focused the energy I took out of a negative situation into raising my child. There can be happiness after divorce, and marriage is supposed to be a place of mutual respect and love. Islam permits divorce for a reason. And terming your disagreement "jealousy" is his way of deflecting arguement and dismissing your feelings so that he does not have to face the hurt he has caused. The circumstances surrounding this second marriage point to deep challenges to the future of your union. I would separate from him to clear your head and carefully decide how to proceed. First, consider your support system. This is the time for close friends and family to be supportive of you. Next, the children: they can sense when things are not right between their parents. If you and your husband are not getting along, seeing you fight may create a more unhealthy environment for them than if you simply divorced. Also, consider what message will your actions send to your children when they come to learn the truth one day? Your husband should still provide for them financially as they are his children also. Second, consider yourself: how are you holding up? Can you imagine spending a lifetime this way? What positive characteristics draw you to your husband? And are the negatives faults ones that you cannot tolerate? Whatever you choose, may Allah ease your pain. No matter your age, everyone is too young to live in misery. I pray Allah will bless you as a fellow mother and guide you to the best decision for your situation.

  3. Salams sister,

    I feel so badly for you!! What a shock that your husband, the only one in the world who has your back, has gone behind your back!

    But pause, and take your 3 months seriously to think about it. As mentioned above by Saba, review in general the last 3 years. Were they good years? Did he emotionally support you and provide for all your needs? Was he able to make you feel like you are his one woman?

    If no, then talk to your family and if they agree divorce is best, talk to your children. Do not forget the children will be challenged with the changes. Then move on. Inshallah other options will open up and jobs will come along. It is possible to get out of this rut.

    If yes, then try to make it work. Have a serious talk with him about your expectations of your marraige in the future. A counseling senssion or two would be recommended. Make sure to read up on your Islamic rights in polygamis relationships. You might not want to meet this other woman... it is your choice, but it can cause jealousy. He must give you everything that you need. No skimping; you have 3 kids! And please sit down with your kids to talk it over and introduce this fact of another wife to them, if they are old enough to understand. This will also be a shock to them.

    In the end, take every step with hope. Allah swt will guide us and has promised to answer our prayers. May He ease your burdens. Ameen.

    Shereen

  4. Make the decision that you can live with the best. It is your life, not that of either of your parents, nor that of your husband.

  5. Dear sister,

    Some good advice has already been given. Marriage should be about love and trust. Did he show you love by hiding his second mariage? Did he show you trust by lying to you? These years of polygamy, how many times has he lied to you? Is that what islamic marriage should be?
    As to coping with this because it might be a bearable way to survive, remember that if you stay married to this man you will also spend eternity with him. And so will the second wife. Is this also what you want? Eternity.

    Best luck in your decision

  6. Dear Sister,
    I am sorry for your sorrow and pain. You have rights as well in this situation, and even if a man has a right to marry 4 wives ,you do not have to put up with it if it hurts you. He was dishonest,therefore I think you are very wise to divorce him. Do not let this man make you put up with being degraded and playing second wife. He has disrespected you and lied to you. He can not be trusted. If he had told you his plans to get a second wife and was honest, then maybe he would be a good person and you may think about staying in the marriage. But this husband has hid this from you and although Islam says a man does not need permission from his first wife and can hide his marriage I think this goes against human rights ,as you have a right to know and also I think a good and compassionate man would not hide this, but a disrespectful and deceitful man would hide this and who knows where this will stop. He may get tired of the second wife and go for a third and a fourth wife. Sister you deserve better then this and so do your children! You do not need to live in misery for the kids. The kids need you as a strong mom. You can get a job and be strong and you can be independent,maybe get an education. Do not depend on a man completely as that is never safe. Muslim women were strong in the past! Read their stories. In Islam women are not suppose to be passive but sometimes culture teaches women to be doormats and passive,but this is not what is meant for women.
    You have rights and if you do not want this, be strong and get this divorce for your peace. Your children need a strong and peaceful mom. You can find a better husband one day who will be honest,caring ,compassionate and respectful to you. We women are taught to take too much abuse and mistreatment. We are not taught to protect ourselves and see the bad signs of a bad man. Your wise and continue with the divorce. Be strong and do not depend completely on this dishonest husband. May Allah Bless you sister! Respect yourself and know Allah is always with you!

    • Or maybe he didnt want to tell her so she doesnt get hurt. Because he loved her wanted her but had other desires.
      My husband is mentioning this subject on and off and i am refusing it. However if all.means he did want it in the end. I prefer not knowing of it. As i will not accept another. However that bring said if i did one day find out like this lady did i will be hurt deceived disrespected. But depending in his actions i will decide whether i should or should not stay with him. Depending on the yeata that has passed knowing he had a second how they were how he was with me before deciding on what i would do. I must admit i am currently saying i will divorce if he ever did. But come to the day i am in the situation i dont know if i will. As i never ever want to marry another man. I have a choice of being alone or being with him. Currently my head is set to wanting to be alone rather than sharing. Only when it comes to that situation am i able to decide
      Think carefully about your choices its good you kicked him out to have that space for you to feel how life would be without him and how life was with him. Before making the decision.

      • Sister

        You say your husband mentions polygyny on and off. This he should definitely not do. Kindness between spouses is obligatory, and mentioning something that causes you pain "on and off" is not kindness. You should tell him in no uncertain terms that poking you with the polygyny-stick "on and off" is unislamic in that it is unkind and causes nafs ans is not in line with his duty to protect you and be a garment to you.

        If your husband eventually decides on polygyny, that is the time to talk about it with you. And as you say, you have a choice in the matter. He may become polygynous regardless of your views and feelings. But you have a right, according to most scholars, to ask for divorce if you do not want to share. You can also make it clear to your husband if e.g. you know that you will leave him should he marry another woman. That however is a later matter.

        His talking about this on and off is puerile, inconsiderate, mean and despicable. You have a right to your marriage, your relationship with your husband, without his haphazard way of forcing the thought of another woman on you, and into your marriage and your home.

        • yes it is hurtful, and i have tried many times to stop him speaking to me in that way, he does not know his dean well, had not learnt to respect due to his father violence as a child and i have 3 kids with him, love him and he loves me too, hes just never had a childhood to learn the right wrong respect etc. he came to the uk age 17ears old, i am hoping my stay with him will better him in his deen in his life, like his father finally did (now a hajj). one has extremely hard choices in life, never go for the easiest as it may not be the right one, yes many might say divorce him, and i have thought of the option and pushed upon it, buit when all gets real i start to think about my kids, i live in the UK its hard enough trying to make your children grow up in an islamic mind while they have both parents, so how hard is it going to be if im a lone parent. i take them to an arabic and islamic school, hoping that if they are not learnt at home too well, maybe the school will teach them. i grew up in the UK and i dont want my kids growing up doing thinking saying or learning what i did. i want to protect them. if i was able i would leave to an islamic country, however what country, arabs theses days only know how to kill themselves. they are fighting themselves and creating a bad life for the people in those countries. where will one go.

          some say we are still young and because getting married having 3 kids after each other this is probably the cause for cont. stress however being married 6 years now and age 25 i dont find us young. its about time he got use to it.

          • asmaa. its an option: leave or stay. it seems like u chose ur way. there are advantages and dis along the way. think, dont look back, dont regret ur decisions and move on while facing ahead

      • How can you say that he loved her when he was cheating on her and lying to her for past 3 years. The reason we call love is that love is based on trust and commitment. He didn't tell his forst wife about his second marriage cause be was selfish and self centred who only wanted to look out for himself. If he had any feelings for her than he wouldn't betray her in the first place.

        • It's really dishonest. Better to leave him. Bcz I had same experience with my husband. He took completely everything from me and cheated on me in Ramadan. But he doesn't even bother my feelings or how much it's hurting. It's killing me every time. Really god will punish him the way he talks to me. I don't depend on him. He cleverly cheated on me. House,car every thing. It's not easy to forget. He's not divorcing me. He's keeping as an option for his needs. I don't know how men can cheat this cheap for another woman. How much I sacrifice for him. Everything I did as he didn't have a job. Atlast he threw me out of the house. Which is on my name. Car e he's enjoying with her. Simply he's telling you can come live with me. I really will never go. The way he cheated on me. Really really god will help me how much I am suffering alone.

        • Shin. Totally agree. Is it not time that we stop making excuses for men who lie and deceive their wives? As a male English convert to Islam I thought that lies, deceit and hypocrisy were haram. Is this not true? Pray enlighten me. Karim

  7. Honestly, in this life no one is worth giving grieving for, or to give up your wellbeing, rights and happiness for. Only your parents, siblings and children are irreplaceable, but everyone else can be replaced: friends come and go, spouses can be cut out of your life and a new one can be found, collegues change with every job you change, etc. When you really consider this fact, it's actually very easy to walk away from people who have wronged you with a smile on your face, and feel good about leaving the people who had no positive impact on your life.

    Sister, it isn't YOU who should feel bad. Your husband should feel bad for being too much of a coward to tell you the truth about his 2nd wife. Too much of a coward to deal with the fact he KNEW you wouldn't accept a 2nd wife in to your life. So he took the easy way out and hid her from you and lied to you about her before and after he married her. This is not a man, this is a scared little loser who is afraid of dealing with women.

    The fact of the matter is, a lot of Muslim men don't understand that women do get hurt when they do things behind our backs. Just because the Quran tells men that women SHOULD be alright with polygamy, and that there's no need to consult a first wife before taking in a 2nd, it doesn't mean reality is just that: that women are okay with polygamy and don't feel a need to be asked or consulted about the matter before the husband takes a 2nd wife. That's what makes women hurt.

    I say, stick to your decision of divorcing, and make sure your husband does his part with your children. If you live in a Western country, or in a country that bans polygamy, I think you should turn him in with the authorities so he, too, can go through difficulties like he put you through. Plus, if it's illegal in your country to be married with two people at the same time, it's the right thing to do.

  8. I don't understand why people are saying a man doesn't have to tell his wife about a second marriage. Maybe he does not need her "permission" but surely he needs to tell her that a second wife exists or that he intends to marry a second time. Otherwise there will be many surprises in their lives down the road when various situations come up with kids, health, money, and other matters. A major component of an Islamic marriage is announcing the marriage, and surely this includes announcing it to the first wife and her children and even her parents. Otherwise rumors may surface about the man and his activities, and the first wife and her family will naturally be confused and suspicious.

    • The reason why people say that a man doesn't need to get permission or advise his wife about his 2nd marriage is because that is what many fatwaas say: For example http://islamqa.info/en/452

      I do agree that by keeping any marriage a secret would create many complications especially for a husband, first wife and first wife's children.

      • But then, sister, what about all the fatwas saying a man does need his first wife's permission to marry a second wife (if monogamy is the norm in their culture)?

        http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=2258

        http://www.onislam.net/english/shariah/special-coverage/457008-family-issues-live-fatwa.html

        This is an issue of ikhtilaf- or legitimate difference of opinion- amongst Islamic scholars. It is a matter of fiqh.

        And in many predominantly Muslim countries, such as Pakistan, the opinion which requires first wife's consent for second marriage is a part of the law.

        There are even fatwas which say that the majority opinion among Idslamic scholars is that the virgin daughter's permission is not necessary for her marriage and that the father may force her to marry against her will.

        http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Id=87853&Option=FatwaId

        http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=270607

        Of course, I do not agree with the opinion which advocates forced marriages, I merely point out here the sheer hypocrisy of people who think that the husband does not need to take his first wife's permission to do 2nd marriage yet they believe that the father cannot force his daughter to marry. People should at least be consistent.

        • Well, let me say that I think any just and kind man wouldn't let his first wife suffer in this way and would tell his wife if he made the decision to marry a second time. However, it may be that some men beleive that they have the right to not seek permission and/or inform their wife. Some may not tell their wife out of concern for her OR they simply don't respect her.

          Regardless of the reason or which fatwa to follow, I think a decision to leave a husband has to include more than the second marriage--meaning it has to look at how he has and is treating her. I don't feel comfortable advising the sister to end her marriage or even to continue it because there isn't enough information.

          It is also my understanding a woman may ask for a khula if her husband as deceptively taken on a second marriage--but again, this is rather complicated when children are involved.

          Keeping the fact that this is a highly dynamic situation, the sister in question should be very careful in this decision.

          I have a dealt first hand with some women who are in the exact situation. Some divorced and felt happier, some divorced and were miserable. This isn't a situation that I envy in the least and so the decision either way should be weighed extremely carefully because one decision has no way to be reversed.

      • As-salamu Alaykum,
        I have read the fatwa posted by Sister Saba. It says that a man does not need the consent of his wife to contract a second marriage, but it does not say that he must not inform her. These are two separate issues.

        • So the thing is that, basically a man does not need his wife's permission to marry a second wife, just like he didn't need the permission of his parents to marry his first wife--in short, a man does not need a wali to get married. However, there is a difference between seeking a permission to marry and informing, announcing, or seeking opinions from closed ones regarding the first/second marriage. Also, it is very important to make the first/second marriage known to the people around you (e.g. parents, wife, children, society) to prevent future conflicts (such as misunderstandings regarding the sharing of times and properties) and mistakes (such as marriage between the children), and most importantly to seek the opinion and satisfaction of the first wife to prevent hurting her feelings, as the Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) never hurt his wives (may Allah be pleased with them).

          To the OP:

          I'd suggest you to consider the last paragraph by sister Saba, that you look very carefully at the last 3 years of your marriage and ask yourself if you were happy or not. This suggestion is for the sake of the children, otherwise what he did is not a character of a honest husband.

          Also please pray istikhara within the 3 months to seek guidance and help from Allah. If there is good in the divorce in your case, then may Allah make it happen, but if not, then may He decree something better and soothe your heart. Ameen.

      • Saba. Problems for the husband? What problems? That his deceit and lies were exposed? I am a male English convert to Islam and I think you fail to understand who is the victim here? May Almighty Allah protect our sister who is suffering because of her husband’s lies. Karim

  9. No matter if you claim a man has a legal right to marry a second wife without the knowledge or consent of his first wife - there is no way under the sun you can claim that it is the moral thing to do! I wish for once a man would stop and feel - not think, not imagine but FEEL what it would actually be like to see your loved one, the mother of your children, share her heart and her bed with another man every other night for the rest of your life. Or with three other men. Please. Don't talk about rights. Talk about obligations. At least talk about obligations first. It can also be legal to own a slave. But there is no way under the sun you can claim it is the moral thing. We should all worry about our obligations first! Not our rights.

    • I doubt polygamy is a walk in the park for those who are involved except, of course, if a man abuses this particular right. Polygamy is much more than sharing a bed, it is about fulfilling rights. In case, it seemed that I was promoting it above, I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that our Deen, Islam has allowed it--so, on that note, we can't deny it. Also, a man who is unjust in dealing with his wives doesn't have much to look forward to in the hereafter.

      From: http://islamqa.info/en/102446
      It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa’i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (no. 1949).

      Shaykh al-Mubaarakfoori (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

      Al-Teebi said in his commentary on the words “with one of his sides leaning”, i.e., tilting. And it was said that this will be in such a way that all the people on the Day of Resurrection will see him, so this will increase his punishment.

      Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi (4/248).

      If a wife sees that her husband is favouring her co-wife at her expense, or is being unjust to her with regard to her rights, she should hasten to advise her husband in the way that is best, and remind him of what Allaah has enjoined of justice, and what Allaah has forbidden of injustice. She should also hasten to advise her co-wife not to accept this injustice, and not to take anything that is not rightfully hers. Perhaps Allaah will guide him to be just and to give each one her due rights.

      Secondly:

      One aspect of justice between co-wives is for the husband to draw lots if he wants to travel with one wife and not the other(s). This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did with his wives.

      It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: When the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to go out on a journey, he would cast lots between his wives and the one whose name was drawn, he would take her with him.

      Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2454) and Muslim (2770).

      Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: This shows that if a man wants to travel with one of his wives, he should cast lots between them. In our view this casting lots is obligatory.

      So, yes, there is so much to consider here and nothing should be oversimplified, but also, reacting based only emotions is not wise.

      As for what is proper moral conduct of a good husband, it is obvious that any person that pays little to no heed with respect to their spouse causes much damage and pain.

      There are men who have the ability to have multiple wives and treat them with equality--our Prophet pbuh being one of them. There are some women who would choose to be in a polygamous marriage if it meant the difference between having a Mahram or not. People have all sorts of different challenges--too many to list here.

      We can't simply not talk about rights and only talk about obligations because obligations stem from the rights of another. Instead, we need real life solutions. A woman, married for 11 years with three kids, who can't financially support them on her own, who is broken by sudden news and divorces in haste, MAY, regret deeply the divorce when the feelings tame down and thinking settles in. We don't know enough about her husband's conduct otherwise. In this complicated equation, feelings are not the only thing to consider, there are a lot of other things. Divorcing him may seem like the best revenge or the best way out right now, but this is a short-term way of thinking and will lead to short-term relief. If the sister does decide to divorce, I recommend that she does it when she feels less emotional and the trauma of this event has subsided. That way, she will not have regrets and will be able to thoroughly think about each aspect of her life and how it will be changed--including her children.

      Marriage is more than just intimate enjoyment, it comes with a lot of responsibility, and we have to consider this in the entire picture. Ideally, this man shouldn't have married this other woman OR at least had more tact in dealing with his personal affairs, but most things in this world aren't ideal. Such is the dunya.

      Again, my prayers are with the OP. May Allah help you to find peace and the best solution for yourself and your children. Ameen. Thummah Ameen.

  10. What seems wrong here is that the husband lied and was dishonest with his wife. To live in a marriage where one can not trust their spouse does not seem worth it. She has a right to become independent. This is why women should have their on work or career,so in case their husband abuses them or mistreats them they have a choice to leave the marriage.
    I think it is wrong for a husband to hide a second wife and not tell her ,even if this is allowed Islamically. Marriage should be about honesty and trust. Dishonesty is serious and no woman should put up with that. I think women should have the right to divorce in this kind of situation and they do. She does not have to stay with her husband after he took a second wife. But the main point is his dishonesty and she can not trust him. Trust is the basis of a good marriage.

    • Again, why do so many people believe that it is allowed to hide a second wife in Islam? I see no evidence of that. People, please present your evidence if it is truly okay in our religion to conceal a second marriage.

      • What is there is that it's not part of the conditions of marrying a second wife to seek the permission or opinion of the first wife, nor is it a condition to make it known to her--this was not to promote secret marriages, however, that's what many understood anyway. For example when Islam allows the man to marry without the permission of his parents, does that means marrying without their knowledge (or secret marriage) is preferred and recommended by Islam?! Of course, no, but it is the contrary according to Islamic good manners.

        The position of Islamic laws is clear regarding this matter, however, further discussion of it could be done within the Islamic good manners, where the reasons of individuals and societies could be justified or judged.

        Allah knows best.

  11. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm the second wife. It has been many times I tried to tell the first wife by calling her send her the message or even photo of me any my husband before we are going to get married if she is agree or have the idea about that because I know that my husband will never tell her and it is not fair for her as well. But we married now without her knowing because what I've done it is just useless I'm wondering that why doesn't my co-wife suspect that there is something wrong even I'm trying to tell her. My husband always get angry when He knows that I'm trying to talk to her even ho told me that she feels hurt when she saw those photos I sent to her. All sister here what can I do? Should I divorce him and let him be with his family? of else I really don't know.

    • You should of thought of that before you decided to hook up with a man who's already taken. This is not Islamic manners to send pictures and to try and tell her. If you knew he was being dishonest to her then you knew you are doing something wrong. Leave married men alone if they're not willing to use proper conduct.

    • Salaam dear sister
      U did nothing wrong.. The first wife is acting immature...Your husband has every right to love u and marry u... So please go be happy with your husband.... Im a first wife and i dont act badly like this other woman.

      In time she will get over it...

      • she's not acting immature she's hurt. It's big of u to accept ur husband second wife although I'm not sure of the circumstance perhaps it's something you agreed to prior to the marriage. But if my husband came home with a second wife id be very upset

        • It was nothing agreed apon prior to marriage... I just trust my husbands judgement. Women react out of emotion without understanding.
          My husband didnt take another wife because he didnt love me but because men have different needs then women..especially arab men.

          This second wife has no reason to feel sorry for loving her husband and showing photos of their love.

          When my husband is with me...its just us uninterrupted..when he is with his other wife i respect him and follow the boundaries he has set that i dont call or bother them.

          Sometimes i dont see him for 6 months because he chooses to live with her
          Sometimes he lives with me for just the weekends or for months.
          Sometimes he lives with me and stays one day a week with her...

          • Im happy to hear that things are working out for you and I pray Allah continues to bless your marriage.

            And I'm not judging or criticising but for me the hardest thing to tolerate would be another woman. I'm not sure which needs your referring to but it shouldn't be a reason to get a second wife. Women have needs to, the biggest is respect and attention from her husband. Even if I was to accept a second marriage, I certianly wouldn't give up my rights and let my husband be away from me for months. I can understand that marriahe requires a lot of patience but there is a limit. Polygamy isn't something that should be done so easily as far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of responsibilities that come with it, all wives needed to be treated exactly the same way, each should be given the same amount of time.. You said you don't disturb him when he's with the other wife, even if he is away for months on end? Really ? I don't think I'd be able to tolerate that, whats the point of being married if you don't see or speak to your husband for months. I'm pretty sure there is a Hadith that says something about not staying away from your wife for more than four months? Women have needs too, we're not toys that the husband can play with at his convenience.

            Anyway, I'm not criticising but explaining why I wouldn't be too happy with this arrangement.

          • Bucks ,

            If she is happy with that arrangement let she be .You don't know their situation .
            Why injecting negative thoughts ?

          • Hiyyah: My husband didn't take another wife because he didn't love me but because men have different needs then women..especially Arab men.

            Were you unable to meet the needs of your husband that made him marry another woman? What are those needs that specially only Arab men have? Did you refuse to meet some particular need of your husband?

          • More fool you. If you like to accept a man who is in other beds when he feels like it I don't think you have much respect for your own body or self

          • I have a bridge in Brooklyn I would like to sell you.

        • SVS
          Actually I was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 14 and had to receive treatment for 3years..at 17 I went into remission ..praise be to Allah..but the chemotheraphy and radiation treatments rendered me unable to have children..
          Which is one of the major reason he needed a second wife to bear him a child..
          We did take in his sisters children because both his sister and brother inlaw were killed by barrell bombs in Idlib Syria
          But ofcourse a man wants his own biological children.

          • Sorry hiyyah but you're situation is completely different and your husband and you perhaps agreed upon him taking a second wife. She's not feeling sorry for loving her husband, she's feeling sorry for being part of a her husbands deceitful plans. How is the first wife acting immature, she's acting naturals. It's normal. What do you mean especially arab; all men want to breed their own offspring's bit just arabs. If I couldn't have kids I would straight up tell my husband to take another wife.

            Anyways zeena, first of all pictures are haram so what are you doing trying to send it to the first wife.the best thing you can do is tell your husband to tell his first wife. Secondly, now you have married him so it's too late to back down now, either way you have caused grieve on the first wife. Honestly it's people like you that make polygamy ugly. I swear sometimes a women's enemy is her own sister.

          • SVS. I am English and converted to Islam 30 years ago. So men have different needs? In which century are you living. May Almighty Allah enlighten you and protect you. Karim

      • Hiyyah,

        There's nothing wrong with you enjoying the fact that your husband has other women, but please understand the vast majority of women are not like you. Clearly you had a health issue that made you inadequate and provided an actual need for your husband to look elsewhere. It's not about immaturity it's about loyalty and respect. There's a right and wrong way to do everything and that goes for polygamy too. Sending your cowife pictures of you and your husband is a cruel and unislamic thing to do.

  12. Dear Sisters

    I am in the same position.just found out my husband has a second wife he has hidden it for 6 years.I however will bear the pain as I can't see my kids home broken.For the sake of my kids I cry myself to sleep.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      I don't know what you feel like and my comment is not intended to hurt you.

      What your husband did by going behind your back was not right. None of the Prophets' (may peace be upon them) or Sahabas marriages were in secret--yet this is becoming a more common occurence in some of our communities. While there may be a need for polygamy (and please i don't want to debate about polygamy--we don't know everyone's circumstances and abilities); it should not be used in this way.

      On the other hand, perhaps this is a wake up call for you and women in general that when we put all of our love and efforts and hope into our husband - do we forget they are humans? Should women be putting more love and effort and hope in Allah swt and expecting more from Him? I don't expect to answer the questions I've posed, but maybe you can think more about them.

      I am sorry that you cry yourself to sleep - try, instead to read some du'as before you goto sleep at night, have hope in your heart for a beautiful place in Jannah, picture yourself content and with no pain in the afterlife as this world is just temporary, and ask Allah swt to help you to pass your most difficult trials with grace and patience.... I pray that Allah swt helps you to find a solution inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

      • have hope in your heart for a beautiful place in Jannah, picture yourself content and with no pain in the afterlife as this world is just temporary

        Is it allowed to have imaginary picture of Jannah and think like that ??

        • Why wouldn't it be? It's not a sin to imagine what Jannah of even hell would be like, it's been described multiple times.

        • And I wasn't injecting negative thoughts illogical I was giving my opinion, and judging by Hiyyas other comments she clearly has a very twisted idea of marriage and the role of the husband. I'm pretty sure she must be getting abused in her marriage. I suggest you read her comments properly before criticising me.

          • Sister ,

            It depends on individual . I read some interviews of working muslim women where some women were very happy in polygamous marriage as they don't want to have their husbands everyday near them as they will get freedom in those days when husband is not around and they were not interested in doing day to day household activities and other stuff for their husband .

            They used to get kind of freedom and private space when husband was not around ..So it depends .One might like it and others might dislike ..

            Take it easy sister .

          • I suppose your right illogical, whatever works for the individual.

          • I'm not getting abused.
            Just a strict follower of Shariah...
            My husband doesn't beat me or anything like that..but
            He is strict

  13. How did you find out? I believe that my husband is also secretly married. I am in Saudi Arabia and would like to know if anyone knows how I can find out.

    • Weeping Date Palm: How did you find out? I believe that my husband is also secretly married. I am in Saudi Arabia and would like to know if anyone knows how I can find out.

      i imagine it will be much harder to have secret sexual relationship in a conservative country like Saudi Arabia where women are not allowed to go any where alone.

      How long have you been married to your husband? Has he changed suddenly in terms of closeness with you? What makes you think your husband has another wife? Does your husband spend nights away from home?

      • SVS. Why worry? You say men have different needs. Sister it is time for Saudi women to have the strength to demand equal rights. They are given to you by Allah the Amighty. Inshallah Allah will enlighten and protect you. Karim

  14. Well, this is just excuse even if the husband informs the wife, the wife will be mad about it. Then don't these women disagree with Quran? I believe they do , if the man is just then still a lot of women will say they can't put up with this, a weak imaan that's all.

    • Imagine your mom, who has been living with your father for a lengthy period of time discovers that your father had taken a second wife without her consent, and has children you did know about. Do you think your mom will be happy? Will you be happy? If you replied yes to both these questions, then I hope Allah gives your mom the patience to survive both a terrible son and a terrible father. If you replied no then you are a hypocrite, because you claim its weak iman. In Islam a second wife is only for necessity, it is quite clear that the Quran has favored having one wife, so this is not poor Iman for a woman to dislike her husband having a second wife, in fact this is fitrah and a very natural thing.

      I bet, you are the type of disgusting person that tricks his first wife AND his second wife into marriage, men who do this are not 'men' they are merely animals in human form.

  15. Assalam Alaikom..
    I am second wife, my husband told me there's no first or second wife, he treated us equally. I never meet his first wife yet bcoz she is far with us in another country.I am the one who suggests my husband to let her know and ask permission if it's okey for her. I accepted him even thou he is a married man to protect him in adultery." My husband told me if she is like your attitude I never get another wife. Now I understand wife my husband married me. I always pray to Allah swt to protect us jealousy. Sister try to be patience and forgive your husband, our husband is a way to us to Jannah. Divorce is most hated to Allah.May Allah swt give you more strength and peaceful mind.

    • This is so wrong !! There's a million ways to protect someone from Zina - getting a second wife isn't necessarily the solution. You accepted him as a second husband but can you imagine the grief of his first wife when she finds out that he's gone behind her back to another country, developed a relationship with another woman and then married her without her even knowing. And he's backbiting about his first wife by saying if she was like you he wouldn't need a second wife !!! Unbelievable.

    • Aminah: I am second wife, my husband told me there's no first or second wife, he treated us equally. I never meet his first wife yet bcoz she is far with us in another country.I am the one who suggests my husband to let her know and ask permission if it's okey for her. I accepted him even thou he is a married man to protect him in adultery.

      Married to protect him from adultery...married for sex...Does his first wife know he married you? Did you sponsor your husband for a Visa? Most first wives don't mind that kind of marriages where their husband is getting a Visa/citizenship.

    • Omgg I feel sorry for the first wife, honestly. I hope the same conduct you have put your sister through happens to you too. Just like you said may Allah protect us all from jealousy.

    • The worst part about some of you second wives is when you have the nerve to put yourself above the first wife. What makes you think you're so superior. And if he goes and gets himself a third wife will your self worth suddenly diminish?

  16. Pray Istakara Insha'Allah you will find peace just to Allah , just don't ask crazy stuff don't follow your desire, just Allah to guide you the best decision Allah knows best for you , May Allah grant you peace sister Amiin

  17. Salam, to be honest one Muslim brother proposed for a second wife. His wife allowed him to look for a second wife he is a very good Muslim but to be honest I refused him, i said no even if he really desired me to be his wife. And yes I am a very jealous girl, i thought about it for one year even i still couldn't accept, so yes i refused him and good he understood. Maybe there are other girl's situation and opinion but for me it's better for me to refuse and go very far away from him rather than welcoming something else. I think second marriage is not for me or any other marriages. I have one daughter already no longer in contact with father we separated, i was not afraid to tell her everything how hurt i am and she accepts. She also dont want me to be a second or have my future husband have a second wife. Im glad she support me

    • Sanchai: Salam, to be honest one Muslim brother proposed for a second wife. His wife allowed him to look for a second wife he is a very good Muslim but to be honest I refused him, i said no even if he really desired me to be his wife

      How did you meet this brother? Did he find you on the Internet? Did he tlle you he was married right from the start?

  18. Assalamu alaikum wrwb

    Dear Sister,

    Please read this care fully and with lot of patient. This happened with my life also. The man suddenly turned on for a second marriage after 11 years, which is not his plan. First you should understand that Allah swt plans everything.

    so it happened according to Allah's will. If you are opposing your husband, it means you are opposing Allah swt 's hikmat. It is clear that you are against to Allah's wish.

    Allah allowed a man to marry more than one, because Allah knows what is good and what is bad for human. This incident may be even good for you which you never know.

    Now what you will do after separation? you will need a partner however, what is the guarantee that you will get a good partner or that partner also will not marry another?

    because all the things are happening by Allah swt. How you can stop it?

    so please be patient. Your husband did something halal. Dont make fitna due to this.

    Now think about how to live with this situation, why dont you have a agreement with your husband to continue the life.

    You are only allowed to take divorce if your husband is wrong. Polygamy is not haram, so he is not wrong and he is not oblidged to take your permission for his second marriage since you did not have an agreement during your marriage contract.

    Acting much aggressive against your husband towards his second marriage is just like kafir. Because it was not happened during our prophet pbuh and sahabas.When they married more than one. These habits came from kuffar. Anyhow fear of Allah and his hikmat. He knows well about what he plans.

    After having agreement with your husband, if he does not act upon his words, then you can go for divorce, however islam doesnt give burdens too human being.Islam has the option.

    So wait till Allah shows a good way and dont listen the public. They are not aware of islam.

    For example if you are the second wife of your husband, just married, and the first wife enjoyed her life with your husband for 11 years, dont you do justice with your sister who is just married? think about her feeling. Allah made her the wife of your husband, what she will do?

    so if you are in the place of your sister, sure you dont be aggressive, because you just started your life.

    So let your husband spend on you and your children adequately, and whenever he gets time, let him visit you, or get along with him staying in one building or near building which is easy for you husband to visit you and her equally.

    If Nothing works out husband has a way to divorce you or you have the rights to ask khula.This will be a last chance. be careful very last chance. Dont be hurry.

    Try to give a life to your sister. Live and let her live.

    Moreover You are not the way of your husband's Jannah. Your husband is your Jannah and hell. So try to make him happy even he wants a third wife.

    Jazakallah khair

    • Agreed...
      Thank u for speaking the truth... My husband took a second wife and i dont make problems or wuestion my husband. Allah wouldn't want me to upset my husband and his new wife with fitnah..
      When they got engaged i allowed them privacy to get to know eachother in halal way. I didnt get upset. I supported him.
      When they married he lived with her for a year and i saw him once or twice. But i didnt get upset ....
      Women need to stop the fitnah.

      • Hiyyah, your husband is not giving the proper rights to you and the other spouse. He is supposed to divide his time and attention equally between the two of you. For him to stay with her a year and only see you once or twice is unjust and un-Islamic. If you choose to meekly accept this state of affairs that's up to you, but don't say it's what Allah wants. Allah 'azza wa jal wants people to behave with justice and fairness, and to fulfill their duties as Muslims.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Hiyyah, you are either limited in your knowledge of Islam or just plain limited. On this page alone, several women have lamented how their husbands have been lying to them and you tell women to stop the fitnah.

        I could go on about the rights of women to not be abused by their husbands, i.e. lied to, manipulated, etc. The greatest reference is what our beloved prophet told men: The best of you are those who kind to their wives.

        If you want to be a victim or a doormat, welcome to that strange world. But do not be judgmental of others who would never enter that territory. And you certainly are not in a position to offer advices to others. Many of us have respect for ourselves.

    • Seriously divorce is also halal, she doesn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage whether it's polygamous or monogamous. And she certainly doesn't need a partner unless she wants one then that another story, Many women go on just fine being single

  19. Some thing same happening with I am his since 13 yrs now I have somemirrage about his second mirrage. But not sure now what to do. We have done love and had 3 kids getting crazy he only cdont at night rest of the he go some where but I dont . My daughter is 12 yrs old and understand everything. How to save my kids from mental depression. Allah pak plz help plz help save my life my family my kids

  20. Dear, sister
    sorry for your disappointment. If you he still loves you and you, him, then stay, and found a way around the situation, they are are many people who are very happy in their polygimous marriage, trust me meet with the other woman and talk to her about your worries, maybe she will shed some light in this whole situation

  21. Salaam,

    Dear Elham, if it's ok with you, I would like to talk to you since I need advice .. Im someone who's in almost the same situation as you.. I'm just finding someone to relate to.. All I find on Internet is about second wives.. Nothing about the first wives, what they suffer, how they feel.. Please would love to see how you are now.. Message me or how can I contact you?

  22. Hi sister we are in the same situation my husband marry a second wife secretly and believe me when I discover it I was so much in pain as if I want to die during those months especially that I gave birth to our first child during that time, I even hurt myself and sometimes I look into nothingness it makes me crazy, but as time pass by the pain it cause me is slowly fading and it teaches me a lot of lessons. I realized many things out of the pain and it makes my Imaan stronger, what I did is instead of being lonely I look into the brighter side of what might good it would bring in my life as a person. Then I realized that our life in this world is temporary and instead of grieving i should work for my Ahkira if whoever sinned btween me and my husband lets God be the judge..

  23. Sister, have patience, take time, just study, how he was with you for the past 3 years. Did he fulfill your requirements and loved you as usual. Then it is ok, continue with him. Allah will reward you .
    The other side, If you divorce him and try to hunt a new husband. the real difficulties starts here.
    Since you are looking for second marriage with 3 kids, most of the people who get you will already having first wife. Don't expect that you will get a bachelor. Very rare.... If you are above 40, just forget second marriage and continue with the same man.
    You are looking for a husband who should marry you and take the responsibility of the 3 children's of your first husband. This is a burden to your new husband. Which he wants to avoid.
    Finally what I suggest, when you have already lived for 3 years, you can continue for the rest coming years.
    For the past 3 years you did not cry each day .
    Just pray to Allah and ask for sabr......

    • We must put our trust in Allah and he will provide.

      "And He provides from sources (we) never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion."

      You have a right to divorce. If you are in pain, you should put your trust in Allah, not in your husband. A woman who is kind, loyal and loving and strong in deen will surely be attractive to a good man, I do not share the low view on men presented by guest1. There are many men out there who are widowers or divorcees who would love to marry a woman who has already proven herself to be a good mother and hence can be a good stepmother.

      guest1 - if your child died without you knowing it, would that be proof that it won't have to hurt once you find out? The logic is warped.

      Allah rewards good deeds and obedience. Staying in a deceitful and hurtful marriage is not among the things scholars agree on brings reward. The Prophet pbuh did not put blame on women who wanted a valid divorce.

      • Yheirs no rule to say a man cant marry twice ut they bend rules nothing is divided ewially whether be time or money the first wife seems to struggle alone so technically shes trying to survive whilisy the guy is happy experimenting new wife the kids suffer with lack of time with their father those women who choose to accept a marriage propposalfrom man knowing he is married dont know the hurt you are causing that wife and his kids your selfish because you cant get someone yourself if I was to put in plain language for you its giving someone cancer then watching them suffer on purpose the first wife has no choice but to carry on for her kids sake you do dont do this men dont do justice make excuses its you wreck a home in order to buid a new one for yourself its true allah created second marriages but not like this

  24. Sorry sister..i can feel your pain, you can't believe any more on other muslm man....they are cheaters. ..they prefer lust not love and loyalty of women. ...disgusting men.....that's the reason my Muslims friends always scared for marriage and searching for ahle kitab (Christian and jews) men....

    • # Humaira

      There is no need to generalize and paint all men black because of your personal bad experiences with men.

      Muslim women/girls are not allowed to marry Christian or Jew (people of the book) men unless they convert to Islam.

  25. Sallam sister,

    Please don't be hurt by my comments. I will say things that might stab you abit, but I hope it will guide you sister

    I read your story and I honestly feel your pain. I was once married and my husband left me for another woman. He was cheating behind my back. Now I think about it and I realise our religion gives us protection as the man doesn't have to engage in affairs but a hallal second marriage. I would be glad that his with a hallal woman rather than some bimbo in a hotel. The world is evil out there. If you hold on too much you will loose everything abit of sharing is okey. Atleast you don't have to see him everyday! if its just the two of you everyday the marriage becomes stale and boring.

    I can understand it is a complete shock, but I wouldn't rush to divorce him, you are his first wife and you have a history together...divorce sister is NOT A JOKE. The pain of divorce by far more worse than what your complaining about. I went through divorce and am telling you its not something I would wish on anyone. You have kids also to consider, think of your children's future. My mother sacrificed herself when my father remarried so that we complete our education.

    Islam has given him the right to marry four wives, we cannot be muslims and accept one part and refuse the other. Your considering divorcing him will you remarry? what are your chances of been wife number two to another man in the future? I understand your angry and hurt, but please think carefully use logic not emotions to think. It doesn't mean he has stopped loving you.

    I can gurantee you his second wife does consider how you feel, no woman who enters second marriage ever dismisses the feelings of his first wife unless shes cold.

    I am considering to be wife number two currently to a married man, I am divorced and I did make it clear he needs to inform his first wife who leaves abroad. His worried she will divorce him which he doesn't want. My reason for choosing him is because he takes care of his family very well to me its a good indication he will take care of me too. I did have my heart broken, and I can imagine how hurt his first wife will be, I did tell him he can never divorce her and he must make sure she is taken care of in everyway, I cant bare kids so basically for me this is a good arrangement. I wish we could someday co share the kids, I would treat them as my own.

    My advise, focus on yourself, your kids and your marriage... his second marriage has nothing to do with you. shes not better than you. Also stop putting his second marriage on a pedestal - it might not be as glorious as you think!!! I don't compare myself to his first wife, am actually older than her by 5 yrs and older than him by nine months .

    • Marriage gives a man the right to marry up to four, but it does not give him the right to lie and deceive his first wife. This man lied to her for three years, not about a small thing but about the fact that we was sharing his life with another woman. "his second marriage has nothing to do with you." - Sorry, but this is naive.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  26. what I don't understand dear sisters for those is secret second marriage is why do you want to be treated like that, this is what I have never understood. Seriously? is that how we value ourselves? if he cannot tell his family and the world your his second wife what are you doing with him? we need to stop this bad culture, your not his secret mistress!

  27. The road to jannat is filled with obstacles and thorns and the road to hell is a clear way.

    So where u think the answer is divorce
    Wrong.
    That's what a non Muslim would do
    You are a Muslim and you need to place hand on heart and make it work
    Make it work so so so better than before that the husband realises what a angel of a wife he has and certainly him marrying someone else while he had a angel at home.

    The children only can be calm when real parents bring them up.

    He didnt do wrong as you were having problems and he didn't want to leave you.

    Accept him
    Show extra love
    Show him who you truly are
    A forgiver.

    Think if our prophet peace and blessings be on him and his family
    Decided not to intercede for the sinners
    But just the pious we would all be doomed.

    Islam is to be forgiving merciful

    And westerners practice divorce
    And live single
    Just for revenge
    And the kids suffer ....what just to see your husband suffer for what his done.

    3 loverly children
    A bit of you and some of him

    Sister be more woman than the one his married to and keep patient
    Feed him
    Speak to him
    Treat him with kindness

    And if he doesn't praise you in a year or before I would be ashamed.

    He loves you
    But can't show it as this person is a wall between you both.

    Conclusion
    1. No divorce
    2. Accept him nd his missus
    3. Change yourself to love him more
    4. Don't cry but to Allah
    5. Be patient
    6. Hug him even once a week
    7 speak in a lowered voice
    8.cook for him
    9.iron his clothes before he asks
    10. Keep your children to respect him.

    Result
    1. You would have attained a different level of imran...close to the walis
    2.children would grow up happier and secure.
    3.Your izaat would grow considerably.
    4.YOUR HUSBAND WOULD LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANY WOMAN ON EARTH.
    5. Be patient.
    6. Forgive him
    As Allah forgive us.

    7. You are now the true Muslim.
    And your name would be written alongside the ones who are forgivers and the doors of jannat are open to you.

    • I'm not saying you're wrong to advise forgiveness. However, it's a mistake to say that divorce is something that only Westerners and non-Muslims do. Divorce is allowed in Islam. A person who has been wronged can choose it as an option without shame.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • i disagree to your constantly advising for divorce. Most of the people here are saying to forgive, and the punishment for lying is not divorce or the father loosing his kids. Imagine he takes in the kids as he support them financially, and her been alone without husband and kids. She has a better chance to slip into fitna and live without a husband for life so please stop it.

        • Read my comment more carefully: "I'm not saying you're wrong to advise forgiveness."

          I was not advising divorce in this case. I was merely correcting "Brother", who implied that divorce is not allowed in Islam and is something that only Westerners do.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Your advice is excellent if a woman wants to be a robot, doormat or victim. The Prophet spoke often of how men are suppose to treat their wives. The Prophet also married one divorced woman, Zainab, if not more than one, if I am correct. I am certain everyone here is advising with good intentions. However, I am also certain no one here is a trained marriage counselor, or even more importantly, a child living with a parent who is deceitful, a household full of anxiety and unhappiness and tension.

      The idiotic comment about only westerners divorcing is absurd and further supports my understanding of your limited knowledge about Islam, the West, the reality of women's lives in the Middle East, or marriage in general for that matter. At least in the west, when men lie to their first wives and marry another wife secretly, they are looked down on, women may have get financial assistance if they decide to not continue in the marriage and divorced women are not consider used, undesirable or a lost cause. Strange that so many comments here are from Muslim women who have been lied to, manipulated, fooled, and treated badly.

      Muslim men are supposed to provide for, protect and care for their wives. Lying to them, establishing secret marriages with other women who may also have been lied to, misleading others is wrong. So often we read of how Muslim women are like gems and jewels, that we are to be respected, that Muslim women are noble and decent. Sad that the truth is that right within the Ummah, so many, many Muslim women do not get that treatment from their very own husbands. It happens so often that when news of a woman being treated poorly, it is received like it is a common ocurrence

      Please grow up or at least admit that lack of knowledge and problems exist within our Ummah. And that it is not Muslim women who are running around with secret lovers, contracting secret marriages or manipulating Islamic law to their own convenience. The victim of a crime or offense is not the one who should be reprimanded, lectured or reminded about good manners.

    • Another person with the "flying carpet" mentality of marriage, women and family life. If a husband has lied to his first wife, is living with and having sex with another woman his wife knows absolutely nothing about, he destroys trust with his first wife, creates a fitna with the second wife and is only fooling himself. A woman who has been lied to, put at risk for STDS does not have to prove anything to her lying husband. She does not have to "be a better woman". She does not have justify herself. This is not a west or east matter, although secret marriages with lying abusive husbands seem to be more common in the east and honor murders are practically unheard of in the west.

    • I disagree completely...I'm in the same boat as our sister and I am in constant pain. I would rather never see him again than continue living like this. He lied and betrayed me. We were not put on this earth to suffer at the hands of who is supposed to protect us emotionally mentally and physically. We also have the right not to accept it.

  28. Sister, its been a long time since you posted. I hope you are well and that Allah decreed for you happiness in your life. I know your pain and unless you have been in polygny especially afirst wife one will not know the pain. I disagree that a second wife considers the first wifes feelings, if she did she wouldn't be a second wife unless she had a meeting with the first and it was clear she was on board. Sorry but MOST second wives nowadays are selfish, they love to compare themselves with the mothers of the believers. They dont have even 1 ounce of taqwa that they had. You often hear them say " want for your sister what you want for yourself" but they do not live by this. Do they want to cry themselves to sleep, do they want to feel like they have burning hot coals in their chest, do they want to be depressed. No, they dont, but thats what they want for their sister. Do they ever think that while they are celebrating their marriage, making love to their husband ect their co wife is at home going through psychological torture. Is that what they want for themselves?

    For those who are thinking of being a second wife. SPEAK to the first wife first, if she doesn't want to talk to you, that is a sign she doesn't want polygamy. You will put here through the most horrific experience of her life. Do you want that for yourself.

    No one has the right to hurt a Muslim, it is a sin.

  29. Now I know that I am not alone and it makes me feel a little bit better..My husband also secretly married, behind my back, even that I told him clearly that I don't accept to be in such marriage. She sent me their pictures together, saying that she is his wife. It broke my heart, I felt so devastated and all I could is to cry. It has been almost a year since then and I still can't heal myself. Things actually got worse as she is pregnant now. He married her because he used to have choice and it was hard for him to stay just with me, even that he told me so many times that he loves just me and I am his life. I can't understand how could he hurt me so much, and I hate that woman,,,I know its wrong and it only makes me feel worse and that I need to accept whatever Allah sends to me, that He knows better, but whoever says its not a big deal and easy to accept must have stone instead of heart or just doesn't love her husband. Because to know your beloved man is in somebody else's hug hurts and burns from inside. Whoever considers to become a second wife - please, realise that most likely the first wife is gonna be hurt so so much, and you don't want to be a reason of this.

    • As Salam wa alakum sister
      Please tell your husband what she's doing and show him the texts she sends you she's trying to hurt you deliberately do you have children yourself if no then if she's causing so much trouble and it's hard for you to handle it Islamicly you can divorce if you can't handle it anymore I really feel your pain and in sh Allah may Allah ease the pain you're having.

  30. Hi. I have read many comments just now about husband marrying second wife. I am not Muslim. I am Christian my husband is Muslim a d married before he met me to a Muslim woman when he lived in my country it was okay that we lived together without marriage I would have liked to marry him but because he already had a wife it was against our law for him to marry again he returned to his country and divorced his wife and we married. His ex wife made many problems us for the last four years. I would just like to add here that they have three children born before I met him. I did and do understand that this woman would feel angry and jealous about me and I am truly sorry for this. But, I know they never had love between them, however I do feel sorry for the kids. My husband lived away from them for 12 years in another country so they grew up not having a father when he returned he thought he could earn their love and respect but of course this did not happen
    To shorten my story my husband secretly remarried his ex wife while I was on holidays last year. I found out because two days ago she came to my house and told me he was her husband!
    I am still in shock. My husband lied to me. ....And I cannot forgive this.... He said we will divorce this week and he probable will but can I ever trust him again. I think not.... Will he marry her again the next time I return to my country for a holiday? I don't know?..... I am not rushing into anything. First because I have no money to start a life in my country and secondly even even though he has betrayed my trust in the worst way I do still love him. I don't tell him this and we now sleep in separate rooms. So my friends what are the answers There is no right or wrong answer to this situation I must make the decision my self and live with it. But I will take time to REALLY think about it as I will have to live with this decision for the rest of my life......go in peace.

    • what are u saying lynetta! if u think between them there was no LOVE than u are in a very big MISTAKE! if not, they wouldnt been married and they wouldnt been blessed with 3 kids. u destroyed a family for the sake of ur happiness. of course he will not leave his wife, even though they were separated by distance, physically separated, but love in the heart, especially the first love can never replaced the for a man. why are u saying that he betrayed YOU? he actually betrayed his first wife and his children for getting to marry you! you shouldve respected the first wife for letting go her husband and not say she was making problem for both of u, u were the one creating problems for her at first. remember problems in marriage is normal and they couldve faced it without u, but u just burdened the whole family.if u wouldve talked wisely with the first wife and respect her feelings, it wouldnt end up this way.

  31. OP: To shorten my story my husband secretly remarried his ex wife while I was on holidays last year. I found out because two days ago she came to my house and told me he was her husband!
    I am still in shock. My husband lied to me. ....And I cannot forgive this..

    Is there any Visa thing involved? Your husband and his wife may be playing some kind of games with you.

    • No there is no visa involved. She has used blackmail tactics to get him to remarry her. Eg. She said she would cut her throat. Said she was not Safe in the house with his brother. She says she is worried the brother will make advances towards her and her daughters. She now wants him to pay for a flat for her and the kids. We already give her £1200 every month. She wants my husband to sit with the families before the divorce and make the commitment to pay for her new flat. My husband does not want the kids to leave the family house. Both the daughters are getting married in August this year only leaving the 14 year old boy . He will come and live with his father. Should I go along with this and wait until after August for him to divorce her? It angers me so much that she makes all the rules. My husband now wants to wait until the girls marry.

  32. Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    I have not read all the replies but I tell you, Muslims are brothers and sisters.

    Prophet SAWW has said that none among you can be a Muslim if he/she doesnt like what he/she likes for himself.

    Marriage and Nikah in Islam is not like western concept of ZINAA where a man can have sex with lots of women without Nikah.

    Allah SWT has made it legal and Halal in Islam for a man to marry more than 1 woman.

    Marriage with another muslim woman who happens to be your sister is a valid and halal act. You must not leave your husband for merely doing something what is halal in the sight of Allah. I am amazed that people are sympathizing with a woman whose husband has got in Nikah another muslim woman or her sister.

    Allah SWT has told Prophet SAWW that whatever is made halal by Allah, Prophet SAWW even cant make it haram.

    Are you all Muslims who want to break the house of a happily married couple based on a halal act? What sort of westernized women you are who are concealing themselves in Islamic dress?

    Fear Allah and accept your husband as provider. As long as you are getting equal treatment, your husband is providing for the household, accept his act of second marriage.

    I must tell you that I am from Pakistan, living in the US and my parents were married for their entire life and my mother was only wife. But being a Muslim I submit my will to the orders of Allah and I am trying to tell you guys that you all can not be Muslim until you accept Islam wholeheartedly.

    Remember, at the end of the day, you are rewarded and punished based on your Islam. Denouncing a single order of Allah SWT would make you KAFIR.

    • salam brother. everything in this world has effects upon human actions wether good or bad. we have options in life and we make the decision. and everything that is halal doesnt mean that it wil not give bad effects to human, like talaq, it is halal, but it also may give bad effects to human. and second marriage, it is halal, but also may give bad effects to human. we human make the choice. islam does not force, it calls people to peace.

    • Polygyny is permitted to men in Islam. What is also permitted in Islam is if a woman does not want to be in a polygynous marriage, she has the right to divorce. If a man determines he can assume the responsibilities of a second, third or fourth wife and desires to have more than one wife, he has that right. But his wife has the right to divorce if she desires to be the only wife. It is not a matter of jealousy, envy or a woman accepting that her husband is adequately providing for her.

      it is a serious offense to say men can marry another wife "if they want to", but that if a woman chooses divorce "because she wants to" she is wrong or selfish. It is more grievous when a man lies about his status to the first or second wife. Marriage is based on a high degree of trust. If a man lies to his wife or wives, they can not trust him. It's not rocket science -- or even grade school math

    • You have missed the point. Lying to a woman about your marital status is haram. Lying to your present wife about another wife via omission of the facts is wrong is and haram. Not wanting to be in a polygamous marriage is not denouncing Allah's words. Your understanding of marriage, family life and basic human kindness within Islamic law is limited and troublesome. You are not an alim, a sheikh, a marriage counselor or may not even be married. Therefore be limited with your cruel and faulty advices about marriage and divorce. And by the way, divorce is permitted in Islam, just like polygamy is. Women were not put on this earth to suffer at the hands of their husbands, to be mistreated, to be discarded or ignored. Unlike many Desi and Arab men, the Prophet did not behave this way. It is so sad because so many men claim to be Sunni, yet fail miserably in behaving anything like our beloved Prophet did when it comes to being a good husband.

      • Lying inside the family for the sake of peace and reconciliation is not haraam. There is an authentic ahaadeeth about it. It's like saying to your wife "you are the most beautiful woman!" is not haraam.

        • Once again, another embarrassing, laughable response. Telling your wife you liked the rice and veggies when you did not is not the same as lying to her about another woman you are sleeping with. Your wife lies about spending an extra few dollars is not the same as her lying about maxing out the credit card. Please give everyone on this forum with a brain a break.

          How would you feel if your wife or her family "lied" to you about a relationship your wife had with someone else before she married you for the sake of peace? What if she lied to you that she thought you were lovable when in fact she could not stand to be around you? How is lying to your wife about another woman " for the sake of peace and reconciliation" ? If anything it will ruin whatever thread of dignity a man might have left.

          Your thinking and comment is indicative of the problems within the Muslim Ummah regarding marriage, the treatment of women and basic honesty. Lying about be married or not being married to someone is a serious sin. There are also authentic hadith that states there are no secret marriages in Islam. If a wife does not know her husband has another wife, then it is a secret. Did the Prophet and his dear companions live like this? Would you want your daughter to be treated in this manner. Would you want your daughter to be a secret second wife? A part of lie. What happens when children are born? Do you tell the children, "don't tell anyone me and your mother are married?"

          The argument that polygamy is halal is not the debate. So is slavery. So is beating a wife. So is divorce. The reality is that most men who lie about the second wife more than likely are shallow men who want another sex partner,. They are too cheap and selfish to divorce the first wife and do not want to assume the enormous responsibilities of truly caring for more than one wife. Few men can assume the responsibility and maturity required for one wife, much less two, three or four.

          Lying is lying. No woman wants her husband to lie to her about who he is sleeping with.

          • Umm Hussain,

            Look up a good Arabic explanation and translation of the word "nikaah". For example Lisaan ul-Arab or even The Arabic–English Lexicon by Edward William Lane.

            You will find, that "nikaah" means "sex". So marriage in Islam is a legal way of sexual relationship between a man and a woman. Nothing more nothing less.

            Look up "when is lying allowed in Islam" and you would find that there are situations where it is indeed allowed.

            My opinion or your opinion are irrelevant. Read what the scholars said, for example Ibnul Qayim, rahimahullah.

            Halaal is clear and haraam is clear.

          • In response to Abu Abdirrahman April 29, 2017 • 2:01 am comment:

            You are nominated as Husband of the Year. Just joking.

            Your analysis of marriage is superb. I sincerely hope you have some outstanding and unique personal skills in terms of your income, good looks or contacts. That is because no smart woman would want to be married to someone with your narrow understanding of what marriage is. It seems you lack even one romantic bone in your body, much less a heart.

            In the remote possibility that you are married, I hope you never lose your ability to provide, to perform sexually, get seriously ill or develop any more further mental health issues. Your wife may decide that the "contract" is null and void since you will not be able to perform according to the contract's terms and want to divorce you.

        • Salam Abu Abdirrahman,

          This lie isn't the same. You wouldn't want your wife to have four other husbands and then tell you she didn't tell you for the sake of peace. Or her sleeping with the neighbor while you're out to fulfill her desires but then says she has to keep the peace so you don't know.

          Also, you're not supposed to take secret lovers which is what you're doing if you don't tell her. She would not recognize the other woman as having any claim on inheritance because the other woman was never your wife in public. Nor would she recognize the children from that marriage having anything to do with you.

          By keeping the other woman secret, you cheat her and then cheat your wife because she doesn't even know where your funds are going.

          • Halal is clear and haraam is clear. Lovers are haraam. Marriage is halal.

          • Salam Abu Abdirrahman,

            Thanks for the reply, unfortunately it is coming down to interpretation at this point and it's not as haraam/halaal. I did look up the phrase you pointed out:

            ***
            Prophet Mohamed (pbuh) said: "Lying is not permitted except in three cases: a man speaking to his wife to make her happy; lying in times of war; and lying in order to reconcile between people." (Tirmidhi)
            ***

            I think you're applying the first case far too broadly. It's like saying you have herpes but you lied about it to your wife to keep her happy, even though afterwards she got herpes too and is unhappy. So hiding a second wife from the first isn't lying to make her happy. And I don't think on the day of judgement you could use it as a valid defense against hellfire. I think this would get applied to you and you would become liable:

            ***
            https://quran.com/2/42
            "And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know [it]."
            ***

            As for your other point that nikaah is just a license for sex in Islam it's quite more than that.

            This verse makes men maintainers of women. The whole wali process is a transfer of maintenance by the father of the girl to the groom.
            http://legacy.quran.com/4/34

            This verse points out that you gave a solemn pledge with girl so it's not like you just signed up for a sex license.
            http://legacy.quran.com/4/21

            This verse points out that you have to live with them in kindness.
            http://legacy.quran.com/4/19

            I'll stop here with the references but my point is that it's not just a license for sex. Marriage is a responsibility for the guy, a solemn vow, a transfer of maintenance from the father, and also yes, a mutual license for sex with the thought that chastity is being sought. Then beyond that there's the consequence of sex which is kids, maintaining bonds of family, fulfilling rights of others, inheritance and so forth.

            For you to go out and marry women with the thought that nikaah is no more than a sex license and that lying to women is ok as long as you can fulfill your lust and keep them happy, that's just going to put you in a very difficult position in the afterlife. I don't think you will be able to defend yourself when you are asked why you concealed the truth. I don't think you'd even be able to maintain them with justice by lying to them and there's a verse on that. My recommendation is to not conceal the truth, be upfront and tell your wife when you're marrying her that you intend to get another one. Save yourself from being liable. Salam.

    • I am not sure if you understand how a Muslim man should behave towards his wife. Did this man treat both wives equally? Did he lie to his wife? Did he deceive his wife and his family? If you answer these questions honestly you will know whether this man has committed a great sin, perhaps the greatest sin. May Allah protect you sister. Karim

  33. Everyone here is saying it's his right WHAT ABOUT HER RIGHTS she has a right to divorce him Islamicly if she can't cope with him having a second wife plus he lied to her and was dishonest she has every right to divorce him she's not in a healthy situation it says here on this website that she can divorce if she has a reason isn't Islam about equal rights it's not all about him already it's also about her and her situation who wants a lying and cheating husband no one people should stop being one sided.
    https://islamqa.info/en/452

    • When a man takes another woman for his wife without telling his fi st wife. He is a liar and a cheat! No other words for him. He uses the the Islamic words to justify his adultery
      He can divorce the first wife when Ever his wants if he is no longer happy with her
      so why not be honest and do this instead of sneaking behind his wife's back
      My husband did the same to me. Had all the excuses under the sun to try and justify what he did to me I gave him the choice to divorce her or me, whitch is more than he he gave me
      Happily I can say he has divorced her. Even though he has has divorced her it will take me a long long time to to trust him like I did before

      • Which woman will accept if her man came home and told her of his second marriage?? Or if he wanted to marry again and asked for her permission? Its very hard on the sister and its not a nice place to be in. But sister dont listen to all the above who have divorced their husbands without considering everything properly. Yes, islamically you have rights and you can go to the sharia and go for the divorce and you will both go your own ways. Ask yourself is this what you really want? You have 3 kids so think hard. Im not sitting here justifying his actions but please think hard and ultimately what is meant to have will happen. Why he didnt tell you? We all know no one would accept it. Why he did this, Allah nos best. The pen has written it all and the ink has dried. Was this girl meant to be in his life? Maybe yes. Principally he has done wrong but islamically he has not. Remember those who are broken dont like seeing things fixed. Its our duty to give positive advice and amend rather than ruining lives of not just your and your husbands but your kids. Allah show you and us all the righteous path and guide us towards what is best for us InshaAllah and may He reward you for your struggles in these tough times.

        • Your husband has lied to you for years. Divorce him. Apply for child support an some type of maintenance. When men are required to behave well towards the first wife and be responsible on a regular basis, then this fitna will end. The "be patient", "it is permissible", "you should think about it" rhetoric is just that: talk. Maybe men should start being more patient, more prayerful, more dutiful and increase their studying of Islam so they can truly understand their duties as husbands and fathers. Men who lie about a marriage are like adulterers. They are also liars. Manipulators and fooling themselves about their so-called rights and ignorant of what marriage and family life is. Men actually beat their wives and humiliate their wives for lesser infractions, like poor housekeeping or not agreeing with the husband over foolish matters. A man lies to his wife about another woman he is having sex with and people tell the wife to be patient? Another valid reason why Islam is under attack by non-Muslims. Would any of these men sit with the Prophet Muhammad and look at him and say they are doing this?

          • Sister Umm Hussain, I applaud you for your plain-speaking and brave response.

            Instead of telling women who have fallen victim to their husbands' lies, we need to educate MEN not to lie to and deceive the very women under their care.

            The issue here isn't polygamy. The issue is being lied to. I can't even pretend to know what the pain must be like. But it must make those women feel as though their entire marriage was a lie.

            Taking a second wife is halal. But lying is haram. And no one likes being made a fool of. If a man wishes to take a second wife he must at least have the courtesy to inform the first. Then she will be able to make a decision for herself whether to remain in that marriage or not. Patience is a virtue, but we must have a choice whether to exercise patience and remain in the marriage or choose the no lesser painful path of divorce, which also requires patience.

            None of the daughters of the Prophet saws were married to men who already had a wife. The Prophet saws refused the proposals of both Abu Bakr and Umar, who had asked for the hand of Fatimah RA. And they were the two best men of this ummah. He instead chose Ali RA as a son in law who was unmarried.

            None of the sons in law of the Prophet saws chose to marry a second time whilst being married to the Prophet's daughters. They knew this would hurt their wives and in turn the Prophet saws himself.

            When Ali RA decided to propose to the daughter of Abu Jahl, the Prophet saws PUBLICLY addressed the issue and asked Ali to divorce Fatimah RA should he wish to go ahead and take a second wife. Why did he not ask his daughter to exercise patience? Because he knew sometimes a woman just cannot do that. She cannot bear to share her husband with another woman and this isn't opposing what Allah swt has made halal. Otherwise Fatimah RA, the Queen of the women of Paradise, would not have opposed her husband taking a second wife and certainly her father would not have supported her.

  34. Bless you. I know I'm in the same situation. He's now decided to no longer support us mother of 3. Due to illness he's physically unable to have a sexual relationship with either of us. So I feel that I am no longer his wife, but I'm stuck unable to move my life forward. And this appears to be his revenge on me! I'm have to wait now to try and divorce on the grounds of abandonment but feel I'm at constant risk of him knocking on the front door. I'm heartbroken and Allah knows I have followed him for 35years supported his every wish. Now I'm cast aside, if the route to heaven is beneath my feet how can the father of my children cast me away like this?

    • M. Put your faith in Allah. Divorce your ridiculous husband. Let his family take him home and care for him. It is not your duty. You still have many years of life ahead of you, insha Allah, and you should make every effort to enjoy it. Don't become a broken bitter wife. Go back to school. Get a skill. Even if it is housekeeping or caring for a sick person. At least you will be appreciated, get paid for your work and earn some financial security for you and your children. They will also see you as a responsible person, not a victim. Your children are going to grow up in a few years. You do not want to be alone when they do not need you. Find out what resources are available to you and use them. Find another husband. There are older single men who definitely want an old fashioned type lady or an older new fashioned lady.

    • Assalamu Alaikom. Divorce the liar and hypocrite.

  35. true Allah Neva put us in a situation like that inshallah

    But She's in a bargaining position Rt now ... She should ask for all her Rights and win him over rather then throwing him in the other women's hand

  36. I see many silly comments on this topic by people who do not know better, under Islamic law the father MUST spend on his children regardless of wife or ex-wife's financial position, you people are willing to discuss hard topics about Islam without first learning the easy stuff, disappointed and I finally understand why this Ummah is so weak.

    • Very correct analysis. So many sincere Muslims have to constant spend time explaining away the bad behavior of so-called decent Muslim men who are in fact running a game on their own family members. In countries where women have total access to the courts, very few men consider lying their way into a secret second wife because they know the consequences will be child support, divorce, broken home, etc.

      One man I know explained to his first wife of two years that he wanted to marry a co-worker who was a bit older and had never married. The first wife had been raised being aware of polygamy and of a certain personality. She did not have a fairy tale view of marriage. She told her husband she was not begging Allah for her husband to have a new wife, but understood and she wanted for her sister what she wanted for herself. She told her husband he must abide by the rules of marriage with both her and his new wife, in terms of days, expenses and gift giving. The new wife was well off, had her own home and an excellent position. When she got pregnant, masha Allah, she had to have complete bed rest. The first wife suggested the husband spend as much time with the second wife caring for her like a good husband. He also was responsible to pay the second wife's maintenance which included a housekeeper. In less than three months he was exhausted, cranky, financially troubled and unhappy while afraid for his second wife as she was having a difficult pregnancy. He actually asked the first wife to help care for his second wife, although she lived in a different town from the second wife -- and this was not even her responsibility. He also asked the second wife to consider getting a smaller condo or selling her property because he did not want to spend all his money for her housing. The situation ended with some difficulty. The second wife lost her baby. And then she divorced her husband. The first wife also divorced the husband. Both women felt the husband was too self-centered and immature to be married to each of them.

  37. You should divorce him.There is no nice way to put it but if he truly loved you he would have divorced her. Same thing happened with my mom and we(my sister,me,her)suffered do much, I believe that it's wrong that a man in Islam can take another as a wife without the firsts permission. There's no easy way, but would you really lie to your kids about how great life's treating you and that you have a happy family? You can get a better start and maybe find a man who's worthy of you. And if you don't divorce him now youll never do it

    • I agree. I am a Muslim man and would never lie to and deceive my first wife in this way. I would fear the wrath of Almighty Allah who places lies and deceit high on the list of the very worst sins we can commit. Karim

  38. I loved a person who was already married.But now I am realising my mistake.I want him to go back with his married life ie his first married wife.so plz help me with this .Can you plz suggest a wazifa so that he starts loving his first wife and he should start hating me too.Need help

    • Some women believe the hype a married man uses. "My wife does not understand me" is the oldest one in the book. Single sisters, you should know that if a married man approaches you the first thing you should ask is if the present wife knows what he is doing. (I am still trying to figure out how a married man courts a single woman) Just as a woman will ask about the husband's personality and preferences, if the man is already married, she should also consider asking to have a meeting with the current wife and know her personality and preferences. I am certain that things will change quickly with most men if a second wife asks for this. I know of one man who actually had his sister fake being the first wife. Only thing is the sister told the potential second wife the truth, disgusted with her brother's lies. In reality most men want a "new" bed partner. They do not want the serious responsibilities that come with having another woman they are responsible for. Our beloved prophet said "do not be shy in matters of religion", so we should all not hesitate to be honest about men sneaking around with secret wives. This fitna is from shaitan, destroys trust between Muslims (the wife/wives and the husband) and usually ends in disaster where wives and chilldren suffer, not t the hands of non-believers, but by the person who promises to protect them.

  39. I shouldn't be advising on divorcing him but if you can't accept it, it's best to leave! Leave the children too, so they know what he did and so he has to live with the children And Realise too!!!

    Take your kids back later but make it hard for him and u also said he wasn't perfect from before right? Think wisely!

  40. Polygamy is permitted in Islam. However, lying to your spouse is not. Lying includes concealing the truth about important matters. What is more important to a woman than her marriage and family life? What if the husband has children with the secret second wife. Shouldn't the first set of children know who their siblings are? Would it be devastating for a family member, child or the wives to bump into one another and then discover the husband is one and the same?

    The rules of polygamy require the husband to treat his wives fairly? If the second wife knows her husband has another wife -- and the first wife does not -- something is seriously wrong. There is also the matter of sexually transmitted diseases. Every wife has the right to know she has some protection from being exposed to an STD; she can not if she doesn't know her husband has another sex partner.

    Deceit and distrust is from shaitan and destroys marriages. The idea that men (and as one writer ridiculously tried to justify, that Arab men in particular) have special needs is totally ridiculous and offensive, as if women do not have needs. Most women have the basic need of not being told lies by their husband.

    Men who fail to tell the wife of another wife is in plain language a philanderer, liar, punk, weak, failure of a man. If men are so capable, strong and able, can they not tell his wife he will marry another wife? Many men claim they do not want to hurt the first wife. That is pretty much a bold faced lie. They simply do not want the responsibility of dealing with the results of doing so: a heartbroken woman, scheduling, financial responsibilities, in-laws, etc. Many women do not have the sophistication of dealing with moral bums. But the "I don't want to hurt her" line is a weak reason, a line, a manipulation that some women buy into, when in fact the husband just wants a second sexual partner (usually younger, more energetic and having never had to clean up, pick up or put up with a deficient man). These women are the ones who believe the lies a man tells them. Do they have a wakil? Parents who are in agreement with such inappropriate marriage arrangements? What father or mother wants their daughter in an secret second marriage?

    If a man has a "secret" wife, this actually borders on adultery. The first wife has no knowledge of her husband having sex with another woman and that is ok? What woman wants to be a "secret" wife? So many people claim that polygamy is permissible in Islam. Yes it is. For the husband. Many fail to acknowledge that a wife has the right to NOT have to be in a polygamous relationship.

  41. As Salaamu Alaykum. My name is Jaiyana and I feel your pain. I am in similar situation. Yet my situation I ENDED IT before it went any further. He told me for 15 months he was NEVER MARRIED, and wanted me as his first wife. As time evolved, I too trusted him and believed him, and cried so much waiting for him to marry me. Excuses. Stupid excuses, until finally after 15 months, he was forced to speak the truth. He IS ALREADY married, and wanted me as his 2nd wife, yet marry secretly. I was disgusted by this and know what he has done is WRONG. He us wrong to do it to her, lie and cheat and wrong to lie to me. I have told him he must tell her CHEATED and LIED. I am so heartbroken from this.

    I am sorry for your pain Elham

  42. Not accepting second wife is more of an ego problem on the part of women than the fear of not having met nature's needs from men, including love and financial support. Another mistake women make out of ignorance is that they equate men to themselves in terms of emotional attachment, etc. Men have superb ability to mange their emotions and even love more than one woman at a time which is not possible for women by design of nature.
    Nature has created man as polygamous by design and woman as monogamous. If a man restricts himself to one wife, he has to struggle internally a lot to keep himself restricted to one wife, but that is not the case with women. They are at awesome ease in doing that. Indeed, a woman will get disturbed internally if she tries to emotionally attach to two man. That is not the case with men; rather they feel inner urge to extend the range of their relationships up to their capacity and the majority would like to settle for two.

    If women do not make the second marriage an ego problem, this world would be a happier place. And also no man would dare to tease and torture woman on the fear of losing her because she would have options to become wife of a man kind and loving to her - no matter being a second wife.

    • Salam Rehan,

      What you're saying isn't true. In other cultures women do love and get two or more husbands. They are capable of loving more than one guy at a time. There are many women who are monogamous that had a previous love and still love both their current husband as well as their guys from the past. There are some people in the US that are "polyamorous" and there are women that have two husbands and are very happy with both of them.

      As for the ego problem it really isn't that. Culture raises men and women to believe that being loved is to be special. When a woman chooses that one man he is special to her. For her to then choose another man at the same time would mean that he isn't that special but there is another man she also considers special. Similarly, this is the loss women go through when their husband marries another woman. He used to say, "I love you and I would do anything for you..." And now he says, "I love you and I would do anything for you... when it is your night and I'm not with the other girl I love and would do anything for."

      The other thing women go through is the feeling of half a divorce. They used to get 100% of the attention for their kids and themselves, and now they just get 50%. The guy is just not there half the time now. Plus, men are supposed to be protectors of women but now that wife is only protected half the time. The other half of the time she's with the kids alone, her guy is with another girl, and if someone with bad intentions were to come knocking she would have to deal with it.

      Getting married and then having your husband get another wife creates a bigger sense of loss. When she married the guy he married with his value at full, claiming that he will provide a certain lifestyle. And that got him a certain quality of wife. If he had presented himself as someone that would only be there half the time and provided only half the money then he would get a different quality of wife. And for guys that are interested in that, please do it upfront. You will then get two lesser quality women, women that are having difficulty getting married for various reasons.

      Now, there is another condition where women may be fine with their husband marrying another woman. And that condition is that they value the other woman a lot. The wife makes the sacrifice that she will give up half her wealth from her husband, his love, his time, and the time to both their kids, so that another woman doesn't end up alone. In such a deal the guy gets more worldly gain as he has kids from two women and he has two women, assuming he likes the arrangement. And I would expect the woman to get more gain in the afterlife as she is making a big sacrifice.

      Now there are some people that say the woman has no say as to whether her husband gets a second wife. That's not really true in practice. The wedding must be public so she must be aware that it's happening. She is also entitled to a divorce if she feels she cannot stay within the limits ordained by Allah. So eventually the guy will be back down to just one wife. So my recommendation is that if a guy really wants two wives please say that upfront. It will increase the chance that he will get to keep both wives.

      • And what about the man’s sacrifice? Or is it only we Muslim men who do not have to suffer from a partner who deceives and lies? Karim

    • Rehan. Are you 12? Maybe 20? I do not mean to insult you, but your response is simply offensive and another reason why people searching for answers to their problems should often limit themselves to Professionals. You ridiculously blame women for not wanting their husband to take a second wife with a laughable explanation about womens' psychology and men's sexual makeup. I suppose the emotional makeup of most women is not of any consideration. Or are you another limited person who values a man's feelings and mentality over a woman's. None of us have rank over the other simply based on our gender. We are all servants of Allah and all of us deserve to be treated with respect.

      Most people in general, men and women, enter into a marriage understanding that trust and respect a great necessity in any relationship especially marriage. Not accepting polygamy -- or in this case a man lying and cheating with both women he is married to (since the first wife does not know about the other) is the right of any Muslim woman. Muslim men have the right to have up to four wives. Muslim women have the right NOT to be one of four wives. Why is this right so rarely discussed or emphasized. Even the Prophet discouraged Ali from considering polygamy when Ali had the opportunity to marry another woman. And the Prophet Muhammad himself was married to only Khadijah for 25 years until her death and still sorely missed her years later.

      Some women may be accepting of polygamy and some women will not. It is not an "ego" thing for a woman to be wanted and loved by her husband 100%. Polygamy was conditional and permissible for the Muslims, primarily because of political conditions, war, and other social constructs that leave the population imbalanced with more women than men. Polygamy also comes with obligations and rules. A man lying to his wife, even by omission and sneaking around in a "fasit" marriage with another woman is not part of the Sunnah.

    • Really? So what men have told you this? I am an English Muslim convert to Islam and I have no desire to take a second wife or to deceive my first wife. What about the rights of women to do the same or do you feel that women should not have equal rights? I find your comments regarding men insulting to men. It is sexist. Karim

  43. Salam
    I dont know how you fell but i do know if i were in your situation i would divorce him . a man will never share his woman with anyone so why they expect us to share them . Make you own deceisions nobody has the right to tell you what to do but whatever deceision you made be happy with it and move on and live your life best of luck

  44. Sister what happened??? I'm in the same situation. My husband has cheated me for 4 years. I just come to know he's been married to her and has a child. My feelings are the same.

  45. My dear sister...I have found myself in the same situation. I am British and he is from turkey...we married in his country and when I came back to England I applied for a spouse visa to bring him over here. I have been married before and have two children but am unable to have anymore. He knew this and said he didn't want any as he considered my children as his own. It took 5 years of me paying for lawyers and going to court 3 times. Eventually he got his visa while doing his army service. As soon as he came out of the army I got his ticket for him to come. I made all preparations for his arrival and told him to only bring himself as I had bought him everything he would need. He came but for a long time we had problems. Lack of intimacy being the biggest problem. I sat and spoke to him many times. I asked him if there was anyone else in his life and if there was then he was allowed to divorce me. I said I could not force him to stay but he insisted that there wasn't anyone. Prior to this, while he was in turkey I asked his father if he married anyone but he swore in allahs name he hadn't. Anyway...after about a year of being here he wanted to go home for 10 days and I asked why the rush? He said he missed his family so I suggested we go together but he said we can go another time. He went. Now almost a year later I found out that his family married him to a family member and has had two sons. You can imagine how I felt. When my sister in law told him over the phone (he asked her to tell me) I dropped to the floor. My whole world was shattered. He insisted that it is me he loves and that when he went for 10 days it was to finish with her. Apparently he told her and his family that when he gets his visa he's leaving to be with me. But he got his visa while in the army but was still intimate with her and she fell pregnant with their second son. I feel he only told me because his other wife threatened to tell me which she did after he told me. His parents don't want her as she was rude and disrespectful to them all the time. In my heart I believe that he only finished with her because of her actions otherwise had she been a lovely pious woman I would still be none the wiser. At one point he said he married her to have children but never loved her. Now he isn't interested in the boys either to which I said then it was all for nothing...I can't forgive him. I have seen their wedding pictures and their selfies together and photos of the boys. She apparently told his family that she was going to destroy our marriage but to me it's my husband that destroyed both out marriage and my world. My sister in law and my husband said that his father forced him to marry saying that I lied about trying to bring him over and the neighbors were saying I used him to have a holiday there. While I was there I had my own money. I trusted him more than I trusted myself. I loved him so much that for the 5 years we were apart I cried almost every night praying for him to get his visa. While I was running around with lawyers and courts, crying and praising him he was in the arms of another woman. I also told him before we got married that if he ever took a second wife I would not make halal my love for him. I feel that every day I am dying. I cry every day and can not concentrate on anything.

    • Sister, being lied to, cheated on or betrayed is devastating. However, you have the courts on your side. You probably have good health and perhaps family and friends. Tell your husband to leave. Make every effort to remove him from your life. He does not deserve a dedicated, sincere woman like you. Do not depend on his family for one minute. They knew about the other wife and kept it from you. Citizenship in Europe or the US is like having a gold mine. Or water if you are in the desert Concentrate on the blessings you do have -- like having a brain, and good health and move on taking it one day at a time. But keeping your lying husband far from you. Count your blessings you have no children with him. Sell his possessions to offset your legal fees. Go to the citizenship offices and notify them you have been lied to. You owe this liar nothing. His behavior is similar to committing adultery which by the way would end a marriage immediately. You don't owe this man a crumb. Move on. Protect yourself and your children from any more heartache. I know it is hard now, but each day you will get stronger. The man is like a virus. But when you take your medicine, each day you grow stronger. This message is also for any other woman who has been lied to. Don't fall for the "I am sorry." Get a good lawyer and protect yourselves from liars, cheats, philanderers who only think of themselves.

      • Has this man lied, deceived, been hypocritical. Then these are three of the worst sins we as Muslims can commit. I agree with Fareed.

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