Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help a sister out, please?

Woman alone

Hi everyone,

I am a 20 year old muslima. I have been sexually and emotionally abused by my father for 12 years. It really took a toll on me emotionally, i have been crying myself to sleep and stressed since i was 6 years old(when it started).I have always tried to be the best daughter i could be and a rolemodel for my little brothers and sisters...I had the best marks in school, yet i felt like I was never good enough. It felt like my parents were never proud of me and so i did everything to get their attention. I tried to do even better in school, in the quranschool, help other kids out, go to the friday prayers with my mom and my mom got a lot of compliments from other women. That caused a lot of 'ayn(evil eye). I had a lot of friends, i participated in different competitions(theatre,quran competition, spelling competition, public speaking competition,etc.) and i did very well in all of them, but everytime i looked in the mirror, i couldn't help but feel broken and sad. In primary school and the first years of secondary school, when i was sad, i went to a river nearby my house and gave myself a peptalk, so that i had enough strength to continue.

At one point i collected all my courage and told my mom what had been going on with my dad and that i felt so bad that i wanted to commit suicide, but i told her I know that Allah would be mad at me if i would do that. I also told her that i felt like I did something wrong to deserve it, why can you guys love my brothers and sisters without them paying such a high prize as me for you guys love and care? I am being better than them i said, why don't you guys see me? why don't you feel my pain as my mother? My mom was very shocked and she told me she would talk to my dad and that everything would stop...

My dad apologised that night and a few days later, he asked me to go get a coffee together so we could talk about everything and so we did... He started intimidating and threatening me when we were alone. He said: What did you expect when you told your mom? It's your word against mine...I thought you were smarter than that....I am your father i would never hurt you...As a daughter you should be obedient to your parents and so on, which made me very conflicted...

I felt like I was not part of the family, like they could be perfectly happy without me... Like I didn't really have a home... Like everybody else had parents that protect them against all evil in the world, but that me, My OWN dad was hurting me and my mom she was abandoning me( she didn't know how to deal with the situation so she was busy with my brothers and sisters all the time and told me to stay away from my dad, threaten him if he did something but i was a child that was scared from him so i couldn't even say no to him let alone threaten him) I just prayed to Allah, The Allmighty, The Creator....

Anyways towards the end of the secondary school(when i was 15 till 18) I fell into a depression, I didn't feel like waking up and starting my day... I couldn't sleep at night, I was constantly thinking.I started medical school in uni and moved into a dorm(at that moment the abuse stopped cuz i moved away), i made some new friends, my grades were good, but i still had a sleeping problem, i was constantly scared at night when i was alone, I had flashbacks,I felt very lonely... I stopped praying, I was constantly in my head, I constantly made up excuses when my friends wanted to do stuff. I had to cry at random moments, i was very angry....

One friday i was back home for the weekend and my parents told me there was a boy that asked my hand in marriage and that they liked him very much, so he would come and talk to me. They said no obligations, talk to him, if you like him=> great, if you don't => no problem. So he came, we talked and I was not attracted to him at all, he was very shy and with my history i felt like i needed someone eloquent to keep me distracted from all my problems and thoughts. I told him that I was not ready for marriage(I was 18 and just went out of that abuse), but offcourse i didn't tell him about the abuse(i was ashamed and felt like damaged goods). At that moment I was talking to a boy in KSA( we had a good click and it was long distance so i was safe from physical contact)I was really attached to that boy, because he always made me laugh, told me stories,was friends with my cousins there, so we all skyped every friday evening, he gave me an escape from my reality here. MY parents told me i had to break all contact with him( the one in KSA) and that I had to focus on the one here that wanted to marry me, but there was no click with him. We didn't connect at all. I told my parents a few months later, that I thought about it and that I am not ready to marry at all, and that i had no type of connection with this boy. They became verbally aggresive, They said: You don't want him, because you are secretly talking to the other one right? well get over it, we allready invited everybody for the wedding, if you want dua then you will marry the boy that we chose for you! I was very intimidated and couldn't say anything back to my parents. During the next months before the wedding i was very numb; I had no feelings, no emotions, no appetite, no sleep, no joy in living, i didn't study for school, nothing... I closed off from everybody. The wedding happened during the summerbreak. We went on the honeymoon, and then the first night came(he waited a week for the first night cuz he told me he understands that I am scared even though he didn't know the real reason why)

Anyways the first night was horrible, i was shaking constantly, scared, hyperventilating, having flashes of my dad, horrible horrible.We didn't live together, he lived in another country and said that he was going to wait until i finished uni. I didn't like to speak to him on the phone, we barely had physical contact after the first night, i told him numerous times I had no feelings whatever towards him. I even started hating him because a lot of guys came and asked for my hand in marriage before him and if i said no to them, they went away. He stayed and told my parents everything and they forced me to talk to him, and agree to marry him. I blamed him for everything, my depression became bigger and i again had intentions of ending my life. I moved again from my dorm to home(because the distance from my house to the uni was  do-able by public transport and i was too depressed to work) and i really regret that I did that, because i fell in a bigger hole, i had so much anger and sadness, i didn't sleep, i had a big distrust in everybody including my parents.My mom is very verbally aggressive and i feel like she blames me for everything. She sometimes says horrible things like wish you were not born or i am so tired of the fact that you blame your dad, i wish you and your dad would move away so i can live in peace with my other children! That hurt me so bad? Is it my fault that that happened to me?I told her numerous times when i was younger that my dad threatened me and that i was intimidated by him(he was a very influential man) and that I COULDN'T leave, she is the parent! I told her that I couldn't tell the teachers or authorities, because i was scared they would take me away and that I wouldn't see them anymore, i told her i love her and that i could work when i get older, we don't need dad, i can take care of everything, just don't let me suffer don't let me be alone. I still feel like i blame her that she let me suffer for 12 years while she had the right and the authority to leave. She just let him punish me and beat me up for the most stupid reasons(while in reality he was punishing me for not going along with the things he wanted me to do)

Now fast forward to two years later,i told my parents we want to divorce(we are very stuck, i still have no feelings, no physical contact cuz i am not able to do that with a man), i want to go back to my dorm and i finally want to heal myself from everything. I told them that I will never be able to have any type of contact with any man, my dad ruined everything for me...Without a man, you can't have kids, so that is another dream i feel like i have to give up. My mom became very sad and started crying, she told me that by staying in this marriage and having a child, i would forget my past abuse( but i feel like once i have a child, i am stuck with him forever, it feels like a trap). That i have to let go of it, that if i divorce and move back to the dorm, she will disown me.

And now, I am so unhappy, i want to move away from home, because it doesn't feel like a home anymore, i don't think I ever felt part of the family or the house. I want to finish my uni, and become the woman i know i am, the strong,passionate woman  that is inside of me. I feel like everything is broken beyond repair (the trust, the love,...) atleast from my side to my parents. My heart is filled with so much pain, anger and sadness..... I want to be set free of that.

Also I started talking to another Arabic girl with a similar past in a romantic way and we are together for 2 months now. I am very conflicted, i know it's haram but at the same time it feels more comfortable and i know that I will never be able to have anything with a man( or atleast until i heal), the thought alone makes me shiver...I also know that will break my parents heart, and that is something that I can't bear to see. I don't want to hurt my parents, but I am not happy staying here anymore. I have no bad intentions, nor do i want freedom so that I can do some haram things or zina or stuff like that, I swear , I just want to be able to breath and heal, and I can't do that If i get confronted with my past day after day. My parents claim that i have either evil eye, or sihr and that that is the reason why I am like this, but i know that that is possible ayn and sihr( because a lot of girls my age and their mothers  were envious of my life and how i have been a good girl, not knowing what was going on in my life), but i also know they don't want to accept that they have a very big part in why i have so much pain and anger.

What should i do? Can i move away even though they don't want me to? Is that a sin? Can i stay in contact with this girl? I am very conflicted wallah....I started praying again, hopefully that will ease my pain.

Jazakummulahu Kheyr.

ps: english is not my native language, so i am sorry in advance for possible spelling mistakes.


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9 Responses »

  1. SubhaanAllah sister. I'm lost for words. It was very detailed as if I was watching your life as you wrote it. Im not sure which country you are from but if it was in the UK, your father would be locked up behind bars for his crimes and maybe getting abused and beaten up by other prisoners. Abuse very evil thing for anyone to go through and when it is done by your own, it's that much worse.

    Sister I'm telling you from a guys perspective, I could be completely wrong but after what has happened to you with your father, I don't believe you should have any contact or relation with such a man. He has crossed the limits as a father. No father should let their children suffer in their hands the way he has done so. They should be the protector of their household after Allah SWT. To top it up, your mother should have stood by you all the way and gave you the comfort you required till this day. Not push you away or blame you. However in your mother's defence, maybe she is scared of your father or doesn't know how to deal with it. She might not be strong enough or she could have got rid of him a long time ago.

    Forced marriage is haram and marriage should be with consent from both sides. It's really sad what you have been through.

    I can advise you to please be strong. Remember even if the world turns a blind eye and is unjust to you, Allah SWT is not blind and he is the most just. You surely will get your justice if not in dunya, then al akhirah. However you cant give up hope. You must continue to pray 5 times a day on time. This is the real connection and it will give you inner peace and strength. Have faith in your lord that he knows and hears your every supplication even if it is in the lowest of positions and the lightest of whispers in the depth of the night (sujood). Wake up for the night prayer when you can before fair Salah. Ask and beg from Allah whatever you wish as Allah says he will grant you whatever you want when you call upon him at that time whilst the world is sleeping and you are remembering him. Cry to him and tell him your difficulties even though he already knows. Who can understand you better than the one who has created you.

    You need to move away from this house to move on with life and take your next step in life. Your father needs to know that he is the reason why you are suffering and his time will surely come one day. Be there for your siblings and mother as it is your duty. You be the responsible one in your family so that you can make sure nothing like this ever happens to any of your siblings.

    I think you have stayed strong all the way. Don't give up. Don't be depressed. Don't think suicidal ever. Keep yourself busy. Get married to the right person that loves you for who you are. Someone that helps you move on and stands by you after everything you have gone through in your life.

    Lastly please don't ruin your relation with your lord by displeasing him. You will not be happy if you displease Allah. It is haram for Muslims to be attracted to the same gender. Please sister end that relation with the girl and don't let shaytaan take over and play his game so that he can ruin you. You may possibly be affected with Ayn or sihr. Make continuous dua and recite Qur'an often. Don't let shaytaan with over you with haram. You have been good and strong all the way. Stay like that and move on in a positive way that pleases Allah in all your affairs. May Allah make it easy for you sister. I hope that I have helped even by the slightest. If not, please forgive me. This was from a man's perspective so it may not be the advice you wanted. Salaams

    Bro K

  2. Nearly brough me to tears.
    You are such a strong girl. You have gone through so much , i dont think i can feel completely or understand your problem fully
    All i can say is Allah exists,He listens and knows what youre going through. watch videos about ways to purify your spiritual heart, especially by shaykh saqib iqbal of UK ,
    once you start witnessing Allah with your heart and soul, everything will be better Insha Allah
    You are a great person, you deserve all the respect and love.
    your father is an evil wretched man, and please dont ever blame yourself for anything you are nearly perfect . please visit a muslim therapis if you can find one they deal with such cases . Allah bless you

  3. I wonder how these kind of men still alive in this world .

    Why they don't die in horrible accidents .Why they don't get painful death .

    I think you should expose your dad to other siblings and report him to police also .

    He need to be beaten by police and spend his life in jail .Your mother too should be sent in Jail for not helping you .

    Please report it to police .

    • Yes! My sentiments exactly. These type of people should not be allowed to thrive. And then the audicity of some close family members that will actually protect the abuser in the name of protecting the family's name. I hate that so much because the victim suffers. I can only imagine. HORRIFIC.

  4. First of all my love THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT never believe that is was you was a child and parents are meant to protect you not harm you.... Your dad is a sick indevigle a pedophile and should be locked up.
    Second are you shore none of your sibblings are going through the same as you did as men like that move on when you get to a certain age ... Talk to them test them out .
    Go back to uni get your degree and make a life for yourself hunny.
    If you have turn to woman as your preference now I'm not surprised but in hour culture it is a bad thing.. Get your degree as a nurse or doctor and move to a county where it is excptable .
    As for your mum and the marriage .. Maybe its the only way she could see to save you from him as she is not strong to stand up to him or imagine her life Along I .your culture.
    You think of you now you are a young Woman now and get your life sorted but make sure your brothers and sisters are safe to.
    All the best and be strong

  5. OP: Anyways the first night was horrible, i was shaking constantly, scared, hyperventilating, having flashes of my dad, horrible horrible.We didn't live together, he lived in another country and said that he was going to wait until i finished uni. I didn't like to speak to him on the phone, we barely had physical contact after the first night, i told him numerous times I had no feelings whatever towards him.......Also I started talking to another Arabic girl with a similar past in a romantic way and we are together for 2 months now. I am very conflicted, i know it's haram but at the same time it feels more comfortable and i know that I will never be able to have anything with a man (or at least until i heal), the thought alone makes me shiver.

    You seem to have fear/anxiety? What exactly was going thru your mind when you were getting intimate with your husband? Your thoughts and imagination are causing you this problem. Did your father try to rape you? Did he threaten to kill you?

    How do you think you can get healed?

    Your father most likely did the same thing with your sister(s)?
    You need to recognize your husband is not your father.

  6. Assalamu alaikum..sorry for posting my question over here but I need to ask something..hope someone will help me out...plz dear admin I need ur opinions also. actually for a long time I m searching for a English Quran...I have plenty of English Quran with their translations..n Arabic also.. but I want a Engl
    ish meaning.. I mean translation Quran have old English words..but what I want is that I want to understand the holy Quran.. and in translation Quran I don't understand..I don't know how to explain to u all...see when u read some stories u understand the stories.. there writing n all..but when that story is in translation mode u can't understand it...I want a Quran in a story type way(the writing part)so that I can understand every part of it..see in Urdu language they have the same way which I want(story type way)..but I can't can't understand Urdu..plz can anyone help me out...I hope u have all understood what I meant to say..sorry if it's too confusing... but I m in desperate need of there any pdf files that I can download or any applications?? plz do help me out..jazak Allah.

    • Salaam sister look for a Qur'an translation called The glorious Qur'an translation by Muhammad Marmaduke Picktall. This is written in modern English so it might be easier for you to understand.

      Just a note, Qur'an isn't always in a story format. Allah talks about a topic and then moves onto another topic. Then he will remind us about it again. Some parts are like story and some parts are statements and commands,etc. So don't expect it to be like a story. Chapters like Surah Yusuf is about prophet Yusuf's life and that is story like and very detailed and easy to understand. To understand Qur'an verse by verse or chapter by chapter, you need to read Tafsir by Ibn Katheer. This will explain in detail what Allah is saying and why he said it and when it was revealed and who it was talking about and when to apply the verse, etc. Tafsir takes you to another world of understanding. May Allah guide us all. Ameen

      P.S you can find Ibn Katheer's tafseer online in pdf also. You can download different volumes. Not sure if you can find the Qur'an translation but have a search, you might be lucky.

      Bro K

  7. jazak Allah bro k..for the details...may Allah reward u for this..ameen

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