Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Heartbroken! He loves me but won’t marry me if I stay shia!

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"We met on a social network site..."

2 and a half years ago, I was 22 and met a boy on Facebook. I am from a shia Iraqi background and he is Palestinian sunni. We started talking and he immediately started to flirt with me and spoil me with compliments. Being a sensitive and emotional girl that I am, I fell for it and started to develop feelings for him. He used to talk about us getting married and I got attached to that idea. He was the sweetest man for the first 6 months and then he started to develop mood swings, and break up with me whenever he would be stressed out. He hurt me a lot the first year and a half. He would make excuses that he couldn't marry me because of his financial situation and I developed a lot of stress/depression because of it. When the war in Syria started, he started to become very extreme in his religious views and started labelling shias as kafirs and call them dogs and what not...This would hurt a lot because of what my family is. More and more, he would start to shock me with things that he would say like I hope Israel wipes Iran off the face of this earth and he would never mention shias without adding something like "May Allah (swt) curse them". What would shock me the most is his unconditional support for Saddam the brutal tyrant, who has executed my uncle 30 years ago and was very brutal to my family in Iraq.
He shows no sympathy to this fact and continues praising Saddam.
You might be wondering how a shia girl and sunni boy started talking in the first place, well it's because I have always been a pretty liberal shia girl and was raised in a sunni school so I had very open views and didn't mind raising my kids sunni and living the sunni lifestyle. I believe we are one and it is the same religion. However, lately I have really started reading into history and my faith is more instilled in the shia school of thought. He sensed I am becoming more shia and would become very explosive if I tell him "I would like to wipe my feet for wudhu' as the Qur'an orders". I am shia but I only make du'a to Allah (swt) and only call on "Ya Allah". I believe Tawheed is the essence of our faith. For this reason, I see no reason why sunnis and shias can't coexist. If I say something like "It is so sad that these Bahraini protesters are getting killed" he would start calling me shia. If he says something like "I hope the jews kill all iranians", I always get very shocked at that statement (I find it immoral for anyone to say that), he would accuse me of being shia. He mixes politics with religion and I am so tired of being called shia, I am MUSLIM before all and only want to serve Allah (swt).
Everytime he breaks up with me because he feels I am becoming too shia, I beg him not to leave me and agree to be sunni. I can't voice my true views with him and I realize we have different mentalities. But I can't leave him, I start to miss him immediately after we break up and start to feel suicidal. He also is very attached to me and loves me very much. I just can't picture a happy future for us because he is very strict and becomes explosive if I show love to my country. He recently told me I am forbidden to ever go to Iraq, my country after we get married because it is a "shia" country. Even though, he knows my father is buried there leaving a big piece of my heart in Iraq. I agree with him on the fact that a woman shouldn't travel alone but he refuses to ever travel there with me because there are shias there.
He has just called my mom to propose and my mom is thinking about the matter. She is ready to say yes because she doesn't really know the guy and trusts my judgement. I wanna say yes and finally be his wife and be happy with him. Something is holding me back: fear.
I don't know what to do, I don't want us to break up, I can't picture him married with a girl from his country. I get crazy jealous and hurt just thinking about it. I don't want another girl to make him happy. But I don't see us happy together in the future as well. I know love won't solve all problems in a marriage. If we both came from same country and same sect, we would have 0 problems as we already get along so well and we really truly love each other.
I don't know what to do, his political views scare me..I can't understand how anyone could support a killer like Saddam, especially when he knows how this man hurt my family. I can't understand how he can separate me from my country, I only plan on visiting my country like every few years.
He will detach me from my family roots if we get married.
At the same time, if we don't get married, his mother will be happy and his family and friends will tell him "good thing you left that shia girl" and they will make him feel good about his decision. The thought of that hurts me and the thought of him with a girl from his country kills me. I have refused maybe 10 marriage proposals until now because I was waiting for him.
Sometimes I feel he loves his dignity and honor more than he loves me.
I am already such a weak girl and so sensitive, I can't handle our breakup for a minor issue such as this, especially when there are so many arabs marrying non arabs and muslims marrying christians and jews....if they can make it work, why can't we? We are both arabs and muslim.
I am so torn.

If we separate now before marriage, will we still be able to get married in the akhira?

- roro


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister. Your way of approaching a non-mahram is totally un-islamic. Infact i am surprised that how you can trust a person whom you have not met or seen before. what if that guy is having a fake ID and is actually a 60 year old man! what if that guy is not even a muslim! because form his way of talking it seems that he is an anti Palastine, anti-Islamic miscreant! Think over it once again.

  2. Assalamu alaikum sis roro,
    Wat u experiencing now is just feeling, everyone who are attached n love someone will feel the same way as u feel now if they break up. But u knw u cant leave ur whole life pleasing ur partner always. Relationship must be give n take. Dont be so overwhelmed with wat ur feelings towards him, think right for ur future.
    And about shia n sunni thing i really dont knw much, as far as i learn we are only muslims not a shia not sunni. And we believe only in one God Allah.
    If i were u i will just reconsider my decision n set aside my feelings. There are a lot of good muslim guy out there. Insha Allah things get better for u. Ask Allahs guidance always.

  3. can you just imagine???

  4. look, i advice you to forget about this guy. if what you say about this guy is tue, then i must tell you that you would deeply regret it in the near future if you marry him

  5. this post really hurt me alot, what kind of weak girl are you?. why would keep on loving and sticken to someone that is that is showing you disrespect and hate like this??

    you said he is a palestinian, and he is yearning for isreal to destroy iran. can you just imagine? in fact am speechless... but what kind of... of a palestinian is that. meaning if he is to side with anybody, he rather side with the jews (that are killing them day by day, chasing them out of there lands and occupying there teritories) than for him to side with the iranians muslims just because they are shias.

    it grieve the iranians to see how israel is brutalizing the palestinians, and they are even supporting the palestinians in the fight against israel. because they beleive that the palestinians are there muslim brothers..

    this disunity among this muslim ummah would never yield any positive result. it will only weeken the ummah, and the kaffirs would continue to use this weekness to dominate the muslims and rule over the world.

  6. The issue of Sunni vs. Shi'ah is besides the point. The fact is that this man is verbally abusive, disrespectful of your family and your nationality, and insensitive to your feelings. He is also politically extreme and radical.

    Someone who constantly threatens to break up with you, tells you he will bar you from visiting your home country, etc, is no good. This man is controlling and self-centered.

    The best thing to do is to stop your communication with him. It may be difficult, but in time your feelings will dissipate and you can marry someone else, Insha'Allah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Sister roro,

    While reading your post, I felt like you were confused, perplexed, upset, insecure and so on. These are not the type of feelings one should feel while contemplating marriage. You met him via social media. Really? If you want to consider a person for marriage then the first thing you should've done was to get your parents involved, especially your dad. Parents on both sides should meet and discuss things with one another. And then you'll be asked about your opinion of the future suitor, and so on. But it sounds like here, that you started a relationship without your parents knowledge. This is wrong. You got emotionally involved with a complete stranger. This is wrong. You didn't inform your farther nor a mahram about your situation. This is wrong, again.

    I don't know much about Shia, nor Palestine, nor Palestinians, nor Iraq nor Iraqis, but I do know that you got yourself involved with THE WRONG PERSON by communicating with him in THE WRONG WAY. All the signs of this so called relationship of yours, is pointing you into THE WRONG DIRECTION.

    Lisa

  8. Oh dear. Being shia and Iranian myself this post really angered me a lot.

    Sister, how can you let ANYONE disrespect you like this? Stop playing victim and stop telling yourself that you're weak and use it as an excuse to tolerate a relationship that not only isn't right, but also very haram. Believe me, Sunni/shia relationships do NOT have to be packed with tensions and disrespect - my father is Sunni Muslim and my mother is Shia Muslim, and they've been happily and RESPECTFULLY married for almost 30 years. My dad sometimes goes with my mother's family to the Hussainiya and attend Ashura gatherings with them, my parents can peacefully discuss religious and political matters and my mother is mostly friends with Sunni women...they respect each other's differences, and that's how a marriage should be like.

    You need to get married to a guy who isn't necessarily Shia, but someone who respects your faith, you, your family and your family history. Seriously, he almost can't disrespect you more than he already is.

    Also, believe me, this is just the beginning. When you're married he'll get even worse; start using your Shiismen to beat you, to control you, to brain wash you (he already is doing that). He's not a good guy, and it sounds like he comes from a family that doesn't even like you. So why be part of it? Cut contact to this person and focus on strengthening your iman and your personality. Don't be such a door mat. Where is your father? Why don't you tell him about everything this guy has told you and see if he'll even give his daughhter away to such a intolerant, aggressive person.

    • Sister Adina, just a remark - sister roro tells us in her post that her father passed away and buried in Iraq.
      I totally support sister Lisa's and your responses.

      Salams

  9. Firstly,

    what you did by forming a relationship with him outside the framework of marriage is not permissible in Islam. You need to sincerely repent to Allah for doing this.

    Secondly,

    I do not know how much healthy can your marriage be if you keep having debates even after marriage.

    Thirdly,

    Prophet Muhammed (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:

    “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and great mischief.”

    They said: O Messenger of Allaah, even if he is such and such?

    He said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him,” three times.
    Classed as hasan by al-Albaani. [ al-Tirmidhi (1085)]

    How is his religious commitment and character ? do not compromise these two things.

    Fourthy,

    If you are having an intention to marry him then perform salatul isikhara,

    islamawareness(dot)net/Dua/Fortress/026.html <- go through this [replace (dot) by . in the link and paste and search in the browser]

    Fifthly,
    pay attention to this hadith.
    Muhammed (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:

    “The Jews were divided into seventy-one sects, one of which is in Paradise and seventy are in the Fire.

    The Christians were divided into seventy-two sects, seventy-one of which are in the Fire and one is in Paradise.

    By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, my Ummah will be divided into seventy-three sects, one of which will be in Paradise and seventy-two will be in the Fire.”

    It was said, O Messenger of Allaah, who are they? He said, “Al-Jamaa’ah.”

    Sunan Ibn Maajah, no. 3982.

    What is meant by al-Jamaa’ah is the ‘aqeedah and actions of the Muhammed (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) and his Companions.

    Once this is understood, the saved and victorious group is one and it is the group that adheres to the Qur’aan and Sunnah inwardly and outwardly.

    I have to be truthful . You have to learn about Islam from authentic sources.
    when you spoke about Tawheed . I felt good about it. BarakAllahu feek.

    a book for you and your family from your brother in Islam -> kalamullah(dot)com/Books/kitab_ut_tawheed.pdf
    [replace (dot) by . in the link and paste and search in the browser]

    and also bookmark and go through this link..

    abdurrahman(dot)org/ [replace (dot) by . in the link and paste and search in the browser]
    _________________
    May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  10. Sister the attatchment you have is just emotions, put it aside, shia and sunni there all muslim in my point. So but if i were you since i know how palestinans are since im from there I dont know if theyll accept someone from iraq? Have him ask his family about you what do they say? I know well for my family the whole another country thing is something that rarely goes on, and i am not trying to be mean I just dont want you wasting your time cause what if complications like that arise, just cut him off completely because it sounds like hell always put you down when your married I dont know do you want someone like that? Dont accept anyone, just follow the deen and inshallah allah will bless you with the best guy, goodluck sister dont worry make the whole of your love for this man fill it with allahs love and compassion and inshallah you wont need a guy to make you happy, cause im the same way and im working on that you know we all have flaws and I mess up every now and then but we have to try our best and dont worry about this one guy theres so many sister really, you deserve the best!:)

  11. Dear sister,

    I really don't know what to say. Honestly I have no knowledge about that Shia/Sunni  politics, but I can give my opinions about the life you may get if you married that man. 

    If he is that really against Shia then why he keeping touch with you and showing you dreams! 

    Anyways  did you meet him face to face? How do you know he is telling the truth about himself and family? sister marriage is a big chapter in part of life you have to be brave and claver specially so called "internet relation". You need to involve your elder before steeping on your own decision. 

    His wants you commitment before  marriage with the issue which is totally arrogant, and not a sign of a good person. Who on earth want to get married with a person who won't allow to visit homeland even family. I can guarantee he will not allow you to even call your mother or other relatives. Can you stay this kind of marriage? Ask yourself! Ask him to imagine if his sister fall this kind of situation how they will feel!

    In your post you said "if we don't get married, his mother will be happy and his family and friends will tell him "good thing you left that shia girl".

    Well sister by this it's clear it will be very very or I shall say extremely hard to keep good relation with your inlaws specially your mother on law. In your post sound like they are not actually really supporting his choice or decision. Even if you get married be prepared to face tough time, patient, brave, and courage to digest. I might be wrong but to me sound like they will be hard on you or maybe not but best to think both side so that you won't be shock. 

    To me i don't think you will be happy with this marriage. Just think the commitment he wants from you will you be happy or not!  All over it's best to do ishtikhara before you step another decision.   

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