Please help me decide what to do?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I need advice. I am in a situation and I am not sure how to handle it. Awhile ago I married my best friend. Even though I am older than he is we are so much alike and really enjoy each other's company. We were not in love, but we decided the marriage was mutually beneficial to both of us. We also decided to keep our marriage private only sharing with a few close friends. He is Jordanian and I am American and I have been Muslim for 5 years. He already is married and has a daughter. His other wife and child do not live in the same country as we do. His other wife is Christian and he believes she will disappear with his daughter if she knows he took another wife. He told me since I knew him that he only was married to his other wife because of their child.
He continually tells me he does not love her but feels an obligation to her. He also told me when he sees her (only 3-4 times a year) he only very rarely intimate with her. None of this really was my concern because we were just friends. He has gone to his other wife and I know he is intimate with her since we have been together and it never bothered me. But now things have changed between us. We have really grown to love each other very much. He has also decided to bring his daughter to live with us. This is where I am having such emotional problems. His family and his other wife do not realize we are married, and once his daughter comes to live with us, he will also obviously allow his other wife to visit to see their daughter. I am having a very hard time dealing with him being intimate with his other wife now that we have strong feeling toward each other and since he is so committed to her as the mother of his child, I am really beginning to doubt that we have a future together.
I have spoken to him about what he will do when she finds out he is married to me, because I am sure his daughter will tell her. He told me that he know she will not accept and will ask for divorce, but he will not be made to choose between the two of us, if she stays fine, if she leaves that is fine also. He said he is with me now because he loves me and he will never leave, but I really feel in my heart that if she makes him choose, he will choose her. What should I do? I adore this man and pray that Allah helps me accept what is his right, but I honestly do not know if I will be able to let him touch me is he has been intimate with her. I do not want to be hurt and have my heart broken so I do not know if I should start to distance myself from him to try to protect myself. I don’t want to lose him, but it is also not fair to him if I can not be the wife he needs me to be.
Please help….
Ineedadviceplease.
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ASA i am a second wife as well.. The difference is that he and i knew and he always told me i would never be a secret sooo when i married my husband whose family recently moved here from lebanon (they arranged his first marriage as well) his mum didnt take heed to me a black african muslim being his second wife. I was considered like the "mistress" and not treated the same. You will prob never be accepted but hiding a marriage is prohibited! She has to know and as a muslim he shouldnt have risked his first marriage to gain a second if he felt his first wife was going to leave
Sister Ineedadviceplease,
Your husband is not acting in a kind or Islamic manner. You know this, he knows this, and soon his first wife will know this.
Marriage is difficult enough without secrets. That he kept this a secret from his first wife is an indicator of his character. That he now says he will not be made to chose between you is infantile. He has created this problem, now seems to want to take the high ground by not choosing between you. Although I do not know his struggle, only Allah knows, it does not sound like he is a good choice for you for the long term.
If you want to be a first wife, you should have married a man without a wife. You also have a played a role in this problem, by ignoring the truth that he has a second wife. You have never met her, and do not know the dynamics of their relationship except from what he has told you. Consider the possibility that he has not been at all frank with you about this or other things.
I know we must not think the worst of others, but you also have to be prepared for the worst. Think about ways to keep yourself on your path during this struggle. Shaytaan will take this and try to use it to separate you from Allah. Do not allow this to happen. That is the most important thing for you to focus on right now. Be prepared, pray to Allah for guidance, and remain on YOUR path.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.
Salaam sister,
I had the same issue when I got married he told me if his ex found out she would take his son away.
I am in the uk.
But the truth was he was having a haraam relationship with her and she didnt know he was married.
so when i told her everything went down she didnnt talk to him and he didnt want to talk to me
So I dont really believe this anymore if man want to see their kids there is a legal way..
Hello sister,
I dont have much to say other than- if he cheats on his first wife and does not inform her about your relationship,...and on top of that talks badly about her infront of you.
What makes you think that he will be faithful and committed to you once he married you for a while and the newness is gone?
In a few years, you will be the old wife who he is bored with and he will move on to another woman. His track record of honestly and commitment is not great.
There are many other men out there who are religious if you want to learn about the faith, and who is not playing with your feelings.
Take care
why r men so dishonest? wht is in them that makes them bored so quickly ?has Allah made them this way that they fall in and fall out of love so quickly ? its so hurting knowing your feelings i understand how it is bt trust me atleast u know he has another wife ..think about his first wife who doesnt even know her husband has another wife .iv seen most of the men cheat they dont think how much it hurts they all make fake promises make u fall in love n then leav u when circumstances become crucial or they find a better prettier woman ! its so hurting to know how these men dont care about our feelings .so many men cheat theie women everyday that it makes me feel probably Allah has made them vulnerable to cheating? is this true ? if not then why do they lie so much
You are being unfair in a way. Basically, the same question can be asked as to why women are dishonest. Both gender likes to cheat for the exact same reason and ' sex ' is but only one of them. The other notable reasons of why they are being dishonest or cheats is because of ' oppurtunity ', ' proximity ' etc this happens due to something lacking like regarding intimacy, finance etc or boredom or physical or mental change or loss of love etc. There are basically many factors which results in dishonesty. Even weakness in faith can cause dishonesty. Allah therefore has set some rules for us to abide. We should play by the rules and if however we go against the rules, there will always be consequences. And for those who go aginst the rules are the transgressors and they will have their punishment from Allah. And those who abide by it willfully will have their huge reward. No one is made vulnerable to cheating but satan persuades them to do it, so they took satan by hand at that time and so they are doomed.
It is also evident that the muslim men and women in ' muslim world ' cheat comparitively less than the muslims in non muslim world. And also people from other faith or no faith do cheat alot more.
So basically this has nothing to do with Allah. As Allah has given us the law to follow and Allah has given us the free will to decide and it is our choice to make whether good or bad. Therefore, for every bad that befalls a person is most probably his/her own doings and somtimes its a test. Regarding men and women who are dishonest, they do that by their own will and no divine force is involved but external force is involved and that is our eternal enemy satan. If men or women cheat, lie etc they do that by their own will and no one is responsible but themselves. We can control what we want to do as Allah has given us that strength, reasoning and logic. Some abuse it and some are grateful and appreciate it.
There is a fact that women population is much more than male population, and for this reason Allah allow multiple marriages to upto 4 wives. This law shouldn't be abused or taken advantaged of as there are rules set regarding this law and the rules has to be followed. Allah cannot be deceived or mocked and every wrong doing a person does will be shown to the world on the day of judgement.
In conclusion, if we follow everyword of Allah's law and play along the rules set, then most certainly we can live a peacefull and happy life in this world and the next. If we dont, then we sow and we shall reap.