Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help and advise regarding marriage

sad woman looking out the window

Asalamualaikum

i have been married few months back Alhamdulilah to a man who is a UK citizen. Actually this proposal had come from his side through a matrimonial site he had got divorced officially frm his wife 6 months before our wedding but he n his family claim that there was no relation between them since 2 years.(His previous marriage lasted for 11 years and he has two kids boy(7) and girl(2.5)).

During the time of fixing the marraige me n my family was told that according to  the law the money fr kids wil be going automatically to their account and that he has no contact with them now as he was kicked out of his house by his wife who had taken the custody of kids and all his money n house in UK. And we were also told that she had never treated him properly or even allowed the his parents to even meet the kids and so on.

after marraige he left within 3 days and i was at my maternal home since he had to join a new job and also promised to take me within 15 days to UK . but things changed after 15 to 20 days he startd to get angry on asking fr d visa and finally Then after lot of persuading he had applied for the visit but in a very vague manner and it got rejected(which im sure he knew would be as no proper docs were provided but still he blaims me for this saying that my bank account didnt have enough money).

anyways then he came for 10 days and took me out to his native place but refused to introduce to his family saying that people dont knw about his divorce and it will have negative effect so we will tell slowly. and when i questioned fr dat he got angry and thinks im a nagging wife. den he said that he will call me as a dependant  but since he doesnt ha enough funds it will take few months and askd me to wait n have patience in the meanwhile he wantd me to study or work n be busy. when i said i will join a course in UK so that we can stay together he would get angry and made many excuses like it will be problmatic to apply for spouse visa  and so on....somehow i got admission into higher studies in my  home country( acourse  for more than 4 years) and informd him about my selection he was very happy n came back again for a week and also paid my hostel charges and asked me to continue wid my education.

Now suddnely he says he has to take care of his kids and if its needed i will stay in my old house(where his ex-wife(she is a doctor) stays with a nanny and kids) if my relation with her improves and for this reason he startd a fight and when i said its not allowed in islam to go back to your divorced wife but u can always get the kids with you he doesnt understand and again thinks im  dominating on him and im his kids enemy(even though there was no mention of this at the time of fixing the marraige) and now even his mom is not keepingwell so whenever i try to question him about his ex wife thing he says im im so much trouble and you are increasing my problems..and he has stopped contacting me as he used to do earlier. and when i confronted him asking to make choice between his ex and me he didnt respond and askd me to do whatever i want  and that he has to take care of his kids(infact he doesnt want to start a family with me )...

I am feeling so used and broken and when i try to tell him about islamic rules he says he knows evrything well and he also says if i feel he is a fraud then i can leave him and do wht i want..but he wont change (earlier he used to speak so sweetly and say that I was only his life etc. we used to speak daily fr long hours of video chat and since his time zone was different i used be awake whole night fr him .)now after his ex wife has startd contacting things have changed (now he doesnt evn text me or call me.. very rarely in days a salam text comes..)even though he says she is just the mother of his kids and cant take the place of a wife..

im feeling so bad beacuse he is afraid to acknowledge me as his wife secondly he is not concerned with my feelings  third he doesnt make any arrangements to be with me im just not his priority.. im feeling just like a used toy..please help me im unable to understand what to do...i dont want to trouble my family by breaking the relation.. but im sick n tired of his excuses and behaviour and moreover he doesnt like when i say nything to him about staying together ..he says u gt married that the big thing many ppl are still unmarried be happy its not important to stay with husband..im so confused with his attitude..please guide me and pray fr me that my husband has some feelings fr me and that he treats me as a wife and not a "holiday bride"..howver i have fallen in love with him  and its very difficult fr me to live without him.. even when i dont hear his voice or see him i become very distracted ..im unable to concentrate on anything.. please help me  is it normal? or am i going mad?...but unfortunately my husband doesnt have any such feelings/emotions for me....and his behaviour is really making me sad and depressed....

Sorry as my post has become too long not knwing wht to do im writing to seek advise(of course im praying to Allah and InshAllah Allah will make things better)

Jazkallah

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4 Responses »

  1. Are you sure he's divorced? (Now, it is permissible for him to be married to both of you.) It sounds like he was never divorced from his wife. Please consider the following; 1. He lives with his wife and kids. 2. He has not introduced you as his wife. 3. He mixed up the paperwork for you to travel to the UK. 4. He left soon after you became his wife. 5. He said he doesn't want to start a family with you. These are 5 RED flags for you. There should be a way to find out if he is actually divorced. ( There are public records of marriages and divorces in most countries.) I hope I am wrong, but you must decided what to do next.

  2. Your mistake was to trust his words without getting them verified by anyone. Of course a person is going to act like a victim to make themselves look good in front of someone they want to marry...they are hardly going to be honest and say they were a lousy spouse, are they?

    I honestly don't believe your husband is divorced at all - I believe he has taken you as a second wife in secret, behind his first wife and his family's back. Hell, even behind your back. I'm not sure what to say...I'm not a very tolerant person when it comes to shady behaviour, so if I were in your shoes I would have been divorced ages ago. But I know not everyone is like me, so I won't encourage you to rush into a divorce. Maybe try to get to the bottom of this situation. Confront your husband directly and tell him you have every reason to believe he's still married to his first wife, has taken you as a second wife and doing all of this in secret and behind everyone's back. Tell him you need proof that he's honest and upfront with you, otherwise, you have no choice but to contact his supposed ex and ask her yourself.

    If his odd behaviour and dishonesty continues, then I would proceed with filing for a divorce.

  3. This may sound cold and indifferent. But just as you fell in love, you need to fall out of love with your "husband" and hire a lawyer. Divorce him or get an anullment. The man has been playing you and your family. If the two of you have an apartment, make sure only your name is on it if you want to remain there. If his name is on it, start packing. It might be best if you return to your parents where your "husband" knows not to even start any foolishness there. Marriage scams in the UK and the US are common place. Men and some women will say and do anything to be in a position to live a better life. And men who travel internationally seem to be quite good at what you actually mentioned, getting a vacation wife. The minute your husband started asking YOU for money, that was a giant red flag. The size of a the Great Wall of China. Guess you did not see it. End your relationship with your husband and do not believe anything he says. His behavior so far shows he is not to be trusted.

  4. There are so many red flags here. You were so naive when you fell for him. That's why there's a reason parents should get involve when meeting a potential spouse for marriage. Your family surly could have pointed out his shadyness before you got married. I would say get out. Sorry to be direct but where you desperate to come to U.K.?

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