Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help – 16, Hypersexual and Hopeless

Woman alone

Asalaamu Alaikum All,

I am a 16 year old girl. My problem...well, you can see by the title.

It is taking over my life. Not once can I go out in public and see a group of the opposite gender without getting turned on. I really need help as my family will kill me if they find out about this. I was raised in an environment where sex = unspeakable topic.

My parents never educated me about it, I had to learn on my own / through school, which is obviously worse. Anyways, this sex addiction is taking over my life. Whenever I have a crush on someone i purposely fantasize and get pleasure/feelings from it, which I know is very very haraam as this is basically the exact same thing as masturbation (something I was addicted to when I was 11 years old up until a couple years ago.) When I was younger I used to masturbate almost every single day for 2 years. I can't stop now, its addictive. I spend most of my free time imagining this kind of sexual stuff and it sickens me afterwards, when the temporary pleasure/happiness ceases and I am left feeling empty, worn-out, and disgusting.

I am starting to get Paraphilic desires, which is terrifying me because I don't want to harm a child or do something that is very haraam and abominable. So I am stuck. I masturbate to calm the urges down and prevent myself from acting on these feelings. These desires are taking over my life.

I get excited wayyyy to easily, its actually very abnormal. Just by thought it comes to me and I know that is haraam. I don't know what to do....what if I get engaged to someone in the future when im older and start getting these thoughts and feelings about them,,, which would be very bad because it would mean i did something impure before marriage.

I am a very shy girl, how do I talk to the doctor without saying something that sounds weird, creepy, embarrassing?? I dont wanna make the dr uncomfortable. How do I bring it up? What exactly do I say? I need to talk to a doctor because I am gonna have to start taking medication for this hypersexuality. I do not want my parents to know about this so I will speak to the doctor in private and figure something out so that my parents don't know.

Please help!!! These urges are taking over my life!

qh

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11 Responses »

  1. Hi yes it does sound abnormal. Two things that you can do. 1. Speak to a psychologist / therapist and maybe it’s more of a psychological thing. And 2. Well it sounds like u have a Jinn with u who is making u do and feel these things. So if you don’t pray already pray 5 times a day and spend time in ur prayer. Also recite the kuls often. And lastly see a Raki. A Raki is a spiritual person who recites the Quran to get rid of the Jinn. If you go on to YouTube and research TIM HUMBLE or Abu ibraheem husnain. Both have good videos on Rukya, and Jinn stuff.
    Also recite Quran ur self and listen to Surah bakarah at least every three days. Make dua for a Allah to make u better.

  2. You need to relax. It sounds like your family is extremely conservative and borderline sexphobes. And that their fearful and hostile sentiments about sex and sexuality has given you a serious complexes about being, well, a normal human being. It's NORMAL to have crushes and sexual desires, especially at your age. It's NOT haram to have these feelings, where on Earth did you learn that from? Having feelings and desires is NOT the same as committing zina, either! Zina is when you act upon your feelings outside the bond of marriage - as long as you don't do that, you are not doing anything wrong, my friend.

    Please don't think you are abnormal - I can guarantee you're not the only 16 year old that constantly has the opposite gender and sex on their mind, lol. You are at an age where your hormones are raging, and your body is still developing...you can't avoid it, so it's much better for your peace of mind to just accept that what you are feeling is something every adult has gone through, and something every young person WILL go through.

    • asalaamu alaikum

      thank you so much sister. the problem is that the feelings themselves are not normal -- i get that arousal is a normal part of puberty/growing up, but i get full-on Org*sm just by thought. This literally happens EVERY time i fantasize and purpopsely call certain sexual thoughts to mind. i just dont know how to even bring it up to my doctor. im so scared because i dont know how to go about it without the specialist becoming disturbed by my confessions 🙁

      • May I ask you to describe what an orgasm is in your book? Just to be sure we're talking about the same thing :).

        If you indeed get orgasms involuntarily, and often, you may be suffering from a medical condition that should be treated or somehow managed. You shouldn't feel ashamed about it, a doctor is a professional that will understand you and not judge you at all.

        As for your family...as a 16 year old, I'd say you are old enough to go to the doctor by yourself and keep certain parts of yourself a bit more private. I had to see a gynaecologist when I was 17 and I didn't feel a need to tell my mum or dad about it. Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to. It's okay to keep certain things just to yourself, if that's what you want to do :).

        • Oh my goodness -- thank you so much sister. You really put me more at ease about this whole thing.

          Yeah, I know I shouldn't have done this as it was probably not the most islamic thing to do, but I looked it up to know if what I was experiencing was an actual O**. From what was described online (female feelings not male feelings) it is definitely what I experience when this happens.

          Jazaakillah Sister <3

  3. Aside from the advices above, I'd suggest writing down (as you have done) your problem, and taking it to the female (preferably Muslim) doctor (or a psychologist on referral). Non-Muslim doctors and psychologists may work on the notion that masturbating and hyper-sexualisation are a norm, especially for teens, so it's imperative you find someone religiously or culturally sensitive to the issue. Especially if you have concerns regarding paraphilic thoughts.

    Islamic psychology works on training the self of an individual, working on the mind, heart and physical element of the human, by mastering the self, habituating it towards praiseworthy qualities and traits, and shedding blameworthy habits (whether secret or public)...

    ...If you haven't already immersed yourself in learning about Islam, whom your Lord is, what is entailed of belief, then I suggest you learn this, with sincerity, focus and in depth. This will enlighten your mind, busy and distract you from prohibited thoughts that are taking over your life.

    ..Begin to pray your salah, and observe your obligatory acts of worship (and if you have the strength, perform additional sunnahs too) as Allah loves those whom submit to His commands and He is worthy of your praise and worship as well as you need Him and He will never leave you to fend for yourself.

    ..Know, that everything is life is a test. Your upbringing, the addictions you have, these are a test from Allah. How you react in times of difficulty and trails will determine your character. Strive to be a person of resolve, be being resolute not to return to these sins, EVEN IF you fall short, keep renewing your resolution to stop, as Allah loves the oft repentant.

    ..FAST. Yes, if you don't do this already, know it was an instruction from the Prophet pbuh. If fasted properly, it will reduce your sexual desires. Start small and build up strength. If you're immersing yourself in the thought of Allah during this period, you will see a noticeable change in yourself.

    ..Lower your gaze, it's a command from Allah. And the believer hears the command and obeys. If you see any man, just strive to lower your gaze, ie do not look back at him/them. This is something only you can control and again, with the thought of Allah and His All-Seeing vision on your mind, this should be enough to distract you from looking at men whom you find attractive.

    ..As for your paraphilic desires that you claim, if you are indeed getting these, then know you are on a serious road of decline and if you don't take a stance now, you risk causing harm, either to yourself or worse to someone else. My suggestion..if you are viewing material in private, through devices such as your computer/ laptop/ smartphone, ditch these devices. indeed, many will argue that they can be used for good also, but if you are already experiencing problems, these things only facilitate your problems, especially in private. Park the phone, laptop, computer, unplug yourself from the internet and television. Take a break from these things, and go somewhere where you are not inundated with images of people. Do this often, coupled with the thought of your Lord, and I believe you will begin the process of recovery In Sha Allah.

    Try to strengthen your relationship with your parents, by being transparent with them (but concealing your sins). By doing this, you will be (1) fulfilling an obligation towards your parents and (2) you will be setting up a trusting relationship where you will be able to confide in them in matters that may assist you later. You are young, I don't suggest marriage as a solution for you right now, but in a short period of time, it will be an option, but before it becomes an option, exhaust all the means possible to master your nafs (self). Marriage will only be another challenge and for an already fragile person, it could either make or break you.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPELaNT3aqM

    I suggest listening to the above series on Breaking the Two Desires, of the Tongue and the Private Parts. It's a reading and explanation of a chapter from Imam Ghazali's book.

    I pray you find this useful. May Allah help you through this long process of recovery. Ameen.

    Asalaamu Alaikum.

  4. Hi,

    It sounds like it could be physiological, you should try going to a female Muslim doctor or psychologist. Allah helps those who help themselves. It would be uncomfortable to explain these things, but since you need help you have to develop this courage. It's not haraam to go to a doctor for something like this. Also it's better for your sanity. There are hormonal issues which could easily be dealt with which is affecting your life and your aakhirath ... please pray n have the courage to seek help. Allah will help you inshallah.

  5. You should tell about your marriage to your parents. Body needs are of every human being, but you have to control yourself. You said that if you are attracted to seeing the opposite sex then you have to avoid this and never do a haram. Muslim Girl can marry only a Muslim boy, "The Quran says do not marry with nonmuslims" stay away from Kafir and Mushrik boys

    Take care of your parents' respect

  6. Trust me tell this to your parents. Sometimes people might want to exploit or black mail you if you do not tell your parents. Just talk to them.

  7. Trust me sister, the majority of guys are like this naturally and pray they get a woman who thinks like you. You will have an amazing husband inshallah who you will be able to have all the times you need. you just need to control yourself for a few more years and trust that Allah created you this way for a reason. Now your hormones are an awful thing, when you get married it will be an amazing advantage and a blessing for your husband

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